A cynical View of the Primarchs...and then some.

[2.71828]

The worst of all Leman Russ, who is the greatest boorish bully and for whom Khorne awaits should he for one second forget loyalty for wrath, mistake it for self-righteousness and glory – he who is defenceless against words and a coward of self-mastery. He would become nothing but his own undoing if it were not for the grace of a flaccid parent and eighteen tolerant brothers. Has nought but disdain for academic competence due to his profound dyslexia. Not intelligent or aesthetically tolerable, but even more so stupid than ugly. Despite being implanted with his regenerative gene-seed, most of his chapter still show signs of foetal alcohol syndrome.

 

Sanguinius, the opulent dowdy of purity. Tries too hard. Self-righteous and earnest beyond the fault of Lorgar but too apathetic for this vice to cause significant insult. Not very intelligent.

 

Fulgrim, an effeminate dandy, a narcissistic hedonist with a greater eye for perfection than practicality. Can be as easily upset with a tin of paint as with a furious martial attack. Has more in common with a typical fourteen year old girl than that which his leadership asks of him.

 

Horus. Cocky and snide. Languid by his father’s side, a desperate small child trapped within the body of a super-human genomic experiment. Cannot handle responsibility, delegates too often, incapable of the significantly important human trait of altruism. Demands attention like the impeding ardency of tight underwear.

 

Lorgar. Unsubtle, impatient and arduously blunt. Suffers from inconsolable colic, though he is a man. Argues rather than debates, which is only one stratum elevated from Russ. Won’t shut the hell up.

 

Lion El- Johnson. Suffers from two-dimensional personality disorder; hides his fears very well rather than facing them as he would have everyone else believe. Not as unlikable as the others. Very human.

 

Conrad Kurtze. A skulky adolescent psychology with a psychotic fascination with vengeance and a cliché penchant for dark theatrical performances. Would do well to learn from his brother, Corax regarding strategies involving sabotage and justice. Suffers from attention deficit disorder.

 

Vulcan, genuine and hard-working. Largely unobtrusive and inoffensive. Mediocre in all of his ventures and mediocre at best.

 

Jagatai Kahn, pesky, irritating and hyperactive. Has a clear case of small-dog syndrome. Relies completely on others for support as a leader, incapable of sustained rational thought, which is still better than none at all.

 

Angron. Not capable of rational thought. Has never fought one. A joke. Should have been a comedian. Poor communication skills have resulted in his value equivalence bearing the same as that of a tank.

 

Alpharius and Omegon. The ultimate tag-team. In his own head. To everyone else he is a damaged vessel and gets under everyone else’s feet, except for Mortarion, who gets under his.

 

Perturabo. Attention-seeking and spiteful ; another telling sign of chronic immaturity. Still regards war as a ‘game’, should consider a relationship with Angron.

 

Mortarion. Thrives on melodrama and likes to create this wherever he goes. Should consider soap-opera acting over leadership, the former he is better suited to. Should consider a relationship with Konrad Kurtze when not sulking in a coffin-shaped bunk-bed. Needs to join Russ for dinner.

 

Ferrus Manus. The most emotive transhumanist ever to embarrass the mechanicum. Lost his head to a make-up wearing circus act self-entitled ‘erection to perfection’. He never happened.

 

Corax. A pitiful waste of space. Worse that his capabilities exceeded his own will. Heart in the right place but head still up his arse.

 

Rogal Dorn. Self-assured, steadfast, indomitable and an extension of the emperor’s right hand. That is the description of his action figure. The real Rogal Dorn is tardy, bad-tempered and distastefully sentimental. This navel-gazing self-obsessive blames himself for all wrongs because everyone else is too busy pissing their name in the snow.

 

Robute Guilliman. Anal retentive, dogmatic and hopelessly boring. Spontaneously combusted out of an overload of excitement when Fulgrim propositioned him with a plethora of pointy objects, simultaneously. A tactical genius chronically lacking in common sense.

 

Magnus the ginger. Secret fan of Madonna to whom his breastplate bears tribute. Constantly red-faced from seething due to his failure to make it to the finals of university challenge. A bit leery. Can be found loitering around new age fairs over tables of crystals. Threatens to curse anyone who won't purchace his poorly-carved scarabs.

 

 

 

Azek Ahriman. The only individual who’s galaxy-wide search for knowledge should be accompanied by Benny Hill music.

 

Abbaddon the Despoiler. Failbaddon. Very self-conscious. Wears lifts in his orthopaedic rehab boots and an unnecessarily tall top-knot to curb his sense of vertically-challenged inadequacy. Kicks old cats and snatches sweets from children.

[Yaj]

Amusing.

 

Rogal Dorn. Self-assured, steadfast, indomitable and an extension of the emperor’s right hand. That is the description of his action figure. The real Rogal Dorn is tardy, bad-tempered and distastefully sentimental.

 

I'm strongly thinking of siging this.

[WatchCaptainAzrael]

I lol'd.

[Brother Augustine]

What he said

[Pale Maw]

Love the views on Angron and Mortarion

[deathspectersgt7]

Love it !!!