Plaguecaster Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Hey Everyone I have redone my Renegade chapter and was wondering what you thought, tried to make it so the majority of the Chapter are Nurgle Sorcerers who raise dead Space marines to fight for the Chapter like Necromancers raising zombies this is my second attempt so be as honest as possible The Ghost Knights Battle cry: "Death Walks with Us" Origins and fall to Chaos The Ghost Knights were a fanatically loyal crusading chapter which fell to the worship of Nurgle becoming dark necromancers due to their morbid obsession with death revering the Emperor as the god of death and their crusade to exterminate all Xenos who they saw as abominations. Founded in the early M38 as part of the 23rd founding they were tasked with protecting imperial worlds along the edge of the Segmentum Pacificius from pirates and raiders. Fifty years after their founding the chapter suffered a crushing defeat when Eldar from craftworld Il-Kaithe attacked the feral world Karnu in search of a lost Eldar webway portal, the Ghost Knights responded in full force to protect their primary recruiting world. Though they managed to drive off the Eldar the Ghost Knights suffered horrendous casualties with the majority of the chapter’s veterans and captains including Chapter Master Seraskier Drossel who was slain by an Avatar of Khaine. With the majority of their chapter dead and their primary recruiting world devastated the Ghost Knights vowed revenge, what started out as a quest to bring the Eldar to justice became a crusade to exterminate all Xenos after losses inflicted by other Xenos races over the centuries. Nearly millennia later since the devastation at Karnu the chapter suffered when the chapter was finally at full strength the Ghost Knights suffered another defeat even though the losses were not as much it had drastic consequences on the chapter that would result in their fall to Chaos. In the year 310 M39 Librarian Michael Alexander led a small strike force to help secure the chapter's recruiting world of Skanda which was under attack from feral Orks, unfortunately the Orks were only a distraction employed by Dark Eldar so they could capture slave. The strike force was ambushed being wiped out except for Michael who was captured after being grievously wounded where he was tortured for many days by a Haemoniculi. Losing contact with the Strike force the Ghost Knight mobilized three full companies to investigate the disappearance, coming upon the Dark Eldar ship just as it was preparing to leave the system the Ghost Knights quickly crippled and boarded the Dark Eldar ship slaughtering all on board rescuing Librarian Michael from the Haemoniculi torturer. When he returned to the chapter Michael was harshly tested for any taint which he passed though had a strong hatred of his captors, willingly to do anything to exterminate the Xenos abomination. With his return to the chapter Michael rapidly rose through the ranks of the Librarium winning much glory for the chapter slaying countless Xenos as well as the respect of his fellow battle brothers eventually becoming the Chief Librarian a hundred years later since being rescued from the Dark Eldar. Answering a distress call from the loyal remnants of the hive world Posdav which was suffering from a warp plague that killed the majority of those infected whilst those who did not die became carriers of plague renouncing the Emperor who they believed abandoned them. Disgusted at the traitors heresy the Ghost Knights brutally crushed the traitors though when they took the traitor Governors' Palace Captain Gabriel of the forth company was wounded by the traitor Governor which quickly became infected that not even the resilience of a space marine could handle reducing the proud captain to a decaying corpse a few minutes later. Horrified at first how deadly the plague was Chief Librarian Michael thought how deadly the plague would be to Xenos if made into a weapon, convincing his battle brothers of how beneficial it would be to the crusade the forth company collected samples of the plague through the use of servitors which were destroyed. Afterwards when the 4th returned to the rest of the Chapter, Michael proposed his idea to the leaders of the chapter whilst some had grave misgivings about the idea the majority of them including the Chapter Master agreed with the idea and gave Michael permission with the help of the Apothecary’s to make a weapon to use against the Ghost Knight's enemies. After many unsuccessful attempts Michael finally completed his weapon ready to be tested, that test subject would be the cardinal world of Silvana named after a famous sister of silence who died during the siege of Terra during the Horus Heresy. Silvana was holy world that was suffering from a rebellion as well as Dark Eldar raiders; Inquisitor Volk a Puritan of the Ordo Hereticus raised a massive imperial army to reclaim his home world. Hearing rumours about the Ghost Knights secret weapon the Inquisitor was curious to see this weapon which the chapter claimed they would be able to reclaim the world without damaging the world's holy shrines killing all who were not loyal to the Emperor. Firing the created plague in missiles on the surface which detonated killing every life form on the planet, hailing it as a success the Ghost Knights believed that it did its job slaying all who were not loyal to the Emperor. Horrified at the death the weapon inflicted, the Inquisitor refused to believe that it killed all those unloyal to the Emperor as many of his agents were planet side, declaring them Excommunicate Traitoris the inquisitors’ forces opened fire upon the Ghost Knight's fleet destroying many of their ships killing over half of the chapter including the majority of the 1st company as well as Chapter Master Gustav Tasgall. Shocked as well as enraged at what he believed a betrayal, Michael called out to any god that would save his Chapter in return for eternal service, amused with the chapter’s attempts to use plague as a weapon Nurgle the true god of death answered the chapters pleas opening warp rifts on the imperial ships that spewed out hordes of Nurgle daemons which slew the Imperial forces. Rallying behind Michael who the Ghost Knights hailed as their leader the chapter launched devastating boarding assaults against the imperial ships fighting alongside the daemonic legions of Nurgle bringing death to those they once called allies with Michael Alexander renamed Michael Vilepox slaying Inquisitor Volk. Now dedicated to Nurgle becoming Plague marines, the Ghost Knights fled to the Halo zone a region believed to be the domain of ghosts where they have established a stronghold from which they launch deadly raids against both Xenos and Imperial worlds in the Segmentum Pacificius in an attempt to forge an empire dedicated to Nurgle with many traitors swearing allegiance to the chapter including a number of Dark Magos and a small warband of Iron Warriors who have embraced the worship of Nurgle. Since over half their chapter was killed during the betrayal the Ghost Knights were forced to use dark sorcery to restore the chapter’s losses by binding the souls of the dead into the bodies of their fallen brethren, using the dead as weapons against the chapter's enemies. The undead space marines have decayed bodies infected with plagues wielding rusted bolters that fire infected bolt rounds that eat through any armour they are almost unstoppable with only the total destruction of the undead space marines or the death of the chaos sorcerer who guides as well as controls them being able to stop them. Home world/ fleet The Ghost Knights were and still are a large fleet based chapter that recruited from a worlds that they protected, with their fall to chaos they have become deadly raiders that strike mainly Xenos worlds as well as imperial worlds for supplies. Though most of their fleet was destroyed during the devastation of Silvana the Ghost Knights have rebuilt their strength capturing many Imperial ships including the Emperor Class battleship "Glory of Macharius" now renamed "Spectre of Decay" which serves as the Ghost Knights flagship of their plague fleet. The world they claimed in the Halo Zone Pandemicus is a massive plague choked wasteland with seven mighty fortress cities ruled over by the chapters companies which produce countless weapons, armour and Daemon engines belching out toxic fumes it has become a refuge for many renegades with members of the Dark Mechanicus, and a small iron warriors warband who have sworn allegiance to the Ghost Knights. Though it is almost a Daemon world its greatest defence does not lie in the almost impregnable fortress cities or the fleet that guards it but in the Halo Zone itself. The Halo Zone has always been known as a region of ghost by the Imperium which the Astronomican cannot penetrate as such any imperial fleet becomes lost and disorientated with their Navigators unable guide them through the warp falling easy victim to the Ghost Knights who's ships are guided by Daemonic sorcery. Pandemicus has come Under attack by several different Xenos mainly Tyranid splinter fleets of Hive fleet Scyla and Charybdis as well as Necrons from a recently awakened Tomb World of an unknown dynasty within the Halo Zone though all attacks on Pandemicus have been repulsed utterly destroying the attackers. Combat Doctrine The Ghost Knights were a highly secretive and fiercely independent chapter who rarely allied themselves with others and even then were known to abandon their allies in battle to fulfil their own agendas or goals resulting in the near destruction or their allies as such they came to blows with many chapters and the Inquisition were about to investigate the chapter before they turned traitor. They were a merciless chapter who fought with a fierce zeal to eradicate all Xenos they encountered sometimes exterminating whole worlds to get rid of all taint of the foul Xenos or if the population was believed to be tainted from the Xenos presence. They were masters of urban combat being as silent as death itself striking from unexpected positions sowing terror into their enemies. They used stealth as well as hit and run tactics to disrupt their enemies leading them into carefully planned killing grounds where they would use heavy firepower to decimate their enemies before launching devastating counter attacks. They still generally follow the same tactics since their fall to chaos though now they make a large use of daemon engines as well as using daemons and the undead, they make extensive use of viral weapons using created plagues to decimate their enemies as well as covering the battlefield in a toxic fog. On the battlefield the Ghost Knights fight like rotting spectres striking at the enemy position under the cover of heavy bombardment sowing their deadly plagues weakening the enemy before disappearing like ghosts where they overwhelm the enemy with recently reanimated dead led by chaos sorcerers and plague marines who drag down the enemy. The Ghost Knights have been known to ally themselves with other chaos renegades most notably taking part in the chaos invasion of the Sabbat worlds though the chapter only fights alongside others if it furthers the Ghost Knights goals. During the early stages of the Macharian Heresy the Ghost Knights took advantage of the chaos, raiding many worlds coming into conflict with many space marine chapters including the Minotaurs and Black Templars before being driven back into the Halo Zone by their parent chapter the White Consuls. With the outbreak of the "Night of a thousand rebellions" the Ghost Knights have launched a crusade to seize control of Imperial worlds in the Segmentum Pacificius hunting for the Eldar Il-Kaithe craftworld to destroy. Organisation Being an Ultramarines successor chapter the Ghost Knights followed the Codex Astartes although they had a large number of Librarians. The Ghost Knights tended to suffer harsh casualties in their crusade to purge all Xenos as such their Scout Company was twice the size of the normal companies to restore the chapter losses. The organisation of the Ghost Knights mainly remains the same since their fall to Chaos though now their chapter is led by Michael Vilepox once Chief Librarian now a mighty Plague Marine Sorcerer known as the Liche Knight. Since they are no longer able to recruit new initiates into the chapter due to the corruption of their geneseed they have been known to capture space marines from other chapters to corrupt them to the worship of Nurgle becoming part of the Ghost Knights. Most disturbing of all is that the fell Sorcerers of the Ghost Knights use dark necromancy to bind the souls of fallen space marines into their bodies forced to obey the commands of the sorcerer, also they have also been known to reanimate dead Xenos to use as cannon fodder. Beliefs The Ghost Knights were a dour chapter that fanatically revered the Emperor as the god of death making extensive offerings to the fallen believing them to live on as spirits who possessed the wargear and armour of others. With their fall to chaos the Ghost Knights realized that Nurgle is the true god of death who they fanatically worship spreading the plagues of Nurgle bringing death and decay to all life in the Segmentum Pacificius. Their Chapter was governed by a Mortuary cult in which Chaplains led countless services making offerings to the dead and holding strange funeral services in which ashes of the fallen were merged with newly forged armour and weapons so the spirits of the fallen lived on to bring death to the chapters enemies. The Ghost Knights revered their Librarians as much as Chaplains as spiritual leaders since they had the powers to communicate with the dead not being held in suspicion or mistrust sometimes even leading companies. The Ghost Knights had a strong hatred of all Xenos (especially Eldar) seeing them as abominations, as such they would actively seek out warzones in which to kill them. Even with their fall to chaos the Ghost Knights still continue their crusade against the Xenos with their plague fleet being identified in many parts of the Segmentum Pacificius, with the appearance of Hive fleet Scylla and Charybdis the Ghost Knights have waged a deadly war against the Tyranids decimating many of the splinter fleets with their deadly warp plagues that even the Tyranids struggle to adapt to. Geneseed The Geneseed of the Ghost Knights was that of the Ultramarines from their parent chapter the White Consuls who have sworn to hunt down and destroy the Ghost Knights. Once pure and stable being free of any mutations with their allegiance to Nurgle the Ghost Knights Geneseed has been tainted as well as corrupted. So what do you think any adivce is welcomed, at the moment have not got a final idea for the Chapter symbol was probably just going to use a tombstone with the mark of Nurgle on it but if anyone has any better ideas let me know. The colors I am probably going to use are Bleached bone, Dheneb stone and Rotting flesh. If anyone finds anything that does not make any sense or need more info about just ask and I should hopefully change it immediately. Cheers Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Would greatly appreciate it if someone could give their opinion. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2962726 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I will answer you. Please give me some time while I work through the post. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2963867 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Have you tried reading this aloud? Losing contact with the Strike force the Ghost Knight mobilized three full companies to investigate the disappearance, coming upon the Dark Eldar ship just as it was preparing to leave the system the Ghost Knights quickly crippled and boarded the Dark Eldar ship slaughtering all on board rescuing Librarian Michael from the Haemoniculi torturer, when he returned to the chapter Michael was harshly tested for any taint which he passed though had a strong hatred of his captors, willingly to do anything to exterminate the Xenos abomination. That's one sentence. Saying all that without really pausing for breath requires lungs of steel, and it's made worse by the fact the entire article is pretty much like this. :lol: Be a bit more liberal with the punctuation, and maybe bold up your section headings. It'll do wonders for the presentation! :D Content-wise, I haven't really got any big issues. ^_^ One thing that does stand out is that the article goes into too much detail in places, though; Horrified at the death the weopen inflicted, the Inquisitor refused to believe that it killed all those unloyal to the Emperor as many of his agents as well as a large sisters of battle force from the order of the Ebon Chalice were planet side, declaring them Excommunicate Traitoris the inquisitors's forces attacked and boarded the Ghost Knight's fleet destroying many of their ships killing 40% of the chapters including the majority of the 1st company as well as Chapter Master Gustav Tasgall who was slain by a Grey Knight Librarian. Don't use the percentage thing, please. It can never be anything but a statistic when presented that way. Say 'almost four hundred marines' or even 'the majority of the chapter's 3rd and 4th companies'. Admittedly that last one's only half as many dead, but it's still a heavy loss for a Chapter. Especially since their leader is amongst the slain! And the Grey knight involvement, much like the battle sisters (in the same sentence), comes out of nowhere. I'd advise either mentioning both during the earlier descriptions of the battle, or better still just taking them out of the article. It's not beyond all possibility that the ship with the Chapter Master on would be the first one destroyed in the space-fight - Michael could easily have been counseling his brothers on the next ship over at the time. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2964276 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Have changed it adding more punctuation to it for which I apologies, hopefully it should be up to standard now though if I have missed anything let me know also I have cut down a little bit on the detail. Once again thanks for the advice. Cheers Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2966168 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I'll try and keep this general. First off I think there is way too much story. It's about a third to half of the whole article. It can be cut down a lot and still get the point across. The overall level of detail can be cut down without losing too much if anything. The narrative is being pulled in two directions, the anti-xenos theme and the odd fascination with using plagues. These two things have not been meshed together well and the overall narrative suffers. Horrified at first how deadly the plague was Chief Librarian Michael thought how deadly the plague would be to Xenos if made into a weapon, convincing his battle brothers of how beneficial it would be to the crusade the forth company collected samples of the plague through the use of servitors which were destroyed. Afterwards when the 4th returned to the rest of the Chapter, Michael proposed his idea to the leaders of the chapter whilst some had grave misgivings about the idea the majority of them including the Chapter Master agreed with the idea and gave Michael permission with the help of the Apothecary’s to make a weapon to use against the Ghost Knight's enemies. I think this is pretty blatant and obvious heresy and... everyone just goes with it? Firing the created plague in missiles on the surface which detonated killing every life form on the planet, hailing it as a success the Ghost Knights believed that it did its job slaying all who were not loyal to the Emperor. Horrified at the death the weapon inflicted, the Inquisitor refused to believe that it killed all those unloyal to the Emperor as many of his agents were planet side, declaring them Excommunicate Traitoris the inquisitors’ forces opened fire upon the Ghost Knight's fleet destroying many of their ships killing over half of the chapter including the majority of the 1st company as well as Chapter Master Gustav Tasgall. Shocked as well as enraged at what he believed a betrayal, Michael called out to any god that would save his Chapter in return for eternal service, amused with the chapter’s attempts to use plague as a weapon Nurgle the true god of death answered the chapters pleas opening warp rifts on the imperial ships that spewed out hordes of Nurgle daemons which slew the Imperial forces. I don't find the motivation and "turn" to be convincing at all, it's incredibly weak. What did they think was going to happen when they launched a plague weapon of dubious origin at an Imperial planet? And after this "betrayal" they seemed quite fine with, even eager to spit on their oaths of loyalty to the Emperor. It's not really believable in my view. --- Beyond that, please fix up grammar, sentence structure, overall writing and all that. I found this article very hard to read at times. CWC Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2966708 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Any ideas for the how to make the turn to Chaos more convincing that makes it more believable, I will fix up the grammar, sentence structure and overall writing probably by tomorrow. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2966890 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Well... By the time they get to the plague weapon it seems like they are already corrupted. So the idea that they are shocked by a "betrayal" so they say " :) you Emperor, we'll just join up with Nurgle instead" rings hollow. If they find it so easy to spit on their oath of fealty and join with the Archenemy they weren't very loyal in the first place were they? It would probably be easier to write them as slowly being corrupted rather than try and sell the idea that they were "betrayed" and had no choice but to join Nurgle, when they should have known what was going to happen when they launched a Warp-derived weapon. This IA has some pretty interesting ideas with souls bound into Astartes corpses to create zombie Marines and the beliefs section being pretty good, it just needs a little reworking. A lot of unnecessary detail can just be cut without losing much if anything. The anti-xenos part can be completely dropped, it doesn't add anything to the overall undead theme. And you need to decide if they were betrayed and write it convincingly, or write them as corrupted, which is how they seem to be right now. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2968778 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Does this sound better instead, they are defending one of their major recruiting worlds from an Xenos invasion (possibly Eldar or Orks) suffering terrible casualties. They uncover a Viral weapon that was sealed away by the Inquisition who deemed it forbidden, the Ghost Knights have no choice but to use the forbidden weapon or their chapter will face extinction. The Ghost Knights use the weapon destroying the Xenos invaders but an Inquisitor sees they used the forbidden weapon and declares them traitors then the Ghost Knights are saved by Nurgle who creates a warp rift from which spilled out a horde of daemons who fought alongside the Ghost Knights after the battle seeing they are dammed the chapter embraces Nurgle as their god Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969020 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Conventional virus weapons are not banned. Virus bombs are occasionally used to perform Exterminatus. So why is this weapon considered forbidden? And how would the Inquisition know that the virus weapon had been used? And why is a virus weapon tucked away on this planet, where it can conveniently be used by your Chapter? Is the xenos thing really that important to you? It doesn't have anything to do with the undead theme so far, it's just a convoluted means to make the Chapter fall. And they still jump so willingly into Nurgle's arms, from what I can see. Are they really loyal in the first place? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969880 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkangilos Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Does this sound better instead, they are defending one of their major recruiting worlds from an Xenos invasion (possibly Eldar or Orks) suffering terrible casualties. They uncover a Viral weapon that was sealed away by the Inquisition who deemed it forbidden, the Ghost Knights have no choice but to use the forbidden weapon or their chapter will face extinction. The Ghost Knights use the weapon destroying the Xenos invaders but an Inquisitor sees they used the forbidden weapon and declares them traitors then the Ghost Knights are saved by Nurgle who creates a warp rift from which spilled out a horde of daemons who fought alongside the Ghost Knights after the battle seeing they are dammed the chapter embraces Nurgle as their god Well, I kind of like the "collecting" idea better. I think their turn just needs to be more subtle. For example, maybe they start calling the Emperor "Lord" which is no big deal, and then as they start getting more plagues to use as weapons or perfect it, when they are talking about it, they say, "Our Lord has provided us with a great plague to bring down our enemies." They continue to create biological weapons, thinking it is "their Lord's will" And so the Inquisition sees them use it, and hear what they say, and they question, "Which Lord is this? Which lord gives plagues! This is Heresy!" So the chapter kind of fights against the Inquisition, still thinking it is loyal, still thinking it is worshipping the Emperor, when really, "The Lord who delivered them the plague" was actually Nurgle, and they don't see it until it is too late, and by them they have already been damned. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969885 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 That's a good idea Telanicus. Slow and subtle. But, surely the Ghost Knights have got to be painfully aware of how they look to outsiders? "They're using plagues, they must be in league with Nurgle!" Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969891 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Well, I kind of like the "collecting" idea better. I think their turn just needs to be more subtle. For example, maybe they start calling the Emperor "Lord" which is no big deal, and then as they start getting more plagues to use as weapons or perfect it, when they are talking about it, they say, "Our Lord has provided us with a great plague to bring down our enemies." They continue to create biological weapons, thinking it is "their Lord's will" And so the Inquisition sees them use it, and hear what they say, and they question, "Which Lord is this? Which lord gives plagues! This is Heresy!" So the chapter kind of fights against the Inquisition, still thinking it is loyal, still thinking it is worshipping the Emperor, when really, "The Lord who delivered them the plague" was actually Nurgle, and they don't see it until it is too late, and by them they have already been damned. Thanks for your advice I will stick with them collecting the plagues now I just have to justify them using the plagues whilst still being loyal I will probably work it into their beliefs that they believe plagues are the holy weapons of death who they believe the Emperor is, not realizing they are slowly being corrupted by Nurgle until it is too late. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969942 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaguecaster Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 . Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/244958-the-ghost-knights-second-attempt/#findComment-2969943 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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