Emperor's Fury (draft)

[Joasht]

*Opened a new thread for the latest version as this updated thread got a grand total of 20 views in the past week....*

[Roma]

Sorry, I dont have ti me to read the whole thing, but please change the name. Emperors fury frankly sounds lame (and not like a name).

If u get desperate, ask me or use the chapter name generator on this website.

 

I like the banner do, did u make that?!

[Joasht]

Haha I came up with it 12 years ago so it just stuck. I've not always been a big fan of it either. Any suggestions?

And the banner wasn't done by me, to be honest I forgot who did it for me...

[Olis]

The Emperors Furies maybe? How's that?

[Joasht]

The Emperors Furies maybe? How's that?

Hmm...not the biggest fan of it to be honest, when I hear "furies" I think of Furies, the Daemon unit.

 

I've always been a fan of the single-word Chapter name, but its difficult to get that right.

[Olis]

Fair enough, point taken on the Daemon Furies thing. :(

 

Single name chapters are difficult to get right so my advice is to find a damned big thesaurus (no joke) and start looking up stuff. You'll be surprised. :)

[Joasht]

Haha I actually did that before, most of the better/cooler words were already used elsewhere. As you said, they can be difficult to get right.

In a sense, this name was cobbled together circa early-3rd-ed, back then it was cool....I think :blink:

[Roma]

Well emperors furies sounds nice to me.

But u could try Angles Emperator.

Ironclad crusader (that was supposed to be a name for my baneblade lol)

Ironclad apostles (baneblade)

Purgators

Harbringers of annihalation/destruction/doom/something along those lines

[NightrawenII]

Hmmm, this will be quick and brutal. :devil:

 

Origins

- Chapters are created in large events called Foundings, the last one 26th was in 738.M41, the previous one, 25th was ~800.M40.

- The speed at which will be your ships turned into space debris depends on what you call "substantially larger Eldar fleet" - for the simple fact: The Strike Cruisers aren't equiped for ship-to-ship combat.

- The land battle is one huge meh and rather poinless IMHO, it was not your Chapter who fought here, but Ultramarines.

 

The Eldar of Terga-Dare and The Second Battle For Primas

- Maybe I'm missing something but the galaxy is not only infested by Eldar. Orks, rebels and renegades are far more common.

 

Homeworld

The native humans proved exceptionally gifted for close quarters fighting due to a mutation in their adrenaline receptors that gave them heightened reflexes and the ability to use a higher percentage of their muscle strength than an average human, making them ideal assault troops.

- Aha! First sign of Mary Sue: My recruits are better than yourz.

 

Chapter Organization

Despite hailing from the Ultramarines chapter, some aspects of the chapter organization has been altered, in part due to their constant conflict with the technologically-advanced Eldar.

- Yeah, because everything the Chapter was fighting were Eldar. :mellow:

 

In a deviation from the Codex Astartes, the Second Company consists primarily of Assault Marines, bikes and Land Speeders which act as both the spearhead and scalpel of almost any assault launched by the chapter.

- Do you realize that: The 8th Company is an Assault Company consisting of ten Assault squads. This is the most mobile Company and is often used wherever a strong hand-to-hand fighting force is needed. The 6th Company is also trained to fight on bikes and the entire Company may be deployed as bike squadrons. Similarly the 7th Company squads are trained to fight from Land Speeders enabling the Company to fight as a light vehicle reserve formation.

-_-

 

... and are personally trained by Xzar himself in a highly secretive training method rumoured to be almost suicidal even for a Space Marine, resulting in an individual that is the pinnacle of martial perfection.

- And? How they are different from Company Champion(s), Honour Guard or when we are at it the 1st Company. :huh: It seems like people are forgetting WHO are 1st Co. Veterans and invent their own units of Mary Sues. :confused:

 

Chapter Doctrine

The martial culture of the local populace has had a significant impact on this, further compounded by the natural aptitude of the humans for close quarters combat.

- Yeah, because these techno-barbarians like to hit people with sharp sticks, your sophisticated and well-learned warriors are going to mimic them in everything. <_<

 

In addition, Eldar of Terga-Dare have an exceptionally large number of Guardians and lack Striking Scorpion Aspect warriors, making them more vulnerable when the Space Marines had closed in on them.

- For the third time, it seems like your Chapter and Eldar exist in some kind of private space-bubble. :rolleyes:

 

During training a great emphasis is placed on physical combat –twice that of most other chapters. Therefore, the combat skill of an individual Space Marine of the chapter is honed and tempered to a level that is above that of most other chapters, and each individual is exceptionally proficient in the use of several close combat weapons.

- By this logic, your Chapter ballistic skill is below of most other Chapters since your marines don't spend much time at shooting range.

- Btw, "My marines are teh better than yourz!" doesn't make an interesting Chapter.

 

Scouts are therefore less employed in combat situations, and are mostly used for reconnaissance.

- 'Gasp!' No way! Scouts are used for recon?!?!?

 

Beliefs

In part due to the heavy influence of the martial background of the locals, the chapter places tremendous emphasis on martial prowess (more so than many other chapters) and as a result venerate the Emperor as the greatest warrior mankind has ever known.

- Hmm, okey I get it. Your Chapter like to hit people with sharp sticks... And? This is everything you can say about your Chapter 'soul'?

 

++++++

Ahem, man. My advice is read a little about knights, samurai or another warrior-society. This way you will get a ideas what to do with your Chapter, because the "My Chapter is teh better than others" approach leaves foul taste in my mouth.

 

Cheers, NightrawenII

[Arkangilos]

First off, I would like to say that you did were actually not that bad at the fluff writing, and after some tweeking, it will be fairly good.

 

 

A few possible solutions to deal with some of the points that Nightrawen brought up, if you do not mind me offering:

 

To the "my chapter is better" point:

 

Try taking out, "More so than most chapters." The simple, "In part due to the heavy influence of the martial background of the locals, the chapter places tremendous emphasis on martial prowess" will do well enough to get hte point that they are close combat oriented.

Also, any where in there that it says something similar to that, it should probably be taken out, like said above, those statements you have with them work fine without the, "More than most chapters." Leave those to the founding Legions.

 

Onto the recruits:

 

I do not, however, for the most part, see anything really that wrong with the recruits having that minor mutation. However, you might want to add a balancing factor. Something that would be a drawback.

Yes, it increases the close combat and reflex abilities of the people, but they have one of the following drawbacks (just suggestions)

1) Can not sleep very well, which can affect their focus

2) Can become VERY addicted to the "rush" in turn making them crazy, and seeking pain and glory (which could also be used to explain the zeal of the Deathbringers.

 

 

Onto the xenos thing:

 

I think that you have some interesting stuff on your chosen "nemesis." I also see nothing wrong with your nemesis being Eldar (I mean, after all, a nemesis race or faction makes things more interesting), but like Nightrawen said, there are others out there, so don't forget about them.

I am not saying remove what you have about hte Eldar, just refine it a little, and maybe mention more about the Tyranid threat that I saw covered up. Maybe how after seeing the rising threat of the 'nids you sent your veterans to train with the Ultramarines (or help them clean up, like the BA and numerous other chapters did) so that they may learn how to better fight them.

 

 

Onto the second company:

 

Maybe rather than saying that your second company is arranged like that, they are all ready to fight like that. Maybe say that, though they are still technically divided up into the differant squads, they fight as if they were all assault marines. Even their devastators often forgo the use of heavy weaponry (possibly again because of one of the downsides of the adrenalin spikes).

 

 

Onto the doctrine:

 

There is nothing wrong with your chapter prefering to fight like the people from your home world, I mean after all, the culture of the recruits affects the culture of the marines. However, you probably should refine this so that they take newer experiences. Maybe they made their own code and stuff.

 

 

While there is plenty to be expanded on (as there is in ALL fluff), I believe you are doing a fine job on getting there. I look forward to reading it when it is complete :)

[voi shet magir]

Would it be weird if the eldar attacked them with the express idea that they would settle and start a new chapter? It seems like a thing they would do, actually I can't see why the would attack without some byzantine agendum. Suddenly the chapter doesn't know whether they are doing what is best for the Imperium, or if they are being manipulated.

 

As it is there is not much of a story

[Joasht]

Thank you all for your replies!

 

I've taken some of the advice here and there and have put up a new (hopefully improved) version of the fluff. I kept the first version of the fluff in a smaller font below the current one, just in case there are some elements in the first version that are worth maintaining.

 

Thank you all again, keep the comments coming :o

[Joasht]

Been a few days and heading into page 2 of the forum, so *bump*

Thanks again