Davylove21 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Hey there. I've had the general idea for these for a long time (even posted them before and then removing them) and I thought it time I updated them. [brackets contain questions I have, like who was CM of the Imperial Fists circa the 26th founding? Pugh?) Anyway, here's tonights work. Tomorrow I'll edit the post to include the formative battle. Sorry for posting incomplete work but if I didn't post it, I'd never finish it. There's not a lot there right now but bear with me. Thanks for reading. EDIT: Updated section: Beginnings Added concept colour schemes. Original colours After the Dread Quake Preceptor Unit Vladimir Pugh, master of the Imperial Fists, was briefed to prepare a detachment of his Imperial Fists to form the preceptor unit of a new chapter. They would be charged with the training of this chapter and a fundamental part of its history. Pugh held a meeting of his captains, almost begrudging in his knowledge that he was likely to lose some of his best men to this assignment. Eight of the most powerful beings in the Imperium, Pugh and seven of his captains not currently deployed, sat calmly around a table of Terran stone almost 2 feet deep. Behind them the great vistas of space poured into the command deck as servitors silently processed the glow of their hard-wired monitors. Crimson and cream purity seals crowded around ancient suits of dimly-lit armour and venerable weaponry that lined the cold stone clad walls. Discussions amongst the entire senior staff are rare occasions and the chapter itself breathes deeply in anticipation of new orders. Meetings such as these can take a considerable amount of time as each captain is given equal footing with the Chapter Master to discuss, question and ratify plans and tactics fastidiously laid out by Pugh. With this freedom comes debate that, whilst always respectful, can rage for hours amongst the stubborn will of a Space Marine commander. It was universally agreed that one of them should lead the training unit but that it would be a detriment to the Imperium to behead the 1st company of its leadership. Thus it was decided after much deliberation and several volunteers, that Hadron Cross, captain of the 2nd, would hand pick a squad of ten marines from across the chapter to accompany him, his companies apothecary and 5 Veterans from the 1st (although their suits of Terminator Armor were deemed too valuable (and unnecessary) to trust to the assignments of a new chapter and would stay behind) on this most honourable mission. Beginnings The new chapter was seemingly destined for success under the inspired leadership of Cross and his cadre of Fists. They were relentlessly drilled in advanced tactics by the veterans and the day to day care for and use of their armor and equipment by the other marines and born of some of the finest stock available to the Imperium. They spent their first few decades travelling with the Imperial Fists aboard the Phalanx whilst they awaited the requisition of their own cruiser. New recruits were garnered from suitable worlds that they came across and took part in various drop missions with their hosts. The marines of the Imperial Fists themselves spent as little time as possible with their guests. It was deemed that this founding should become its own chapter with its own traditions and preferences in battle. Whilst an imprint of their genetic legacy would certainly live on in them, it serves no purpose for the Emperor to have a carbon copy of the Imperial Fists. Hadron Cross would shape them in his own unique vision.. Cross' plan had always been to to forge this new chapter in battle and for the first twenty years, with Vladimir Pugh's blessing, the chapter fought alongside the Imperial Fists, under the direct command of Hadron. In all respects their own force on the battlefield, the new founding would accompany strike teams on small cleansing missions in which they would form the first assault waves on enemy positions before the Fists would sweep through the ranks of the enemy afterwards. Losses were heavy but those left at the end of those first decades were almost sure to be the captains of the chapters future. For their first century or so the chapter roamed the southern Segmentum Ultima taking on various low-level missions and recruiting where they could as their numbers slowly swelled. The Dread Quake A Space Marines existence is a long one and it was barely a blip in Cross' memory before his new charge had grown to a full company of marines. As they came towards the end of their mission, the Imperial Fist detachment were given word of a small Waaagh! that had grown under its own momentum and was currently on course for the planet Mesa Trios. Theirs was the closest vessel by a week but there is no dishonour in leaving the problem for a more experienced chapter. The warrior in Hadron Cross told them that the fledgling chapter would respond. The pragmatist in him told them to send the reinforcements too. Like Pugh had done a century before him, Hadron Cross called a meeting of his commanders Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 [brackets contain questions I have, like who was CM of the Imperial Fists circa the 26th founding? Pugh?) I think so, but I'm hardly the most reliable source when it comes to the Imperial Fists. Sorry. :lol: [Chapter Master] held a meeting of his captains, almost begrudging in his knowledge that he was likely to lose some of his best men to this assignment. It was universally agreed that one of them should lead the training unit but that it would be a detriment to the Imperium to behead the 1st company of its leadership. Thus it was decided that Hadron Cross, captain of the 2nd, would hand pick a squad of ten marines from across the chapter to accompany him, his companies apothecary and 5 Veterans from the 1st (although their suits of Terminator Armor were deemed to valuable to trust to the assignments of a new chapter and would stay behind) on this most honourable mission. He could just pick five veterans who didn't have Terminator Armour, you know - it's rare enough that not every veteran has it. :D For their first century [believable?] or so the chapter roamed the southern Segmentum Ultima taking on various low-level missions and recruiting where they could as their numbers slowly swelled. Yup. That's probably enough time to bring your chapter up to optimal strength, assuming that you're fleet-based and thus recruiting from all over the place as you go along. If I'm wrong, I'm sure my fellow Liberites will destroy correct me into the ground. A Space Marines existence is a long one and it was barely a blip in Cross' memory before his new charge had grown to a full company of marines. As they came towards the end of their mission, the Imperial Fist detachment were given word of a small Waaagh! that had grown under its own momentum and was currently on course for the planet Mesa Trios. Theirs was the closest vessel by a week [Proper timescale?] but there is no dishonour in leaving the problem for a more experienced chapter. Just saying they were the nearest Imperial force would cover it. :D Seven days is a different length of time on (probably) each planet, so a week becomes probably the vaguest timescale the Imperium has. ^_^ The warrior in Hadron Cross told them that the fledgling chapter would respond. The pragmatist in him told them to send the reinforcements too. Awesome. That's an Imperial Fist, right enough. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2964282 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew J Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Reads like a good enough beginning. I like where you are going with it. Just need to flesh it out now. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2965830 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 (although their suits of Terminator Armor were deemed to valuable to trust to the assignments of a new chapter and would stay behind) As far as I am aware, a Veteran does not "own" a suit of Terminator armor. 99% of the time, there's not enough suits to go around, unless you're a Dark Angel Chapter. A veteran is trained in the use of Terminator armor and uses it when required. I don't think any Chapter is expected or required by some law to give over precious relics like Terminator armor, although they may certainly do so as a matter of tradition or courtesy to a descendant Chapter. For their first century [believable?] or so the chapter roamed the southern Segmentum Ultima taking on various low-level missions and recruiting where they could as their numbers slowly swelled. I guess. --- I need much more to give a more detailed critique. EDIT: And why the heck are they named Shock Attestants? Does not sound very... Astartes. And what's a dread quake? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2965922 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hey all, Updated the Preceptor Unit section a little, tried to give it more atmosphere although the whole thing is still very WIP My writing process is to outline, add and edit in that order so please bear with me as this IA evolves - I am taking on many of your comments and whilst I'm obviously not bound by them, they're certainly helpful. The reasoning behind Shock Attestants will be revealed but obviously refers to a formative event in their history - namely the dread quake. As I say, all will be revealed but I don't know how it'll read until I write it lol so it's fair game for alteration. I'll post it up before though for some C&C Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2966894 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cromat Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I will say this. This is much better than your first draft. Everything is set up for this dread quake, so I look forward to reading what it is. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2967235 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Added to the middle section now and more clearly defined in my mind the flow of this IA. It's still a little jumpy but it's still in that ideas ball phase. C+C welcome and as ever I'd love your views on its authenticity in terms of the overall canon. Thanks for reading, -Davy Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968009 Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightrawenII Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 The reasoning behind Shock Attestants will be revealed but obviously refers to a formative event in their history - namely the dread quake. As I say, all will be revealed but I don't know how it'll read until I write it lol so it's fair game for alteration. I'll post it up before though for some C&C I'm going to say just one thing, which will propably ruin all the fun. *The apocalyptic event in the early history of Chapter* scenario after which is the Chapter completely reformed in way of combat doctrine, organisation and belief is one of most over(ab)used cliché cokie-cutters in the Liber. So please, I beg you, be a little innovative in execution, if not in concept. ~NightrawenII. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968437 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 I agree with you to a point I think the key is the term "abuse". Cliché isn't a bad thing (in fact, many stories actively need them) and one mustn't shy away from writing naturally out of fear of being like something else someone has done because of course it has all been done before. I'm not going to suddenly change their combat doctrines because they don't have their own preferences yet lol. Their beliefs will certainly change in line with things that happen to them. One example would be should the Emprah come back from the dead, beat a custode and then say "Bring me Eldar women!" before dying again, he would reshape the entire belief structure of just about everyone. Space Marines would go on Craftworld beat crusades whilst the custodes would probably make a charity anthem for their considerably embarrassed co-worker. Who knows what the Inquisition would do, probably shoot themselves and the Imperial Guard would start making all kinds of pervy dioramas I don't really know what my point is lol, other than to say I hear you brah, leave it with me. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968519 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Vladimir Pugh, master of the Imperial Fists, was briefed to prepare a detachment of his Imperial Fists to form the preceptor unit of a new chapter. They would be charged with the training of this chapter and a fundamental part of its history. Pugh held a meeting of his captains, almost begrudging in his knowledge that he was likely to lose some of his best men to this assignment. Eight of the most powerful beings in the Imperium, Pugh and seven of his captains not currently deployed, sat calmly around a table of Terran stone almost 2 feet deep. Behind them the great vistas of space poured into the command deck as servitors silently processed the glow of their hard-wired monitors. Crimson and cream purity seals crowded around ancient suits of dimly-lit armour and venerable weaponry that lined the cold stone clad walls. Discussions amongst the entire senior staff are rare occasions and the chapter itself breathes deeply in anticipation of new orders. Meetings such as these can take a considerable amount of time as each captain is given equal footing with the Chapter Master to discuss, question and ratify plans and tactics fastidiously laid out by Pugh. With this freedom comes debate that, whilst always respectful, can rage for hours amongst the stubborn will of a Space Marine commander. It was universally agreed that one of them should lead the training unit but that it would be a detriment to the Imperium to behead the 1st company of its leadership. Thus it was decided after much deliberation and several volunteers, that Hadron Cross, captain of the 2nd, would hand pick a squad of ten marines from across the chapter to accompany him, his companies apothecary and 5 Veterans from the 1st (although their suits of Terminator Armor were deemed too valuable (and unnecessary) to trust to the assignments of a new chapter and would stay behind) on this most honourable mission. This sounds like the beginning to a narrative. An IA is a different format, more of an overarching omniscient essay of a Chapter. The new chapter was seemingly destined for success under the inspired leadership of Cross and his cadre of Fists. They were relentlessly drilled in advanced tactics by the veterans and the day to day care for and use of their armor and equipment by the other marines and born of some of the finest stock available to the Imperium. They spent their first few decades travelling with the Imperial Fists aboard the Phalanx whilst they awaited the requisition of their own cruiser. New recruits were garnered from suitable worlds that they came across and took part in various drop missions with their hosts. The marines of the Imperial Fists themselves spent as little time as possible with their guests. It was deemed that this founding should become its own chapter with its own traditions and preferences in battle. Whilst an imprint of their genetic legacy would certainly live on in them, it serves no purpose for the Emperor to have a carbon copy of the Imperial Fists. Hadron Cross would shape them in his own unique vision.. Cross' plan had always been to to forge this new chapter in battle and for the first twenty years, with Vladimir Pugh's blessing, the chapter fought alongside the Imperial Fists, under the direct command of Hadron. In all respects their own force on the battlefield, the new founding would accompany strike teams on small cleansing missions in which they would form the first assault waves on enemy positions before the Fists would sweep through the ranks of the enemy afterwards. Losses were heavy but those left at the end of those first decades were almost sure to be the captains of the chapters future. For their first century or so the chapter roamed the southern Segmentum Ultima taking on various low-level missions and recruiting where they could as their numbers slowly swelled. A Space Marines existence is a long one and it was barely a blip in Cross' memory before his new charge had grown to a full company of marines. As they came towards the end of their mission, the Imperial Fist detachment were given word of a small Waaagh! that had grown under its own momentum and was currently on course for the planet Mesa Trios. Theirs was the closest vessel by a week but there is no dishonour in leaving the problem for a more experienced chapter. The warrior in Hadron Cross told them that the fledgling chapter would respond. The pragmatist in him told them to send the reinforcements too. Like Pugh had done a century before him, Hadron Cross called a meeting of his commanders You are rambling too much and getting into unnecessary details. I can condense this whole thing into three sentences. Imperial Fists found a new Chapter, Vladimir grumble grumbles and picks 2nd Company Captain to lead them. New Chapter fights alongside Imperial Fists for a while. New Chapter gets ready to face off with an Ork WAAAGH. I need you to please start getting into the meat of the Chapter, the who why and how. Because I still don't have the faintest idea of who the Chapter is and what they are about. If nothing else write down a one sentence description so we have something to work with. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968751 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 I think it's quite concise actually. It only needs about 500-750 more words of "rambling" before I can bullet point all the little details for you. Anything less than that would be doing myself an injustice. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968804 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 I made it more concise. Three sentences concise. I really want to get to the bottom of the who and the what and the why and the how. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968873 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 Well done to you. What you want has no bearing on what I do of course and I just happen to believe in a happy medium between 3 sentences and wordy. I'm like Dickens in that respect I suppose. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968879 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Well then what are you here for? We all come here to read the who, the what, the why and the how of an IA. So, do you have some material or ideas that we can hear now, or do I have to spend my nights anxiously pacing and tearing out my hair in anticipation of the next installment? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968883 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davylove21 Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 The latter. "As agreed" Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2968962 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bannus Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am temporarily closing this thread. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2969057 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bannus Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Alright, I have reopened the thread. Before anyone posts anything further, please keep in mind that it must be constructive and that when it comes to an opinion - everyone is entitled to one, but we must remain respectful of others. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2969460 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malthe Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Not much to say at this point, since you have yet to describe the defining event of your chapter, but I'll use the wait to throw in a few comments: Generally I think you're off to a good start. The language is flowing well, and your description of the setting is quite evocative. However, the format in which you have choosen to begin your article, differs from what is usually seen around here (as you are no doubt aware). This is not necessarily a bad thing, but simply something you should be aware of. The standard IA format is proven effective in delivering the information usually contained within a DIY article. That you have choosen to depart from this format means that you may find it helpful to contemplate how your way of writing adds or subtracts form the norm. What are you strenghts and weaknesses, if so to speak. I believe this reflection will benefit your DIY immensly. Also, bear in mind that it is easier for the community to help you with critique and advice if you explain to us, what your goals are for this article. Are you going for the Liber? Do you want something to show your gaming-buddies before deploying your lovingly painted marines to the gameboard? Or are you simply experimenting with crafting a DYI article, for no other reason than the experience of having done so, and the lessons learned from it? There are of course many differnt options and reasons for writing an article on this board, but no matter which is your's, it will ease the process if you tell us :( Also, it might provide you with some additional inspiration! Carrying on: The center-alignment of your text is hard on the eyes if used throughout an entire article. Often it is used for quotes or small fluff-boxes contained within the article. I advise you to use a traditional left-to-right alignment, especially if you plan to add significantly to the length of your article. Regarding your colour-scheme: If I were you I'd lighten the black parts a little bit. A dark gray usually looks much better than complete black. Also, I'd drop the black belt. I think it looks a little odd and it reminds me of karate :P Last; be careful with the yellow hands. I think it's doable, but you'll probably have to experiment to find a tone that matches the red. I suggest that the hands be painted in a darker tone than the primary colour, otherwise people's eyes will be drawn directly to the hands of your marines, which is rarely advicable. Play with it. That's all for now, I'll be on the lookout for an update about the actual Dread Quake. Cheers! p.s. About the name 'Shock Attestants', I'm not sure what I think. Of course it's probably the most personality dependent bit of any DIY article... To me it conjures up images of a missionary (apocalyptic?) cult, clad in brightly coloured robes and employing flowering rethorics. What does it do to you? p.p.s. Check out the old Painter for access to wargear options and robes if you feel like it ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/245091-shock-attestants/#findComment-2969603 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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