IA: The Penitent Sons

[Retributis]

Index Astartes:
The Penitent Sons

"Never forget. Never Forgive."

Origins:

http://imageshack.us/a/img442/2261/spacemarine3.jpg

Pict File: #RV019724 - The Penitent Sons

The origins of The Penitent Sons are shrouded in mystery. Many believe that their current designation is not their first but if this is the case then all trace or record of their previous existence is lost to us. References to their existence only begin to appear in Imperial Records after M37, giving rise to a popular series of rumours that they are from the Cursed Founding, though we at the Administratum are loath to countenance anything less than fact, the prevalence of these whispered claims are such that they must be accounted.

When the Chapter came to their attention the Inquisition launched a full scale investigation into their faith and allegiance. They  were perturbed when, at first, their requests for a meeting went un-answered.

Approaching the Chapter Fleet, which was traced down after many weeks of work by thousands of operatives across the Segmentum, they came with caution on their minds and fear in their hearts. Once again attempted communications with the Flagship and were surprised to receive an answer, though it came in the form of a frail, elderly human voice rather than the expected deep bass growl of an Astartes warrior.

Following this initial contact and careful meetings and talks, the Inquisition were allowed to begin their investigation. All present breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The Inquisition came to the conclusion that The Penitent Sons were loyal and pure sons of The God-Emperor descending from the Primarch Dorn. Their testing however did uncover an odd and strange quirk of their geneseed which would explain their lack of communication since their first attempted meetings.

Upon implantation, the recruits are overwhelmed by the grief and misery that Dorn experienced upon conclusion of the Heresy and they are placed into a sleeping state for 14 days. Each recruits experiences during this time are unique. Some speak of harrowing images of Sanguinius and the Emperor lying prone upon the deck of Horus's Flagship, some tell of the awe of hearing from the Emperor the words upon his return to Terra as he was entombed in the Golden Throne, though the power of these words is too awesome for the marines to recollect the content, and still others speak of the mighty war of the Iron Cage and the frustration of being pulled back by the XIII legion.

This has led to small but noticeable changes to their chapter make up, their Chapter Cult asking nothing but absolute penance until they are forgiven by the Emperor of Mankind himself.
 

History:

Since their entrance into the records of the Imperium, The Penitent Sons have gained a host of accolades and left a trail of destruction wherever they have been deployed. They have over the many centuries been deployed against a wide range of the Imperium’s enemies, ranging from the Arch Traitors of the Chaos Legions to the many and varied xenos species that roam the galaxy. However it is against the lithe and unnatural Eldar race that they hold the greatest depths of hatred for.

Over the course of their existence they have crossed paths with a force, united in colour and focus but as yet unknown by the Imperium, that seems intent on harassing The Sons at every turn. Their attempts wax and wane with no seeming pattern. In 357.M38 alone they were attacked on 3 different occasion, but it was then a century before another attack came. They attack without regard for their own welfare, suicidal in their attempts to create carnage and discordance within the ranks of the Adeptus Astartes but each time rebuffed by the silent warriors. Indeed such is the curiousity around the intense and venomous attacks made by this mysterious faction that Imperial Scholars for several millennia have dedicated their lives to investigating this fascination which the xenos have with this particular chapter, however it has been without success. On one thing they are agreed… Whatever force or reason that drives these vile aliens it must be a tremendous one, for the Eldar are not known for throwing their few remaining lives away without cause.

The Penitent Sons’ history of warfare is also beset with altercations, both minor and more substantial, with other forces of the Imperium. Their silent and aloof exterior is known to rub Imperial Commanders of all strips up the wrong way and their refusal to speak personally, either relying on psykers or feeble serfs, is taken by some of the more belligerent commanders as an insult. Some have even made moves to expel the serfs from their Strategiums, only to face the full physical wrath of an angered Penitent Sons officer for their troubles. Those that survive have made sure to show the proxies of these immense warriors due deference.

Even the rank and file soldiers of the Imperial Guard are not as welcoming of the Sons’ presence as they would be of other Adeptus Astartes forces. Far from the rowsing and triumphant welcomes given to forces of more resplendent chapters such as the Iron Snakes or Genesis Chapter, The Sons are greeted with whispers and shady looks. Their quiet and uncommunicative nature leading to resentment building in their allied forces.

 

 

Beliefs:

 

As noted above, The Penitent Sons are extremely insular. They believe that they must atone for the failure of the Adeptus Astartes to protect the Emperor and that one day he will rise from the Golden Throne, reborn, and judge them worthy for their efforts. This has led to two things; the first is history of recording every kill, action, battle, war and crusade that the chapter has undertaken or assisted with. The task is performed by the Recordists, who act much as chaplains would in any other chapter;

 

Speech to the Initiated

“We have each been given a gift, my brothers. How many of our brethren can claim to have heard the voice of their Father? or of their Primarch? But we have also been given a curse. We have been shown how we Astartes failed them both so terribly and for that we must atone. We must bear our shame alone until such a time as we are granted forgiveness by Him for our transgressions. Silent, Repentant, Vengeful.”
- High Recordist Halen addressing scout recruits (via Sonerys - Speaker the second)

 

The second result is that the entire chapter has taken on a seeming vow of silence. Once a scout has been deemed worthy of full battle plate, it will be the last time that they will hear their own voice speak their words. It is thought by some that this is because the marines feel unworthy of talking to those unafflicted by their burden, whilst others speculate that is to show that their sins are theirs to carry alone. The real reason is unclear.

All battle brothers have their organic vocal chords replaced with artificial device. These simple yet effective vox units are activated only on the eve of battle by the force commander. The units allow effective battlefield communication but betray no sound to the outside world and are de-activated as soon as the mission is complete. This system allows the chapter to operate as a functional army whilst not betraying their vows.

In order to facilitate discourse with other chapters and armies of the Imperium, Officers of the chapter have a linked serf through which they speak, their mouths moving in frail monotone, unable to relay the passion or intensity of a space marine commander. This has led other forces to see them as aloof or distant, not realising the true reasons behind the act. However their brothers under Dorn have seen past this and, despite an otherwise tense relationship with many parts of the Imperium, The Penitent Sons are still treated as stalwart allies and respected warriors by their gene-brothers.
 

Home world:

The Penitent Sons were gifted the planet designated as Megil after fighting a decade long campaign in the surrounding system to push back xenos invaders and secure vital imperial supply chains.

Megil is land of foreboding crags, treacherous ice and ferocious winds, located in the far spiral arm of the Segmentum Obscurus. It's primary function before the 'arrival' of the Sons, and continuing since, is as a mining and refinery planet, with several pre-, combined with newer facilities to create several distinct cities.

At the pole lies the great Chapter Keep of The Penitent Sons. A tall and imposing obelisk of black and steel it lacks the adornments and outward of many other Chapter Keeps. The Keep is well armoured and armed like any would expect an Adeptus Astartes Chapter Keep to be but it is also said to house in it’s lower levels a massive library. Attended by thousands of servitors and chapter serfs, it keeps record of almost every action the chapter has ever committed. Even, some say, down to individual battle brother kills.

The planet is subject to severe atmospheric disturbances known locally as Megil's breath. This innocuous name belies its lethal nature, where winds of up to several hundred miles an hour race through the narrow valleys and crags of the planet, carrying with it harpoon-like shafts of ice.

Pulled from the atmosphere these shards can reduce a human to a cloud of vapour in seconds and have been known to puncture astartes armour on rare occasions. The local population both revere and fear this occurrence seeing it is as a chastisement from the Holy Emperor Himself, a punishment from above that pushes them to ever greater shows of piousness. This has been officially sanctioned as an allowable method of Worship by the Ecclesiarchy.

This natural hazard was evidently a factor in the placement of the refineries, built as they were into the sides of the peaks and protected by void shields, powerful enough to protect the citizens from a violent end but not capable of preventing a full bombardment from orbit.

As well as the natural and unnatural protection, the refinery cities are joined by vast tunnels through which most traffic passes. The cities and the tunnels do, due to the nature of their work, generate immense clouds of smog and filth and it is unusual to see a member of the civilian population outside of their habs without rebreathers and eye protection. Indeed it is not unusual for rains of thick, sticky chemicals to fall inside the tunnel from the gathered black clouds of the chemical output.

 

 

Gene-Seed

The Gene-Seed of The Penitent Sons, whilst distorted slightly beyond it's original purity, has been verified by the Adeptus Mechanicus as being Dorn's.
 

Combat Doctrine

Organisation:

 

The Act of Record

"Brothers. From this day, we record every action we do in His name. Every Oath of Moment, every heretic slain, every world reclaimed. We do this in the hope that one day we may present these litanies to the Emperor on his awakening and he will forgive us and assuage us of our guilt."
- Chapter Master Cyren during the Act of Record (Via Palto - Speaker the First)

 

The Penitent Sons are Codex Adherant, though some elements of deviancy can be seen in their nomenclature for certain rankings or positions. Due to the nature of their unique vows, it has led to something of a change of role for their Librarians and Chaplains.

Their Librarians are held in the highest esteem, their inner voices viewed as a gift from Emperor and they are viewed as exemplars. They suffer the very worst of the visions gifted to the initiates of the chapter. They see and experiences sights which even I cannot bring myself to put into type. This turns them into the most zealous of warriors, roaring ferocious warcries and oaths to The Emperor and the Imperium via their inner voices that touch and ignite the very souls of the marines around them.

Many take to wearing pain gloves, a form of penance they believe brings them closer to the Primarch, and some even sew their physical mouths shut, relying entirely on their psyker abilities.

The Chaplains, on the other hand, have lapsed into a more sedate role. As the Librarians have become the firebrands of the chapter they have moved into ensuring the duties of penance of each marine are kept up to date. Theirs is the handwriting carefully carved adorning each marines’ armour and carefully inked into the books of the Chapter record. They march the lines ensuring the Vows of Silence are adhered to and that each marine is undertaking the prescribed hours of prayer each day (battle permitting).

[Retributis]

Quite obviously this is a stream of conscious first draft, so please be critical. The core of the chapter, the visions of Dorn and the silence/speaking through proxies, are things that are here to stay but I'm more than open-minded about it and hoping for some help in shaping this into a decent final product :)

 

Also I'm aware that it is a bit odd in what perspective it's written from. I'm struggling with the whole "written from an imperial historian's perspective" when the chapter as a whole is pretty uncommunicative and so a lot of the inner workings and background would either be unknown or lost to time, any ideas on how to reconcile this?

[Retributis]

No comments? :D

[Bloodstone]

If the role of record keeping has fallen onto these Recordist Chaplains, which is a primary duty of Librarians during relative peace, what would be the impact?

 

Would that mean Librarians now take a more active role in combat while Chaplains are too precious to send into battle?

 

If a Penitent Son takes a vow of silence upon his right to become a Battle Brother, how did those before him impart the skills necessary for him to learn the Chapter's sign language that would in turn allow him to learn the ways of war?

 

Would like to see a more fluffed out history, combat doctrine and interactions that could bring life to the article.

[Retributis]

Hmm.. Good points.

 

Would it be outside the realms of possibility to have the sign language imparted during the psych-indoctrination phase of implantation/training?

 

I'll work on the areas you suggest, thank you!

 

EDIT: Is there anything people feel is too implausible about the Eldar attack and the cause of their visisons?

[Bloodstone]

Hmm.. Good points.

 

Would it be outside the realms of possibility to have the sign language imparted during the psych-indoctrination phase of implantation/training?

 

I'll work on the areas you suggest, thank you!

 

EDIT: Is there anything people feel is too implausible about the Eldar attack and the cause of their visisons?

 

Thats the problem. Indoctrination still requires the recipient to understand the message in order for it to be put through. While this is Science Fiction, imagine yourself going to a psychiatrist to be hypnotized into believing you are a super soldier, but if he doesn't speak at all or speaks in a language you have never learned, its inevitable nothing will change.

 

However, in my personal opinion i feel a possible solution for you is either partial lobotomy and bionic reprogramming of the brain if your chapter is so inclined, or the Librarians play a role by psychically contacting them, but i don't know if that goes against your values of absolute silence.

 

Or in a more direct and horribly inefficient way of teaching is using those serfs as intermediaries. However, this just adds a whole new level of complexity and lengthens the time it takes to train a new battle brother, as he must learn the language from the serf before starting any combat training, whereas most other Chapters would train their initiates and teach them combat hand signals along the way.

 

Another thing about the Eldar would most likely not risk open battle or invasion of an Astartes homeworld without good reason. They are rare, few and far between and believe a loss of a single Eldar is worse than the loss of a thousand human lives, even Astartes lives. Conflict on an Astartes homeworld would inevitably cause the deaths of hundreds of Eldar if not more. So you might have to rethink a very good reason why they would commit that many forces on such a young chapter.

 

If anything, it is more plausible for Eldar to choose to manipulate other species or factions to attack the Penitent Sons, with the Orks being a suitable candidate.

[Retributis]

Well I was thinking of writing in something about the Sons creation leading to the destruction of a craftworld (or something equally disasterous from the Eldar POV) somehow, and this leads to the same Eldar cropping up throughout their history in various ways, either directly or clandestinely. It was written more as a reaction to other IAs I've read where various chapters seem to be Eldar friendly or allies at various points.

 

I was thinking of having librarians as either regarded highly due to them being seen as an extension of the Emperor's will somehow, which could then be why they are allowed to implant the language into the recruits? I was thinking either that or going the opposite way and having a single marine be a pariah (a contentious issue I know) and have them viewed as the personification of their ideals of silence and thus holding some special rank.

 

Given the issues around Pariah marines and their lack of fluff support (and the fact it gives me an easy out for the teaching issue) I may sway towards the Librarians, as this also ties in with, as you said, them exchanging roles with the chaplains. It would allow them to bolster the normal marines with litanies and warcries without going against their spoken word edict as well maybe?

[Bloodstone]

Well, if a Craftworld was destroyed, i doubt its survivors would be able to muster the strength to take on an entire Chapter of Space Marines on their homeworld and cause the damage you have portrayed initially. I do think however that it the idea isn't totally out of the window though.

 

The Librarian thingy is a pretty good idea. Scourging and reprogramming memories is common practice. While Recordist Chaplains take over knowledge documentation from the Librarium, the Librarians could be the new enforcers of purity of spirit in the chapter using mind wipes for unclean thoughts?

 

You might want to read up on the Sisters of Silence a bit on how they communicated after the Vow of Tranquility.

[Retributis]

Will do, thanks!

 

and I meant that the Eldar foresaw that they would destroy a craftworld in the future, and so it was a pre-emptive strike.

[Bloodstone]

Ah, that might be a good explanation, just fluff it out a bit more so its less confusing.

[Retributis]

I just wasn't sure how much to put from their pov, or how much of the chapter's inner workings to keep mysterious. I'm not really sure how much the writer of the IA should know?

[Octavulg]

I'd lose the whole "Scions of the Storm" bit. Just mention that the Penitent Sons is not the first name of the chapter. Works just as well, and doesn't suggest you're going to explain anything about the Scions at length.

 

Though considering what you later say about their beliefs, I wouldn't bother with the rename at all.

 

This has led to two things; the first is history of recording every kill, action, battle, war and crusade that the chapter has undertaken or assisted with. The task is performed by the Recordists, who act much as chaplains would in any other chapter;

 

You know that's what Librarians are for, right?

 

To communicate with each other it is believed that their techmarines have found a way of translating the hand signals so often used by other chapters during moments of stealth into a series of tones and notes, allowing communication over radios. It is said that this system is so sensitive and tuned that even the tiniest pulses of electrical nerve energy to the required muscles is needed to activate it, meaning that during battle the marines barely need to move to activate it.

 

That, or just let them talk during battle, or for X minutes per day, or if they hold certain offices. This is a complicated way to solve a simple problem.

 

In order to facilitate discourse with other chapters and armies of the Imperium, Officers of the chapter above the rank of Sergeant have a psi-linked serf through which they speak, their mouths moving in frail monotone, unable to relay the passion or intensity of a space marine commander. This has led other forces to see them as aloof or distant, not realising the true reasons behind the act. However their brothers under Dorn have seen past this and, despite an otherwise tense relationship with many parts of the Imperium, The Penitent Sons are still treated as stalwart allies and respected warriors by their gene-brothers.

 

Why not have the Librarians be designated Speakers? Easier than hauling around a flimsy little human. And Librarians tend to be more reliable, anyway.

 

The battle brothers that had survived appeared unchanged but a more unsettling transformation had occurred to the gene seed even as it lay dormant within the vault. It was not to be until the new wave of initiates was selected and implanted that the changes wrought upon the chapter became evident. Through some means, the gene seed had unlocked the memories of Dorn, trapped within as they were by dint of his genetic legacy.

 

Now, upon implantation, the recruits are overwhelmed by the grief and misery that Dorn experienced upon conclusion of the Heresy and they are placed into a sleeping state for 14 days. Each recruits experiences during this time are unique. Some speak of harrowing images of Sanguinius and the Emperor lying prone upon the deck of Horus's Flagship, some tell of the awe of hearing from the Emperor the words upon his return to Terra as he was entombed in the Golden Throne, though naturally the power and magnitude of his words drown out any ability for the Astartes in question to remember the experience, and still others speak of the mighty war of the Iron Cage and the frustration of being pulled back by the XIII legion.

 

I think this'd work well as a Cursed Founding Curse, actually. It's neat. It would also avoid the problem of the Chapter using geneseed that had been corrupted by aliens!

 

That, or find a way to make it more subtle. I mean, dude. The aliens wrecked their geneseed. That's Not Cool. The Inquisition would ask questions.

 

* * *

 

Interesting. I'd recommend losing the name change and focusing on the penitence/regret angle. Any ideas for where you want to go from here?

 

And from the Octaguide:

 

"An Index Astartes is described in the Vocabularia Octavulgia (i.e. my head) as a third-person article written from a semi-omniscient in-universe perspective about a Space Marine chapter, with the chief goal as the exploration of the Chapter's character and history, and which follows the IA format produced by Games Workshop in their series of articles in third edition. Now, what, exactly, does that mean? And why do we write them, anyway?

 

A third-person article is an article written about "them" (a first-person would be written about "I" and a second-person one about "you"). All GW IAs follow this format, much like real-world history books. Why? Because they're frequently in-universe histories, describing the story of their Chapter.

 

A semi-omniscient in-universe perspective means that it's written as though the writer lives in the 40K universe, but often with information that such a person would not have access to. IAs are frequently written as though they are being compiled by Imperial historians, but this is applied with varying degrees of thoroughness, and the IA will sometimes reveal secrets no historian could be aware of (like the existence of the Fallen in IA: Dark Angels). Still, if you pretend to be a pedantic Imperial historian while writing your IA, you're unlikely to go far wrong."

[Retributis]

Hi Octa, thanks for the feedback!

 

1) I didn't actually! That piece of lore must have gone over my head for the last 13 years! ;) I guess maybe given the more important roles as communicators and leaders in battle then the chaplains have stepped into this role instead? The 'Act of Record' makes this rememberance more of a spiritual/repental(?) thing so it falls more under their remit in that respect.

 

2) Hmm.. I know what you mean, but I feel that compromising the talking thing even if its set/limited in some way sort of makes a mockery of having it in the first place. That section was written very much as I thought of it hence it's a bit of a mess. It's something that I need to have a think about.

 

3) Librarians could work as speakers, but I wanted to keep them as rare and therefore so revered as exemplars. I liked the idea of the Chapter Serfs being there simply for basic communications at war meetings etc and then left behind when the real work starts. I can see Librarians used at high level meetings (eg with other chapter masters etc) but they arent prevelant enough to be everywhere.

 

4) They were originally conceived as a cursed founding chapter, but then around the time of the first draft there seemed to be a big raft of cursed founding chapters that appeared in the Liber. The whole scions of the storm dealy was just me trying to work out how a chapter like this would come to be. I just had issues with a chapter being created and then suddenly having these beliefs... I understand your issues with the Eldar warping their geneseed though. Maybe if it was a corruption/mutation over time combined with some sort of loss/attack?

 

I'm going to look at writing a bit more history and writing some bits up about how their repentant attitude and silence affects their relationship with others, that might help fill them out a bit, and I'll look at editing out the scions of the storm stuff and make their beginnings a bit more vague.

[Octavulg]

1) I didn't actually! That piece of lore must have gone over my head for the last 13 years! sad.gif I guess maybe given the more important roles as communicators and leaders in battle then the chaplains have stepped into this role instead? The 'Act of Record' makes this rememberance more of a spiritual/repental(?) thing so it falls more under their remit in that respect.

 

I dunno. Psychic guys writing down everything a silent chapter does feels kind of excitingly judgmental and gothic. They could pry out the inner weakness and sense of failure! Excitement! Tragedy! Depression!

 

2) Hmm.. I know what you mean, but I feel that compromising the talking thing even if its set/limited in some way sort of makes a mockery of having it in the first place. That section was written very much as I thought of it hence it's a bit of a mess. It's something that I need to have a think about.

 

...And having them communicate through other means isn't compromising it?

 

The question, I think, is what motivates them to remain silent? Why do they take this vow?

 

If it's as punishment to themselves, they should talk during combat, but only about combaty things. Their punishment is less important than destroying the enemies of the Emperor.

 

3) Librarians could work as speakers, but I wanted to keep them as rare and therefore so revered as exemplars. I liked the idea of the Chapter Serfs being there simply for basic communications at war meetings etc and then left behind when the real work starts. I can see Librarians used at high level meetings (eg with other chapter masters etc) but they arent prevelant enough to be everywhere.

 

The thing is, trying to run a battle without talking to each other seems...unlikely to work well. Librarians could be quite rare and still be available for companies.

 

4) They were originally conceived as a cursed founding chapter, but then around the time of the first draft there seemed to be a big raft of cursed founding chapters that appeared in the Liber. The whole scions of the storm dealy was just me trying to work out how a chapter like this would come to be. I just had issues with a chapter being created and then suddenly having these beliefs... I understand your issues with the Eldar warping their geneseed though. Maybe if it was a corruption/mutation over time combined with some sort of loss/attack?

 

The Cursed Founding was the largest since the Second. Plenty of chapters would derive from it. No reason to worry about it. And being Cursed Founding gives you a perfect transition into their beliefs - their genetic flaws mean they see themselves (and thus all Astartes) as weak. Penitence follows naturally.

[Retributis]

Had a reply all written out then my net crashed >_< See if I can remember it whilst at work.

 

I agree with what you're saying and I'm glad someone is there to point out the flaws. I think maybe limiting their vocab during battle but only to inter-squad vox or something may be a compromise I can live with for practicality.

 

However, I like the imagery of these frail humans monotonely reciting words that, through body language etc, you could tell were being spoken with passion and conviction. I'm a great fan of juxtaposition and it's something that feels very 40k to me? But I'm open to altering this idea to make it feel more 'realistic'.

 

Likewise with the librarians/chaplains thing, I like the idea of the roles swapping due to the vow of silence. The fact that the librarians are the only ones able to communicate with the chapter at large freely and openly would mean they are the perfect instruments for the kind of battle kindling rhetoric that normal chaplains are known for, and they can also function as ambassadors to other chapters. The chaplains, being 'neutered' in this way move more into the role of monitoring the repentance of each marine, inscribing their armour with their deeds and keeping the records so they can be presented to the Emperor on his return. They are more inward looking and focus a lot more on maintaining and enforcing the penance.

 

I think this reliance on psykers as their chapters firebrands could be a good source of contention with other chapters, especially with their brothers of the Black Templars, and the silence and aloof presentation this gives the opportunity for strained relations with normal humans.

 

Though I was going to present them as having a fairly good relationship with the other sons of Dorn as their mutual ancestorship gives them a unique sense of brotherhood, even if they are treated as the "weird child".

[Octavulg]

However, I like the imagery of these frail humans monotonely reciting words that, through body language etc, you could tell were being spoken with passion and conviction. I'm a great fan of juxtaposition and it's something that feels very 40k to me? But I'm open to altering this idea to make it feel more 'realistic'.

 

Is there psy-linking in 40K outside psychic powers? Because one option would be to have captains have psy-linking, and the Librarians deal with stuff that that can't deal with (larger scale battle issues, etc).

 

I agree, it's a good image, but there is the issue of whether that sort of thing even happens in 40K without psykers.

 

Likewise with the librarians/chaplains thing, I like the idea of the roles swapping due to the vow of silence. The fact that the librarians are the only ones able to communicate with the chapter at large freely and openly would mean they are the perfect instruments for the kind of battle kindling rhetoric that normal chaplains are known for, and they can also function as ambassadors to other chapters. The chaplains, being 'neutered' in this way move more into the role of monitoring the repentance of each marine, inscribing their armour with their deeds and keeping the records so they can be presented to the Emperor on his return. They are more inward looking and focus a lot more on maintaining and enforcing the penance.

 

I think this reliance on psykers as their chapters firebrands could be a good source of contention with other chapters, especially with their brothers of the Black Templars, and the silence and aloof presentation this gives the opportunity for strained relations with normal humans.

 

Nice. Very nice. Though I wouldn't worry too much about its effects on other chapters. Let people extrapolate those.

 

Though I was going to present them as having a fairly good relationship with the other sons of Dorn as their mutual ancestorship gives them a unique sense of brotherhood, even if they are treated as the "weird child".

 

Extremists tend to be either pariahs or impressive. Usually both to different people.

[Retributis]

Updates!

 

Have made changes to the Origins, Organisation and Beliefs sections. Working on something for the History section but need to get my head around the dates!

 

C & C welcome as always :D

[Retributis]

BUMP!

 

So I've written the history section but unfortunately it is at home, hopefully will upload it tonight!

 

I'm also thinking about changing the name... I was looking through the list of Loyalist Chapters the other day and found The Angels Repentant. Whilst it follows the pattern of DA Successors could I appropriate it for a Dornian successor? Or should I stick with what I have? Or change it to something else entirely?

 

Thoughts?

[Retributis]

Added the History section.

[Retributis]

No comments? :blink:

[Octavulg]

No comments? :blink:

 

:crying:

 

I'm here now!

 

When the Chapter came to their attention by unknown means the Inquisition resolved to launch a full scale investigation into their faith and allegiance and were perturbed when, at first, their requests for a meeting went un-answered.

 

You're writing excessively long sentences. Excessive because you're putting in more words without putting in more information.

 

"When the Chapter first came to the attention of the Inquisition, a full-scale investigation was prepared. The Inquisitors were pertubed when their initial request for a meeting went unanswered."

 

That's 25% shorter. Doing that throughout will probably improve what you've got. :)

 

Beliefs:

 

I'd move this up to earlier in the IA. The information is important.

 

To communicate with each other it is believed that their techmarines have found a way of translating the hand signals so often used by other chapters during moments of stealth into a series of tones and notes, allowing communication over radios. It is said that this system is so sensitive and tuned that even the tiniest pulses of electrical nerve energy to the required muscles is needed to activate it, meaning that during battle the marines barely need to move to activate it.

 

I still say something psychic would be easier (those Librarians, for example). That, or just actually using hand signals. Or, hell, using Morse code. Or just talking only for the purposes of combat. Or almost ANYTHING. Plus, doesn't this violate the spirit of the whole not talking thing?

 

In order to facilitate discourse with other chapters and armies of the Imperium, Officers of the chapter have a linked serf through which they speak, their mouths moving in frail monotone, unable to relay the passion or intensity of a space marine commander. This has led other forces to see them as aloof or distant, not realising the true reasons behind the act. However their brothers under Dorn have seen past this and, despite an otherwise tense relationship with many parts of the Imperium, The Penitent Sons are still treated as stalwart allies and respected warriors by their gene-brothers.

 

This is neat.

 

* * *

 

Pretty good. You need to polish your writing some. But it's neat, and I like it. :)

[Retributis]

 

No comments? :blink:

:crying:I'm here now!

When the Chapter came to their attention by unknown means the Inquisition resolved to launch a full scale investigation into their faith and allegiance and were perturbed when, at first, their requests for a meeting went un-answered.

You're writing excessively long sentences. Excessive because you're putting in more words without putting in more information. "When the Chapter first came to the attention of the Inquisition, a full-scale investigation was prepared. The Inquisitors were pertubed when their initial request for a meeting went unanswered." That's 25% shorter. Doing that throughout will probably improve what you've got. :)

Beliefs:

I'd move this up to earlier in the IA. The information is important.

To communicate with each other it is believed that their techmarines have found a way of translating the hand signals so often used by other chapters during moments of stealth into a series of tones and notes, allowing communication over radios. It is said that this system is so sensitive and tuned that even the tiniest pulses of electrical nerve energy to the required muscles is needed to activate it, meaning that during battle the marines barely need to move to activate it.

I still say something psychic would be easier (those Librarians, for example). That, or just actually using hand signals. Or, hell, using Morse code. Or just talking only for the purposes of combat. Or almost ANYTHING. Plus, doesn't this violate the spirit of the whole not talking thing?

In order to facilitate discourse with other chapters and armies of the Imperium, Officers of the chapter have a linked serf through which they speak, their mouths moving in frail monotone, unable to relay the passion or intensity of a space marine commander. This has led other forces to see them as aloof or distant, not realising the true reasons behind the act. However their brothers under Dorn have seen past this and, despite an otherwise tense relationship with many parts of the Imperium, The Penitent Sons are still treated as stalwart allies and respected warriors by their gene-brothers.

This is neat. * * *Pretty good. You need to polish your writing some. But it's neat, and I like it. :)

Well, you take your time don't you :P Thanks for taking the time to look at it again! I've done some work with it in word format but ill take your comments on board and hopefully have something for you to look over soon :)

[Octavulg]

I look forward to it.

[Retributis]

Right! Finally got round to making some changes! Most importantly in the Beliefs section but also some other minor rewordings :)

[Octavulg]

"Never forget. Never Forgive."

Ah. A Celtic chapter.

The origins of The Penitent Sons are shrouded in mystery. Many believe that their current designation is not their first but if this is the case then all trace or record of their previous existence is lost to us. References to their existence only begin to appear in Imperial Records after M37, giving rise to a popular series of rumours that they are from the Cursed Founding, though we at the Administratum are loath to countenance anything less than fact, the prevalence of these whispered claims are such that they must be accounted.

I must say, this remains odd. The Inqusition and Administratum know almost nothing about most chapters. This is the usual state of affairs. Why investigate this bunch? Something should prompt it.

ALso, I'd put "Beliefs" right after the Origins section. You need to introduce that stuff early. I think you could turn "History" into Combat Doctrine right now.

* * *

I really like this. Like, I really, really like this. It's short, but you've packed a fair bit of character in. It might be worth elaborating on the gene-seed a little (mention something about recruitment practices or particular flaws in organs or what have you). The weak spot right now is the writing (it's not unreadable, it's just got some flaws), which I can go over with a fine-toothed comb if you want me to.

Also, I'd recommend including a battle-cry section. Obviously, the chapter doesn't have one as such - so what do they do instead? I think it'd be a good way to close the IA.