Capt. Taurus Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 This is my first story (part of it). Elements of it have been swirling around my head for a while the rest evolved while I was writing. As always C&C welcome. So here it is, the story of Xeron and Hartan (well, the beginning of their story) Battle Brother Xeron withdrew his head into cover avoiding the enemy’s unrelenting fire. He had seen enough. As short a glimpse as it was, it sufficed for his enhanced cognitive abilities to quickly process and assess the tactical situation. He turned to the armoured figure to his right, „Three rebel soldiers, two of them operating a heavy bolter, another covering with a lasrifle during reload“. His mirror image cocked his head, equal in appearance, with the exception of a bionic eye where once a slanted eye lens was. „So what course of action do you propose brother Xeron“? Xeron sat down, „I say we wait“. Battle brother Hartan’s bionic eye seemed to flash with annoyance, „Wait!?! For what?, The Emperor beloved by all to grant these turncoats his forgiveness?, we are Doom Eagles, rapid assault is our way of war, I say we rush these whoresons“! Xeron grinned beneath his helmet, his amusement clearly conveyed by his armour’s speaker grill. „Well well son of Ferrus Manus, ever since the loss of your leg you take after the iron handed warriors, in your lack of patience and tactical finesse, as well as your mechanical augmentation.“ His words a routine exchange of verbal jibes with his long friend and gene-brother, battle brother and special weapons expert Hartan, whose injuries had necessitated bionic augmentation earning him the nickname „Son of Ferrus Manus“, for his semblance to the 10th Legion’s Iron handed warriors. He was a Son of Ferrus Manus in Jest only, his stern and stoic demeanour clearly identifying him as a faithful gene-child of the great Guilliman. Hartan snorted, „Then enlighten me, son of Guilliman, what tactical approach does your tactical brilliance recommend”? Xeron briefly consulted his armour’s internal chrono, „Rushing them would be acceptable to me but we are to regain as many defensive positions intact as possible, an assault is likely to damage this gun nest, the imperial guard regiments following us will have to use them to fortify their positions in the traitor’s stead, so I say we wait”. „You already said that but what are we waiting for”? As Hartan’s impatience seemed to be getting the better of him, Xeron turned to his chapter brother, „Suffice it to say, I have used my armour’s homing beacon to guide in some heavy support”. Hartan stared at him aghast at what he heard. „You wouldn’t dare”! The Words had barely left Hartan’s throat as the rumbling noise of tracks grew louder, the ground began to shake beneath their feet, looking up Hartan saw the Predator’s Auto Cannon Barrel moving over the edge of the crater they used as cover. Xeron nodded to Hartan chuckling, „Run, Son of Ferrus“ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ „I always knew being your friend would get me into trouble sooner or later“. Xeron regarded Hartan sideways without turning his head as they walked the length of the Strike Cruiser’s walkway side by side. He looked forward again and asked, „How so”? Hartan opened his mouth but hesitated, he sighed, „Your hot headed and aggressive tactics, not to mention the sheer unorthodoxy—“ „Innovation some would call it“. Xeron interrupted. „Be that as it may, the captains may look upon your ways with admiration and sympathy, the chapter master certainly doesn’t. And here we are. Being summoned by captain Constantius just as our liege-lord comes to inspect our companies in this campaign”. “Whom do you think I have to thank for this Xeron”!?! Xeron tried not to smile but failed despite himself. „Centre your humours son of Ferrus, we don’t know why the Captain has summoned us, we may yet come out of this unscathed“. Hartan grunted in displeasure, “Your misuse of our armours’ localiser beacons may avail us any kind of censure, fasting, frustrating tasks, exile even”! During the Doom Eagles’ 1st company’s fight to regain the capitol city of Angarra IX, Xeron and Hartan had been cut off from their squad but remained in Vox contact with the rest of the company, Captain Hormozgân had ordered them to remain where they were and defend their position, a rebel gun nest pinning them down in a massive crater left by an imperial guard bombard shell provided them with a target. Xeron wanted to gain the gun nest undamaged and decided single handed, to guide a Predator Destructor to his position via his armour’s localiser beacon, a bold tactic that could have gotten them both killed, a tactic that nonetheless had worked and drove the rebels manning the gun nest from their position in panic. Xeron and Hartan had run from their cover barely escaping the Predator’s unrelenting advance and engaged their Jump packs, reaching the fleeing rebels instantly and cut them down remorselessly. “The Codex Astartes speaks of tank shock tactics as a viable approach to drive enemy fighters out of cover”. Hartan shook his head in amused disapproval, “Nowhere does our gene-sire mention the tactic of unleashing a Predator tank upon one’s own hide”. They passed the final junction before the autolift leading to the bridge. “Activate the cogitator coils” Hartan demanded. “Bridge- Strategium” Xeron exclaimed as the cogitator scanned them for their identity. The autolift started automatically as they entered it with the electric noise of magnetic fields engaging. The doors opened revealing the noise and sounds of the bridge and its crew toiling just beneath the strategium, which they now entered. The strategium was a broad walkway suspended high above the bridge. A large holotable was in its middle with cogitator-machines grouped around it in some distance. At the holotable stood several figures, the hulking shapes of the Chapter Master, Captain Constantius, Chaplain Abestag and battle-brother Kantion. Two serfs carrying the chapter master’s helmet and sword stood near him unmoving and unflinching. “Go ahead” Hartan said with his ever sour expression. The Captain smiled as he saw the two Astartes approaching. “Greetings brothers, may the Emperor smile upon you” “And you brother captain” Hartan bowed before the chapter master with Xeron following suit. Their liege-lord gave them a brief nod and turned to captain Constantius with a meaningful look. The Captain needed no further encouragement, addressing the two marines while standing behind the chapter master, “Brother Hartan and brother Xeron, it has come to our liege-lord’s attention that you two are exemplary Astartes who have a tendency to employ tactics and ways of war that are... let us say, not commonplace approaches”. Hartan tensed visibly. “Our liege-lord has therefore ordered that you two be put to best use where your propensity for novelty will serve the chapter best, I have a special task for you”. The Captain stepped closer, now standing next to the chapter master. “We have an opportunity to obtain special and rare equipment from a rare source, our fellow Astartes of the Sons of Medusa chapter are on a patrol mission four days of warp travel from here, you two are to be our chapter’s emissaries to the Sons of Medusa and negotiate a trade of goods”. The Chapter Master came forward now and stopped to stand directly before Xeron and Hartan. With his hoarse voice that reminded Xeron of stones grating on iron he addressed them immediately for the first time since they had come under his eyes, “You will be given a list of goods to be obtained from the Sons of Medusa, amongst which will be venerable power armour of older patterns including the equipment and plans to manufacture spare parts and crucial elements independently, several fully restored Contemptor pattern Dreadnoughts including the equipment and plans to manufacture spare parts and crucial elements independently, a full production line for special whirlwind artillery rockets and adaptable bolter ammunition and a plasma-coil building devise... the exact name for which escapes me...” the chapter master looked to Captain Constantius for help, Constantius consulted his data-sheet searching, “uh...ehrr .. A blessed Plasma-Laminatorior, so our Master of the Forge calls it, a very rare machine indeed”. “Very well then”, the Chapter Master turned to Xeron and Hartan once more, he seemed to tense slightly before he spoke again and looked them straight into the eye as if to get the measure of them, “And one particular item which you will be informed about very soon and which you must prioritise under any circumstances”. The Captain came forward to stand beside the Chapter Master again, “We’ve had astropathic contact with the Battle-Barge “Will of Ferrus Manus”, they are awaiting you, a frigate has been made ready for you and four squads of the 3rd Company for you to assume command of, two squads for each of you. Instruct the squad Sergeants according to your orders. Chaplain Abestag here, the Master of the Forge, brother Techmarine Kallex, brother Techmarine Hunandz and four of their apprentices will accompany you, to assure the quality and correctness of the delivery". Xeron frowned, “May I ask, why it is of Captain Constantius’ company that we command warriors”? “Do you have any objections to that choice”? The Chapter Master appeared mildly surprised, “No”! Hartan and Xeron exclaimed in unison, Captain Constantius smiled, clearly amused by their discomfort. The chapter master turned to the Captain now smiling too before he addressed Xeron and Hartan again, “You will assume command of squads Gerontius, Bellean, Manox and Skytherion, as veterans of the 1st company and heroes of the Doom Eagles chapter you are viable to take command of file and rank squads, this should be clear to you, as to why the 3rd company is awarded the honour of your leadership... all other companies present are still engaged in the consolidating efforts of this campaign, the rebels are beaten but we must assure final victory, this requires the full attention of captain Hormozgân and 1st company who can dispense with two fine warriors as you in this final work”. The Chapter Master now turned to Hartan, “Is this the man his brothers call ‘Son of Ferrus Manus’ ”? “Yes my liege” Captain Constantius replied, “by Virtue of his leg’s bionic reconstruction and his brother’s wittiness”, the Captain explained waving a hand towards Xeron. The Chapter Master nodded, “He shall be a proper emissary of our chapter to the true Sons of Ferrus Manus, now off with you and do not bring dishonour on our Chapter’s name”. “Death before dishonour” Xeron and Hartan shouted while making the sign of the Aquila over their chests. A chapter serf gave them encoded data slates and they turned on their heels and made for the autolift that they had left moments ago. They spoke no word during the autolift’s racing flight through the strike cruiser’s internal structures. They stepped out on the walkway on which they had entered the autolift in the first place and went for the lower level embarkation deck, just as their orders outlined. “Is this the man his brothers call ‘Son of Ferrus Manus’ ”? Hartan said in a perfect rendition of the chapter master’s rough voice. Xeron rounded on him, hushing him with a furious motion of his arm, “Be silent you doleful whoreson, one doesn’t mock the Chapter Master”!! Hartan cracked a defiant grin, enjoying this rare swapping of roles between him and Xeron, “What is it; do you fear our liege lord can hear through several decks of ceramite and adamantium bulkheads”? “It would sometimes appear so my brothers”, a voice from the dark called, Xeron started in surprise as Hartan turned with the speed of a Banshee to meet the threat and calmed immediately as he saw the shape splitting from the shadows of the walkway. “Brother Librarian — we just...“ Librarian Sourena silenced Xeron with a dismissive motion of his hand, “You need not worry brothers, I have committed my share of petty insubordination and it is as I have come to understand a... necessary function for men to find their rightful place in a strict hierarchy such as our Astartes chapter is. Besides I can see through our iron skinned brother Hartan as a fish may look through the currents, his impudence is aimed at goading you Xeron and raising your ire, successfully it would seem”, ...I am merely here to inform you that I will accompany you on your mission to the iron handed Astartes”. “Our orders say no such thing”, Hartan noticed as he searched through his data slate. “Not that you would know, of course. Our liege lord has certainly hinted to a sensitive item of this mission, one which you will be informed about shortly and are to... how did he put it?...’prioritise under any circumstances’, if I am not mistaken”. Xeron exchanged a knowing look with Hartan and turned to Librarian Sourena, “Would it be bold to assume that you carry this information in your gifted mind Brother Librarian”? The Psyker smiled friendly but would not respond to Xeron’s question. “Let us go, your valiant men are waiting on the lower launch deck for their veteran Heroes from the 1st company to lead them, do you intend to keep them waiting”? “By the blood of Guilliman, no”. Hartan replied and turned on his heel, walking ahead of Xeron and the Librarian who smiled, “I had guessed as much”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Well, a few tips to help you out... 1) Spacing! Blood of martyrs, three large chunks of text (especially bolded text) are not appetizing to read. Dialogue lines should have their own mini-paragraph. 2) Adding pauses in the form of commas is priceless, simply because it allows the reader to get a better feel for the story. A comma after a complete thought and before a conjunction word is the standard, I think, and while you almost always do this there were a couple instances when you failed to do so. 3) Having a story evolve as you make it is fine. However, you should always go back and edit, not just grammar wise, but whether or not something should really go in the story. Keep writing :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Taurus Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Well, a few tips to help you out... 1) Spacing! Blood of martyrs, three large chunks of text (especially bolded text) are not appetizing to read. Dialogue lines should have their own mini-paragraph. Did it, I used B&C editing tools anyway, so I went and changed it, it appeared unreadable to myself too. But thank you for going through it anyway. 2) Adding pauses in the form of commas is priceless, simply because it allows the reader to get a better feel for the story. A comma after a complete thought and before a conjunction word is the standard, I think, and while you almost always do this there were a couple instances when you failed to do so. Could you name an example, just so I can compare it to other paragraphs and see what can be done differently 3) Having a story evolve as you make it is fine. However, you should always go back and edit, not just grammar wise, but whether or not something should really go in the story. You mean an element of the plot itself? I tried to keep it as compact as possible. Maybe a little hint ;) so I can mend my ways. Keep writing :tu: Glad to hear it does meet with general approval, but you cannot let me down now, you have to give me something to work with, or else I go into a corner of my room and start crying and yes I will tell Mom! Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Well, a few tips to help you out... 1) Spacing! Blood of martyrs, three large chunks of text (especially bolded text) are not appetizing to read. Dialogue lines should have their own mini-paragraph. Did it, I used B&C editing tools anyway, so I went and changed it, it appeared unreadable to myself too. But thank you for going through it anyway. You should probably break up the paragraphs themselves. 2) Adding pauses in the form of commas is priceless, simply because it allows the reader to get a better feel for the story. A comma after a complete thought and before a conjunction word is the standard, I think, and while you almost always do this there were a couple instances when you failed to do so. Could you name an example, just so I can compare it to other paragraphs and see what can be done differently The first sentence - Brother Xeron withdrew his head into cover, avoiding the enemy's unrelenting fire. 3) Having a story evolve as you make it is fine. However, you should always go back and edit, not just grammar wise, but whether or not something should really go in the story. You mean an element of the plot itself? I tried to keep it as compact as possible. Maybe a little hint :lol: so I can mend my ways. Nothing in particular (yet) just a general tip. It's like drawing, the number one tool you end up using is the eraser. Always go back. Always make sure your story makes sense - I've failed to do this before and interest quickly dropped. Keep writing :lol: Glad to hear it does meet with general approval, but you cannot let me down now, you have to give me something to work with, or else I go into a corner of my room and start crying and yes I will tell Mom! Cheers Who is this mom you speak of? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Taurus Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 You should probably break up the paragraphs themselves. Done The first sentence - Brother Xeron withdrew his head into cover, avoiding the enemy's unrelenting fire. Ah, I see. Nothing in particular (yet) just a general tip. It's like drawing, the number one tool you end up using is the eraser. Always go back. Always make sure your story makes sense - I've failed to do this before and interest quickly dropped. That's true, this is an already altered text from what I started with, of course for a beginner like me there is always room for improvement. Who is this mom you speak of? ;) The Mom that is on patrol duty, I don't know one of the other Mods perhaps. I would have gone snitchig like this, Mom Moo Mo.. Mod, your colleague Dark Apostle Thirst, refuses to specify items of his conctructive crticism, discipline him!! Somewhat like that ;) cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Nothing in particular (yet) just a general tip. It's like drawing, the number one tool you end up using is the eraser. Always go back. Always make sure your story makes sense - I've failed to do this before and interest quickly dropped. That's true, this is an already altered text from what I started with, of course for a beginner like me there is always room for improvement. Murder your darlings. If you absolutely, definitely have to write that the main character, for example, performed the most heroic and brave act in the history of the Imperium, surpassing even those of the Emperor, write it out. Then, delete it. Anything that will break the feel of the story should be allowed to exist briefly, simply so you can see how wrong it is. A good story, I hope you keep writing in these hallowed halls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Taurus Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 ++++ Verification required ++++ +++ code verificiation confirmed +++ +++ retinal verification confirmed +++ +++ genetic verification confirmed +++ ++++ Welcome Lord-Inquisitor Ertor ++++ Thought of the day: The Emperor knows your name, praise his in return My liege, Inquisitor Ertor, your assigment to investigate the successor Astartes brotherhoods of the Ultramarine Legion has led me to the fearsome warriors of the Doom-Eagles Chapter. After returning from the Homeworld of the Genesis Chapter [Newfound], I suffered quite a cultural shock. The Genesis Chapter as I have outlined in my previous report [Report Beta-X2460] are a chapter that dogmatically follows the Codex-Astartes to the letter of the word. Were it not for its colours and chapter insignia one would easily confuse the Genesis chapter with their mother legion. The Doom-Eagles though forged from the gene-seed of Roboute Guilliman are a deviant chapter in many ways. Although their organisation, ranking system and insignia are modelled on the Codex Astartes rules, the adherence to convention ends after short observation. Contrary to the laws of Guilliman the Doom Eagles are a highly specialised chapter. Although they regularly train tactical battle brothers to fulfill the general cambat roles, each and every Astartes of this chapter must master the standard Jump-Packs of the Space Marines' Armorium. This piece of equipment epitomises the very character of this assault oriented chapter, the jump pack. In this lies their sin of specialisation. Above everything this chapter pursues the way of the Assault-Marine. The Doom-Eagles have become experts in airborne engagements, rapid assaults and boarding actions. The chapter maintains a Codex adherent number of assault squads, but each and every tactical, veteran and devastor Space Marine can be assigned to the assault role to bolster the number of Jump-Pack equipped battle brothers. The Vanguard squads of the 1st Company are held in most high regard and every Marine aspires to reach their standards. These Warriors are found in the most dangerous arenas and engagments often fighting from precarious positions. One would assume that this doctrine results in high casualties, yet attrition is very low and the list of victories in such battles is long. This of course is a consequence of extensive training and a long service time before a Doom-Eagle is inducted into the chapters Vanguard units. Chapter-Master Hearon is an impressive Warrior even amongst Commanders of the Space Marines and he honoured me by inviting me to dine with him and his officers. There is much to say about this chapter's doctrines and cultural traits, but most perturbatory is this chapter's sullen and pessimistic outlook on life witihin the Imperium of mankind. They appear to be in a mental state that renders them unrationally sinister and spurs them to embrace death. This seems to stem from their doctrine to only accept aspirants that not only fulfill the physical requirements for the implantation of gene-seed but who have also suffered great loss in their lives and have come to understand that their lives are doomed from the very beginning. When an aspirant masters all tests but is found to have no acceptance for the inevitability of Damnation, he is rejected. Only aspirants who satisfy all physical requirements and share the chapters belief in detachment from life are elevated to the status as Astartes. Luckily for the Doom-Eagles the life on Gathis II and its surrounding systems give birth to many such abject lives that are then forged anew in the blood of Guilliman's genetic blessings. It is also a common practice of the Doom-Eagles to draw young male children as suitable recruits from the war torn sectors and systems they fight in. The Magos Biologis of the Adeptus Mechanicus whose duty is to screen their gene-seed for deviancy, reported their gene-seed to be absolutely pure and free from corruption which makes this chapter's melancholic character all the more worrisome. None of all this seems to trouble the chapter itself or its leadership nor do they worry what outsiders may think of their chapter and its doctrines. They relish each chance to carry the fight to the enemies of the Imperium and aid beleaguered worlds without hesitation. On several occasions the Doom-Eagles have fought alongside the Ultramarines and earned their respect and praise. The Lord of Macragge seems to have accepted his Kinsmens' preference for assault and boarding attacks, as he utilised this expertise when he deployed the Doom-Eagles as a sort of battering-ram during the fight against the Chaos-Fleet of the Mordenenum-System [Report AB-Alpha-E683]. Like many chapters of the Space Marines they share the heresy not to revere the Emperor as the God that he is. They praise the Emperor's name but speak of him as the supreme human warrior and first amongst the Primarchs which he fathered. Yet I cannot accuse them of blasphemy as their loyalty is beyond doubt and their record of service in his divine name is as long as that of many other loyal chapters including such highly praised chapters as the Blood Angels or the Ultramarines. I remain your humble servant Inquisitor Gernodt Jomin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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