Sons of the Lion

[Vazzy]

Hail Brothers,

I wrote this piece for my Creative writing class and am presenting it tomorrow. Be aware the class knows nothing of 40k so somethings will seem simplified. Comments and Criticism please. Also, if you cant tolerate a huge block of letters, PM and I will email it to you.

 

 

Prologue

Imperis Arx

50 miles outside Argen

 

The rattle of grinding gears and treads shattered the peaceful night as four boxy Chimera transports trundled along the barely paved road. Inside the lead Chimera APC Sergeant Erik Tauno sat with his command squad. He wiped at his pale hair and scratched at the stubble that ringed his gaunt, wrinkled face. He’d been part of the military for over twenty five years and this was his last tour of duty. Tauno looked forward to retirement and a handsome pension on some backwater planet. His unit was being sent to investigate the reason multiple settlements had gone silent, and Tauno was not expecting anything to come of it. Probably just a downed relay he’d told his men. Erik popped his head out of the top hatch and looked into the night sky, thankful to be out of the stifling heat inside the troop carrier. The air outside was very humid and the incessant drone of insects and the jungle grated on Tauno’s nerves as he relaxed. He spotted the settlement ahead of him and dropped back into the vehicle.

 

He turned to the young captain seated next to him, “Captain Anderson, we are approaching the settlement, I’d guess we are about a minute out.”

Anderson was a Captain fresh out training, but already he had demonstrated acute tactical acumen, and had earned Tauno’s respect, despite the Captains long blonde hair and baby face.

 

“Hope you’re right Sergeant and its nothing, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this."

 

Anderson turned and spoke into the radio, ordering the men to be ready to move. Tauno looked at the other members of his squad. He nodded to Williams, who gave him a smug grin, then turned away. Jones was loading his Lasrifle and sat ready to go, the model soldier. Suddenly the vehicle lurched to a halt, and Tauno readied himself to exit the transport.

 

With a hissing rattle, the ramp in the back slowly lowered itself to the ground and Tauno sprinted out followed by his team. Captain Anderson was already ordering the men into positions and Tauno ran to meet him.

 

“1st squad you have the quarters, 2nd, the refinery, 3rd get the community center. My squad, we are going to the Security station.”

Cries of affirmative went up and the squads quickly began to move out. As the men entered the compound a loud BOOM of thunder echoed across the sky and it began to pour, making visibility even worse.

 

The sergeant of 1st squad came over the radio, “Sir, I’m seeing signs of battle, but no bodies, over”

 

Anderson looked about, and even with visibility being poor, he could see the carbon scoring and blast marks on the building, “I’m seeing the same thing sergeant, stay alert.”

As he spoke, the men turned off their safeties, with loud CLICKS echoing down the squad. The men moved quickly to the security block, and Anderson gestured Williams to knock down the door. Williams took a running start and lowered his shoulder and hit the door. Or, he attempted to. Instead, the door opened before he hit it and Williams flew through the opening in a tumble of limbs. Anderson ordered Tauno into the room after him, who clambered to his feet.

 

The two surveyed the room.

“By the Emperor” breathed Williams, a look of revulsion and shock upon his face. Tauno stoically took in the sight, unsurprised by what he saw. Anderson moved quickly into the room after them, and stood mute, his brown eyes poring over every detail.

 

“Bugger,” He hissed.

 

The room looked like the inside of a charnel house, with blood and gore all over the room, predominately near the barricade at the back. The power flickered on and off, creating an interesting strobe effect with the lights, causing intimidating shadows to dance upon the walls. Anderson knelt, and examined the prints tracked in blood upon the floor. They looked human, but also distinctly nonhuman, with long claws evident as well. Anderson swallowed, and wiped sweat from his eyes.

“All units, be alert, possible hostile contacts, be alert” He turned to the squad, “Quickly, I need to see the video logs.”

 

They rapidly moved towards the office and stood around the door. Tauno jiggled the handle.

“Locked.” Tauno whispered

 

Anderson nodded, and then grinned at Williams, who kicked the door off its hinges. Anderson ran to the terminal, and used his override codes to gain access the videos. Tauno couldn’t see the video but, in the illumination from the screen, he saw all the blood drain from the Captains face. Suddenly, a beep caused the men to jump. 3rd squads Sergeant was hailing them.

 

“Captain, we’ve breached the community center. But, it’s odd, it’s like people barricaded themselves in here, but no one is here. Also, there’s an odd biomass all over the walls,” To someone else he yelled, “What is that sound someone- Holy S”.

 

The transmission was cut off in a burst of static, but the silence was replaced by the THOOM of las-rifles. Anderson sprinted out the door, the squad hot on his heels. As, they cleared the building, Williams screamed. Tauno turned, and saw Williams being mauled by a four armed monstrosity that was highlighted in a flash of lightning.

“Keep Running” Bellowed Anderson and he grabbed Tauno and forced him to run. The rest of the squad was not so lucky, as they were being attacked by more of the creatures, and stood no chance of escaping.

 

“Go,” He heard Jones scream, “We’ll hold them off!”

 

So Tauno ran, ran like crazy with Anderson right behind him. As he ran he closed his mind to the sounds of the terror around him. Behind him Anderson opened up on an unseen foe, and was greeted with an animal shriek. The two rounded the corner that led to the exit and stopped short. Directly in their path stood a Tyranid Genestealer. Its four limbs ended in wicked claws and its long head was bristling with fangs and spiny protrusions. Both men raised their rifles and fired. Tauno kept firing until his clip ran dry then stood, staring at the corpse.

 

Anderson shoved him as he ran by.“Run!”

Tauno ran to the APC and climbed into the back.

 

“Go! Go!” wheezed Anderson, “Sergeant, get on the command frequency, get it set for me.” Erik nodded, and quickly began to work on the radio. He sat back and looked to Anderson.

 

“Now what Captain?”

In the silence that permeated the troop bay, Tauno could barely hear Anderson’s response.

“Now we get to the capital, and hope someone answers our cry for help.”

+++++++Transmission++++++++

999.M41

Imperis Arx

 

To anyone who can hear this. Two days ago Tyranids wiped out most of the minor settlements upon Imperis Arx. Argen has kept our boundaries tight, but I fear we may be the only ones left. Contact with the other cities has been lost, and I doubt they still stand. We will hold as long as possible but we need assistance. I expect we will not hold another week, so I have ordered the evacuation of Argen. I do not have nearly enough transports to save them all. Please, I beg of you send assistance. Send the Dark Angels, they are our last hope.

+++++++End Transmission+++++++

[Vazzy]

Adding Chapter 1

 

 

 

The Dark Angels training hall was enormous, with the winged sword of the chapter hanging from the ceiling, and men sparring throughout it. The sound of metal on metal rang throughout the training hall as Andre entered. In the center of the room, two giants battled with blades. Sweat slicked their brows, as the two slashed and weaved faster than Andre could keep up with. Enhanced by advanced sciences, both men stood nearly nine feet tall, had advanced muscles and senses and could survive wounds that would kill lesser men. Called Astartes, the men were the pinnacle of Imperial science, armed with the best armor and weapons of war. Suddenly the two Astartes spun away from each other and raised their blades into defensive stances.

The smaller of the two roared a challenge, and then rushed the larger. The larger man laughed, and then swung his foot in a sweeping arc that tripped up the other man who went down in a hurry. The larger knelt down next to him and spoke a few words, then pulled him to his feet. The two walked towards Andre speaking loudly.

 

“Brother,” said the smaller one, “How is it you can always anticipate my moves.”

 

The larger one laughed, drawing a glare from some of the other Astartes in the room.

“Well Corswain, when you get to be my age, you’ll know.” He turned to Andre and smiled, “Andre what can I do for you?”

 

Andre bowed quickly, then looked at the man’s scarred face. Dark hair was cut close to his head and he had a silver stud above his eyebrow. The history of this man was written upon his face.

Simodius Gregorius was 150 years old but already he had been promoted to Master of the third company, the youngest to ever old the position. Andre had faithfully been his assistant for 30 years, and had seen him change a great deal since he had inherited the position 2 years ago. Not only that, but he was Andres friend.

 

Suddenly he realized Gregorius was speaking, and he was snapped out of his reverie.

“Andre, Andre? What is the matter?”

 

Andre shook his head, clearing his thoughts and spoke the message he had been ordered to deliver.

 

“Sire, Grand Master Azrael has instructed me to order you to his quarters. He said it was a matter of grave importance.” Gregorius opened his mouth to ask a question but Andre beat him to it.

 

“No, Sire. He would not give me the reason; he just said it was important.” Gregorius sighed then turned to Corswain.

 

“Corswain, ready the third. I have a feeling that we will be needed soon.” With that Gregorius stalked to the exit and disappeared from view. Watching him walk away, the other Astarte spoke to Andre,

“Prepare the Company’s arms and armor. Be ready in 5 hours.” Andre nodded, and then quickly moved off. Corswain stood for another moment, surveying the training hall like it would be the last time he would ever see it, then he too walked away.

[Vexicus]

Hail Brother Vazzy,

 

Very nice. I like the way you brought in the Imperial Guard. How did it go down in your class??

[Vazzy]

Not as well as I would of liked. Sadly my public speaking skills are sadly lacking in quality and it doesn't help when after you finish your most asked question is what a Tyranid is. I've decided for the presentation of 2&3 tomorrow I'm bringing in my models as a physical representation.

 

Edit:didn't like the wording

[DarkSavage]

Has a good start in my opinion, keep it up! Looking forward to more!

[Vazzy]

Appreciate the responses. Chapter two should be up tomorrow night if anyone is interested.

[Vazzy]

Alright Chapter 2 is now up. Once again I'd really appreciate C&C.

 

The Rock

 

Beta Imperis System

 

30 light years from Imperis Arx

 

Gregorius jogged quickly through the bowels of the rock, dodging the occasional servitor. Despite the poorly lit hallways, gregorius moved through them with ease, another benefit of his augmentations. He slowed to a walk as he neared Azrael’s quarters and stopped just before the door.

 

“Sire, Simodius Gregorius, reporting as ordered.” He announced.

 

 

Through the door way, he heard a rustle of cloth, and voice, “Enter brother.” The chamber ahead was dimly lit, but Simodius could see the hulking form of an Astartes through the door. Gregorius hustled through the entrance, and bowed before the Grand Master. Clad in dark green robes, Azrael smiled at Gregorius, as a father would a son. Yet, despite this, his tanned face was creased with worry lines.

 

“Simodius, what do you know of Imperis Arx?

 

Puzzled by this question, Gregorius answered uncertainly, “Imperis Arx is an agrarian society sire, with a population of around 5 billion. The Capital is Argen. It is one of our recruiting worlds, is it not?”

 

Azrael nodded, “Aye, it is. Two days ago, we received a vox transmission alerting us to an assault by Tyranids on the planet. I am sending you and the third company, along with a contingent of the Deathwing and Ravenwing, to assist in the evacuation of Argen, one of the last cities.”

 

Gregorius stood, dumbfounded, “Evacuate sire? This is one of our planets. We cannot let it fall! I will stand and fight.I am stunned you would suggest such an idea.”

 

Azrael turned to Gregorius, a look of sorrow on his face, “Believe me brother, If there was another option, I would gladly take it. Unfortunately, every other option will cause more damage than assistance. I understand your frustration brother, but I must do what is best for our Chapter, and this gives us a chance to save some of our Aspirants.

 

“My apologies Sire, I spoke out of turn. I had not considered the issues of my idea." He bowed his head sheepishly, "It will not happen again."

 

Azrael nodded. “Every man has to be wrong once in his life Gregorius. I've assigned you the Battle Barge Unrelenting Fury, along with the Strike Cruisers, Lion's Pride and Sword of Caliban, and four Frigates. You and your men should arrive at Imperis in 12 hours. For the Emperor.”

 

“In His name.” Replied Gregorius, who turned and walked away with one final bow. As he walked down the hall he called Corswain on the vox,

“Corswain is the Company ready?”

 

“Aye Sir, it is. May I ask-“

 

“No, you may not. Have the armory and men move to the Unrelenting Fury. I was right, we’re mobilizing. Gregorius out.”

He moved quickly out of sight in the direction of the docking bay, his robes billowing behind him.

 

Back in Azrael’s quarters, a small hooded creature stepped out of the shadows and turned to Azreal, who sat, deep in thought.

 

“He would make an acceptable replacement.” It whispered.

 

Azrael shook his head, “I am not so sure. It is highly unorthodox. Belial would be next in line. Gregorius is young and many would view it as nepotism”

 

The creature sighed, “You must choose soon, for your fate comes swiftly. Belial is too predictable, and his judgement easily clouded. Gregorius is decisive, and his loyalty is commendable.”

 

Azrael grunted, “I wish you would tell me why you are convinced I need to choose my successor," He looked to the hooded creature, "I will meditate on this and ask the Lion for guidance. Begone.”

 

It bowed its head, “As you wish.” Then, in the blink of an eye, it vanished.

 

 

Uh oh, is something gunna happen to Azzy? :lol: Will gregorius lead his forces to victory? Find out next time I update!

 

Also if anyone wants to be included as a marine or has ideas, reply or message me. Thanks for reading.

[Vazzy]

So what did you think. I'm presenting again Wednesday so any thing yall feel I should change is appreciated

[Darkchild130]

Prologue and first chapter flowed well and You gave a good sense of an unknown terror, it read like an Aliens comic (the kind with colonial marines, powerloaders etc).

1 point with the prologue. An officer fresh out of training would be a Lieutenant or 2nd Lieutenant, never a captain.

 

2nd Chapter: Azreal and Gregorius suffer from a bad case of "bickering marine syndrome". there is nothing wrong with questioning orders or a rebuttle from a commander, but I would try to use more mature dialogue to make them come across as 2 seasoned warriors rather than spoilt children.

 

This part in particular concerns me.

 

Azrael spun to Gregorius, a look of fury on his face, “You think I wish to do this? I am attempting to save what little of our culture I can. Do not patronize me Gregorius; it will end badly for you. I care not for your standing in the Chapter; I am the Grand Master, not you!”

 

don't take this the wrong way, I mean for this to be constructive, think of what a centuries old Chapter master might say. Would he fly into a rage if his order was questioned? Probably wouldn't have made the rank of Supreme Grand Master if he flew off the handle in a childish hissy fit every time somebody didn't agree with him.

I imagine he would calmly explain exactly why he wants the order carried out, or if not at least tell him he has a better awareness of the situation and that it will become clear later.

 

Just my 2 pence.

 

Darkchild

[Vazzy]

@Darkchild No I appreciate the criticsm. It was kind of a rush job and reading through, it does sound kinda whiny. It shall be fixed.

Also, there is a reason Anderson is a Captain *Cough* Politics *Cough*

[Darkchild130]

Re-read it, Dialogue feels a lot more natural now (not that I am an expert in these matters, but it reads better to me :) )

Glad I could help.

 

Darkchild

[Brother Immolator]

Thats goodie goods!Me likes!Show us some more.Also on the fury of azy,it doesnt seem too out of place if you ask me.

The man has some serious burdens its obvious.That little watcher told him to choose a successor because his fate is coming.What other fate that death would force a chapter master to choose a successor?You need also to make a narative introduction to the astartes equipment and the general psyche of the DA.But that might be too much for a school project right?

 

Looking forward to some tight tyranid fighting!

 

So we can be included into the story?Awesome sauce!

 

Deathwatch brother marine Immolator,recently returned from the deathwatch.A calculating brooding figure that nobody really likes(even his squad mates since he has 'an above altitude' but has a tactical'view'of the battlefield.Carries a stalker silenced boltgun and is adept at heavy weapons,doesnt like robes.Discovered the secret of the fallen during his foray in the DW and acts as an agent for the chapter in the ordo xenos.Brown hair green eyes.Thats my char from the RPG really,and some things he did.

[Vazzy]

Glad you felt it improved

[Vazzy]

@ brother immolator yeah I'm including characters. I'm thinking about asking around on the da forum

 

Also, chapter 3 will be up tonite.

[Vazzy]

Here it is!! Chapter 3 Criticisms and critque as always.

 

 

Battle Barge Unrelenting Fury

Outside edge of the Imperis system

 

Gregorius had assembled his Veteran Sergeants in the briefing room and was in the midst of explaining the battle deployment to the assembled Astartes. All were in full battle plate, including Gregorius, whose helm lay in front of him, the twin plumes of feathers glowing a faint blue in the displays lighting. None of his Sergeants wore robes save Anduriel, who led the Company veteran squad, thanks to Sergeant Immolator’s advice. Immolator, recently returned from Deathwatch, had told of how his robes had been set alight by an errant Guardsman and nearly cost him his life. Although not the most well liked brother, Immolators tale had been heeded by most of the men in the company, despite the honor in wearing them.

 

“We should touch down near the center of the city, if there are no complications,” grunted Gregorius, pointing to a large building on the holo display, “From there we shall head to the command center, and rendezvous with Colonel Anderson. Remember our objective is to recover as many citizens as possible.”

 

Ravenwing Sergeant Aquila raised a hand, “Brother,I can’t help but notice we will not drop pod in Brother. Where do we fit into this?”

 

Gregorius turned to the assembly, “The Ravenwing detachment along with Tomas,his scouts and most of our heavy support will arrive via Thunderhawk. Understood?”

 

The Sergeants nodded, and then waited as Gregorius spoke to Admiral Vaddus, leader of the fleet.

“Aye Admiral, my men are already assembled in their drop pods. We will be ready in two minutes. Gregorius out,” he spoke to the Sergeants,” Let us go, We will be in High orbit in two minutes.”

 

With a nod Gregorius and the Veterans took off in a jog towards the launch bay.

Upon arrival Gregorius supervised the final loading procedures, including the loading of Opiel, the company’s Drednaught, into his Drop pod. After ensuring all his men were in position, Gregorius moved to his command squad. Corswain greeted him with a smile.

 

“Ahh, Sire, I was worried you had decided to skip this mission.”

 

Netan, the banner Bearer, laughed, “Aye, We figured you thought the mission was unimportant.”

 

Gregorius smiled at his brothers, “ You believe that I’d skip this? No I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” He nodded to the drop pod, “Quickly, we launch in one minute.”

 

The Astartes quickly secured themselves in the drop pod, making a few last minute checks. As the hatch doors closed in front of them, the Dark Angels were bathed in an eerie red glow. A rattling thud signified the first drop pod leaving the ship, and over the Vox Chaplain Nemiel began the Litanies of Battle.

“As I walk through the shadow of death I fear nothing.”

 

Another rattling clank and another drop pod was away, hurtling towards Imperis Arx.

Gregorius opened his own Vox channel and joined Nemiel in his Litany.

 

“My righteous fury fuels me. The light of the Emperor guides me. With Bolter and Chainsword I purge the Xenos, the Heretic, the Unfaithful.”

Gregorius’ own droppod reached the launch point, and a timer came on in the pod, counting down from 10.

 

10…

 

“I strive for victory.”

 

9…

 

“The Lion himself fights beside me.”

 

8…

 

“Purge the Xenos!”

 

7…

 

Every Marine was chanting now, and it filled Gregorius with pride in his company.

 

6…

 

“Let me never fail in my duties to the Emperor.”

 

5…

 

I am His Fist, His hammer.”

 

4…

 

“His unyielding Shield.”

 

3…

 

“I am a Dark Angel of the First Legion”

 

2…

 

“A Son of the Lion.”

 

1…

 

“NEVER FORGIVE! NEVER FORGET!”

 

“NEVER FORGIVE! NEVER FORGET!”

 

Suddenly, Gregorius felt a massive kick , and the acceleration’s push on his body. The Drop Pods flew towards Imperis Arx, ready to bring the cleansing fire of the Space Marines.

[Brother Immolator]

What i liked in this chapter the most was the way the marines prayed through the drop sequence.It really cuts your breath imagining the marines strapped inside the pod diving with lightning speed and chanting prayers.Great stuff looking forward for the next!

[Grimdarkness]

He he he poor Immolator’s story made me laugh thumbs up for that.

[DarkSavage]

Love the chaplain's liturgy during the drop, looking forward to more.

If you haven't noticed already or another hasn't already pointed out, but just a few minor spelling errors.

In a way I agree and disagree with the way that Azreal responded to the questions; I have to agree with both Darkchild and Brother Immolator in their assesments.

 

But that's just me being nit-picky :D

Story is still looking really good!

-DarkSavage

[Vazzy]

Alright guys. Chapter 4 is now up, tell me what you think. Honestly, I think its not great but at least semi passable.

 

 

Chapter 4

Beta Imperis System

Imperis Arx

M41

 

Sergeant Tauno dropped down next to Captain Anderson in their fox hole with a grunt. The sergeants normally immaculate armor was acid scored and had claw marks from the intense fighting, none of which he noticed when he turned to the disheveled young man next to him. Captain Anderson and Tauno had become fast friends after their first encounter with the Tyranids and when Anderson was assigned a new platoon, he had naturally chosen Tauno as his second in command.

 

"So... where are the reinforcements we were promised Captain?" Tauno growled.

 

The captains grubby face scowled at him beneath his helmet, "They'll get here when they get here, why does it-"

 

He was cut off by a wailing screech from in front of them, and the chitinous clicking as the Tyranids charged up the hill again. The guardsmen stood and began to open fire on the rolling tide of xenos, las fire illuminating the men and women's faces.

 

Anderson cheered them on as he and Tauno fired into the bioforms, "That's it lads! Keep up the pressure, Fight for the Emperor!"

 

One of the platoons Heavy Bolters opened fire with BRRRRPP. The fist sized slugs turned the Tyranids into a red mist that coated the pavement in thick slippery sheets that ran in rivers down the hill. Cries of "Medic!" rang out as the Tyranids also began to cause casualties among Anderson's men. The Tyranids advance kept coming, wave after wave, slowly whittiling down the troopers numbers. The last few Guardsmen were forced to switch to melee weapons as they ran out of charge for their Las guns.

 

Anderson swallowed then called out the order, "Fix bayonets! Prepare to charge!"

 

Tauno sighed, then grinned, as he slotted his bayonet into place "This is it, huh Captain? Never thought it would end like this."

 

The captain nodded, " Me either, but its been a Hell of a ride," He stood, "See you on the other side Erik."

 

Tauno nodded, "It's been an honor sir."

 

"Charge!!!"

 

As the call rang out, 20 Guardsmen stood and sprinted towards the advancing horde. As the men charged, a curious phenomenon occurred; the Tyranids turned tail and ran.

 

"What the Feth?" murmured Tauno, stunned at the turn of events.

 

One of the other Gurdsmen let out a resounding cheer, " Yeah! You better run you scaly freaks!" He turned and grinned at the Captain.

 

He was still grinning when he was neatly bisected by the Carnifex that burst out of the wall next to him in a spray of dust and brick. The creature stood nearly twenty feet tall and was reminiscent of the now extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex, just with extra arms. Around it swarmed ten Tyranid warriors, their bio-cannons liquefying the last of the guard. The monstrous creature seemed to zero in on the the two men and let out a piercing roar that rattled Anderson to the core. Then, it charged.

 

"By the Emperor." Breathed Tauno, begginning to backpedal away.

 

As the creature lumbered towards the two men, the air was split with a shriek and suddenly, the carnifex head was crushed beneath a green hunk of metal. The entire battlefield seemed to freeze as every head was turned to the steaming drop pod. With a loud bang one of the doors exploded off and crushed a Tyranid warrior into a streak of gore. A giant in forest green armor stepped out of the drop pod. Assorted alien skulls hung from his silver shoulder pauldron, each with a hole through it. The Space Marines bolter had a large scope and a long barrel on it and it fired with a crump , slaying a Tyranid warrior. The rest of the drop pod ramps exploded out, and nine more aromor clad behmoths stepped out. The sound of Bolters being loaded and chainswords rang out and wordlessly, the Marines began the slaughter. Every Bolt round punched massive holes in the warriors carapace, and every chainsword cut with lethal efficiency. The sergeant's bolter was unerringly accurate, slaying three warriors in in as many seconds. As the Space Marines formed a perimeter around the area, the squad’s sergeant approached Anderson.

 

"Captain," The deep vox distorted voice growled. "I am Sergeant Immolator of the Dark Angels. According to my tactical map we are ten miles from the center of the city, is this correct?"

Anderson made the sign of the Aquila and bowed his head "Yes Sire, you are correct."

 

" A growl emanated from the Dark Angel and Anderson stepped back, suddenly nervous.

"Come, you shall accompany my men and I to the the command post." With that the Marines took off in a slow jog.Tauno looked to Anderson, who shrugged, then ran after the Marines, closely followed by Tauno.

[Brother Immolator]

The relationship between the two officers,is underlined in a very nice way.Congrats,even if it wasnt stated the dialogue between them truly gives you the feeling that those two have seen some s:cuss together.

 

One thing,i am developing a nick of reading Tauno into tuna though...And i believe what you meant about the armor was acid scared no?

[Interrogator Stobz]

Very nice Vazzy, I'm no writer but your story is paced well and I think would be easy to follow for non 40k peeps.

 

In Chapter 3, spelling mistake, by the countdown; fear instead of fell

In Chapter 4, spelling mistake; armour clad behemoths

Also, might be nice when the DA set off at a slow jog that the Guard sprint to keep up. Shows difference in ability.

 

nice work.

 

stobz

[Tengo]

Why has this suddenly ended? I was enjoying it B)

 

Chapter 4 probably wasn't your best in terms of writing, but the story evolution was good, I was waiting for a drop pod to crush some 'nids!

 

I think the first chapter was probably the best from a purely literary point of view, but I really, really loved the oath recital during the drop pod descent, very well done!

 

And Sergeant's immolator's story gave me a little chuckle.

 

How did the class take it? and how did you explain what a tyranid was? Hopefully you used a mix of 'Aliens' and 'Starship Troopers' for comparison!

[Vazzy]

Chapter 5 After reading Know no Fear, I'm trying a new writing style

 

Tauno curses heartily as he dives behind the shattered ferrocrete wall. He curses the Imperial Guard, for forcing him into this. He curses himself for volunteering. But most of all, he curses the blasted Tyranids for ever arriving on this blasted planet. The Sergeant raises his las rifle over the barricade, and depresses the trigger. Tyranids are blown apart by the the laser. Tauno doesn't ever bother aiming the rifle, the Tyranids are so numerous. Captain Anderson stands next to him, snapping off bolt rounds with the bolt pistol he took from a dead Commissar. Almost every round hits it mark. Tauno is impressed by this. But he is stunned by the Angels to the left and right of him. The Angels of Death live up to their name, slaying Tyranids with EVERY SINGLE SHOT. A wall corpses has built up in front of the burned out building, forcing the Tyranids to clamber over the corpses. The rapid CHUNK-CHUNK-CHUNK of the Astartes boltguns is relentless, only broken by the sound of a magazine being swapped out. The one who called himself Immolator is at the front, his stalker bolter effciently killing the bastards. Suddenly, to the left, three larger creatures appear to the left.

 

Tyranid Warriors.

 

Tauno has seen them before, when they tore apart Anderson's platoon. Anderson sees them as well, and turns to the Astartes,

 

"Sire!" He cries, "Look!"

 

One of the marines charges forward, his flamer spewing promethium onto the beasts. One erupts in a violent conflagration, spewing acid. But the marine is exposed, over extended. And to make matters worse, he's out of fuel. The man pulls out a combat knife, prepared to fight to death. He never gets the chance. The Tyranid warrior moves faster than Tauno is able to follow. But he sees the the Marine topple, his head...gone.

 

Tauno freezes, horrified. Space Marines can't die. They just can't. But Tauno just saw one die. But that is impossible, for Space Marines can't die. The man is frozen, unable to move,too stunned to react to anything.

 

Immolator curses as Hyperion falls. He orders a retreat, as it is no longer tactically viable to hold this position. It's a fighting retreat, but two more of his squad fall. The two guardsmen are quick to follow, sprinting to keep up with the Dark Angels. The squad forms a semicircle, firing out. It is a last stand. Immolator knows the group doesn't stand a chance the warriors are advancing. The Veteran Sergeant pulls out his powersword, and quickly cuts down two of the advancing termagaunts. Suddenly, to his left, a cry rings out.

 

"FOR the LION!"

 

Captain Gregorious emerges from behind the building, his blazing relic blade Oathtaker cutting down a score of Tyranids in two fell swings. His command squad is behind him, charging in his wake. Amused Corswain, contemtously cutting down anything thatsteps in his way. The apothecary Vexan, slashing with his chainsword, Netan, the Banner bearer, crushing the xenos with his powerfist. Then, the twins, Cytheron and Belethor, cutting a bloody swathe with their stormbolters. The Warriors turn to the Captain of the Third, lumbering towards him, intent on cutting him down. Gregorious strikes first, decapitating one with a two handed swing, then slaying the other with a back hand slash. And just like that, the Tyranids break, the death of the synapse creatures, causing them to scatter.

 

The remaining Marines catch them in a sweeping advance, exterminating the fleeing beasts, with ease. Gregorious turns to Immolator, who salutes him with the Sign of the Aquila.

 

"Perfect Timing, Captain," Immolator smiles,' I am glad to see you arrived intact.'

 

Gregorious nods, " Yes, but it seems the entire company is-,' He pauses, cocking his head slightly. Beeath them, the ground begins to tremble.

 

"To Arms!" Cries Gregorious, "To Arms!"

 

A huge expolsion of dirt heralds the arrival of the Tyranid Counterattack. A Trygon appears from the hole surrounded by lesser forms, it screeches a challenge.

 

Gregorious answers it with one of his own, charging straight towards the beast.

[egon1six]

I am not much of a writer but I would definitly buy this story if it were to ever be printed! Keep up the good work Vazzy and I look forward for more to come!

[Vazzy]

So, which writing style did you guys prefer?

Any suggestions