AngelOfDeathXIII Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I've been working on my Blood Angels story recently ( http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...howtopic=227117 ) I'm looking for a way too describe the effect of the Red Thirst on the Scouts... This is what I have at the moment. I'm not satisfied with this... Any suggestions on better ways to describe it? Azriel shouted a battlecry. "Suffer not the alien to live!" An answering roar came from the troaths of the rest of the Scouts. Paethon felt a sudden blood-lust rising. He had a desire to rush towards the enemy and spill their blood. To use combat blade, pistol and fists to paint the world crimson in the blood of his enemies. He knew his Brothers felt it as well. He knew all the members of the Chapter did, every moment they were awake. An ever-present desire. The legacy of the Primarch. The Red Thirst. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp4rky Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I think that sounds bloody good :lol:. Although, maybe they're not too bothered about using Pistols to kill the enemy? Hmm... or combat blades for that matter... Maybe they have a desire to "tear the enemy limb from limb with their bare hands". I like the sound of painting the world crimson with their blood though. (and is that "troaths" meant to be "throats"?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1Drop Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I agree, that sounds really good and I also agree that they may not be concerned as to what they would be spilling the blood with but more of an urgency to tear them apart! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 should be throats indeed my mistake.. Thanks for your opinion. Azriel shouted a battlecry. "Suffer not the alien to live!" An answering roar came from the throats of the rest of the Scouts. Paethon felt a sudden blood-lust rising. He had a desire to rush towards the enemy and tear them limb from limb. To use his own strenght, his fists, his teeth, to paint the world crimson in the blood of his enemies. He knew his Brothers felt it as well. He knew all the members of the Chapter did, every moment they were awake. An ever-present desire. The legacy of the Primarch. The Red Thirst. How about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1Drop Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Yeah bro, that's perfect... I still need to read your story, can you link me please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunargent Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Very nicely worded. I can almost feel the tension in him as he fights the urges of the Red Thirst. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted May 3, 2011 Author Share Posted May 3, 2011 Yeah bro, that's perfect... I still need to read your story, can you link me please? Thanks mate :) http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...howtopic=227117 It's not much at the moment . I'll be sitting in the backseat of the car for like 4 hours today so hopefully I'll be able to upload more tonight... (I'm bringing my laptop with me). Very nicely worded. I can almost feel the tension in him as he fights the urges of the Red Thirst. Thanks ;) That's exactly the feeling I was looking for :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp4rky Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 very good stuff indeed. i look forward to reading the rest some time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cpt. Blood Donator Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 It's a solid description, albeit artistically lacking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaae Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Personally, I liked the first version more. Though, I'd write it "Using combat blade, pistol and fist to paint the world..." Just seems to roll of the tongue better that way. Oh, but keep the limb from limb part. Prevents you from the redundant use of the word blood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted May 4, 2011 Author Share Posted May 4, 2011 It's a solid description, albeit artistically lacking. Just to be curious how would you describe something like this artistically? Personally, I liked the first version more. Though, I'd write it "Using combat blade, pistol and fist to paint the world..." Just seems to roll of the tongue better that way. Oh, but keep the limb from limb part. Prevents you from the redundant use of the word blood. Sounds logical.. And I did want to re-add the combat blade and pistol but like this: He had a desire to rush towards the enemy and tear them limb from limb. To use his teeth, his fist, his blade, and paint the world crimson in the blood of his enemies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cpt. Blood Donator Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 It's a solid description, albeit artistically lacking. Just to be curious how would you describe something like this artistically? Personally, I liked the first version more. Though, I'd write it "Using combat blade, pistol and fist to paint the world..." Just seems to roll of the tongue better that way. Oh, but keep the limb from limb part. Prevents you from the redundant use of the word blood. Sounds logical.. And I did want to re-add the combat blade and pistol but like this: He had a desire to rush towards the enemy and tear them limb from limb. To use his teeth, his fist, his blade, and paint the world crimson in the blood of his enemies Without a flow of events that reads as "and then, and furthermore, and furthermore, and furthermore" The foundation is solid, I'd say you can work on the textual binding and spice that bit up a bit. The content is good, and not everything should be a challenge to read. But the style overall is more suited for 2-page fluff pieces in a codex than a longer story. What are you aming for in lenght? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted May 4, 2011 Author Share Posted May 4, 2011 Without a flow of events that reads as "and then, and furthermore, and furthermore, and furthermore"The foundation is solid, I'd say you can work on the textual binding and spice that bit up a bit. The content is good, and not everything should be a challenge to read. But the style overall is more suited for 2-page fluff pieces in a codex than a longer story. What are you aming for in lenght? For now it's meant as background story for the campaign I'm playing with my friends. This is based on an actual 700 point battle. If I really enjoy writing it and people enjoy reading it I might expand it into a series of stories but for now it'll be a short 3-4 page story at most. Thanks for your advice... I'm always happy to hear feedback ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.