Vexicus Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Hail Brothers, I started a story that i got inspired by when watching Star Trek of all things. I hope you all approve. C&C would be great and i look forwad to you thoughts. (Begining) Chapter 1 “Do you see it brother?” Bezrael asked Cadius. “Can you see the Heretic?” Cadius re-focused the sight of his sniper rifle, “yes I see it” Cadius replied. Just as Cadius steadied himself he felt his brother move beside him. “TAKE THE SHOT!” Bezrael screamed as he was dragged out from his cover by a Chaos space marine. The chaos marine lifting Bezrael up by his foot, hissing at him and showing his warped face to the scout. The silent whisper of a sniper rifle round fired and as Bezrael heard this he drew his combat blade and began to slash at the chaos marine, firstly getting the side of his horrific face and then his eyes. All of a sudden a second shot was fired but not the silence of a sniper rifle; this shot was much louder and was the hallowed sound of a bolter discharging. Bezrael dropped to the floor as the chaos marine went limp from the bolt pistol shot to the head. Cadius stood over Bezrael “next time make sure you listen too our six. We need too move from here brother if the dead heretic on their camp didn’t let them know we are here then the bolt pistol would have”. “I second that” Bezrael replied. The two scouts began to run back down the path from their vantage point certain that there would be a squad of chaos marines heading their way. “Sergeant Zores do you read? I repeat sergeant Zores come in.” Cadius asked over his Vox system. “This is battle Brother Kalosus initiate you sergeant has been killed and we are taking heavy fire. Report to our location ASAP you aid is required” the astartes ordered in reply. “Scouts Bezrael and Cadius inbound brother, ETA 6 minuets” Bezrael replied. The pair turned their jog into a full on sprint as if their lives depended on it. Thats as far as I got as it is 02:00 and I'm rather tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I would recommend a bit of editing. Fortunately, I can do that for you if you so wish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vexicus Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 I would recommend a bit of editing. Fortunately, I can do that for you if you so wish. Feel free. I will say grammer isn't one of my strong points but I'm sure that not what yuou had in mind lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanhausen Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I would recommend a bit of editing. Fortunately, I can do that for you if you so wish. Feel free. I will say grammer isn't one of my strong points but I'm sure that not what yuou had in mind lol. He didn't say for free.... :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 “Do you see it, brother?” Bezrael asked Cadius. “Can you see the Heretic?” Cadius re-focused the sight of his sniper rifle. “Yes, I see it,” Cadius replied. Just as Cadius steadied himself, he felt his brother move beside him. “TAKE THE SHOT!” Bezrael screamed as he was dragged out from his cover by a Chaos Space Marine. The Chaos Marine lifted Bezrael up by his foot, hissing at him and showing his warped face to the scout. The silent whisper of a sniper rifle round fired. As Bezrael heard this, he drew his combat blade and began to slash at the Chaos Marine, first striking the side of his horrific face, then his eyes. All of a sudden a second shot was fired, but not the silent shot of a sniper rifle; in fact, this shot was much louder: the hallowed sound of a bolter discharging. Bezrael dropped to the floor as the Chaos Marine went limp from the bolt pistol shot to the head. Cadius stood over Bezrael, “Next time make sure you listen to our six, brother. We need to move quickly. If the now-dead heretic in their camp didn’t let them know we are here, then the bolt pistol definitely has." “Agreed,” Bezrael replied. The two scouts began to stealthily run back down the path from their vantage point, certain that there would be a squad of chaos marines headed their way. “Sergeant Zores, do you read? I repeat, Sergeant Zores, come in,” Cadius called over his vox system. “This is Battle Brother Kalosus, initiate, your sergeant has been killed. We are taking heavy fire. Report to our location immediately, your aid is required,” the Astartes ordered in reply. “Scouts Bezrael and Cadius inbound, brother, ETA 6 minutes,” Bezrael replied. The pair sped up and began sprinting towards their brothers. There you go. I think I got all the punctuation and grammar, so next I'll have to make sure everything makes sense and fits. That'll be $650. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vexicus Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 That is much better. I have to admit one thing I'm not great at is grammer. I have to admit the re-write is awsome. What do you think of the opening of the story though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 One reason you might be bad at grammar is that you're spelling it wrong. ^_^ The story sounds good, though I might describe the fact that they're shooting a heretic in a camp a bit more. It sounded more like he was going to shoot the marine, then realized that the marine was right in front of them. Also, why are the scouts essential to the survival of multiple full marines? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vexicus Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 An update including the alterations that Chapter Master Ignis Domus made. Thank you again for that Brother. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From atop a cliff the 2 man scout party covered themselves in foliage in an attempt to hide them from easy view of the traitor marines below. Cadius began to scan the chaos encampment using the scope atop the sniper rifle they had been entrusted with. “Do you see it, brother?” Bezrael asked Cadius. “Can you see the Heretic?” Cadius re-focused the sight of his sniper rifle. “Yes, I see it,” Cadius replied. Just as Cadius steadied himself, he felt his brother move beside him. “TAKE THE SHOT!” Bezrael screamed as he was dragged out from his cover by a Chaos Space Marine. The Chaos Marine lifted Bezrael up by his foot, hissing at him and showing his warped face to the scout. The silent whisper of a sniper rifle round fired. As Bezrael heard this, he drew his combat blade and began to slash at the Chaos Marine, first striking the side of his horrific face, then his eyes. All of a sudden a second shot was fired, but not the silent shot of a sniper rifle; in fact, this shot was much louder: the hallowed sound of a bolter discharging. Bezrael dropped to the floor as the Chaos Marine went limp from the bolt pistol shot to the head. Cadius stood over Bezrael, “Next time make sure you listen to our six, brother. We need to move quickly. If the now-dead heretic in their camp didn’t let them know we are here, then the bolt pistol definitely has." “Agreed,” Bezrael replied. The two scouts began to stealthily run back down the path from their vantage point, certain that there would be a squad of chaos marines headed their way. “Sergeant Zores, do you read? I repeat, Sergeant Zores, come in,” Cadius called over his vox system. “This is Veteran Sergeant Kalosus, initiate; your sergeant has been killed. We are taking heavy fire. Report to our location immediately, your aid is required,” the Astartes ordered in reply. “Scouts Bezrael and Cadius inbound, brother, ETA 6 minutes,” Bezrael replied. The pair sped up and began sprinting towards their brothers. After moving through the rubble that was the village Cadius and Bezrael found the squad of tactical Astartes that had requested their assistance. “How best can we assist you brothers?” Bezrael asked. “Take up the vantage point on the upper floor of this ruin and fire at will initiates” Sergeant Kalosus ordered whist firing off his bolt pistol. “WE MUST HOLD THIS VILIAGE BROTHERS” The sergeant shouted. After what seemed like an eternity to the two scout the air was filled with the sound of screaming engines as a thunder hawk swooped down towards the firing line and laid down covering fire as 6 drop pods descended from the sky each hitting down with the fore of an explosion. Astartes pouring out of 5 and an honourable dreadnought leaving the sixth. The thunder hawk landed in a clearing behind the village whilst the fire fight carried on in front. A single shadow appeared from the access point, clad in bone coloured robes wielding a sword wrapped in powerful awe inspiring energy, Company Master Radzet charged from the shadows firing his storm bolter into the fray and once in range decapitating and heretic that came close to him. “MOVE ON BROTHERS” the company master ordered, “LET US BURN THESE HERITICS AND TRAITORS”. The two scouts carried out their duty as ordered by the Company Master firing their bolt pistols whilst moving forward, watching the cultists and traitors fall the might of the emperor and his astartes. After a blood filled 30 minutes the battle was all but over the Chaos side either in retreat or being gunned down by the astartes. “All brothers report to me at the command post once available” Radzet ordered over Vox. Once the drabs of the chaos forces had been finished off and the remainder of the Marines had reported in the Company Master began to reorganise the squads and assign them to where they could be best utilised. “Where are the initiates who eliminated the Chaos Lord from this holy planet?” Radzet enquired. “We are here my lord” the scouts replied, “how can be best server the chapter?” “You are to accompany me back the orbiting Hammer of Vengeance, I have been given approval of you squads final implantation. Once the implantation is complete you will join my 3rd company as part of tactical squad 5 under Sergeant Melvayn.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vazzy Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Nice dude good to see the Dark Angels scouts doing good. Ironically I just posted a Dark Angels story my self. Link:http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.php?showtopic=238765 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSavage Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Sounds really good so far, looking forward to more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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