Victory at any price

[Jaminos]

Hi everyone! I have been inspired for a while to write a fan fic for Dark Angels. I base it all off of my wins, losses and ties for my actual DA army. Please note this is a very amateur attempt and I please note that I do not have a very extensive knowledge of the 40k universe like a lot of you may. However I felt that despite my amateur attempts I still want to write my story based off of a Marine of mine who is famous in my club for either dying in the first round or being extremely hard to kill if he makes it past the second round.

 

Hope you enjoy!

 

Brother Ravion

 

Chapter 1

 

The engine of the scout bike rumbled under brother Ravion as he scouted forward with his other two battle brothers. Two days ago a patrol of marines had disappeared without a trace. he Librarian leading the force to investigate would not give any details out. Thus was the way of being a Dark Angel space marine. One kept the secrets of the chapter closely guarded and one did not question when he was given an order.

 

A storm was beginning to brew in the distance. An anomaly that was not suppose to happen in the reports. A chill ran down the spine of Ravion as he continued on. He knew no fear but nor was he willing to give up his life without a fight. The comm system in his helmet broke his reflections as his sergeant spoke up.

 

“I don't like that storm. It's right in the middle of those coordinates for the lost patrol.” Veteran Sergeant Thormius said.

 

“What are your orders sir?” Ravion asked

 

“We will get as close as we can and report what we find. If there is anything out there then we will give a fire mission to the whirlwind.”

 

Both marines gave an affirmative and sped on. As they grew closer, the storm became worse and visibility worsened as if day turned to night. The lights of all three of the Raven wing bikes cut a small path in the darkness. Ravion checked the action on his twin linked bolters attached to his bike. The feeling of being watched became palpable. A building came into view as they pierced the darkness. It was completely destroyed.

 

The bikes all stopped at the foot of it and Veteran Sergeant Thormius dismounted his bike. Brother Galnar, the other member of Ravion's squad, began to report the details back to the rest of the patrol of their progress. There was a lot of interference for the lightning but they were able to get their progress reported.

 

Veteran Sergeant Thormius began to pick through the rubble. It was not long before he found the marine was discovered. He had a deep gash that had cut through his torso. As if the armor had not even existed. The wound was broad, as if cut by a sword as big as a marine. Many similar wounds were found on many other battle brothers in a similar fashion. Ten marines had been decimated by a great beast. Judging by the footprints in the mud, Thormius had seen this before, cause by a daemon prince. As they scouted further, they found shell casings from other marines and the bodies of the fallen traitors.

 

Something was not right though. The entire patrol had been accounted for, but so as the chaos warriors. Some wounds were consistent with bolter rounds. Some however, were consistent with some sort of energy weapon. Thormius walked off a few yards by himself for a moment and knelt down to examine something he found stuck in the mud. As he was examining the object, several lights glowed at once around them, followed by the sound of gauss rifles. Thormius died before he ever knew that he was surronded.

 

Ravion jerked his bike in the direction of the lights to illuminate twenty Necron warriors with their weapons trained on him...

[Llagos_Tyrant]

Hi everyone! I have been inspired for a while to write a fan fic for Dark Angels. I base it all off of my wins, losses and ties for my actual DA army. Please note this is a very amateur attempt and I please note that I do not have a very extensive knowledge of the 40k universe like a lot of you may. However I felt that despite my amateur attempts I still want to write my story based off of a Marine of mine who is famous in my club for either dying in the first round or being extremely hard to kill if he makes it past the second round.

 

Hope you enjoy!

 

Amateur Attempt? Bah!

 

I enjoyed it and didn't see more than a few tiny issues. Mostly, those were just grammar but I'll jump into it.

 

1 - This is not a bad thing as I know that I do this in my writing sometimes, but it`s always good to provide the reader with more details about the appearance of a character. Yes, he`s a Dark Angel who should have Black Armour with the Ravenwing - but does he have battle damage? What about purity seals? Does he wear a robe? If so, is the hood up or down? Does it hide his eyes?

 

Telling us what a character looks like does more than just that - it gives us clues as to his mental and emotional state that help us to build some sort of a relationship with him. This will become easier with time, but you're dialogue looks better and more fluid than a lot of first time (or supposedly amateur) attempts. This is also another way to give us insight - but I'd like to see more of your writing before I say anything.

 

2 - Fluidity. There were a couple parts that didn't seem to flow write. With flow, it's normally just a stylistic issue with the way a sentence is worded and if you read it over once or twice, you can almost always find and then correct it. This is something I've seen a lot of people struggle with, so just keep an eye out. I know I have written a lot of things that lack a good sense of flow - and still have to get around to editing them :)

 

Other than that, there were a few grammar errors but nothing I'd worry about.

 

All in all, you did great with an amateur attempt, you ended at a cliffhanger to keep reader's notice, and the story had a good pace (which is something I really struggle with!)

 

Keep writing and keep it coming!