Elias Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I think I'll write in time. I thought about story a lot and have some cool( I think they are epic ;)) ideas in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I just posted my first story, hope you guys enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I couldn't resist writing another story, so just take that as a continuation of the first part, pls comment if anybody is reading it, I would like to know how I wrote this time. Because I worked on it for about 7 hours and I believe it came out good, like I said commenting would be nice! Â All the stories as a reminder, are posted in the 'Mankinds War of Words thread" It is up and running! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aqui Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Just read the pieces in the other topic, and I quite like it -_- It's quite descriptive, something that I'm still getting to grips with in my own writing  Whilst not a criticism, more of a personal preference really, but whenever I write a characters dialogue, I find it easier to read if it's on a separate line. However, that's only my preference and not necessarily the right way to do it ;)  I'll be watching with interest ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 Just read the pieces in the other topic, and I quite like it -_- It's quite descriptive, something that I'm still getting to grips with in my own writing  Whilst not a criticism, more of a personal preference really, but whenever I write a characters dialogue, I find it easier to read if it's on a separate line. However, that's only my preference and not necessarily the right way to do it ;)  I'll be watching with interest ^_^   Thx, can't wait to see though what the Black Templar have to say after that little thought I had about taking victory for myself, and watching them get humiliated *evil grin*. But then again I bet they don't have the sacks to compete with my marines, nor could any other chaos enemy, or do they?  I'll be keeping an eye on your work too btw, I like your alot sofar and it seems I might take some ideas out of that someday. But that is all theory for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 It's not bad, the action pieces are quite good, but you repeat your words too often (in the paragraph about the Talarx system, there's the word "system" every ten words). Try finding alternative words as much as possible. It doesn't have to be a perfect synonym, but for a drop pod, you could use pod, metallic cone, etc... Â Good luck with the rest of this! Â Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I posted my paragraph. yeah, it's early for me, but as nuclear fridge posted I decided not to wait. In my paragraph I told what happened on forge world. I didn't write detailed scenes or battles because this is only introduction in story. hope you like it! Â what about other stories... I think they're awesome, can't wait to see what will happen in future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 It's not bad, the action pieces are quite good, but you repeat your words too often (in the paragraph about the Talarx system, there's the word "system" every ten words). Try finding alternative words as much as possible. It doesn't have to be a perfect synonym, but for a drop pod, you could use pod, metallic cone, etc... Good luck with the rest of this!  Ludovic  that's true I do need to use differen't words though ;). No worries that will be improved upon soon enough, until then I will edit my story a little so I can change that up, thx for comment Ludovic it was really helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 I posted my paragraph. yeah, it's early for me, but as nuclear fridge posted I decided not to wait. In my paragraph I told what happened on forge world. I didn't write detailed scenes or battles because this is only introduction in story. hope you like it! what about other stories... I think they're awesome, can't wait to see what will happen in future.  Yeah, the idea was good, but the grammar could use some more help. If you want I can proof read it before you post it, that way it makes it more pleasent to read for the onlookers, and I can help help fill the gaps if need be. Sorry if it's coming a little harsh but that was my personal comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I posted my paragraph. yeah, it's early for me, but as nuclear fridge posted I decided not to wait. In my paragraph I told what happened on forge world. I didn't write detailed scenes or battles because this is only introduction in story. hope you like it! what about other stories... I think they're awesome, can't wait to see what will happen in future.  Yeah, the idea was good, but the grammar could use some more help. If you want I can proof read it before you post it, that way it makes it more pleasent to read for the onlookers, and I can help help fill the gaps if need be. Sorry if it's coming a little harsh but that was my personal comment.  if you'll do that I'll be very thankful. grammar is really problem to me. well next time I'll post you in private. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 if you'll do that I'll be very thankful. grammar is really problem to me. well next time I'll post you in private. Â Â yeah sure I'll do it, just PM me and I'll fix for you and then i'll send it back and you can post! BTW for everyone else, my next part is up hope you like, it is the continuation at the Battle for the Palace. Enjoy! Comment would be nice again, Cheers mates! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 wow, reapers are pretty cool. fight with flying mutant is brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 wow, reapers are pretty cool. fight with flying mutant is brilliant. Â thx, I don't know how I came up with it though, if you think about it mutants don't really fly, and specially if their Khorne Mutants, but it doesn't matter I wanted to make it interesting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuclear Fridge Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Life in the Imperium is generally terrible - but mutants really get the worst of it! A miserable existence toiling in the mines and fields, or rebellion... and if the nasty people in power armour don't blast you to bits, the nasty people in power armour will sacrifice you to their abominable deities. Â There just is no way to win, is there? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Life in the Imperium is generally terrible - but mutants really get the worst of it! A miserable existence toiling in the mines and fields, or rebellion... and if the nasty people in power armour don't blast you to bits, the nasty people in power armour will sacrifice you to their abominable deities. There just is no way to win, is there? :huh:  Not for the mutants there isn't XD. Besides I would rather put them out of their misery then let them live longer. "Suffer not the mutant to live or the heretic!"  That would be my motto, next story will be in at least by tomorrow I promise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 I just posted my new work, hope you guys like it, put alot of work into it and hope that the next part will be equally as good. Cheers mates! Comment and Critism would be great even for onlookers out there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 posted new paragraph. hope you like it! C&C is welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 posted new paragraph. hope you like it! C&C is welcome. Â I like it, very interesting, I might send my Captain Aquillus to join you soon enough, if I am able to kill the Skull Champion :) . Until then you will have to hold out on your own, great job on the defences brother :) Â EDIT: Can't wait to see what Reimund does in the next story, seems good, maby he might meet some of my warriors maby not who knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuclear Fridge Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I'm trying (I hope) to convey the feeling that this is a big, scattered battle zone... Right now, I'm not totally sure about having the BT trio crash into the other 'teams'. At least, not without some heavy-duty bloodshed and mayhem, first! Â I'm trying to get across Reimund's 'focus on the problem' attitude. No wisecracks or small talk - assuming that Black Templars would indulge in idle chatter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 I'm trying (I hope) to convey the feeling that this is a big, scattered battle zone... Right now, I'm not totally sure about having the BT trio crash into the other 'teams'. At least, not without some heavy-duty bloodshed and mayhem, first! I'm trying to get across Reimund's 'focus on the problem' attitude. No wisecracks or small talk - assuming that Black Templars would indulge in idle chatter...  I like the way your going with this, it can make the battle seem more extreme and it is of course :) . I wonder who this enemy is, the World Eaters? The Black Legion? or is it alot more dangerous than any of us have anticipated :P .  Well next story coming up soon, this is the finally battle between Aquillus and the khorne Champion Restrus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 So the final battle has been posted hope you guys like, put a couple of days into this one, really do need to work on my own stories soon enough. Anybody wanna put any bets on what the power of death is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 my another part is up, tried to editing it myself, so not judge hard. hope you like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Onyxius Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 my another part is up, tried to editing it myself, so not judge hard. hope you like it! Â I'm sorry I can't promise that though, it was horrible, the idea was there, but I just couldn't see the battle in my minds eye. Might want to put more detail into battles and other situations that could help alot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I'm sorry I can't promise that though, it was horrible, the idea was there, but I just couldn't see the battle in my minds eye. Might want to put more detail into battles and other situations that could help alot! hmm, well next time I'll try to create more detailed battles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elias Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 well, next part of my story is ready, this time I tried to make it more detailed and atmospheric. also, I have bad news, tomorrow I'm going from city and nearly two weeks I'll not post parts of stories, so sorry. But I'll watch your stories and comment on thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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