IA: Black Sharks WIP

[DarkLiege]

no taker on the origin of the chapter? need help

[Andrew J]

I like the first paragraph. It reads well and sets up a good image in my mind. I like where you are going with the chapter. I really like the quote, it seems suitable to the chapter.

 

Wielding fear as their weapon, the chapter has stroke terror into the hearts of many and created fables amongst themselves.

should be stoked not stroke, and I think you mean to say created fables amongst others? not sure

 

Dark Eldars’

I am pretty sure that the plural of Eldar is Eldar, as it is the race not just a singular thing. Not sure but I have not seen Eldar be pluralized before.

 

Created as a third founding to aid the Ultramarines in securing their eastern borders, the chapter’s lightning speed was critical to many victories. However, the newly founded chapter was soon shaken to its foundation from an event they will not recover from. Little was known of this event besides those within the chapter and their parent chapters: the White Scars. What was known was that upon hearing of what happen many were shocked and many more were in mourning. They, instead, all made a vow: “He can’t be dead, not our father. He must be alive in the webway. For that, the Eldars will pay dearly”. It was soon after this vow that they split from their assign mission and went on a quest driven by vengeance.

 

I read through this and I think I get what you are trying to say but I think instead of it being SUPER mysterious you can say something like "little is known of the event except something happend to their primogenitor primarch jaghatai khan and from that the chapter has made a vow to search every corner of the the webway and make the Eldar pay for their insolence."... that is what I would say.

 

I like the rest of your ideas and think that works well as a reason for the chapter to break from tradition and go their own way.

 

My 2 cents. hope it helps

[DarkLiege]

Wielding fear as their weapon, the chapter has stroke terror into the hearts of many and created fables amongst themselves.

should be stoked not stroke, and I think you mean to say created fables amongst others? not sure

 

I will get working on some of the minor errors for the IA.

 

Created as a third founding to aid the Ultramarines in securing their eastern borders, the chapter’s lightning speed was critical to many victories. However, the newly founded chapter was soon shaken to its foundation from an event they will not recover from. Little was known of this event besides those within the chapter and their parent chapters: the White Scars. What was known was that upon hearing of what happen many were shocked and many more were in mourning. They, instead, all made a vow: “He can’t be dead, not our father. He must be alive in the webway. For that, the Eldars will pay dearly”. It was soon after this vow that they split from their assign mission and went on a quest driven by vengeance.

I read through this and I think I get what you are trying to say but I think instead of it being SUPER mysterious you can say something like "little is known of the event except something happend to their primogenitor primarch jaghatai khan and from that the chapter has made a vow to search every corner of the the webway and make the Eldar pay for their insolence."... that is what I would say.

 

I like how you phrase the whole vow thing so i'll use it.

 

Thanks for the reply, Andrew J.

[DarkLiege]

gene-seeds part has been added. see bottom of page 1. :)

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Black Sharks are crazy, sadistic bastards in every way.

Describing them as "sadistic" means they enjoy inflicting pain, which is unprofessional behavior, likely to make the sadist delay delivery of the death blow, to prolong his victim's suffering- and as likely to give the victim time to turn the tables.

 

Instead, use "ruthless." The Marines feel no pleasure when inflicting pain upon others, but neither do they feel guilt. They only feel a sense of duty, that pain is an crude but effective weapon in the arsenal they use in Mankind's defense.

Wielding fear as their weapon, the chapter has stoke terror into the hearts of many and created fables among others.

I think you meant "struck terror into the hearts of many".

“Gene-seed are a linage pass down from the most worthy of warriors. However, what is linage without Honour? That is something we, the Black Sharks, has forgotten.”—Chaplain Yamoa

I think you meant "lineage".

 

Anyways, with the obvious exception of the Dark Angels, the Space Marines view themselves as the very epitome of honor- to suggest otherwise, will result in an honor duel, followed shortly by a brutal beatdown.

The gene-seed of the Black Sharks comes from the noble V Legion, the White Scars. However, over centuries the Black Sharks’ gene-seed has minor mutations. The inquisition has become very wary of the chapter thinking they might go rogue. It was even said that the Black Sharks’ gene-seed still continues to mutate slowly but surely.

IIRC, White Scars gene-seed does not have such flaws, and in the absense of external factors- Chaos influence, Raven Guard-like genetic tampering- is unlikely to develop such flaws.

[DarkLiege]

Thanks Bjorn for replying. :cuss

 

The Black Sharks are crazy, sadistic bastards in every way.

Describing them as \"sadistic\" means they enjoy inflicting pain, which is unprofessional behavior, likely to make the sadist delay delivery of the death blow, to prolong his victim\'s suffering- and as likely to give the victim time to turn the tables.

 

Instead, use \"ruthless.\" The Marines feel no pleasure when inflicting pain upon others, but neither do they feel guilt. They only feel a sense of duty, that pain is an crude but effective weapon in the arsenal they use in Mankind\'s defense.

 

okay, I have edited the errors.

 

Wielding fear as their weapon, the chapter has stoke terror into the hearts of many and created fables among others.

I think you meant \"struck terror into the hearts of many\".

“Gene-seed are a linage pass down from the most worthy of warriors. However, what is linage without Honour? That is something we, the Black Sharks, has forgotten.”—Chaplain Yamoa

I think you meant \"lineage\".

 

Same as the last one.

 

Anyways, with the obvious exception of the Dark Angels, the Space Marines view themselves as the very epitome of honor- to suggest otherwise, will result in an honor duel, followed shortly by a brutal beatdown.

 

This quote falls more with the whole Dark Angel theme than anything else. what i am trying to say is that with the event of their father and the chapter\'s obsession with finding him, they kinda lose their way. They have forgotten the honor that goes with being a space marine. Hope you get what i mean and i know it is confusing. :D

 

 

The gene-seed of the Black Sharks comes from the noble V Legion, the White Scars. However, over centuries the Black Sharks’ gene-seed has minor mutations. The inquisition has become very wary of the chapter thinking they might go rogue. It was even said that the Black Sharks’ gene-seed still continues to mutate slowly but surely.

IIRC, White Scars gene-seed does not have such flaws, and in the absense of external factors- Chaos influence, Raven Guard-like genetic tampering- is unlikely to develop such flaws.

 

Thanks for informing me of this and i have edited it a bit. :D

Edited January 24, 2012 by DarkLiege

[DarkLiege]

Organization has been added to the post. look at the bottom of the first page. Tell me what you think of it. i try making it similar to the whole ten companies of the codex but with fleets instead wanting them to be pirate like.

[DarkLiege]

I've been thinking over about the whole gene-seed thing but I still want to have the effect of having marines be mortally wounded to the point where they have to be put into dreadnoughts. However the dreadnoughts are reserve, kind of, for marines who can not be saved. This will making the chapter into a dreadnought heavy chapter. The reason for this is because the chapter went on a 'crusade to find their father after a message they received. they continue to attack craftworlds after craftworlds in search of answers. Thus the marine count, continue to deplete.

 

I'm not sure this is also a good enough information in order to turn companies into a Fleet where each one is doing their own recruitment and kinda specializes in a style of warfare? So... what do you think.

 

As for the homeworld, I'm think of a water world or something. So, if you have any ideas for the homeworld please share some cause 'm at a lose as to what to do. Thanks ;)