The Marines Allegiant

[feuer_faust]

This is the work-in-progeess Index Astartes: Marine Allegiant. Comments and critiques are very welcome.

 

EDIT: 4/30/12 Rough draft completed.

EDIT: 12/15/12 Revised home world information, added new stuff to the Service Record, general clean-up of stuff.

EDIT: 12/16/12 Added IA-style template. Currently revising information.

EDIT: 12/17/12 Updated Home World. Redid entire template since phantom code appeared and messed everything up somehow.

 

Chapter Datafile: Marines Allegiant

[center

Primary Data [/center]

]Founding20th Founding (late M35)Progenitor LegionImperial FistsKnown DescendantsNoneHomeworldZalmosAllegianceLoyalist

 

Home World

Zalmos is a feral world, one of five planets in its system. The remaining four are sun-scorched rocks that lie too close to their star, and the system itself is ringed a spare band of asteroids. (Supporting sentence regarding natural resources) Much of the landmass on Zalmos is located near the poles, making the inhabitable areas invariably temperate plains and arctic mountains with vast oceans between.

 

The life on Zalmos comes in two forms: human tribesmen and monstrously massive animals. It is the dictate of the God Emperor that the men constantly prove themselves in battle with one another, as the souls of those slain in battle are said to be honored above all others by the God Emperor. Legend says that these honored dead must be interred in barrows with their wargear so that the God Emperor can call them to war at the end of time.

 

Rituals of manhood can vary between tribes, but there are a few constants. The initial ritual is attempted when the boy is ten summers old, and each person only gets a single attempt. The ritual itself is often a trial of might or wits, involving trapping or slaying one of the primordial beasts that prowl the trackless expanses. Children who accomplish these tasks with the aid of others are honored for their cooperation and leadership and go on to be productive members of tribal society. The rare few that manage their trials alone are often marked for greatness, often becoming champions or leaders of their people. It is these remarkable individuals that also have a chance to be summoned to fight for the God Emperor.

 

The Marines Allegiant regularly monitor their potential aspirants via servo-skull. Locals who manage to spot a servo skull are taught that these or the skulls of the honored dead, given momentary power to seek out the greatest potential warriors to join the God Emperor in eternal war. Once chosen, aspirants must immediately follow the servo skull or forever miss their chance at immortality. The journey itself is part of the screening process, as the aspirant must be able to survive monster-infested wastelands and extremes of temperature and terrain alone to arrive that the Hall of the Dead, the Marines Allegiant's Fortress Monastery.

 

The Hall of the Dead's surface levels are perched amongst the immense, craggy peaks in the frozen lands near Zalmos' north pole. An aspirant who can safely navigate this icy, rocky terrain and evade the monastery's exterior defenses will find themselves welcomed by a Space Marine. He swears an oath to the Emperor on the spot, becoming a neophyte. Those who fail at any step of this process will either find themselves augmented and mind-wiped into menial servitors, or added to the small army of recruitment servo-skulls.

 

Notable History

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

Combat Doctrine

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

Organization

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

Beliefs

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

 

Geneseed

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

 

Battle Cry

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

 

Notable History

<<basic information on the Chapter's notable history>>

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v240/feuerfaust/The%20Marines%20Allegiant/Marines_Allegiant_zps3a90a0cd.jpg

Courtesy of Brother Cambrius

 

References

<<list references>>

[clearfloat][/clearfloat]

[Bjorn Firewalker]

A good start- I see no signs of a Mary Sue-like "My Chapter is better than everyone else's!" bull ;) , made infamous by Matt Ward.

[feuer_faust]

Thank you, it was hope hope to make them good, but not too good. I especially took some time on the chapter demeanor, putting some emphasis on the sinister aspects as well as the noble ones. In some ways, I am trying to make these guys larger-than-life by character, and hopefully they mirror the Imperium in some spooky ways. I could just be full of it, though. B)

 

Also, significant update to the material! Combat history and home-world expanded on.

[Olis]

It's looking good so far, I like that you have accounted for their flaws. It shows your prepared to make this chapter well-rounded in terms of character and not simply make them cool for the sake of being cool. Good job. B)

 

I think, with the various outcasts from Tempustan society, there would be a reasonable problem with brigands and bandits in the hinterlands. Just a thought. :)

[Psyberius Daemonbane]

Good start with the fluff! Like Bjorn Firewalker said no signs of any "My chapter is awesomer than yours" crap. Quite like the colour scheme also. Hope to see more of this!

[feuer_faust]

Thanks for the encouragement, folks! I'm glad I'm getting this thing started on the right foot.

 

Olisredan: I think you'd be right regarding the brigandry. Such hardships would only further temper the prospects for the chapter, I think. I've got to find a way to gracefully work in a bit about the chapter's fortress monastery, now that I think about it.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I doubt the Tempustans would exile newborn children, because who would take care of them? The wasteland-haunted youth will likely kill them through negligence and incompetence- a problem in our own, relatively civilized world, a waiting disaster in the conditions you describe.

 

More likely is the youth are sent to the wasteland as a rite of passage, to prove their worth. As for heresy in the wasteland, no loyalist will tolerate sharing a star system with a traitor, much less a planet- I expect the PDF to regularly mount search-and-destroy missions in the area, eliminating all heretics they find.

[feuer_faust]

Fair enough on the newborns: there are adults out there, but that's not totally clear and it would make sense to wait a few years until they could walk at least. :P

 

Regarding the traitors: that's more-or-less the case, although it could use more elaboration in the IA. Perhaps, after each "graduation", the PDF gets to roll in and keep the northern continent from becoming too rife with malcontents.

[Brother Cambrius]

A very good start here Feuer, I'm looking forwards to seeing them develop. To help out a bit, I noted what you said your chapter's symbol was and I thought I'd step in and put together your guys (hope I got the symbol correct you were on about):

Cambrius

[feuer_faust]

No material update just yet, but I wanted to say: Thank you Brother Cambrius! That's precisely the one. :tu:

[Brother Cambrius]

No material update just yet, but I wanted to say: Thank you Brother Cambrius! That's precisely the one. :)

 

Whew glad to hear it. :tu: Now to the grindstone Brother! My work deserves to have an update for its article sometime soon. :P ;)

 

Cambrius

[feuer_faust]

Significant update to this chapter, including some extra background in the Service Record and a completely revised Home World section.

[NightrawenII]

Ok.

I was reading for a few days the DIY attempts here and... it's getting on my nerves to see all these acts of blasphemy, heresy and sacrilege against my beloved hobby and... to your misery and misfortune I'm going to speak, comment and scourge this board off all nonsense, crap and stupid BS.

 

Be delighted feuer_faust, you will be the first.

 

Primarch: Rogol Dorn (who needs to spit acid, anyways?)

- Rogal Dorn. You really should know the name of your Primarch.

 

Home-world: Tempus V (just Core-ward of the Veiled Region)

- The name (Tempus) clash with the name of Segmentum (Tempestus). Change it to something more... dissimilar.

 

Demeanor: Like their progenitors, the Marines Allegiant are notoriously stubborn and famously loyal to the Emperor.

- What it means "famously loyal"? Are there Chapters, who are ignominiously loyal to Emperor or something?

 

While this does make the marines paragons of virtue and determination, it also makes them contemptuous and critical of others.

- Yeah, because others aren't as loyal to Emperor as the Marines Allegiant... Did you hear this fact? Grey Knights are the purest of Space Marines and of Grey Knights the Purifiers are the purest and most pure of Purifiers is their commander, Castellan Crowe. :huh:

 

Combat Doctrine: The Marines Allegiant follow the Codex Astartes faithfully, although they do specialize in the use of heavy(???) melee weaponry and their Sternguard are the leaders(???) of the 1st Company veterans.

- What?

 

Service Record

The warrior-priests had learned that several tribes had learned dark, necromantic secrets from a traveling giant known as "The Prophet of Change."

- You have to explain, who are the warrior-priest before using them in text, it's confusing.

- Since the necromancy is (sort of) playground of Nurgle, his champion wouldn't call himself the Prophet of Change.

 

This trial remains a closely-kept secret, as widespread news of this event could call the entire chapter into question as unwitting pawns of Chaos.

- How this trial affects your Chapter? If there isn't any lasting effect, then you could throw it away because it's worthless.

 

and yet they lent a half-dozen squads towards one hundred doomed defensive battles in the Segmentum Tempetus.

- Cumbersome.

 

Each time, the arrival of the marines and their unique stoicism inspired the besieged

- Ehm, but what? It's stoism, which is unique to Imperials? or it's an unique form of stoism?

 

earned a place for their Sternguard squads and two vindicators at the Second Siege of Terra.

- You did not. Don't sneak your Chapter where it doesn't belong.

- No seiging please.

 

During the Age of Apostasy the Marines Allegiant still could not field a full company....

~

The Freebooter Warboss Gragnatz Big-Gunz made it his personal mission to dislodge the new gatekeepers in 233.M36, but the chapter had grown near to full power at this time.

- This is confusing. You have to mention Gragnatz-problem before you begin to talk about not being able to field a company-worth number of marines. Also, 233.M36 is already during Age of Apostasy.

- When I'm on it, it reeks of Rynn's World incident.

 

Home World: Tempus

The Planetary Governor and the rest of his office reside in a large orbital station, never visiting the surface.

- Since this is Astartes homeworld, there wouldn't be any governor, he is not needed.

 

It is notable that access to Tempus by outsiders is usually impossible: the locals are kept ignorant of modern technology or potentially heretical ideas.

~

The station also serves as a base of operations for a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet. They train to endure and survive the harsh surface below, always watchful for signs of primitive tribal religion that can often turns to Chaos worship in subtle ways.

- The locals are kept ignorant of potentially heretical ideas, but their primitive religion often slips into Chaos worship? Hmmm... :P

- Are trying to tell me that your Chapter recruits from wannabe heretics?

- BTW, why are the warrior-priests on Tempus in the first place?

 

Both parties have a chance of attracting the attention of the honorably dead warriors of ages past (Why?): those that do will encounter the skull of one such warrior(Why?) who them summons them to the Hall of the Dead to become legend (Legend of disappearing without trace. ^_^ ).

 

The Hall of the Dead is the local name (Why?) for the fortress monastery of the Marines Allegiant.

- The almighty why?

 

****

Otherwise, there isn't much to comment. From my POV, your Chapter shows some signs of pending ideas, but they are weak and faint. As it stands now, this Chapter is just run of the mill successor of Imperial Fists, which is not good start. No one wants to read article about bland (and dull) Chapter. If you want to improve this article, then you will need to emphasise what makes your Chapter different and/or outstanding in crowd of other Chapters.

By the way, Index Astartes, as is understood around here, is a certain format. People will get wrong idea, if you call your article as such.

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[feuer_faust]

NightrawenII, I have read your post and you have plenty of good points. I do wish to tell you that it offends me to be the initial target of your crusade here. Not because you have criticism for me (that's what I asked for), but because you seem to consider my work to be a prime example of "nonsense, crap and stupid BS." I will try to get over it, of course, but your manner is incredibly off-putting. Now, I will go over your blow-by-blow with one of my own and see what comes of it.

 

Primarch: Rogol Dorn (who needs to spit acid, anyways?)

- Rogal Dorn. You really should know the name of your Primarch.

 

Fair enough, I thought it looked funny. A Google search could've corrected that.

 

Home-world: Tempus V (just Core-ward of the Veiled Region)

- The name (Tempus) clash with the name of Segmentum (Tempestus). Change it to something more... dissimilar.

Demeanor: Like their progenitors, the Marines Allegiant are notoriously stubborn and famously loyal to the Emperor.

- What it means "famously loyal"? Are there Chapters, who are ignominiously loyal to Emperor or something?

 

Fair observations.

 

While this does make the marines paragons of virtue and determination, it also makes them contemptuous and critical of others.

- Yeah, because others aren't as loyal to Emperor as the Marines Allegiant... Did you hear this fact? Grey Knights are the purest of Space Marines and of Grey Knights the Purifiers are the purest and most pure of Purifiers is their commander, Castellan Crowe. huh.gif

 

I might not understand this particular criticism, steeped as it is in sarcasm. I suppose I could elaborate more on what I mean. In Dawn of War II, the Marine characters know they are better than humans, right? Avitus, the devastator, takes that to the extreme. He frequently scoffs at the Imperial Guard's failings during the campaign, and almost has a legitimate hate for regular humans. That's the attitude that I see being the norm for my chapter, as opposed to (relatively) humanitarian marines like the Salamanders.

 

Combat Doctrine: The Marines Allegiant follow the Codex Astartes faithfully, although they do specialize in the use of heavy(???) melee weaponry and their Sternguard are the leaders(???) of the 1st Company veterans.

- What?

 

This section is built of of my play style, and may just need to be re-written to better communicate what I mean. Heavy melee weapons would be the thunder hammer and power fist, which I prefer to take over power weapons nearly every time. That said, I've seen a bunch of new weaponry in the new rulebook, so this may need revision. The leaders part doesn't make a bunch of sense as written, correct... as I write other parts of the fluff, this bit may just vanish.

 

Service Record

The warrior-priests had learned that several tribes had learned dark, necromantic secrets from a traveling giant known as "The Prophet of Change."

- You have to explain, who are the warrior-priest before using them in text, it's confusing.

- Since the necromancy is (sort of) playground of Nurgle, his champion wouldn't call himself the Prophet of Change.

 

That came from me mentioning the priests in the Home World section, which I worked on before going back up to the Service Record. So I thought I had, my mistake! Names are easy to change, Nurgle didn't immediately spring to mind for me.

 

This trial remains a closely-kept secret, as widespread news of this event could call the entire chapter into question as unwitting pawns of Chaos.

- How this trial affects your Chapter? If there isn't any lasting effect, then you could throw it away because it's worthless.

 

Fair enough. Maybe there is some subtle mutation or degree of resistance against "Nurgly" type things that could be a hat-tip to this event. I'm open to new ideas as well as shooting down my existing ones. :huh:

 

and yet they lent a half-dozen squads towards one hundred doomed defensive battles in the Segmentum Tempetus.

- Cumbersome.

 

The words or the deed? I'm no great writer, unfortunately, but one hundred sieges seems like the things marines do.

 

Each time, the arrival of the marines and their unique stoicism inspired the besieged

- Ehm, but what? It's stoism, which is unique to Imperials? or it's an unique form of stoism?

 

Could be removed, sure. Marines are pretty starchy in general, and a pile showing up to help would make any defender happy. That, and it's probably more likely for the marines to try and break the besieging force than to defend against it.

 

earned a place for their Sternguard squads and two vindicators at the Second Siege of Terra.

- You did not. Don't sneak your Chapter where it doesn't belong.

- No seiging please.

 

There's a fair chance that I will agree to disagree with you on the issue of battles, however big or small, that have forces unaccounted for.

 

During the Age of Apostasy the Marines Allegiant still could not field a full company....

~

The Freebooter Warboss Gragnatz Big-Gunz made it his personal mission to dislodge the new gatekeepers in 233.M36, but the chapter had grown near to full power at this time.

- This is confusing. You have to mention Gragnatz-problem before you begin to talk about not being able to field a company-worth number of marines. Also, 233.M36 is already during Age of Apostasy.

- When I'm on it, it reeks of Rynn's World incident.

 

This was me trying to keep the original mission statement relevant, as it mentioned orks. The whole thing might get redone or removed.

 

Home World: Tempus

The Planetary Governor and the rest of his office reside in a large orbital station, never visiting the surface.

- Since this is Astartes homeworld, there wouldn't be any governor, he is not needed.

 

I thought most worlds had a Governor for the sake of it, but if not he will not be missed.

 

It is notable that access to Tempus by outsiders is usually impossible: the locals are kept ignorant of modern technology or potentially heretical ideas.

~

The station also serves as a base of operations for a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet. They train to endure and survive the harsh surface below, always watchful for signs of primitive tribal religion that can often turns to Chaos worship in subtle ways.

- The locals are kept ignorant of potentially heretical ideas, but their primitive religion often slips into Chaos worship? Hmmm... dry.gif

- Are trying to tell me that your Chapter recruits from wannabe heretics?

- BTW, why are the warrior-priests on Tempus in the first place?

 

-The primitive religion bit was meant to be more a general statement on how such religions can pan out in the 40k universe, as opposed to "our planet keeps trying to turn to Chaos dag-nabbit."

-No, they don't. See above.

-"a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet." I could elaborate on this a bit more, but they perform the same role as an Inquisitor might. I guess there could even be an Ordo Hereticus inquisitor or retainer present at all times. Maybe they know about the close call with Chaotic forces during the founding, and their constant scrutiny and judgment translates into the marines being extra uptight about heresy.

 

Both parties have a chance of attracting the attention of the honorably dead warriors of ages past (Why?): those that do will encounter the skull of one such warrior(Why?) who them summons them to the Hall of the Dead to become legend (Legend of disappearing without trace. happy.gif ).

The Hall of the Dead is the local name (Why?) for the fortress monastery of the Marines Allegiant.

- The almighty why?

 

More elaboration needed, definitely. Maybe even it's own section in the fluff. The basic idea is that the marines do not usually appear in person to the aspirants, instead sending servo skulls to recruit them. The locals assume that the skulls float and speak since they are ghosts of dead warriors, come to guide the chosen to eternal glory... sort of like a Valkyrie but without the prerequisite of dying first.

 

Otherwise, there isn't much to comment. From my POV, your Chapter shows some signs of pending ideas, but they are weak and faint. As it stands now, this Chapter is just run of the mill successor of Imperial Fists, which is not good start. No one wants to read article about bland (and dull) Chapter. If you want to improve this article, then you will need to emphasise what makes your Chapter different and/or outstanding in crowd of other Chapters.

By the way, Index Astartes, as is understood around here, is a certain format. People will get wrong idea, if you call your article as such.

 

Fair enough, I'll look into this formatting thing (it wasn't first priority since I was going for content first). A few of the issues in my article come from my writing. I don't want to drone on and on about things, events, or whatnot, so I try and condense things. I suppose information that is more critical than I assume could be lost in the process.

 

I do look forward to your continued feedback, NightrawenII, although I do hope future exchanges are slightly less vitriolic. ;)

 

EDIT: I need to rework my founding as I recently read that most chapters are usually taking part in combat operations inside of a century. The Age of Apostasy happens 400 years after the chapter is founded, yet I have them under-strength. Either a later founding (that isn't the Cursed 21st, of course) or maybe something that brought them low for a while? Ideas always welcome, of course!

 

EDIT THE SECOND: I also had some thought about theme and chapter symbol. Specifically, I have a bunch of Forge World Black Templar stuff that was gifted to me (and found a handful of unpainted guys with Maltese crosses on their shoulders), so a red Maltese cross may be the new symbol. Perhaps a Germanic knight feel, but I don't want to trespass too far into Templar Territory. This is tough stuff, here.

 

EDIT THE THIRD: Added some civility in there. Really wanting to avoid mixing inquisitors up with the chapter, the more I think of it. Honored dead also seems fairly Norse, doesn't it?

[NightrawenII]

I do wish to tell you that it offends me immensely to be the initial target of your crusade here.

Someone has to be the first.

Your ideas aren't bad, there are far worse. You just happened to be at hand.

 

While this does make the marines paragons of virtue and determination, it also makes them contemptuous and critical of others.

- Yeah, because others aren't as loyal to Emperor as the Marines Allegiant... Did you hear this fact? Grey Knights are the purest of Space Marines and of Grey Knights the Purifiers are the purest and most pure of Purifiers is their commander, Castellan Crowe.

I might not understand this particular criticism, steeped as it is in sarcasm. I suppose I could elaborate more on what I mean. In Dawn of War II, the Marine characters know they are better than humans, right? Avitus, the devastator, takes that to the extreme. He frequently scoffs at the Imperial Guard's failings during the campaign, and almost has a legitimate hate for regular humans. That's the attitude that I see being the norm for my chapter, as opposed to (relatively) humanitarian marines like the Salamanders.

Because it sound like the MA scoffs at the loyalty of others. But you are either loyal to Emperor or not, there aren't any degrees of loyalty. And...

 

"You give up your humanity that the citizens of the Imperium may keep theirs. Pity or despise them, but never expect them to understand."

- Apothecary Bharan, Adeptus Astartes Death Spectres

 

Space Marines aren't better than normal human. The gene-engineering, psycho-conditioning and indoctrination makes them more and less human at the same time. To think that the Astartes are better is fallacious and only leads to hubris and Chaos.

 

This trial remains a closely-kept secret, as widespread news of this event could call the entire chapter into question as unwitting pawns of Chaos.

- How this trial affects your Chapter? If there isn't any lasting effect, then you could throw it away because it's worthless.

 

Fair enough. Maybe there is some subtle mutation or degree of resistance against "Nurgly" type things that could be a hat-tip to this event. I'm open to new ideas as well as shooting down my existing ones. :D

Not physical; spiritual and/or philosophical. Such incident early in the Chapter history will have impact on their mentality or creed.

 

and yet they lent a half-dozen squads towards one hundred doomed defensive battles in the Segmentum Tempetus.

- Cumbersome.

 

The words or the deed? I'm no great writer, unfortunately, but one hundred sieges seems like the things marines do.

Words.

 

Each time, the arrival of the marines and their unique stoicism inspired the besieged

- Ehm, but what? It's stoism, which is unique to Imperials? or it's an unique form of stoism?

 

Could be removed, sure. Marines are pretty starchy in general, and a pile showing up to help would make any defender happy. That, and it's probably more likely for the marines to try and break the besieging force than to defend against it.

Stoic is man, who is free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.

 

If you want more agressive behaviour, then you need to look for different trait.

 

-"a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet." I could elaborate on this a bit more, but they perform the same role as an Inquisitor might. I guess there could even be an Ordo Hereticus inquisitor or retainer present at all times. Maybe they know about the close call with Chaotic forces during the founding, and their constant scrutiny and judgment translates into the marines being extra uptight about heresy.

That's the Purpose, what is their Origin?

 

EDIT: I need to rework my founding as I recently read that most chapters are usually taking part in combat operations inside of a century. The Age of Apostasy happens 400 years after the chapter is founded, yet I have them under-strength. Either a later founding (that isn't the Cursed 21st, of course) or maybe something that brought them low for a while? Ideas always welcome, of course!

21st Founding was just prior to Age of Apostasy. 20th Founding is available.

 

EDIT THE SECOND: I also had some thought about theme and chapter symbol. Specifically, I have a bunch of Forge World Black Templar stuff that was gifted to me (and found a handful of unpainted guys with Maltese crosses on their shoulders), so a red Maltese cross may be the new symbol. Perhaps a Germanic knight feel, but I don't want to trespass too far into Templar Territory. This is tough stuff, here.

Maltese Cross is not used by just Templars. Imperial Paladins and Death Knights have it as a part of their iconography too.

 

Edit:

Damn these ninja's.

EDIT THE THIRD: Added some civility in there. Really wanting to avoid mixing inquisitors up with the chapter, the more I think of it. Honored dead also seems fairly Norse, doesn't it?

or like Egyptian, or like Cult of Zalmoxis or like Aztecs.

 

 

~NightrawenII.

[feuer_faust]

Nice link on Zalmoxis, there; it gives me some ideas to work with. Here is a revision of the home world. I am trying to find a way to work the warrior-priests in here, but I wonder if maybe they are unnecessary and could just be dropped?

 

EDIT: 12/17/12: Reworked a little.

 

Home World

 

Zalmos is a feral world, one of five planets in its system. The remaining four are sun-scorched rocks that lie too close to their star, and the system itself is ringed a spare band of asteroids. (Supporting sentence regarding natural resources) Much of the landmass on Zalmos is located near the poles, making the inhabitable areas invariably temperate plains and arctic mountains with vast oceans between.

 

The life on Zalmos comes in two forms: human tribesmen and monstrously massive animals. It is the dictate of the God Emperor that the men constantly prove themselves in battle with one another, as the souls of those slain in battle are said to be honored above all others by the God Emperor. Legend says that these honored dead must be interred in barrows with their wargear so that the God Emperor can call them to war at the end of time.

 

Rituals of manhood can vary between tribes, but there are a few constants. The initial ritual is attempted when the boy is ten summers old, and each person only gets a single attempt. The ritual itself is often a trial of might or wits, involving trapping or slaying one of the primordial beasts that prowl the trackless expanses. Children who accomplish these tasks with the aid of others are honored for their cooperation and leadership and go on to be productive members of tribal society. The rare few that manage their trials alone are often marked for greatness, often becoming champions or leaders of their people. It is these remarkable individuals that also have a chance to be summoned to fight for the God Emperor.

 

The Marines Allegiant regularly monitor their potential aspirants via servo-skull. Locals who manage to spot a servo skull are taught that these or the skulls of the honored dead, given momentary power to seek out the greatest potential warriors to join the God Emperor in eternal war. Once chosen, aspirants must immediately follow the servo skull or forever miss their chance at immortality. The journey itself is part of the screening process, as the aspirant must be able to survive monster-infested wastelands and extremes of temperature and terrain alone to arrive that the Hall of the Dead, the Marines Allegiant's Fortress Monastery.

 

The Hall of the Dead's surface levels are perched amongst the immense, craggy peaks in the frozen lands near Zalmos' north pole. An aspirant who can safely navigate this icy, rocky terrain and evade the monastery's exterior defenses will find themselves welcomed by a Space Marine. He swears an oath to the Emperor on the spot, becoming a neophyte. Those who fail at any step of this process will either find themselves augmented and mind-wiped into menial servitors, or added to the small army of recruitment servo-skulls.

[NightrawenII]

Nice link on Zalmoxis, there; it gives me some ideas to work with. Here is a revision of the home world. I am trying to find a way to work the warrior-priests in here, but I wonder if maybe they are unnecessary and could just be dropped?

It depends what impact they have on the Chapter or the story. If there is none, then it could be dropped.

 

 

Home World

Zalmos is a feral world, one of five planets in its system. The remaining four are sun-scorched rocks that lie too close to their star, and the system itself is ringed a spare band of asteroids. (Supporting sentence regarding natural resources) Much of the landmass on Zalmos is located near the poles, making the inhabitable areas invariably temperate plains and arctic mountains with vast oceans between.

There is nice paradox. Four of the planets are sun-scorched, but fifth one has arctic climate. :)

 

The tribesmen maintain a nomadic life so as to avoid becoming a stationary target for other tribes or any of Zalmos' massive predators. It is the dictate of the God Emperor that the men constantly prove themselves in battle with one another...

Again, paradox. They travel to avoid each other, but must battle each other.

 

Legend says that these honored dead must be interred in barrows with their wargear so that the God Emperor can call them to war at the end of time.

No, kurgans? Shame...

 

The monitoring skulls are usually modified with quieter repulsor fields, enhanced sensors and recording equipment, and the ability to utter prerecorded phrases to recruits.

Superfluous.

 

Locals who manage to spot a servo skull are taught that these or the skulls of the honored dead, given momentary power to seek out the greatest potential warriors to join the God Emperor in eternal war. Once chosen, aspirants must immediately follow the servo skull or forever miss their chance at immortality. The journey itself is part of the screening process, as the aspirant must be able to survive monster-infested wastelands and extremes of temperature and terrain alone to arrive that the Hall of the Dead, the Marines Allegiant's Fortress Monastery.

- Good.

 

He swears an oath to the Emperor on the spot, and then must engage the marine in unarmed combat even as the man is ragged, tired and hungry from his journey. It is the willingness to fight that allows the man into the shelter of the fortress monastery, as victory is usually impossible due to the marine's staggering advantages over mortal man.

- A little... confusing. The natives believe the Marines to be warriors of God-Emperor. Right? Therefore why would any of natives assault such venerable warrior? Also, what is point of this trial? To see if the recruit is willing to attack a servant of Emperor? Hmmm... :tu:

 

 

~NightrawenII.

[feuer_faust]

Thanks for the constant feedback, NightrawenII. ^_^

 

I imagine the planet to inhabit the very edge of the "goldilocks zone" for its star, as Mars does, and is thus a bit colder. Should I add a bit like that in, or leave it as such? I did remove the nomadic part, as trying to avoid each other does seem counter-productive to their faith.

 

No, kurgans? Shame...

I'll admit, no idea about this one! I know that the Kurgan are a big Chaos tribe in fantasy... or that one guy in Highlander. :)

 

The final trial regarding the unarmed combat with a marine was intended to be a test of willingness to battle when exhausted, but you're right in that is sort of sits awkwardly in there. I removed it, as well as the unnecessary servo-skull stuff.

 

Lastly, every time I edit now, the editor adds in some "< div >" code that mucks everything up. Anybody know what that is?

[Messor]

That happens to me whenever I use special formatting code like a caslon header, or probably in your case, the Chapter Datafile table. You would either need to replace the table with something else, or simply copy paste the correct/working code(along with your post) into Word or notepad, and do all your edits there, save, and then copy paste the updates back over the messed up stuff when you go to post them.