Marshal Severarse Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 3500 pts. each. Space Wolves, Imperial Guard, and Black Templars vs. Dark Eldar, Chaos, and Chaos. 21,000 points and several feet of penis involved. I went into the battle feeling confident in my allies. Both were experienced generals and renowned pimps. The objective was to seize a strip of buildings laid out on the heretic side of the board. We were the besiegers. The day was, in my opinion, well spent. It was a pleasant experience. A few rules were bent here and there (mostly in the spirit of common sense, which, I must cheekily point out, is nowhere covered in the rulebook!) but all in all, it was a pleasant game, with 99% gentlemanly play. That’s AMAZING considering all the issues us dorks have. Anyway, most all of the very few disagreements we had were quickly resolved by a perusal of the rulebook or a swift right jab. As for the performance of the Black Templars, it was as to be expected from my lot of stalwart underachievers. At one point, all four of my landraiders were immobilized or wrecked. Great. That’s what I brought them for, right? ‘This freakin’ sucks!’ one of the stranded drivers broadcast over the comms. ‘No,’ replied both of my Marshals at once, ‘this sucks.’ Both Marshals with their attendant terminator command squads stood far back from the frontlines, fruitlessly firing off missiles and watching the battle with envy. Utterly-fething-useless. Templar Fail. One landraider at least had a chance of earning its bread pudding. It had immobilized itself on a curb, but the Imperium had a small blessing in the form of a highly trained, exceptionally motivated guardsman techpriest lurking nearby. With a proud flourish of its forehead-mounted screwdriver, the techpriest returned the venerable behemoth to service for the Emperor. The cross-eyed driver of the landraider yelled a thank you out the hatch, then promptly ground the gearbox out of it and crashed it into a light post. He popped back out, looking as you would expect, like an :P, and invited the techpriest to get his wrench back out and fix it again. The devout servant of the Machine-God promptly complied, providing the added service of a blurt of foul-mouthed machine-code suggestions for the Templar driver. The landraider, sanctified and twice repaired, continued to serve exactly Zero purpose for the remainder of the game. Thanks Techpriest. The massive brawl ended in an epic clash at the edge of the city. I lowered my POV and viewed it from the side, my nerdy eyes all aglow with the majesty of the battle. The front was a massive pile-up of wreckage all along the midway line of the battlefield. Blocking every lane into the cityscape, wrecked and immobilized vehicles blazed, weighted down by the pressure of disgusted curses hurled down upon them from all three Imperial generals. We could not advance. Troops disembarked and stumbled, staggered, crawled and groveled over and around the wrecks, struggling hopelessly towards the objectives. Did the wishes of their commanders matter? No. Orders? Please. Shame? (German tourist accent) Vat eez eet? The Imperium failed to penetrate to even the halfway point of the cityscape, impeded by its own colossal parking lot of junk plastic and Valkerie-shaped turds. On one flank, Vect and Abaddon, surrounded by Better-Than-My-Templar-Termies Terminators and Wyches, backhanded, nut-shotted, and Yokozuna Ass-Splashed Templar, Wolf, and Guardsman alike, while on the opposite flank, Typhus held up an arrogant palm. ‘Talk to the hand, Imperial bitches, ‘cause the flies ain’t listenin’.’ This universal signal for ‘halt’ was meekly respected by the dead, scared, and useless forces of the Imperium tasked with penetrating the right flank. Fun game, but barf-tastic performance from the ‘good’ guys. Congrats to the heretics on a solid victory against an intimidating force. May the Emperor forgive us for our loss. In penance, I limited my internet porn viewing for the day by 45 minutes. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trignama Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 OMG funnies AAR I think I have ever read, good one. Sucks for the loss though, Jasper will see to it you do penance..... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2963896 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eberious Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 +1, :D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2963908 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Laeroth Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I definitely got a good chuckle here. :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2963917 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firepower Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 OMG funnies AAR I think I have ever read, good one. Sucks for the loss though, Jasper will see to it you do penance..... Not sure how to approach this one actually. A livid, furious paddelum application would be the norm, but with the little note about porn, I'm worried our dear failure of a brother may actually enjoy his 'penance.' Although Jasper should be giddy about using his relic Newspaper to swat the nose of the equally flamboyantly failtastic wolves :( The Guard...well, who expected anything else? Maybe the valiant Techpriest might be spared punishment, but the rest failed, and lived, which means of course the only rational action is to kill them all as an example. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2964054 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Montressor Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DtRCNYE8Tc8/Tf_FBVuYIsI/AAAAAAAAAaU/ka_8cX8BZA8/s1600/angry%20marine%20heresy.png Great batrep! I lol'ed, I cried, I slew my enemies Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2964063 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshal Severarse Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 More penance? Sigh... --Power armoured trousers clatter to the floor. Marshal Severarse about-faces in a stately fashion and draws aside his pimp cape, exposing his bionic arse. 'Do what you must,' he says bravely.-- Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2965191 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Exedore Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 With "21.000 points and several feet of penis involved" and MAD DICE GOODS I must admit, it was the best you could have done - really. So, no need for me todo penance at all. Pleae put your trousers back on :lol: Do better next time - different deployment, or different units. Lex Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2965255 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hogun Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Any pics? Of the battle lol. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2967207 Share on other sites More sharing options...
philsminions Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Great, descriptive AAR...loved it! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2967213 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckPasadena Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Outstanding battle reporting!! As someone who proudly calls his Templar Mech crews "The Queens", I sincerely appreciate a little levity when the day and the dice were so very much working against you. BTW, I think your LRC drivers must share gene seed with mine, because I routinely pop the hatch not even halfway across the board because "Brother Can't See A Lick In That Helmet" routinely drives directly into oncoming heavy ordnance. If he manages to miss that he will, much like good old 'Brother Cross eyes" just high center it in dangerous terrain. so my poor CC Termies have to footslog the rest of the way to even start raising hell. That's why I've gone to Drop pods for the rest of the CC terms: the guys on the battlebarge are way more reliable from orbit than any driver in my crusade. BTW, how did you handle the (not mentioned but assumed) presence of Librarians with the Pups? I did a Apoc game with Ultramarine and Salamander teammates, and the Castellan merely typed up that "No Librarians were on the field to the best of my knowledge" leaving out the fact he spent the entire battle ensconced in an LRC with his eyes closed and shouting "LA LA LA I CAN'T SEE THEM SO THEY AREN'T HERE!". He left that little tidbit out. i do love a good Apoc game, though, because it truly proves the military maxim that "No Battle Plan Ever Survives Contact With The Enemy" Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245079-mega-battle-bumbling/#findComment-2967326 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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