Coryphaus 101 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 The Shredder Deimos looked around at his squad as the Thunderhawk shook around them. The Raptors were quiet, as they always were before battle. The Shredder, as he was so often called, smiled to himself. This was going to be fun. The vox was crackling with chatter, squads checking in with Enyalios and he, in turn directing them. The warband leader and his own squad of raptors would be in the air now, watching the battle progress from on high, or perhaps getting ready to zoom in were the fighting was most desperate. Deimos heard Enyalios speak across the vox again, this time directly to the Shredder and his squad. His smile broadened. Must be the former then. 'Raptor squad Deimos, a target has been identified. Prepare to engage.' He didn't bother replying, neither did his squad. As one, they checked their Shredder Bolters. The boltguns were things of beauty, crafted by the Dark Mechanicum specifically for the Shredder and his veterans. A gift from Enyalios after the Raptors defeated an Ork Warboss with concentrated close range bolter fire. The Thunderhawk's assault ramp opened in midair and the Raptor squad jumped out, jump packs screaming. Deimos saw the target and led his squad in a dive towards them. A large squad of Necrons were occupying a street and pinning down one of the warband's Havoc squads with heavy fire from their strange gauss weaponry. The Shredder and his Raptors landed on the buildings overlooking the street, aimed their bolters and opened fire. The Necrons were destroyed in seconds. The massed concentration of shredder fire decimated them, ripping through their metal shells with ease. Deimos opened a vox link to Enyalios. 'They're dead,' he voxed in his drab tone. The Shredder didn't have a gift with words like Enyalios. Probably why he wasn't one of the warbands lieutenants. 'Excellent,' came the reply. 'I have another issue for you to take care of, Shredder. Squad Agurzil is stuck in combat and multiple contacts are approaching their position.' Deimos saw the targets appear on his helm's display. 'I need them taken out immediately.' Deimos smiled again and launched into the air. Deimos Deimos 4 4 4 4 1 4 2 10 3+ Deimos {Fast Attack}.......... 50 points Jump Infantry (unique) 1 Deimos the Shredder Power armour Jump Pack Shredder Bolter Close Combat Weapon Frag and Krak Grenades The Shredder Shredder Storm One Raptor Squad may exchange their champion for Deimos for 50 points. Deimos' squad may not take any Icons apart from the Icon of Chaos Glory. Shredder Bolter: These modified boltguns were created for Deimos and his squad of Raptors by the Dark Mechanicum. They shoot shells filled with shrapnel and designed to explode before hitting the enemy. These modifications make them almost useless at longer ranges but mean they are easier to fire on the move. Shredder Bolter Shredder Bolter 12" 4 5 Assault 2 The Shredder: All Raptors in Deimos' squad exchange their bolt pistols for Shredder Bolters. Up to two Raptors can exchange their Shredder Bolters for a flamer, meltagun or plasma gun for the normal price. Shredder Storm: In the shooting phase, Deimos and his squad may choose to use Shredder Storm. If using Shredder Storm, Shredder Bolters may only shoot 6" but improve their strength and AP by 1 for every five Shredder Bolters shooting the same squad for that shooting phase. C&C appreciated. Tell me what you think of the fluff as well. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Furyou Miko Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Exchange the word "increase" for the word "improve" and you can get rid of the brackets in Shredder Storm's description. He looks pretty unique and quite interesting, though. You could probably get away with making him 2 wounds as a named character though. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3081445 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I like the fluff, but a few bits were off. For example, Must be the former then. was a little too late and I didn't understand at first that you meant Enyalios. Also, with the vox chattering shouldn't it have been obvious that he was directing the battle? specifically for the Shredder and his Raptor squad The raptor part here could be dropped. Normally it would be fine but 'raptor' and 'shredder' are put in way too many times. 'The champion', 'his loyal (or disloyal) veterans', etc would all help mix it up a bit. The Eldar were dead in seconds... 'They're dead.' This is kinda boring, sadly. Destroyed, ripped/flayed to peices might be good for the first one, removed might be good for the second one. Also, something I recently learned is how much adding tone descriptions helps my stuff, and I definitely think something about Deimos' tone after he reports to his master would be great :yes: Lastly, Eldar are not very tough. This is not exactly a great qualifier for how cool Shredder bolters are :P to take care of Shredder First, of should have a comma after it. Secondly, some rewording for description would be good here to, maybe something like "Your next target is here"? Perhaps throw in a time restraint of some sort. "I need it done before Y pins down squad X". Anything to improve the conflict and bring up the tension a bit ^_^ EDIT: ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3081485 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coryphaus 101 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Miko: Good idea with Shredder Storm. I'm not sure about making him 2 wounds though... Hmm... Thirst: Thanks tons for the feedback on the fluff. I've changed it so it makes more sense. Hopefully. I had the enemy as Eldar originally because I didn't want to do SM like everyone else and I'd already mentioned Orks. I think Necrons are a good example because they're reasonably tough so I've changed it to that. Thanks for the suggestions with changing wording. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3081763 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 The Shredder didn't have a gift with words like Enyalios <_< Everything seems to be good now :lol: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3081876 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev. Tiberius Jackhammer Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Like the premise of the unit, having their upgrade also lower the units' overall attacks ensures they're not just "Raptors+". Can Chaos Icons be added to his unit as normal? Might want to address that. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3082027 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coryphaus 101 Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Yes. They don't replace a weapon. The only reason I have the special weapons thing in there is because the codex states 'bolt pistol'. Although, it might be better taking it out. If they take an icon of Khorne they shoot at S6 AP3 before charging and then get 3 attacks each... :P Might remove icons. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/253904-deimos-the-shredder/#findComment-3082050 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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