rocketsredbear Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 A PROMISE KEPT: The Rus Guard "We will fight here, no matter the cost to ourselves. We will regain our honor and repay this debt in blood!" - Captain Akakios ZevrasOn a world to the galactic South-East lies a world almost rent asunder by invasion. The Von System is besieged by Orks and Dark Eldar as they attempt to annihilate the Imperial citizens on the planet. The only thing slowing the destruction is a hardened group of Space Marines. They are indebted to the populace beyond duty, honor and mission. They are shaped by the planet, its peoples and its traditions. Nikolai Reznikov. Fifth Company Origins During the 23rd founding The High Lords of Terra decided to raise a new chapter specifically to guard a region of space in the southern portion of Segmentum Ultima surrounding the Istra Nebula. For thousands of years, the nebula had been surrounded by warp storms that prevented anything from entering the system. Scout ships in the area found several planets overrun with greenskins prosecuting wars against one another. During the founding, an urgent message was delivered to the High Lords. The warp storms had abated and the Istra Nebula was now accessible. Ancient reports told of a human civilization discovered during the time of the Great Crusade. It was decided that the new chapter would make contact and then defend the region from the numerous enemies of Mankind. Nikolai Reznikov Nikolai was the final initiate to be completely trained and brought up to be a full battle-brother in the 5th Company. Nikolai has served for 50 years in the name of Novgorod. The young marine has established himself as a popular Astartes and exceptional battle-brother with a dry humour. In better times, in another chapter, Nikolai would most likely be groomed for a command position. He is charismatic and has a great mind for battle. Fate however, can be cruel. Nikolai instead continues to serve with distinction, knowing full well that his honors and commendations will never come. The White Scars were granted the honors of selecting and sending a training cadre. Several inhabited planets tempted the training cadre for a chapterhouse and a moon orbiting a gas giant was originally selected. Daellos had a standard orbit over Baos V and its harsh freezing climate and shifting ice shelves dominated the landscape. On the way to the moon, they were attacked by a Dark Eldar pirate ship. Details from the battle are sketchy and have been lost to time. What is known however, is that the Imperial ship resumed it's orbit over Daellos, venting atmosphere and fuel.The damaged ship orbited the moon until full repairs could be made. The most senior Astartes Goyuk Khan praised the tech priests and techmarines in their efforts and within weeks the battle-scarred vessel continued to explore the system.Messages were then broadcast on all available channels in the hope of getting any kind of response. Finally, they entered what was called the Von System and a large group of ancient starships confronted the strike cruiser. A parley was sent in perfect High Gothic asking to meet the representative of the Imperium ship. Goyuk read the orders of the High Lords of Terra to the delight of the fleet commander, who introduced himself as Lord Admiral Feliks Yeltin, Commander of the 1st fleet. The fleet then escorted the training cadre to Novgorod, the origin planet of the fleet. It was revealed that Novgorod was the only planet still inhabited by humans in the region. It was then when they asked to be brought back into the fold of the Imperium, seeking to reunite with their human brothers. The fledging chapter then named themselves the Rus Guard, in honor of the planet's ancestors. Homeworld Novgorod is a planet of mountainous and rugged terrain. Massive city-fortresses, or "castles" as they were referred to by the locals, dominated the ranges and housed most of the population. Goyuk spend days surveying the planet searching for a suitable location for the fortress-monastery. The tallest peak on the planet was estimated at a height of 21 kilometers, he could only think of one name for the site of their new home, Jaghatai Mons. The fortress-monastery became known as Staraya Ladoga and housed the chapter for many centuries. For thousands of years, Novgorod was the staging ground for hundreds of missions against xenos and chaotic threats throughout their corner of the galaxy. However, a massive Waaagh! soon came to the doorstep of the Rus. It is theorized that the Orks were goaded into this bloody campaign by outside sources, but the reason for it coming into being no longer matters. The Waaagh! landed on Novgorod even after several space battles that were clearly won by the Imperial forces.When they landed on Novgorod, Akakios gave his most solemn vow that the Rus Guard would defend the people until the last Astartes lay dead. The fortress-monastery soon became one of the refuges for displaced citizens. Urgent messages were sent to the force that had left for Eye of Terror to help against Abaddon’s latest Black Crusade for them to return. The missive was received and with great remorse was forwarded to the Departmento Munitorum in the hope that someone could help the embattled marines. The Rus Guard were fully engaged against the forces of Chaos and could not even send a single squad back to help their brothers.Novgorod is now beset by the brunt of an Ork WAAAGH! Ancient defensive lines and barrier had been rebuilt in preparation of the invasion. Tall towers of reinforced ferrocrete riddled with heavy stubbers, autocannons and lascannons have been established every 100 meters, with crossfire zones and natural barriers to prevent the inevitable invasion. Cordons of crossfires and killing zones are all that prevent the destruction of the major hive cities. Captain Akakios Zevras Combat Doctrine “I don’t care if it shoots lasers or bolts, find me something to kill with!” – Sgt. Viktor Konkin Captain Akakios Zevras The last remaining Captain left in the Istra Nebula and is now in command of a ragged and ramshackle group of Space Marines. He weeps for his lost brothers and vows to rid Novgorod of the Greenskins. Akakios is Captain of the 5th Company and was unable to travel with his brothers to the Eye of Terror due to injuries received during a training mission. He took command of his beleaguered brothers and has since led them with distinction and glory. His decision to strap on a jump pack and relive the glories of the past led to the rise of a few eyebrows, but they have been dismissed in the wake of the blood he has let from the Orks on Novgorod. Only 20 Assault marines remain from Daellos and he stands at their head. The Rus Guard at the Cadian Gate still pursue warfare in the traditional terms. Still a relatively young chapter, they do mostly without dreadnoughts or terminators. The Rus Guard follow the codex in honor of a Space Marine chapter that assisted them in battle. They have seemed to have picked up on siegecraft naturally, as the terrain of their homeworld lends to it. As it stands, the Rus Guard number around 200 battle-brothers on Novgorod. It is currently unknown how many remain at the Eye of Terror. Only the 5th and 7th companies remained on Novgorod when the chapter left for the Cadian Gate. Bolter ammunition is tragically low, while missiles, heavy bolter ammo, and promethium have been exhausted. Chainswords have been smashed, power weapons shattered. Most of the plasma weapons have either been destroyed or lost.Battle-brothers have learned to make do with lasguns, auto-guns and shotguns. In terms of close-combat weapons, long swords, axes and gladii made of traditionally crasted steel have been issued out. The manufactorums of Novgorod have however, managed to produce enough heavy-stubbers and autocannons that the Astartes have now begun to carry them in place of the traditional Devastator arsenal. While not able to produce the sheer terror or volume of fire as a line of bolters, the Rus Guard have become just as effective. Unable to defeat the Orks with the over-powering weapons normally afforded to Astartes, forward assaults and traditional warfare have been nearly abandoned. Stealth operations have become the norm. Expertly placed raids and ambushes have managed to sow confusion and dissent within the ranks of the WAAAGH! Infighting and civil war among the minor Warbosses have kept the Orks from overrunning the defenses. Organization Thwak! Thwak! Thwak! Thwak!......Thunk! "Command...Command, this is Reznikov. The deed is done, they will not have known I was here"Captain Akakios Zevras is the current leader of the Rus Guard on Novgorod. The remaining marines have been hasitly organized into 4 companies of 50 battle-brothers. Only one Librarian and two Chaplains remain within the chapter. A single Apothecary remains to form the medical staff. Zevras himself is responsible for the restructuring and almost came to blows with his chaplains for disobeying the Codex. Every night he asks for forgiveness and penance in his prayers and knows that censure will come when Makarov returns.Mikhail Makarov is still the Chapter Master in command of the troops at the Eye of Terror and refuses to return until Chaos has been removed from the Cadian Gate. Traditionally, the Rus Guard operate within the Codex, and the Rus are praised for their adherence to the Codex. Mikhail knows he walks a fine line between his word and his responsibilities. Repeated requests and missives have been received by his subordinates stationed with him on Cadia to return to Novgorod. At first, he waved them off with mere annoyance, but lately he has become more agitated by the messages his equerry delivers. He will not forsake his honor for anything. Novgorod will stand or fall on it's own. Beliefs The Rus Guard are like many Space Marine chapters, as they believe the Emperor was the pinnacle of humanity but not the god that is venerated by the Imperial Cult. Before the invasion of Novgorod, all Imperial citizens fell under the protective banner of the Rus Guard. Regardless of the situation in the Istra Nebula, the denizens could always count on the purple armoured Angels of Death to descend from the skies and rescue them from peril. A quick glance would show that the Rus are quite different from their father chapter, this can be attributed to a brief encounter with the Genesis Chapter. During the time it was building it's strength, a race of xenos named the Baruff attacked the nebula. Though they could win any battle in space, the Rus were woefully undermanned to engage in massive ground actions. A call was made to any who would answer. Elements of the Genesis Chapter appeared within months of the request and managed to wipe out the Baruff. After witnessing the efficient tactics of their savior's the Rus' leadership decided to re-dedicate themselves to the Codex. Teamwork is paramount to the Rus Guard, and it is instilled in the initiates from their first moments within the chapter. All recruits must be able to work together for the benefit of the chapter. While competition is encouraged by the trainers, any divisiveness is rooted out and eliminated. Most of the recruits compete against each other in trials of skill and intelligence, and sometimes the results can spill over into initiation. Rus Guard squads are known particularly for their cohesiveness and ability to adapt to any situation.Even greater than teamwork is the emphasis on oaths. Once the word of the Rus Guard has been given, it is never broken. This has garnered them praise and thanks from hundreds of worlds that have been protected and liberated by the chapter. This is also the reason why the main strength of the chapter has not returned from the Eye of Terror. The promise was made to rid the Cadian Gate of any Chaos taint, and they will not leave until this is done. Not even the fall of their home world and desperate defense of Novgorod will they return. The oath kept and the oath broken Akakios is highly resentful of his Chapter Master's failure to return, but believes he understands why. The veteran Assault Marine was present when the word was given. He held out the bolter on which Mikhail swore the evils of Abadon's Black Crusade would be destroyed. He mourns everyday for the loss of his brothers, but rages against the stupidity of 600 of his battle-brothers fighting a war that can be prosecuted by other men, other Astartes! He recalls every moment of Mikhail swearing to rid the Cadian Gate of chaos. He also vividly remembers the promise made to protect his chapter house, Novgorod, the Nebula and his brothers! To think Makarov a friend, hmmph! When not planning the next raid on the Orks or assigning his troops to garrison duties, he sits in his dark chambers, his memories return to a time when he and the Chapter Master were but battle-brothers in the same squad. To think that he called him a friend. Now he contemplates his possible reactions to seeing the Rus Guard fleet over the planet. Gene seed The Rus Guard are descended from the White Scars and carry all the working implants of their primogenitor chapter. The gene seed itself is subjected to the highest level of screening to ensure there is no mutation. Implantation is overseen with the upmost seriousness. Chaplains watch over the initiates and recite litanies of faith and reassure them with words of wisdom. While it may cause the chapter to be slow in recovery of losses, the number of successful implants is amongst the best in the Imperium.Recruits were once called in from all over Novgorod. Competitions used to be held every six months to determine who could be eligible. Constant war against Orks has strengthened the citizens of the planet. The PDF and militia forces constantly train the youth of the planet and every male and female child are expected to serve a minimum of 2 years service. This almost guarantees the applicants are ready to face the trials imposed by the Astartes. Currently the remaining apothecary on Novgorod has managed to rescue most of the geneseed from their fallen brothers and it sits, waiting for the chance to be implanted into initiates. However, without the time or place to appropriately train a new batch of initiates, the marines planet side have been given the strictest orders not to sell their lives to cheaply. Battlecry The Rus Guard's traditional battlecry has long since been an affirmation of their oaths: "Never fear death! Only fear dishonor!" Now, the remaining battle-brothers on Novgorod can only bellow: “Never give ground, only give death!” Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 All codes errors should be fixed! :lol: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2895786 Share on other sites More sharing options...
InquisitorHayn Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 First, I would just like to say that I :cussing Love This. A Chapter in its death throes, fighting tooth-and-nail with whatever they can find, death before dishonor. It's positively invigorating. Bravo. *takes breath* *sighs*...However, there are some things that could do with a little cleaning up. Origins: Sadly, I almost stopped reading here and robbed myself of the later excitement. Aside from where the Chapter's trainers decided to plant there adamantite behinds, there's nothing in it. 1)Start at the beginning. Tell us why these ten Ultramarines were sent to this region of space. I'm gathering that the Xenos attack was a sideways attempt at a hint, but there needs to be more. What is the strategic significance of this region of space? 2)What about Daellos made the cadre choose it? Its climate is irrelevant without a fitting stock of recruiting material, a defensible position, or something that makes it ideal. Right now, it's just cold. 3)Hello, Deus ex Fleet. Why was the 5th fleet present in the region? It's extremely convenient that they just happened along when your cadre's ships were under attack by Eldar raiders. A little explanation goes a long way. Perhaps, for instance, the cadre's ships were attacked and sent out a distress signal. The outnumbered caravan tries to run, but ends up caught in a losing battle. Then, in the face of imminent destruction, the 5th fleet shows up and saves the day. The added drama creates that extra substance. As it stands, you have a Chapter swearing multi-millennium blood oath to a few guys who just happened to be floating around doing their job. Then, if you want to be really evil, maybe the 5th fleet had been attempting to rid the system of these Eldar scum for some time but were having trouble pinning them down long enough to deal with them. Maybe these idiot Space Marines on a sight-seeing tour made great bait. Who knows? All in all, you just need to be more descriptive. Homeworld: Overall, I can tell that you put a lot of thought into the Homeworld section to give the planet some history. Now let's just back it off a bit. This section tells a LOT about the people of Novgorod, but next to nothing about the Chapter. Which brings me to something I forgot to mention earlier. Why is Daellos even named? The whole bit about the different training planet candidates can be left out. Also, if Novgorod is the home station of an entire Imperial fleet, you need to answer me two questions: Why have they not received Imperial aid already (Guard regiments, actual functioning SM Chapters)? and Why would Space Marines choose this world to shack up on? Were I you, I would reinstate the freezing moon of Daellos as home base, recruiting from the gracious people of Novgorod if you so desire. Chapters don't really share worlds. Aside from this, a few minor points about the Homeworld. Novgorod was a planet settled by refugees escaping political persecution from Terra Everyone is politically, religiously, and militarily persecuted by Terra. Just sayin'. they expanded their technology using an STC PURGE THE HERETICS!!!...ahem...excuse me. First of all, STCs aren't just things one happens across. They're rare. Like a pizza topping that everyone loves rare. Second, nobody (especially not an entire world) gets away with keeping technology that Mars doesn't have. As soon as anyone caught wind of this, the place would be swarming with Imperial authority like teenage girls at a Justin Beber concert. I'd leave this part out. Current Status: Take this out and add it to Origins. Combat Doctrine: Can be put into Organization. Combat Doctrine is more about how the marines fight than what they fight with. Also... The Rus Guard are a codex chapter in spirit only now. No, my friend, they're Codex. They're incredibly short-staffed and they may find themselves occasionally throwing rocks but, at the end of the day, they're still every bit of what they started as. You have to remember that the Codex is not just a definition of the size and organization of a Chapter, but a comprehensive guide for how to do EVERYTHING, whether you're a regular human city planner or the most bad-arse Marine who's ever been. Check out the Crimson Fists. They've been in a similar spot to where your boys are. By the pure nature of your Chapter's situation, they are cool enough not to need Codex-divergence. Organization: The list is unnecessary. We can gather the small size of the units from your writing. Beliefs: Give me a little more. Not talking about their religion, but what do they BELIEVE. I see a lot of trouble from IA writers trying to separate the concepts of religion and belief. Yeah, most Chapters have some cool ritual and they believe the Emperor was the All-Galactic Bad-Arse. I'd recommend watching the movie Serenity. It'll give you a fantastic idea of what belongs in this section. Gene Seed: Words, man, I need words! ;) But seriously, these concepts are good but they deserve more than a sentence each to flesh out their importance to the genetic preservation and purity of your Chapter. Battle Cry: I put it through the "yelling it out loud in my war voice" test (which everyone should use, btw) and I love it. Makes me want to go out and slay something. Make it bigger. :lol: And here we are in the final synopsis. Don't be afraid to use words. Yes, there's such a thing as too much description. I'm guilty of it myself in almost everything I write. That's what C&C is for. You can always cut it down.You have some really good ideas here and, with a little fine tuning and a lot of expansion, they could become really great ideas. That said, you're probably going to get some "Why create a Chapter that's about to die?"s. Create an awesome, history-filled Origins section and it wont matter. Also, you keep using those lasguns and shotguns and rocks and pointy things no matter what anyone says. It's awesome. To any who say otherwise...NEVER GIVE GROUND, ONLY GIVE DEATH! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2895805 Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Homeworld: Overall, I can tell that you put a lot of thought into the Homeworld section to give the planet some history. Now let's just back it off a bit. This section tells a LOT about the people of Novgorod, but next to nothing about the Chapter. Which brings me to something I forgot to mention earlier. Why is Daellos even named? The whole bit about the different training planet candidates can be left out. Also, if Novgorod is the home station of an entire Imperial fleet, you need to answer me two questions: Why have they not received Imperial aid already (Guard regiments, actual functioning SM Chapters)? and Why would Space Marines choose this world to shack up on? Were I you, I would reinstate the freezing moon of Daellos as home base, recruiting from the gracious people of Novgorod if you so desire. Chapters don't really share worlds. Aside from this, a few minor points about the Homeworld. I was thinking of making them sort of like the Interex or the Auretian Technocracy, except instead of being utterly annihilated(like everyone else) they are accepted. If that doesn't work, I don't have a problem changing it! ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896035 Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Updated with some new ideas and some revised ones! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896135 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkangilos Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 they expanded their technology using an STC PURGE THE HERETICS!!!...ahem...excuse me. First of all, STCs aren't just things one happens across. They're rare. Like a pizza topping that everyone loves rare. Second, nobody (especially not an entire world) gets away with keeping technology that Mars doesn't have. As soon as anyone caught wind of this, the place would be swarming with Imperial authority like teenage girls at a Justin Beber concert. I'd leave this part out. Well, actually, they might be able to get away with keeping one secret, or away from the Tech Priests. The Blood Angels AND their successors have kept their Baal class STC away from the Ad Mech, and the Ad Mech hated it, but they had enough influence, or in the case of the successor chapters, were allied with a very influencial chapter to make the Ad Mech thing twice before attacking. I am not saying it would be easy, but they could, in theory, get away with not giving it to Mars should it be kept secret, or they have some VERY powerful friends. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896283 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKO Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Updated with some new ideas and some revised ones! What sections did you re-work? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896301 Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Updated with some new ideas and some revised ones! What sections did you re-work? For the most part....all of them! I re-did most of the Origins, Homeworld, Organization, and Beliefs sections. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896306 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKO Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 It is alot clearer I actually understand what is going on at the previous edition I was kind of lost. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896405 Share on other sites More sharing options...
InquisitorHayn Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Ave, brother! I just started reading your revised post and I am impressed. Much better by leaps and bounds. And now for round two. DING! Origins: Ah. I see you went with the frozen rock option. I'm eager to see how you develop it. Just a couple of things in this section to note. Two Devastators, 2 Assault, 2 Tactical marines, a Chaplain, a Librarian, an Apothecary and a Scout Sgt This list really doesn't add anything to the piece. Having been selected to train an entire Chapter of warriors, the cadre would generally be expected to be multi-talented experts. On the way to the moon, they were attacked by a Dark Eldar pirate ship... This one is my fault. Description is a good thing, but usually not when it comes to battles for several reasons. First, we'd need pages to describe a battle to equal the reader's imagination and we just don't have that luxury. Second, (specific to your case) Eldar ships are typically faster and more maneuverable than their Imperial counterparts whereas we tend to have the edge in firepower and durability. It would be easier to just give a quick blurb about a fierce battle using a few dark words to make the conflict sound important. Landing on Daellos was easy, building a fortress-monastery in the almost inhospitable was almost impossible. You just planted a setup and left us hanging. Don't tease us like that. We're sensitive. :P A message was broadcast constantly during their travels in High Gothic and Low Gothic Irrelevant. There are so many dialects across the planets of the Imperium that it'd be like finding a needle in a field full of unbaled hay. Let the established universe work for you. Just say your astropath made contact/located nearby signs of civilization. Homeworld: While the material here is good, it doesn't really tell us about the current state of the world. Once you trim the fat from the Origins section you could potentially use this there to provide some more flesh to your Chapter's background. In this section, I'd recommend keeping the history brief and telling us what's going down on the planet right now and how your Chapter interacts with those events. Combat Doctrine: I'll start by saying that Konkin's quote is awesome. Every time I read it, I imagine an old, wiry Slavic fellow standing on the stoop of his house, his piercing gaze fixed far into the distance and yelling over his shoulder,"Olga! Find me something to kill with!" While not able to produce the sheer terror or volume of fire as a line of bolters, the Rus Guard have become just as effective. Fantastic. Now tell us how. What do they do to make up for their lack of superior armament? Organization: They have managed to rescue most of the geneseed from their fallen brothers and it sits, waiting for the chance to be implanted into initiates. Move this to the Geneseed section and tell us about it. This is possibly one of the most pivotal points in the story of your dying Chapter. This is their bleak, but still extant future. How does your one Apothecary manage to retrieve it all? How does the Chapter keep it from the hands of the enemy? Is it secret? Is it safe? Mikhail Makarov is still the Chapter Master in command of the troops at the Eye of Terror and refuses to return until Chaos has been removed from the Cadian Gate. Why? This could be a great hook in your Chapter's story. Your Chapter Master is choosing the likely death of half his Chapter and the loss of his homeworld over abandoning the Crusade. There must be a REALLY good reason. And o, how the boys back home must HATE him. Or do they even know? Has he just broken contact and they're left to wonder why? You have a brilliant tendency to set yourself up with killer hooks...and then you don't exploit them. I'm feeling somewhat like Mick Jagger, Rocket. I can't get no satisfaction. Beliefs: Ah. Now I see why the Chapter Master won't come back. He gave his word that he'd win. Well that really bit him in the tookus didn't it? It must be tearing him apart to have to choose between his Brothers and his honor. And I can't imagine how the Marines on Novgorod must feel. Huh. Geneseed: I'd say it, but you already know what it is, don't you? ;) Battle Cry: Honestly, I think the intro kinda kills the mood. Just cut to the battle cry and I promise you every reader is going to say it out loud. They might even shout it and smash something. It's that cool. That's it. I hope this helps you out. It's been an absolute pleasure to read through this because I love the base concept so much. That's the reason I urge you to elaborate so often. There's so much potential for epic storytelling here. Granted, we aren't here to be writing novels, but trimming comes later once you've gotten what you can get from it. Excellent work, mate. Keep it up. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2896436 Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Finally got an update done. With a fresh new quote for InquisitorHayn. ^_^ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2898747 Share on other sites More sharing options...
InquisitorHayn Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Finally got an update done. With a fresh new quote for InquisitorHayn. ;) And I read every one with a little bit of glee and a heavy Russian accent. Love it. :) Your ideas are coming along so well. I have to admit, and this doesn't happen often for me with IAs, but I fell in love with this story because it has so much powerful emotion. One of the most difficult parts of writing these is to remember the human element. To remember that these are men, albeit superhuman men, with human souls subject to the passion and the suffering that we all share. It's what lets the reader imagine what it's like to be the character. I like your direction. And I especially like the new sidebar. I...got...chills. Good ones. It's like the story of Luther and the Lion, without all the mystery that leaves you wondering what happened. This is real. The way you describe it makes it plain that Zevras is fighting himself not to succumb to hate...and losing. The depth of rage and helplessness at knowing that those you are charged to protect are all going to die. And that their Brothers could easily save them, but they won't. And that, at one time, you might have done the same thing. It's unimaginable. It's awesome. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here, and I will be following it every step of the way. Unfortunately, this is where I have to stop. Don't want to color this too much with my opinions. This is your piece and the point of the IA is for you to discover your Chapter. That said, see if you can't get some of these lurkers out here to chime in. It's always good to have multiple views. I'm not the best advisor after the fluff compliance and concept development stage anyway. If somebody wrote a wicked cool, 50 page encyclopedia of an IA, I'd read it. :D So I'll let someone else help you with cutting it down but, if you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to give you an answer. Hope I've been able to help. Good luck! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-2899133 Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketsredbear Posted April 15, 2013 Author Share Posted April 15, 2013 I've decided to make some changes, I am sure I messed up some of the formatting. I will make sure to correct those mistakes after some sleep. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/240002-the-rus-guard/#findComment-3349943 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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