Noctis specto

[Elias]

hello everyone! this is my first article in librarium. that's prologue to my story 'noctis specto'. This idea randomly appeared in my head, so I decided to share this with you. at least, I want to say that English isn't my native language and to write on English is hard to me, but it's the best way to teach. so I want to ask not judge me hard for my errors. C&C(especially critique) is welcome.

story is based on my DIY chapter Ghost Warriors (work on chapter is in progress).

 

Prologue

It was sunny day, as always. He was sitting on the chair watching his daughter playing with other children. He looked around and saw half-builded buildings and houses for workers. It was two months since they came to these worlds. On question why planet was so long time uninhabited answer simple ‘conditions are bad’ and that was right, on planet weren’t forests, seas, river, oceans, only sand. But they never answered questions about ruins three times founded by builders.

All these thoughts were gone when he heard his daughters voice ‘paap! come play ball with us’.

‘I’m going Annika’ he said and got up.

John, john. Someone said his name, he looked around and found nothing.

John, damn you! get up.

He felt someone’s hand on his shoulder, then city, children, his daughter were gone.

He opened eyes.

‘come on! They’re attacking again.’ Said French his old friend. He began to recognize where he was. It was PDF bastion in the southern part of the city. He got up, because he was sleeping in clothes John only took lasgun and run out with other soldiers. what he saw was terrifying, all around PDF soldiers were falling back in chaos.

‘what’s going on?’ asked French.

‘I don’t know, but I think it is bad’ answered sergeant Malek.

Sergeant stopped one of the running soldiers.

‘hey, soldier what is happening here? Why are you falling back?!’

‘they, they came for our souls!’ he cried, tears fell from his crystal blue eyes eyes.

‘who they? What are you talking about?’ roared Malek.

‘shadows, shadows are alive, darkness is hunting for our souls’ he cried and run away.

‘fall back! To the main fortress.’ said sergeant and his soldiers obeyed order. Frankly John was afraid, he knew that what that soldier said wasn’t lie at all.

 

In 3 minutes John and his group reached main-fortress gates. Sand was irrigated by blood. All around were heads, hands, legs and other organs cut from human bodies.

 

‘what to do now? What to do?’ yelled one of the soldiers. Malek’s answer lost in cry of man falling from fortress’ wall. He heavily dropped on the earth and finally stopped crying. All squad looked at the wall. They were shocked by the sight of giant warrior in purple armor. Walls were high, but John immediately recognized who was that giant, space marine. He heard roar when astartes fled to the skies on the wings of fire. They began running with all strength but it was too late. Giant landed in front of them and attacked. In seconds he butchered whole squad of the PDF. Last thing John saw was colossal claws in his stomach, and last thing he heard was growl of the hunter ‘feel the wrath of the emperor’.

[Elias]

waiting for critique which is necessary for me to write next paragraph.

[Lady_Canoness]

waiting for critique which is necessary for me to write next paragraph.

 

I'll be honest with you, mate. Brutally, brutally honest.

 

Number 1: proof-read. When I see spelling and gramatical errors that shouldn't be slipping the net it throws me right off what you are saying.

 

Number 2: re-read. Read it as if you weren't the person who wrote it - if you can't make heads or tales of it, then neither can your audience.

 

Number 3: read. Reading more is the best way to start writing better. Read books, novels, theories, everything! - the more you read, the more ways you learn to express yourself.

 

Number 4: It is a common mistake to think that action and dialogue are the only parts of a story that matter. Simple truth is that those are the least important parts. Theme, atmosphere, character development, mood, setting, etc... all these things are WAY more important than action and dialogue when it comes to writing a good piece.

 

Number 5: Practice. Yes, you have to practice writing - it is not something you can do at the drop of a hat. I've been writing 40k fiction to various degrees for about 8 years now - and, believe me, the majority of it SUCKED. Everything I am as a writer (and I don't claim to be much) came from practice.

 

Number 6: Write for yourself. The truth of the matter is that it takes an exceptional piece of writing to garner any attention at all, and even moreso to receive honest praise. If the basis for continuing your story rests solely on feedback and/or praise, then you've already lost and your story will go nowhere. Write because you want to.

 

Sorry if I come across as harsh, yet I make no apologies for it. You wanted critique; there it is.

[ChaptermasterDemon7]

Well, Lady_Canoness pegged everything I was going to say.

[Elias]

2Lady_Canoness.

well, at first thanks for comment and critique. then... trust me I'm reading a lot and trying to develop myself by writing, because in my native language I think I write good, but sadly in my country there are few warhammer 40000 fans.

there's no character development, atmosphere and so on, because that's only prologue. I need feedbacks to understand what I'm doing wrong and then fix that problems. In next paragraph I'll try to write much better.

and again thanks for critique, it's very important for me.