IA: Astral Swords

[SaltyOps]

Astral Swords

 

Battle Cry: “We Fight the Night!”, “Faith, Purity, Precision.”

 

Origins

During the early years of the 40th millennium the Imperium was beginning to slide into the Age of Waning. After the myriad crusades including the Abyssal Crusade and the Occlusiad that had been launched by the Imperium's military forces during the Age of Redemption the collective Imperial military might had been spread too thin. Worlds far and wide across the Emperor's domain found themselves inadequately defended and Ork Waaaghs, Chaos incursions and rebellions saw the loss of whole systems. With the possibility of more such losses being faced the Astartes were placed, with increasing frequency, in control of whole regions of the Galaxy. It was determined that only through the vastly superior military might of the Space Marine Chapters could the Administratum hope to maintain a hold on the more lawless reaches of space.

 

In 561M40 an invasion, later called the Nexxas Exculpation was launched by members of the traitorous 3rd Legion, the Emperor's Children. In response to this dire threat a complete Imperial army corps stood ready to halt the Chaos tide as well as the regional Inquisitorial conclave overseen by an Inquisitor Lord Matiare of the Ordo Malleus. After a long and arduous engagement the forces of Slaanesh were defeated and in the rubble, on the fallen body of one of the Children's Champions, a datafile was discovered. The contents of the datafile were kept a secret and only the highest ranking members of the Ordo Malleus were allowed access. In order to maintain secrecy, the corps was bombarded and destroyed from orbit by an Ordo Malleus war ship and Imperial records were revise d to blame the slaughter on renegade Eldar.

 

It was after the Nexxas Exculpation that, within the ranks of the High Lords of Terra, the Inquisitorial Representative began to push the organization's agenda for the creation of a new Space Marine Chapter. This confused the other members of the High Lords as the Inquisition already had access to each of it's prescribed Chamber militants as well as a number of Astartes allies like the Red Hunters, the Scions of Dorn, and the Crimson Fists. Despite these facts, the mysterious institution would continue to insist on the creation of a new Chapter for many years to come, but it would be during a reading of the Emperor's Tarot that its agenda would finally become a reality. Through this reading it was revealed that in the coming centuries and millennia a dark, insidious and unknown force would descend upon the Imperium from the expanse far to the Galactic north called known as the Eye of Terror. It was not revealed when the threat would reveal itself but the fates demanded the creation of an Astartes Chapter and so it was that Inquisition saw the culmination of its efforts in the Astral Swords.

 

This new Chapter was ensured access to the finest and purest gene-stock, that of the Primarch Roboute Guilliman and the Ultramarines. The Ultramarines were proud to be charged with the new Chapters creation and assisted directly by allowing a handful of its veteran Battle-Brothers to teach and guide the aspiring Astartes of the Astral Swords. One of the most celebrated members of the Astral Swords was one such veteran, a Chaplain named Damian who became the fledgling Chapter's Master of Sanctity and would destroy the Daemon Prince Roxchranz on the world Tehyar II.

 

Nurgle's Bane

Thwart a plot by the Greater Daemon of Nurgle Va'lshrak.

 

The Scouring of Raurus

Va'lshrak would have his revenge during what would come to be known as the Scouring of Raurus. The Astral Swords were sent to a sector located in the far galactic north of the Segmentum Obscurus called Raurus, at the behest of an Inquisitor Lord Thoran of the Ordo Malleus to ascertain the fate of that system. When the Astral Swords arrived they discovered a horrific truth. The worlds within the Raurus system had been completely devoured by a new and vicious alien race that had allied themselves with their nemesis, the Greater Daemon of Nurgle, Va'lshrak. Though the original appearance of the Xenos remained and remains unknown, when the Astral Swords discovered them they were twisting, writhing masses of putrid tentacles, talons and flesh that had obviously been corrupted beyond measure by the treacherous Chaos God. The aliens were legion and through their gifts granted by the God of Rot and Decay threatened to spread outward from the Raurus system. Potentially billions of lives would be lost if the aliens were allowed to spread and the Astral Swords knew that they had to find a weakness quickly if they were to destroy the Xenos menace. The Chapter found that the aliens were controlled by a hive mind and that it was located on the largest planet in the system also called Raurus. The Astral Swords waited for the perfect moment to strike at the alien's heart, just after one of their largest splinter fleets left the planet's orbit, leaving the hive mind vulnerable to attack. The Chapter bombarded the planets surface and cleared their designated drop zones before descending onto the weakened alien lines. Once the Battle-Brothers had made planet fall they fought their way toward the hive mind only to discover that Plague Marines of the Death Guard were also on the planet and that the Astral Swords had been herded into a carefully laid trap. Wave after wave was pushed back by the Swords but this was not their kind of warfare and the protracted battle saw the loss of many Battle-Brothers. After suffering devastating losses at the hands of the Plague Marines and the Xenos, just when all chance of survival seemed lost forces from the first Company known as the Immortals descended from the heavens in a surprise counter offensive which scattered the lines of their enemies. The Imperial fores seized the moment and made good their escape.

 

Datafile C192.tj4i3o4

Inquisitorial Interrogation

 

The Surgeon's Scalpel

From the moment they are born on their home world of Hydryx Battle Brothers of the Astral Swords are instilled with an extreme calm and calculating nature as it is those individuals who are rash and unsubtle that fall prey to the planets many dangers. Ones ability to remain undetected and to understand the environment and adversary intimately is paramount and it is these abilities that have dictated the manner in which the Chapter fights since their inception. Stealth tactics are the Astral Swords preferred method of warfare and only when an enemy is at their weakest or the moment is most advantageous will the Chapter's forces strike. When performing shock assaults whether descending from the heavens in drop pods or appearing from seemingly out of nowhere is when the Battle-Brothers of the Astral Swords are the most at home and because of this act as the proverbial scalpel of the Inquisition. The Astral Swords meet patience with ruthlessness, calm with methodical lethality and understand well that in order to perform their duties to the Emperor they must maintain this necessary balance . While their cold and calculating nature is welcomed amongst members of the Inquisition, these personality traits have led to many tense relationships between the Astral Swords and other Chapters of the Adeptus Astartes. Because of the Astral Swords preferred use of stealth and shock assault tactics they make extensive use of equipment like jump packs and power weapons. They also make use of units like Scouts and veteran troops like Sternguard, Vanguard and Terminators.

 

Homeworld

The death world of Hydryx is located in the galactic south of the Segmentum Obscurus, nestled almost perfectly equidistant from both Terra and the Eye of Terror. Hydryx ranks among the Imperium's most inhospitable death worlds and there are fewer then 20000 people living on the planet as a result. Despite the dangers of such a world the few humans that live on the planet's thousands of ice riddled islands have not only learned to adapt to their unforgiving surroundings but have learned to thrive under such adversity. Nearly all of Hydryx's islands are inhabited by deadly creatures of every conceivable shape and size, but it is in the oceans that the majority of the planets beings reside. Despite all of the horrors that Hydryx harbors, the worst of the worlds threats come when the system's sun sinks below the icy depths of the horizon.

 

Datalog

Hydryx

39 standard hour days

225 standard day years

Average Temperature 38 degrees F

Gravity 1.8g

 

The Dryx are a race of monstrous creatures, so named for being the apex predators of Hydryx, that hunt the worlds oceans and islands at night. They are a rare but terrible and awesome sight to behold. Few who ever encounter one survive and it is these creatures that dominate the nightmares of the humans that live on the planet. A Dryx's ferocity is matched only by its seemingly boundless patience and cruelty as it will wait days, toying with those it hunts before it rips the life from their bodies. A Dryx can range in size from adolescents of 6 to 10 feet in length, to fully grown adults nearly triple that size. The Dryx are capable of extremely long life and though no exact ages are known, it is suspected that some are many centuries old. It is these creatures that Aspirants, in the culmination of their trails to become Neophytes of the Astral Swords must slay and transport to the Forge in order to begin their indoctrination process. As a Dryx is an extremely patient adversary to hunt, only through sheer discipline, guile and an equally monumental capacity for patience can an Aspirant hope for success. It is during this final trial that the cold and calculating nature of Chapter becomes inherently cemented in each and every Battle-Brother as a requirement of survival.

 

Datafile ie.4345.73

Describing the surface of the planet. The islands are most nearly akin to frost wastes.

 

The Forge is the Fortress Monastery of the Astral Swords and is located at the magnetic pole of the planet, several miles below the surface of the oceans of Hydryx. At its highest point the Forge stretches just above the surface and it is this spire of the Fortress Monastery that Aspirants must reach with their felled Dryx in order to be considered a Neophyte. During their journey to the Forge the Aspirant must fight off all manner of beings which will not only attempt to rob the human of his prize (the Dryx) but will attempt to kill him as well.

 

The Space Marines of the Astral Swords lay claim to the world of Hydryx but are not involved in the affairs of its citizens, instead preferring to monitor their people from afar.

 

Organization

The Astral Swords are a Codex adherent Chapter and when at full strength maintain 10 Companies of Marines. There are only two factors that separate the Chapter's organization from that which is prescribed by the Codex.

 

The first of these differentiating factors is that the Chapter, while reserving the 1st Company for it's veterans -the Immortals- as other Chapters do, also reserves the positions within the 2nd Company -the Night Walkers- for those Battle-Brothers attempting to enter the 1st . Through a myriad trials and tests collectively called the Descent, it is ensured that only those Night Walkers who have reached the absolute pinnacle of all an Astartes aspires to be are allowed to enter the hallowed ranks of the Immortals. Most of the Battle-Brothers sent to the Deathwatch are members of the 2nd Company as this is but one of the many trials an Astral Sword must undergo to be considered for a position amongst the Immortals.

 

The second is a difference in purpose only as the 10th Company, while remaining the Scout Company is composed of seasoned Battle-Brothers and not of neophytes as other Chapter's 10th Companies might be. The reason for this is necessity as the Chapter relies heavily on its Scouts and it must be ensured that experienced warriors in stealth tactics and sudden strikes are the tip of the Chapters spear. The Astral Swords newest recruits are watched over by their respective Battle-Brothers in each of their respective Companies similar to the methods of the Black Templars.

 

The Astral Sword's methods of recruitment are extremely slow and require many years of searching and testing for candidates possessing the correct aptitude and mindset to be an Astral Sword before they can begin the Great Tempering. More then any other Chapter the Astral Swords take the most amount of time in simply finding recruits of the correct quality to become Astartes. Once a recruit has successfully completed the Great Tempering they are trained as Neophytes by their mentoring Battle-Brother. After a recruit becomes a full fledged Space Marine, each newly appointed Battle-Brother is renamed by his peers, forgoing forever their old names and lives, giving themselves entirely over to the Emperor and the Chapter.

 

Currently the Chapter numbers 8 companies strong as a significant number of casualties were sustained in both the Scouring of Raurus and the 13th Black Crusade.

 

Gene Seed

The Astral Swords are descendants of the Ultramarines and of Roboute Guilliman their Primarch but represent a new generation, hungry to create their own paths and legends.

 

Beliefs

 

The Astral Swords, despite their ties and roots to the Ultramarines do not favor any one Primarch above the others and hold the Emperor of Mankind as the ultimate object of their devotions. The Astral Swords work almost exclusively with Puritans of the Inquisition but do find their philosophies at odds with that of the Thorians as the Chapter does not deem the Emperor to be a god. Because of their history and heritage the Battle-Brothers of the Chapter accept that when facing any adversary one must intimately understand the enemy in order to successfully combat and eliminate them. This has created tension in the Chapter's ties to some members amongst the Inquisition as they are willing to use forbidden knowledge and in some rare cases technologies to combat their foes. Regardless of this methodology most among the Inquisition understand that the Astral Swords cultivate an extreme level of discipline and purity negating any worry or doubt of the Chapters intentions.

 

Heroes of the Chapter

The Astral Swords Master of Sanctity, Damian, seconded from the UM

Was a stalwart enemy of Chaos and slew a Demon Prince.

 

The Astral Swords' current Chapter Master -Sevren- is an ancient warrior, a chilling and ghostly figure clad in ivory white artificer armor. He is the holder of the Chapter's greatest and most powerful secrets and knowledge.

 

It is unknown how many Chapter Masters preceded Sevren.

 

Has had dealings with Pedro Cantor and the Chapter Master of the Scions of Dorn.

 

Sevren is armed with the Emperors Wrath, a Relic Blade of immense power and the Silent Tempest, an integrally suppressed storm bolter created by ancient forges before the time of the Great Heresy.

 

 

 

 

Rare Weaponry: Whether through the blessing of the Adeptus Mechanicus or sheer good fortune, this Chapter has a

large stock of weaponry that is considered rare amongst the other Chapters. . It is seen as a symbol of honor to wield

one of these weapons in battle. Systems such as advanced targeters, integrally suppressed boltguns and experimental weapons are commonplace among the Chapter but each is coveted for the treasures that they are.

[NightrawenII]

Well, hello here. I don't want to welcome you in Liber with negative reaction, but there are certain manners of courtesy. If you want people to comment your article, then you should post it here, on B&C. It's no really hard to copy-paste your stuff.

 

Anyway. It looks good, but I think you push the theme of elite soldiers too hard. Space Marines are already elite troops of Imperium, so making them elite elite is rather off.

Second, the Imperium has already access to corps d'elite; Deathwatch, Grey Knights and Officio Assassinorum, respectively to their target of choice.

 

The secretive training of incorruptibility is... MISS - Me? I'm So Super - The character in question is awesome for no apparent reason or explanation.

 

Beware, nitpicking ahead:

The colour scheme - Dude, I'm not member of Liber Heraldry Department, but even *I* can tell that's black and not ash-grey.

"Erebus" is name of infamous villain in W40k.

[SaltyOps]

Thank you for your help NightrawenII, I will attempt to address some of those issues. I will go ahead and post the article here. Sorry about that by the way. My intent was to have this chapter be focused on singular goals for the Inquisition rather then addressing a specific foe. With GK or Deathwatch you have a chapter fighting either Xenos or Chaos and I wanted the Astral Swords to pursue for example a specific Chaos Lord or a specific traitor legion. I figured that if GW has two chapters wholly dedicated to eradicating Chaos, (GK and Exorcists) I could get away with a little redundancy but assumptions are dangerous and I most certainly am NOT GW, so if it doesn't play just let me know. I will ease the throttle back a little on calling them elite. Your point is valid that by having both the first and second companies as sternguard and vanguard, their "eliteness" is obvious. I will make sure to try and flesh out a little more about their training. ;)

 

I had no idea about the name Erebus, so that is GREAT that you told me.

 

nitpicking points: MY GOD, how could you say that about my wonderful ASH GREY. :P Ill go back and get it a little lighter. I didn't want to go too light but that obviously wasn't my problem. hehe.

[Lord Heremes]

Another nitpick about a name. Lysander is the first captain of the imperial fists so using his name for your chapter feels like a bit like name dripping!

[Olis]

Sevren: And there is the kid glove critique I told you about. NightrawenII takes no prisoners, though you'd do well to heed him. ;)

[SaltyOps]

Oh man, not at all, its great to have access to guys like Nightrawen II and yourself to help get this chapter as squared away as possible. I have already addressed many of the issues he brought up and I have only come to enjoy my chapter all the more because of it. It gives them more of a character and life rather then them just busting up the whole galaxy on their own. I would say though that I need a little assist on an awesome name for my Chapter Master. Lysander is a no go and neither is Erebus. Any suggestions?

[Olis]

Nathaniel? Gregorian? Bertrand? ;)

[SaltyOps]

I think I got one so ill run it by you guys. How about Helias?

[Renegad3]

I think I got one so ill run it by you guys. How about Helias?

 

Sounds interesting, though maybe a bit feminine.

 

Renegad3

[SaltyOps]

All right I have a couple more

 

How about Summanus, the Roman god of nocturnal thunder.

OR

Alexandros

[Conn Eremon]

Visually, they're rather unappealing, though that's a personal take. Perhaps spelling the names differently could be good.

 

Helias could be Elios

Summanus could be Somanos, Somanios, etc.

[SaltyOps]

How about Shadow Marshal Merrik?

[SaltyOps]

Reworked a bit and updated.

[SaltyOps]

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[SaltyOps]

still working on color scheme I guess.

[CantonWC]

I suppose I will throw in my two pence after putting off replying to this topic for a while. But beware, I'm nasty.

 

Founding Legion: Unknown

 

Should I be concerned? I hate unknown gene-seed so much.

 

The Astral Swords were created some time in mid M40 making them a very young Chapter

 

Alright. Now I'm concerned. Who dropped the ball and forgot to tell them who their Primarch was? What kind of dastardly conspiracy were they the product of that is most likely witholding the name of their traitor Primarch?

 

The Astral Swords are shrouded in mystery and indeed the very knowledge of their existence is a gift few are privy to, even in the highest of Imperial stations.

 

Oh boy, yet another Chapter shrouded in mystery. There are quite a lot of those floating around; makes you wonder how the Imperium even survives day to day, if so many mystery-shrouded Chapters are running around and no one knows their history or their agenda.

 

and on numerous occasions have been trusted with some of the Inquisition's most vital charges

 

Mmm hmm.

 

During Abaddon's 13th Black Crusade the Astral Swords were tasked with hunting and destroying the Chaos Lord himself and the members of his Chosen across the Eye of Terror.

At the climax of the campaign, the Astral Swords successfully located the Chaos Lord's flagship and quickly formed Task Force 475 composed of a little over 400 Marines. When the opportunity presented itself, the Astartes attacked with their full strength. For nearly 73 hours they fought their way through the ship until only a handful were left alive. Suddenly and without warning the ship slipped into the warp and all contact with the forces on board were lost. To this day Task Force 475's ultimate fate remains unknown. What is known is that their actions not only saw the destruction of two of Abaddon's Chosen but bought the Imperial Navy the precious time it needed to keep shipping lanes to, from and around the Cadian Gate open in the final years of the 41st millennium.

 

Whoah. These guys sound pretty tough. So why haven't I heard of them? Why hasn't GW already written about them? A whole Chapter looking to put the hit on Abaddon himself would be pretty important I think.

 

By the very nature of their work as well as their extensive access to Imperial and Inquisitorial records, the Astral Swords are the keepers of a great wealth of knowledge as well as a great many secrets. The Chapter believes that the most efficient way to combat ones enemies is to intimately understand each, and to use its strengths and weaknesses against them to achieve victory. With every level ascended in rank by a brother Marine, more knowledge and hundreds of darker and more momentous secrets are revealed. Some say that Chapter Master Sevren is privy to knowledge that would shake the very foundations of the Imperium though this is simply conjecture.

 

Mmm hmm.

 

These levels of knowledge as well as a Brother Marine's rank are outwardly represented by the number and nature of cloths each Marine bares. Each of these cloaks, being a holy relic in and of themselves, have been blessed and are covered in prayers and litanies of protection to combat and cast out the foul denizens of the Warp.

 

If I were a bad guy, I'll be sure to commit this to memory so I can off the more important guys later.

 

The Astral Swords are master tacticians both on and off the battlefield and prefer to fight using quick and precise strikes, hitting the enemies at their weakest point and cutting the head off the proverbial snake.

 

Pretty much par for the course.

 

The Astral Swords also have access to some of the most advanced weaponry available to the forces of the Imperium, even more so then their brethren

 

Uh huh.

 

-----

 

If I sound like an arrogant , well, it's because I am. Tact and politesse just get in the way of my critiques.

 

I don't like this Chapter. At all. There's too much awesome, too much Mary Sue, and not one qualifier or justification for any of it. It's okay if they're the Raging Kill Machines of all Creation, as long as they fought and bled for that title. But so far, they have not done so.

 

But that's not the part I really concern myself with. At the end of the article, I still don't know who these people are. What they feel. What they believe. That's the single most important thing everyone on the Liber wants to see, but you skipped right over it.

 

Back to the drawing board with you.

 

CWC

[SaltyOps]

Well the critiques are definitely appreciated and in all honesty I know completely what you mean as I have been struggling with their storyline for a while. ie uninspired. Its just difficult to create a chapter with ties to the Inquisition that arent "shrouded in mystery" ya know. Looks like its back to the drawing board indeed. Also, if I developed their background a bit more, ie major battles, storyline, do you think that would serve to give them a little more life?

 

Thanks Canton and dont worry im not giving up on the Astral Swords.

[SaltyOps]

Got a sudden BURST of inspiration and went to town. Hope you like the new Astral Swords!!! Still have to work out their color scheme and their Founding Legion but I definitely feel the life blood flowing through their storyline. NEED MORE C&C PLEASE!!!

[CantonWC]

Well, you took that a lot better than I thought you would. Good on you. As for myself, I feel a need to apologize. I need to rein myself in sometimes.

 

A Chapter that is more buddy buddy with the Inquisition is doable. I recommend reading up Aurelius's Scions of Dorn. Or just read anything by Aurelius. He knows what he's doing.

 

Another resource I would recommend is Deathwatch Rites of Battle. It has an early section where you can pick and and choose some basic characteristics commonly seen in Chapters and quickly draw up an outline for a DIY Chapter. It is perfect for aspiring DIY Chapter writers. PM for details.

 

Also, if I developed their background a bit more, ie major battles, storyline, do you think that would serve to give them a little more life?

 

Battles have their place. Stories have their place. But please bear in mind that fighting is ALL a Chapter does. It would be like me trying to write an account of how I ate my breakfast cereal. People don't want to read about that. Killing is what an Astartes is made for. It is his only purpose. It is as easy and essential as breathing, and if handled improperly is just as boring.

 

Again please refer to Scions of Dorn. In my experience battles should be used to highlight a very important part of the Chapter's character, or to induce a shift in the Chapter's character. Do not write about fighting for fighting's sake. It's just another day at the office for an Astartes. If you want, you can get as detailed as you like with battle honors and secondary details, like Commissar Molotov has done with the Castigators. But that comes later.

 

EDIT: Not sure how much your Chapter has changed? I need some time to look it over.

 

-----

 

EDIT: Alright.

 

The Astral Swords were created during the 8th founding in mid M35 with the purpose of hunting and destroying the Traitor Legions

 

Even if a Chapter is created with the initial purpose of clearing a sector of such and such traitor warbands, eventually they will branch out to other adversaries. An Astartes Chapter by definition must be ready for all comers, whether they be aliens, traitors, heretics or seditionists. If they have a particular talent or reputation for taking on the filthy traitors, that's different. But hunting traitor Astartes to the exclusion of other, equally dangerous threats is strange to me.

 

Through the millennia the Astral Swords have proven to be one of the deadliest and most efficient Chapters in the Imperium's arsenal and have been most effective in combating and destroying forces from the Traitor Legions

 

The Astral Swords through their love of efficiency, technology and their ties to the Inquisition have access to some of the most advanced weaponry available to the forces of the Imperium

 

This is the real problem I have with your Chapter. Please don't use superlatives like this.

 

Astartes are by definition the best of the best of the best. Sir. With honors. To say your Chapter is one step beyond is just silly and tacky, and it makes people less inclined to take you seriously. Beyond that, you are implicitly tearing down other Chapters to elevate your own. Even if that is not your intention people may interpret it that way, and they won't appreciate it. Please remember to be respectful and courteous to other writers who are also trying to carve out their own slice of the 40k franchise.

 

-----

 

One other thing. There is really no such thing as the Inquisition. There are a lot of Inquisitors. Some of them believe one thing, others believe the complete opposite. Naturally some Inquisitors really hate each other's guts and will try to kill each other through overt or covert means. Most Inquisitors will want to uphold the Imperium, others have gone completely rogue and are trying to subvert or overthrow the Imperium and/or remake it according to their own ideals.

 

If you're working alongside the Inquisition, it would be helpful to know what your Chapter actually believes/teaches as its primary credo, and then determine which of the major Ordos and ideological sects would align with you. You are probably going to be working alongside a loose group of Inquisitors who have roughly the same ideology and agenda. Olisreadan's thread has a useful summary of the major Inquisitorial philosophies.

[SaltyOps]

Don't worry about being harsh Canton, I am trying to make an IA worthy Chapter and that takes hard work and adaptability. I will definitely check out those sources and adapt the Chapter accordingly. I also have built about 1200 points worth of Astral Swords so I will be sure to let you know when I get the pics up and likewise when I rework this thread.

 

Thanks again.

Sevren

[Ace Debonair]

Okie dokie, then.

You did say you were alright with some heavyweight C&C, so I'll see what I can do. :devil:

Astral Swords

Battle Cry: Faith, Purity, and Precision

Founding Legion:

Home World: Fleet based

Fortress Monastery: Flagship is known as "The Forge"

Chapter Master: Sevren

Chapter Badge: Winged Sword

Chapter Strength: 600

Colors:

Uh... so why is the Chapter under-strength?

You're missing four whole companies there, without a word of explanation later in the article.

The Astral Swords, despite combating all of the Traitor Legions have become the hated enemies of a few in particular, the Iron Warriors, the Death Guard and the Alpha Legion being the most powerful and significant of these.

This sounds like the IW, DG, and AL hate the Astral Swords above all else. Like, more than the other 1st founding legions who stayed loyal.

Honestly, it seems kinda pointless to have this line, since it's generally a given that loyalists hate traitors and vice versa.

It's also a bit of a stretch to believe that your 600 marines have directly incurred the wrath of three traitor legions.

A tradition of the Astral Swords maintains that as each Battle Brother ascends in rank they are allowed to utilize not only more advanced and exclusive equipment but heraldry as well. With each level of knowledge attained by a Battle Brother, their personal heraldry is allowed to be made more elaborate. Space Marines of the Astral Swords also make use of what are called Shadow Mantles. These cloaks, each being a holy relic in and of themselves, have been blessed and are covered in prayers and litanies of protection to combat and destroy the members of the Fallen Legions.

For reasons unknown members of the Astral Swords tend to keep their armor as spartan as possible, preferring to display only the most necessary items and icons of ones station.

Bit of a conflict of information there - are they plain and spartan of appearance, or do they wear elaborate and decorative heraldry?

The Astral Swords are a Codex adherent Chapter and when at full strength maintain 10 Companies of Marines. The only differing factor in organization from the Codex Astartes is that the Chapter maintains two Companies of Veterans, both the 1st and 2nd companies respectively. The 1st Company are known as the Immortals and have successfully passed through the vetting process known simply as the Descent. The 2nd Company, called the Watchers, is composed of veterans waiting however long they must for their chance to attempt the Descent.

And this, for me, is the big one.

Your chapter has twice as many veterans as everybody else.

Twice as many as the Ultramarines, the Blood Angels, and of course everyone else's DIY chapters.

Now, given that all Chapters are, for a given value of damn good, damn good at what they do, they should in theory have a roughly equal number of marines surviving to veteran status.

What that suggests to me is that either your chapter has lower standards for veterancy, or somehow you're going above and beyond everyone else's ability to veteran up, be those chapters Canon or DIY.

Neither prospect ticks the right boxes, since your chaps give an 'elite warriors' vibe, and the latter option is composed of 100% M.I.S.S.

I do approve, however, of the second company consisting of would-be veterans. It's a nice idea.

I'd just approve a lot more if you didn't state they were two comapnies of actual veterans. :)

General Questions:

Which geneseed are the Astral Swords from?

It looks like they'd be a solid Iron Hands successor (similar attitudes, especially vis-a-vis bionics), but it's not actually stated anywhere in the article.

What sort of colours do you envision when thinking of the Astral Swords? Because I'm getting this:

Am I close? :P

EDIT:

I wasn't close, because I posted the wrong picture.

I might be closer now, haha.

...Right, that's everything I could come up with.

Hopefully that helps! ;)

[SaltyOps]

Thank you for the feedback, it is ALWAYS appreciated. I am currently in the middle of a major and in depth overhaul and should have a revamped Astral Swords by the end of the week.

[CantonWC]

Well it looks pretty good so far. I need some time to look it over and fully digest the new changes.

[Andrew J]

I like your thoughts on the Dryx... though now it makes it seem as if that is the focus of your chapter and not the buddy buddy Inquisitors mentioned earlier. Also if your homeworld is all small ice covered islands why would the Dryx be 20-60 feet long? Most animals on islands tend to be small because there is not as much to sustain large animals. And if aspirants are going to slay one of these bada$$ Dryx I hope it is after they have received all their enhancements and it is the last thing they have to do to become a neophyte. My suggestion would be to make the homeworld something less full of interesting facts and more bland so as not to detract from the intent of being in league with the inquisition, or make them a fleet based chapter.

 

I would also suggest getting rid of the the first paragraph before origins because you end up saying it all again in the origins.

[CantonWC]

Andrew is right... Your Chapter was pro-Inquisition as its theme, but now you're moving away from that with all these other details.

 

In 561M40 an invasion, later called the Nexxas Exculpation was launched by members of the traitorous 3rd Legion, the Emperor's Children. In response to this dire threat a complete Imperial army corps stood ready to halt the Chaos tide as well as the regional Inquisitorial conclave overseen by an Inquisitor Lord Matiare of the Ordo Malleus. After a long and arduous engagement the forces of Slaanesh were defeated and in the rubble, on the fallen body of one of the Children's Champions, a datafile was discovered. The contents of the datafile remain a secret to this very day and only the highest ranking members of the Ordo Malleus are privy to the information contained within it. In order to maintain secrecy, the corps was bombarded and destroyed from orbit by an Ordo Malleus war ship and Imperial records were revised to blame the slaughter on renegade Eldar.

 

It was after the Nexxas Exculpation that, within the ranks of the High Lords of Terra, the Inquisitorial Representative began to push the organization's agenda for the creation of a new Space Marine Chapter. This confused the other members of the High Lords as the Inquisition already had access to each of it's prescribed Chamber militants as well as a number of Astartes allies like the Red Hunters, the Scions of Dorn, and the Crimson Fists. Despite these facts, the mysterious institution would continue to insist on the creation of a new Chapter for many years to come, but it would be during a reading of the Emperor's Tarot that its agenda would finally become a reality. Through this reading it was revealed that in the coming centuries and millennia a dark, insidious and unknown force would descend upon the Imperium. It was not revealed when or where this would take place but the fates demanded the creation of an Astartes Chapter and so it was that Inquisition saw the culmination of its efforts in the Astral Swords.

 

I'm really not comfortable with this sort of thing. "Ominous prophecy, your Chapter is the chosen one/only one able to get the job done." Again, my thoughts on superlatives, writing your Chapter to be implicitly better or special. Every Chapter is unique and special, that doesn't mean you should write your Chapter to be more special than everyone else.

 

The justification is also very shaky. All the other relevant parties are understandably confused, you even admit it yourself. But the Chapter is made anyway "because the fates decree it." In my opinion that's not good enough. This kind of strategic prognostication CAN happen, but it would help if the ominous bad guy actually shows up to justify it. People will think you're lazy and can't think of a good reason for why the Chapter was founded. Often it's as simple as "defend this important area." And then later they can befriend the Inquisition/Inquisitors.

 

Over half of the Chapter was destroyed when they were sent to a sector located in the far galactic north of the Segmentum Obscurus called Raurus

 

Not this again. I don't know why almost every writer is fascinated with using the "Chapter almost gets destroyed right out of the gate" gambit. A good two thirds of the stuff I read have this in there. Why? What's the purpose behind this? Are you trying to tell me "my Chapter isn't really overpowered, they got their clocks cleaned" ? Because I think this overused cliche is just smoke and mirrors.

 

The Scouring of Raurus

 

Why did you write this battle? What purpose does it serve? What does it tell me about the Chapter? Again, my thoughts on "battles for battle's sake." And Octavulg's thoughts too:

 

IAs explore a Chapter's character because once you understand a Chapter's character, you don't need to know the rest. Once you understand a Chapter's character, you can extrapolate the centuries of their history of your own accord - we do not know every battle the Imperial Fists have fought, but that does not matter. We know how the Fists would have fought them, what would have motivated them to do so, and how they would have looked while doing it (answer: awesome). We know how the Imperial Fists fit into the universe because we understand their character. The alternative would be to actually show us how the Imperial Fists have fit into the universe, and that would take a very, very long time. Instead, we explore how the Imperial Fists work, and thus we know roughly what they have done without needing to be told. Very efficient, I'm sure you'll agree.

 

There is also the consideration that character can be truly unique, while battles, shiny equipment and organizational quirks simply cannot be in the same sense. What distinguishes the Iron Hands from the Dark Angels from the Ultramarines is not their organizational differences, or when and where they have fought, or what pretty toys they have acquired, but why they fought and why they differ in organization. It is the whys of a Chapter that make them interesting.

 

...

 

Battles are boring

Like the book says, in the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. By the time anyone gets to your IA, they'll have read about a lot of battles. All writing about a battle does is provide them with something they've seen before, countless times, and distract from the points that are unique about your IA. Read GW IAs, and note how they talk about battles - they set the scene, explain briefly what happened, and talk about the aftermath and what that meant. The battle is important because of what it meant, not what happened in the battle itself. There is no point in planning out a blow-by-blow description of how your Chapter Master fought his archenemy - that's not what's important about that fight. What's important is why they were fighting, who won, and what that meant to later events.

 

Battles should be written for a purpose. This just seems like a very strange side incident that completely breaks the flow of the IA, doesn't add anything and doesn't tell me anything.

 

Not since the first encounter of the Tyranids by the Ultramarines on the planet of Tyran had such a threat been discovered.

 

Come on. You're going to compare them to the Tyranids, one of the biggest threats to the Imperium in recent years? Again, the implicit "better. more special" thing. You can't fool me.

 

Just FYI, It was Kryptmann that discovered the Tyranids, not the Ultramarines.

 

Homeworld

 

Mmm. Nothing really to say, doesn't add or take away anything. If they're still pro-Inquisition then maybe you should consider recruiting psykers from the Black Ships, as the Inquisition is involved with that, and regular recruits from the Schola Progenium.

 

Most of the Battle-Brothers sent to the Deathwatch are members of the 2nd Company as this is but one of the many trials an Astral Sword must undergo to be considered for the Immortals.

 

Combat Doctrine

 

Doesn't seem much different than any other Chapter, other than the emphasis on stealth.

 

Beliefs

 

Seems pretty bland to me. Again I ask you, what do they believe in? What Inquisitorial factions do they agree with? You can't be friends with "the Inquisition," because they fight amongst themselves almost as much as they fight the Imperium's enemies.

 

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Well, all my previous thoughts still stand. I'm wondering if you've internalized what I've said.