The Angels Ascendant

[Culebras]

Greetings. This is my first shot at making a chapter. Was hoping to get some feedback. Right now I have some basic ideas about history and fluff but not alot of juicy details. I listed them in bullet format in order to emphasize the important points. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

---Update----

Added more details regarding the history as well as more info regarding beliefs, the chapter home world, and organization.

 

Chapter Name: The Angels Ascendant

Points

Nickname: Informally known as the Ascendants

Origin: Dark Angels Successor, member of the Unforgiven

Homeworld: Pender-hast, Early industrial level technology level. Population divided into city-states.

Recruitment: Currently, the chapter does not use “perfect specimens” but chooses recruits that are physically weak but have strong wills. They are then made strong through the implantation process.

 

History

• Given the homeworld of Pender-hast which was chosen for the combination of strong wills and genetic purity possessed by its inhabitants.

 

• After the Chapter was founded, several long campaigns and hunts for the fallen followed. Almost immediately, the chapter made a name for itself with its crusading zeal. In their early days, the ascendants were very focused on both hunting the fallen and proving their worth. The chapter stayed in "campaign mode" much longer than they should have according to the Codex Astartes.

 

• With their eyes fixed continually on the hunt for the fallen and the tides of war, they began to devote less time to the affairs of Pender-Hast’s. In time, the recruitment process was partially handed over to the governors who controlled the planet’s dozen city major states. A system of patronage was installed to encourage the leaders to comply and public games were put into place to allow the population to witness their recruits in action.

 

• Initially, the system worked quite well. Nationalism and competition between city states (both for honor and the desire for wealth), led to several generations of superior specimens. The populace was sated by the spectacle and the chapter gained strong young recruits.

 

• The governors, under continual pressure to produce viable candidates and greedily desiring the rewards that came with the chapter’s patronage, focused on outdoing each other by any means necessary. The less wealthy cities began to cut corners by various means, including by employing illegal performance enhancing drugs, faking psychiatric screenings, and even poisoning the competition. Soon, these practices spread to every major city. In time, this resulted in increasing numbers of physically exceptional recruits with borderline personality issues.

 

• Lax oversight during the recruiting process allows the problem to go unchecked for several hundred years until it had become a chapter-wide epidemic. On occasion, individuals took notice and raised concerns with the inner circle, but they were consistently over-ruled. The chapter needed a constant stream of new recruits to replace the ones they lost in battle during their constant campaigns and hunts, and nothing could be allowed to interfere with the pursuit of the fallen. Slowing down the recruiting process or imposing additional restrictions would have created unacceptable delays. Instead, the chapter began to over-rely on mental conditioning and indoctrination in order to compensate.

 

• The entire situation came to a head when one individual, a power-hungry Captain named Asmodel, staged a secret coup that eventually started a full-blown chapter civil war.

 

• Chapter War details:

o Asmodel, a proud marine with psychopathic tendencies, becomes head of the Angelwing, the chapters 2nd company. Asmodel was extremely charming, charismatic, and completely incapable of feeling guilt. He was also supremely arrogant and ambitious.

 

o At the time, the chapter was led by a marine named Krastus, who was just as unstable as Asmodel. Instead of blinding ambition, Krastus was afflicted with an obsessive personality and a serious inferiority complex.

 

o Krastus believed that the other Unforgiven looked down on his chapter, and he was convinced that only a grand triumph would earn their respect. He obsessed over capturing a fallen of sufficient and ignominy that the others would be forced to acknowledge him. In short, he wanted to capture Cypher or another marine of equal infamy, and he used every resource at his disposal to follow up on even the thinnest scrap of information.

 

o Krastus was not a popular leader as he tended to hold grudges and promote captains based on age, not merit. He rarely accepted advice from others, and his tone and manners did not endear him to his men. He would spend weeks holed up in his quarters poring over charts or studying reports, leaving the chapter to more or less struggle on without him.

 

o To make matters worse, Krastus ham-strung the ability of the 10th company to exert quality control over recruits. He essentially doubled the demands on the city states for more candidates, which only made the chapter’s initiate problem worse.

 

o Under Krastus' leadership, the chapter had been dangerously over-extended. It was running at between three-quarters and half strength most of the time and with the reserve companies almost completely depleted. Most of the weight (and casualties) were being born by the major line companies. Meanwhile, Krastus kept the 1st, 2nd, and 10th companies at maximum capacity in order to continue his obsessive pursuits, but even this was proving difficult as line fatigue took its toll. Had Krastus continued to lead, he would have run the chapter into oblivion.

 

o Krastus’ actions, isolation, and inferiority complex caused the chapter leadership to fragment into numerous minor conclaves and cliques. The Inner circle barely existed, let alone served any meaningful function, and relations had deteriorated badly between the Ascendants and the other Unforgiven Chapters. Morale was low, and Krastus was making no effort to fix it. As a result, the captains and veterans began to meet in secret to express their anger and frustration as well as their fears about what lay in the chapter's future.

 

o The situation came to a head when Asmodel and his Angelwing successfully captured a well-known and much hated member of the fallen; Cruxus.

 

o Cruxus was a master manipulator and near perfect judge of character. He had recognized the problems within the Ascendants and moved to take advantage of that.

 

o After several weeks of fruitless interrogation, Cruxus to confess and provide information about other members of the fallen, but only to the marine that had captured him, the young Captain Asmodel.

 

o In truth, the capture of Cruxus was no accident. He had planned to be captured and prepared accordingly. He was able to prey on Krastus' obsession by offering him information on the "bigger fish" he wanted. As expected, the chapter master, acting against the advice of his own chaplains, allowed the meeting between Asmodel and Cruxus.

 

o Over the course of several months, the captain fell under the sway of the fallen, who took advantage of Asmodel’s ambitions and pride.

 

o Asmodel was, like many psychopaths, extremely charismatic and able to fake feelings of empathy. He went to each of the various conclaves that had sprung up within the chapter and acted as if he shared their concerns. From these, he began to gather a circle of individuals who were the most disgruntled or devoted. These became the foundation of the Choosen, a secret cabal of marines loyal to him. He lured them to his side by speaking of a renaissance for the chapter, and he inspired them with talk of the Ascendants reborn. What he didn't tell them was what that rebirth would cost.

 

o Once he had managed to tap into the overwhelming current of discontent, all that was required was an accident. Fortunately, Cruxus already had that taken care of. The fallen had been feeding information through Asmodel to Krastus and the Chapter Master was heedless of any treachery or trap that might have stood between him and the focus of his obsession.

 

o When the time came for the attack, Krastus choose to lead the attack personally. He and several members of the inner circle launched a teleporting attack against what they assumed to be a Fallen stronghold, expecting to catch them by surprise with the full force of the first and second company. However, when the teleporting beam faded, each member of the Inner circle found themselves alone, surrounded by foes prepared for their arrival. Isolated and outnumbered, they had no chance.

 

o With the Angels Ascendant Chapter Master, the Captain of the First Company, and several of its finest leaders dead, it was easy for Asmodel rally the survivors behind his leadership. Almost simultaneously, Cruxus escaped from his cell and slaughtered the few remaining chaplains himself. The coup was complete. Over the course of several months, Asmodel would go on to install marines loyal to him in almost all positions of power. Only a handful suspected the truth.

 

o In order to avoid alerting the other Unforgiven chapters to his traitorous activities, Chapter Master Asmodel took steps to hide his actions. After years of Krastus and his hostile relationship with the Dark Angel chapters, Asmodel worked to improve relationships with the other Unforgiven. Compared to the unstable and anti-social Krastus, who was considered obsessive even by the standards of the Dark Angels, Asmodel seemed like an eloquent and supremely qualified successor.

 

o While on the surface, Asmodel worked to repair the Ascendants image, behind the scenes, the chapter was beginning to spiral down into heresy and cooperation with the very Fallen they once hunted.

 

o Brother Nurial, the Captain of the tenth company and master of recruits, was one of the few to suspect the heretical course the chapter leadership is taking.

 

o Nurial was an old, uncharismatic, and difficult to like Marine who had initially resented his appointment to the 10th company. His conflicts with Asmodel were well documented and dating back several decades. While Nurial suspected Asmodel’s involvement in Krastus’ death, he had no proof. The former chapter master’s demise had been written off as a terrible tragedy and all information buried or conveniently misplaced.

 

o Meanwhile, dark and insidious coincidences began occur. Strangers arriving in the night, marines disappearing suddenly on secret missions. Casualties being quietly written off without record. Nurial knew that something bad was happening, but he was frozen out and effectively isolated. He almost lost hope

 

o During what should have been a routine inspection, Nurial witnessed a young boy with a fierce will but sickly body deemed too weak to be a recruit. Despite the lack of physical strength, the young man’s incredible dedication and unbending spirit left an impression. Secretly, Nurial overrode the rejection letter and ordered the boy included among the initiates. That boys name was Roshan and he would one day change the chapter itself.

 

o Surprisingly, Roshan excelled fantastically as an initiate, overcoming many obstacles with intelligence rather than brute strength. He graduated to become one of the youngest sergeants in chapter history

 

o Roshan’s rising popularity marked him as a threat to the Choosen. Rather than kill him directly, Asmodel choose to dispatch him on a number of suicide missions with the expectation that he would perish in battle.

 

o Despite heavy odds, Roshan succeeded and returned Pender-hast more popular than ever. Now fearing him as a direct threat, Asmodel dispatched his chaos allies to silence him

 

o Forewarned by Nurial, at the cost of the elder marines life, Roshan escaped with a third of the chapter’s forces and evidence of Asmodel’s collusion with the fallen.

 

o However, upon arriving at the Rock, Roshan’s claims were met with disbelief by the Unforgiven who found it difficult to believe that one of their own could fall so far.

 

o Asmodel’s own plots would prove his undoing. Corial, a member of the chosen and captain of the corrupted Angelwing, appeared before the council to counter Roshan’s claims. With him came the insensate body of Zorius, a notorious member of the fallen, who was presented to the Dark Angels as proof of the Ascendant’s continued loyalty. Unbeknownst to the hapless Corial, Asmodel had placed a powerful explosive charge within Zorius’ body in a plot to kill the chapter masters of all the Unforgiven in one stroke. Only the quick thinking of several Dark Angels and the summary execution of Corial at the hands of the Keeper of the Truth prevented a catastrophe from occurring.

 

o With evidence of Asmodel’s treachery laid bare for all to seen, the Dark Angels and loyalist Ascendants launched an attack against the Ascendant’s Chapter Monastery. The renegade Choosen were eradicated, though Asmodel and his Fallen masters escape retribution.

 

o Roshan was named the new Chapter Master. He instituted sweeping changes in the recruitment process, as well as expanding the Angelwings mission to include former Asmodel and his Fallen Masters.

 

Structure

The chapter follows the codex standard structure with the normal exceptions seen in Dark Angel successor chapters. The chapter’s first and second companies are referred to as the Doomwing and Angelwing, respectively.

During the Chapter War, the majority of both these companies sided with Asmodel and were heavily decimated. As a result, the first and second companies are currently under strength and under equipped. The chapter can no longer field an entire company of Terminators as many of the suits were stolen or destroyed, along with many of the bikes. To compensate, the chapter’s surviving dreadnoughts were permanently assigned to reinforce the doomwing.

Recruitment

 

Originally, the chapter recruited individuals based heavily on physical prowess and with little regard for mental stability. After the Chapter War was finished, Chapter Master Roshan changed the recruitment policy to only allow youths with extremely stable personalities. The sick and weak were deliberately targeted according to the belief that individuals who were not naturally strong would be more likely to view their transformation as a gift rather than a prize to be won or taken for granted. In the Words of the Late Nurial

 

“We can build muscles but we can’t build wills. Strengthening the body is easy, but I have yet to see an exercise that strengthens the soul.” Captain Nurial, Master of Recruits

 

Beliefs

The Angels Ascendant believe that the Primarch of the Dark Angels, Lion-el Johnson, was highly favored by the Emperor and had a grand destiny in store for him and his legion. They point to the devastation of Caliban and the disappearance of Johnson as proof of their beliefs, since the dark Angels were the sole loyal legion to lose its home world during the Heresy.

 

They also maintain a belief in the idea of “Ascension,” a loosely defined concept based on military achievement and constant personal introspection. The idea was applied on both a personal and chapter wide level. Individual marines were taught to see their training as a journey towards martial and spiritual perfection, and their progress reflected on the chapter as a whole. Personal failures, therefore, diminished the chapter.

Before the Chapter War, Ascension was viewed as a literal process. Each military conquest was meticulously recorded and preserved. Every successful hunt for the fallen was viewed as one more step towards reclaiming their rightful position in the Imperium. Victory was exalted above all else and failures brought only shame. Marines marked their armor with kill tallies to demonstrate their progression, and marks of honor were woven into their robes to represent felicitous or momentous achievements.

 

Since the Chapter War and the reforms Roshan imposed, the Ascendants have been forced to come to grips with their own failures and shame. The Chapter leadership no longer views ascension as an achievable goal but an impossible ideal that they must struggle to live towards. The chapter has come to accept that the destiny of Lion-el Johnson is forever lost to them, but that is no excuse for them to abandon their duty. The Fallen must be found and captured, the imperium must be defended, and the enemies of man must be slain. If there is a destiny for the Angels Ascendant now, it is of their own doing.

 

Planet

Pender-hast is a cold, storm-swept, and rocky world located to the galactic Northeast. Records dating back to the Great crusade list it is as having been discovered and brought into compliance by a support fleet of in service to the Dark Angel Primarch Lion-el Johnson (though it is unlikely any member of his legion ever set foot there). The world’s moniker is drawn from the names of its two continents, the equatorial landmass of Pender’s fall and the northern region known as Hast.

 

Besides its two continents, the planet is ringed by an immense ocean which naturally produces incredibly powerful summer hurricanes and freezing winter blizzards. Pender-hast’s human population is concentrated on the heavily mountainous northern continent, where the majority take refugee in large, self-sufficient city-states. The geography of Hast’s rock coastline has long worked as a buffer against the planets ferocious storms, but it comes at a price. In the spring and fall, flooding turns the arable land into fetid marshes, creating the perfect breeding ground for parasites, diseases, and dangerous predators.

 

The city states of Hast are smoky, dark places of cobbled stone and ash belching chimneys. The planets rich supplies of coal were long ago tapped to provide cheap power and heat, both to wade off the ever-present chill and the dangerous predators that stalk the moors. The poorest of the populace live in crowded tenements and spend their short lives laboring in factories or pulling ore from the countless mines that dot the mountainside. The rich, on the other hand, construct large estates atop the numerous bluffs and cliff sides, where the air is cleaner and the views grander.

 

Even the youngest city-state is several thousand years old, but all share a few common traits. All Hastians shares a mild obsession with physical perfection. The oldest of folk traditions hold that deformed infants should abandoned on the moors, to be devoured by predators or worse, raised by wandering bands of gibbering mutants. Hunting these aberrations is seen as both a sport and a point of honor that unites all the planets inhabitants, regardless of social class. In addition to their interest in physical perfection is a deeply ingrained sense of duty and national identity. Civic pride runs thick and competition between city states can be extremely heated. Children are raised to think of themselves as citizens of their city-state first, their family second, and the Imperium a distant third.

 

The third and final trait shared by all the people of Pender-hast is their respect for secrets. While Hast is a cold and inhospitable land, its sister continent of Pender's fall is warm and tropical. Yet, the Hastians refuse to return to this region for reasons both ancient and mysterious. At the time of its discovery during the great crusade, Pender's Fall was the home of a thriving and advanced civilization but today no trace of that culture remains. Explorator teams have returned empty handed, if they return at all. Today, Pender's Fall is a dark continent, covered by thick jungles and decaying ruins but still brimming with resources for the claiming. And yet, the Hastians have made no effort to explore this region, wisely choosing to allow whatever secrets that lie there to remain buried.

 

When the chapter was founded, its main fortress monastery was erected on the most stable section of Pender's Fall, as the isolation and thick natural terrain would provide ample defenses against attackers.

 

Not quite sure where to proceed from here.

[Llagos_Tyrant]

I like the name and the background, although my one critique is that Roshan seemingly rose from Sergeant, to Chapter Master.

 

I would have liked to see him developed more fully but I suppose that with the Chapter Master against him along with most of the officers, advancement would be incredibly difficult.

 

Still though I like it, and would like to see the back story expanded.

 

Question - if the Captain of the Tenth Company was suspicious, wouldn't he think of notifying the Dark Angels themselves? Even if they only took his words to a point, for example believing that a few of them may be corrupt would make them increase security. Wasn't there also some great shame that one of the legions let a nuke near their primarch and the Emperor? If I recall correctly, that was the DA. I guess some people never learn :rolleyes:

[Culebras]

I like the name and the background, although my one critique is that Roshan seemingly rose from Sergeant, to Chapter Master.

 

I would have liked to see him developed more fully but I suppose that with the Chapter Master against him along with most of the officers, advancement would be incredibly difficult.

 

Still though I like it, and would like to see the back story expanded.

 

Question - if the Captain of the Tenth Company was suspicious, wouldn't he think of notifying the Dark Angels themselves? Even if they only took his words to a point, for example believing that a few of them may be corrupt would make them increase security. Wasn't there also some great shame that one of the legions let a nuke near their primarch and the Emperor? If I recall correctly, that was the DA. I guess some people never learn :D

 

I figured that Sgt. Roshan advanced to the rank of Captain during the suicide missions he was sent on (though maybe just captain of the 7th company since that is mostly a reserve company.) It would probably have taken the form of a field commission and Asmodel allowed it because he kept expecting Roshan to die.

 

As for Captain Nurial, I see him as sort of an old warrior who recognized the sickness enveloping his chapter but having little options to counteract it. I'm sort of drawing from other marines, such as Garviel Loken and Nathanial Garro, who also watched their brothers slide into darkness. My position is that Nurial only had speculation and suspicion, not actual proof. If he had gone to the other Dark Angels with just that, he would have been dismissed, or worse. Further, it could be that the Master of Recruits is not supposed to know about the fallen since that secret was only supposed to be confined to a select few. If Nurial did know about the fallen, it might have made the other Dark Angels less inclined to trust his word.

 

One element I did not include was the idea that the "proof" Roshan initially takes to the other Unforgiven is a recording of Asmodel and a Fallen executing Nurial. Even then, the council would have been very reluctant to consider that one of their own could have been so thoroughly corrupted. Recordings can be falsified, after all. To countenance that would be to admit that all their precautions and efforts to atone for the past had not been sufficient to keep events from repeating.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comment, I will try and write up more info on Sgt. Roshan.

[CantonWC]

Time to crack out the sledge hammer.

 

• The planet's governors, under pressure to produce viable candidates and greedily desiring the chapter’s patronage, focused on outdoing each other by any means necessary. This resulted in physically exceptional recruits with borderline personality issues.

• Lax oversight during the recruiting process allowed the problem to go unchecked for several hundred years until it became a chapter-wide epidemic.

 

No one notices... for hundreds of years. Not buying it.

 

o Cruxus agrees to confess and provide information about other members of the fallen, but only to Asmodel.

 

o Over the course of several months, the captain falls under the sway of the fallen, who preys on Asmodel’s ambitions.

 

Why? A Fallen Angel does not get to negotiate the terms of his own interrogation. He is tortured until the Dark Angels get what they want out of him. After that he is tortured some more until he repents. If he doesn't repent he is tortured until he dies.

 

I don't see how it is possible that a Fallen Angel would be allowed to live and influence a member of the Inner Circle for several months.

 

o Asmodel begins to build a cabal of loyal followers from members of the Angelwing and other companies. They refer to themselves as the chosen.

 

o Staging a secret coup, Asmodel and his chosen engineer the assassination of the Angels Ascendant Chapter Master and the Captain of the First Company. Asmodel replaces the fallen leader and installs marines loyal to him in almost all positions of power. Only a handful of marines suspect the truth.

 

o Because of strong ties between the Unforgiven, Chapter Master Asmodel must hide his actions. The Angels Ascendants begin to spiral down into heresy and cooperation with the very Fallen they once hunted.

 

Okay... So first off, how does no one notice that this man is assembling a group with nefarious intent? What does he tell them to make them turn on their own Chapter?

 

In order for his coup to work, he would have to kill off the entire Inner Circle, the only people who know who the Fallen really are. Unforgiven Chapters by and large follow the same pattern of organization, so the Inner Circle will likely look like this:

 

The Grand Master

All 10 of the Company Masters

All of the Interrogator Chaplains and all of the Librarians

The Master of the Forge

The Chief Apothecary

The entire Deathwing knows just enough to be a threat

 

This coup cannot possibly work.

 

o Roshan’s claims are met with disbelief by the Unforgiven who find it difficult to believe that one of the Unforgiven could fall so far.

 

Why not? The Inner Circles know, better than anyone, how easy it can be for an Astartes to turn on his own brothers.

 

Further, it could be that the Master of Recruits is not supposed to know about the fallen since that secret was only supposed to be confined to a select few. If Nurial did know about the fallen, it might have made the other Dark Angels less inclined to trust his word.

 

In the usual Inner Circle organization, all 10 Company Masters are members of the Inner Circle. Nurial would know.

 

Even then, the council would have been very reluctant to consider that one of their own could have been so thoroughly corrupted. Recordings can be falsified, after all. To countenance that would be to admit that all their precautions and efforts to atone for the past had not been sufficient to keep events from repeating.

 

Again, why not. They know better than anyone how easy it can be to turn.

 

----

 

I don't know... this thing is based on premises that require too much of a leap in logic to be believable.

 

CWC

[Culebras]

First off, thank you CantonWC for your unabashedly honest response. It was exactly the sort of feedback I was looking for.

 

I spent some time today trying to answer your points, but then realized I was writing a book, not a chapter, so I started over. Hopefully, my responses help solve these issues.

 

Ok, time to dive in

 

• The planet's governors, under pressure to produce viable candidates and greedily desiring the chapter’s patronage, focused on outdoing each other by any means necessary. This resulted in physically exceptional recruits with borderline personality issues.

• Lax oversight during the recruiting process allowed the problem to go unchecked for several hundred years until it became a chapter-wide epidemic.

 

No one notices... for hundreds of years. Not buying it.

 

 

There may have been individuals who noticed and raised concerns, but they were likely over-ruled. In their early days, the ascendants were very focused on hunting the fallen and so kept most of their attention off world. The chapter stayed in "campaign mode" alot longer than they should have according to the Codex Astartes. This meant they tended to take heavy casualties, and so needed a constant stream of new recruits to replace the ones they lost.

 

Slowing down the recruiting process or imposing additional limits would have created a problem for this, and so they likely tried to find other ways of fixing the problems (additional mental conditioning for example)

 

 

o Cruxus agrees to confess and provide information about other members of the fallen, but only to Asmodel.

 

o Over the course of several months, the captain falls under the sway of the fallen, who preys on Asmodel’s ambitions.

 

Why? A Fallen Angel does not get to negotiate the terms of his own interrogation. He is tortured until the Dark Angels get what they want out of him. After that he is tortured some more until he repents. If he doesn't repent he is tortured until he dies.

 

I don't see how it is possible that a Fallen Angel would be allowed to live and influence a member of the Inner Circle for several months.

 

 

You have a good point. To explain this, I wrote up the backstory for the Chapter Master before Asmodel; Krastus

 

Basicaly, Krastus was just as unstable as Asmodel, though instead of blinding ambition, Krastus was afflicted with an obsessive personality and a serious inferiority complex.

 

-Krastus believed that the other Unforgiven looked down on his chapter, and he was convinced that only a grand triumph would earn their respect. He obsessed over capturing a fallen of incrediblefame and ignominy that would fulfill his desires. In short, he wanted to capture Cypher or another Marine of equal infamy, and he used every resource at his disposal to follow up on even the thinnest scrap of information.

 

Into this situation comes Cruxus. The first thing you have to know about him is that he was a master manipulator and near perfect judge of character. He recognized the problems within the Ascendants and moved to take advantage of that. Secondly, the capture of Cruxus was no accident. He had planned to be captured and prepared accordingly.

 

Once he was taken prisoner, he was able to prey on Krastus' obsession by offering him information on the "bigger fish" he wanted. Krastus, acting against the advice of his own chaplains, allowed the meeting between Asmodel and Cruxus. Later, He was able to prey on Asmodel's own pride and desires by inflating his ego.

 

 

o Asmodel begins to build a cabal of loyal followers from members of the Angelwing and other companies. They refer to themselves as the chosen.

 

o Staging a secret coup, Asmodel and his chosen engineer the assassination of the Angels Ascendant Chapter Master and the Captain of the First Company. Asmodel replaces the fallen leader and installs marines loyal to him in almost all positions of power. Only a handful of marines suspect the truth.

 

o Because of strong ties between the Unforgiven, Chapter Master Asmodel must hide his actions. The Angels Ascendants begin to spiral down into heresy and cooperation with the very Fallen they once hunted.

 

Okay... So first off, how does no one notice that this man is assembling a group with nefarious intent? What does he tell them to make them turn on their own Chapter?

 

In order for his coup to work, he would have to kill off the entire Inner Circle, the only people who know who the Fallen really are. Unforgiven Chapters by and large follow the same pattern of organization, so the Inner Circle will likely look like this:

 

The Grand Master

All 10 of the Company Masters

All of the Interrogator Chaplains and all of the Librarians

The Master of the Forge

The Chief Apothecary

The entire Deathwing knows just enough to be a threat

 

This coup cannot possibly work.

 

 

Not so, you are assuming the chapter was completely unified behind Krastus and that Asmodel simply swept in and seized power. The truth was far different.

 

-Krastus was not a popular leader as he tended to hold grudges and promote captains based on age, not merit. He rarely accepted advice from others, and his tone and manners did not endear him to his men. He would spend weeks holed up in his quarters poring over charts or studying reports, leaving the chapter to more or less struggle on without him.

 

-Further, Krastus ham-strung the ability of the 10th company to exert quality control over recruits by usurping their authority. He essentially doubled the demands on the city states for more candidates, which only made the problem worse.

 

-Under Krastus' leadership, the chapter was dangerously over-extended. It was running at between three-quarters and half strength most of the time with the reserve companies almost completely depleted. Most of the weight (and casualties) were being born by the major line companies. Meanwhile, Krastus kept the 1st, 2nd, and 10th companies at maximum capacity in order to continue his obsessive pursuits, but even this was proving difficult as line fatigue took its toll. Had Krastus continued to lead, he would have run the chapter into oblivion.

 

-Even before Cruxus, the Chapter was fragmented into minor conclaves and cliques. The Inner circle barely existed, let alone served any meaningful function, and relations had deteriorated badly between the ascendants and the other Unforgiven. Morale was low, and Krastus was making no effort to fix it. As a result, the captains and veterans began to meet in secret to express their anger and frustration as well as their fears about what lay in the chapter's future.

 

-Asmodel was, like many psychopaths, extremely charismatic and able to fake feelings of empathy. He went to each of these conclaves and acted as if he shared their concerns. From these, he began to gather a circle of individuals who were the most disgruntled or concerned. These became the foundation of the Choosen and he lured them to his side by speaking of a renaissance for the chapter. He inspired them with talk of the Ascendants reborn. What he didn't tell them was what that rebirth would cost.

 

-Once he had managed to tap into the overwhelming current of discontent, all that was required was an accident. Fortunately, Cruxus already had that taken care of. He had been feeding information to Krastus for months, and the Chapter Master was heedless of any treachery or trap that might have stood between him and the focus of his obsession. When the time came for the attack, Krastus and several members of the inner circle launched a teleporting attack against the Fallen, expecting to catch them by surprise with the full force of the first and second company. However, when the teleporting beam faded, each member of the circle found themselves alone, surrounded by foes prepared for his arrival. they had no chance.

 

- In the aftermath, Asmodel spun the events as a terrible tragedy. meanwhile, Cruxus escaped from his cell and slaughtered the few remaining chaplains himself. The coup was complete.

 

o Roshan’s claims are met with disbelief by the Unforgiven who find it difficult to believe that one of the Unforgiven could fall so far.

 

Why not? The Inner Circles know, better than anyone, how easy it can be for an Astartes to turn on his own brothers.

 

Further, it could be that the Master of Recruits is not supposed to know about the fallen since that secret was only supposed to be confined to a select few. If Nurial did know about the fallen, it might have made the other Dark Angels less inclined to trust his word.

 

In the usual Inner Circle organization, all 10 Company Masters are members of the Inner Circle. Nurial would know.

 

Even then, the council would have been very reluctant to consider that one of their own could have been so thoroughly corrupted. Recordings can be falsified, after all. To countenance that would be to admit that all their precautions and efforts to atone for the past had not been sufficient to keep events from repeating.

 

Again, why not. They know better than anyone how easy it can be to turn.

 

 

-The dark angels did not suspect Asmodel as being disloyal for several reasons.

 

-after Krastus and his hostile relationship with the Dark Angels Succesors, Asmodel improved relationships with the other Unforgiven.

 

-Krastus was considered obsessive even by the standards of the Dark Angels. Asmodel seemed like a more stable successor.

 

-There was no proof. Krastus death was written off as a terrible tragedy and its not like the Fallen were walking around for all to see. Cruxus made sure of that. Nurial knew that something bad was happening, but he was frozen out and effectively isolated.

 

-Nurial was an old, uncharismatic, and difficult to like Marine who had initially resented his appointment to the 10th company. His conflicts with Asmodel were well documented. Any charges made against Asmodel without proof would have reflected poorly on him.

 

I imagine Roshan would probably have asked the same question you did. In which case, this is how Nuriel would have responded

 

"You do not accuse a chapter master of treason without proof. Here, his word is law. Planets live and die by his command, Our brothers march to war wherever he sends them. He is a decorated veteran of a hundred campaigns and hunts, whereas we are an old bitter marine long past his prime and wild-eyed green sergeant too young to know better. Without evidence to the contrary, we would seem like two disgruntled marines, besmirching the reputation of our commanding officer with baseless rumor. At best we would be labeled rabble-rousers and censured, at worst we could be executed for being derilct in our duties to the chapter and the Emperor. that is why we need proof."

 

Anyway, thanks again for the great feedback. More is always welcome.

[CantonWC]

Well good grief. When did you write all of this? I can't read your mind you know, I can only go off of what I see.

 

I need time to digest all of this.

[Llagos_Tyrant]

This new influx of information certainly adds to the Chapters background and gives it more life, in my opinion.

 

I'd edit the first post to include it, if only so that future readers will immediately be aware of these facts.

[Culebras]

Well good grief. When did you write all of this? I can't read your mind you know, I can only go off of what I see.

 

I need time to digest all of this.

 

That?

 

I wrote that this morning after reading your comment. only took about an hour or two. I have four more pages but I figured they weren't necessary to respond to your critiques and would only muddle things up.

 

I will edit the original to include this new information. thank you once again.

[phosis21]

A bunch of stuff.

 

Okay, I like what you did on a number of levels, but there are some problems that I think would benefit from second review. I'm going to build you up before I tear you down :P

 

The Good -

Your guys are humans - One of the problems I see all the damn time (and I'm guilty of it to) is "My marines are boss, they're so tough and they don't afraid of anyone". You've done quite the opposite here, and under all that power armor and genetic enhancement, your dudes are still HUMAN and subject to all of the emotions and issues that a human could experience. Greed, envy, ego. I love it. Incorruptability is for Grey Knights, and frankly its ::yawn::

 

Unique recruitment - One of the OTHER problems I see all the damn time is that the recruits of the Marines need to be super human monstrosities before the Marines will even begin to look at them! Now, its fine to have high standards, thats a must, of course. But all the time, I see "Before being considered to join the Astartes a potential recruit must march accross the ash wastes of [place] a 1 bajillion mile wasteland of un-conquerable tundra, and they must single handedly kill an effing Terrasque with a copper dagger, AND THEN they must fight a dual against a hundred bajillion Chaos Demons...and then, if they survive THEN they MIGHT become a Space Marine! So kewl right guyz?

 

No...have fun having like 1 recruit in a thousand years dude. ::yawn:: You don't go into a whole lot of detail (and I'll get to that later) but the base is cool and unique, and I like.

 

Developed Narrative - Too often IA articles are "here's my d00ds, are they kewl?" And then a big wall-o-text about how they're totally invincible and they're the most epic bro-marines in the history of ever, and they in fact saved Roboute Guilleman from death like 8 times during the Heresy, in secret of course, with no real NARRATIVE.

 

Culebras, you are clearly a talanted writer because you've taken time to create unique, individual, fully developed characters (instead of the flawless Bro-Marines I see too often). Some of them are archetypes, but thats fine. I especially like Nurial (awesome name) and I feel that Roshan is an interesting protagonist. (as a cool aside, here in Afghanistan the cell network is called Roshan).

 

Dark Angels - I feel its a "good" point that you've tried to make a Dark Angels successor, because they're pretty hard to write for. DA kind of write you into a corner, either you're a Space Marine chapter, or your obsessed with the Fallen. You've made that a function of who's in charge, which I can tell you from my experiences over here in the Stan is very true. I've had 5 different CO's and despite the "on paper" mission of my unit not changing, HOW we've gone about that mission, and what we've focused on has changed night and day with each CO, so bravo :)

 

The Bad

 

I won't have as much here, but I feel its pretty serious and needs a look at.

 

Why specifically focusing on weak bodied people? - Its okay if they're willing to take the occasional Steve Rogers, but there's no good reason, I can think of, to deny well-developed potential recruits who display the requisite intellect and will-power. If they're strong, so much the better.

 

Is it a specific archetype they're looking for? It sounds like you're specifically looking for the Street Urchin or the Alley Gang leader type - charismatic and sharp witted ruffians who simply lack the protein in their diet to have enough muscle mass? Its certainly a good potential recruit, self sufficient, quick on their feet, solid under fire or when things go wrong, and willing to improvise if things go wrong.

 

Anyway...all of that is to say, that being strong willed is great, but its not mutually exclusive with having a good body.

 

What makes this Chapter unique? - Okay, that sounds kind of harsh, and its not meant to be "This sucks, take it back to Formula", but from what I've read so far its basically a re-hashing of the story of the Schism in the Dark Angels, on a much smaller and more intimate scale (and as a novel or novella or graphic novel or whatever, that'd be fine), but as the basis for a chapter, there needs to be something unique.

 

From my reading, the basic thrust of the narrative is thus - Greed, secret army, secretive over-throw, loyalist takes great risk to expose Chaos, golly Civil War, Coven escapes at last minute (new Fallen), survivors swear to hunt the Fallen, keep it all a secret (presumably).

 

Maybe I'm missing something, but the narrative seems to follow a very similar track of what we've already read.

 

Some possible ways to fix this is to take into account Penderhast's unique influence on the Ascendents, Penderhast is described as a Pre-Industrial City-State dominated society. City-States tend to develop in places where there is not one dominant culture but several equal powers in a confined, resource rich area. I/e Ancient Greece and/or Italy until the mid 1800's.

In both cases you had a relatively isolated area (due to mountains and or limited means of terrestrial egress), limited, but highly fertile arable land, jagged coast lines (many natural ports) and an incredibly dense population concentration (for the time period, of course).

What makes Penderhast work? How is it laid out? The population that goes into a chapter could very well play a role into how it works.

 

What if, and this is me just spit balling, the Marines take a small memory of their origins with them into the Chapter. "Hey I'm Athenian, you Spartan dog!" "I'm from Venice you Sicilian fiend!" or what have you, and maybe Roshan was unique in that he came from one of the un-aligned farming communities out in no-man's land or some crap...

 

I dunno, all of that's just brain-storming on my part.

 

Where do they Ascended fit into the larger 40k narrative? Did all of this happen in the Chapter's past, and they live with this dark shame now? Or is all of this happening "now" in the late 41st/early 42nd Millenium? Where is Penderhast? near the Eye? on the frontier? Coreward? On or near a major warp lane? Totally isolated? A lot of who you are ends up being a function of WHERE you are...

 

Anyway, that's all I've got, I really do like this as a solid foundation, please don't take my criticisms as "dude, just give up now" because you've got a pretty bitching story, that I know I'd read. I do want to see more of Nurial's exploits :) I'm just trying to help flesh out the WHO of the Chapter as an organization.

 

Regards

Phos

[Culebras]

A bunch of stuff.

 

Why specifically focusing on weak bodied people? - Its okay if they're willing to take the occasional Steve Rogers, but there's no good reason, I can think of, to deny well-developed potential recruits who display the requisite intellect and will-power. If they're strong, so much the better.

 

Is it a specific archetype they're looking for? It sounds like you're specifically looking for the Street Urchin or the Alley Gang leader type - charismatic and sharp witted ruffians who simply lack the protein in their diet to have enough muscle mass? Its certainly a good potential recruit, self sufficient, quick on their feet, solid under fire or when things go wrong, and willing to improvise if things go wrong.

 

Anyway...all of that is to say, that being strong willed is great, but its not mutually exclusive with having a good body.

 

I think I was going more for moral fiber. Good strong bodies are all well and good, but I wanted a contrast between Ascendants and both the "normal" concept of marines who are basically Olympic athletes and high school All-Americans and the pre-chapter war version of the ascendents, who basically used unbalanced recruits who were hopped up on steroids. Steve Rogers was an inspiration, but I was also thinking of those kids who might have grown up with a disability and yet still had a key eye, an unbreakable will, and a natural drive to overcome the obstacles they were born with.

 

What makes this Chapter unique? - Okay, that sounds kind of harsh, and its not meant to be "This sucks, take it back to Formula", but from what I've read so far its basically a re-hashing of the story of the Schism in the Dark Angels, on a much smaller and more intimate scale (and as a novel or novella or graphic novel or whatever, that'd be fine), but as the basis for a chapter, there needs to be something unique.

 

From my reading, the basic thrust of the narrative is thus - Greed, secret army, secretive over-throw, loyalist takes great risk to expose Chaos, golly Civil War, Coven escapes at last minute (new Fallen), survivors swear to hunt the Fallen, keep it all a secret (presumably).

 

Maybe I'm missing something, but the narrative seems to follow a very similar track of what we've already read.

 

I wasn't trying to make it mirror, but I also wanted there to be an explanation for them making the (somewhat radical) decision to use such an unusual source of recruit. I started with the idea of a marine chapter that recruited the weakest rather than the strongest and worked my way back from there.

 

I think Roshan is a metaphor for the chapter and he has shaped it to resemble him in the same way that he has been shaped by it. Its very much a transformative story. The Ascendants have been humbled, they walked very close to the darkness and barely pulled themselves back from the edge. Because of that, I think there is something that separates them from the Dark Angels. The DA hunt the fallen because they want to erase their sin and reclaim their honor. But the Ascendants hunt the Fallen because they have seen what happens if they are allowed to run free. They have witnessed the consequences first hand and the last thing Roshan would want is for another chapter or world to suffer the fate that almost befell the Ascendants.

 

 

Where do they Ascended fit into the larger 40k narrative? Did all of this happen in the Chapter's past, and they live with this dark shame now? Or is all of this happening "now" in the late 41st/early 42nd Millenium? Where is Penderhast? near the Eye? on the frontier? Coreward? On or near a major warp lane? Totally isolated? A lot of who you are ends up being a function of WHERE you are...

 

where and when are tricky.

 

they are not isolated and they are close enough to the Rock that Roshan was able to get there quickly so I am thinking Galactic Northeast.

 

I want the events of the chapter war to be recent so that things are still being hammered out and fixed up, but not too recent as that would mean the recruiting process would be experimental rather than established. I didn't use any named characters for that reason, and I'm not even sure if Roshan should still be alive now or if he should have disappeared or died. :P