CKO Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I have written a pretty good amount of fluff for my chapter and before I go any further I wanted you guys to give me some input of how I can make it better. The Dilemma The Segmentum Pacificus is considered peaceful when compared to other Segmentums, but there is one major problem. The Astronomican light is growing dimmer, and navigators find it hard, and sometimes painful to guide ships through the warp. As a result the region is receiving less aid from the Imperium, and pleads for help from worlds that are under attack go unanswered or answered to late. Heeding to the signs of the Emperor’s Tarot, the High Lords of Terra decided to save the region by sending a large amount of resources to protect the area. The High Lords believed that by sending an Imperial Fleet, several Imperial Guard Regiments, a large number of Adeptus Mechanicus Magos, and the Undaunted Predators Chapter the region would be able to protect itself without alot of assistance from the Imperium. Origins (Several Millenniums earlier) An increase in activity around the Eye of Terror was a cause of concern for the Imperium. Several Military Commanders and Tech Adepts studying the patterns of attacks believed that the Imperium should prepare itself for another Black Crusade. Astropaths and psykers were having visions of plagues and cities engulfed in flames. Already under great duress from Ork Waaghs and Eldar Raids it was clear that the Departmento Munitorum was unable to provide reinforcements to everyone that needed it. Faced with such adversity from all directions the High Lords of Terra approved of the 11th Founding. The Adeptus Mechanicus used Sanguinius geneseed, selected from the stock of the Blood Angels to create one of the new Chapters. Created to patrol the Segmentum Pacificus region, the Chapter selected Madera as its Home World. Madera was a Feral World located in the well established Oan Drove System. With excellent tutelage from the Blood Angels the young chapter was in full fighting condition in a short period of time and started to have successful campaigns in the Segmentum. According to Imperial records their luck changed when the entire Oan Drove System including the Undaunted Predators was considered destroyed during a Black Crusade! The initial attack of the Black Crusade created mayhem in the Imperium, as several Warp Storms appeared making communication almost impossible. The last message received from the Oan Drove system was a distress call asking for help stating that a large Chaos fleet was approaching. After surveying the situation the Imperium decided not to send any aid as tech-priest calculated that the chance of survival for the Oan Drove System against a fleet of that size was 1.4%. The Sector Governor of the Oan Drove system gave Chapter Master Cornelius complete control over the military. Cornelius assembled all of the military leaders of the system and started to prepare the defenses of the Oan Drove System. He vowed to destroy any opposition and protect the entire system, until contact with the Imperium could be re-established. The Undaunted Predators and Imperial Guard Regiments setup bases on all of the planets in the system, bracing themselves for the arrival of the Chaos fleet. The Chaos Fleet arrived and recklessly attacked the Oan Drove System, spliting up their forces to attack several planets at once. The Planetary defenses of each planet was stronger than the Chaos fleet had anticipated, and the situation became worse for the foul traitors when Cornelius lead the 1st company in boarding actions slowly destroying the chaos fleet one ship at a time. After several months of fighting the momentum was slowly shifting towards the Undaunted Predators side and the Chaos forces was on the verge of retreating when a warp storm appeared! When the Warp Storm appeared it sucked in the entire Chaos Fleet along with several other Imperial Ships including the Undaunted Predators 8th company. The daemons descended upon Madera the Chapter’s Home Planet, knowing that if they could destroy the Chapter’s Home World then they would be able to claim the system for their gods. The daemons clashed against the defenses of the Chapter Monastery. After several weeks of fighting the foul creatures were beaten back into the warp, and the battle for Madera was won, but it cost the Undaunted Predators their Chapter Monastery. The warp storm did not fade away and the forces of chaos watched carefully waiting for the perfect time to attack. The war was won but the Oan Drove system was in bad shape, the battle had either destroyed or depleted the majority of the systems resources. They needed help from the Imperium but with the warp storm nearby communication was impossible. With resources nearly depleted the standarded of living drop drastically for everyone, the system was a pale comparison to its former self. However, Le’on, a very young and talented librarian of the Undaunted Predators, became fixated on re-establishing communication with the Imperium. For centuries he hunted and feasted on the largest predators on Madera, which according to their beliefs gives you strength and after each feast he would attempt to establish communication with the Imperium. With each failed attempt he would torture himself for several minutes with the pain glove. Eventually he along with several other Astropaths in the system was able to create an extremely weak version of an Astronomican for .7 seconds. Despite not even being a spec when compared to the real Astronomican Imperial psykers noticed it and the Imperium immediately sent an Imperial Army to investigate. The warp storms made traveling to the Oan Drove System difficult, but Le’on was somehow able to aid in guiding the ship to the Oan Drove system. Recovering an isolated system located so close to a warp storm was a true miracle, but finding a Space Marine Chapter thought to be destroyed was seen as a blessing from the Emperor himself. Le’on’s communication abilities were unmatched and several members of the Adeptus Astra Astronomica visited him trying to learn how he was able to re-create an Astronomican, however he slip into an animated state a few months afterwards, many believe from over assertion. He is considered a Savior by the people of the Oan Drove System, and he was placed in a sarcophagi where the blood of Sanguinius that runs through his veins is constantly cleansed and purified. END (so far) Basically as the timeline progresses the chapter is asked to take on the role of protecting the outer edges of the pacificus system, because they have experience with long periods away from the imperium and the Oan Drove system is almost dead and their monastery is gone, so it will give the chapter a fresh start. The next part is about the Chapter Master seeking advice from Dante and also Le'on wakes up (my diy chapter version of Mephiston) his communication skills and Dante advice is the deciding factor in accepting the task. Thanks for reading and your comments. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/235356-the-undaunted-predators/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKO Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 Sad face, I think I am not getting any responses because my origin/history section is in story mode. I am a bit confused and need some comments but I did go back and edit it some what to make it easier to read. Hopefully I will get some feedback. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/235356-the-undaunted-predators/#findComment-2835696 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Rourke The Fanged Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 It does have more of a short story feel to it rather than an IA feel. It is good but I'd work on giving it a more IA feel. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/235356-the-undaunted-predators/#findComment-2835699 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkangilos Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 I only scimmed it right now, but fear not, once my mood changes I will go back and read it fully. A few statements though: I'm not entirely sure how the Black Crusade got to the Pacificus Segmentum... Maybe it would be better if it was not a part of the Black Crusade, but instead a differant chaos fleet. You could even make one up if you wanted. I mean, you could keep going with the Black Crusade aspect, but iirc, the only time a fleet got out of the Cadian Gate and surrounding areas was the Battle Fleet Gothic time frame, and that was still in the same Segmentum. Other than that, it seems good. Do you have any chapter traits or anything like that? usually, that is what most people like to see. Character... Good job so far though :D When I get back around, I will provide a more indebth CnC, and I am sure others will too. -Edit- Also, I think that so far it is just the FAR east that is suffering from His Most Glorious Light becoming dimmer. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/235356-the-undaunted-predators/#findComment-2835704 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKO Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 It does have more of a short story feel to it rather than an IA feel. It is good but I'd work on giving it a more IA feel. Will start working on that now, what part of the story do you feel can be left out or changed? I only scimmed it right now, but fear not, once my mood changes I will go back and read it fully. I am thankful for that much! A few statements though: I'm not entirely sure how the Black Crusade got to the Pacificus Segmentum... Maybe it would be better if it was not a part of the Black Crusade, but instead a differant chaos fleet. You could even make one up if you wanted. I mean, you could keep going with the Black Crusade aspect, but iirc, the only time a fleet got out of the Cadian Gate and surrounding areas was the Battle Fleet Gothic time frame, and that was still in the same Segmentum. I use this map , picture Madera close enough to the Eye of Terror where it is possible. I remember reading about the 7th Black Crusade where the chaos forces spread out and attacked several places at once and that is where I got the idea from. Other than that, it seems good. Do you have any chapter traits or anything like that? usually, that is what most people like to see. Character... I am working on those parts as they are so vital, I really want it to be creative. Good job so far though :D When I get back around, I will provide a more indebth CnC, and I am sure others will too. -Edit- Also, I think that so far it is just the FAR east that is suffering from His Most Glorious Light becoming dimmer. I have your word Astartes you will come back and give more input! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/235356-the-undaunted-predators/#findComment-2835710 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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