PyronusSouria Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I'm just gonna totally remake this, try and streamline it and whatnot. And rename the chapter. Sounds silly :) With that in mind, what should I rename them? They're Codex Grey with Scab Red shoulders and kneepads. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKO Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Well its a nice story but we dont know much about the chapter. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2775824 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Big edit, added a bunch of info. C+C welcomed, feel free to take out all your earthly frustrations through bashing it :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2776794 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Created in M38 as part of the Twenty-Third founding, the Knights Inclement were designed to be an orbital strike chapter. Led by Chapter Master Lycurgis Pluvias, they engaged in many conflicts against Orks in the Rentac system. They were successful and efficient, with one of the lower casualty rates in the region. However, after assisting the Imperium in establishing a settlement on Rentac VI, things would change for the Knights. OK, I thought Concrete Falcons was kind of silly. Knights Inclement is worse. It makes them sound slightly vexed. Chapter Master Pluvias decided, much against regular procedure, to institute his entire chapter as a planetary defence force on Rentac VI. That's a waste of men and materiel. There is less than one Space Marine for every world of the Imperium. Which means these guys are getting approximately 100000% of the attention they deserve. This is a much bigger deal than you seem to think. He also started spending much of his time in the company of Planetary Governor Bennett, often bringing with him the Captains of 2nd, 5th, 6th, 8th and 9th companies. The other Captains were curious, but paid little attention to it, dedicating their time to griping over being stuck as a PDF. However, First Captain Peregrius became more than a little suspicious of his Chapter Master’s activities, and decided to investigate as much as he could without drawing suspicion upon himself. However, before he could discover much, the answer was thrust upon him. He awoke one night to a transmission from a 4th company Sergeant, saying that members of the 2nd, 5th, 6th, 8th, and 9th, as well as the Chapter Master, his retinue, and elements of Bennett’s Planetary Guard had opened fire on them during their watch, and that similar reports were coming from all over the city. Peregrius quickly armed himself and made his way through his barrack, appreciating his preference to share accommodations with his men. He roused a small contingent and set out into the city, not to engage with the traitorous companies, but to seek the heart of the problem. Following a secret route he had observed used by the traitor Captains, him and his group of twenty-two Astartes made their way up to the Governor’s chambers, where they quickly discovered what evils had occurred. This comes out of nowhere and feels incredibly arbitrary. Renaming themselves the Concrete Falcons, in honour of the nature of the area where they were refounded, and the creature that led Peregrius’ eye to their true enemy. Also, they changed the chapter colour to a dark red and grey, to symbolize the blood shed by their comrades in the concrete sprawl of the city. First, it took too long to get here - that entire spiel can be summed up as "they renounced their heritage after their Chapter Master turned traitor". Second, it wasn't worth getting here - why not just have them be the Concrete Falcons (which is a silly name, I feel obligated to point out) from the start? What does the previous rigmarole get you? While the Knights were an orbital drop assault chapter, preferring large battlefields and long lines of sight, the Falcons prefer urban warfare. Why? * * * I must ask, as I always do, what you're trying to accomplish. What do you want? Right now you've got some odd organizational methods and an anecdote about the betrayal of the chapter. What's it all supposed to add up to? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2778768 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Created in M38 as part of the Twenty-Third founding, the Knights Inclement were designed to be an orbital strike chapter. Led by Chapter Master Lycurgis Pluvias, they engaged in many conflicts against Orks in the Rentac system. They were successful and efficient, with one of the lower casualty rates in the region. However, after assisting the Imperium in establishing a settlement on Rentac VI, things would change for the Knights. OK, I thought Concrete Falcons was kind of silly. Knights Inclement is worse. It makes them sound slightly vexed. I make it a point never to agree with Batman, purely on principle <_<, but here.. Oh my Gods is he right. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2778816 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 That sounds like a good way to get hit by a batarang. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2778877 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 That sounds like a good way to get hit by a batarang. Stop derailing the poor things thread and be constructive! I like the Companies organized in Corps - for want of a better word - but you can probably streamline the description; it's a bit word heavy and awkward at the moment. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2778884 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks for all the tips guys. I just re read this with those things in mind and I must have been high or something when I wrote this xD Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780004 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 No worries. I'd have two questions for you: What do you want to accomplish with this IA? What were you trying to evoke with 'Concrete'? Hard, durable, whatever? Heavy? Or something else? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780024 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 I'm trying to get something that sounds urban and industrial. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780257 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Then avoid Falcons, I think. Go for something dirtier or more associated with civilization, or cramped and unpleasant spaces. Dogs, Justicars, Spiders, Lords, Castellans. That sort of thing. I'd then recommend something like Stone, Imperial, Iron, Steel, or Fire. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780275 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 I don't suppose anyone would take the Stone Raccoons seriously, would they? xD Also, I liked the Falcon bit because the Peregrine falcon is a city falcon. They have a lot of them living in the buildings in Toronto where I used to live. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780311 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Please. Everyone knows nothing can survive in Toronto. People only survive by never going outside. :D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780369 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 No, they survive by standing inside the fireplace. Get your facts straight, Octy, you live in Canada. I feel obligated to suggest Purifiers. Okay, done. Now how about: Rust Hounds Steel Protectors Iron Flames Castellans of Rock Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2780373 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stercus Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 How about granite? Very strong, very grey, better than concrete You could go with "knights of granite" or "granite guards" or something similar Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2815428 Share on other sites More sharing options...
skamp Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You should go with stone castellans a combination of what octavulg has suggested.....but you said they are a drop pod assault chapter? hmmm not very castellan like though....still sounds cool lol Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2815462 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khine Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 How about any of these? Imperial Gargoyles Iron Sentinels Silent Sleepers The Arbiters Grey Talons Silver Sons Grail guard. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2815507 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkangilos Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Stone Spiders, Stone Wasps (swooping from the skies to sting), Stone Dogs, Brothers of the Stone Wall (though that sounds more defensive), Stone Destroyers, Stone Throwers (drop pods?), Stone Believers, Defenders of the Stone... Idk, but Stone sounds like it would fit best with their scheme. Or the Rustifiers :huh: Lol, Brothers of Oxidation ;) (Weakening the enemies metalic defense with the merging of the Drop Pods and enemy Armies, sort of like how metal rusts or something :P) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816074 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dominicus Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Knights of the Rock Stone Guardians Iron Brothers Stone Guard Emperor's Sentinels Imperial Sentinels Stone Lords Grey Lords Gray Knights (Get it, not Grey, Gray? Ok...) Iron Chosen Stone Legion Iron Talons Grey Hawks Iron Wolves Night Falcons Lords of Darkness (or Greyness...) Stone Crusaders Iron Crusaders Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816139 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Guys, it's a month-old thread. And I'm pretty sure he's already picked a name. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816157 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Guys, it's a month-old thread. And I'm pretty sure he's already picked a name. It's such an old thread I forgot it was mine and clicked on it to offer help :D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816244 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Now that's comedy. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816282 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Guys, it's a month-old thread. And I'm pretty sure he's already picked a name. It's such an old thread I forgot it was mine and clicked on it to offer help :P I laughed aloud when I read this. Great stuff. :huh: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816324 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PorridgeMeister Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 :huh: too funny! On a more serious note, how about Atomic Hounds? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816797 Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyronusSouria Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 How does Peregrine Knights sound to people? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/230889-________-being-really-remade/#findComment-2816965 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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