ANCIENT FALOR Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 if im posting in wrong area sorry. Just want some feed back on my first short story project to see if im on a good start. ive never written. but love the 1k sons. this is a heresy area story. thank you. You call me traitor. I, who helped build this so called imperium. Lesser son of a diluted bloodline. You dare judge me. You, who have never known the glory of battle at a primarchs side. My legion, my primarch were loyal! My lord Magnus held mankinds enlightenment in his hands. Only to be dashed by the close minded actions of our allies. None know the sting of betrayal more than the legion of the Thousand sons. What is left of us is a shadow of our former glory. Yet even in this state we vent our wrath towards your imperium. ever as it shall be. What? The God Emperor you say. I will illuminate you one last time. He was never a god. know you shame his once grand vision before you die….brother. Xephet Anubias Socereer of the Coven of the Crimson Eye. Xephet adept exemptus of the thousand sons legion soared in the highest of the enumerations. Chasing the threads of fate. Attempting make sense of dreams and visions that plagued him. He knew they were signs, but their meaning eluded him. At the objection of captain Taurion Nevine of the Night Lords . The thousand sons detachement accompanying the 114 expedition, the last thirty years. Had answered the call of the crimson king. They were going home. Historic events were transpiring. The victory at Ullanor, the Emperors return to sacred Terra, Horus rising to warmaster, the hypocrisy that was Nikea, and many other events. Yet it was not until they got the call, that Magnus was rallying his sons at a distant forge world. For the legions return to fair Prospero. That the visions began. The feeling of imminent peril gnawing at him. It felt like facing an attack in the dark. Unknowing of the direction of the foe. Facing it with the powers of the great ocean nulled. It was useless. He began to descend through the enumerations back to his body. When he noticed the psyche of two roaring flames step in front of his sanctum. Xephet turned and smiled as he greeted them, ‘ Tol’ikar, Amun’Ra enter my brethern. It takes not the the skills of the Athenian to know you are troubled.’ the towering form of Amun'Ra in his terminator armour spoke first,' we are behind schedule and the bulk of the legion has re supplied and departed for prospero. We are instructed to make for our homeworld with all haste. though the way the tides of the ocean rage against us. i do not see us rejoining the legion soon. We will need to translate somwhere to re supply our selves. Which will slow us even further'. Our fallen brothers will have to wait even longer to be laid to rest. A slight irratation in his voice. Tol'ikar was a smaller version of Amun'Ra . Resplendent in MkIII armor. The raptora burned with confidence and caged aggression. he spoke next,' Others are having similar visions from various fellowships. The eye of Terra weeping blood and set afire, the legion scarab broken in pieces on a bloody desert, a crimson eye implaed by a shimmering blade, two jaws devouring prospero at different ends. Something is very wrong and we are far from the wisdom of Magnus or the council of Ahriman.We must reach prospero to stand wth our lord. Have you been able to see anything?', asked Toli'kar. He reguarded his fellow brothers before answering them.it was troubling that others were experiencing the same visions. More troubling he didn’t have the answers .He had arrived with a 120 warriors. to now numbered less than 61 space marines. Still a dangerous force with enough psychic might to subdue systems. The verdict at Nikea had rendered them impotent without use of their powers. A word bearer chaplain arriving to enforce the emperors decree. Yet they were still a powerful. the compliance of kaedro prime had been costly. Much had been sacrificed. His thoughts went to the chaplains death screams. Xpehet refocused to his present brothers. Xephet spoke ‘ I am aware of our situation. All we can do is make the best speed back to our home. I know the fallen need to rest in the city of light. things are in motion we cannot ignore. A danger surrounds the scions of prospero. Just as the flesh change did once. We wil stop at the Icarus spaceport in the Orion system to resupply. Then continue on. We need to arr….. the vision came with the force of a blow from a powerfist. He was in the midst of a huge battle. bolter fire traced back and forth. All around lay bodies of slain warriors from different legions. His men followed him through this charnel house. Xephets choler rose at so many being laid low. He rose to the enumerations to calm himself. who could kill so many astrates? He gathered the great ocean to him. Ready to unleash righteous retribution on the enemy.' for the emperor and the lord of prospero', shouted xephet. they came upon the enemy. To his horror the silhouettes were those of space marines. As they closed on the traitors. For no other word could describe their actions. his ruby red armor began to turn a deep blue with golden trim. He turned to his brothers to see soulless eyes staring back at him in the same blue power armor. As he screamed. The ground shattered beneath his feet and he fell into an abyss swirling color.Merciless laughter followed him. while a hissing voice whispered ' all is dust'. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Hawk Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 :D Awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ah-a-nothepsis Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Very nice, and cool names. I have a suggestion, though I am no pro with English. Giving character dialog its own seperate line (or paragraph, if you will) helps with the flow and I believe it will improve your story in many ways. I'm not a great speller but I will make some changes here not to correct you in a rude way.. simply to illustrate how these changes give a different mood once everything is cleaned up. If it's not what you intend to write, just ignore them ^.~ As one example, turn this: It was useless. He began to descend through the enumerations back to his body. When he noticed the psyche of two roaring flames step in front of his sanctum. Xephet turned and smiled as he greeted them, ‘ Tol’ikar, Amun’Ra enter my brethern. It takes not the the skills of the Athenian to know you are troubled.’ ..into something like this: It was useless. He began to descend through the enumerations back to his body when he noticed the psyche of two roaring flames step in front of his sanctum. Xephet turned and smiled as he greeted them. "Tol’ikar, Amun’Ra, enter my brethren. It takes not the the skills of the Athenian to know you are troubled.’ I think your story is great. Give it to some close friends so that they can read it and catch some things that you might have missed so far while working on it. You can always make changes later, but in my limited writing experience it is nice to get new opinions from people as you come up with ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANCIENT FALOR Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I will make changes accordingly. If you have any other suggestions please let me know. This will probably be the only story I write. So I want to make it good. I don't have anyone to.show my work. Should i do a.dramatis persona? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ah-a-nothepsis Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 dramatis persona? Yesssssssss ^.~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kraull the Rampager Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Very nice mate. Keen to read more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.