Dark Apostle Thirst Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I made this bit of lfuff for a custom unit down in the Homegrown rules forum. Tell me what you guys think. ---------- Lord Vaskar stormed into the orbital station's large command room. Instantly, every voice became silent, and every eye turned to Vaskar. Every eye, that is, except for the eyes of the Master Alhre, who instead looked down. "Whose failure is this?" snarled Lord Vaskar, although none in the room doubted where the blame would lie. "Who failed to protect the fortress below?" Silence reigned again, for a moment. Then Ahre finally looked up, and cleared his throat. Before he had a chance to speak, however, the astartes between him and Lord Vaskar instantly parted. They knew better than to get in the way. Ahre cleared his throat again, as Vaskar began to slowly, angrily walk towards him. Vaskar's armour, blessed as it was by Khorne, slowly began to weep blood as it's wearer's rage grew. "The fortress was under my command, my lord. When it became clear that the tyranids would overun it, I came here, so that I may honour Khorne for a longer time." Vaskar clenched his teeth, their filed points somehow remaining intact, though the pressure would have crushed metal. After a moment, he reached Ahre. For a moment, Vaskar's wrath merely blazed as his face came even closer to Ahre's trembling features. That moment did not last long. Vaskar headbutted Ahre to the ground, then hoisted him in the air by his neck. Though augmented with power armour, Ahre's desperate kicks had no effect on his lord. Vaskar threw the struggling marine into a nearby drop pod, specially modified for Lord Vaskar himself. In a second, the door was sealed, and frantic beating could be heard. Vaskar then turned again, to the rest of his staff in the command center. "You'll be honouring Khorne too if you don't do exactly as I say" growled Vaskar, and instantly every marine knelt. Pleased by their obedience, the Lord of Chaos commanded them to rise. "Abbaddon wants this fortress to hold. Ornath, you are in command of this station, and the situation on the ground, effective immediately. The stronghold still stands, and if you don't ensure it stays that way with the forces I've given you, you'll be sacrificed next." Onrath nodded. Vaskar glared at him for a moment, just to remind him of the power Vaskar weilded. Slowly, the beating from the drop pod ceased. With tthe moment over, Vaskar turned back to the drop pod. Sensing its master's intent, a hatch opened again and Vaskar stepped in. Ahre did not come out before the hatch was closed, and the pod was launched. ... Ahre looked up. Curiously, the g-forces did not seem to be affecting the drop pod. Shakily, he rose to his feet. Vaskar spat on him. "You are a pathetic excuse for an astartes. Even a loyalist would show more pride than your weak, human fear." "My lord," Ahre began, "you know I have served you well in the past. You know I have brought much glory to Khorne." "Yes, and you have failed now" the Chaos lord venomously replied. He turned to a screen, which had been installed in the side of the pod. Ahre began to speak again, but Vaskar waved him away, his attention focused on the myriad of information displayed on the screen. Ahre unhooked his helmet from his belt, and put it on. He knew he was going to fight, and perhaps if he lived, he might earn his master's favor back. After a minute of falling to the surface, Vaskar looked up, and then walked to the center of the drop pod. Curious, Ahre walked in front of him - only to be kicked square in the chest through a suddenly open hatch. Vaskar grinned as the atmosphere pulled at him before the hatch resealed itself. Then, he began to speak, and his words reflected in the Warp, in the realm of Khorne. "Praise to the Blood God" he began, and opened up his vox to Ahre's channel. He wanted to hear the pitiful fool begging for mercy. He did not have to wait long. "My lord, please, I will kill many when I land, please my lord!" "Praise to the champion of skulls, and glory through His children" "Master! I can still serve! I will serve you!" "Blood be shed, and bones be split. May nothing be hidden" "Please! I give my soul to you!" "Come to this unworthy flesh, and hear the cowards call" "My lord, I will die countless times in your stead, if only I am allowed to fall!" "Come for glory here, come for the slaughter. Come for the violence untold, this I freely barter" "You must have let me live!" "Come to honour Him, come to show His wrath" "My lord, I beg your mercy! Please, my lord, let me die!" "Come and take skulls for His throne. Come and spill..." and here Vaskar paused, grinning. Ahre, too, had fallen silent. Then he began to speak again. "Thank you my lord, you are worthy, I will di-" "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" A few short metres above the ground, Ahre exploded in a crack of gore, and a Bloodthirster came to serve Lord Vaskar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Uhm... I like the story, but the Astartes, Ahre, seems too human. He is downright scared. I really thought he was going to wet himself, which breaks my belief in the story :) Maybe you could make him more rebellious and defying instead of fearful and whimpering? Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Ok, I've been pondering this for the past four days, and I've got no answer yet. However, I did want to say I did see your comment and am trying to think of how it should be rewritten - you have a valid point, especially since it breaks suspension of disbelief. Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Ok, I've been pondering this for the past four days, and I've got no answer yet. However, I did want to say I did see your comment and am trying to think of how it should be rewritten - you have a valid point, especially since it breaks suspension of disbelief. Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated :) You're welcome B) Looking forward to the update ;) Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiro_Protagonist Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I liked the story, but you're right about the suspension of disbelief. For me I wondered why a Bloodthirster would accept a coward as his vessel? I have an idea if it's not too presumptuous, and if it is just tell me to bugger off :) What if you wrote it from a different angle? Here's what I thought... -Ahre on the planet, has been fighting for days after his failure -attempting to regain Khorne's favour -as yet more enemy are closing in he hears the sound of drop pods and looks up -wonders if he has regained favour -is answered (with a yes) by the eruption of a Bloodthirster come to join the fray It allows the character to remain rebellious yet penitent, he still dies at the end, and the rest of the army still gets a Bloodthirster. As I said though, I liked the original and if my comments are presumptuous I apologize in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Presumptous? No, not at all. In fact... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Alright, this borrows a few lines from the original but for the most part it has been rewritten. ---------- Lord Vaskar stormed into the control center of the orbital station. Numerous astartes were waiting for him, almost all of them bearing some degree of damage on their armour. The marine with the most signs of battle was being avoided by his comrades, and those closest to him quickly moved away at Vaskar's arrival. The rest of the marines looked up at the movement, and when they saw it's source they instantly became silent. "Whose failure is this?" snarled Lord Vaskar, though it was doubtless he knew as well as they did. "The blame is mine," the pariah declared hoarsely, "and as Master Ahre, I accept whatever punishment Khorne deems fit willingly." The lord of Khorne began to stalk towards Ahre, his blessed armour weeping blood, fueled by it's master's anger. For Ahre, it seemed so very long until Vaskar reached him. There was nothing but anger in his master's eyes. "You dare," growled Lord Vaskar, "to think that you will be merely punished?" Fear, pathetic and human, blossomed quickly in Ahre's gut before it was quickly crushed. The lord must have seen it in his eyes, because he began to grin. "Yes, I do dare," Ahre angrily retorted, "I came only so that I-" A head-butt from Lord Vaskar silenced the servant. Hoisting the marine in the air by his neck, the Khornate lord roared his pure displeasure. As one, every being in the room dropped to their knees, lest they too earn Vaskar's attention. Ahre was thrown into a specially modified drop pod. The many servants remained on their knees, until finally, their master spoke. "Rise," he commanded, his voice almost calm, "unless you wish to join him." Hastily, they all rose to their feet. Vaskar pointed to one that was undamaged. "You are in command of this station and the fortress now. Abbaddon wants this fortress to hold. Fail me, and I'll hand your remains over to the Warmaster myself." The indicated marine nodded, but by then the Blood God's butcher had already turned to his drop-pod. Sensing its master's intent, a hatch opened again and Vaskar stepped in. Ahre did not come out before the hatch was closed, and the pod was launched. ---------- They were away, Ahre could tell that much, despite the fact the g-forces seemed not to be affecting the vessel. The daemonic pod had always been eager to leave for battle. "You are worthless and incompetent," growled Lord Vaskar, "and your defiance of your fate will soon end." "I will earn His favor back" Ahre promised, his voice containing a hint of threat. He was simply waved away as Vaskar studied the information running down the screen that had been installed in the drop pod. After a moment, the Khorne lord stepped into the middle of the pod. Curious, Ahre walked in front of him - only to be kicked square in the chest through a suddenly open hatch. Vaskar grinned as the atmosphere pulled at him before the hatch resealed itself. Then, he began to speak, and his words reflected in the Warp, in the realm of Khorne. "Praise to the Blood God" he began, and opened his vox to Ahre's channel. Let's see how long his self-delusion lasts, Lord Vaskar thought with dark humour. "No! This will not be my fate!" Even the wind interference could not hide the outrage in the condemned's voice. In response, the executioner appeared to feel no emotion at all. "Praise to the champion of skulls, and glory through His children" "I have served well, and I will continue to do so!" "Blood be shed, and bones be split. May nothing be hidden" "Not even this death will keep me from earning Khorne's favor back!" "Come find this foolish flesh, and silence desperation's call" "I can still slay many, my lord!" "Come for glory here, come for the slaughter. Come for the violence untold, this I freely barter" "I am the blessed of Khorne! I have proven my worth countless times!" "Come to honour Him, come to show His wrath" "The Hive Mind itself will follow Khorne before I allow this!" Did he detect desperation? "Come and take skulls for His throne. Come and spill..." and here Vaskar paused, grinning. Ahre, too, had fallen silent. Now he showed proper respect, if only because he didn't dare provoke his master's wrath again. Still so deluded. "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" A few short metres above the ground, Ahre exploded in a crack of gore, and a Bloodthirster came to serve Lord Vaskar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiro_Protagonist Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Very nice! :woot: The change from cowardly/pleading to deluded/defiant really solidifed the story. I can picture the over-proud warrior railing against his Lord right up to the end. Definitely a better feel than the first draft. Job well done! Thanks for sharing with the rest of us. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Thanks, I'm glad I got it right this time :teehee: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I like it a lot :P The only nit-picking I have is that you say "Khornate lord" and not "Khorne lord", as he serves Khorne, he is not Khorne ;) And then there's the obvious joke with "Khorne flakes" :( Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxjace Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 chaos vs nids? THATS A FREAKEN STORY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I like it a lot :P The only nit-picking I have is that you say "Khornate lord" and not "Khorne lord", as he serves Khorne, he is not Khorne ;) And then there's the obvious joke with "Khorne flakes" ;) Ludovic It sounded strange in my head as I wrote it, I just couldn't figure out why. Thanks, I'll go back and edit that ;) chaos vs nids? THATS A FREAKEN STORY! Ah, so you like? :P It was inspired by a picture I saw here on the BnC, with a bloodthirster whip-choking a carnifex... :) Hmmmmmm. I might be able to continue the story of Lord Vaskar, but it'll be after I finish Birth (which is about halfway done). What do you guys think? Should I switch off between the two storylines? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 By the way, I just remembered something. It would read better if you added some description about what Ahre's tone of voice is. Just a suggestion thouugh, take it as you wish :P Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 By the way, I just remembered something. It would read better if you added some description about what Ahre's tone of voice is. Just a suggestion thouugh, take it as you wish ;) Ludovic What, you mean more of this? "Yes, I do dare," Ahre angrily retorted, "I came only so that I-" I can do that... O(riginal) "The blame is mine," spoke the worn pariah, "and as Master Ahre, I accept whatever punishment Khorne deems fit willingly." N(ew) "The blame is mine," the pariah declared hoarsely, "and as Master Ahre, I accept wahtever punishment Khorne deems fit willingly." O "Rise," he said, "unless you wish to join him." N "Rise," he commanded, his voice almost calm, "unless you wish to join him." O "I will earn His favor back" promised Ahre to his brooding lord. N "I will earn His favor back" Ahre promised, his voice containing a hint of threat. O "No! This will not be my fate!" N "No! This will not be my fate!" Even the wind interference could not hide the outrage in the condemned's voice. O "Praise to the champion of skulls, and glory through His children" N In response, the executioner appeared to feel no emotion at all. "Praise to the champion of skulls, and glory through His children" Only the Warp could hear his laughter echoing. O "I can still slay many, my lord!" N "The Hive Mind itself will follow Khorne before I allow this!" Did he detect desperation? I'm a little iffy on the last one, thoughts? Also, should I continue the storyline, and add a hook onto the end of this one? This thread has almost as much views as Birth :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 The second version is way better. I Almost felt sorry for the dude in the first version. I can't imagine an Astartes , not even a Traitor to be a whimpering :mellow: like that.. Major improvement! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 The second version is way better. I Almost felt sorry for the dude in the first version. I can't imagine an Astartes , not even a Traitor to be a whimpering :cuss like that.. Major improvement! Thanks, I appreciate the encouragement. I'd also appreciate a consensus on whether or not Vaskar should get a continuation! :( ;) I'm tired of writing the conversation scenes in Birth. I want to actually write some action, which there won't be a lot of in Birth. Vaskar, on the other hand, is itching to squash some tyranid skulls... :lol: However, I am a marketer when it comes to my creations. If it doesn't sell, I probably won't make it. So if you guys want it, speak up - I'll be happy to provide. If not, my self-aggrandising fluff version of myself will get all the action later on, for my outlet. Either way, it's your guys's choice - and I want to hear what that is ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I would be happy to read some more about Vaskar :) Ludovic Edit: And yes, the 2nd version is way better! -_- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelOfDeathXIII Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I would be quite interested in hearing some more as well. Perhaps you can use the whimpering and pleading and such for a cultist :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 I would be happy to read some more about Vaskar ;) Ludovic Edit: And yes, the 2nd version is way better! ;) Good, 1 vote, and I edited in the tonal revisions. Thanks for the advice :D I would be quite interested in hearing some more as well. Perhaps you can use the whimpering and pleading and such for a cultist :) That's 2 votes, I think if I vote for it as well that makes a majority :D Hmmm, those lines for a cultist? Hmmmmmmm... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thanks for the advice ;) Anytime mate :D Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiro_Protagonist Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Go with the action! I want to see what you do with that Blood Thirster! :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueWaterDragon Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Dark Apostle Thirst: I like it, nice to see the progress being made. It would be nice to see Vaskar again, he sounds like my kind of Chaos Marine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Dark Apostle Thirst: I like it, nice to see the progress being made. It would be nice to see Vaskar again, he sounds like my kind of Chaos Marine Thanks, as I'm almost done with Birth you guys will get to see what happens when Vaskar lands fairly soon ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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