IA: Sons of the Silver Lantern

[Be26]

[in doing my research for this, I went looking for the other IA I posted. I've only just got back into the game after quite a hiatus, but I genuinely didn't realise I'd been away for quite so long. I posted that four and a half years ago, fer Chrissake! I was nineteen at the time, I'd just turned it, and now I feel old. Anyway. Hi. I'd be amazed if you recognised my name, so let's pretend I'm brand new all over again and I'm posting my first IA entry. This one is not even close to complete - even if I leave the history section as it is, I'm missing Combat Doctrine, Battle Cries, Appearance and Heraldry and probably some other stuff too - and I'm probably going to have to change the order around, but there's still plenty there and I figure while I'm coming up with the stuff that's not there, I can let people have at the stuff that IS here. It'd be nice if it didn't get savaged, but you can't always get what you want.

 

Fire at will.]

 

---

 

"In the name of the Immortal Emperor, stand and shine your light into the darkness. For evil beasts cannot stand the light…the light of the Silver Lantern!”

The oath traditionally spoken on the eve of battle, first attributed to Commander Stíofán ó Breislin.

 

===

 

Origins

“It is a fantastic tale, my lord, and I accept your skepticism. But who are we to dismiss the will of the Emperor?”

Captain Padraig ó Ceallaigh, speaking to Rudolf Erhlichmann, Chapter Master of the Iron Raiders

 

Despite being repelled three times previously, Abaddon the Despoiler launched his fourth Black Crusade at the dawn of the thirty-fourth millennium, emerging from the Eye of Terror and striking out towards Holy Terra with renewed intent. Though fierce and violent, his previous attacks lacked inertia and proved unable to cope with the attrition of the many minor battles the warbands would inevitably pick along the way - from the moment he descended upon Imperial space for the fourth time, however, it was obvious the Warmaster was serious.

 

Entire legions of Traitor Marines fought side by side with conclaves of greater daemons and all four of the Ruinous Powers bestowed their unholy blessings upon the Crusade as it swatted aside the forces mobilised to halt Abaddon’s progress with contemptuous ease. The carnage left in it’s wake was terrible, with entire planets being reduced to ashes and humanity’s so-called protectors seemingly powerless to stop it.

 

In reply and more than a little desperation, the Imperium concluded that the defences already in place at the systems most likely to be attacked next required urgent and drastic reinforcement in the face of the most dangerous threat to present itself in recent history, and an emergency recall order was issued. All across the galaxy, chapters of the Adeptus Astartes abandoned their campaigns in the furthest-flung regions of known space to answer the call, joined by many tens of thousands of Imperial Guardsmen. Among the former were the Iron Raiders, a Third Founding chapter whose campaign within the Maelstrom had left them significantly below Codex strength.

 

To this day, it is not understood why Abaddon elected to make the planet of El’Phanor the next target of his gargantuan warband. Though a world of abundant mineral resources and some strategic importance, the planet had only recently been reclassified a Medieval world as the indigenous people were many thousands of years behind the Imperium technologically; the only thing that set the planet apart was the Citadel of Kromarch , a gigantic monument the eponymous Kromarch forced his enslaved populace to construct such that he might be remembered upon his death (which occurred moments after it was deemed complete, when he was crushed by a falling spire).

 

With the Iron Raiders below strength and lacking some of their previous armoured capability, the Imperial high command bolstered them with the 137th and 138th Mordian regiments and even went as far as allowing the use of a colossal Warlord Battle Titan in the planet’s defence. Although untruthful rumours were whispered about the Citadel being home to a Daemonic artefact of terrifying power that would vest upon Abaddon the power of a living god, nobody understands why the Imperium chose to defend El’Phanor with such a great force.

 

Indeed, scholars of the Black Crusades have gently implied that El’Phanor was the victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy - the current theory is simply that somebody in Imperial command was convinced that El’Phanor was Abaddon’s next target, and the relative over-prioritisation of a planet he otherwise would have ignored caught the Despoiler’s attention, leading him to believe the heightened Imperial interest implied El’Phanor was of some strategic importance and, hence, would be best destroyed.

 

Descending on the planet like a living nightmare, the battle raged for four full days and nights without pause. Although Abaddon saw his forces sustain so many thousands of casualties that he was forced to retreat into the Eye of Terror, it came at a high cost - both Mordian regiments were slaughtered to a man, the Citadel was reduced to a mountain of rubble and a total of just three Iron Raiders were still alive when the fleet departed.

 

Though two of those Marines would die shortly after in captivity aboard Abaddon’s flagship Hand of Minnegohn, the third – a Marine named Padraig ó Ceallaigh, Captain of the Fourth Company – had been grievously wounded and left to die amidst the carnage of the battlefield. As the story is told, it was as Captain Ceallaigh lay bleeding to death that a vision appeared to him. First, it appeared as a blinding light, so bright that it burned out the visual sensors in his helmet and forced him to cast it aside but then became soft enough to look on with the naked eye, then as a shining silver lantern far away on the horizon.

 

Finding himself compelled to follow, Ceallaigh got to his feet and forced himself to walk in spite of his many injuries, supporting himself using a discarded chainaxe – even as the red sun dropped below the horizon, he kept going until he collapsed out of sheer exhaustion. Pulling himself into the wreckage of what was once a Hellhammer tank to await death, Ceallaigh discovered the tank’s still-operational vox unit; giving thanks to the Emperor for leading him to salvation, the Marine was able to contact a passing ship belonging to the Reclaimers and was rescued shortly after.

 

Although the Apothecary who treated his wounds dismissed his visions as being simply hallucinations brought on from the physical stress of the battle, Ceallaigh was a changed man. His formerly-unecclesiastical nature was not uncommon among the Iron Raiders, and to a degree was even encouraged by his superiors, but he became convinced that he had been saved by nothing short of divine intervention and the story passed into that of galactic folklore.

 

Gripped by his new-found religious fervour, his first act once healed was to mark his armour with a stylised silver lantern that swiftly became his own personal insignia and, as if determined to keep the spirit and the memories of the Iron Raiders alive, set himself apart as a soldier who fully deserved his elevated rank. However, his tendency to evangelise about his religious experience to those around him made him few friends within the Reclaimers, who were themselves not unlike the Iron Raiders in their general disdain for spirituality and love for the Emperor as anybody more than a symbol of martial prowess.

 

Through the years Captain Ceallaigh clashed more and more with the combat doctrines and general conduct the Reclaimers displayed and encouraged. Where they were, at best, lax about preventing unnecessary collateral damage, Ceallaigh was convinced that for the Adeptus Astartes to act like thugs was a perversion of the role they were created for – to protect the Imperium from the many threats they now faced. If they were happy to kill and maim innocent humans with abandon, he argued, what set them apart from the Xenos menace? Angels of death though they were, surely their duty was to the defence of the Emperor and those who worshipped him ahead of all else?

 

It is most unlikely the High Lords of Terra were aware of the situation when they elected to set the wheels of the Seventh Great Founding in motion, but the Emperor moves in mysterious ways and Captain Ceallaigh was among those chosen to lead one of the new chapters; though there were dissenters who claimed the new Chapter Master was over-zealous and his newfound fervour made him unsuitable for high command, their concerns were overruled by the greater majority. With the Adeptus Astartes beleaguered and below strength, the Sons of the Silver Lantern were born.

 

===

 

Homeworld

“Boo hoo, your planet got blown up, that’s a Guardsman’s complaint. Did I cry when the Inquisition ordered Malfi virus-bombed? Can you reason with a Tyranid? I don’t think so.”

Master Sergeant Tomás Lehane, addressing a number of new recruits.

 

Sitting on the far outskirts of the Segmentum Obscurus, the Apiaton system has long been seen as something of an astronomical anomaly, being one of the few binary star systems containing planets that are able to support sentient life. Although officially designated Apiaton Alpha and Beta, the stars are informally known as Disertus and Ignara (crudely translated, the High Gothic words for “master” and “pupil”) due to the marked differences between the two - Disertus is a red giant, much larger and cooler than the blue-white Ignara, and exerts the larger gravitational pull on the system’s five planets. Nearby systems of note include Kaelor, the isolated and unfriendly Eldar Craftworld; Scintilla, capitol of the Calixis Sector and a hive world with a population in excess of twenty-five billion; and Zel Primus, homeworld of the White Hands.

 

Of the system’s five planets, only Apiaton II is inhabited, although Apiation III is theoretically capable of supporting human life. Neither is close to a paradise - Apiaton III rarely sees temperatures above freezing and is classified an ice world accordingly, while Apiaton II, despite being little more than a single astronomical unit closer to the two stars, is a small desert world notable for the ferocity and duration of the occasional sandstorms - but nor do they reach the extremes of their brethren. Apiaton V was briefly considered for a mining project, but the glacial climate and that the deposits of minerals were relatively scarce led to the scheme being rejected almost as quickly as it was proposed.

 

The tribes that call Apiaton II home, while not advanced, have long since progressed past the days of waging war with sticks and stones and have developed what could roundly be approximated to a feudal system. Each tribe is under the command of a sinsear - most commonly a warrior as he is expected to be the first to ride out in defense of the community - who is then responsible for the welfare of those under his rule, known as his daor, and is in turn repaid by their loyalty and servitude. Although values and culture varies from tribe to tribe, one of the unifying factors is an overwhelming sense of community spirit. which has spilled over to become one of the Sons’ creeds as the proportion of recruits taken from Apiaton II has grown.

 

Like many feudal societies across history, power struggles, both within and between tribes, are common and it is a rare occurrence for the whole civilisation to be completely at peace, which has helped create a race of hardy warriors capable of surviving and thriving at temperatures an ordinary human would find it difficult to operate at any level in, but of particular note is the role religion has played in the development of this society. The Apiaton system was discovered around half a millennium before the onset of the Fourth Black Crusade, when an escape pod containing an unnamed Imperial Fist landed on the planet’s surface, where he was seen as some kind of god by the primitive natives.

 

The tales spread into folklore and formed the basis of a religion and, by the time of the Seventh Founding, the lone Marine had become a legend so ingrained in the society’s consciousness that dissenters simply did not exist. Individual interpretations did differ, however - when the Sons of the Silver Lantern were formed and made landfall on their newly-granted homeworld, reactions were mixed. Some tribes, having been taught that the Imperial Fist was a harbinger of death whose return would bring about apocalypse, reacted with terrified subjugation; others saw it as a sign of a divine blessing; some few questioned why the newcomers were not bedecked in the gleaming golden raiment that they had been taught to expect.

 

It was the quick-thinking Sergeant Lucian Teuthras who became the chapter’s envoy with the rest of the world. A gifted student in his youth before becoming a Reclaimer, Teuthras visited each tribe in succession, asking about their history, that of the world in general and particularly, their interpretation of the lone Marine. Initially baffled by their status as gods, as his journey continued Teuthras came to understand better and, after consulting with Commander Ceallaigh, began to spread the revised word: yes, the lone Marine was a god, and the Sons themselves were his scions, the chosen who were blessed with his majesty and afforded the chance to serve him for the rest of their lives. With Teuthras’ silver tongue telling the tales of the Emperor and his enemies, Apiaton II quickly became followers of the Emperor as devout as any.

 

===

 

Beliefs

“What separates us from you, Rand? You fight against the traitors, against the heretics, against the xenos. We fight for humanity.”

Forge-Captain Ruiari ó Móráin, to Captain Jonatan Rand of the Howling Hounds on Dimmamar Minor

 

It is an interesting fact that the attitudes of the Adeptus Astartes towards the Emperor have shifted as the millennia have passed. In the years immediately following the Horus Heresy, finding a single Marine who believed the Emperor was anything other than a god given human form to defend His people against the Ruinous Powers would have been a near-impossible task, but as time wore on, the beliefs shifted. Newer Marines were taught and themselves taught that the Emperor was not a god but a man - the very pinnacle of what humanity and the Adeptus Astartes could strive to achieve, yes, but a man nonetheless - and the devout became more and more difficult to find.

 

In this sense, the Sons are a rarity. Although the Reclaimers were not an ecclestiastical chapter, Commander Ceallaigh’s training cadre was nonetheless comprised largely from Marines who shared his faith in the Emperor as an almighty power to some degree, if not quite as staunchly as the Commander himself, and from the moment recruits were brought into the fold they were told tales of the Emperor, sitting on His Golden Throne and watching over His flock as they sought to drive back the forces of evil and spread His word. Combined with Sergeant Teuthras’ excellent work at converting the natives of Apiaton II, the newest Sons made for the perfect crusaders - staunch believers in the Emperor’s plan, they were willing to hurl themselves into the most dangerous situations in the knowledge that if they were to die,

 

The absolute core of the Sons’ credo is a simple one - in becoming a Marine, each man accepts that he gives his life willingly in the service of the Emperor, that he dedicates himself to the protection of the Imperium and that this is the highest duty he could ever hope to fulfil. While similar to the foundations of many chapters’ belief structure, the difference is a subtle one: where others devote themselves to aggression and the eradication of the Emperor’s enemies no matter what the cost, the Sons are guardians above all. The defense of humanity is the most important thing of all and, if a plan of action has too high a human cost attached to it, the Sons will do all they can to avoid it. If sacrifices are unavoidable they will be made, but only when their brightest tactical minds have exhausted all other possibilities, up to and including risking ambushes.

 

An excellent illustration of the difference in ideologies comes from one of the Sons’ earliest conflicts. Though still comparatively under-strength, the Sons were called to battle in Dimmamar, another Segmentum Obscurus system, to aid the Mordian 17th Iron Guard. The vast mineral deposits on Dimmamar Minor made it a world of some importance, but a combination of its proximity to the Storm of the Emperor’s Wrath and relative isolation had made it a target in the past for the Ruinous Powers. In this instance, the evil spirits of the Thousand Sons had turned their gaze upon Dimmamar and, lead by the Daemon Prince Riek’Wah’kmn, were seemingly intent on turning the entire planet to dust.

 

With the strength of the Mordian armour, a battalion of Howling Hounds fighting alongside them and righteous hatred for those who turned their backs on the Emperor spurring them on, the Sons laid waste to the Traitor Marines and the assorted rabble tagging along until reaching the end of the line - the city of Jeske. Jeske, one of the planet’s largest centres of population, had gone dark early in the campaign and, upon reaching it, the reason why was obvious: the troops of Chaos had swarmed it, turned it into their base camp and appeared firmly entrenched.

 

The path of action would have been clear but for one wrinkle: with Jeske silent, nobody knew the status of the city’s population, and an argument between the Howling Hounds’ Captain Jonatan Rand and Forge-Captain Ruiari ó Móráin - leaders of the two forces - over tactics nearly ended in violence. Captain Rand maintained the Codex was clear and that sending Marines into the city when it could easily be demolished from afar was a fool’s errand, regardless of the potential casualties, provoking Forge-Captain Móráin to reply with a speech culminating in his famous quote.

 

Accusing him of being foolhardy and reckless, Rand only acquiesced when it was pointed out his men were technically under Móráin’s command but insisted the Sons took point on the mission. Although the lack of intelligence proved costly and Móráin was unable to deliver the killing blow on the Daemon Prince, his decision was vindicated - there had been significant casualties among the civilians, but the warband had not even touched the subterranean levels where the majority of the populace lived and destroying the entire city would have doomed them to an avoidable death.

 

One of the more unifying factors among the Adeptus Astartes is still present with the Sons, however, as they have a keenly-developed sense of martial honour and are slow to forget occasions they have tasted defeat. Duels - typically unarmed or with blunted swords - are common, both to resolve grievances and as a display of the combatant’s prowess, although duels for the former reason are never conducted between members of the chapter. With Captain Rand still slighted, he demanded Forge-Captain Móráin face him in the name of honour and, while Móráin was no slouch, Rand’s victory meant the relationship between the two chapters was soured no further. Relations warmed over the following years and, today, the Hounds are one of the Sons’ staunchest allies.

 

===

 

Geneseed and Physiology

“I will harden your hearts and I will hone your eyes. The rest is in the hands of the Emperor.”

Chief Apothecary Oscar ó Hiceadh

 

Despite innumerable attempts by Imperial scholars to uncover the truth, the full stories of many of the Great Foundings decreed by the High Lords are still as sketchy as they have ever been, and the Seventh is no different. Although it stands to reason that multiple chapters were given life, to date the only one specifically named as being part of the Seventh Founding besides the Sons are the Storm Dragons, and even this fact was only discovered as a footnote on an entry relating to the defense of Arceus, a system in the Segmentum Ultima. As a result, there has been some debate as to who the Sons are descended from and the presence of some genetic anomalies has not made the matter any clearer; the traits are thought to be unique.

 

The prevailing theory is that the Sons are descendants of Vulkan He’Stan, primarily because both chapters share a deformation in the Melanchromic Organ. In a normal Marine, the organ is expected to protect against radiation and darken the Marine’s skin if necessary, and it is in the latter quality that both chapters have obvious deficiencies; the Salamanders bear coal-black skin while the Sons simply do not exhibit any changes. As a result, it is extremely rare to see a Son take to the battlefield without his helmet in even the most desolate environments, particularly taking into account the diminished ability to absorb and tolerate high levels of radiation.

 

Further, the Occulobe does not develop to the fullest extent it is intended to, meaning the chapter’s Apothecaries are unable to perform as great a level of optic therapy on their subjects as normal, with the result that the Sons are significantly more reliant than other chapters on artificial means of improving sight - bionic eyes are the most common. Another quirk relates to the Progenoid - where the average Marine has two, one in the chest and one in the back of the neck, the Sons lack the former and see the latter mature in around three years rather than the normal five.

 

Other theories have linked them to the Ultramarines, the Raven Guard and the Iron Hands, although the only one to be considered particularly credible is the latter and even that is heavily based in the Sons’ love of heavy ordnance, which critics have pointed out was itself influenced by the chapter’s predecessor. There is also a growing movement that links them with the Blood Ravens - though the mutations are not shared, the fact both display traits that are ostensibly unique to their strain of geneseed lead some to believe they share a common progenitor.

 

===

 

Chapter Structure

“Some may call this heresy.”

“ Let them. Our successes will speak for themselves.”

Commander Ceallaigh to Captain Iarlaith de Buitléir

 

Though a little below recommended strength - excluding initiates, there are eight and nine hundred Marines currently in the chapter - the Sons are roundly Codex-adherent with one notable deviation. Each of the ten companies is led by a Captain, who will typically have a Magister, an Episcopus (the chapter’s preferred names for Librarian and Chaplain, respectively), a Techmarine and an Apothecary supporting him in the chain of command, and the Marines under the Captain’s command are split into squads at his discretion. Companies expect and are expected to operate autonomously when out of contact with the Commander, although in practice this is not a common occurrence.

 

The deviation relates to the Sons’ squad tactics. For the vast majority of chapters, once a Marine is accepted into a chapter and bequeathed his suit of power armour, he is then placed into a squad which he will not leave. Unless he is deemed worthy of promotion, that Marine fights with his squad for the rest of his life - Guilliman’s theory is that, by fighting alongside the same men time after time after time, the Marine is able to develop an intense bond with his squadmates, allowing them to operate at an even higher level than normal. The counter-argument relates to casualties: while it is true that a tightly-bound squad can do untold damage to its enemies, the danger is that if one falls the remaining members of the squad, having become used to their fallen brother’s presence, will be less effective.

 

Hence, the Sons have done away with the idea of ‘squad for life’ - instead, both squads and companies are shuffled frequently, squads on nearly a daily basis, companies less frequently. One Marine, in his time, will serve with nearly every other Marine in the chapter. The theory is that, while each Marine can trust his squadmates to take care of business, they will never develop the complacency that comes with constantly fighting with the same Marines and be more vigilant as a result. Naturally, companies only exchange Marines on rare occasions when both are in the same place, with typically around half the number of the smaller company joining the other. As a result, the Sons maintain no system of company or squad markings out of simplicity.

[GhostLegion]

Hmmm…where to begin….

 

Well lets just start with formatting. While it is true that you just posted this, it is clear you’ve spent some time thinking, reviewing and crafting the piece….would formatting the text with some breaks be too much to ask? This wall is rather thick and does hurt the eyes a touch….especially at the 8-9 pages (some strange coding lurking in there on translation) that you have here.

 

Overall I would say you have a solid foundation here, though there are several areas I suspect you could improve with a quick revision or readdressing of the content and flow. My main point of contention is with your new leader here… I do not see anything special about him…he survived…so what? Sure, he was the only uncaptured survivor of a rather large battle, but I do not see how this makes him stand out in any way, shape, or form. He did his job. Not very well (from what I can see in the write up here), but he did his job. He was expected to do this. Why is he so special that he gets to lead a chapter and shape its core foundation? This justification I do not see. Maybe it is just me though.

 

 

Now then….

 

Iron Raiders?....oh wait…you buried the change way down in there….

 

Simplify sentences a touch: constructs like

“Among the former were the Iron Raiders - a chapter created as part of the Third Great Founding and, as their name implies, descended from Iron Hands Primarch Ferrus Manus himself - who found themselves deployed to the planet of El’Phanor despite their prolonged campaign within the Maelstrom having reduced them to less than half Codex strength.”

 

are quite long and oddly constructed and constitute an unfortunate eyeball kick to the reader (there are a couple other eyeball kicks throughout, but these constructs are the most egregious to me). It would be far simpler and easy for the reader if you were to break this into several sentences. Remember…you want the reader to get through the content and understand the chapter, not run from the assault of text. This same concept applies to a significant number of your paragraph constructs. Remember that forum writing is far different from what should be seen on a printed page…

 

“To this day, it is not understood why Abaddon elected to make the planet of El’Phanor the next target of his gargantuan warband.”

...you don’t need this comma…

 

“Though a world of abundant mineral resources and some strategic importance”

I am personally neither certain nor uncertain as to the validity of this statement based on what I have seen in the 3rd ed Chaos Codex, nor the Liber Chaotica… the watered down statement in the Lexicanum based on these (http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/4th_Black_Crusade) suggests the world was relatively well protected before the attack… buuut, for my part I really have no issues with how you are fleshing out this bit of hanging fluff…so long as you are prepared for a severe retcon should it ever be addressed though canon. 

“for the Emperor as anybody more than a symbol of martial prowess”

Personally, I would change this to anything instead of anybody…

 

“markedly fundamentalist traits”

Hmmm. You define this character as becoming religious, then describe him with a term which requires a baseline of religiosity to begin with. While this might work well in an area where religion is encouraged, I think it feels out of place in this instance. It is true that the Cult of the Emperor exists in 40K and at the time period you are inferring, however there is still the problem of the consistency with which the Imperium discourages religion and mythologies in favor of technological and human achievement (I purposely leave science out as the Cult of the Machine is quite different here). Yes yes, I understand that the Imperial Cult is indeed religion…however, I do think you would be better served to specifically state these reservations were against the character having such profound and new religious tendencies, as opposed to swaying to one end of the religious spectrum or another.

 

“ boo hoo, your planet got”

… really? This quote hurts…

 

“(crudely translated, the High Gothic words for “master” and “pupil”)”

…you don’t need this. At all. In fact, it pulls the reader out of any flow they had with the overall piece so far. In fact, now that I look at it more, this whole paragraph feels out of place. I am not sure you need it at all.

 

“discovered around half a millennium before the onset of the Fourth Black Crusade, when an escape pod containing an unnamed Imperial Fist landed on the planet’s surface, where he was seen as some kind of god by the primitive natives.”

First, I would point out that changing the word before to prior to in this section would bring this section more in line with paragraphs above. I would further point out that this sentence reads quite differently from the rest of the piece and feels like an afterthought which you haven’t fully figured out for yourself yet.

 

“It is an interesting fact that the attitudes of the Adeptus Astartes towards the Emperor have shifted as the millennia have passed.”

….why?…what does this have to do with anything you are bringing up? This complete flip from other sections and areas of discussion does not feel at all relevant or constructive to the defining of a chapter here….

 

…based on…not in. just a quick hit there. Places and people can be based in things or locations. Thoughts, arguments, and the like get based on a foundation…like a building…sort of… though this may be a grammatical difference depending on which version of English is being used (unfortunately, I am not that well versed in the differences and vagaries of the English dialects).

 

“there are eight and nine hundred Marines currently in the chapter”

….sadly this can be read two ways. Either there are 908 marines in the chapter, or there are 1700 marines in the chapter. Worse, there is a third reading which would have you believe there are two chapters of marines with this name and background constituting a total of 1700 marines… and again the parenthetical offset hurts…

 

Hmm…so a marine wont leave his squad…unless he leaves his squad? I would reword this a touch. I would also change squadmates for battle-brothers, sounds less ‘guardy’ that way.

 

“One Marine, in his time, will serve with nearly every other Marine in the chapter”

Personally, I cannot let this stand. I highly recommend altering this to read something like: “Each marine will serve with nearly every other marine in the chapter.” Much simpler this way and still retains the same meaning. However, I would further recommend rewording this paragraph as the format feels out of place against the bulk of the write up.

 

 

 

As ever, take anything I offer with a grain of salt. If you like it, fine. If it helps you, great. If youd rather just ignore my comments…well that’s fine too.

[WeaponAdept]

:D :) :P

[Be26]

Mm, it did come out rather chunkier than I was hoping.

 

My main point of contention is with your new leader here… I do not see anything special about him…he survived…so what?

 

Thing is, it's not 'he survived -> he became chapter master', there's at least two more steps in between. He survives the battle, he gets the vision and it acts as a religious epiphany - compare Paul the Apostle. He goes from 'generally a bit lax about the whole religion thing' to 'fervent warrior of God', except he's still operating with a chapter that's the former and newfound religion doesn't make him any particular friends. It provides some background on him and, in doing so, some about the Sons.

 

He did his job. Not very well (from what I can see in the write up here), but he did his job.

 

That's just not really true: "...and, as if determined to keep the spirit and the memories of the Iron Raiders alive, set himself apart as a soldier who fully deserved his elevated rank." I didn't wax lyrical about the hundreds of battles he single-handedly won because that should be enough. He is an excellent soldier, fully deserving of his rank, and he was picked to lead a chapter - I don't think there needs to be anything else.

 

Iron Raiders?....oh wait…you buried the change way down in there….

 

I don't understand what you mean.

 

...you don’t need this comma…

 

If you read the sentence out loud, it seems like a natural place to put a pause. I could get away without the comma in that sentence but I don't want a lot of longer sentences.

 

I am personally neither certain nor uncertain as to the validity of this statement based on what I have seen in the 3rd ed Chaos Codex, nor the Liber Chaotica… the watered down statement in the Lexicanum based on these (http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/4th_Black_Crusade) suggests the world was relatively well protected before the attack… buuut, for my part I really have no issues with how you are fleshing out this bit of hanging fluff…so long as you are prepared for a severe retcon should it ever be addressed though canon. 

 

I picked the 4th Crusade mostly because it was a bit of hanging fluff. If it gets addressed in canon, I can move some dates and change some names, it's not a huge problem.

 

the character having such profound and new religious tendencies, as opposed to swaying to one end of the religious spectrum or another.

 

That was the broad intention - the fact is that he did effectively go from one end of the spectrum to the other - but there should be a neater way of putting it.

 

… really? This quote hurts…

 

Drill Sergeant Nasty. It's a time-honoured trope and I'll be damned if I couldn't work it in there. The quotes you will have to take with a pinch of salt, I'm afraid.

 

…you don’t need this. At all. In fact, it pulls the reader out of any flow they had with the overall piece so far. In fact, now that I look at it more, this whole paragraph feels out of place. I am not sure you need it at all.

 

It's all background on the homeworld, though. By no means critical background, although placing the system in the universe I think is an important thing to do, but things I thought would add flavour.

 

….why?…what does this have to do with anything you are bringing up? This complete flip from other sections and areas of discussion does not feel at all relevant or constructive to the defining of a chapter here….

 

The gist of a lot of the advice I've read, both in guides and in critiques of other IA entries, is that it's the deviations from the norm that make a chapter's character. I've seen a lot of people go into detail about their combat doctrine only to be dismissed with 'no, that's still codex, why are you telling us this'. In this case, the majority of chapters both canon and DIY are very much 'the Emperor was a man - pinnacle of humanity, but a man', and the point of that paragraph was to set up the norm and then show the Sons as a contrast, a chapter who believe strongly in the Emperor as divine being.

 

First, I would point out that changing the word before to prior to in this section would bring this section more in line with paragraphs above. I would further point out that this sentence reads quite differently from the rest of the piece and feels like an afterthought which you haven’t fully figured out for yourself yet.

 

Mm, that's true. It's not so much an afterthought as something that would benefit from restructuring the paragraphs.

 

…based on…not in. just a quick hit there.

 

Which bit is that relating to?

 

….sadly this can be read two ways. Either there are 908 marines in the chapter, or there are 1700 marines in the chapter. Worse, there is a third reading which would have you believe there are two chapters of marines with this name and background constituting a total of 1700 marines… and again the parenthetical offset hurts…

 

The more obvious answer is 'I missed a word'. It's meant to be "between eight and nine hundred". More specifically what's wrong with the offset? I start with a point (little under codex strength), deviate to elaborate on that (between eight and nine hundred, then dip back in, I thought that was the point of parentheses.

 

Personally, I cannot let this stand. I highly recommend altering this to read something like: “Each marine will serve with nearly every other marine in the chapter.” Much simpler this way and still retains the same meaning.

 

Eh. I see your point, but I don't think it needs simplifying too much.

 

However, I would further recommend rewording this paragraph as the format feels out of place against the bulk of the write up.

 

How so?

[Shinzaren]

Initial thoughts all revolve around the name. Every time I hear it, all I can think of is the Green Lantern Corps. Whether this is intentional or not, I don't know, but there it is.

[Be26]

Initial thoughts all revolve around the name. Every time I hear it, all I can think of is the Green Lantern Corps. Whether this is intentional or not, I don't know, but there it is.

 

Gleefully so, although beyond the name and the chapter symbol there is absolutely no crossover.

[NightrawenII]

Initial thoughts all revolve around the name. Every time I hear it, all I can think of is the Green Lantern Corps. Whether this is intentional or not, I don't know, but there it is.

Be. Glad.

Every time I see a *lantern*, I think *latrine*. Talk about weird associations. :)

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@Be26

Hello and welcome back from hiatus.

 

My comments and critique are going to be... not very friendly to say the least. I will keep it as polite as I can, but don't expect too much. No offence intended. :)

 

Hmmm…where to begin….

QFT.

 

Origins

“It is a fantastic tale, my lord, and I accept your skepticism. But who are we to dismiss the will of the Emperor?”

Captain Padraig ó Ceallaigh, speaking to Rudolf Erhlichmann, Chapter Master of the Iron Raiders

- If I do understand the following text correctly, then the Chapter Master of Iron Raiders is dead at this point, right?

 

Despite being repelled three times previously, Abaddon the Despoiler launched his fourth Black Crusade at the dawn of the thirty-fourth millennium, emerging from the Eye of Terror and striking out towards Holy Terra with renewed intent.

*snip*

Though two of those Marines would die shortly after in captivity aboard Abaddon’s flagship Hand of Minnegohn, the third – a Marine named Padraig ó Ceallaigh, Captain of the Fourth Company – had been grievously wounded and left to die amidst the carnage of the battlefield.

- Hmm... Why are you killing an irrelevant Chapter in irrelevant conflict?

+

Octaguide 2.0:

Do not piggyback on the official

Your deep and abiding affection for Logan Grimnar and Dante is understandable. However, they did not personally drag your Chapter Master's wounded body from the fray after he saved their lives. Nor was Calgar your Chapter Master's mentor, or his secret godfather. Your chapter should stand on its own - dragging in official characters or organizations simply so your chapter can show off only makes it seem like you can't write interesting and exciting characters without relying on someone else's work.

 

GW has in the past produced several campaigns that your DIY Chapter could actually have participated in – the Thirteenth Black Crusade and the Third War for Armageddon most notably. Though your Chapter obviously can have participated in these events, you should be careful to not draw attention to them particularly – do not mention them as too important, and ensure that you also mention other events they have participated in so that this example is not the focus. Personally, I feel it's bad form to claim your Chapter was present at campaigns you did not participate in, but that's a more personal caveat.

 

However, his tendency to evangelise about his religious experience to those around him made him few friends within the Reclaimers, who were themselves not unlike the Iron Raiders in their general disdain for spirituality and love for the Emperor as anybody more than a symbol of martial prowess. Through the years Captain Ceallaigh clashed more and more with the combat doctrines and general conduct the Reclaimers displayed and encouraged.

- And there you open a can of worms: What happens to Marine without Chapter? - The answer with the most support is the service in DeathWatch and if the Ceallaigh's ideas did clash with Reclaimers' ideas, then I don't think he would stay with this Chapter for long time.

- Btw, he makes a excellent material for Chaplain.

 

It is most unlikely the High Lords of Terra were aware of the situation when they elected to set the wheels of the Seventh Great Founding in motion, but the Emperor moves in mysterious ways and Captain Ceallaigh was among those chosen to lead one of the new chapters; though there were dissenters who claimed the new Chapter Master displayed markedly fundamentalist traits that made him unsuitable for high command, their concerns were overruled by the greater majority.

- What majority? Didn't you say something about *few friends* just a few sentences above?

+

Octaguide 2.0:

Jesus was derivative

If the New Testament were an IA, it'd be one of the least original ever (OK, it'd be one of the first and so that would be forgivable. And either Christianity or 40K would be very different. Work with me here). Everyone's wandering along, minding their own business, when suddenly, a Single Charismatic Figure appears, sweeping all before him and totally remaking the way Things Are Done. Then he gets nailed to a tree, and things get a little morose.

 

Still, the point is that a single person reshaping an existing system is far older than GW, and GW used it to death as well. The (usually) first Chapter Master who totally revolutionized the Chapter is not a new concept. Thus, much like a devastating event, it must be approached carefully.

 

The important thing is that he not be a deus ex machina, brought in to reshape your Chapter and having no character beyond that. Give him motivations. Give him quirks. Give him reasons. If an IA is going to focus on a single character, he needs to, well, be a character. Give him a story in a sidebar. Give him some quotes – preferably one at the first of the IA. And make them interesting and unique. When he does whatever exciting thing he's going to do, make sure to explore it fully and explain why he did it. For best results, use a bit of foreshadowing earlier in the IA – make his character clear, then show us the consequences of it.

 

Remember – if he is the first Chapter Master, he was likely chosen by his parent Chapter to mentor these new recruits. That means he will in all likelihood be an exemplar of that Chapter's doctrine and likely think the way they do. If he does not, it must be explained why he would be chosen for this great honor in spite of this.

 

If your single charismatic figure is dealing with some devastating event, make sure his character was well-established before the event and make sure that both he and the event are well-explained. Think through their interactions carefully – is this how he would react to this event? Why would he react this way? Is this different from the way other Space Marines would react? If so, why is he different from other Space Marines? As always, think it through.

 

Homeworld

Nearby systems of note include Kaelor, the isolated and unfriendly Eldar Craftworld; Scintilla, capitol of the Calixis Sector and a hive world with a population in excess of twenty-five billion; and Zel Primus, homeworld of the White Hands.

- Craftworld is a moving object, it doesn't stay in single place for long and if there is already one Chapter in area, then another is for all intents and purposes unnecessary overkill.

- Not, to mention. You really like name-dropping, don't you?

 

The Apiaton system was discovered around half a millennium before the onset of the Fourth Black Crusade, when an escape pod containing an unnamed Imperial Fist landed on the planet’s surface, where he was seen as some kind of god by the primitive natives.

- :huh: Explanation needed.

 

yes, the lone Marine was a god, and the Sons themselves were his scions, the chosen who were blessed with his majesty and afforded the chance to serve him for the rest of their lives. With Teuthras’ silver tongue telling the tales of the Emperor and his enemies, Apiaton II quickly became followers of the Emperor as devout as any.

- A example of weird juggling with the Faith, but whatever...

 

Beliefs

In the years immediately following the Horus Heresy, finding a single Marine who believed the Emperor was anything other than a god given human form to defend His people against the Ruinous Powers would have been a near-impossible task, but as time wore on, the beliefs shifted. Newer Marines were taught and themselves taught that the Emperor was not a god but a man - the very pinnacle of what humanity and the Adeptus Astartes could strive to achieve, yes, but a man nonetheless - and the devout became more and more difficult to find.

- This flies into face of Imperial Truth as told by the Lore and the newest Horus Heresy novels.

 

Combined with Sergeant Teuthras’ excellent work at converting the natives of Apiaton II, the newest Sons made for the perfect crusaders - staunch believers in the Emperor’s plan, they were willing to hurl themselves into the most dangerous situations in the knowledge that if they were to die, :RTBBB:

- There is something amiss.

 

An excellent illustration of the difference in ideologies comes from one of the Sons’ earliest conflicts. Though still comparatively under-strength, the Sons were called to battle in Dimmamar, another Segmentum Obscurus system, to aid the Mordian 17th Iron Guard. The vast mineral deposits on Dimmamar Minor made it a world of some importance, but a combination of its proximity to the Storm of the Emperor’s Wrath and relative isolation had made it a target in the past for the Ruinous Powers. In this instance, the evil spirits of the Thousand Sons had turned their gaze upon Dimmamar and, lead by the Daemon Prince Riek’Wah’kmn, were seemingly intent on turning the entire planet to dust.

- Dimmamar

- Storm of Emperor's Wrath didn't exist until after Age of Apostasy.

 

With the strength of the Mordian armour, a battalion of Howling Hounds fighting alongside them and righteous hatred for those who turned their backs on the Emperor spurring them on, the Sons laid waste to the Traitor Marines and the assorted rabble tagging along until reaching the end of the line - the city of Jeske.

- the Jeske.

 

One of the more unifying factors among the Adeptus Astartes is still present with the Sons, however, as they have a keenly-developed sense of martial honour and are slow to forget occasions they have tasted defeat. Duels - typically unarmed or with blunted swords - are common, both to resolve grievances and as a display of the combatant’s prowess, although duels for the former reason are never conducted between members of the chapter.

- Out of nowhere and quite pointless.

 

Geneseed and Physiology

Despite innumerable attempts by Imperial scholars to uncover the truth, the full stories of many of the Great Foundings decreed by the High Lords are still as sketchy as they have ever been, and the Seventh is no different. Although it stands to reason that multiple chapters were given life, to date the only one specifically named as being part of the Seventh Founding besides the Sons are the Storm Dragons, and even this fact was only discovered as a footnote on an entry relating to the defense of Arceus, a system in the Segmentum Ultima.

- Yeah, yeah... Nope.

- Note especially this part: This founding was the only in which the Adeptus Terra does not possess the original gene-seed of the founded Chapters.

 

The prevailing theory is that the Sons are descendants of Vulkan He’Stan, primarily because both chapters share a deformation in the Melanchromic Organ

- Vulkan He'stan is special character for Salamanders found in the last Codex: SM, the Primarch of Salamanders was just Vulkan.

 

Other theories have linked them to the Ultramarines, the Raven Guard and the Iron Hands, although the only one to be considered particularly credible is the latter and even that is heavily based in the Sons’ love of heavy ordnance, which critics have pointed out was itself influenced by the chapter’s predecessor. There is also a growing movement that links them with the Blood Ravens - though the mutations are not shared, the fact both display traits that are ostensibly unique to their strain of geneseed lead some to believe they share a common progenitor.

- I could buy the Ultramarines, but the others are just fallacy.

 

Chapter Structure

For the vast majority of chapters, once a Marine is accepted into a chapter and bequeathed his suit of power armour, he is then placed into a squad which he will not leave. Unless he is deemed worthy of promotion, that Marine fights with his squad for the rest of his life

- Not anymore. The marine goes from 10th->9th->8th->7th or 6th -> Battle co. -> 1st. The permanent assigment holds true only for Battle companies, the other assigments are semi-permanent.

 

---

Overall:

You know, after reading all of this and that's huge load for Index Astartes format no doubts. I'm still left wondering; Who are the SotSL?? I get that they fight for humanity, mainly because the IA spells it for me, but the rest of the text talks about things and places largely irrelevant or with connection to Chapter so thin, that it's almost embarrassing to talk about a connection.

I think, you should put more emphasis on "What and Who are the SotSL?". Also, don't forget the almighty WHY?.

 

 

Cheers, NightrawenII.