Ludovic's Index Astartes

[Dosjetka]

Kept clean for IA draft.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Only issue with that outline(?) is that their homeworld sounds more Deathworld if they have to "constantly fight beasts to survive".

[InquisitorHayn]

Hail, Ludo! Since you've been such a great help and gaming buddy, I figure offering some comments is the least I can do in return.

 

a terrible curse that has litterally been gnawing at their hearts for two millennia.

HA! I see what you did there. :D

 

When an Astartes is killed, his wargear is removed to be given to a new recruit and he is cremated. His ashes are then given to his family who then use those ashes to revitalise the soil. In this way, nothing is wasted and even in death, the Astartes help create a new generation of healthy recruits.

What a kind-hearted group. Curious though, is there a reason or mystery behind the missing blood-pumps?

 

Despite their weakness, the Sky Devils do not cower inside battle-tanks as some people think they would. Instead, they decide to strike fast and to strike hard, blowing apart the enemy's command nodes and thus suffering less casualties than a normal pitched battle would cause. Use less battle-tanks that the usual Chapter, instead relying on Bikes, Jump Packs, Drop Pods and Thunderhawks.

"Take heart, men! They can only kill us once!" (feel free to steal that one) So are there any potential drawbacks besides the lack of a backup for their condition? Do combat drugs not flow as efficiently through their systems? Are wounds slower to heal?

 

I apologize in advance for all the terrible puns, as I figure this is probably a serious IA. On the other hand though, if you chose to go that route, this has fantastic potential for a whimsical, comedic IA a la the Mad Lib-style Chapter Ace Debonair posted up a while back. Seriously, in the back of my head while I was reading this, I could almost hear Dave Chapelle as 'Clayton Bigsby' yelling, "If there's hate in your heart, let it out!" Also, I was kind of hoping that your IA had something about not knowing who their Primarch or parent Chapter was so I could suggest a name change to the "Heartless Bastards".

 

I hope you understand that I kid in good fun, but when you flesh some of these ideas out, comical or not, I am eager to see where it goes. I love the concept. It really touches my...sorry, couldn't help myself. Cheers!

[Dosjetka]

Only issue with that outline(?) is that their homeworld sounds more Deathworld if they have to "constantly fight beasts to survive".

Cheers for pointing that out CJJ :) I changed it, so that it sounds a bit better. And yes, it is an outline for now. I threw it down all this morning in the small time I had free before class. Maybe I should have waited and made it a bit more complete... But then I didn't want to ;)

 

Hail, Ludo! Since you've been such a great help and gaming buddy, I figure offering some comments is the least I can do in return.

Why, thank you Hayn :) It is always appreciated!

 

HA! I see what you did there. :D

;)

 

What a kind-hearted group. Curious though, is there a reason or mystery behind the missing blood-pumps?

Not an in-universe reason, no. At least not for the moment. But there is one, you can read up about it in this thread.

 

So are there any potential drawbacks besides the lack of a backup for their condition? Do combat drugs not flow as efficiently through their systems? Are wounds slower to heal?

Basically, it's like humans: they only have one heart. If that fails, well they're screwed (other Astartes can stay alive with just one heart). It doesn't make them heal slower or drugs work less, it just makes them breathing in low-oxygen conditions difficult and small complications like that (only small complications because the other Astartes organs really do help out with the secondary heart's roles).

 

I apologize in advance for all the terrible puns, as I figure this is probably a serious IA. On the other hand though, if you chose to go that route, this has fantastic potential for a whimsical, comedic IA a la the Mad Lib-style Chapter Ace Debonair posted up a while back. Seriously, in the back of my head while I was reading this, I could almost hear Dave Chapelle as 'Clayton Bigsby' yelling, "If there's hate in your heart, let it out!" Also, I was kind of hoping that your IA had something about not knowing who their Primarch or parent Chapter was so I could suggest a name change to the "Heartless Bastards".

 

I hope you understand that I kid in good fun, but when you flesh some of these ideas out, comical or not, I am eager to see where it goes. I love the concept. It really touches my...sorry, couldn't help myself. Cheers!

It is actually a serious IA, but I thank you for the puns as they really made my day :) So don't worry about them!

 

Cheers for the feedback chaps!

 

Ludovic

[Ace Debonair]

Well.

I don't really see much that needs C&C, but I've got to ask; what's with the name?

 

'Sky Devils' doesn't really hint at overcoming inherent weaknesses or embracing humanity or any of the other themes touched upon so far.

 

I realise not all Chapters have names that reflect who they are, before anyone says it. I just thought the name was a bit odd. ^_^

[Captain Juan Juarez]

'Sky Devils' doesn't really hint at overcoming inherent weaknesses or embracing humanity or any of the other themes touched upon so far.

 

You raise a good point by accident; it sounds like a name the inhabitants of their homeworld might use.

[Dosjetka]

'Sky Devils' doesn't really hint at overcoming inherent weaknesses or embracing humanity or any of the other themes touched upon so far.

 

You raise a good point by accident; it sounds like a name the inhabitants of their homeworld might use.

That was my exact thought when I found the name. Which also led me to make them orange (I thought that red was far too common). But does it really sound that bad? ;)

 

Ludovic

[InquisitorHayn]

That was my exact thought when I found the name. Which also led me to make them orange (I thought that red was far too common). But does it really sound that bad?

The name's not bad. It's just that if you're looking for some sort of connection between the name and the Chapter, it's not there. It's really not necessary that the name relate specifically to Chapter traits though. Look at the Marauders, for example. Okay, maybe Space Marines kinda do...erm...Maraud things? But the point is that it's not a Chapter-specific reference. :P

 

Which also led me to make them orange

And the cult grows...

[Dosjetka]

That was my exact thought when I found the name. Which also led me to make them orange (I thought that red was far too common). But does it really sound that bad?

The name's not bad. It's just that if you're looking for some sort of connection between the name and the Chapter, it's not there. It's really not necessary that the name relate specifically to Chapter traits though. Look at the Marauders, for example. Okay, maybe Space Marines kinda do...erm...Maraud things? But the point is that it's not a Chapter-specific reference. ;)

 

Which also led me to make them orange

And the cult grows...

For your first point, I agree, it's not really a Chapter-specific reference, but then I don't really think that it's necessary. However, I may change the name at a later date if it raises too many questions ;)

 

For the second point, why, yes, it does :P

 

Ludovic

[Captain Juan Juarez]

'Sky Devils' doesn't really hint at overcoming inherent weaknesses or embracing humanity or any of the other themes touched upon so far.

 

You raise a good point by accident; it sounds like a name the inhabitants of their homeworld might use.

That was my exact thought when I found the name.

 

So what does the Chapter recognise as its own name? Whilst there isn't any real convention for naming a Chapter I personally don't subscribe to the notion that the Chapter might accept a name given by those they recruit from.

 

If you do like that idea, then my point is irrelevant! ;)

[Dosjetka]

Removed.

[Dosjetka]

I've updated the first post with a potential Origins section for my Index Astartes. It's far from being finished, but I got my basic ideas down and their doesn't seem to be any glaring mistakes, so I submit it to your scrutinizing eyes for any comments and/or criticism that you may have. I'll probably update the next part (Home World) later on today.

 

Cheers,

 

Ludovic

Edit: And yes, I know, I have no name for them yet, but that should come later on :P

[Ace Debonair]

Whoa.

 

I stop by to say the name didn't seem to fit the Chapter, and a few days later you wipe out the whole thing. :P

 

That might be over-reacting, Ludo! ;)

 

I don't know what you're planning for the Chapter, so I don't really know how to C&C the origins yet. Rest assured, I'll keep an eye on this chapter, though, and see how it develops.

[Dosjetka]

There were many inconsistencies in the fluff that I had, so I thought I'd save what I had before and start from scratch with something else. I prefer it that way ;)

 

Anyway, I've added the Home World part, so you should have something to comment on (hopefully).

 

Ludovic

[Captain Juan Juarez]

...the two Company-strong force of Astartes set about bringing rebel worlds back into the fold of the Imperium. Due to their small number and the enormity of the task set out before them...

 

Maybe I'm being overly picky, but two Comapnies isn't a small force of Marines.

 

...local regiments under the command of General Rekold Vance.

 

Here I go again, but.. Local in what sense? Rarely would a world raise regiments and have them fight on its soil, well not full-fledged Guard Regiments but PDF obviously would.

 

...with ferocity bordering fanatical rage.

 

Pureply a philosophical point, but when does ferocity become fanatacism?

 

The small crusade was also assailed by various xenos, mostly roving bands of Orks and the elusive Eldar.

 

The Orks are drawn to war like I am to cookies, but what's the draw of the Eldar?

 

But in the end, this combined battlegroup managed to reclaim dozens of worlds within the first three years after the arrival of the young Chapter.

 

You condense a lot of action and potential for history here in to a single sentence but surely you could get something out of this?

 

 

That's the Origins and is mostly me being picky, I'll do the Homeworld another time unless someone beats me to it!

[Dosjetka]

Maybe I'm being overly picky, but two Comapnies isn't a small force of Marines.

Compared to a full Chapter, it is :lol:

 

Jokes aside, I saw them as being spread pretty thinly, especially if they've got a handful of systems to bring under control. Maybe I should alter that sentence a bit though. Also, they are still a growing Chapter and so are cautious in their approach and can't go in "all guns blazing" as if they had not a care in the world (well, they could, but I don't think it's that much of a great idea).

 

Here I go again, but.. Local in what sense? Rarely would a world raise regiments and have them fight on its soil, well not full-fledged Guard Regiments but PDF obviously would.

I wasn't thinking of having them fight on their own soil, but there are examples of regiments being raised on/taken from one world to go and fight in a crusade in a neighboring system. Couldn't that work?

 

Pureply a philosophical point, but when does ferocity become fanatacism?

That's a good question, to which I sadly have no answer. I just wrote it down at the time because it seemed like a good thing to put down I suppose... I'll change that soon.

 

The Orks are drawn to war like I am to cookies, but what's the draw of the Eldar?

I should maybe add that they were seeking to defend a Maiden World or something.

 

You condense a lot of action and potential for history here in to a single sentence but surely you could get something out of this?

Well, to be honest, this is a very rough draft (for me anyway), so I'll add some things eventually. But thank you for pointing that out for me, as I would have overlooked it :P

 

And finally, cheers for the feedback CJJ :lol: It's always appreciated!

 

Ludovic

[Malthe]

Hi Ludo, you always come across as such as pleasent fellow, so I thought I drop a note or two :)

 

Regarding the Origins; I quite like what you've written.

Simple, to the point and plausible. I love minimalism.

Also I think it really sets the tone for the rest of the article.

As for the Eldar, I think you should leave it as it is, and then throw in a sidebar featuring some sexy tale of mystery and conflict, later on in the article. In a suitably understated maner of course ;)

 

I really like the Home World section.

Once again very minimalist, which I adore in other people's articles, but is incapable of writing myself... Good job.

Your focus is very much on your chapter, but widens in the end to include the population as well.

I think you could explain the relationship between your chapter and the locals a bit more.

How does recruitment take place, what does your chapter value in the locals and what do the locals think of the horribly large and armoured fellows who come to steal their children?

 

Otherwise I think this is a solid start and I'll be looking for more ;)

 

Cheers man!

[Dosjetka]

Why, thank you Malthe for the kinds words and the C&C :D I do appreciate it.

Regarding the Origins; I quite like what you've written.

Simple, to the point and plausible. I love minimalism.

Also I think it really sets the tone for the rest of the article.

Personally, I'll probably add a bit more to it, but if it looks OK already now, then I can't complain :D

 

As for the Eldar, I think you should leave it as it is, and then throw in a sidebar featuring some sexy tale of mystery and conflict, later on in the article. In a suitably understated maner of course

Will do!

 

I really like the Home World section.

Once again very minimalist, which I adore in other people's articles, but is incapable of writing myself... Good job.

Your focus is very much on your chapter, but widens in the end to include the population as well.

Cheers :)

 

I think you could explain the relationship between your chapter and the locals a bit more.

How does recruitment take place, what does your chapter value in the locals and what do the locals think of the horribly large and armoured fellows who come to steal their children?

OK, well that'll be another thing to include within the next update. Thanks for pointing it out!

 

Otherwise I think this is a solid start and I'll be looking for more

Cool, and I'll try not to disappoint then :)

 

Ludovic

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I like it so far. I'm looking forward to the beliefs section when you get to it. I am intrigued with what is here so far.

 

Madwolf

[Dosjetka]

I like it so far. I'm looking forward to the beliefs section when you get to it. I am intrigued with what is here so far.

 

Madwolf

Cheers mate :) I'll try and update pretty soon, but it may have to wait if school work gets the better of my time...

 

Ludovic

[Aqui]

Is this Chapter the same as (or similar) to the other one you was working on? Or have you set them aside to work on a new one (this)?

 

I only ask as, if this is the same as the other, I can only assume you'll be adding more about their geneseed problem later.

 

Or have I got the wrong end of the Crosius again?

 

In either case, I can't really add anything that others haven't mentioned already, besides welcome to the Cult of Orange ;)

 

:P

[Dosjetka]

After a short break and not being able to come up with a suitable Beliefs section, I've updated the first post with the Combat Doctrine section. I hope that it's not too bad and that it is, most importantly, understandable.

 

Aquilanus: Sorry for not answering earlier, didn't see your post. This is a completely new Chapter (so no gene-seed mutation for the mo and I doubt that there will be any) and I'm basically feeling my way forward and seeing what could work and what wouldn't. Hopefully I'll get something good in the end :o And I'm not sure about the colour scheme, but it could contain some orange in the end ;)

 

Cheers,

 

Ludovic

 

EDIT: I also went through the Origins section and changed a few things that CJJ had pointed out. I'm not sure if I'll add much more to the Origins right now, as I may just wait until I have every part laid out before adding more words to the IA.

 

As always, C&C is welcome and much appreciated!

[Dosjetka]

I've added a small part of the Beliefs section. I would have liked to add more, but I seem to be incapable of wording my thoughts correctly and so I'm going to muse on the rest of the section for longer and add more as I go along, instead of getting all worked up now and producing crap.

 

Cheers for reading,

 

Ludovic

[Ace Debonair]

At the risk of causing you to start over again (again) I'm going to do a spot of C&C. ;)

 

Their weapons, often crudely fashioned blades only vaguely ressembling swords, are considered to be inhabited by the spirits of those killed by it and so the more one has killed with one blade, the more power he holds and the higher up in the primitive society the warrior rises. The blades of these esteemed figures are often re-forged with extra care and attention by the planet's most skilled smiths, making the blade something worthy of awe. Each and every one of Nomeni's people has a blade as these are crafted at a child's birth and are often hung above the infant's cradle, awaiting the day it can be wielded by the small human.

 

I'm not sure how crudely-fashioned swords are worthy of awe?

 

Also, if these swords are held in awe by the Nomenians, why aren't they passed from parent to child?

 

Seriously though. If you scrap your chapter again because I've pointed out another trivial detail, I'm going to facepalm so hard The Emperor himself will hear the slap. :)

 

 

EDIT:

Beliefs section seems alright so far, by the way.

[Dosjetka]

The C&C I've been craving for has arrived! All hail the Emperor! :tu:

 

And don't worry, I won't start again, not this time!

 

Due to the fact that they are inhabited by the deceased people's spirits, they are considered as objects of great power, but also, the more you slay, the better you sword becomes, after being re-forged. I hope that's understandable. If not, then I'll start again I'll try and explain it in a more understandable ;)

 

I'll try and add more to the Beliefs section soon!

 

Cheers Ace :P

 

Ludovic