IA : The Hollow Eyes Renegade Chapter

[Bloodstone]

THE HOLLOW EYES

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CHAPTER NAME: ..............THE HOLLOW EYES FOUNDING: ..................25TH [M.40] CHAPTER WORLD: .............PRE SCHISM : FLEET BASED // POST SCHISM : SHIN KIBOU FORTRESS MONASTERY: ........PRE SCHISM : BATTLE BARGE OCULA // POST SCHISM : ISHIKAWA CASTLE GENE-SEED (PREDECESSOR): ...IRON HANDS KNOWN DESCENDANTS: ........NONE "Watch us slaughter, Foul Beasts, and despair!"

This article will focus on the Renegade faction of the Chapter as the only independent remaining force. The Traitors formed the Ronin but were eventually absorbed into various other Chaos Warbands, and the Loyalists are too few in number to continue their duties, receiving shelter and subordinate to another unknown Iron Hands successor.

T

he Hollow Eyes Chapter has a turbulent history. Once proud defenders of the Imperium's Far East, they are now but a shadow of their former selves, depending on mercenary work, ingenuity and guerilla warfare to stay alive. The first of these ill-fated brothers were commissioned in M.40 to guard the eastern borders of the Imperium against Orks and prevent Chaotic machinations on fringe worlds. They were to be of Iron Hands stock, hardy, and ever self improving. The first ideal candidates for these new Angels of Death were to be drawn from murderers, mercenaries and sappers on the planet of Kadena, vicious but technically talented criminals all.

Years pass and these criminals were heated, beaten and shaped into Space Marines whether they lived or not under the guidance of Veteran Sergeants Talos and Haephon of Sorrgol Clan, as well as Iron Fathers Pryus, Duritan and Kaarsk. During this period, Brother Kinji would show the most promise in leadership and cunning. After Kinji was installed as Chapter Master, he ordered that all brothers were to give their left eye as proof of their resolve and in return, the Iron Fathers bestowed upon them eyes of bionics that let them see far into the heart of evil.

200 strong, the newly christened Hollow Eyes Chapter were to be shipped out to the east aboard the battle barge Ocula and strike cruiser Cortos along with a thousand serfs and servitors all gifted to them by the Adeptus Mechanicus at behest of their Iron Hands mentors (whom would return to their own duties on Medusa). For half a millennium, the Hollow Eyes would grow and prosper on the fringes, recruiting from the pockets Industrial worlds rife with engineering adepts and cunning cutthroats. And despite the infrequent if not extremely rare resupplies from Forge Worlds due to their location, the Chapter has managed to sustain ample stocks supplies and equipment from cunning trade deals and a skilled application of engineering and technical maintenance bestowed to the founding 200 by their Iron Father mentors and propagated to every new recruit. Pirates, Orks and various Xenos raiding parties gave the Chapter ample opportunity to prove their might in the region as they fell foe after foe after foe in battles of cunning and outmaneuvering, the defeated added to their ever increasing stock of slaves and experimental subjects to aid the Chapter serfs in their duties.

History

In 892.M41, in response to broken transmissions for immediate aid against a Chaos invasion on the planet of Undis, Captain Itaka was authorized to take his 3rd Company aboard the frigate Screaming Fury to investigate. When they arrived, preliminary scans showed no life on the surface. Itaka led a scouting party of 20 brothers to the surface. Not much is known of what transpired below as when the men returned aboard the Screaming Fury, none would speak of it and the mission was swept under the carpet. It would not help that as time went on, these 21 men would grow ever increasingly detached and only ever interact amongst themselves.

At the peak of the Chapter in 999.M41, the Hollow Eyes would reach 636 men strong amongst 6 companies. At the beginning of Abaddon's 13th Black Crusade, the Hollow Eyes did not wish to leave their sector of space totally undefended despite the call to arms. Current Chapter Master Muguro Keiji led his First Company and Captain Choji's Fifth Company to support Imperial forces at Cadia, leaving the next most senior Captain Itaka in command of the remaining bulk of the Chapter. As word of the invasion of Medusa reached the ears of the Hollow Eyes, many respected veteran brothers from the heydays of the Chapter urged Captain Itaka to take action in supporting the Iron Hands in the defense of their homeworld.

Itaka was quick to agree despite the protests of the younger Captain Tsukai, Oguro and Nikagawa of the 2nd, 4th and 6th companies, that they should remain at their posts by order of the Chapter Master. The entire fleet was prepared and would make the ill-fated warp jump to Medusa. However, Captain Itaka had already fallen under the influence of Chaos, as did the 20 brothers over a hundred years ago, and this would be his chance to claim the favor of the Chaos Gods if he managed to turn an entire Chapter. Itaka ordered the replacement of the crew on the engineering deck of every ship with his fallen brothers and servitors, who systematically proceeded to sabotage their Gellar Field devices.

When the fleet made the jump, they were immediately besieged by warp entities that attempted to possess the bodies of the marines. Every single brother in the fleet would be enslaved, save for two, who miraculously were unaffected. Sergeant Isshu and Brother Takeru were puzzled by the lack of attempt by warp daemons to possess them. Isshu, aboard the Ocula and Takeru, aboard the Cortos, nevertheless attempted to fight back. Both knew that daemons could be purged from a mortal, the Chapter's many test subjects a testament to that. They attempted to capture their afflicted brethren one by one as the victims struggled with their inner daemons, and tied them down, chanting prayers and litanies to aid their brothers in the expulsion of the foul beasts. Those who were freed attempted the same with other afflicted, but by the end of days of struggle within the warp, only 92 brothers were saved.

Many were damned to Chaos, killed by those who were freed or Daemons, or committed suicide in desperation. Not a single serf survived.

The fleet exited the warp above Medusa one year after the Black Crusade had ended. Isshu and Takeru led their escaped brothers down to the planet surface on a wave of Thunderhawks just as the Traitors fled back into the warp. Captain Tsukai, the only surviving officer amongst them tried to report what had happened to the Iron Hands and sought their aid in relocating the other half of their chapter that had went to war on Cadia. Tsukai would be surprised however, that Chapter Master Muguro Keiji and the remains of the 1st and 5th company were on Medusa as well, having stationed themselves in and around the planet in search of answers to those lost in the warp after having to pull out from the war due to heavy losses.

The Iron Hands knew that Inquisitorial eyes would soon fall on the Hollow Eyes, for no man could have suffered possession by warp entities and came out untainted, much less men who were impervious to the touch of the warp. The Iron Hands requested that Chapter Master Keiji redeem his Chapter by purging these survivors of the warp without any support and keeping the matter a secret, or risk the wrath of the Inquisition on the rest of his Chapter if they ever found out. Keiji had no choice but to agree, however the slaughter of old comrades is hard and severing the bonds of brotherhood even harder. Tsukai would be given 3 days head start before the Loyalists began their hunt. Betrayed and forsaken by those he once called family, Tsukai led his brothers off world and into the stars aboard a captured rogue trader ship. Those loyal to Keiji forever renamed themselves the Seekers to show their dedication to rooting out their fallen brethren. The split would be known as the Schism.

Both Loyalists and Forsaken engaged in skirmishes across the stars as the hunter hunted and the hunted fled, ever towards the galactic east. In order to forever elude their Loyalist brothers, the Forsaken entered an anomalous region of space along the fringes of the galaxy, where entry and exit could only be obtained on certain times and locations, communications could not go through and the light of the Astronomican did not reach. In this region of space they settled in the smallest of three systems on the relatively uninhabited and primal world they name Shin Kibou (New Hope). Tsukai had arrived with just 70 Space Marines and a mission to survive.

Pre-Schism Heraldry

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Forsaken

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GENE-SEED

The Hollow Eyes are missing the Betcher's Gland in their gene-seed about a century after their inception. Most veterans still retain a Betcher's Gland, being from the moment of founding of the chapter.

Expanded Omophagea and Hippocampus within the brain leads to photographic memory and extremely fast processing of information, short and long term memory as well improved spatial awareness.

HOMEWORLD

Pre-Schism: No homeworld, the Hollow Eyes were a rapid response force that covered a huge swathes of the eastern fringe that required mobility. As such they were based aboard a fleet composed of 1 Battle Barge cum Chapter Monastery, 3 Strike Cruisers and 5 Frigates. The Chapter also recruits from a variety of border worlds and systems, but favours industrialized planets as they have tendencies to produce technologically savvy, cunning, vicious and economically shrewd individuals, qualities that the Hollow Eyes appreciate.

Post-Schism: Feral World Shin Kibou. The planet itself is a rather uninspiring planet 1.5 times the size of Terra, consisting of 40% landmass with a large swath of ice caps on its north pole and a scorching desert on its south pole as the planet spins horizontally. Landscape across the equator is biased towards the south with temperate forests and plains along the equator growing into dense rainforests towards the south, and rocky mountains towards the north. It is relatively uninhabited save for several tribes of primitive, regressed humans and a variety of animal life on a scale largely unseen on most Imperial worlds. Shin Kibou is the second of four planets in its system, in a sector made of 3 systems populated by other xenos, human and abhuman space-faring nations forever locked in conflict amongst each other and relatively ignorant of the rest of the galaxy at large. Shin Kibou's system is also home to the Ashureans, an technologically advanced abhuman Kingdom whom the Hollow Eyes have a pact with. In return for workers, recruits, supplies and equipment from Ashurea, the Hollow Eyes sell their services to the Queen.

ORGANIZATION

Composition of the Hollow Eyes

Pre-Schism

6 Companies 106 Marines Per Company Inclusive of Headquarters Staff and Exclusive of Dreadnoughts 1st Company Chapter Master and Command Squad of 5 Steel Legends 10 Squads - 6 Squads of Veterans, 1 Tactical, 2 Assault and 1 Devastator 10 Rhinos and Razorbacks 1 Land Raider 20 Bikes 6 Land Speeders 4 Predators 20 suits of Terminator Armor 1 Dreadnought 2 Thunderhawks 2nd to 6th Company *Each* Captain and Command Squad of 5 Steel Legends 10 Squads Per Company - 1 Veteran, 3 Tactical, 4 Assault and 2 Devastator Varying numbers of Scout Initiates, 1 per Battle Brother 10 Rhinos and Razorbacks 20 Bikes 4 Land Speeders 2 Predators 5 suits of Terminator Armor 1 Thunderhawk 1 Dreadnought *Only 2nd, 3rd and 6th Company* Vessels and Support Staff Battle Barge Ocula 1 Unnamed Battle Barge Strike Cruiser Cortos 2 Unnamed Strike Cruisers Modified Nova Frigate Screaming Fury 4 Unnamed Frigates 2000 Serfs 8000 Slaves and Servitors

Post-Schism

Single Brotherhood 70 Marines Inclusive of Headquarters Staff and Exclusive of Dreadnoughts as at Schism Taisho (Marshal) --Command Squad of 6 Steel Legends --4 Terminators led by a Shosa (Major) Rikugun Taii (Army Captain) --Command Squad of 5 Steel Legends --2 Squads of Tactical Marines each led by a Gunso (Sergeant) Jukaki Taii (Heavy Weapons Captain) --9 Sternguard Veterans led by a Socho (Sergeant Major) --2 Dreadnoughts, Brother Hiro and Brother Michio of 2nd and 6th Company --1 Land Raider *Built using Space Marine specifications and Ashurean engineering* Shogeki Taii (Shock Troop Captain) --2 Veteran Vanguards --9 Assault Marines led by a Gunso (Sergeant) ----Shogeki Chuii (Shock Troop Lieutenant) ------3 Space Marine Bikers 1 Shunin Yakuzaishi (Chief Apothecary), a Taisa (Colonel) responsible for the Apothecarium, and maintaining each Steel Legend's medical proficiency. 1 Shisho (Mentor), a Socho (Sergeant Major) responsible for the training of potential Marine Recruits, as well as keeper of records and history. 1 Heiki-Gakari (Armorer), a Socho responsible for the training of engineering skills and the maintenance of the armory. 1 Shonin (Merchant), a Socho responsible for bringing in supplies for the Chapter and the selection of potential recruits by whatever means necessary. Vessels and Support Staff 1 Modified Rogue Trader Vessel - Cruiser sized 2 Orbital Dropships - Unknown design 1 Vehicle Landing Craft - Unknown design 500 Paid Serfs 1500 Slaves and Servitors

DOCTRINE

The doctrine of the Chapter does not favor direct face to face combat due to the constraints on the Chapter's manpower and equipment. Instead the Hollow Eyes wage war on the enemies' ability to commit to battle rather than fight against them on the field. Raids on supply lines and bases are a common affair, as well as seeding suspicion amongst the ranks of the enemy to varying results. They recognize the importance of supply lines and logistics as the key factor to the outcome of any engagement and are adept at crippling them.

The Hollow Eyes had always been geared towards shock attacks and wars of maneuvering. Due to the relatively low amount of Battle Brothers, the Hollow Eyes play on their Chapter's specialty, the knack for cunning and technological expertise. A typical engagement would see small groups of Tactical Marines and their apprenticed squires taking the vanguard of the battle, with the scouts surveying the land and eliminating key personnel before retreating to their masters, who would lay strings of IEDs, tank traps and kill zones.

They would be followed by Devastators who would lay in ambush at kill zones while Assault Marines engage the vanguard of the enemy, taunting them. Most enemies would follow the retreating Assault Marines back into the ambush. Not every enemy is a fool though, and there are those who are intelligent enough to see through the trap. And the battle becomes a war of attrition and guerrilla tactics involving multiple hit and runs, acts of sabotage, servitor suicide bombers and assassination teams. Many, even the Imperial organizations and worlds they were sworn to protect, would call them cowards and terrorists. However, these Brothers of the Chapter know that in the grim darkness of the future, the ends justify the means.

Even after the Schism, the doctrine has not changed. In fact, the tactics are ever more so embraced as the only way they can survive in the galaxy, beset by hostile Xenos, they Chaos and Loyalist brethren, pirates and raiders out to make a name for themselves as well as the inherent dangers of being involved in the local wars as part of their pact with their sole supplying benefactor state.

CULTURE

The Hollow Eyes have always been isolationist, preferring to be self-sustaining and extremely aggressive to external interference to the way things are run in the Chapter. Having recruited from mostly repressed ethnic minority criminals on Industrial worlds on the eastern fringe, the trust no one mentality and reliance on self has solidified the Chapter's mindset.

This isolationist policy extends as far as never sending a single Brother to Mars for training despite the technological affinity in the Chapter and their good relationship with the Mechanicus, nor do they believe in the hocus pocus of psykers and the Imperial religious dogma, favoring the reliability of steel and technology. As such every Battle Brother is a trained Combat Engineer and Field Medic to varying degrees, with those who have performed with great distinction in engineering or medical fields being given the title of a Steel Legend. The Chapter itself has no Battle Brother capable of psychic manifestations due to their disdain of psykers, however in order to ascertain that a potential recruit is pure of mind, sanctioned psychics from within the ranks of the serfs are tasked with routinely screening the minds of each initiate. The lack of dedication, if at all, to the religious superstition means no Brother has need for holy rites or litanies performed by Chaplains common in other Chapters, they trust in their armor and arms to carry them forward. Science and Knowledge is their faith, and every Brother is an adept in it.

The Steel Legends are the backbone of the Chapter in every functional aspect. The lack of a proper Librarium has in a sense abolished the traditional ways of keeping the Chapter's records, instead, each company's Steel Legend is tasked with the propagation of knowledge and lore to the next generation by word of mouth as well as in writing. The Legends are also Medical researchers, responsible for the health of their fellows as well as scientific research into xenos biology. As such it is rare that Steel Legend are ever called to battle save the most important of missions to avoid separating them from their duties.

Battle Brothers share an extremely strong bond amongst their company and those who have a mentor-student relationship, stronger than the "brotherhood" in other chapters. The Chapter trains its initiates by assigning each selected child to a Battle Brother, who would guide and train the boy in the ways of the Chapter till he earns his right to don the power armor. As such, within a company, every brother has another who stood as a father figure or as a son during the initiate's early years.

This tradition of kinship, self reliance and isolationism has extended past the Schism into the current Chapter's form, despite the difference in cultural values and ethnicity of the planet they now recruit from.

Serfs are treated very well, before the Schism they were hereditary servants to the Chapter all whom are educated and trained in combat to the best of their mortal abilities and were given luxurious rations and quarters compared to the average citizen of the Imperium. Even after the Schism where serfs were neither hereditary nor worked for the Chapter for life, these paid indentured servants were accosted the same level of treatment and likewise were loyal to the Chapter until death. Servitude to the Chapter was often seen as a better way of life for the lower classes as it gave them escape from hunger and poverty. In and out of battle, it is these serfs who are called upon to defend Sanuki Castle or crew the various Chapter's vehicles and vessels.

Slavery is a common practice in the Chapter as well. Slaves unlike serfs are unwilling participants in their servitude, being captured in battle or raids. But despite their circumstances and harsh treatment, no slave has ever sought to break their bonds and flee, or revolt, for the repercussions for being caught could be worse than death itself. Lobotomized servitors in the case of human slaves or experimental subjects were often amongst the punishments an unruly slave could receive.

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GALAXY

Imperium of Man - Even before the Schism, the Hollow Eyes had very little regard for the Imperial bureaucracy. While they respected the Emperor himself for making them who they were, they paid only lip service to His administrators on Terra for they were corrupt and self-serving. However, the Chapter were staunch defenders of Humanity itself, and believed they were born to rescue their fellow Man from themselves. Humanitarian aid whenever possible was a goal for the Chapter, and when not at war, Hollow Eyes could be counted on commandeering stolen pirate cargo ships to supply the impoverished or sending out their serfs to train militias.

The Inquisition are respected for their might and the knowledge that despite the methods, they do what is best for Mankind, however, the Chapter will never trust an Inquisitor up front, for they recognize them for their scheming.

Eldar Races - While the Dark Eldar are unquestionably hated and killed on sight or mostly captured as slaves, their Craftworld brethren are usually the best allies of convenience, as both have something they hate more than each other, Chaos. While it is normal for Hollow Eye ships to fire at or raid Craftworld Eldar and vice versa, often times they are the first species to count on in aiding them against a Chaos incursion present in shared sectors of space.

Post Schism however, the Harlequins are treated cordially and there is mutual respect for each other as they both share the same insight into the destruction of Chaos. Harlequins can frequently be counted on to provide certain vital information and knowledge that may not be privy to just anyone else.

Exodite worlds are treated as fodder, and though usually left well alone, are often the target of Chapter raids for supplies and slaves whenever they are not under the protection of a Craftworld.

Ta'u Empire - Before the Schism, Ta'u were generally left alone unless they tried to expand into Imperial territory, where fierce skirmishes were conducted to ensure they left and never came back. However, the Gue'vasa worlds they control are often a prime source of trade and replenishment of alternatives that do not come from the already infrequent and rare resupplies from Forgeworlds. Post Schism, Ta'u worlds were often pillaged and high ranking caste members held for ransom whenever possible. Gue'vasa planets, despite no longer possible trade partners due to straining relationships, nevertheless were unmolested for the presence of its human populace.

Chaos and Mutants - Chaos is seen as the worst possible creation in the universe, and by extension psykers as well. While Hollow Eye battles with the varying Xenos scum of the universe would nevertheless respectfully give an Alien a clean death if possible, Chaos agents are always mutilated and their corpses spat upon. If captured alive, Chaos agents will inevitably be given the worst of deaths through excruciatingly lengthy tortures and wrung dry of any information they have.

Psykers are disdained although usually employed in the service of the Chapter, unless they were non-humans, who otherwise would be summarily executed wherever they were found. Mutants and abhumans who recieved their physical state through a bad stroke of genetics (and not Chaos), were treated sympathetically for their plight. Many are given employment as serfs and treated as any other.

Orks and Tyranids - Orks, their Feral brethren and Tyranids are killed and attacked on sight, slavery for both species are also out of the question due to what they are as they make poor servants. However Orks are often a good source for spare parts and ammunition supplies, and as such, it is often seen as a past time for squads of brothers to seek permission for a raid party on Ork supply caches.

In so far, there has only been one case during post Schism that the brothers have managed to tame a Feral Tyranid, and that was an exception and not a rule. Successive and previous attempts to capture and tame these beasts for war has proved unsuccessful.

Minor Human and Xenos Empires - Within the sector they now inhabit post Schism, the Hollow Eyes have a binding and mutual relationship of survival with the Ashurean Hegemony, who are at war with another human kingdom, the Terran People's Republic. They maintain a trading relationship with another psychically endowed human entity, the Vaurenian Clans. Several other Xenos empires and kingdoms in the sector often hire these Marines in their petty wars amongst each other as well.

Outside the sector, various Human Pirate and Mercenary Kingdoms that fall outside Imperial Law are lucrative trade partners and employers so long as their interests in the well being of Humanity do not clash. Minor Xenos Kingdoms are usually left alone unless they are the targets of a contract or a raid.

HEROES OF THE CHAPTER

Chapter Master Kinji - First Chapter Master of the Hollow Eyes, established the tradition and rite of passage that requires all Brothers to give their left eye in dedication to the preservation of Imperial lives.

Chapter Master Muguro Keiji - 3rd and current Chapter Master pre-Schism. Led the forces of 1st and the 5th Company aboard a Battle Barge, a Strike Cruiser and 2 Frigates to Cadia in response to the call to arms against Abaddon's 13th Black Crusade. He suffered terrible losses during the battle due to his dogged insistence to commit to battles without support. After the war, unable to contact the rest of the chapter he left behind, he led the battered remains to Medusa in hopes that the lost may have gone there.

He was later tasked with leading the remains of his brothers as the Seekers, to root out and purge his fallen brethren, by the Iron Hands.

Captain Tsukai/ Tsukai Taisho - Captain of the 2nd Company before the Schism, he was a staunch opponent against the abandonment of post for Medusa. A survivor of the Schism, he now serves as Taisho of the Hollow Eyes.

Sergeant Isshu/ Isshu Sosho - Sergeant of a Tactical Squad of the 3rd Company, he was aboard the Ocula during the attack by warp entities. A Blank himself, he was untouched and instrumental to the rescue of several of his brothers, including Captain of the 2nd Company, Tsukai. He currently serves as the Chapter's Shisho, training new recruits and recording the deeds of the Chapter.

Brother Takeru/ Takeru Gunso - Corporal in a Tactical Squad of the 6th Company, he was aboard one of the Strike Cruisers alongside his company. A Blank himself, he was untouched and instrumental to the rescue of several of his brothers, and defended Venerable Brother Michio from sabotage by his Traitor brethren. He now currently leads a Tactical Squad in the Chapter.

POST-SCHISM AUXILIARIES OF NOTE

Despite the fact that the Hollow Eyes are mostly self reliant as a whole, the results of their history has often found itself requiring to accept "less than standard" forces to stand in with them. Xenos war beasts and auxiliaries, "heretical" non-Imperial technology, humans and abhuman forces trained and supplied with power armor similar in purpose but neither in design or function as the Marines themselves.

Black Serpent - Black Serpent was a feral Trygon found on a Death World just outside of the anomaly. A terror and an apex predator to the colonists of the planet, a deal was struck by the Hollow Eyes and the planetary governer to subdue the creature in exchange for supplies. A squad of Brothers and their initiates were sent to track the elusive burrowing beast and did so for 3 weeks. The beast was engaged and cornered and wounded to the brink of death. The Gunso of the squad admired and respected the beast's ferocity and took it back with him, whereupon the creature was researched and a synaptic controller built to keep it docile until it is unleashed, if not control it. Armed to the teeth with a pair of autocannons, the Black Serpent is a ferocious addition to the Chapter's arsenal capable of standing toe to toe with any Predator tank or Leman Russ.

Corshra - A Harlequin Solitaire who encountered the Hollow Eyes on one of their many supply raids. Initially hostile to the Chapter due to their target being an Exodite world, she however realized the Marines for what they are, Illuminati, even though the Chapter itself does not recognize that term. Corshra would begin shadowing the Chapter, learning of their movements and studying them, gaining access to their world, and at times appearing to their aid in battles against their Chaos brethren seeding her respect of the Chapter's unwavering spirit in the face of hopelessness. She would later earn their trust and respect as an honorary Sister of the Chapter.

Reize Mordacai's Twenty Fourth - A cloned trans-human female, and Captain of Ashurean Councillor Mordacai's personal elite bodyguard, the Twenty Fourth. The Twenty Fourth have often fought beside the Hollow Eyes in Ashurean campaigns against the other human and xenos kingdoms of the sector. Each is almost match for a Space Marine, for what they lack in genetic superiority, they make up for in the technology they wield and Reize herself is the best of them all. However, they are still mortal and many only live to serve for at most a century compared to a brother's half a millenia or more of full combat experience, this makes learning from a Battle Brother an invaluable opportunity whenever they fight side by side.

[table=++END TRANSCRIPT++][/table]

[Bloodstone]

Managed to finish my first revision of the Chapter. Hope to have the lore and history of the Chapter vetted so it fits logically into the universe of 40k ;)

[Bloodstone]

Added a Section on some of the heroes of the Chapter as well as background fluff for relations with other factions. Would like to see some CnC.

[Bloodstone]

Considering the full draft i have and no nit picks i assume that my standard of writing has reached the level of Black Library standard?

[Octavulg]

CHAPTER NAME: ..............THE HOLLOW EYES

 

This sounds neat, but I find myself wondering what, exactly, it's supposed to mean.

 

Also, this is a more traitorous sounding name than Flesh Eaters, and that's saying something.

 

FORTRESS MONASTERY: ........PRE SCHISM : BATTLE BARGE OCULA // POST SCHISM : SANUKI CASTLE

 

Sanuki Castle?

 

That's not exactly a subtle reference. Also, that's not how Fortress Monastery names usually work - they tend to be in English, for one.

 

KNOWN DESCENDANTS: .........SEEKERS [LOYALISTS] , RONIN [TRAITORS]

 

OK, ronin is both a term from another language and a term that is about as subtle as a brick. Call them Masterless or something. Ronin jumps up and down and screams, "LOOK AT ME I'M MAKING A SAMURAI-THEMED CHAPTER!!!!!!!!'

 

Also, I don't think that's what's meant by descendants. Descendants would be new chapters created from their geneseed, rather than new groups that were created wholesale from the chapter. Or at least so I would think. I mean, the Red Corsairs aren't listed as descendants of the Astral Claws.

 

This article will focus on the Renegade faction of the Chapter as the only independent remaining force. The Traitors formed the Ronin but were eventually absorbed into various other Chaos Warbands, and the Loyalists are too few in number to continue their duties, receiving shelter and subordinate to another unknown Iron Hands successor.

 

Then why mention them at all?

 

The Hollow Eyes Chapter has a turbulent history. Once proud defenders of the Imperium's Far East, they are now but a shadow of their former selves, depending on mercenary work, ingenuity and guerilla warfare to stay alive. The first of these ill-fated brothers were commissioned in M.40 to guard the eastern borders of the Imperium against Orks and prevent Chaotic machinations on fringe worlds. They were to be of Iron Hands stock, hardy, and ever self improving. The first ideal candidates for these new Angels of Death were to be drawn from murderers, mercenaries and sappers on the planet of Medusa V, vicious but technically talented criminals all.

 

There are many places to put a samurai-themed chapter. The Far East is not one of them. Again, this is a subtlety thing.

 

Also, having them be drawn from Medusa V drags in a well-known part of the 40K universe. Feels like you're name-dropping.

 

Also also, since Space Marine recruits have to be under 14, those are precocious adolescents you're recruiting, what with the way they're already selling their military services for money...

 

Also also also, I didn't think Medusa V had a Japanese theme in the naming of its population.

 

When the fleet made the jump, they were immediately besieged by warp entities that attempted to possess the bodies of the marines. Every single brother in the fleet would be enslaved, save for two, who miraculously were unaffected. Sergeant Isshu and Brother Takeru were puzzled by the lack of attempt by warp daemons to possess them. Isshu, aboard the Ocula and Takeru, aboard the Cortos, nevertheless attempted to fight back. Both knew that daemons could be purged from a mortal, the Chapter's many test subjects a testament to that. They attempted to capture their afflicted brethren one by one as the victims struggled with their inner daemons, and tied them down, chanting prayers and litanies to aid their brothers in the expulsion of the foul beasts. Those who were freed attempted the same with other afflicted, but by the end of days of struggle within the warp, only 92 brothers were saved.

 

...No. You do not go unprotected into the Warp and survive. You can go insane, you can get possessed, or you can die horrifically. Those are the options, which can be chosen from in any combination. You certainly don't beat up the inhabitants.

 

332 were damned to Chaos, killed by those who were freed, or committed suicide. Not a single serf survived.

 

You seem obsessed with the exact numbers of your chapter. It honestly doesn't matter that much.

 

Second, the idea that 300 plus possessed Marines, in the Warp, would lose to two is ridiculous. Patently so.

 

The fleet exited the warp above Medusa one year after the Black Crusade had ended. Isshu and Takeru led their escaped brothers down to the planet surface on a wave of Thunderhawks just as the Traitors fled back into the warp. Captain Tsukai, the only surviving officer amongst them tried to report what had happened to the Iron Hands and sought their aid in relocating the other half of their chapter that had went to war on Cadia. Tsukai would be surprised however, that Chapter Master Muguro Keiji and the remains of the 1st and 5th company were on Medusa as well, having stationed themselves in and around the planet in search of answers to those lost in the warp.

 

I think the Black Crusade's still ongoing, so you'd be writing in the future.

 

The Iron Hands knew that Inquisitorial eyes would soon fall on the Hollow Eyes, for no man could have suffered possession by warp entities and came out untainted, much less men who were impervious to the touch of the warp. The Iron Hands requested that Chapter Master Keiji redeem his Chapter by purging these survivors of the warp without any support, or risk the wrath of the Inquisition on the rest of his Chapter. Keiji had no choice but to agree, however the slaughter of old comrades is hard and severing the bonds of brotherhood even harder. Tsukai would be given 3 days head start before the Loyalists began their hunt. Betrayed and forsaken by those he once called family, Tsukai led his brothers off world and into the stars aboard a captured rogue trader ship. Those loyal to Keiji forever renamed themselves the Seekers to show their dedication to rooting out their fallen brethren. The split would be known as the Schism.

 

...That's not a schism. A schism implies some kind of disagreement.

 

Also, the Inquisition's not likely to be any more impressed by "well, we let them go because we felt sorry for them". A moment of laxity spawns a lifetime of heresy.

 

Pre-Schism Heraldry

 

Why would they change?

 

The doctrine of the Chapter does not favor direct face to face combat due to the constraints on the Chapter's manpower and equipment. Instead the Hollow Eyes wage war on the enemies' ability to commit to battle rather than fight against them on the field. Raids on supply lines and bases are a common affair, as well as seeding suspicion amongst the ranks of the enemy to varying results. They recognize the importance of supply lines and logistics as the key factor to the outcome of any engagement and are adept at crippling them.

 

...Well, I'm pleasantly surprised by how this isn't samurai-themed.

 

The Hollow Eyes have always been isolationist, preferring to be self-sustaining and extremely aggressive to external interference to the way things are run in the Chapter. Having recruited from mostly repressed ethnically Asian criminals on Industrial worlds on the eastern fringe, the trust no one mentality and reliance on self has solidified the Chapter's mindset.

 

It's thirty eight thousand years in the future. There's no such thing as Asians. There's no such thing as Asia.

 

This isolationist policy extends as far as never sending a single Brother to Mars for training despite the immense engineering acuity in the Chapter, nor do they believe in the hocus pocus of psykers and the Imperial religious dogma, favoring the reliability of steel and technology. As such every Battle Brother is a trained Combat Engineer and Field Medic to varying degrees, with those who have performed with great distinction being given the title of a Steel Legend. The Chapter itself has no Battle Brother capable of psychic manifestations due to their disdain of psykers, however in order to ascertain that a potential recruit is pure of mind, sanctioned psychics from within the ranks of the serfs are tasked with routinely screening the minds of each initiate. The lack of dedication, if at all, to the Imperial Cult means every Brother has no need for holy rites or litanies performed by Chaplains common in other Chapters, they trust in their armor and arms to carry them forward. Science and Knowledge is their faith, and every Brother is a master of it.

 

...Chaplains in other chapters don't follow the Imperial Cult.

 

An Iron Hands successor being not superstitious and tied to the Mechanicus, especially when stemming from so recent a founding, is frankly implausible. People don't understand technology in 40K. They certainly don't start doing so by being part of one of the most conservative organizations in 40K which has ties to another of the most conservative organizations in 40K, and they certainly wouldn't do it quickly.

 

The Steel Legends are the backbone of the Chapter in every functional aspect. The lack of a proper Librarium has in a sense abolished the traditional ways of keeping the Chapter's records, instead, each company's Steel Legend is tasked with the propagation of knowledge and lore to the next generation by word of mouth as well as in writing. The Legends are also Medical researchers, responsible for the health of their fellows as well as scientific research into xenos biology. As such it is rare that Steel Legend are ever called to battle save the most important of missions to avoid separating them from their duties.

 

Why not just have Librarians who aren't psychics?

 

Battle Brothers share an extremely strong bond amongst their company and those who have a mentor-student relationship, stronger than the "brotherhood" in other chapters. The Chapter trains its initiates by assigning each selected child to a Battle Brother, who would raise and train the boy till he earns his right to don the power armor. As such, within a company, every brother has another who stood as a father figure or as a son during the initiate's early years.

 

Go read C:SM 3e. Specifically the schedule of a Space Marine's day. Explain where they find time to raise a kid. Especially when you consider that a Space Marine is a fourteen year old who was taken from his family, indoctrinated, suffered immense pain and horrific surgery, and who can crush skulls with his hands.

 

Reize Mordacai's Twenty Fourth - A genetically cloned trans-human female, and Captain of Ashurean Councillor Mordacai's personal elite bodyguard, the Twenty Fourth. The Twenty Fourth have often fought beside the Hollow Eyes in Ashurean campaigns against the other human and xenos kingdoms of the sector.Each a match for a Space Marine, for what they lack in genetic superiority, they make up for in the technology they wield and Reize herself is the best of them all.

 

Please explain how you could have a non-genetic clone?

 

* * *

 

There is enough detail to choke an ox, and yet I have little or no idea of what the chapter's really like. Your chapter comes across as implausibly capable in a variety of different ways in a variety of situations. The Japanese theme is applied with an overly-heavy hand in too many places, though you didn't apply it everywhere as some would have. There doesn't seem to be a unifying idea or concept - there's a narrative, and there's a lot of details of equipment and personnel, but there's no character behind it all.

 

Describe your chapter to me in a sentence or two, without mentioning their equipment, history or home world.

[Bloodstone]

Okay, ill try to explain some concepts and rework some of the jigsaw pieces to fit with the rest of the universe.

 

1. The Hollow Eyes is tribute to the Chapter's first and foremost tradition of sacrificing a left eye, both as a symbol of dedication, as well as procedure to replace it with bionics to improve their abilities.

 

2. I chose the name Sanuki Castle as the Monastery name because of the theme, specifically i was going for Ninjas and a smidgen of Pre WW1 Imperial Japan who were unlike Samurai. Ninjas in our history are usually employed commoners who are not exactly governed by the strict code of honor that the Samurai hold, and they are one of the more creative members of society as opposed to the conservative and religious Samurai.

 

3. I got the idea, i'll remove the reference.

 

4. Just in case people were confused about which factions point of view i am writing the IA's history from. The chapter is split three ways.

 

5. I'll rename all references from Medusa V to another planet with Kadena. As for the recruits i am drawing from, yes they are meant to be precocious young people, its not surprising there will be these kind of people. Its an idea drawn from kids living in turbulent times who would do anything to survive, look at modern day African kids.

 

6. You reinforced my point, they can be possessed or killed in the process. I did say the Battle Brothers were afflicted by possession and most were struggling within their minds for control. The 2 blank marines have ample opportunity to subdue their brothers one on one and attempting to force a purge. And i did mention that not all could be saved as time drew on. And i also mentioned that some commited suicide - either out of madness or mercy for themselves, not all of them managed to stay alive before being fully possessed.

 

7. Yea, i believe the 13th BC is still ongoing, but i read the materials on the battle of Medusa and i remember it being concluded that the Iron Hands managed to secure their homeworld, so that part is won. I will try to be more specific why the Loyalists drew out of Cadia despite that. Most likely due to heavy losses to avoid wiping out the Chapter itself.

 

8. I couldn't think of a better word, please enlighten me. The main purpose was that, the Iron Hands intended to advice their successors to purge all evidence of any corruption, meaning the loyalists had no choice but to hunt down and chase away their fallen brethren and keep it a secret, lest the Inquisition gets wind of it and exterminates the rest.

 

9. They didn't change their heraldry, just merely did not maintain their colors, most brothers after constant battle and patching of their armor's surface without repainting leaves their armor the grimy white or ceramite.

 

10. Ninjas.

 

11. Im speaking logically from the modern point of view of genetic racial division. 38 thousand years into the future you still would have some semblence of race within the human species no matter how intermixed it is. I am merely drawing on racism against a specific group of repressed.

 

12. Ill rectify that one about other chapters following the Imperial Cult. I never did mention the Chapter's ties with the AdMech, and i would like to state that they do have a close relationship with them. Superstition is one thing, yes, i agree my Iron Hands successor should be just as superstitious, but dabbling in technology is merely an act of necessity, nothing more. I do not believe Space Marines would go to battle clad in merely their underwear and pitchforks because everything broke down and their so far in the east that they cannot get resupplies or call an AdMech crew to fix it for them, or shirk their duties because they lack the equipment.

 

13. Its the Chapter organizational system, they do not need a Librarium when there are no Librarians to segregate from the rest of the chapter. Every company is built to be self sufficient and capable of operating independantly from the mother Chapter for extended periods of time, and has their own Library and records. Important information is shared amongst the companies whenever Legends meet and each is obligated to maintain his own company's database.

 

14. I took this idea from the Black Templar's way of training Neophytes. I liked the idea of one to one, this could build extremely strong bonds and increase morale and camaderie amongst Battle Brothers of a company. Raise and train may seem like a weak term to you, but just take it as the same way a Black Templar does it, except that a Battle Brother does not request the Initiate, but they are assigned one by the Company Command.

 

15. Okay, thats just stupid, ill delete that word.

 

 

 

So if you think those explanations and changes are logical, i'll proceed to edit the thing.

[Bloodstone]

There is enough detail to choke an ox, and yet I have little or no idea of what the chapter's really like. Your chapter comes across as implausibly capable in a variety of different ways in a variety of situations. The Japanese theme is applied with an overly-heavy hand in too many places, though you didn't apply it everywhere as some would have. There doesn't seem to be a unifying idea or concept - there's a narrative, and there's a lot of details of equipment and personnel, but there's no character behind it all.

 

Describe your chapter to me in a sentence or two, without mentioning their equipment, history or home world.

 

It is a Ninja-themed chapter, with a smidgen of Pre war Imperial Japan as inspiration for ranks and location names as Ninjas had no ranks to speak of nor fortified cities.

 

I wanted them to be a tragic chapter, formed mostly on extreme hardship and the will to carry on irregardless of their means to justify their ends.

 

Most importantly, i wanted to draw upon Sengoku era Ninjas as inspiration because they were drawn from mostly the oppressed who were either employed by the Samurai because they were paid, or were terrorists who were ideologically against the Samurai class or had something to protect but lacked the means to. And the i was aiming to insert that character into the modes of operation, the recruitment process, the contempt for the powerful and the humanity to the weak, as well as mistrust for central authority, the isolationism and general creativity in tackling problems they are ill-equipped to deal with.

 

Most importantly, they are certainly not "implausibly capable in a variety of ways". From the get go they were understrength in numbers, and fallible in character in some ways (refusal to work with most other Imperial units on the Cadian front?), they had aging (even by Imperial standards) and mostly ramshackle equipment that by the stroke of luck and some work are slapped back into serviceability and unable to commit to battle toe to toe with almost any significantly sized army or even a fellow Space Marine Chapter of equivalent manpower. They are from the get go, a force that is only capable of guerilla warfare and would only engage in conventional warfare if unable to do so, at significant cost.

 

So now that everyone else reading this has got a slight idea of what im aiming for. Please help point out parts that lack the explanation i require.

[Octavulg]

1. The Hollow Eyes is tribute to the Chapter's first and foremost tradition of sacrificing a left eye, both as a symbol of dedication, as well as procedure to replace it with bionics to improve their abilities.

 

OK. A bit of a stretch, but not too much. And an interesting enough name, in any case.

 

2. I chose the name Sanuki Castle as the Monastery name because of the theme, specifically i was going for Ninjas and a smidgen of Pre WW1 Imperial Japan who were unlike Samurai. Ninjas in our history are usually employed commoners who are not exactly governed by the strict code of honor that the Samurai hold, and they are one of the more creative members of society as opposed to the conservative and religious Samurai.

 

Ah. The ronin bit confused me.

 

What does Sanuki mean, then (for example, Birmingham means "Home or settlement of Beorma's people" if you go back far enough, and Toronto means "where there are trees standing in the water")? I'd use that as the monastery's name.

 

Also, wouldn't Iga or Koka be a more appropriate ninja reference?

 

4. Just in case people were confused about which factions point of view i am writing the IA's history from. The chapter is split three ways.

 

Eh. I'd just mention what happened to the other two when the split happens, then follow the renegades. It'd only take a line or two.

 

6. You reinforced my point, they can be possessed or killed in the process. I did say the Battle Brothers were afflicted by possession and most were struggling within their minds for control. The 2 blank marines have ample opportunity to subdue their brothers one on one and attempting to force a purge. And i did mention that not all could be saved as time drew on. And i also mentioned that some commited suicide - either out of madness or mercy for themselves, not all of them managed to stay alive before being fully possessed.

 

Doesn't matter. You have hundreds of possessed Marines being beaten by a few non-possessed ones while in the Warp. The place where Daemons come from. The Warp is full of Daemons. Hell, it's basically made of daemons. You don't beat the Warp while sitting inside it.

 

Furthermore, unless they're Navigators looking at the Warp will likely drive the two un-possessed guys insane. It certainly should.

 

Put it this way - a brief transit without a Gellar field in A D-B's Blood Reaver kills a bunch of Chaos Marines and turns the one survivor into a Chaos Spawn who isn't even vaguely human. And those are people the Warp would like, over a period of minutes.

 

7. Yea, i believe the 13th BC is still ongoing, but i read the materials on the battle of Medusa and i remember it being concluded that the Iron Hands managed to secure their homeworld, so that part is won. I will try to be more specific why the Loyalists drew out of Cadia despite that. Most likely due to heavy losses to avoid wiping out the Chapter itself.

 

Oh, it's just more that you said Medusa ended after the Crusade did.

 

8. I couldn't think of a better word, please enlighten me. The main purpose was that, the Iron Hands intended to advice their successors to purge all evidence of any corruption, meaning the loyalists had no choice but to hunt down and chase away their fallen brethren and keep it a secret, lest the Inquisition gets wind of it and exterminates the rest.

 

It wouldn't be known as anything, because otherwise the Inquisition might find out about it. ;)

 

9. They didn't change their heraldry, just merely did not maintain their colors, most brothers after constant battle and patching of their armor's surface without repainting leaves their armor the grimy white or ceramite.

 

Ah. I'd just say that their colors are theoretically the first scheme, but that it doesn't work out that way, then.

 

10. Ninjas.

 

True enough.

 

11. Im speaking logically from the modern point of view of genetic racial division. 38 thousand years into the future you still would have some semblence of race within the human species no matter how intermixed it is.

 

But they wouldn't think of them as Asian - people aren't even speaking English any more. And references to modern things tend to damage the reader's immersion in the IA. I just wouldn't bring it up. The Salamanders IA never (used to) mention they were mostly black.

 

Also, I'd mix the names up a bit more. While, as you say, there'd be Asian-looking people around, I doubt all of them would still be called Takeshi and Hohiro. There'd be a few Bobs and Mbotos and Running Deers.

 

12. Ill rectify that one about other chapters following the Imperial Cult. I never did mention the Chapter's ties with the AdMech, and i would like to state that they do have a close relationship with them. Superstition is one thing, yes, i agree my Iron Hands successor should be just as superstitious, but dabbling in technology is merely an act of necessity, nothing more. I do not believe Space Marines would go to battle clad in merely their underwear and pitchforks because everything broke down and their so far in the east that they cannot get resupplies or call an AdMech crew to fix it for them, or shirk their duties because they lack the equipment.

 

Well, yes. But there's a difference between "a bit better with technology than average due to necessity" and what you have there.

 

13. Its the Chapter organizational system, they do not need a Librarium when there are no Librarians to segregate from the rest of the chapter. Every company is built to be self sufficient and capable of operating independantly from the mother Chapter for extended periods of time, and has their own Library and records. Important information is shared amongst the companies whenever Legends meet and each is obligated to maintain his own company's database.

 

Makese sense (or at least enough sense). I would point out that using the term "Legends" as a title in English is more than a little strange. Especially when not for someone so awesome they're semi-mythical.

 

14. I took this idea from the Black Templar's way of training Neophytes. I liked the idea of one to one, this could build extremely strong bonds and increase morale and camaderie amongst Battle Brothers of a company. Raise and train may seem like a weak term to you, but just take it as the same way a Black Templar does it, except that a Battle Brother does not request the Initiate, but they are assigned one by the Company Command.

 

I don't necessarily think the Black Templars are well thought out, either (they hate psykers, yet somehow get from place to place and communicate with others. Riiiiiiiight).

 

If you're just talking about them training Scouts one-to-one, say that. Using the term children was implying pre-Scouts to me.

 

It is a Ninja-themed chapter, with a smidgen of Pre war Imperial Japan as inspiration for ranks and location names as Ninjas had no ranks to speak of nor fortified cities.

 

Assuming Wikipedia is not incorrect (a debatable assumption), the Iga ninja had some level of ranking.

 

Also, it'd make a lot of sense to translate the meanings of things, instead of keeping them in Japanese. Makes the theme subtler.

 

I wanted them to be a tragic chapter, formed mostly on extreme hardship and the will to carry on irregardless of their means to justify their ends.

 

First step in extreme hardship: they can't have lots of nice stuff and allies.

 

Most importantly, i wanted to draw upon Sengoku era Ninjas as inspiration because they were drawn from mostly the oppressed who were either employed by the Samurai because they were paid, or were terrorists who were ideologically against the Samurai class or had something to protect but lacked the means to. And the i was aiming to insert that character into the modes of operation, the recruitment process, the contempt for the powerful and the humanity to the weak, as well as mistrust for central authority, the isolationism and general creativity in tackling problems they are ill-equipped to deal with.

 

Hmmm.

 

I'll get back to you on this, for this will likely be moderately involved.

 

First and foremost, though, ditch the daemonic possession angle. There's a far better reason for them to become renegades - their eventual mistrust of the Imperium eventually pushes them into it.

 

Focus on the mistrust and the helping the downtrodden. That can push them into being renegades. I'd also emphasize the lack of shiny stuff a bit more than you have, and focus less on details and more on broad principles. Extrapolation is your friend.

 

Have you considered making an outline? It tends to be easier to build up an outline into an article than to start with an article and try to hammer it into another shape.

 

Most importantly, they are certainly not "implausibly capable in a variety of ways". From the get go they were understrength in numbers, and fallible in character in some ways (refusal to work with most other Imperial units on the Cadian front?), they had aging (even by Imperial standards) and mostly ramshackle equipment that by the stroke of luck and some work are slapped back into serviceability and unable to commit to battle toe to toe with almost any significantly sized army or even a fellow Space Marine Chapter of equivalent manpower. They are from the get go, a force that is only capable of guerilla warfare and would only engage in conventional warfare if unable to do so, at significant cost.

 

Their genetic mutations are improvements, they manage to throw off daemonic possession with relative ease within the Warp, and they have "immense engineering acuity". You may have conceived of them as you say, but it's certainly not coming across.

 

I'd recommend making a point form outline of what you're doing and how you're intending to do it. I think that'd be easier to work with, both for you and for readers. Don't get rid of what you have, but put it aside for the moment.

[Bloodstone]

1. Settled

 

2. Settled. Just as an explanation, I actually chose that name merely because i had visited the vicinity on holiday and the name stuck in my head. But you have a good point i'll choose Ishikawa Castle instead in better reference to Ishikawa Goemon.

 

3. Settled.

 

4. Understood, settled.

 

5. Settled.

 

6. I could try thinking of another story for that. However, i still want to keep the concept of a three way split, whereby Chapter leadership is split between Loyalists and Chaos traitors, which leads to untainted Brothers on the Chaos side of things similarly branded as such anyway. However i expounded on the mindset and culture of the Hollow Eyes which told of their absurdly extreme prejudice against Chaos, and can't really think of a legitimate reason why half a Chapter would turn traitor by choice.

 

7. Settled, miscomm.

 

8. Settled, we'll just keep that and make a note that its a name internally within the Chapter and is not known outside the Iron Hands and Hollow Eyes.

 

9. Settled, we'll just change the reference from Post-Schism Heraldry, to just merely Post-Schism Armor.

 

10. Settled.

 

11. Settled. Will remove reference to race, however will still keep Japanese naming trend because of the theme.

 

12. Hmm...this one on technological dabbling i'd like to keep, a huge part of the culture involves self-sufficiency, and being able to improve themselves through feats of engineering without hocus pocus.

 

13. Settled. I reckon if you were to put them on par with other typical Veteran (although in different disciplines, Legends are like Veteran Techmarines and Apothecaries than combat Vets) they are not really that "Legendary", however in the cultural concept of the Hollow Eyes, most Brothers will see these as almost Jesus figures to aspire towards. Yknow, Jesus turning water to wine like how a Steel Legend is able to figure out how to fix, or in 40k sense, appease the Machine Spirit of a vehicle.

 

14. I was figuring i'd like the entire training process of a Space Marine from boy to Battle Brother to be the responsibility of the Brother he was assigned to, with exception of tasks pertaining to surgery and hypnotic indoctrination that belong to the Medical Steel Legend and his serfs. Outside of the medical processes, the basics of chapter history, tactics, survival, technical and combat skills as well as discipline are the Mentor Brother's duties.

 

First step in extreme hardship: they can't have lots of nice stuff and allies.

 

Well, the only allies they have are the Iron Hands, and by extension the AdMech through them. And the only nice things they have are photographic memory, curiosity in engineering. Compared to the lack of equipment and sizeable manpower, and pretty much anyone with a military hates them.

 

Hmmm.

 

I'll get back to you on this, for this will likely be moderately involved.

 

First and foremost, though, ditch the daemonic possession angle. There's a far better reason for them to become renegades - their eventual mistrust of the Imperium eventually pushes them into it.

 

Focus on the mistrust and the helping the downtrodden. That can push them into being renegades. I'd also emphasize the lack of shiny stuff a bit more than you have, and focus less on details and more on broad principles. Extrapolation is your friend.

 

Have you considered making an outline? It tends to be easier to build up an outline into an article than to start with an article and try to hammer it into another shape.

 

Please refer to point 6 above. Your point does help a bit. However focusing on the friction between the central authority of the Imperium and the Chapter though, is going to be harder to explain, i can't make the Hollow Eyes, who are extremely staunch in their duty, not to mention they recognize their relatively weak standing across the galaxy, agree to turn renegade just like that. If i were to say, that the friction causes a split whereby the leadership supports Imperial decree to protect the chapter from damnation, and that another half turns against them because they disagreed because of their values, it would not work either, because based on the culture of kinship, the latter half would just stay in the fold to avoid brotherly bloodshed. The fall has to happen by no will of their own. we'll rectify the rest first and get back to this part later.

 

Their genetic mutations are improvements, they manage to throw off daemonic possession with relative ease within the Warp, and they have "immense engineering acuity". You may have conceived of them as you say, but it's certainly not coming across.

 

I'd recommend making a point form outline of what you're doing and how you're intending to do it. I think that'd be easier to work with, both for you and for readers. Don't get rid of what you have, but put it aside for the moment.

 

I'll keep the genetic mutations, change it from engineering acuity to technological affinity, so now it means that their not :cussing Einsteins of the 40k world, but people who have background in the dabbling of and some basic knowledge of how mechanical objects work.

[Octavulg]

2. Settled. Just as an explanation, I actually chose that name merely because i had visited the vicinity on holiday and the name stuck in my head. But you have a good point i'll choose Ishikawa Castle instead in better reference to Ishikawa Goemon.

 

Ishikawa apparently means stony river, so you could call the monastery Riverstone or something like that. A bit more subtle (and more like usual Fortress-Monastery names).

 

12. Hmm...this one on technological dabbling i'd like to keep, a huge part of the culture involves self-sufficiency, and being able to improve themselves through feats of engineering without hocus pocus.

 

Imperial technology's pretty complicated - it's possible to be pretty creative and relatively adept with it without being able to . The difference between thinking a computer is a religious object, thinking a computer is a computer, and understanding how to design and manufacture one. The Imperium at large leans toward 1, Space marines are probably about halfway between 1 and 2, and so your guys could maybe be about 1.75 to 2?

 

Well, the only allies they have are the Iron Hands, and by extension the AdMech through them. And the only nice things they have are photographic memory, curiosity in engineering. Compared to the lack of equipment and sizeable manpower, and pretty much anyone with a military hates them.

 

And the Harlequins. And the apparently-as-tough-as-Space Marines bodyguards on that planet.

 

Please refer to point 6 above. Your point does help a bit. However focusing on the friction between the central authority of the Imperium and the Chapter though, is going to be harder to explain, i can't make the Hollow Eyes, who are extremely staunch in their duty, not to mention they recognize their relatively weak standing across the galaxy, agree to turn renegade just like that. If i were to say, that the friction causes a split whereby the leadership supports Imperial decree to protect the chapter from damnation, and that another half turns against them because they disagreed because of their values, it would not work either, because based on the culture of kinship, the latter half would just stay in the fold to avoid brotherly bloodshed. The fall has to happen by no will of their own. we'll rectify the rest first and get back to this part later.

 

Who's their duty to, though? Is it to Imperial authority or to the people of the Imperium? If they see it as lying with the people of the Imperium, a split is virtually inevitable.

[Bloodstone]

Ishikawa apparently means stony river, so you could call the monastery Riverstone or something like that. A bit more subtle (and more like usual Fortress-Monastery names).

 

Will stick with the japanese naming scheme.

 

Imperial technology's pretty complicated - it's possible to be pretty creative and relatively adept with it without being able to . The difference between thinking a computer is a religious object, thinking a computer is a computer, and understanding how to design and manufacture one. The Imperium at large leans toward 1, Space marines are probably about halfway between 1 and 2, and so your guys could maybe be about 1.75 to 2?

 

A regular brother probably leans to 1.75, with Steel Legends having been through so many years working with them probably leaning towards 2.

 

And the Harlequins. And the apparently-as-tough-as-Space Marines bodyguards on that planet.

 

Lost their connections to the AdMech and Iron Hands when they turned renegade. Only had the support of them during the loyal phase. Only one single Harlequin could be considered an ally, not just any Harlequin. Corshra may have interacted and have a good relationship with the Hollow Eyes, but i believe her sentiments are not necessarily shared amongst her own brethren, likewise the Hollow Eyes do not necessarily treat other Harlequins the same way, although there may be a certain level of amicability between them.

 

And the Twenty Fourth do not have the same level of experience as a Space Marine, Space Marines can live for centuries if not millenia of constant war, the Twenty Fourth while, having vastly superior alien technology on their side, are still mortal, and can only stay in service for at most a century or so. A bit vague i know, clarification will be added to the update. I see it as a comparison between Space Marines, and commandos in Iron Man suits.

 

Who's their duty to, though? Is it to Imperial authority or to the people of the Imperium? If they see it as lying with the people of the Imperium, a split is virtually inevitable.

 

Duty to innocents in Humanity, even those not in Imperial control. They however do submit to certain aspects to authority like gene seed tithes and blanketing call to arms to avoid Imperial scrutiny, as long as it does not infringe on their independence and way of life. So although they feel that the people come first, they do have some obligations to authority that they cannot avoid.

[Bloodstone]

Made adjustments discussed as above.