Death Legion

[Stanfar]

Chapter's name: Death Legion

Founding: 26TH

Chapter Founder and creator: Stanfar the eternal lord of the Angels of Darkness (Was killed during the battle of Icy spires and was summoned at the first time when the Daemon prince Nu'garth lead his chaos legion to the assault upon the Stardium.)

Chapter Master: Rafauldus the High Legionnaire

Chapter size:1000 Legionnaires, Chaper command and Angels of Darkness.

(The chapter's size can be little bit bigger or smaller depending about how many ''unclean'' marines there are within the chapter at a time.)

The Fleet size:

2 Battle Barges: Immortalier, Death's scythe

9 Strike cruisers

28 Escort frigates

32 Thunderhawk gunships

Origins:

Story of Death Legion started from one assault terminator. His name was Stanfar. He was sended upon the road of absolution in the eye of terror to fight the enemies of the Emperor for one hundred years. During that time he witnessed how dozens of marines from different chapters died or were corrupted by foul powers of chaos. At the final days of his road to absolution he had saw many different chaotic events that would had easily drive even the most stubborn marine insane, but he stud his ground and his mindings. A day before the one hundred years was fulfilled, Stanfar's old friend Gallin died during the battle against chaos warband and that event was final act which drove Stanfar to create his chapter. He had became fearless and incorruptible by forces of Chaos. Then came the time to leave from the eye of terror, but he didn't return to his former battle-brothers, but instead he when to talk directly with the High lords. He spoke them about the Road of Absolution and other punishments of the Imperium. He show them an new way of handle the corruption and miss-steps of marines. He spoked for creating a chapter under his command until he falls and other one would rise to replace him. He wanted that marines wouldn't be sended on the road of absolution, into places were they would be sended to suicide or be driven into madness or even worse... Instead he wanted to create a chapter were these marines could be sended to them to suffer their punishments and when the punishment was suffered; They would have a choice to either to remain in the chapter to render their services for it or to return to their previous chapter as newly reborn and clean from corruption of any kind. The High lords agreed that Stanfar could created the chapter of his only if he could find and recruit atleast three hundred marines at his side and if he could get enough acceptions from different organizations and from other chapters. When he was about to make his leave to the journey for members, he met librarian named Saldin who agreed to join him to his campaing.

At first they headout for Ultima Segmentum where they went to aid of strike force from Raven guard chapter. Shortly after the landing Stanfar met the commander Vindoraf. They were sended to recover an imperial documents, but they were ambushed and cutted off reinforcements. They holded their ground against the forces of chaos for as long as they could. Finally more raven guards arrived to aid them. Stanfar earned respect of the Raven guard chapter through this battle, because of his leadership had guided them through. After the battle Vindoraf and his strike force joined Stanfar into his cause and he reseved his first acception from other chapter.

From the Segmentum tempestus Titanius, Falin, Estal ,Antonios and their forces were recruited into chapter's use.

At next they headout to Segmentum obscurus, but on the way they stopped at Segmentum solar. At their time in there, their forces were joined by couple techmarines and their servitors. After their short stop at the Segmentum solar, they finally arrived in Segmentum obscurus. After a little while they picked up an distress call from a small marine force from planet Tarniok. They had been assaulted by Orks. Stanfar decided to response quickly to the call and he changed their course to the planet. Stanfar, Vindoraf and few other marines were deployed on the planet's surface. Immeadiatly they rushed to aid their brothers and not even a second too late. When they got on the battlezone, there was only few marines left to fight for their lives. Among of those marines, there were Rafauldus, Strakos and Istramir. When they were rescued from the Orks, they were reunited with their chapter. When Stanfar and his brothers were about to leave, suddenly Strakos and Rafauldus shown up with other marines. They had gain promition to join at Stanfar's cause and they also handed an acceptions from Black Templar and Imperial fist chapters.

At long, at last. What took us so long? Stanfar said and laughed a little.

Time past by and Stanfar and his ''group'' grow bigger and bigger over time and he gain more and more acceptions from other chapters. Then came the time when Inquisition called for Stanfar. They had their questions and tests for him to show them that he was capable to take the chapter under his command and that he wasn't corrupted by chaos.

For three days he was held for interrigation and testing, but he didn't shown any type of a corruption or doubt. No weakness or fear. At the end Inquisition rendered it's blessing for Stanfar.

'Good luck space marine.' 'Luck? I make my own luck, but may the Emperor be with you Inquisitors.' Stanfar at the end of the thirth day

Two years after the meeting with the Inquisition, Stanfar returned to the High Lords with his five hundred loyal marines and followers for his request to form his own chapter. He shown all acceptions and blessings which were needed.

'High Lords. I now humbly request from you that I and my marines may call ourselves an proud chapter of the Emperor. That we could join among the other honourable chapters. That we could call ourselves as His Death Legionnaires!'

'You have proved yourself to us and to the Emperor. You have assembled that what we requested you to accomplice. So you may rise legionnaire Stanfar, The chapter master of the Death Legion! May the Emperor guide your way!'

'Thank you High Lords! And may the Emperor guide you as well!'

After being promoted as chapter master and finally gaining his own chapter Stanfar faced new kind of challenge. He had to find recruiting world for the chapter, but from where?

For a few years the chapter wandered around the galaxy doing their duties and also trying to find home for themselves. Eventually they wandered at outer rim of the Segmentum Ultima and they arrived at the space port of Stardium to make repairs on the chapter fleet. At their time there Stanfar met the planetary governor Granton. After negotiations it was agreed that the Death Legion could call the Stardium as their recruiting world, as their home, but it wasn't that easy in the end. The Stardium was also home for an massive Ork clan. Those foul xenos must die, for that the Stardium could be reliable recruiting world and it wouldn't be under the constant threat of ork waagghh. The Death Legionnaires were deployed on the planets surface with regiment of the Imperial guards. The battles were fierces and bloody, but the Imperial forces pushed the ork backward at all fortiers, eventually driving the orks back to their main stronghold. The stronghold were quickly sieged. Althought the high pressuring and bombarding at the Ork hold it didn't fall, until one night Stanfar gattered twenty of his most loyal and fierces battle-brothers at his side (They were started to be called the Angels of Darkness at the later days and ultimatelly the Angels of Darkness began to be the chapter highest elite warriors.) and they assaulted the ork stronghold by deep striking inside the defences. They assaulted the Warboss Titan killah and his nobz directly. The fight was cruel, but either side didn't gave up.

The battle turned at the legionnaires favour, because of their more united battle methods. The ork clan fell when Stanfar sliced the Warbosse's head off for the beasts shoulders with his relical blade. The clan fell into disarray and it started to flee, but they were cutted of from the escape routes and killed to the last. Stanfar had accompliced his dream. The Death Legion was now able to join at the side of other chapter as an equal. The chapter was born.

'Battle-brothers this day is ours! Today we have gain our home and we shall defend it to the last man standing! So if the our enemies want to attack us and destroy us, well... Let them try!' Stanfar at the end of battle against the ork clan.

Primarch and Gene-seed: Unknown

Home world:

Stardium is located at the outer rim of Segmentum Ultima. It has two moons, other is frozen planet with temperature of -30 degrees in minimum all the time upon the moon's surface. However below the frozen surface lies the manufactorums of the Stardium, which products weapons, ammonitions, armours (infantry and tank) and other working tools.

The other moon is then a whole different story. The moon itself is minorly populated, because a Necron tombworld lies under its surface (reasontly founded). For that reason it is constantly under surveillance. Its surface is used for agri-culture purposes just for the fact that it is a perfect for it.

Stardium itself is a Feral world. Its population level is about million residents. This brutal and unforgiving jungle world is suitable home and recruiting world for Death Legionnaires. Only high tech places on the planet are the Imperial hive-city which includes the space port, the governor's palace, Imperial guard strongpoint and the Death Legion's Fortress monastery: Defensor Fidei or in other words Defender of the Faith.

The Jungles are merciless places, where even the space marines have tough times to keep alive if he is alone. The population is splitted in many different colonies, but there is no rivarly between these colonies, but instead they communicate, trade and help each others out. The civilians are tecnologially at the pre-states of using gunpowder, so they use mostly iron or stone tools and weapons. They do a lot of physical work so they are naturally strong even the younglings. From these younglings the Death Legion gets their recruits. There are three major colonies (new recruits usually came from these colonies) on the planet and the a dozen minor ones.

To be continued...

Chapter Organization:

Combat Doctrines:

Battle cries:The death has come for you!

Colouring:

Death Legionnaire.

Angels of Darkness:

http://bolterandchainsword.com/tsms.php?hd...;bg=FFFFFF&

Please leave a comment and tell did you like it or not and why. :) i will answer the question as soon as i can. For the Emperor battle-brothers! :)

And please leave ideas for evolving the new Death Legion. :) new ideas are always welcome.

[Demus Ragnok]

So where did Stanfar just up and find 10 chapters worth of marines?

[Olis]

Brace yourself, brother. :)

 

They were rarely strong chapter, a ten thousand marine strong.

 

I'd have to advise you reduce this number down to 1000 as having ten thousand marines in the same organisation is something not seen since the Horus Heresy - not even the Black Templars come close (they supposedly have 6000 marines dispersed throughout the galaxy). Even when chapters go a little bit over the 1000 man limit for their on-foot battle-strength they are likely to be kept an eye on, or even be censured by someone as it goes against the codex astartes.

 

Under Stanfar's rule and control, they were organized chapter. Altought their massive size, the chapter only once battled at its full strenght and that happened during the invasion of hive fleet hades which was at the end full destroyed. The chapter was more often seen in induivicual companies (1000) strong.

 

Companies tend to be 100 strong, not 1000. Again, that sort of unit make up was commonplace at the beginning of the Imperium, rather than in the 41st millenium (Codex Astartes).

 

At the final times before their last stand the chapters numbers were dropped in about 6000-7000 strong, but they died during their last stand on terra protecting the Emperor from the massive army of orks/daemons and chaos space marines.

 

It is generally a bad idea to have a massive invasion of Terra in a DIY article as it ventures into territory that GW controls. I'd also revise the whole scenario, really, as the defences at Terra are likely to hold most foes away from the surface and it's not likely orks and chaos would fight in concert.

 

After their last stand their souls didn't have a chance for peace, because the dark gods pulled them inside the warp to get their revenge. Inside the warp even more of them perished decreasing the numbers around only 2000 strong.

 

This, I don't understand. If they had a last stand on Terra, why were they still dying inside warp? Surely the point of a last stand (where everyone dies) is that everyone is dead at the end? :)

 

The confilct against the dark gods ended to the sacrifice of Stanfar, were his souls got broken ,but he saved his battle-brothers from internal oblivion. He connected their souls to the warp, making them an eternal army of death.

 

How did he 'connect' their souls with the warp? Once inside the warp, as far as I'm aware, mortal beings are almost assuredly doomed because their souls would be eaten pretty much immediately. And it's not like they have the advantage of a Geller field that ships possess as they were supposedly fighting on Terra, right?

 

Nowadays they can be summoned by other living marines with the Oath of Legionnaire. The chapter is under control of the High Reclusiarch Strakos, atleast to that point when the Stanfar's soul gets healed if it ever will.

 

If they can be summoned by regular space marines, then what's the point of having someone in command? Also - how do other space marines know the Oath of Legionnaire?

 

Founding: The chapter was created by Stanfar and therefore it has no founding. The Death Legion was created into the Emperor's service and to deliver his wrath to his enemies. So that's why only him has the power to command the chapter over the Chapter master. Sry Inquisition, but your word has no value to us.

 

What was the founding before the fight on Terra? Surely that is pertinent information? And I'd drop or rephrase that last sentence, really, as it is a comment to the Inquisition by yourself and it breaks the fourth wall.

 

Home world: Stardium planet system. Located at Ultima Segmentum. (Nowadays destroyed by Heretical Inquisitors at the start of the purification wars)

 

This is not bad, but why were the Inquisitors involved described as 'heretical'? Why was Stardium destroyed?

 

Battle cries: For the Emperor!, The Death has come for you, Now face the Emperor's wrath! None can stand against our wrath!

 

I think this needs to be simplified as it is quite a mouthful at the moment. Perhaps keep the last bit and get rid of the rest?

 

Death Legion founding chapters:Death Legion has four founding chapters: Death Templars (United founding of Death Legion and Black Templars), Night Roses, Shadow Knights, Night Guardians.

 

I'd advise removing the offspring chapters (at least for now) unless there was a very good reason why the Death Legion gene-seed was considered for the creation of one chapter (let alone four).

 

Colouring: Mostly black, only shoulder pads are blue and trims/helmets are white. Veterans have black helmets and apothecaries have red helmets.

 

I can't really comment for the time being until there are pictures of the colour scheme.

 

 

 

Now then, logical conflicts aside, after their change this chapter sounds ALOT like the Legion of the Damned. Almost to the point where they are simply a redressed version of them. I would recommend dropping the whole 'phantom-marine' aspect and focus on a more regualr chapter, cut your teeth on something less unusual.

 

Do bear in mind that this is your chapter, so you could ignore anything I've said, really. In the end it's up to you, it's your creation.

[voi shet magir]

Brace yourself, brother. :mellow:

 

Now then, logical conflicts aside, after their change this chapter sounds ALOT like the Legion of the Damned. Almost to the point where they are simply a redressed version of them. I would recommend dropping the whole 'phantom-marine' aspect and focus on a more regualr chapter, cut your teeth on something less unusual.

 

Do bear in mind that this is your chapter, so you could ignore anything I've said, really. In the end it's up to you, it's your creation.

 

So, there is a usual conceptual problem of writing about chapter masters, and your reply looks extensive enough that it must have covered it: even later-founding chapters have had 16 of them by M41, so it's silly to use them as comprehensive or defining characters. Many good IAs probably give a line or two to one of them making a decision, and then describing consequences six centuries down the line when the guy in question has passed into history. They're not primarchs and they've spent most of their careers with no particular influence.

 

I feel like that's the way the Castigators or Stone Hearts do it. I'm making this up entirely, because I don't think I remember or liked any of these people, but when guys like Orkdung and Rogue Trader were around, they'd react to an IA by taking its ideas and expanding on them so much that the bad parts like 10x company sizes and immortal warp spirits would be pushed out and not have any room.

 

Of course, times are different and the player base has broadened. Basic education might seem more necessary. It can't be at all though, since the information is available in prominent places now. You're telling someone to conform more to an archetype he could be intimately acquainted with if he had wanted to be.

 

Some of the regulars are so boring they don't comprehend that different idioms are possible. I don't know if I've seen you demonstrate that problem. You can appreciate that an OP has a particular mode of understanding and adapt your own idiom to affect his. Talk about warp powers or whatever until the thing becomes legitimately interesting and before your very eyes the OP matures and discards the old, superficial deets of super-secret 10,000- strong chapter.

 

Also, cutting of teeth is not really a thing with this; you only get a couple of chapters. I suppose some people might have four, but they have been working on them for 12 years and collect in Epic. Additional chapters come from having so many ideas that the can't fit into the current bunch, not from endlessly abandoning half-baked concepts.

[Stanfar]

Olisredan. Thank you for you answers and questions. B) I will answer these questions shortly because the chapters fluff is not fully completed yet, but i think i can answer atleast most of them.

1. The huge number base upon that when the chapter was created and organized the Stanfar made a contract with many different chapters and he agreeded that the Death legionnaires are splitted into 10 companies just like most of the other chapters. Then the induivicual companies are deployed to help other chapters in their campaings/crusades/quests which mean that the companies went long away from their recruiting worlds. So this means that it would have been the same if other chapters would have went to help an other. Companies returned to their recruiting worlds only when they had too few marines to go on. And a other thing. The agreements/contracts included that other marines from different companies were allowed to join andleave the chapter by their on will.

 

2. To the second thing i will answer with the same as the first one.

 

3.This one i had to answer with this. The battle on terra lasted a three days. The massive enemy army slipped through the how can i say it, the Biggest defences with a massive warp portal and other stuff. Orky things you know. But why would the orks and chaos united under the single ''banner'' well because the followers of the dark gods want the Emperor dead and orks... well they just want a great even massive fight. I think. And like i said the fluff isn't completed yet.

 

4.Because the Dark gods destroyed most of the death legionnaires souls. Souls. Their bodies stud at the terra after the battle, but the dark gods wanted revenge, so when you can't kill a dead marine again then the only way is to destroy their souls.

 

5. The Stanfar connect their souls inside the warp the way which makes their them apart of the warp itself and also a immune to corrupting ways of the dark gods possess. And what i have understud about the warp is that it cannot be destroyed by anyhow. So in away they are like daemons, but they fight for the Emperor instead. In the living world they are in their ''material forms' ,but if they die on that side they are sent back to the warp to recreated themselves. So they are connected to the warp by Stanfar's powers which he possess.

 

ouh... for the sidenote I accually have written a codex for them and it has been tested althought there are still few games left to play and it have had a positive reaction from other players. now back to the questions.

 

6.The oath of legionnaire is rarely known ''prayer'' so only few knows it compleatly and even most of those who know it are captains, commanders,chapter masters or few other things. And why have someone in command? Well we are after all ''souls'' of dead marines and marines useally have someone to lead them and to guide them inside the battles. Also the ranking remained to those who survived the conflict.

 

7.Death Legion doesn't have founding just because they are not connected to any primarch or any original chapters or their sapling chapters. that the reason why it so hard to tell the founding.

 

8. The inquisitors were described heretical because there was no reason to send the exterminatus to destroy the Stardium planet system. Those inquisitors were corrupted or possessed by chaos (or thats what the Inquisition say.) It was the blow which ultimately lead to the death of the chapter althought those Inquisitor were hunted down and exetucute during the purification wars. The war ended when the Stanfar and Grand master Draigo agreed peace and together the Death Legion and the Grey knights purifided the Inquisition and cleansed out the corrupted agents of the Inquisition. Sry for repeating the Inquisition. :lol: The records were after that been either deleted and ''lost''

 

9. There is three Battle cries which are used the most. I left out a huge punch of others so those are the three best ones.

 

10. Well the reason for the four different chapters is that: Just before the last stand 2 captains and two force commanders decided to leave the chapter so they may create their own and continue to live and tell the tale. = ) I won't drop them of anymore because i have started to evolve them as well atleast a little bit at a time.

 

11. I know it pointless to put these colouring there yet without the pictures but i wanted to you guys to have atleast a little image what they look like. ^^

 

Thanks for the comments again. I appreciate them a lot. = ) Ps. Sorry if there are typing errors. My english ain't perfect.

[Stanfar]

Demus Ragnok

 

Stanfar didn't find that many by himself. He recruited about 1000 marines including all captains and the most of the chapter's command by himself. The numbers started to increase a long the way, but no Stanfar didn't found all of them.

Thanks for your comment. = )

[Stanfar]

Voi shet Magir.

Thanks for you comment. I appreciate it. = )

I have been working with my chapter about 4 years soon. I have to say that why i give the Stanfar so ''huge'' role is just the fact that the hole chapter creation start from him when i started to think a story around him and here we are now :lol:.Nowadays he's role has decreased a little in the newer stories or fluff parts. Anyway DL is my own chapter and i am proud of it and i am pretty sure that why anyone else wouldn't be proud of theirs. So i end this into these famous words of Stanfar: 'We shall meet again at the Emperor's side.' and happy wargaming for all. = )

Ps. Death Legions side in points is nowadays 16090pts. B)

[fivepointedstar]

From What I've read is that your Death Legion chapter is in fact just the same as a Ordo Xenos Inquistion. Where they too select warriors from other chapters to wage war onto the enemies of the Emperor. Now that conflicts with a couple of things.. As the High lords of Terra created the OX to fight aliens, hence the name alien hunters. But simularly you've taken that same concept into your chapter to serve that very same purpose on recruiting from other chapters to serve as a giant entity. ^Like other's posted above no other chapter since the founding "loyal" legion/chapters agreed to dismantle, and reduce the amount of troops. Have there ever been more than 1k in a chapter yes, but not resently. Like stated above.. yes the BT do have more than 1K warriors, but that is speculation, and the HLoT look into that sort of affair.

 

*puts on Liber Heraldry hat* :lol: : the name Death Legion is awesome it sparks a ring that would drive fear. My thoughts when hearing the name "death legion" are a penal legion sent to die, and are absorbed into a chapter to make their marines. Not so far fetched, as Iron Fist's select ganger's from Necromunda, and other sources. Would be a neat way to expain the name, and their purpuse. (Again Im C&C'ing it, not making your DIY, take what I say with a grain of salt)

 

edited: for grammer, and spelling errors.

[Stanfar]

Deathknight2000

Thanks for your comment. = ) I appreciate it.

It might be that there are similarlyties between Ordo Xenos and Death Legion at their numbers and purposes. Like i said it was agreed that other marines from different chapters can join them no questions asked. 'Heretics don't even try. You will die.' Anyway the other marines may have been suffering some sort of penalty/punisment or they may have been on the road of absolution who knows. It was also secured that the other chapters strenght weren't decreased into process. DL had four planets inside the Stardium planet system. One of them is low populated so there is not much recruits, but three other planets are highly populated and full of new recruits so no need to worry. They didn't let their brothers to go weaker when they go stronger. After all Battle brothers greatest strenght is the other battle brother at his side. : ) For the Emperor!

And again Thanks. ;)

[Arkangilos]

Olisredan. Thank you for you answers and questions. :) I will answer these questions shortly because the chapters fluff is not fully completed yet, but i think i can answer atleast most of them.

1. The huge number base upon that when the chapter was created and organized the Stanfar made a contract with many different chapters and he agreeded that the Death legionnaires are splitted into 10 companies just like most of the other chapters. Then the induivicual companies are deployed to help other chapters in their campaings/crusades/quests which mean that the companies went long away from their recruiting worlds. So this means that it would have been the same if other chapters would have went to help an other. Companies returned to their recruiting worlds only when they had too few marines to go on. And a other thing. The agreements/contracts included that other marines from different companies were allowed to join andleave the chapter by their on will.

2. To the second thing i will answer with the same as the first one.

 

That does not really explain why it is so big. You can have a codex chapter and still do all of those things.

 

3.This one i had to answer with this. The battle on terra lasted a three days. The massive enemy army slipped through the how can i say it, the Biggest defences with a massive warp portal and other stuff. Orky things you know. But why would the orks and chaos united under the single ''banner'' well because the followers of the dark gods want the Emperor dead and orks... well they just want a great even massive fight. I think. And like i said the fluff isn't completed yet.

This idea doesn't seem right. I don't think the battle should be on Terra. The only time ANYONE (that isn't part of the Imperium) has gotten into the solar system since the Horus Heresy was when a lone Necron ship that landed on Mars.

 

A. The defenses of the Solar System would be the greatest in the entire galaxy.

 

B. Every armed everywhere would move to intercept anything heading that way.

 

C. Orks would not really use warp portals like that, and I doubt they could. And if they worked with chaos, the GK are known to intercept stuff like that anyways. And they are in... the solar system.

 

E. Terra itself has an entire fleet stationed IN ORBIT. It also houses the Inquisition, the Ecclesiarchy, and the Imperial Fists. Having a chapter that does not follow Codex, and very blatantly has 10,000 SM on one planet (which will mean it will be discovered), would be destroyed.

 

4.Because the Dark gods destroyed most of the death legionnaires souls. Souls. Their bodies stud at the terra after the battle, but the dark gods wanted revenge, so when you can't kill a dead marine again then the only way is to destroy their souls.

 

What?

5. The Stanfar connect their souls inside the warp the way which makes their them apart of the warp itself and also a immune to corrupting ways of the dark gods possess. And what i have understud about the warp is that it cannot be destroyed by anyhow. So in away they are like daemons, but they fight for the Emperor instead. In the living world they are in their ''material forms' ,but if they die on that side they are sent back to the warp to recreated themselves. So they are connected to the warp by Stanfar's powers which he possess.

 

Nothing, bar the Emperor and his GK, are immune to corruption. And if they were like daemons, only for the Emperor, then it would take more than a prayer to summon them. Daemons can only exist in our realm for a very short period of time, and require blood sacrifices in order to.

 

7. Death Legion doesn't have founding just because they are not connected to any primarch or any original chapters or their sapling chapters. that the reason why it so hard to tell the founding.

 

All SPACE MARINE chapters have primarchs (except for the GK), and all chapters have foundings.

 

 

8. The inquisitors were described heretical because there was no reason to send the exterminatus to destroy the Stardium planet system. Those inquisitors were corrupted or possessed by chaos (or thats what the Inquisition say.) It was the blow which ultimately lead to the death of the chapter althought those Inquisitor were hunted down and exetucute during the purification wars. The war ended when the Stanfar and Grand master Draigo agreed peace and together the Death Legion and the Grey knights purifided the Inquisition and cleansed out the corrupted agents of the Inquisition. Sry for repeating the Inquisition. :) The records were after that been either deleted and ''lost''

 

I don't know, this is really out of place.

 

1. There is a huge reason for the Inquisition to declare exterminatus on your home world: You are 9,000 over your limit.

 

2. The Grand Master Draigo would have slaughtered your men for fighting the Inquisition.

 

3. Draigo does not have the authority to end wars like that. He belongs to the Inquisition.

 

4. It is not the GK job to hunt down corrupt inquisitors, that is the Ordo Hereticus. The GK kill daemons.

 

5. NO ONE except for the Inquisition and the VERY influential FIRST foundings know about the GK. They either mind wipe or kill anyone who learns of their existence.

 

 

I am sorry, but your chapter just does not really fit. It does not seem like a Space Marine chapter, it is so codex deviant it would be destroyed, it has no geneseed, and it has a bad case of Mary Sue.

 

You also added in events that don't fit, like an invasion of Terra.

[Conn Eremon]

So, there is a usual conceptual problem of writing about chapter masters, and your reply looks extensive enough that it must have covered it: even later-founding chapters have had 16 of them by M41, so it's silly to use them as comprehensive or defining characters. Many good IAs probably give a line or two to one of them making a decision, and then describing consequences six centuries down the line when the guy in question has passed into history. They're not primarchs and they've spent most of their careers with no particular influence.

 

I feel the need to disagree with this. What you say is certainly true, to an extent, but I feel it's closing the door on something that is in no way abnormal. The near-deification of specific, especially founding, leaders is a common thing among the Space Marines. True, they're not Primarchs, and they will likely never come close to such heights, but there are many Chapters out there that look to one specific Chapter Master as their defining idol. One only has to look at the Black Templars. Sure, they revere Dorn as their primogenitor, their grand Primarch. But he's not their defining idol, he's not their true "father." Sigismund is. The Sons of Orar are no different, viewing Orar as their spiritual patriarch. Their very names are an extension of this dedication to one specific individual, who was nothing more than a long-past Chapter Master. To them they are The Chapter Master. On the other side of the fence, the formation of Chaos Warbands are even more prolific with this, with most forming entirely around a single favored Legionaire as their entire focus.

 

So having this Stanfar guy be so important to his Chapter is in no way abnormal to the 40k universe. It's perfectly natural to place a greater importance on those individuals who most defined their Chapter. I agree that there should be something about other heroic Marines down the line, to help flesh out the Chapter. But I do not agree that a list of equal Chapter Masters has any superiority over a complete emphasis on one.

 

 

Aside from that point, I'm afraid I have nothing else to add to the thread. What advice I could give has already been given in some form or another, so it'd be redundant to bring them up again.

[voi shet magir]

That's a background point, and less important than effective writing. The black templars ' IA spends less space onHelbrecht and Sigismund than others do on primarchs. Alexus Pollux is so obscure I can't spell his name confidently. Writing about a chapter master is either uninformative about the chapter as a whole, or conflates the master's personality with his chapter's so much that it's meaningless to maintain the distinction. Writing about a chapter paragon either obviates the other 1000 marines in the chapter, or reduces the character in question to a cypher with no personal identity.

 

Paragons aren't useful liasons. If the character is demoted the short distance to non-primary company captain, It implies that he has eight or nine contemporaries of comparable or even greater distinction. Suddenly, chapter doesn't rely on him as a repository of it'd whole identity, and the description can be split between his own characteristics and his experiences interacting with other aspects of the chapter archetype.

[Stanfar]

Thank you guys. I'm happy to see that you have founded how i can call it... ''errors'' from my chapter and i appreciate that. Again i say the fluff is not complete and what i have posted here yet about the whole chapter is just a minor part of it. There are more heroic marines inside the fluff for example: Rafauldus, Titanius, Vindoraf and other characters namefully guys not just only the Stanfar, i just haven't written them there yet or in this forum = ). For the records and fixing some things up i say that the chapter's strenght has decreased to the 2000 or even possibly nowadays to the 1000 marines if you didn't noticed. The chapter WAS 10000 marine strong when it was a ''living'' chapter. Then for the second thing the chapter's huge sizes is that they are like ''united'' chapter which helped other chapters in their guests and they also safeguarded the outer/inner parts from xenos for example from new Hive fleets and other things. The third thing i'm sry that i wasn't enough accurate about their summoning. The ''prayer'' summon's them yes, but not every single time it is spoken/said and even if they are summoned they are not there forever. They may stay fighting at ''material'' side maybe a day or two at a time. The fourth thing then when the Chapter was created it had a blessing of many different chapters and The Inquisition. The chapter was a exception and yes it broked the codex astartes rules,but those ''errors'' where accepted as a special exception ,but the chapter was still heavily watched by the Inquisition and there was like a million different things what they had to do and report about and all that kind of an stuff. There where two characters in the chapter which were assigned to watch the chapter did everything what was demanded and that it remained pure and loyal. Those two characters were Rafauldus and Strakos which were originally from the Black Templars. The Rafauldus were the one of these two who was give a right by the Inquisition to execute any marine who shown the signs for heresy at any from. Even for a doubt. Also there was Imperial guards at the Stardium planet system which the Inquisition had a total control like a normal. Then the fifth thing is that i have to disagree for that the Ork don't use warp portals like that. Orks can actually use any type of warp stuff, even when the don't know how it works or what to use it for. Orks can possibly do anything even by an accident. Then i know that every single armed Imperial from everywhere would come to terra to its defense. Of course, but Death Legion was the first to answer to the threat and they were fighting there not just for the hole mankind, but also to buy time to other marines and other Imperial forces to get there so they may stop the enemies and kill every single one of them. So Death Legion was just there to buy you guys enough time to arrive to their aid which ultimately costed them their lives, but the Imperium prevailed and stud victorious. That soul thing what you guys don't somehow doesn't understand(no offense) it might be that i explain it badly so it might be my fault, but let me try one more time. = ) When a human dies, his body dies, but not his soul. He's soul remains even if the mortal body dies. So when the Death Legionnaires died, their souls remained there, but their souls didn't get peace after death as 'Only in death does the duty ends' like i think its in the codex astartes... so after the battle on terra was over and death legion had perished at least their bodies, the Dark gods were in rage because the attempt to kill the Emperor had falled, because the Death Legion ''won'' if i can say it like that so they wanted their revenge upon them. To wipe them out compleatly, but because they where already on that point dead the gods didn't have any other way to have that revenge, but to obliterate their souls which were still there. So they pulled those souls inside the warp and started to destroy/obliterate them until Stanfar sacrificed himself. I think that should help to understand a little bit more. = ) i hope.

 

All 10000 marines weren't in one planet Stardium planet system has four planets inside of that system. The chapter was splitted into 10 parts and those parts could have been anywhere in the known galaxy. Not all of them at the same place. Only time when all companies were at the same place was the invasion of Hive fleet hades, which means that the induivicual companies could have been battleling at different parts of the galaxy. Like one company at there and other one like in totally different place.

 

For the corruption i mean that the Dark gods can't reshape them or make them go insane or what they ever can do. Then i apologize that i gave Stanfar this ''Huge'' role in the Introduction. The hole chapter is what i'm proud of not just Stanfar. Why i didn't write about the other character here yet atleast not now is the fact that i haven't have enough time to introduce them yet plus i might have been a little lazy.

 

Now that more and more people have started to asking about the founding and primarchs i thought those things and now i have to say that: Death Legion is 26th Founding, but they do not have a single primarch, just because there are also space marines from different chapters. Nearly impossible to which one is the right one for the whole chapter ,but i can say for induivicual companies:

1. Rogal Dorn

2.Jaghatai Khan

3.Rogal Dorn

4.Lion El'johnson

5.Corvus Corax

6.Roboute Guilliman

7.Vulkan

8.Roboute Guilliman

9.Rogal Dorn

10.Corvus Corax

 

Hopefully that clears things up a little. = )

 

I think GKs will kill also heretics if that is what is nesessary to be done. You are also currect that the Ordo hereticus does that as well and i won't deny it. Yes of course Draigo killed Death Legionnaires before they made peace. After all Draigo is the Grand master of the GK and i think he has the power to stop the fighting between GK and DL at on that point. Also of course the Ordo hereticus was contacted for the whole corruption thing. And in the end the battles ended between the Inquisition and Death Legion which nowadays are having a good partnership between each other. Ultimately they all are the Emperor's servants and that is what matters is it not; and i can promise on this point that there are no more conflict anymore. At any point. : )

 

And now in the end i say Telanicus i'm sorry that you didn't find my chapter fitting. = ) i cannot please everyone, but i know this that it is my own chapter and the fluff isn't perfect. The one and only thing is that this is just a game and we all should have a great time and happiness when we work on it. = )

Peace and happy wargaming. :devil:

Stanfar out.

[Olis]

Now that more and more people have started to asking about the founding and primarchs i thought those things and now i have to say that: Death Legion is 26th Founding, but they do not have a single primarch, just because there are also space marines from different chapters. Nearly impossible to which one is the right one for the whole chapter ,but i can say for induivicual companies:

1. Rogal Dorn

2.Jaghatai Khan

3.Rogal Dorn

4.Lion El'johnson

5.Corvus Corax

6.Roboute Guilliman

7.Vulkan

8.Roboute Guilliman

9.Rogal Dorn

10.Corvus Corax

 

Why does each company have a different primarch as it's primogenitor? It sounds very much like you want to make a chapter that's got aspects from each primarch and this certainly ventures into Mary Sue territory (something which this chapter has been on the verge of doing from the start), let alone violates canon. My advice would be to pick one and stick with it. If you fancy mixing and matching gene-seed make up then you'll have to provide a reasonable story as to why such experimentation was permitted and to what threat it was meant to combat. Even then, you'll have a hard time justifying doing it with two different sets of gene-seed, let alone ten.

[Ace Debonair]

Since nobody else has done it, I'll make the reccomendation - have a read of the DIY guide stickied at the top of the forum.

 

It's got plenty of good advice regarding what will and won't work easily for Chapter creation.

 

 

Since you're new, I'll do my usual disclaimer thing, too.

Nobody here is trying to be cruel, spiteful or mean, even if it comes across that way. It's purely an evaluation of the ideas you've presented, and is not intended in any way to be insulting, nor any other form of slight upon you.

 

Having said that, I'm not going to go through and C&C everything just now.

-=-=EDIT: Ooops, somehow deleted a line. Added it back below.=-=-

I'll stick with an overview, and keep my points short and sweet.

 

Since this is the first chapter you've posted in the Liber, it might be better to start with something less ambitious.

 

This Chapter is pushing the envelope in too many directions at once without any focus. You're clearly not short on imagination, which is excellent, but the fact of the matter is that you're trying to be too many things that a conventional Chapter just isn't, and it breaks the Chapter's credibility like a cannonball through a cabbage.

 

What is it you want from your Chapter?

What do you most want them to be?

[Stanfar]

Sry i have do it again. I met by that company/primarch thing as like: Inside of that company all of the marines keep their primarch as the one and only for them and they all possess the same gene-seed from that besific primarch. That is how the marines are splitted into those companies. For example Titanius is originally a Imperial fist and thats why his primarch is the Rogal Dorn and thats why he did possess the gene-seed of Dorn and all the marine inside his company also did possess the gene-seed of Dorn and no other primarch. But nowadays why i originally said that they don't hav primarch or gene-seed is that they are all dead. The gene-seeds have been collected away from their bodies only the souls remains of them.

I clear this now for good. The origins and most of those things what i wrote up were the history. What kind of the chapter they used to be. Now according to the new fluff parts they are army of ''ghostly'' marines : D if that is the right way to put it. There are about 1000 of these ghostly marines which remained after all of those events. They are remaining Member's of Death Legion.

I will put up that what they are in my newer fluff and inside the codex which i have wrotten. : ) So in all records this is what they used to be and i will now write here what they are nowadays.

Thanks for all of you. I'm not offended or anything. = ) everyone can say what they thought about my chapter and i appreciate all the negative and positive thing what you guys have broad up.

updated chapter is founded at the top. = )

[NightrawenII]

This whole situation reminds of something... Oh, yes. :down:

 

~NightrawenII.

[Stanfar]

Perhaps.. perhaps.. Hard for me to say. = D, but thanks anyhow. For the emperor.

[Arkangilos]

*snip*

 

... I don't think you understand. The GK can foresee those things, and the GK would be on Terra in a matter of hours. Your chapter, not being in the solar system, would take weeks to arrive with your fastest ships.

 

I still don't think your chapter can have 10,000 marines at any point of time. And I seriously doubt it would have a high acceptance among so many chapters and so many organizations.

 

The GK will fight heretics, but they don't go out of their way to fight heretics. They only fight heretics if it could lead to daemons.

[voi shet magir]

I would recommend dropping the whole 'phantom-marine' aspect and focus on a more regualr chapter, cut your teeth on something less unusual.

 

Since this is the first chapter you've posted in the Liber, it might be better to start with something less ambitious.

 

Regardless of whether it is or is not a gross or discreditable hobby to serially write new IAs specifically to post them to this forum, you can't act like it is the primary purpose of even a plurality of users. The OP, in delightful obliviousness to that concept, claims that there are several thousand points of painted Death Legion. It's entirely possible their adventures are photographically detailed on a geocities site they share with Stanfar's motorcycle collection and Knights of Columbus newsletter, and are linked to by a new web ring called the Eternity Gate. In other words: who are you?

 

 

I do it find evident and compelling that serially-created IAs rely on new hooks that do not become substantial. When they have time to gel and mature over several years of work, dedicated chapters are more compelling. At some point, the Death Legion will refine away its awkward parts and become amazing, while nth iterative chapters that have benefitted from teeth-cutting predecessors will be two thousand and late again.

[Ace Debonair]

In other words: who are you?

 

Just someone offering advice, much like yourself.

My suggestion is based pretty much on what'd be easier to write up to Librarium standard.

 

If Stanfar wants to carry on without adjusting his highly unorthodox Chapter, I have absolutely zero problem with that. ^_^

[Stanfar]

I thank you all for your comments and the feadback you have gave to me. = ) thanks.

I'm going to post one of the sapling chapters of the Death Legion: The Death Templars.

They should be much better for fluff and they will be going accoarding to the Codex astartes. It will be posted on the forum at later during this day. : ) I hope you guys like them better than my Death Legion,but i guess we will see that later. = )

Thanks again and Stanfar out. = )

[Stanfar]

Hello Battle-brothers!

First of all thanks for all of your comments. I have now decided to make a massive changes to Death Legion fluff once again, but few things are going to stay: Stanfar and all members of chapter command. The no primarch thing is also going to stay, but now i say that they do not remember who is their primarch or that knowledge has disappered/forgotten.Also the knowledge about that which primarch's gene-seed they possess. Then the ghostly marine thing is going to stay in that form that only Stanfar is ghostly marine and he is summoned by Oath of Legionnaire plus something else.

 

I will start re-editing the Death Legion within couple days. = ) so only time will tell what kind of a chapter they are going to become from now on. ^^

 

Ouh... and the Death Templars are not a sapling chapter for Death Legion. Thanks and Stanfar out. = )

[Stanfar]

Hello battle-brothers. ^^

The reborn of the chapter has begun. This fluff is totally new for me too, so i'm not sure can i answer all of your questions rite away, but i do my best and perhaps we can solve somethings together also on the way. I hope you guys enjoy and i try to write more things up atleast every second day. ^^

Thanks and Stanfar out. = )

[Arkangilos]

Hello battle-brothers. ^^

The reborn of the chapter has begun. This fluff is totally new for me too, so i'm not sure can i answer all of your questions rite away, but i do my best and perhaps we can solve somethings together also on the way. I hope you guys enjoy and i try to write more things up atleast every second day. ^^

Thanks and Stanfar out. = )

 

Did a quick read over before I have to do something else. I will be back for more, but I do have this to say:

 

So far, this is much better.

 

Like I said, more critique to come, along with some possible suggestions?