Yaj Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Complete Re-Write. ********************************************************************** 'How do I begin?..hmm, what did you say? speak up I can barely hear you...' I find the constant questions, the endless repetion of my tale to my quite tedious. I am an old man of 174yrs for his holy majesty sake! I mean they already had enough evidence to execute me several time over and yet the questions continue. Question - How did I open the corrupted warp-gate of Althoak VI and despite close monitoring by the Grey Knights? Answer - Skill, luck and the infernal technologies of xenos...I am a heretic!! execute me. Question - When did I begin cavorting with daemons and traitors? Answer - 154yrs! for Emperor's sake surely that is enough to had my head removed? Question - How was I able to corrupt an entire chapter to my cause? Answer - With remarkable ease, EXECUTE ME!!!!! So it continues day after day. I want to die, I need to die! But they won't..they simply won't let it happen. ------------------------------------------------------------- I'll add more tonight or tommorow - other stories permitting. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ufthak Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Hm, now, I've read the story twice and find it really difficult to find the right words to comment it. I'll just throw a few into the room, if you don't mind, ok? - short - good feeling - lots of typing mistakes - a bit unclear what is meant at times - good athmosphere - good layout - no beginning and no end (though that may have been intentional) I hope that helped! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2792665 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Thanks - no beginning and no end (though that may have been intentional) Yes it was and it's not finished. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2793262 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ufthak Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Ok, now I get it :devil: Will you continue? It's a promising start! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2793281 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 At some point. In the past I've tended to rush in and explain everything in the first few paragraphs and then struggle to take it any further. This time I'm going to take my time so it may be a while between new parts. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2798005 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 New version - complete re-write. So ignore all above posts... Er, except the first! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2819903 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 'Asen Seud?' I ask causing an armoured palm to slam down on my crushed shoulder causing me to whince in pain. 'Yes, tell me of him and how you corrupted his chapter' if I was still cable of moving them I would have rolled my eyes in frustration. I had relayed the same tale over and over how he thought it would be different each time was beyond me. 'I shall not bore you with the details again but suffice to say that they were deemed corrupted and I thought otherwise and stayed the execution' another strike this time across my now near numb face. 'Lies, lies!!' screams my interrogator covering me in spittle and the smell of his vinegary breath. Another round of punches follows before he continues. 'You used your warp magicks to twist a once noble chapter into betrayal and damnation!' I am begining to think my puritan interrogator has never heard of the term 'original idea' as this is the same accusation he has put forth now for however long I have been here. Of course I don't denie it on the contrary I support his false beliefs with prideful looks and twist my battered face into wicked grins. I want, as I have said preivously, to die although I don't intend to stay dead for long. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Don't worry if your wondering why this lacks Space Marines. For they or rather he will turn up soon. Comment's welcome. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/232036-milenas/#findComment-2821157 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.