IA: Storm Stalkers

[InquisitorHayn]

Brand spankin' new addition to Origins. Bon appetit, you ravenous hounds. :lol:

Origins

We war with daemons of the warp.

With the failures of the weak.

With the Xenos.

With the unrelenting voice spreading the taint of Chaos.

But we are warriors of the Imperium, and one thing will always be certain.

We will be victorious!

-Lord Ambisagrus, Master of the Storm Stalkers

I

n the thirty-sixth millennium, brother waged war upon brother, entire systems were lost, the Officio Assassinorum fell to internecine strife and the vaunted High Lords of Terra were sundered and cast aside by the terrible storm of destruction. Even after Sebastian Thor restored some semblance of order, numerous threats remained poised to strike while the dominion of Man lay broken and vulnerable. Insufficiently equipped to mete out Imperial justice, the newly reconstituted High Lords declared that Humanity's defenses be re-fortified in a new founding of the Emperor's favoured sons: the Space Marines.

As part of an effort to reaffirm Imperial rule within Segmentum Ultima, valiant Battle-Brothers of the Executioners were granted the honor of training a new generation of warriors. The resultant Chapter's duty would be to reclaim and safeguard the Keldara Sector, far to the galactic north, exterminate the rampant Ork infestations, crush rebellious populations, and reestablish Imperial law. Based on the frontier world Galawai, a blasted desert planet on the Keldaran fringe, the fledgling Storm Stalkers grew to strength and joined the strained Imperial efforts, waging more than three centuries of bloody warfare which saw the sector return to the Imperial fold once more.

Over five thousand years have passed since that time, during which the Storm Stalkers have continued to dispense the Emperor's wrath on Mankind's enemies. They have seen countless victories over ungratefully rebellious governments and ancient traitorous enemies. They have seen the burning of Ork-infested worlds, the punishment of Eldar raiders, and the slaughter of countless other Xenos species. They have even seen that which none would have ever imagined to see in the darkest of nightmares. None of this prepared the Chapter for what it beheld in the early tenth century of the forty-first millennium. Indeed, nothing could have adequately prepared the Storm Stalkers to bear witness as the Imperium declared their forebears, the mighty Executioners, Excommunicate Traitoris. Even though the declaration was repealed in later years, the Storm Stalkers have since grown ever more reclusive and increasingly hesitant to commit forces in great quantity. It is difficult to be certain why a Chapter once known for its unbridled ferocity would shy from battle, though cautious tongues whisper that the sins of the fathers may have had greater effect than any have foreseen...

Homeworld

On Galawai where thunder rolls

And warriors are made,

Beware ye all, bedeviled souls

Of righteous storm and blade

-Traditional poem

G

alawai is a harsh and unforgiving wasteland of a world that, except to harness its rich veins of rare and exotic minerals, is largely unsuitable for human colonization. The system's unstable star causes wild temperature variations, abnormal radiation levels and frequent, devastating ion storms which play havoc on man and machine alike. A single enormous continent of desolate cobalt-rich deserts dominates over a third of the surface, the ice caps of the world having melted into boiling seas and drowning any other tracts of earth in time immemorial. Vast expanses of rocky crags and towering metallic peaks divide the sole landmass into a number of sub-continents that are difficult to traverse on foot and, due to the unpredictable storms and conductive qualities of the stone, impossible to cross via vehicle. Only a handful of species have been able to adapt and survive this burning cyan hell, and those that have are often lethal.

The people of this world call themselves Ful'a'tori, loosely translated as "those who dance amid the lightning," and are a hardy, superstitious and embittered people. The natives exist in twelve massive tribes, long since grown into scattered nations, at constant war against the elements and one another for the right to simply survive. Daily life on the planet occurs within the walls of self-contained townships called Sulas. Inside these ramshackle communes, ancient recycling machines filter the thin air and reclaim evaporated moisture while insulating material and conductor rods ward the inhabitants from deadly lightning. Life on the desert world is not kind to the human physiology and most tribesmen have lost the vigor and health to survive outside by the age of thirty, at which point they assume duties maintaining the Sula and caring for the tribe's youth. Criminals, the infirm, and those otherwise unable to contribute to the common good are given a choice of death or exile, lest they waste precious resources the tribe cannot afford. Young Ful'a'tori are trained in the ways of the Findsman, usually joining a roving band by the celebrated age of twelve. It is these brave individuals on whom the rest truly depend, for they venture forth into the wastes swathed in robes and rebreather apparatus to patrol the tribe's territory, hunt deadly desert beasts, and raid the other tribes for slaves and supplies.

Imperial surveyors also maintain a presence on Galawai, bartering with the nearest tribes for protection while their servitors and indentured criminals unearth the resources contained in the millennia-old mining tunnels underlying the surface. The work crews rely heavily on native assistance, as surface landings are only possible when the planet's fearsome storms allow. This has led to a significant degree of local culture insinuating itself into the prison population. As fascination with Ful'a'tori honor duels and tribal wars has spread, a dark underground of illicit and brutal pit fights between inmates has arisen: a trend that has been encouraged by the penal guards. Since most prisoners will never leave the mines, their lives are staked against one another in bloody, no-holds-barred death matches. Some participants even compete willingly for, if they win enough respect and fame, there is a chance that a successful fighter will be granted solitary confinement and a chance to avoid the rampant beat, beatings, and murder that plague the under-tunnels.

Amid the lightning-fraught tracts of a region known as the Pale of Wrath, deep in the treacherous canyon called the Guardians' Walkway, an ancient edifice is carved into the rock. This is Donner Tor, the Thunder Gate: fortress-monastery of the Storm Stalkers. This deceptively massive complex spans kilometers beneath the sands in every direction, housing all the facilities required by the Emperor's Space Marines. Multiple hidden entrances and launch bays are spread across the surface, allowing the Storm Stalkers to come and go as unpredictably as the lightning strikes. This suits the Chapter well, as it chooses to remain largely detached from the indigenous population. The Storm Stalkers instead allow the harsh environment and the violent cultural atmosphere to develop worthy aspirants. Knowledge of the Chapter among the native population is no more than a blend of carefully crafted legend and wild speculation.

Organization

We brothers, we warriors, we bringers of death stride amongst the endless tide of our enemies undaunted, adorned with the flames of righteous hatred, ablaze with the vengeance of our ancestors, alight with the blinding illumination of our Emperor's truth. By the luminescence of our fiery vestment may our foes find us and, in so doing, find their path through the gates of oblivion.

-Veteran Sergeant Aillen

T

he Storm Stalkers have inherited a number of practices from their honoured forefathers, the Executioners. The most readily apparent of these is each company employment of no fewer than three chaplains, known as Death Speakers, charged with providing discipline and spiritual guidance to their brethren. In many Chapters, members of the Reclusiam are somewhat separated from their brothers and serve the entirety of the Chapter. The Death Speakers of Galawai, conversely, are closely bound to their individual companies in both battle and respite. Each of the priests is a proven and experienced warrior of his company, entrusted by both peers and superiors with the constant training and betterment of those in his charge. They act as learned mentors and firm taskmasters, delivering both reward and punishment to the deserving. Such familiarity with each warrior lends itself to a Death Speaker's most solemn duty to, as the title implies, speak the tales of their Brothers' heroism after death. The highest ranking of these grim chaplains is known as the Lord Speaker of the Dead. In addition to overseeing the Reclusiam, he is a key member of the Chapter's leadership and charged with the recruitment of fresh neophytes. To the latter end, he is assisted by a cadre of specialized serfs known only as the Heralds of the Twelve. Personally selected and trained by the Lord Speaker, the Heralds scour the planet for worthy aspirants and perpetuate the Chapter's mythology amongst its peoples.

The Fomoraig

Long ago, the Storm Stalkers assumed the guise of the Ful'a'tori's legendary Fomoraig, the Dread Lords of the Twelve Hells, to prevent the population from seeking out the Chapter and tainting the society that produces such prime aspirants. Over time, this cultural adoption became something of a rite within the Chapter as well. The Chapter Master, Lord Speaker of the Dead, Master Apothecary and each of the nine Captains, upon their ascension, symbolically assume the name of the spirit embodying a characteristic traditionally associated with the position. The list is as follows in the order of Chapter Master, Lord Speaker of the Dead, 1-9 Captains, and Master Apothecary:

Ambisagrus, Avatar of Foresight

Taranis, Avatar of Discipline

Brontes, Avatar of Honor

Chaac, Avatar of Strength

Haokah, Avatar of Judgement

Indra, Avatar of Fortitude

Sango, Avatar of Courage

Jasso, Avatar of Zeal

Ukko, Avatar of Wrath

Perkele, Avatar of Vigilance

Aktzin, Avatar of Temperance

Xevios, Avatar of Perseverance

Above all else, the Storm Stalkers prize adaptability and economy of force. Company commanders are granted significant autonomy, as in their parent Chapter. Each new mission is assigned by the Chapter Master to one of the companies, at which point planning and operational control are granted to its Captain. Since each company most often serves as its own insular fighting force, the Marines are expected to be capable of executing a variety of tasks dictated by the situation's demands. Therefore, static delineations such as Devastator and Assault are replaced by diversely trained warriors who equip themselves per mission requirements with standard or specialized equipment, limited only by the necessity and supply of such wargear. This means that there are also no designated reserve units. Each company is a self-sustaining battle force, though it is exceedingly rare for the entire Chapter to be offworld at once. Also, in lieu of a separate unit, Scouts are assigned to one of the nine companies upon release from initial training, to increase both flexibility and unit cohesion.

When matters affecting the entire Chapter arise, the Storm Stalkers call upon the Council of Twelve, the Fomoraig, consisting of the Chapter Master, Lord Speaker of the Dead, company Captains, and the Master of the Apothecarion. The Chief Librarian and Master of the Forge are invariably in attendance, availing the Council of their wisdom and expertise, but traditionally fulfill the roles of impartial advisors. Also stationed in the fortress are the Council's honor guard, twelve warriors of legendary skill and long experience charged with the defence of the Chapter homeworld. As the companies are seldom long at home, these trusted soldiers additionally bear the administrative duties usually attributed to Captains, such as Master of the Fleet, Master of the Arsenal, and so forth.

Combat Doctrine

Your enemy may not harm what he cannot see. He cannot see if he is dead. The solution is obvious.

-Scout Sergeant Thalian, explaining battle theory to recruits

T

ypical Storm Stalker battle tactics are characterized by ceaseless, fluid motion. Formations and kill-zones constantly shift, ebbing and flowing like water, giving the enemy few static targets and forcing opponents into a state of disarray and inconsistency. Over the centuries, elements of Ful'a'tori warfare have been incorporated into the Chapter's doctrine which contribute to their already formidable flexibility. Squads are composed of twelve men, with eight such units in each company so as to hold to the spirit of the Codex's mandate, if not the letter. Through endless drill in an equally endless variety of scenarios, the Battle Brothers of each squad learn three concepts: to function as a whole; to operate in variously sized sub-units of two to six men; and, should the need arise, to flow seamlessly between them and back again. This unorthodox training allows for greater battlefield flexibility, greater potential for mission-specific squad sizes and loadouts, and the ability to maximize the retention of combat effectiveness after suffering separation or losses, even at over fifty percent attrition. Regrettably, combined with extended specialized weapons training, it also makes initial Scout training longer: the price paid for exceptional improvisational capability. Another key element is the fluidity of command that allows the Chapter's methods to function. Storm Stalkers are trained and encouraged to think creatively, to exist in the moment and to trust each other's judgement implicitly; in battle, they retain no hierarchy. Orders are given by the first Brother to become aware of a new development, are never given lightly, and are heeded immediately. To this end, the Chapter's warriors are trained to achieve perfect battlefield awareness and effective, rapid communication. Excessive individualism and lapses in judgement are brutally chastened in training; in the course of an actual operation, such things are punishable by death.

The truest expression of the Storm Stalker way of war can be seen in close combat. When facing a numerically superior foe, a frequent eventuality for Space Marines, Battle Brothers draw themselves inward and turn their backs to one another, eliminating rear exposure and reducing the possibility of division. What follows has been described by observers as "a storm of death". Using rigorous training and their enhanced senses, the warriors whirl and strike as one with little to no space between their own bodies. As one strikes high, another low. A sword will cut through a space occupied only milliseconds prior by an ally to split an enemy in twain. They move and twist and slay as if preternaturally connected to one another, though such feats are simply the product of brutally ingrained reflex fused with technology and bio-engineering.

Adding to their ferocious countenance, the Chapter's Marines often enter battle bearing tokens and symbols of alacrity and might adorning their armor. Favorites among the Battle-Brothers include feathers from the chameleonic Galawai wraithhawk, storm-related icons, and runes of power from the ancient tribal scripts. These tokens are often stained in the humours of foes slain in bloody melee, a grim testament to the fate of any who behold such a sight. Proud and practical warriors, the Storm Stalkers are also prone to claim trophies from particularly powerful or respected enemies, most often taking the form of a weapon or piece of armor. Occasionally though, especially in cases of extreme hatred, a warrior will take the ears (or other aural sensor) of his rival and carry them with him, that the slain foe will forever hear the sound of thunder and find no peace in death.

Though unflinchingly loyal to the Golden Throne, the Storm Stalkers have a well-deserved reputation for ruthless savagery. Brutally efficient, the Storm Stalkers care little for avoidance of collateral damage and see destruction of the enemy as the primary goal, regardless of superfluous casualties. The Marines of Galawai also eschew coordination with external forces and tend to evaporate from the scene of battle as soon as their mission is completed. Because of their isolationist practices and their tendency toward chaotic, unforeseeable action, the Storm Stalkers are widely regarded as an unpredictable ally at best or, at worst, a heavy price to pay for victory.

Beliefs

I am indwelt by the line of my fathers all the way back to mighty Dorn and the immortal Emperor himself. Their vision guides me. Their strength bolsters my own. They grant me power beyond the ken of mortals. I stand today a Lord of the Fomoraig, a leader of my Chapter, and the bane of all my enemies.

-Storm Stalker induction cant for newly anointed Council members

T

he Chapter Cult, like many things, is a fusion of Ful'a'tori warrior culture and the Storm Stalkers' genetic lineage. Ancestor worship is extremely common, not only of Rogal Dorn and the Emperor, but also of those who passed their geneseed or wargear to the current owner. Each day, time permitting, a Marine prays to his forefathers, long-dead Brothers, Primarch, and Emperor at one of many Chapter shrines to grant him wisdom and strength. During this period of reverence the warrior wears no garment, baring both body and soul to the judgement of the ancestors. In supplication for their assistance, the ceremony is closed by the Battle-Brother drawing a ritual blade across his own flesh and letting the blood drip onto the altar. Aged Battle Brothers often bear a veritable latticework of scars in testimony to their piety.

Due to the ethereal nature of their powers and the prominence of shamanism in the native culture, Brother-psykers are often seen as a gateway to the ancestors. While still standing apart from their brethren, Librarians of the Chapter bear few of the typical stigmas normally associated with psychic aptitude and are regarded with reverence and respect.

Like many scions of Dorn, the Marines indulge in intense self-castigation for perceived failure. Anything less than peak performance is unpalatable for a Storm Stalker and deserving of severe punishment. Their chosen implement of penance on such occasions is a chamber whose interior is lined with multitudes of electrical nodes. It is called the Judgement of the Twelve: purging failure and self-doubt with searing azure currents of energy.

Many Storm Stalkers comport themselves with an externally icy demeanor which stems from their long-learned abhorrence of weakness. In their eyes, strength of arm, sharpness of mind, firm discipline, and fierce obedience have created a force rivalled by few and molded a civilization that has survived for millennia. Skill and courage are readily admired by all, but those who appear weak or cowardly are often dismissed out of hand, including Imperial officials regardless of rank. The brotherhood's leaders are superb commanders and masters of combat in all its forms. He who earns primacy of the Chapter is a reputable strategist and an unparalleled warrior with centuries of victory and bloodshed on which he has built his legend. Aspiring to such glories themselves, each Marine carries his own weight and far more. So it is that there is little sympathy in their hearts for those who drain the Imperium with their decadence and foolishness. On Galawai, there is only one truth. There are no innocents and there are no heroes. There are only the weak...and the strong.

Geneseed

Stop circling around waiting for an opening that may not come. Strike! Strike, damn you, or I shall kill you myself!

- Scout Sergeant Thalian

Heralds of the Twelve

Answerable only to the Lord Speaker of the Dead, the shadowy cadre of agents known as the Heralds primarily serve as planetside scouts, ever watching for potential aspirants to bring back to the Chapter. Additionally, they act as emissaries of "the Dread Lords" if contact with the natives should ever become necessary. It is they who perpetuate the legend of the Dread Lords and guide the perceptions of the populace. Because of the volatile nature of the peoples of Galawai, the Heralds are thoroughly trained in the social and warrior arts and are equipped to handle nearly any situation they might encounter. This extensive training has become most convenient in recent years as the Heralds' duties, as well as their numbers, have expanded. In efforts to safeguard the secret that threatens to destroy the Storm Stalkers, these mysterious envoys have evolved into a dark cadre of spies and assassins. The Lord Speaker of the Dead has initiated a galaxy-wide search for information that might help save the Chapter's dying brethren. The Heralds are the eyes and ears of the Storm Stalker leadership, both on and off Galawai. Their orders are simple. Find the source of the Stillness. Find a cure. Silence any who threaten the secret.

F

rom the time they are able to stand, the scions of Galawai are baptised in the nightmare that is existence in the hazardous and unforgiving realms of the mines and the desert. Enduring hardships that civilized Imperials could not fathom, they are forged into cold and ruthless survivors with few inhibitions. It is from these cultures of death that the Storm Stalkers draw their recruits and only those willing to pay any cost for victory are considered for acceptance. The chosen may be the last Findsman standing on the grounds of a tribal conflict, barely conscious from still-bleeding wounds. Perhaps he is a prison rioter, beaten to the edge of death in punishment even as he lies atop the bodies of guards slain by his bare hands. Whatever the circumstances of their choosing, it is only the beginning of the path to glory. Only the most worthy may be granted the legacy of mighty Dorn.

The Masters of the Storm Stalkers are exacting and the tests of purity extremely unforgiving. After it is determined that an aspirant's body is free of taint and capable of accepting the Chapter's gene-seed, the youth is subjected to the Twelve Trials of Fate: a series of tests designed to measure the physical fortitude, strength of will, skill at arms, and willingness to persevere. All of the tests are extremely dangerous and the result of failure is almost always death, for the weak have no place in the service of the Emperor. If the aspirant survives the ordeal having performed sufficiently, he is inducted into the Scout company and trained in the ways of the Astartes. But there is one last test that awaits him before he may ever be called Battle-Brother. Once the young Scout is deemed ready to become a fully-fledged Space Marine he is cast into the desert, bearing neither arms nor armour, to seek out and slay a meters-long Balu serpent in its mountainous lair. If the warrior returns bearing his slain quarry, he is ceremoniously granted a suit of ancient power armour, the stiletto fangs of the fallen beast symbolically coated in adamantium and mounted on the left gauntlet, and the coveted title: Brother of the Storm.

For all the care and thoroughness of their processes, the adepts of the Apothecarion have discovered something amiss within the ranks. Rumours abound of Marines simply falling, dead where they stood, unwounded by the enemy in the midst of battle. At first, the scattered incidents were conjectured to be some form of heinous enemy sorcery. In recent years, however, the occurrences have increased in frequency. Even after meticulous examination of the bodies, Apothecaries have been unable to determine a cause of death. Realizing that this could spell catastrophe for the Chapter, the Master of the Apothecarion quickly reported his findings to the Council. After much deliberation, it was determined that this unspeakable phenomenon (thenceforth dubbed "the Stillness") must be sequestered until a cure could be found. Every healer of the Apothecarion was sworn to secrecy: the sole keepers of this grave knowledge beyond the Council. Each successive case was carefully explained away in the autopsy, often manifesting as a previously undiscovered wound beneath the armor or traces of a potently toxic gas in the lungs.

In a Chapter normally bound so closely by discipline and duty, this terrible mystery has caused major rifts to form amongst the Battle-Brothers. The Council of Twelve meets far more often than in past years, and always in seclusion. The now-reclusive Marines of the Apothecarion have become the unofficial guardians of the secret, with the abominable responsibility to silence overly inquisitive tongues by any means necessary. Those Brothers possessed of too much curiosity occasionally find themselves the victims of an unfortunate training incident. Their more prudent brethren whisper of conspiracy, corruption...and of the Heralds' suspiciously increasing ubiquity.

[clearfloat][/clearfloat]

Battle Cry

One: The Thunder calls!

All: And we bring the Lightning! We are the Storm!

[Sigismund Himself]

A very promising start indeed!

 

I think the next step before writing more is to really nail down the chapter's theme and try to infuse it into what you've written so far. What is it that makes this chapter unique from the other 999 out there? What makes them get out of bed in the morning and fall from the sky, screaming war cries, into the jaws of death? Take this uniqueness or character and try to work it into the IA so that nearly every sentence in the IA reflects some element of it. Then you will have an extraordinary IA instead of 'just' a good one (which is hard enough anyway).

 

An example would be this:

The only native inhabitants of the planet to survive into its present state are microscopic lifeforms, cavern-dwelling lichens, herbivorous desert rodents akin to ancient Terran prairie dogs, and the deadly Balu serpents of the mountains. Solitary and fiercely territorial, the Balu only leave the safety of their rocky lairs to feed upon the creatures of the desert. Not being incredibly fickle beasts, this includes the Human population. Able to grow twice the length of a man, the infamous reptilian devils are incredibly strong with hides as thick as sheeted armaplas and fangs as long as a man's finger which produce a paralytic venom so that the prey is still warm and alive when the Balu consumes it.

 

What does this add to the chapter's character? I would replace it with something else, cut down on the amount of words here or relate it back to their character.

 

There are no innocents in the Malakathi view, only the weak and the strong.

This is a really strong idea, one that I think can be played up a lot more.

 

Remember that Astartes can only recruit teenagers to turn into marines due to body chemistry, you may need to make it clearer how the world makes more suitable recruits or talk a little less about the adults

 

Apart from that, I really like the idea of two separate populations in the miners and natives, and the bleeding of the culture into miners. Good luck with this :tu:

[NightrawenII]

Hello again.

 

I have just some minor observations, otherwise I think my job is done. ;)

 

Origins

A task force drawn from the penitent Executioners Chapter was seconded to the expedition and

- I don't own IA10, but why penitent?

 

Homeworld

Not being incredibly fickle beasts, this includes the Human population.

- This sentence is somewhat confusing and out of place here.

 

They are divided into twelve tribes, each member venerating his ancestors and the guardian spirits of the Twelve Hells.

- Observation: Twelve tribes is possible for 'relatively' small area, not so for entire planet.

 

Those Malakathi of age who do not ply a trade within the Sulas are trained in the ways of the warrior-hunter. It is these brave individuals on whom the rest truly depend, for they venture forth into the wastes, swathed in robes and rebreather apparatus, to collect the moisture from the traps, hunt for food, and raid the other tribes for slaves, mates, and supplies.

- I would like to know; What exatly they hunt for food? :tu: (Hunter societies are nomadic, btw.)

- I would change this to hunters of Balu; the reason is that skin of Balu is very valuable/useful for natives. And it will give you reason to talk about it.

 

This combination of oppressive natural environment and fierce competition for survival create prime candidates for Space Marine recruits. Aspirants are drawn from all walks of life, be they Sula-dwelling warrior or criminal scum. All are forged by their surroundings into creatures of singular will and impeccable talent for survival.

- What Sigismund Himself said, the aspirants should be in pre-puberty or puberty stage.

 

Beliefs

There are no innocents in the Malakathi view, only the weak and the strong.

- Do you hear voices too? :P

 

Cheers, NightrawenII.

[InquisitorHayn]

Meant to run through the C&C checklist last night, but I passed out during the re-write. Anyways, here goes. Thanks all for the incredible pointers and, as coined by a certain debonair Ace, the bowling ball of good intentions. I am trying to be a more active in my posting, I have been a member of the B&C for some time now and am continually impressed by the helpful attitude of the majority of its patrons. Cheers to a great group! Now, on to business.

 

@NightrawenII:

Origins

A task force drawn from the penitent Executioners Chapter was seconded to the expedition and

- I don't own IA10, but why penitent?

I gave myself a hearty Dornian facepalm for this one. Had my Badab War timeline mixed up. Fixed.

Homeworld

Not being incredibly fickle beasts, this includes the Human population.

- This sentence is somewhat confusing and out of place here.

Fixed.

They are divided into twelve tribes, each member venerating his ancestors and the guardian spirits of the Twelve Hells.

- Observation: Twelve tribes is possible for 'relatively' small area, not so for entire planet.

Since it is a death world, I don't imagine we're talking about a native population in the multi-billion range. Maybe somewhere closer to the one to ten million bracket. Also, I imagine a large, extended tribal structure regularly intermingling with those captured from other tribes. A density more in keeping with the tribes of Israel than those of the American native peoples.

Those Malakathi of age who do not ply a trade within the Sulas are trained in the ways of the warrior-hunter. It is these brave individuals on whom the rest truly depend, for they venture forth into the wastes, swathed in robes and rebreather apparatus, to collect the moisture from the traps, hunt for food, and raid the other tribes for slaves, mates, and supplies.

- I would like to know; What exatly they hunt for food? (Hunter societies are nomadic, btw.)

- I would change this to hunters of Balu; the reason is that skin of Balu is very valuable/useful for natives. And it will give you reason to talk about it.

Great idea. I applied the tweak. Thoughts?

This combination of oppressive natural environment and fierce competition for survival create prime candidates for Space Marine recruits. Aspirants are drawn from all walks of life, be they Sula-dwelling warrior or criminal scum. All are forged by their surroundings into creatures of singular will and impeccable talent for survival.

- What Sigismund Himself said, the aspirants should be in pre-puberty or puberty stage.

Agreed and hopefully remedied.

Beliefs

There are no innocents in the Malakathi view, only the weak and the strong.

- Do you hear voices too?

Doesn't everybody? :D Thanks a ton, Nightrawen, for all the great advice.

 

@Sigismund Himself: First thing, though it's undoubtedly why you chose it, wicked cool name. Just wanted to get that out.

I think the next step before writing more is to really nail down the chapter's theme and try to infuse it into what you've written so far. What is it that makes this chapter unique from the other 999 out there? What makes them get out of bed in the morning and fall from the sky, screaming war cries, into the jaws of death? Take this uniqueness or character and try to work it into the IA so that nearly every sentence in the IA reflects some element of it. Then you will have an extraordinary IA instead of 'just' a good one (which is hard enough anyway).

 

An example would be this:

QUOTE

The only native inhabitants of the planet to survive into its present state are microscopic lifeforms, cavern-dwelling lichens, herbivorous desert rodents akin to ancient Terran prairie dogs, and the deadly Balu serpents of the mountains. Solitary and fiercely territorial, the Balu only leave the safety of their rocky lairs to feed upon the creatures of the desert. Not being incredibly fickle beasts, this includes the Human population. Able to grow twice the length of a man, the infamous reptilian devils are incredibly strong with hides as thick as sheeted armaplas and fangs as long as a man's finger which produce a paralytic venom so that the prey is still warm and alive when the Balu consumes it.

 

What does this add to the chapter's character? I would replace it with something else, cut down on the amount of words here or relate it back to their character.

After marinating in a homemade blend of what the packet said was awesome sauce, I infused the slowly baking idea with a hint of grimdark. Hopefully it turns out well. As for the episode of National Geographic, I think I managed to set the bunny ears back on the right channel. However, the effort has left me standing in a very awkward position for some time and I believe my leg is falling asleep.

QUOTE

There are no innocents in the Malakathi view, only the weak and the strong.

This is a really strong idea, one that I think can be played up a lot more.

I believe I may have managed to do just that. Thoughts?

 

Great points, Sigismund, and I look forward to your Gryphon Guard. Good luck on the project!

[NightrawenII]

Good.:tu:

 

Beliefs

Each warrior venerates Emperor, Primarch, Chapter heroes and Armour-Brothers (the line of Marines who wore a particular suit of power armour) as family, in addition to those of their human family. In this way, the Marine does not abandon his ancestors from his previous life, but merely includes them into this new progression of his existence.

- This somewhat contradicts what you have written in Recruitment and Training section, the people of Malakath doesn't strike me like family types.

 

The Storm Stalkers not only utilize, but highly revere Librarians, a trait no doubt brought on by the role of the shaman in a Malakathi tribe.

- It will be good to talk a little about these shamans. ;) Or rather how is their role/function in Malakath society relevant to the role of Librarians in the Chapter.

- Missing full-stop.

 

Extermination of the enemy equates to survival, awakening old instincts and a cold, emotionless killing edge. The marines of the Chapter have no qualms over slaughtering anything that stands between them and their objective, friend or foe. There are no innocents in the Malakathi view, only the weak and the strong.

- I can see conflict of ideas here, though. The Adeptus Astartes don't fight for their own survival, but for survival of Imperium and/or Humankind and to be honest, you have written yourself into rather hilarious corner;

On one side you have violent and savage survivalists - the offsprings of the criminals. On the other, you have the Dune Seekers, who are fighting/working for the greater good of the community.

 

Sooo, I think you should either abolish these parts or... and this will be more fun and work... incorporate these conflicting aspects into Chapter's character.

 

Cheers, NightrawenII.

[InquisitorHayn]

Nightrawen, you do like to make me work, don't you? :(

 

I believe I've solved all the issues you brought to my attention in the new and improved Beliefs section. I eagerly await your response and ever-awesome critique. You have been an incredible resource on this project and a hefty influence on the current character of the Storm Stalkers. I'm thinking that when this is finished, you might just be in the running for your own special character. :cuss

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Looks good so far. I'm curious what the Latin motto means. As for the fangs on a Battle-Brother's gauntlet, are they used in close combat, like Wolverine's claws? Or are they purely decorative?

[InquisitorHayn]

Looks good so far. I'm curious what the Latin motto means. As for the fangs on a Battle-Brother's gauntlet, are they used in close combat, like Wolverine's claws? Or are they purely decorative?

 

Since you are the first to ask, Mr. Firewalker, I would be happy to tell you. The quote is actually a translation of the ever popular Assassin's Creed motto: "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."

 

The fangs attached to the gauntlets, only being roughly as long as a man's finger, are mostly ornamental and would be an impractical weapon for an Astartes. They are a symbol, proclaiming that an almost certainly lethal feat for a man is only the beginning for a Storm Stalker. That said, if the recipient of an Astartes fist-to-the-face just happened to come in contact with the pointy end...

[Olis]

Let's see...

 

Origins:

Indeed, even after Sebastian Thor and the Sisters of Silence restored some semblance of order to the Adepta and their holdings,

 

I believe it was the Adeptus Sororitas rather than the Sisters of Silence that took part in the Age of Apostasy. I honestly have no idea where they (the Sisters of Silence) went after the Horus Heresy but I haven't heard them referenced in canon afterwards.

 

Homeworld:

Judging by the way Malakath has been described, it sounds like it should be treated as a toned down version of Venus, considering the polar ice caps have been vaporized. Perhaps a mention of permanent cloud cover?

 

Also, as NightranwenII has pointed out, twelve tribes sounds small. Perhaps saying "nation-tribes" or "tribe-nations" for added size impression might be better? I don't know, just a suggestion.

 

And onto the pit fights. Do they need to be described as underground and illegal? The combatants are already criminals and serving on Malakath is for life anyway so why would the authorities bother in enforcing a ban on pit fighting? Besides, the Imperium is meant to be brutal. Some gladiatorial action fits in, especially when criminals are concerned. Maybe it's supposed to be illegal but nobody bothers to uphold that particular proscription? :lol:

 

Geneseed:

I don't think it's made clear enough in the article but are the Stalkers simply raised from Imperial Fist geneseed and trained by Executioners, or are they of Imperial Fist lineage via the Executioners? :P

 

 

Besides these points I think the article is written pretty well, some of it with great insight into how the natives are from two disparate cultures. I also quite like Cennedig's quotes. Sounds like a real hard-ass. ;)

 

Hope this helps.

[InquisitorHayn]

Thanks, Olisredan, for your timely assistance.

I believe it was the Adeptus Sororitas rather than the Sisters of Silence that took part in the Age of Apostasy. I honestly have no idea where they (the Sisters of Silence) went after the Horus Heresy but I haven't heard them referenced in canon afterwards.

After some quick research, I found that you were absolutely right. I blame it on too many similar groups. I mean, seriously. Sisters of Silence, Daughters/Brides of the Emperor, Battle Sisters... There's probably some poor, lowly adept whose entire job is just to keep track of all these bands of warrior-women running amok throughout the Imperium.

Judging by the way Malakath has been described, it sounds like it should be treated as a toned down version of Venus, considering the polar ice caps have been vaporized. Perhaps a mention of permanent cloud cover?

I was having similar thoughts but, since the temperature would change drastically from day to night, I didn't want to say there would be constant cloud cover what with the vapor transitioning between states so often. I think the bit about the storms gets across the image I was going for pretty well.

Also, as NightranwenII has pointed out, twelve tribes sounds small. Perhaps saying "nation-tribes" or "tribe-nations" for added size impression might be better? I don't know, just a suggestion.

"They are divided into twelve tribes which have grown into massive individual nations over the centuries, each member venerating his ancestors and the guardian spirits of the Twelve Hells."

I threw this into the Homeworld section to hopefully improve upon the image. Honestly, I just don't think the size of the population is significant enough to merit further mention.

And onto the pit fights. Do they need to be described as underground and illegal? The combatants are already criminals and serving on Malakath is for life anyway so why would the authorities bother in enforcing a ban on pit fighting? Besides, the Imperium is meant to be brutal. Some gladiatorial action fits in, especially when criminals are concerned. Maybe it's supposed to be illegal but nobody bothers to uphold that particular proscription?

I intentionally used the word illicit rather than illegal, so as to indicate the immorality of the activity without involving the law enforcement angle. I just needed it to sound a tad darker.

I don't think it's made clear enough in the article but are the Stalkers simply raised from Imperial Fist geneseed and trained by Executioners, or are they of Imperial Fist lineage via the Executioners?

To tell the truth, I didn't think about it because it never occurred to me that the exact genetic lineage was important to the character of the Chapter. Neither choice impacts the Chapter's image with sufficient gravity to merit the extra attention. Since it's effectively superfluous data, I'd just aas soon leave the reader to postulate or, more likely, not care.

 

I appreciate the C&C. Thanks again.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, I've just read through the IA.

 

Shamefully, I can't give you the same degree of criticism that you gave my Infinity Knights, since I can't find much wrong with the IA.

 

However, one thing stood out to me a bit.

The origins section really doesn't tell us much at all about the Storm Stalkers.

 

It's a good pre-Storm Stalker history, but lacks, for want of a better term, any sort of hook. When I finished reading it, my only response was 'what am I reading about, again?'

 

Maybe something detailing the Stalkers' early years a little would benefit here, although I'm not sure exactly what you could include.

 

Perhaps you could use a brief overview of their campaign to take the area with their homeworld in to highlight how pragmatic and cunning the Chapter is?

[Ecritter]

Just to throw something in the fight, I did alot of research on the Sisters of Silence recently .... and they are rumored to man the Black Ships now.

[Olis]

Just to throw something in the fight, I did alot of research on the Sisters of Silence recently .... and they are rumored to man the Black Ships now.

 

Well, that'd make some sense. ;) Is it a rumour in canon, or a rumour in general?

[Ecritter]

Canon rumor I believe.

[InquisitorHayn]

Thanks to all for the helpful tidbits, and to Ecritter for the educational break. Good to know. And now, to business.

 

@Ace:

The origins section really doesn't tell us much at all about the Storm Stalkers.

 

It's a good pre-Storm Stalker history, but lacks, for want of a better term, any sort of hook. When I finished reading it, my only response was 'what am I reading about, again?'

 

Maybe something detailing the Stalkers' early years a little would benefit here, although I'm not sure exactly what you could include.

 

Perhaps you could use a brief overview of their campaign to take the area with their homeworld in to highlight how pragmatic and cunning the Chapter is?

Having re-read it, I couldn't agree more. Since the Storm Stalkers weren't really the ones who conquered that particular area though, at least as of now, I can't use that. However, I do have a couple of battles that I scrapped during a period where I was making serious alterations to the fluff. I think I might be able to re-work them into major historical events, kind of how Octavulg tends to use his.

[Octavulg]

Origins[/b]

 

Hey, Inquisitor! Watch me pull a shorter Origins section out of my hat!

 

"In the 36th millennium, brother waged war upon brother, entire systems were lost, the Officio Assassinorum fell to internecine strife and even the vaunted High Lords of Terra were sundered and cast aside by the terrible storm of destruction that arose. Even after Sebastian Thor restored some semblance of order, there still remained numerous threats poised to strike while the dominion of Man lay broken and vulnerable. The reconstituted High Lords decided that Humanity's defenses had to be re-fortified - a new founding of the Adeptus Astartes was to be born.

 

As part of an effort to reaffirm Imperial rule within Segmentum Ultima, the valiant Battle-Brothers of the Executioners were granted the honor of training a new generation of warriors to stand guard over the Keldara Sector, which had fallen into chaos and disorder. The new chapter was to exterminate the Ork infestations that had taken root there and reestablish Imperial law. The new chapter was based on the death world Malakath, a breeding ground for fierce warriors and hardy survivalists. As the decades passed, the fledgling Chapter grew to strength and became the Storm Stalkers of Malakath, and after five centuries of bloody warfare the Keldara Sector was Imperial once more. Five thousand years afterward, the Chapter continues to bring the Emperor's fury down upon the enemies of Mankind."

 

Always, always get to the point. Don't provide excessive historical details - the sort of people who read DIY Chapter IAs don't need too many, and they're not the point in any case.

 

Home World

 

I'm going to do the same thing to the Home World section, then I'm going to stop. For one, you should learn to do this for yourself, for another, it starts to get rude, for a third, I should probably actually provide you with something other than editing, and editing gets in the way of explaining. ^_^

 

"Malakath is a harsh, unforgiving wasteland of a world that, with the exception of its rich veins of rare and exotic minerals, does not merit colonization. Desolate cobalt deserts cover the majority of the planet's surface, perforated by ranges of jagged mountains that shimmer with the intense heat. The unstable sun causes wild temperature variation from day to night as well as frequent and devastating ion storms that play havoc on vehicles and communication equipment alike. This burning cyan hell is so inimical to life that only a handful of species have been able to adapt and survive, and those that have are often lethal.

 

The Malakathi are a hardy, superstitious and embittered people, divided into twelve tribes which have grown into massive nations, each member venerating his ancestors and the guardian spirits of the Twelve Hells. Each day on Malakath is a trial of will and the ability to survive, and the tribesmen have translated this mentality into their spirituality. It is believed that a departed soul must face the trials posed by twelve infernal netherworlds. If they perform admirably, the guardians of those realms will grant passage and the fallen soul will be led to his place at the Emperor's side.

 

Daily life on the planet occurs within the walls of self-contained townships called Sulas. Ancient recycling machines whir and hum, filtering the thin air. Life on the desert world is not kind to the elderly and most tribesmen have lost the vigor and health to survive outside by the time they are thirty. Those that can no longer contribute to the good of the tribe are exiled to the merciless sands, lest they waste precious resources the tribe cannot afford. Young Malakathi are trained in the ways of the Dune Seeker, usually joining a Seeker band by the celebrated age of twelve. It is these brave individuals on whom the rest truly depend, for they venture forth into the wastes, swathed in robes and rebreather apparatus, to collect the moisture from the traps, hunt the deadly thirty-foot Balu serpents, and raid the other tribes for slaves and supplies.

 

Imperial surveyors also maintain a presence on Malakath, bartering with the nearest tribes for protection while their servitors and indentured criminals unearth the resources contained in the millennia-old mining tunnels that underlie the surface. The work crews must rely heavily on the locals, as ships can come and go only as the planet's fearsome storms dictate. The miners, who will often live out the rest of their lives on the planet, have tended to become even more violent and, fascinated by Malakathi honor duels and tribal wars, the foremen have introduced a dark underground of illicit entertainment in the form of brutal pit fights. Offspring born into this realm of gruesome violence and hazardous labor learn quickly to steal, to kill, and to put their own survival first."

 

Remember - this is about the chapter, not about the planet. I'm glad you liked Dune, BTW. B)

 

Always give the minimal detail necessary for a home world. Other people's imaginations are usually up to the task - if only because they know what they like.

 

We should be told something about the chapter's relationship to their home world at some point - perhaps a bit about the Fortress Monastery, possibly some recruitment, how often the Marines interact with the population and how, that sort of thing.

 

Beneath the cliffs and crags of a lonely mountain amongst the azure sands, lies the fortress known as Thundergate, bastion of the Storm Stalkers. Within its hallowed chambers are extraordinary men forged into legendary figures of wrath and vengeance. Here lie armouries of destructive weaponry. Here rest tomes of knowledge both esoteric and ancient. Here are housed Space Marines of the Imperium of Man.

 

Fits just as well in Home World, or could be eliminated. Or could work as a sidebar.

 

Recruitment and Training

 

Blasphemy! Stick it in Geneseed and/or Combat Doctrine.

 

Life is surely no better in the planet's numerous mining tunnels. Collapsing shafts, inadequate equipment, and endless violence ensure a high mortality rate. The Imperial overseers have no desire to improve the situation either, since the miners are mostly murderers, deserters, or some other undeserving type of criminal. In point of fact, the harsh conditions are encouraged. By limiting rations and mistreating their charges, the overseers and guards (who are often posted on Malakath as a dead end to their careers due to some slight or failure) stir the tensions raging beneath the surface so that they may alleviate their boredom by arranging grisly pit fights among the most violent workers. In the midst of this cruelty, hardship, and bloodshed are born the most savage offspring imaginable. More so than the older miners, these warped youths must fight, kill, and steal to have even the slightest chance of surviving the hellish conditions. Few live longer than a few years, often the scions of rapacious criminals or lecherous guards who care little for their bastard children, and fewer still reach adolescence. Those that do live to endure the back-breaking labor and deadly conditions, however, become the most violent and cunning killers imaginable.

 

Redundant with the home world section in large part.

 

Nihil est verum. Omnia licet.

-Motto inscribed upon the Librarium doors

 

I get it!

 

* * *

 

You're a little too loquacious, and I think the readability'd be improved if you tightened up the writing somewhat. It's honestly a little tiring to read because it's a lot longer than it needs to be. Tightening it'll make for a very short IA, but that lets you add content, so it's a win.

 

Is there anything in particular you'd like the IA to focus on? Themes, ideas, concepts, what have you. I find picking a theme to focus on really helps bring an IA together.

 

I'd recommend moving the Home World section - at the moment you don't actually tell us much about the chapter until almost halfway into the IA.

[Shinzaren]

We war with daemons of the warp.

With the failures of the weak.

With the Xenos.

With the unrelenting voice spreading the taint of Chaos.

But we are warriors of the Imperium, and one thing will always be certain.

We will be victorious!

-Colm Rentilius, Lord Malakath

Saw this earlier in a different thread, and it brings the same issue. Malaketh is the Witch King of the Dark Elves in Fantasy. While it is no large issue, many people who play or have a working knowledge of both games will see Malakath as an inherently bad guy.

 

I

n the 36th millennium, a great calamity struck the Imperium in the form of the mad tyrant, Goge Vandire. Brother waged war upon brother, entire systems were left disconnected from the galaxy at large, the Officio Assassinorum fell to internecine strife and even the vaunted High Lords of Terra were sundered and cast aside by the terrible storm of destruction that arose. Indeed, even after Sebastian Thor and the Brides of the Emperor restored some semblance of order to the Adepta and their holdings, there still remained numerous threats barely held at bay by the struggling forces of the Imperial Guard and mighty Space Marines, threats that stood poised to strike while the dominion of Man lay broken and vulnerable. It was for this reason that the newly reconstituted High Lords decided that Humanity's defenses had to be re-fortified. It was for this reason that a new Chapter of the legendary warriors, the Adeptus Astartes, was to be born.

We know what the Reign of Blood was, we know what the Age of Apostasy was. We need less backround on that than you are providing. This whole paragraph can be condensed to one sentence.

 

"Following the terrible strife of Goge Vandire's tyrannical reign, the newly reinstalled High Lords of Terra deemed that new Chapters of the Emperor's Space Marines would be needed to retake the systems lost to the chaos of the war, of which the Storm Stalkers were one."

 

 

As part of an effort to reaffirm Imperial rule within Segmentum Ultima, a battlegroup of the Imperial Guard was sent to push into the Keldara sector, exterminate the Ork infestation that had taken root there and establish martial law over the colonies therein until such time as order was reinstated. A task force drawn from the ferocious Executioners Chapter was seconded to the expedition and, over the course of nearly two decades of bloody war, the forces of Man drew Keldara back into the Imperial fold. Since resources at the time were stretched thin, the Guard regiments were redeployed and it was decided amongst the High Lords of Terra that a Chapter of Space Marines would be created to safeguard the region and act as a bulwark against threats from beyond. The valiant Battle-Brothers of the Executioners were granted the honor to train this new generation of warriors and stand guard over the sector until their apprentices of death took up the mantle for themselves.

How important is this area, that a whole chapter of Space Marines were created just to guard it?

 

The mission commander chose the death world Malakath as the site for his operational center. Located in a system on the edge of the sector, the planet was a breeding ground for fierce warriors and hardy survivalists. As the decades passed, the fledgling Chapter grew to strength and became the Storm Stalkers of Malakath. Five thousand years hence, the Chapter continues to bring the Emperor's fury down upon the enemies of Mankind.

Is Lord Malakath the title that your Chapter Master gets? Or is it the name of your guy. The quote above, and the name of the planet here, are just a bit confusing. Also, the Storm Stalkers of Malakath is a mouthful. Storm Stalkers is much cleaner.

 

M

alakath is a harsh, unforgiving wasteland of a world that, with exception to its rich veins of rare and exotic minerals, bears no merit toward Human colonization. Desolate cobalt deserts cover the majority of the planet's surface, perforated by ranges of featureless jagged mountains that shimmer with the intense heat of the day. A shift in the world's orbit, eons past, brought it closer to its star, melting away and subsequently vaporizing the polar ice.

The habitable range around a star is very narrow, and an altered orbit would be devastating to your world. Especially when you consider that a shift in the rotation would probably lead to more shifts, eventually pushing the planet too far out, or too close to the star, killing the world.

 

The resultant increase in gravitational force provided the pressure necessary to form incredibly valuable metals and crystals, but also made dwelling on the surface a ponderous and wearying tribulation of an existence.

The Sun's effect on this world wouldn't increase the planet's gravity. Instead it would alter the tides, and see a large increase in seismic activity, leading to a vast increase in destruction for the inhabitants.

 

Proximity to its unstable sun, enhanced by the high vapor content of the air, causes wild temperature variation from day to night as well as frequent atmospheric anomalies which manifest in the form of vast and devastating ion storms that play havoc on vehicles and communication equipment alike.

See above, altering an orbit has all kinds of crazy consequences.

 

This burning, cyan hell of a world is so inimical to life that only a handful of species have been able to adapt and survive. Among them, the deadly Balu serpents of the mountains. Solitary and fiercely territorial, the Balu only leave the safety of their rocky lairs to feed upon the creatures of the desert, including Humans. Able to grow twice the length of a man, the infamous reptilian devils are incredibly strong and move like quicksilver. They have hides as thick as sheeted armaplas and fangs as long as a man's finger which produce a paralytic venom, leaving the prey warm and alive when the Balu consumes it. Much prized by the Malakathi for their durable skins, they are hunted by the bravest young warriors as a test of skill. Those youths who survive are among the greatest of their people, honored by the tribe and worthy to carry the traditional blade carved from the fang of the slain serpent.

Blah blah blah; relevance? This doesn't really add anything to IA, unless the Storm Stalkers adopt the snake as a motto, or only chose their candidates from those who slay one.

 

Descendants of a long ago colonization, the Malakathi are a hardy, superstitious and embittered people. They are divided into twelve tribes which have grown into massive individual nations over the centuries, each member venerating his ancestors and the guardian spirits of the Twelve Hells. Each day on Malakath is a trial of will and the ability to survive to the next, and so the tribesmen have translated this mentality into their spirituality. After death, it is believed that the departed soul must face the trials posed by each of twelve infernal netherworlds. If they perform admirably, the guardians of those realms will grant passage and the fallen soul is led to his place at the Emperor's side. Prior to that, daily life on the planet occurs within the walls of self-contained, electrically and thermally insulated townships called Sulas. Ancient recycling machines whir and hum, filtering the thin, heavily ionized air. Life on the desert world is not kind to the elderly and most tribesmen are relegated to tradesmanship within the Sulas by the age of thirty, having lost the vigor and health to survive outside. Those that can no longer contribute to the good of the tribe are exiled to the merciless sands, lest they waste precious resources the tribe cannot afford. Thus it is that the young Malakathi, from childhood, are trained in the ways of the Dune Seeker, usually joining a Seeker band by the celebrated age of twelve. It is these brave individuals on whom the rest truly depend, for they venture forth into the wastes, swathed in robes and rebreather apparatus, to collect the moisture from the traps, hunt the deadly Balu, and raid the other tribes for slaves, mates, and supplies.

This affects the Storm Stalkers how? Relevance to the Chapter is what is needed. Tie in all these features with how they change the Stalkers. Do the Marines still hold tribal loyalties? Do they send old marines out in their last battles, lest they stay and waste the Imperium's resources? How does the world affect the Chapter. Focus on that.

 

Imperial surveyors also maintain a presence on Malakath, bartering with the nearest tribe for protection while their bonded workers, largely criminals on penal sentence, unearth the resources contained in the millennia-old mining tunnels. The work crews rely heavily on the locals as improperly shielded ships can only come and go as the planet's fearsome storms dictate. Since many of the miners are on the planet for life, this has resulted in a cultural transference of sorts. The miners tend to become even more violent and, fascinated by Malakathi honor duels and tribal wars, the foremen have introduced a dark underground of illicit entertainment in the form of brutal and invariably lethal pit fights. Offspring born into this realm of gruesome violence and hazardous labor learn quickly to steal, to kill, and to put their own survival first. That is, they learn...or they die.

Relevance? Do the Stalkers also recruit from the penal gangs?

 

Organization

We brothers, we warriors, we bringers of death stride amongst the endless tide of our enemies undaunted, adorned with the flames of righteous hatred, ablaze with the vengeance of our ancestors, alight with the blinding illumination of our Emperor's truth. By the luminescence of our fiery vestment may our foes find us and, in so doing, find their path through the gates of oblivion.

Shiny marine metaphor in the GrimDark of the far future. Nice contrast.

 

B

eneath the cliffs and crags of a lonely mountain amongst the azure sands, lies the fortress known as Thundergate, bastion of the Storm Stalkers. Within its hallowed chambers are extraordinary men forged into legendary figures of wrath and vengeance. Here lie armouries of destructive weaponry. Here rest tomes of knowledge both esoteric and ancient. Here are housed Space Marines of the Imperium of Man.

Put this with the Homeworld section, it adds more relevance to that section, and it shows that the Space Marines actually maintain a presence there.

 

The Storm Stalkers retain a largely codex-adherent organizational structure, although they do inherit some minor deviations from their parent Chapter. Each company retains three chaplains, known as Death Speakers, as opposed to the standard of one. These marines bear the solemn duty to counsel their brothers in life and speak the tales of their heroism after death, as well as the responsibility to keep order among the quick-tempered and barbaric marines.

I don't think there is 1 chaplain per company. Like Librarians or vehicles, Chaplains go where they are needed. As their numbers are concerned, I think they just take any marine who shows all the right qualities, with no set number. The idea of the 3 Death Speakers is good though, just don't need the contrast to other chapters only having one.

 

One devastator squad in each company is replaced with a unit of sternguard veterans to better facilitate the Chapter's penchant for close-in kills. Also, likely due to the desert terrain of their homeworld, the Chapter's marines prefer the versatility of speeders over land-bound bikes.

So you lean towards melee kills by swapping a ranged squad for a slightly less ranged squad...? Do you mean to say Vanguard Vets, instead of Sternguard?

 

Governance of each company is left to the individual Captains who maintain a great degree of autonomy, but when matters affecting the entire Chapter arise, the Storm Stalkers call upon the Council of Twelve, consisting of the Chapter Master (Lord Malakath), the ten Captains, and the Chief Librarian. The Lord Speaker of the Dead is invariably in attendance, availing the Council of his wisdom, but primarily serves as an impartial peacekeeper. This is mostly only a nominal duty as leadership may be contested by any officer and, in such a case, the ensuing duel is often lethal. Only the strong are fit to lead warriors of Malakath, and any display of weakness is met with bloody challenge.

Sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous. Honor duels are cool, everyone loves them. Letting ANYONE challenge the leader is stupid. You can have a fresh Sergeant win the right to lead in a duel, killing the CM. The Captain will obviously not accept this and will duel the former Sergeant. If he wins, you now have 2 wasted lives, and an inexperienced Chapter Master. Just... no.

 

 

Your enemy may not harm what he cannot see. He cannot see if he is dead. The solution is obvious.

-Scout Sergeant Decius Cennedig, explaining battle theory to recruits

O

n the assault, the Storm Stalkers prefer to silently breach the enemy perimeter and execute fast, explosive strikes into critical points in the enemy defenses. Utilizing air and orbital drops as well as teleportation, the Malakathi warriors strike from the skies with the brutal efficiency of a thunderbolt. They appear, the hammer falls, and they are gone. The Chapter relies on its melee skills and extremely disciplined bolter fire to make its marines superb close-range fighters, though it will wage war on any front without hesitation.

Pretty basic marine tactics, after the stealth bit. Aerial and orbital attacks are the bread and butter of all Astartes.

 

B

orn into a culture that has thrived on the death world for millennia, the young Dune Seekers of the tribes are hardy individuals possessed of incredible resolve. From the time they can stand, they are bathed in the harshness of desert life. The high gravity and extremes of temperature on Malakath forge wiry, muscular bodies that are highly resilient to the elements. These warriors are surrounded by death from birth and forced to take the lives of others for simple survival. Theirs is a bleak and lonely outlook on life: cold, calculating, acting without hesitation. Each trial is simply one more test in a lifetime of tribulation.

This should replace some of your homeworld section. This is less about the Geneseed/Recruiting, and more about the world's inhabitants, which is what the Homeworld is for.

 

It is from these cultures of death that the Storm Stalkers of Malakath draw their recruits and only those willing to pay any cost for survival are even considered for acceptance. The chosen may be the last Dune Seeker standing on the grounds of a tribal conflict, barely conscious from still bleeding wounds. Perhaps he is a member of a prisoner revolt, beaten to the edge of death in punishment even as he lies atop the bodies of the guards he slew with his bare hands. Whatever the circumstances of their choosing, it is only the beginning of the path to glory. After it is determined that the aspirant's body is free of taint and capable of accepting the Chapter's gene-seed the youth is subjected to the Twelve Trials of Fate, a series of tests designed to measure the physical fortitude, strength of will, skill at arms, and willingness to persevere at any price. All of the tests are extremely dangerous and the price of failure is almost always death, for the weak have no place in the service of the Emperor. If the aspirant lives through the ordeal, he is inducted into the Scout company and trained in the ways of the Astartes, but there is one last test that awaits him before he may ever be called Battle-Brother. Once the young Scout is deemed ready to become a fully-fledged Space Marine he is cast into the desert, bearing only desert robes, a single canteen, and no weapons, to seek out and slay a Balu serpent in its mountainous lair. If the warrior returns bearing his slain quarry, he is ceremoniously granted a suit of ancient power armour, the fangs of the fallen beast symbolically mounted on the left gauntlet, and the coveted title, Brother of the Storm.

Frank Herbert says hello. He also wants his idea of taming the desert worm back. Kidding aside, this is decent, and is the first indicator of WHO the Storm Stalkers are. Before this, there are no indicators of what makes the Stalkers unique.

 

Beliefs

Nihil est verum. Omnia licet.

-Motto inscribed upon the Librarium doors

Which is absolutely pointless to those of us who don't speak Latin. Put a translation underneath so we know what we are missing.

 

Shamans are important figures in Malakathi society, acting as spiritual advisors and oracles. Due to the ethereal nature of their powers, psykers tend to find themselves assuming such positions within the tribes. While these mystics are admittedly dangerous, the Malakathi are a practical people and recognize the boon that their powers can be for the good of the whole. Thus it is that Librarians are generally accepted within the Chapter, bearing few of the typical stigmas normally associated with psychic aptitude...for the most part. Those Battle-Brothers raised in the mines are wary of the psykers; their minds ill at ease with beings that can kill with a thought. A miner's life is preserved by his awareness of danger and his ability to predict the movements of his opposition. The actions of psykers are unseen and therefore unpredictable and dangerous. These contrasting beliefs lead to drastically different approaches taken by individual Captains. Some utilize psykers often, bringing their power to bear on their enemies, while others prefer to have as little to do with them as possible.

Good. This is more explanation of the WHO. How they think, what they think, why they do what they do. Needs more of this.

 

 

Though the Storm Stalkers have a well-deserved reputation for repeated, if savage, effectiveness, the cultural duality of the Chapter has put something of a damper on relations with other Imperial organizations. While brutally efficient, leaders of native Malakathi descent are not wasteful and tend to minimize collateral damage for the sake of preserving the Imperium's strength. Those brought up in the mines have been likened more closely to bloodthirsty animals who see nothing but the most direct path to complete destruction of the enemy, regardless of superfluous casualties. Because of this stark disparity in practice, the autonomy afforded the Captains, and the rapid and unforeseeable changes their leadership structure may undergo, the Storm Stalkers are regarded as an unpredictable ally at best and at worst, a heavy price to pay for victory.

Wouldn't the hypno-induction remove the worst of both personality traits? Wiping the slate clean as it were? Otherwise this much friction, plus the ability to kill for leadership means that you will have a blood bath all the time. If a miner is the CM, then wouldn't the tribesmen, with radically different viewpoints, want to challenge him? Which would start either a vicious cycle of miner and tribesmen, or see a lot of dead captains, as the miner just continues to kill them; thus wasting the valuable time and experience that marine had.

 

Despite their apparently disjointed nature, the Chapter is unified in its complete abhorrence of weakness. A strong leader, once he has proved himself so in battle against those who would challenge him, can command the full power of the Storm Stalkers with absolute obedience. On the other hand, those who appear weak are often dismissed out of hand, including Imperial officials, regardless of rank.

Eh, I'm still not buying the idea of dueling for leadership.

 

So it is that the brotherhood's Captains are superb commanders and masters of combat in all its forms. By the same token, he who earns the title of Lord Malakath is an invincible strategist and an unparalleled warrior with centuries of victory and bloodshed on which he has built his legend, set as far apart from the Captains in skill and savagery as they from the Battle-Brothers they command. On Malakath, there is only one truth. There are no innocents and there are no heroes. There are only the weak...and the strong.

This statement says one of two things. Either your Captains, and by extension your battle-brothers, are pretty bad at strategy; or your Chapter Masters possess Primarch levels of tactical thinking. Both seem... unlikely.

 

Geneseed

S

torm Stalkers draw their lineage to proud Rogal Dorn, the hammer of the Emperor. While denied the benefits of the Betcher's Gland and Sus-An Membrane, the Chapter's marines are extraordinarily stubborn and protective of their honour to the point of bloodshed.

Merge the recruitment part to here, and the pre-recruitment planet dwellers to the homeworld section. You will cut a whole section out, and flesh out this one, which so desperately needs it.

 

Well written IA, well thought out, and well planned. I don't really know who the Storm Stalkers are though. Aside from feeling that the weak should be dominated by the strong, there isn't a lot to them. More tension between factions, more focus on how they see the Imperium, its citizens, its Emperor, its organizations. Why do they fight? Who do they fight?

[InquisitorHayn]

Before I begin, a hefty thanks and tip of the helm to Shinzaren. Very good stuff. Very challenging. I like it. Now on to the show.

 

-Colm Rentilius, Lord Malakath

Saw this earlier in a different thread, and it brings the same issue. Malaketh is the Witch King of the Dark Elves in Fantasy. While it is no large issue, many people who play or have a working knowledge of both games will see Malakath as an inherently bad guy.

Completely honest mistake. Never read a bit of the Fantasy stuff. Makes me want to re-work the name though. Kinda pulled it out of the ol' posterior anyway, to be honest.

 

Since a lot of the critique can be addressed en masse, checklist is as follows: A) more Chapter, fewer descriptions :woot: Stop pretending I'm an astrophysicist. Got it :)

 

Continuing on:

How important is this area, that a whole chapter of Space Marines were created just to guard it?

Riddle me this. Precisely why does one, in a universe of ever-increasing danger and endless new threats, create a force of superhuman warriors if not to simply preempt the inevitable and make sure all bases are covered? It seems, from a military standpoint, that to declare the establishment of an asset that takes decades to reach functionality in order to combat an immediate or shortly impending threat is without foresight at best; complete lunacy at worst.

 

Is Lord Malakath the title that your Chapter Master gets? Or is it the name of your guy. The quote above, and the name of the planet here, are just a bit confusing. Also, the Storm Stalkers of Malakath is a mouthful. Storm Stalkers is much cleaner.

It was the title; however, I believe I'll change it after the whole Fantasy-king revelation. As for the Chapter name, noted and agreed.

 

We brothers, we warriors, we bringers of death stride amongst the endless tide of our enemies undaunted, adorned with the flames of righteous hatred, ablaze with the vengeance of our ancestors, alight with the blinding illumination of our Emperor's truth. By the luminescence of our fiery vestment may our foes find us and, in so doing, find their path through the gates of oblivion.

Shiny marine metaphor in the GrimDark™ of the far future. Nice contrast.

Thank you.

 

As for the multiple Chaplains, Sternguard-Devastator substitution, and (your favorite) the honor duels...straight out of the Executioners fluff from IA10. I liked their basic traits as a progenitor: the savagery, the honor, the daddy issues. I wanted to create a new Successor but felt it would be unjustified to diverge entirely from the parent Chapter's traditions. And while I'm on the subject...

Sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous. Honor duels are cool, everyone loves them. Letting ANYONE challenge the leader is stupid. You can have a fresh Sergeant win the right to lead in a duel, killing the CM. The Captain will obviously not accept this and will duel the former Sergeant. If he wins, you now have 2 wasted lives, and an inexperienced Chapter Master. Just... no.

Consider, if you will, a pack of wolves. It's the concept of the alpha male. Everyone obviously wants to be the leader, but common sense and observation tell most sensible folk (and animals) who their betters are. Watch someone kill a couple of the best fighters you've ever seen and it doesn't seem like such a good plan anymore. Furthermore, not being that guy who challenges everyone ensures that while you're getting down and dirty, there are people watching your butt. Self-preservation. The enemy is elsewhere. Probably behind you.

 

Aerial and orbital attacks are the bread and butter of all Astartes.

Completely agreed. My question is: "What exactly is the Combat Doctrine section for?" Unless you're one of those rare Chapters that disregard the Codex entirely...or the Raven Guard...then everyone should fight in more or less the same fashion, adapting to new circumstances as they come along. I mean, you may really like to shoot things from far away or hit people with your fists...or be completely silent, plate-armored, half-ton space ninjas...but you do what you have to when it needs doing.

 

Wouldn't the hypno-induction remove the worst of both personality traits? Wiping the slate clean as it were? Otherwise this much friction, plus the ability to kill for leadership means that you will have a blood bath all the time. If a miner is the CM, then wouldn't the tribesmen, with radically different viewpoints, want to challenge him? Which would start either a vicious cycle of miner and tribesmen, or see a lot of dead captains, as the miner just continues to kill them; thus wasting the valuable time and experience that marine had.

New marines aren't mind-wiped. Nor do they all become calm, collected, virtuous warriors. The conditioning only makes the aspirant more apt to function within the group, and it's all overseen and modified by the Chapter heads to get the results they want. The recruits might fight each other less, but they still remember who they are. On the other side of the coin, just because you don't like your boss doesn't necessarily mean you don't follow orders. If that were the case, for example, any military commanded by an elected official would lose its effectiveness after every election.

 

Just something I've noticed: a lot of the issue with leadership duels seems to be with the fact that they're allowed. Ever tell a kid not to grab a cookie out of the jar? Just because he's not allowed does not mean he's physically incapable. What keeps soldiers from just killing the guy in charge and taking over boils down to discipline, politics, and cognizance of strength. The first instills the reason for leadership. The last enforces it. Politics makes you wonder how many friends he has who might feel inclined to kill you back.

 

So it is that the brotherhood's Captains are superb commanders and masters of combat in all its forms. By the same token, he who earns the title of Lord Malakath is an invincible strategist and an unparalleled warrior with centuries of victory and bloodshed on which he has built his legend, set as far apart from the Captains in skill and savagery as they from the Battle-Brothers they command. On Malakath, there is only one truth. There are no innocents and there are no heroes. There are only the weak...and the strong.

This statement says one of two things. Either your Captains, and by extension your battle-brothers, are pretty bad at strategy; or your Chapter Masters possess Primarch levels of tactical thinking. Both seem... unlikely.

Not at all. A lieutenant doesn't think like a general; nor is he expected to. He hasn't accrued the years (decades, centuries, etc.) of training and experience to do so. He's not quite there...yet. If you had a whole army of Chapter Masters or even Captains, how would you decide who to put in charge?

 

To avoid any further undue ocular strain, suffice it to say that I have taken all suggestions to heart and that this IA is in for a major refit. Paragraphs will be moved. Words will be deleted. Trespassers will be shot on sight. Oh wait, that one's for the sign in my yard. Thanks again Shinzaren, Octavulg, and all the others here on the B&C who have been kind enough to assist in my endeavours. May the Emperor maintain the function of gravity in your toilets.

[Shinzaren]

Riddle me this. Precisely why does one, in a universe of ever-increasing danger and endless new threats, create a force of superhuman warriors if not to simply preempt the inevitable and make sure all bases are covered? It seems, from a military standpoint, that to declare the establishment of an asset that takes decades to reach functionality in order to combat an immediate or shortly impending threat is without foresight at best; complete lunacy at worst.

I wasn't saying you shouldn't create your chapter here. I was saying that there are ~1000 chapters of marines spread across the whole galaxy, and each one is extremely valuable. Why should one go here? Is there a forgeworld? Is this a gateway system to deeper in the sector? Is there an Armageddon-like world here that absolutely cannot fall? Explain the importance of this sector to the Imperium, so everyone knows why your marines had to be here.

 

As for the multiple Chaplains, Sternguard-Devastator substitution, and (your favorite) the honor duels...straight out of the Executioners fluff from IA10. I liked their basic traits as a progenitor: the savagery, the honor, the daddy issues. I wanted to create a new Successor but felt it would be unjustified to diverge entirely from the parent Chapter's traditions. And while I'm on the subject...

Chaplains = Ok but not fantastic. I like your idea for X chaplains per company, but it needs a better explanation.

Sternguard-Devastator = Silly. Why take firepower away and lose the range of devastators? The guise of 'close combat' doesn't work. Make them assault marines if you want that to be the reason.

Dueling for Honor = Ok. To the death...slightly silly, but they are hardcore. It works.

Dueling for Leadership = Silly. Why waste the marines?

 

Consider, if you will, a pack of wolves. It's the concept of the alpha male. Everyone obviously wants to be the leader, but common sense and observation tell most sensible folk (and animals) who their betters are. Watch someone kill a couple of the best fighters you've ever seen and it doesn't seem like such a good plan anymore. Furthermore, not being that guy who challenges everyone ensures that while you're getting down and dirty, there are people watching your butt. Self-preservation. The enemy is elsewhere. Probably behind you.

We'll run with your Wolves metaphor. Instead of a pack of wolves, you actually have 2 subsets of the pack. Brown wolves and Red Wolves. Brown wolves believe that we should take the largest kill at all times to feed the pack as best as possible, regardless of injuries or deaths. The risk outweighs the reward. Red Wolves believe that we should focus on taking only the kills we need, while maintaining the strength and health of the pack. The pack is more important than the kill. Now the pack is divided. If a Brown wolf rules, even a strong one, the Red wolves will want to stop him. They will think that the Brown wolf will cause harm to the pack. Same goes if a Red wolf leads. The only viable solution for these two packs is to split into two separate packs. The alternative is a bloodbath for the right to rule and the correct path.

 

Your marines are the pack. Add to that a marine's legendary pride and stubbornness and you have a recipe for disaster. Consequences are meaningless to people with strong beliefs. Marines are MADE of strong beliefs.

 

Completely agreed. My question is: "What exactly is the Combat Doctrine section for?" Unless you're one of those rare Chapters that disregard the Codex entirely...or the Raven Guard...then everyone should fight in more or less the same fashion, adapting to new circumstances as they come along. I mean, you may really like to shoot things from far away or hit people with your fists...or be completely silent, plate-armored, half-ton space ninjas...but you do what you have to when it needs doing.

Combat doctrine is a place to show your quirks. Do they take trophies? Do they believe in melee because they want to see enemy die up close? Do they believe in ranged because they think it is the most efficient and effective strategy? Do they favor Sternguard or Vanguard? How do they see the use of vehicles and Dreadnoughts? What are their views on Librarians, Chaplains, and Techmarines as far as battle strategy goes? Do they have a particular enemy they favor and have molded their tactics around?

 

Just something I've noticed: a lot of the issue with leadership duels seems to be with the fact that they're allowed. Ever tell a kid not to grab a cookie out of the jar? Just because he's not allowed does not mean he's physically incapable. What keeps soldiers from just killing the guy in charge and taking over boils down to discipline, politics, and cognizance of strength. The first instills the reason for leadership. The last enforces it. Politics makes you wonder how many friends he has who might feel inclined to kill you back.

In modern society, and a modern army, if you kill your boss, you don't get to take his job, you get hanged. If you tell a kid not to take a cookie and he does so anyway, he gets punished. If you tell a kid he can have a cookie if he can get to it, he is gonna stuff his face on Oreos in 5 mins. You offered a reward. If you told people they could become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by killing the current one, we would have a LOT of dead bodies. There is a saying that a friend of mine quotes to me constantly, more so since she had kids. "What we allow, we promote." You are allowing the killing of fellow marines to advance in rank. Therefore you are promoting the killing of fellow marines to advance in rank. You reward the killer, you don't punish him. That is the difference. And that is the area I take issue with. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that you have two diametrically opposed factions in your chapter.

 

Not at all. A lieutenant doesn't think like a general; nor is he expected to. He hasn't accrued the years (decades, centuries, etc.) of training and experience to do so. He's not quite there...yet. If you had a whole army of Chapter Masters or even Captains, how would you decide who to put in charge?

Fair enough. Rewrite it like this. As it reads now, your CM is a primarch genius strategist and your battle brothers can't tie their own shoes. B)

[InquisitorHayn]

Wow. It's been a while. Back on track now, though. I'd like to give a hearty thank you to everyone who's assisted on this project thus far, especially NightrawenII, Octavulg, and Shinzaren. Lots of work still to go, but I couldn't have made i this far without you. Anyways, please C&C. I've added new updates, and any insights into any of the material, new or old, are greatly appreciated.

[InquisitorHayn]

Greetings fluff fans! Just put in several more hours for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

[InquisitorHayn]

Brand new updates! Also, if anyone can help me with the color scheme, I'm trying to stick with the dark blue and metal but I just can't make it look right.

[Ace Debonair]

Brand new updates! Also, if anyone can help me with the color scheme, I'm trying to stick with the dark blue and metal but I just can't make it look right.

 

*Kicks the door open*

Did someone say colour schemes? ^_^

 

EDIT:

 

 

They did, but I've got to clean up after myself.

Makes the site cheaper to run, dont'cha know!

[InquisitorHayn]

*Kicks the door open*

Did someone say colour schemes?

Ah, Ace, how did I know it'd be you? :P

And as far as whether they help, yes and no. I came up with a couple myself and now you've added another that I like to the mix (the middle, frosty looking one). The two I have so far are:

I'm leaning toward this one ========>

[clearfloat][/clearfloat]

And I can't decide! O woe is me. Thoughts?

[NightrawenII]

The asymmetrical scheme looks... odd.

 

I will look up this Chapter tomorrow. I don't have much time right now, I promise! :P