Celestial Tigers

[Armond]

More added to the timeline!!! C&C is still welcome!

 

Index Astartes

 

The Celestial Tigers

 

Known as a staunch and loyal guardian to those under their protection, the Celestial Tigers have earned a reputation of being a benevolent and righteous ally to those faithful to the Imperium. To their enemies, they are viewed as being merciless and stalwart foes on the fields of battle. They believe it is their duty, with the strength bestowed upon them by the Emperor, to defend those who have not the means to do so themselves.

 

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Origins

 

I

n the early 40th millennium the planets nearest the Halo Zone of the Segmentum Pacificus were constantly threatened by the appearance of high levels of Orks. To bolster the strength of Imperial forces in the area and to maintain security for the resource rich planets, the Celestial Tigers were founded. White Scars gene-seed was decided upon by the Lords of Terra for use in their creation. Their first Chapter Master, Mhutai Khan, was chosen to bring his vast experience and tactical knowledge of combating Orks to the newly founded Chapter.

 

The arrival of Mhutai Khan and his retinue to the surface of Jiggu was met with a dignity and calm that impressed the Astartes to no end. Reactions when civilizations first come into contact with Astartes typically vary from borderline hysteria to undignified obeisance, and to see such a controlled reaction spoke highly of the discipline instilled in the people of Jiggu. The inhabitants of Jiggu were viewed to be excellent candidates as recruits and the land optimal as training grounds for the newly created Chapter.

 

Though a relatively young Chapter, the Celestial Tigers have carried themselves with integrity and honor since their inauguration.

 

Home World

 

T

he Celestial Tigers hail from the world of Jiggu, located in the western sector of the Segmentum Pacificus near the Halo Zone. Threat of Xenos in that area, especially Orks (Jakart and Adrantis V being no more than 1,400 light-years away) made the creation of the Celestial Tigers a priority in up keeping the security of the Imperium in the area. The resources on the moon named Dal that circles Jiggu also required protection as well as being harvested for the Imperium; their destination is the Forge World of Urdesh in the southeastern sector of Segmentum Pacificus. The Celestial Tigers provide both sector security and transit security for materials harvested.

 

The population of Jiggu numbers close to 4.1 Billion. It is considered sparsely populated in respect to landmass, although numbers swell as you travel towards towns and cities. The world is made up of three main continents; in order of size they are Mikan, Hanguk, and Nihon. There are small islands spread throughout the world at varying locales, and most are uninhabited. The continents are located in temperate zones of the world and so the people enjoy varying seasons with no extremes in temperature.

 

Jiggu is orbited by one large moon named Dal, which happens to be heavily laden with adamantium, a key component in the production of Terminator Armor and Imperial Titans. Being so large and having a strong gravitational pull, it is the reason for the violent waves and storms that are common on Jiggu. The Celestial Tigers have established a small moon base, The Forever Vigilant on Dal. They keep two companies based there at all times. It is done on a rotation, and every company is required to hold the post with the exception of the 1st Company. One company posted is required to maintain lunar security, while the second is tasked with transit security to Urdesh.

 

The White Horangi

In the mountains and forests of Jiggu dwell a creature of sacred meaning to the Hanguk. The mysterious White Horangi, or Tiger in low Gothic, is a majestic and powerful beast. To see one is to witness the ruler of his realm in all its majesty.

 

With tail length included, the beast measures four meters in length. It possesses large canines, resembling those of prehistoric cats of old from Terra, measuring up to 40cm long. Sheathed within its large paws are curved claws measuring upwards of 10cm long. It is covered in a coat of white and has faint gray stripes covering its body. The eyes are of a glittering gold color and hold a wisdom all of their own.

 

 

It is said a White Horangi will live for centuries and legend tells that there is only ever one in existence at a time. In the beliefs of the Hanguk, centuries past, it was a sign that a rightful ruler sat upon the throne of the kingdom if someone caught a glimpse of one. In present times, the sighting of one is a sign of good fortune to the witness. It is also a known to be the honorable guardian of the moon that circles Jiggu. Of course this is all unfounded and probably has more to do with the fact that it is an extremely rare occurrence to see one. They make no sound and do their best to not be seen.

 

It is with this knowledge that Mhutai Khan derived the Chapter name. It would also be used as the name chosen for the Chapter Master's Honor Guard.

 

Mikan and Hanguk are in close proximity to one another, with only the Strait of Yalbeun (which connects the Taitan Ocean to the Keun Ocean) separating them by a mere 17 kilometers. The Strait has been the center of centuries of conflict between the inhabitants of both lands. Whoever controls the strait, controls access to both oceans and their bountiful resources. Nihon is located several thousand kilometers to the southeast of Hanguk and is home to inhabitants who raid the southern coasts of Mikan and Hanguk. Violent waves originating from the oceans crash against the shores of all continents, and it is not uncommon for tsunamis to occur throughout the year. Having to rebuild their devastated towns at any given time period has given way to a resiliency in the populations throughout.

 

All three of the main continents are covered in dense forests and jungles which are inhabited by various natural predators and their prey. Large mountain ranges reach across the continents, and vary in elevation, peaking at nearly 9,000 meters.

 

Careful examination of the cultures revealed that each of the three separate continents made war in different manners, but all were ultimately driven towards hand-to-hand of some form. This influenced Mhutai Khan into adopting a combination of lightning-fast engagement and savage but skillful hand-to-hand combat into their combat doctrine.

 

The most intriguing of the three for Mhutai Kahn were the people of Hanguk, who recruited young men from an early age to begin training in diplomacy, tactics, philosophy(especially the teachings of the great monk Gwarang), and their own sacred martial art (Hwarangdo) as potential leaders. The groups of young men and boys were called the Hwarang (Flowering Knights to reflect their constant state of learning) and history of Hanguk shows that members of this group made the most effective and successful leaders. In fact, it would be noted that the majority of Captains and Sergeants had been of the Hwarang prior to their trials as successful aspirants. The term Hwarang would later be used as an honorific for the members of the Terminator Squads of the 1st Company.

 

The people of Jiggu vary slightly from continent to continent, but there are many shared traits. Although short of stature, the majorities are of athletic build and possess high levels of endurance. The various cultures of Jiggu all venerate martial prowess, and honor the warriors of their civilizations. Skin color varies from a tawny hue, for those who spend their lives working the grain fields, to unblemished ivory, for those of nobility. The people of Jiggu, although varying in culture from continent to continent, were introduced to martial arts at an early age and practiced throughout their lifetime. Their pointed emphasis on honor and loyalty were also added as being another undeniably positive trait for recruitment.

 

Initial talks with the natives of Jiggu were difficult, but the mental agility of Mhutai Khan allowed for communication to flow quickly once his grasp of the native language increased.

 

The ideals of the Imperium of Man and the combined cultures of Jiggu proved to be in alignment and so the task of bringing them into the fold of the Emperor was not an arduous one. Only one request was made from the native people, and that was to allow the people to maintain their current way of life. Although the requirements of a local PDF had to be met, there was no other significant change to the culture.

 

Mhutai Khan agreed to the request based on several grounds; their way of life produced a prime pool of candidates from which aspirants could be chosen, much of what they practiced had no conflict with the teachings of the Imperium, and the main reason for presence in the sector was the material rich moon. All males have a requirement to serve in the local military, which has made the creation of a PDF a particularly easy transition.

 

All members of the Celestial Tigers are encouraged by their leadership to interact with the inhabitants of Jiggu when given an opportunity. This requirement bolsters the relationship between the Chapter members and the natives of Jiggu resulting in increased quality of potential aspirants and recruits for the PDF. Maintaining this relationship built on mutual respect and sharing the same loyalties have only increased the bond over time. This has also paved way for the Celestial Tigers to maintain their humanity. There have been no reports of heretics of any kind to present date and it is believed that this is largely in part due to the magnanimity shown the inhabitants of Jiggu.

 

The highest point on Jiggu, Gangpokhan, sits on the continent of Hanguk. It is the location the Chapter has chosen as their base of operations. The fortress monastery, referred to as The Sanctuary of the Horangi is integrated into the base of the mountain, which provides a natural form of protection from orbital bombardment. It was personally designed by First Gukseon Mhutai Khan, and integrated the style of the culture of the Hanguk in its appearance. Recruits are escorted to The Sanctuary of the Horangi where the trials to become aspirants begins. It is an expansive structure that spans the entire length and width of the mountain base.

 

Beliefs

 

Edited July 20, 2012 by Armond

[Dosjetka]

Firstly, welcome to the Liber, Armond! I hope that you'll enjoy your time here :tu:

 

Secondly, I admit that I haven't read the whole IA yet (and I will whenever I get the time to), but from what I've seen, it looks quite good B)

 

May I just suggest that you alter your colour scheme a bit? It's a bit bright as it is now... (But that's just my opinion, so follow it only if you want to)

 

I'll get back to you on this soon enough B)

 

Ludovic

Edited May 31, 2012 by Battle-Brother Ludovic

[InquisitorHayn]

Glad to see you decided to go with the Asia-inspired theme, Armond. Now, to business.

 

Utilizing the esteemed gene-seed of Jaghatai Khan it would seem that their use of lightning fast attack fit the disposition of their progenitor's way of war. The difference is that instead of coupling the lightning quick attacks with hit-and-run tactics like the White Scars, the Celestial Tigers attack with haste to get into vicious close combat where they excel. It is not as though they eschew ranged combat, but preference lies in hand-to-hand.

Your Origins section is at a decent starting point, but this paragraph is an example of the number one item on my IA pet peeve list. When you describe yourself to someone, do you typically say, "Compared to my parents/siblings/random familial units, I..."? No, of course you don't. That's because you're an individual who has developed beyond the base genetics and formative education in which those individuals played a part. So has your Chapter. They're not just baby White Scars anymore. Include the necessary lineage elements, but describe them as if yours is the first Chapter we've ever read about in depth. Unnecessary comparison degrades the perceived quality of your work.

 

The population of Jiggu numbers close to 4.1 Billion. It is considered sparsely populated in respect to landmass, although numbers swell as you travel towards towns and cities. The world is made up of three main continents; in order of size they are Chinae, Gorea, and Nippo.

It's cool, Octavulg, I'll take this one. :blink:

 

One of the key elements in making cultural references work is keeping it subtle. To put it as delicately as I can, I feel like you just slapped me with a brick engraved with the phrase, "Welcome to modern-day Asia!" Such blatantly obvious references to the real world don't allow the reader to easily suspend their disbelief, destroying the credibility and cool points you may have otherwise accrued.

 

Aside from that, your Homeworld section needs some serious tightening. I now know almost the entire history of the planet...and next to nothing about your Chapter. Don't forget why you're writing the IA. Save the extensive explanation of the homeworld for the novel, if you write one. Try and use only those facts that contribute to developing the image of your Chapter. It'll keep the reader focused and also make your IA shorter.

 

First draft's always the roughest, but I think you have a good potential IA here. Cheers!

Edited May 31, 2012 by InquisitorHayn

[Myxx]

I like the overall idea, but I must agree that some of your naming kills my suspension of disbelief. I understand the desire to use modern-day Asia as an inspiration, but simple softening the names isn't enough in my opinion. I would suggest possibly using a name that has a similar flavor or meaning without being heavy handed.

 

example: rather than Chinae, maybe Wu Jie (Five Kingdoms), rather than Nippo, maybe Kojima (Small Island), and instead of Gorea, Sesjjae (Third). Or something like that, just my $.02

[Armond]

@Battle Brother L - Thanks for the welcome! I might alter the scheme a bit, depending on how I feel, but reds are strong in Korean culture and I love the color haha. But I will see.

 

@InquisitorHayn - I see where you are going with this. Names seem to have a huge impact on the affect an IA has on the readers. I see that from Myxx as well. I am definitely going to keep that in mind and make a few changes on that. Also, I had not gotten to much of the Chapter yet, I was still working on all of that, this is just what I was starting off with. Chapter elaboration is coming soon, I just need to work on a stronger set of ideas and detail them out!

 

@Myxx - Your words have been noted and I am going to see what I can do. Obviously I read some history, I just thought it would be nice to keep something recognizable. But I see that throwing some names unknown might add to the flavor instead of detracting!

 

@all - But would keeping Korean-ish names for my characters detract? I like the names. Thanks for reading and C&C for what I have written so far. Much more to come, when I can find time between a 2 year old, a 2 week old, and a wife hahaha!

Edited May 31, 2012 by Armond

[Myxx]

I think the use of Korean (or at least Korean sounding) names for characters would help reinforce the idea of an Asian themed world. I just think using a name like Gorea forces you out of the fictional realm (and it also sounds vaguely like a social disease). I would be like writing a great story about how a veteran Sgt found himself interred in a dread, but named him Honored Brother Steve, it kind of derails the suspension of disbelief.

 

But let me also say, I think your overall idea is neat and I look forward to following your IA.

[InquisitorHayn]

I would be like writing a great story about how a veteran Sgt found himself interred in a dread, but named him Honored Brother Steve

I have the strongest urge to do this now...

[Armond]

Updated on the First post!

[Myxx]

I reread everything and I think it is better. Only critique: lots of info on world, not so much on chapter. But I await more with baited breath... ;)

[Dosjetka]

You seem to have included the name Celestial Lions instead of Tigers in at least one place (end of the Home World section, but nothing major otherwise. Your Home World section is, to me, too long. It is (usually) supposed to be a brief overview of your home world, not a detailed history of its people's battles and other relantionships. It is however interesting and shows your talent as a storyteller. Something you may want to look at if you want to write about your Chapter in a short story ;)

 

Ludovic

Edited June 1, 2012 by Battle-Brother Ludovic

[Armond]

Ok, cut back on some of the home world stuff, will refine later. Tried to fix the Lions/Tigers mix up. I was reading about some type of Lions somewhere and it stuck for some reason.

 

Again, I am so needing advice on how to work the combat doctrine and the organization in regards to Quick and Brutal close combat. I want them to get in quick(via transport, drop pod, etc) and to just show the enemy their hand-to-hand superiority.

 

Thanks so much for leading me in the right direction!

[Armond]

More updates have been added, was able to do some "work" at work. :)

[Armond]

I am looking to work on a short story for the conflict between my Chapter and the Night Lords that led to the internment of Brother Wonsul within a Dreadnought. I figure the story would be from his point of view and would be him telling a story to new members of the 4th Company.

 

Oh and Brother L, I worked on the color scheme a little bit to make it less "bright." Hope it suffices ^_^

Edited June 2, 2012 by Armond

[Armond]

No more suggestions? Sorry for not completing Battle Cry and Organization sections. Been real busy at work. But I would like some C&C on my revisions if possible. :P

[Dosjetka]

I'll have a look in the next couple of days, as soon as I've got the time to! I think we're all pretty busy right now :sweat:

 

Ludovic

[Armond]

My thanks kind sir!

[Armond]

Short, short story from Brother Wonsul. If you read my IA you will find him mentioned in there! Let me know what you think!

 

 

 

Date: 239.M41

Event: Raid on The Valiant Rhee

Account given by Brother Wonsul (former Squad Sergeant of 2nd Squad, 4th Company)

 

The Ironclad Dreadnought stood silent. All manner of honors and renown decorated its massive frame. In audience were the newest members of the 4th Company as well as their respective squad leaders. They were to be granted the privilege to hear Brother Wonsul’s account of the infamous raid on The Valiant Rhee. The silence in the chamber was absolute, all awaiting the account of that infamous attack. His booming voice was amplified by his vox speakers, and he spoke…

 

By decree of Gukseon Yushin it was our honored duty to provide transport security for resources to be sent to the Forge World of Urdesh. As required of all Companies, security of routes to and from our allies of the Mechanicum was to be carried out by a full Company of battle brothers for a period of two decades, Terran standard time. At the time, a frigate laden with adamantium was to begin travel to Urdesh as per agreement made with the Mechanicum for their support at the founding of the Chapter.

 

We would provide escort while utilizing our Strike Cruiser, The Valiant Rhee. Standard protocol would be followed, and there was no foreseen threat. The Orks in the sector had been successfully repelled and controlled since the esteemed Gukseon Mhutai Khan’s passing. What follows is perhaps the most nefarious of acts to be committed against our beloved Chapter since its inception.

 

While in movement through the void, the frigate in our care suffered a power failure. Emergency systems allowed for a vox to be sent to our cruiser. Its message was a simple corroboration of the power loss. Within a minute’s time, a second message was transmitted, but we were unable to receive at that moment due to suffering from our own power loss. Back-up systems were coming online and at that moment a vox-all message was received by an unknown source. The message was, “Ave Dominus Nox...” The voice delivering the message was a whisper, no more than a movement of air had the words not been picked out.

 

Captain Soone of the 4th issued a call to battle stations for all hands. That was when the first impacts were felt. My station, as well as the rest of 2nd squad’s was that of the lower deck’s armory. We were to safeguard the contents and to ensure it remained untouched by enemy forces. We took defensive positions along the corridors leading to the armory and sat in silence listening to the vox. We felt the tremors of enemy guns breaking against our shields but heard no reply from our own guns.

 

Brother Li broke silence and gave voice to my own concerns, “Brother-Sergeant, what is happening? I have felt no answer from our own ship’s weapons in reply to being attacked. I feel as though we are being toyed with and I like it not.”

 

I commanded that vox discipline be maintained and to uphold silence. Moments later the Company vox channel came alive with exclamations of being under attack, bolter fire could be heard in the background drowning out the words. Then the clearest message heard yet was broadcast across our channels, “Brothers, we are under attack by the traitorous spawn of the accursed Curze, steel yourselves and deliver the Emperor’s punishment.” The declaration was delivered by our beloved Captain, and it was the last I heard of him…

 

I contemplated moving the 2nd and attempting to make contact with the enemy, but to do so would surely leave the armory unguarded. The thought left my mind as quickly as it entered; the footsteps of power armor could then be heard traversing the adjacent walkway. My enhanced sense of hearing, further enhanced by my helm picked out the sounds of servos and humming given off by power armor. I sent a squad-wide vox to ready ourselves and prepare for contact. It sounded as though our attackers were lacking discipline with their rapid movement, but this was to be expected from the treasonous ones.

 

Surprise was etched in their posture as the first members of the opposition rounded the corner; they seemed not to have expected an opposing force in waiting. In the moments before reactions could be made, their identity was confirmed, traitorous whoresons of the Eighth Legion! The red-winged skull of the Night Lords emblazoned upon their pauldron and the telltale signs of heretics adorned their power armor. The order to engage was given in that moment, and a cacophony of noise then followed. Bolter fire spit across the expansive hallway, and in mere seconds three of the raiders were scythed as grain.

 

That was when we suffered our first casualty. Return fire hit Brother Jeung and the junction of his helmet and chest plate, almost completing detaching his head from his neck. What followed next was a loud chatter of heavy bolter fire originating from Brother Tong, his legs spread in a braced stance. Exploding shells made direct hits on several of the raiders, tearing through their dark armor. A handful more fell, and then Brother Tong’s rapid fire fell silent, I glanced back to confirm what my helm was relaying to me. A flat line of his life signs showed on my squad interface as his bulk thundered to the floor.

 

As if on cue, the enemy closed in on us, assassin’s blades and other close combat weapons clutched in their hands. I took in their numbers, more than two squads worth still stood. We were down two brothers bringing us to eight. Perhaps they believed us to be easy prey, but their haste to close with us would prove to be the great equalizer. Our constant training in the honored art of Hwarangdo combined with the dimensions of the hall would indeed grant us a boon.

 

My chainsword met the clumsy swing of a chain axe, our teeth rebounding and breaking apart as they ate at each other. As my opponent’s body turned ever so slightly, attempting to gut me with a swing for my torso, I brought my powerfist under in a devastating uppercut. As my fist made contact with the blade moving towards my midriff, it destroyed it and the hand wielding it. We broke apart, taking each other in, his body language betraying astonishment and disbelief. I grinned behind my helm, his hesitance would cost him. With only one arm and no distance between us, I initiated contact once again. My fist connected with his helm and then his right pauldron, both breaking apart with ease. He ceased to oppose me, felled by my blow.

 

To my left and right my brothers were engaged with the rogues. We stood a full five-wide; to my left Brother Yi and Brother Xiang, while to my right fought Brother Baek and Brother Taegu. Brothers Seon, Li, and Cheul stood ready to join the press should one of their valiant brothers fell to the fiends. We pressed forward and the enemy scattered as mice, filling the hole they left burst the promethium-rich flame engulfing the brothers to the left of me. I raged within, realizing that all sense of honor died with these dogs when they turned away from the Emperor’s Light. In a trained move, I kneeled, dropped my chainsword and took up my fallen foe’s chain axe. In that same movement I gunned the blade to life and launched it in a sideways throw towards the flamer-wielding scum. It caught him on the upper right arm, its monomolecular teeth severing it; the flamer hit the deck with a crash, still attached to him by the feed tube. Securing my own weapon again, I looked to Brother Cheul making visual contact with him.

 

As if reading my thoughts, Brother Cheul fired his bolter at the promethium tank exposed. The firestorm that followed enveloped seven of the betrayers along with the wielder, melting the ceramite and the flesh and bone beneath.

 

Through the flames and clouds of smoke a midnight-clad, wing-helmed marine leapt. He impaled Brother Cheul through the torso on his Warp-tainted sword. In a final act of defiance, Brother Cheul fired his bolter at close range into his pelvis before perishing. His killer slumped atop of Brother Cheul, super-human healing trying to catch up to the trauma caused by the mass-reactive shells. Another brother lost…

 

Our squad reduced to the numbers of a demi-squad, renewed our undertaking. I voxed to my brothers to redouble their efforts and to readdress the enemy. The crash of weapon on weapon permeates the air; the traitors furious and frantic at the same time, and my brothers-in-arms answering with trained reactions. I hear the magnified scream of what seems to be the leader’s commands over the bedlam, trying to restore some semblance of discipline to his forces. I begin taking purposeful steps towards the source, felling another Night Lord with a practiced swing as I move. I have locked with another of them, his reactions more skillful and capable than the brothers I have already dispatched.

 

Our weapons crash together over and over, both of us trying to find an opening in the other’s defense. I hold back my powerfist, awaiting an opportunity to strike. I realized that to commit too early would leave me open to a counterstroke. His first and final mistake was an overzealous overhand chop with his double-handed chainsword. I side-stepped swiftly, his helm came level with mine realizing his mistake, and mere milliseconds later my fist’s energy field makes initial contact with his head. Never hesitating, I crushed his helm ending his treasonous existence.

 

I noted Brother Baek and Seon dispatching two more of them. Survey of the hall showed eight Night Lords standing and five of us ready to continue the fray. It seems the enemy recognized their losses, and chose to disengage putting space between us. We pressed forward once again, launching a counterattack, Brother Taegu extirpating another of their number.

 

Three of the murderers, including their craven leader, pulled their mag-locked bolters from their hips. They then proceeded to open fire on us, using their own raid members as shields. Brothers Seon and Yi were felled as well as another of their number. I myself was hit, four shots registering, and then a fifth struck my helm rendering it ineffective. Dropping the chainsword to the ground, I tore my helm from my head, allowing me to view the enemy with my own eyes. A momentary self-assessment showed 2 penetrating shots; one in the chest and one in the thigh. My gene-enhanced body was already working to clot and repair the damage while combat stims were being pumped into my bloodstream.

 

The bolter fire ceased and the sounds of magazines being dropped could be heard. “Into them,” I screamed, trying to close the distance before they could bring their soon to be reloaded bolters to bear on us. Leaving my chainsword on the ground to conserve precious moments, I crossed the floor in an instant and shoulder-charged one of them buffeting him into his bolter-wielding brethren. The three of us crashed to the floor in disarray. I flailed into their mass, using the anarchy to my advantage. My powerfist pulverized the both of them. I leapt to my feet, and saw to my dismay my three remaining brothers lifeless. Their lives bought me my own. All that stood in the aftermath was I, their cur of a leader and his last remaining lackey.

 

Closer observation proved that the leader was untouched, however his underling proved to be badly injured. He was weaponless and crashed to his knees, both hands attempting to staunch the blood loss. His body unable to endure the strain, he fell to the ground inert.

 

“How unfortunate,” a harsh whisper expressed. Looking from the fallen bodies to the speaker I noted the absence of his helm. Pale white skin and emotionless black pits for eyes characterized his face. Mutation was not evident on his face, nor was any markings I thought typical of a traitor Marine present. His face betrayed noble lineage, but the sneer on his lips showed obvious contempt. He turned his head side to side, taking in the scene, “It would seem we two are all that stands. I must commend you on your efforts, and those of your fallen brothers,” the final word spit with contempt.

 

My every fiber called out for his death, and the urge to engage was never more present. I could feel the effects of the battle stims wearing off, and my two wounds seriousness was telling. One of my lungs had collapsed as well as there being other internal damage. My thigh was stiff, able to support my weight, but sudden movement may prove to injure me further. “You have lost this battle cur,” I replied. “The Emperor’s will was done, and we have decimated you.”

 

Laughter spilled from his mouth, grating against my ears. “Have you no knowledge of what has occurred? You stand alone! You are all that is left of this ship’s occupants! The rest of my number will be arriving shortly, but they will not find you standing…” He slid a wondrous blade from the scabbard upon his hip. Obviously a trophy from a previous raid, for what unworthy being could possess it? Its intricate hilt was decorated with details most associated with the esteemed Ultramarines. His threat hung in the air mere moments before he began to make his way towards me.

 

“You will be denied this victory disgraced son of Curze; you will find that I am not easy prey.” I retrieved my chainsword from the floor, keeping my eyes upon him.

 

“Perhaps you are right thin-blood, an adjustment shall be made.” As his proclamation spat forth, he suddenly stooped and gripped a bolter. With no other course of action present, I charged forward with the powerfist shielding my face and chainsword activated. Two shots fired and then the telltale clicks of an empty magazine. A shot struck me in the right pauldron and another in the chest. The pauldron exploded and shards of ceramite embedded themselves into the right side of my face. Loss of vision in my right eye and lack of hearing from my right ear followed. My chest plate absorbed the shot to the chest, detonating and splitting. I continued my mad dash forward.

 

The crackle of power weapons clashing filled the air as my fist met his sword. His next strike met the teeth of my sword, eating them up, and eventually sundering the weapon in two. The traitor followed up with a vicious horizontal strike, I parried using the remaining remnants of my chainsword. He recovered and assumed a position of attack while I dropped the now ineffectual weapon and committed to the unexpected. I bolted forward, powerfist readied and prepared to strike. In anticipation of a clumsy reaction, I opened the fingers of the powerfist, and was rewarded with contact with the powersword. Closing my fingers around its blade, I then stepped in and executed an over the shoulder toss. My foe maintained his instinctual grip on the blade, which would prove to be his undoing but would also prove to my own as well.

 

I leapt atop him once he crashed onto the body-littered floor. I thundered an elbow into his face and heard the crack of ceramite as it met his skull. A second blow followed and I felt his grip loosen on the weapon. I failed to yield and continued to rain down strikes upon his head until he no longer struggled, his face no longer recognizable in the aftermath. I then attempted to rise to my feet. I glanced downwards, and I had been run through.

 

With much effort, I pulled the blade from my chest. He had pierced my primary heart. The trauma done to me forced my Sus-an Membrane to put me into a state of suspended animation, and then I knew no more.

 

As one, the whole room knelt with bowed heads to pay respects to their lost brothers, and to honor the efforts and account of Brother Wonsul. “Rise my brethren… Honor me not with knees bent, but with devotion to your duties as the Emperor’s servants and as a fellow brother of the Celestial Tigers.”

Edited June 15, 2012 by Armond

[Andrew J]

Armond I think you could do well with the Korean theme but you need to dig deeper into it. What about the korean culture inspired you to do this chapter? What aspects of their beliefs do you admire? Do they fit in with Astartes and codex? If not why?

 

I for one like all the naming conventions as it helps to permeate the theme through the chapter. I think you do very well writing specific information for each section but when it comes to an IA it should be a well condensed summary of the most recognizable traits of your chapter. You have a lot of information that doesnt necessarily have anything to do with the chapter, that while interesting to you, tends to take away the attention of the article from your chapter. Every paragraph should tie into the chapter in someway. Describing the individual continents of the homeworld should have some relation to the chapter in their beliefs or organizational structure, not just content for contents sake. Remember this is not a novel detailing the universe that they are set in, the setting is already there and most people here know it very well. The IA is your chapter and how they work within the setting and what makes them interesting.

 

Hope that helps.

[Armond]

Armond I think you could do well with the Korean theme but you need to dig deeper into it. What about the korean culture inspired you to do this chapter? What aspects of their beliefs do you admire? Do they fit in with Astartes and codex? If not why?

 

The inspiration came from the fact that I am half Korean. Simple as that. Well it isn't just Korean culture, but their history that I like. The whole defiance of Admiral Yi to the Japanese and his victories over them are inspirational themselves( a never give up attitude combined with quick learning and applied tactics). I think that the whole culture honors their elders/superiors so that plays a part. I mentioned some of it in the Teachings of Gwarang(slightly altered but inspired by actual teachings to the Hwarang). The personal integrity of the majority of Korean, and in general Asian culture/society(I have lived in Japan for 3 years and having half my family being Korean and how different they are than Americans as a whole) gives me some directions. The way they have a specific family/society hierarchy(in relation to Astartes command structure) which is a strength. I am sure I can dig up some more as well.

 

I for one like all the naming conventions as it helps to permeate the theme through the chapter. I think you do very well writing specific information for each section but when it comes to an IA it should be a well condensed summary of the most recognizable traits of your chapter. You have a lot of information that doesnt necessarily have anything to do with the chapter, that while interesting to you, tends to take away the attention of the article from your chapter. Every paragraph should tie into the chapter in someway. Describing the individual continents of the homeworld should have some relation to the chapter in their beliefs or organizational structure, not just content for contents sake. Remember this is not a novel detailing the universe that they are set in, the setting is already there and most people here know it very well. The IA is your chapter and how they work within the setting and what makes them interesting.

 

I guess I need to shorten certain sections. I did mention about the people from Hanguk who tend to be the leaders of Squads and Companies due to their very early introduction to tactics, philosophy, diplomacy, and fighting while learning as Hwarang. If you could point out a specific paragrapth and let me know what about it needs some work that may spark a few things for me. I am just not sure what else I can do. I have read several IAs and a large majority of them seem longer than my own. I understand the whole "contents for contents sake," but I need a specific example so I know what to look for!

 

Hope that helps.

 

 

Thank you for your C&C! I am really trying to better this and you actually taking the time to reply is appreciated.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Armond

[Andrew J]

Alright read through it again. Here are some specific things I think you could work on.

 

What remains unknown is how the attack came without warning. Review of logs show no indication of any enemy vessels appearing on their sensor arrays. The only possibility is that the traitors have somehow come into possession of stealth technology of some kind.

I feel like this is unnecessary. You could totally remove it.

 

I feel like you give a lot of extraneous information in the homeworld section. You describe it a little in the Origins section and I feel like that is all you need. I do applaud the level of detail described for each continent and its relative inhabitants but feel like it doesnt do anything for the chapter. You are just getting farther and farther away from the main point of the IA which is the Celestial Lions by talking in such depth about the native people of Jiggu.

 

I like the origins section and feel like that covers the early portion of their history. One thing to consider is what is the point of telling about this battle? What significance does it have to the chapter? Does the combat doctrine change? Remember they fight constantly so any battle described needs to have a significant impact on the chapter. I do feel like the last section of the origins after the night lords attack might be too much.

 

After your response I can see why you would choose that now. Also I think you wrote some great things in your response that you should incorporate more throughout your IA, ( a never give up attitude combined with quick learning and applied tactics), honors their elders/superiors , personal integrity, family/societal hierarchy. I dont really get a feeling of much of these through your IA. I say go back and reread each part and try to add in these things to give your chapter more character.

 

Also you dont have a chapter beliefs section. That is probably the most important part of an IA. You can definitely go on in length about those traits there. That is where you will develop the most character for your chapter and help make them different than korean named-white scars. It gives the chapter the most depth and character. I can tell you have a great deal of desire to really give them a story and depth and this is the best way to do it.

 

EDIT: also wanted to say that this is one of the toughest IAs to do. Asian themed IAs tend to be very shallow and go to the extent of name changes and katanas usually. I blame it on the english origins of the game making it hard to reconcile the asian names and culture with the english background. Also I think many writers dont have a complete understanding of the asian cultures and fall into the traps of easiness.

 

I wish you the best.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Andrew J

[Arthanor]

Armond, you have the making of a very interesting chapter! I read the IA but not the story (will do later and edit or post again) and here are a few things that I noticed:

 

1- Proof reading: Although yours is a good quality text, there are a few signs that it needs a good read through to tie the writing together. Taking a step back and re-reading from beginning to end can be profitable, both for things like repetitions or typos and for inspiring yourself from your own work.

 

Repetitions, such as The mysterious White Horangi, or Tiger in low Gothic, is a mysterious beast. or thus effectively rendering the Ork Waaagh leaderless. With no leader, the Orks were routed and effectively defeated. are unfortunate. Varying the words you use makes the writing more fluid. Try not to repeate words, or concepts (routed and defeated). It's a small things, of course, and probably comes from editing your text a lot. GW writers do it often too, adding different adjectives that all mean the same thing to the same sentences. In most cases, it does not make them better, just goofier.

 

2- Dates: I usually only glance at dates, but your text drew my attention to them. Your 2nd Chapter Master being an established and trusted leader for over a millennia sounds a bit long. (I just noticed, it should be just over a millenium or just over two millenia, but that's super long) Dante is 1100 years old and a legend for it! If it's the same dude that stepped up in 582.M40 and was leading them in 239.M41, plus serving for a millenium, that guy is old!

 

Also having to wait 143 years (239.M41 to 382.M41) to join battle again seems long. In the 41st millenium, there is only war! The Emperor's Finest should not go on breaks of a century and a half! Maybe you mean it has been that long before they got another battle of this scale? Or you could make it more relevant to the previous engagement by saying that, 143 years they finally made contact with Night Lords again, which would explain why the 4th was so eager to get into the fight. Losing to Night Lords and going nuts against Orks makes less sense than avenging your dead on those who killed them.

 

3- Be careful about your claims. Your space marines all being masters of close combat is pushing it, them being masters of some aspect of close combat is much more believable. Maybe sword fighting or fighting more numerous foes using longer weapons to keep them at bay (good against orks! and polearms are something I associate with continental Asia). In the intro, you also claim that they always fulfilled their duty. If it is restricted to preventing supplies from falling into Xenos hands, sure, but losing them to Night Lords also seem like a bit of a failure. Of course, they fought to the last for it and died an honorable death, but the result is still the same. Having a chapter who is mostly succesfull and tries hard even in the face of defeat is better than being undefeated.

 

4- Why is the chapter master so inspired by the native of his homeworld? I know there are links between homeworlds and the chapters that's on them, but it's usually the chapter who influences the world or chooses a world that suits them or something that comes from the time of the primarchs for the legions. Taking the name and symbolism of the apex predator of their homeworld makes sense, space marines, like the tiger, are at the top of the food chain. Otherwise, it seems more likely that the chapter picks a world that suits it than molding itself to fit the world it has.

 

When you mention your chapter master being pushed towards close combat by the natives, I can only picture a newly nominated chapter master going like: "I wonder how I should fight with this chapter of mine.. Throne! I don't know.. *looks at the native of his new homeworld* Eh, maybe we'll charge at the ennemy with swords like these guys? Who cares about guns any ways..." Taking the fighting style of the natives seems odd. Why not make it that he chose them partly because they were already skilled in close combat? You already allude to that earlier in the text and it makes a lot of sense. I understood that your chapter master was a White Scar captain, maybe he was chosen because he liked close combat more than the norm of the White Scars, so they decided to "cut him loose" with his own chapter, knowing that fighting orks, he'd have to be in combat very often any ways.

 

That's all I can think of right now, I hope it helps! You have a good IA with potential for a very original chapter, without playing into the urge of making them so special that they don't fit in anymore, well done!

[Armond]

Alright read through it again. Here are some specific things I think you could work on.

 

What remains unknown is how the attack came without warning. Review of logs show no indication of any enemy vessels appearing on their sensor arrays. The only possibility is that the traitors have somehow come into possession of stealth technology of some kind.

I feel like this is unnecessary. You could totally remove it.

Done, I read it over again and agree!

 

I feel like you give a lot of extraneous information in the homeworld section. You describe it a little in the Origins section and I feel like that is all you need. I do applaud the level of detail described for each continent and its relative inhabitants but feel like it doesnt do anything for the chapter. You are just getting farther and farther away from the main point of the IA which is the Celestial Lions by talking in such depth about the native people of Jiggu.

I cut it out and saved it to a separate document in case I wanted to write a detailed short story one day!

 

I like the origins section and feel like that covers the early portion of their history. One thing to consider is what is the point of telling about this battle? What significance does it have to the chapter? Does the combat doctrine change? Remember they fight constantly so any battle described needs to have a significant impact on the chapter. I do feel like the last section of the origins after the night lords attack might be too much.

I tried to add some impact, and something that shows the quality of the Marines, hope it worked!

 

After your response I can see why you would choose that now. Also I think you wrote some great things in your response that you should incorporate more throughout your IA, ( a never give up attitude combined with quick learning and applied tactics), honors their elders/superiors , personal integrity, family/societal hierarchy. I dont really get a feeling of much of these through your IA. I say go back and reread each part and try to add in these things to give your chapter more character.

Same as above, I hope haha

 

Also you dont have a chapter beliefs section. That is probably the most important part of an IA. You can definitely go on in length about those traits there. That is where you will develop the most character for your chapter and help make them different than korean named-white scars. It gives the chapter the most depth and character. I can tell you have a great deal of desire to really give them a story and depth and this is the best way to do it.

I need to work on that, once I further review some more information and decide, I will create one!

 

EDIT: also wanted to say that this is one of the toughest IAs to do. Asian themed IAs tend to be very shallow and go to the extent of name changes and katanas usually. I blame it on the english origins of the game making it hard to reconcile the asian names and culture with the english background. Also I think many writers dont have a complete understanding of the asian cultures and fall into the traps of easiness.

Well I hope I do it some justice, I don't want to butcher it!

 

I wish you the best.

Thank you for your time!

[Armond]

Armond, you have the making of a very interesting chapter! I read the IA but not the story (will do later and edit or post again) and here are a few things that I noticed:

 

1- Proof reading: Although yours is a good quality text, there are a few signs that it needs a good read through to tie the writing together. Taking a step back and re-reading from beginning to end can be profitable, both for things like repetitions or typos and for inspiring yourself from your own work.

 

I have read, and reread this thing so many times, my head hurts! But I did look it over again, and am rewriting parts of it, please tell me what you think!

 

Repetitions, such as The mysterious White Horangi, or Tiger in low Gothic, is a mysterious beast. or thus effectively rendering the Ork Waaagh leaderless. With no leader, the Orks were routed and effectively defeated. are unfortunate. Varying the words you use makes the writing more fluid. Try not to repeate words, or concepts (routed and defeated). It's a small things, of course, and probably comes from editing your text a lot. GW writers do it often too, adding different adjectives that all mean the same thing to the same sentences. In most cases, it does not make them better, just goofier.

Removed those you noted, going to read it all again tomorrow, with a fresh night of sleep, and see if I can find more!

 

2- Dates: I usually only glance at dates, but your text drew my attention to them. Your 2nd Chapter Master being an established and trusted leader for over a millennia sounds a bit long. (I just noticed, it should be just over a millenium or just over two millenia, but that's super long) Dante is 1100 years old and a legend for it! If it's the same dude that stepped up in 582.M40 and was leading them in 239.M41, plus serving for a millenium, that guy is old!

 

Also having to wait 143 years (239.M41 to 382.M41) to join battle again seems long. In the 41st millenium, there is only war! The Emperor's Finest should not go on breaks of a century and a half! Maybe you mean it has been that long before they got another battle of this scale? Or you could make it more relevant to the previous engagement by saying that, 143 years they finally made contact with Night Lords again, which would explain why the 4th was so eager to get into the fight. Losing to Night Lords and going nuts against Orks makes less sense than avenging your dead on those who killed them.

Maybe it looks better now? I redid the math and made things more "believable."

 

3- Be careful about your claims. Your space marines all being masters of close combat is pushing it, them being masters of some aspect of close combat is much more believable. Maybe sword fighting or fighting more numerous foes using longer weapons to keep them at bay (good against orks! and polearms are something I associate with continental Asia). In the intro, you also claim that they always fulfilled their duty. If it is restricted to preventing supplies from falling into Xenos hands, sure, but losing them to Night Lords also seem like a bit of a failure. Of course, they fought to the last for it and died an honorable death, but the result is still the same. Having a chapter who is mostly succesfull and tries hard even in the face of defeat is better than being undefeated.

Ok, maybe I fixed it. I tried to emphasize the sword fighting and the hand-to-hand aspects. Better?

 

4- Why is the chapter master so inspired by the native of his homeworld? I know there are links between homeworlds and the chapters that's on them, but it's usually the chapter who influences the world or chooses a world that suits them or something that comes from the time of the primarchs for the legions. Taking the name and symbolism of the apex predator of their homeworld makes sense, space marines, like the tiger, are at the top of the food chain. Otherwise, it seems more likely that the chapter picks a world that suits it than molding itself to fit the world it has.

More to come on this, I kind of touched on it, more changes to be made.

 

When you mention your chapter master being pushed towards close combat by the natives, I can only picture a newly nominated chapter master going like: "I wonder how I should fight with this chapter of mine.. Throne! I don't know.. *looks at the native of his new homeworld* Eh, maybe we'll charge at the ennemy with swords like these guys? Who cares about guns any ways..." Taking the fighting style of the natives seems odd. Why not make it that he chose them partly because they were already skilled in close combat? You already allude to that earlier in the text and it makes a lot of sense. I understood that your chapter master was a White Scar captain, maybe he was chosen because he liked close combat more than the norm of the White Scars, so they decided to "cut him loose" with his own chapter, knowing that fighting orks, he'd have to be in combat very often any ways.

Will work on that, makes sense! Did make a few changes though!

 

 

Thanks for the C&C, I really do appreciate it! It helps tons! I took everything into consideration and am trying to do what I can to make this a worthwhile IA.

[Armond]

Also, if you have not noticed, Chapter name change, wanted it to fit the whole Horangi being the Guardian of the Moon. So changing the Chapter name made sense to me.

[Myxx]

I am wary of any chapters using the words Luna or Lunar in the name, particularly when combined with a predator. The last group with a name like that didn't turn out so well...

 

I also like celestial over lunar simply for the cadence and pronunciation.