The Shadow Raptors Renegade Chapter

[BobbyDaBlue]

Well heres my first DIY chapter any comments and critics welcome. some names and dates I haven't figured out yet there marked with ????. Any advice on how to flush these guys out a bit more would be welcomed. I thought the Renegade angle would be fun. Maybe in a few years I will make them fall to Chaos through unstable gene seed or something. Anyways

Thanks!

The Shadow Raptors

----Parent Chapter----

The Raven Guard

----Home planet----

Drost, Vidar Sector (Destroyed by the Inquisition) Currently exploring the northern edges of Imperial space in the Space Fleet Perseverance.

----Battle tactics----

As a successor chapter naturally much of the Raven Guards battle philosophy is shared with the Shadow Raptors. The Shadow Raptors

specialize in guerrilla warfare, moving behind enemy lines with unrivaled stealth, and striking with precise application of force. The Shadow Raptors low numbers also mean that they cannot afford a standard fight so they avoid front line battles at all cost.

----Chapters founding----

In ????? a Raven Guard Company traveled to the planet Drost in the Vidar Sector to assist the local PDF in repelling a Chaos splinter war band that had arrived with out warning and began to mercilessly assault the main hive cities. The High Lords of Terra Realized that a permanent solution was needed in the Vidar Sector and so The Shadow Raptors were born. Since the Raven Guard was the closest Space Marine Assets in the area. They were ordered to provide a handful of veterans to oversee the training of the newly forged Chapter. The Shadow Raptors primary mission was to protect the neighboring sectors and imperial shipping lanes that have been constantly harassed by the ever increasing renegade Chaos fleets.

----Current Strength----

183 battle brothers with limited Vehicle assests. The Shadow Raptors numbers have slightly grown since the destruction of the home world, due to a unknown source of constant available gene seed.

The former PDF soldiers that survived the destruction of there home world have contuined to protect the civilians of the Ill fated planet Drost and often fight side by side The Shadow Raptors. Re-named The 1st Perseverance Army they are far from the modest PDF Soldiers that they were before the fall of Drost. Their experiences and superb training given to them by The Shadow Raptors have made them a superb fighting force. Currently they have a standing force of +4,000 troopers as volunteers from the civilian populace are never in short supply.

----The Fleet Perseverance----

The Fleet Perseverance is made up of 19 large space vessels that survived the destruction of the Planet Drost. Most of the of the vessels are civilian transport freighters that have been re-structed over the years to the hold thousands of civilians in makeshift mini hives inside the non-crital areas of the ships.

There are two battle barges (the battle barge Tempest of Wrath along with three 1st Perseverance Army destroyers were also destroyed when the fleet was caught by surprise by a large hostile Black Templar Armada) and they are the main weapons of the Fleet. Supplemented by three 1st Perseverance Army Destroyers and two smaller gun boats. Over the years the civilian freighters have been modified and armed with a modest array of weapons, however not wanting to engage in prolonged space battle the Fleet does its best to avoid populated space unless there running low on supplies.

Civilian life aboard the fleets modified freighters is a simple one consisting of almost no luxuries due to the almost constant shortage of supplies. Hydroponic gardens keep a healthy ration of food flowing across the fleet (this wasn't the case when the fleet was struggling to survive its first few years detached from the Imperium, where food was almost always dangerously low and hundreds starved), most civilians work as Hydroponic farmers or in the small industrial forges building and maintaing the fleets weapons and equipment. Days are bleak for most but when everyday is spent running from the Inquisitorial war machine one can be grateful just to be alive.

----Relation to The Imperium and the Forces of Chaos----

Declared Renegade by the Inquisition. They are constantly evading imperial patrols on the edge of imperial space, however they will assist non-hostile Imperial Planets and fleets in exchange for supplies and equipment. The Shadow Raptors will not work with or assist anyone who has sworn there allegiance to the Powers of Chaos.The Shadow Raptors have been known from time to time to conduct raids against Imperial out posts and supply depots when the fleet is critically low on supplies. This however is done with as little as blood shed as possible and only in extreme situations.

----Hated Enemies of The Shadow Raptors----

The Forces of the Chaos God Nurgle, The Inquisition, Grey Knights, and The Black Templars.

----The Shadow Raptors use of Apothecaries----

Even though The Shadow Raptors have only 184 Battle Brothers they have a standing force of 10 Apothecaries. When not assisting with battlefield duties the Apothecaries are constantly searching for a way to cleanse the chapter of the still lingering effects and taint of the Plague that lead to the destruction of there home world.

It is rumored that there is an abundance of gene-seed locked away in restricted areas that only the Chapter Master Librarian Mordecai and the honored Apothecaries are allowed access too, where does the abundance of Gene-Seed comes from? Why is the gene-seed Vault locked away and hidden in secrecy from even the most senior veterans? No one seems to know and few within the chapter seem to care.

----Events that lead to their exile from the Imperium----

Drost was a extremely prosperous mild climate planet that while under the short rule of the Shadow Raptors thrived. Shortly after The Shadow Raptors reached a complete Chapters strength a horrible plague broke out on the eastern side of Drost. Its Victims would suffer slow painful deaths that rotted the victim from the inside out over the period of four or five months. As soon as the victims would expire the corpse would rise and desire human flesh. Mass murder and destruction spread throughout Drost. Seeing that the handful of Shadow Raptors stationed at the Fortress Monastery could not deal with the spreading plague Chapter Master Gideon Lutalo sends out a request for aid. Since the majority of the Shadow Raptors were located at different locations in nearby sectors patrolling the Shipping lanes for Chaos Raiders, almost the entire chapter was able to respond in a quick manner. By the time the reinforcements arrived almost 3/4 of the Shadow Raptors Stationed at the Fortress Monastery including the Chapter master were dead.

Great tears in the warp opened up and hordes of plauge bearers poured out along with other unspeakable horrors belonging to the Chaos God Nurgle. Over 1/3 of human population was killed or turned into shambling undead servants. As the Shadow Raptors battled the foul forces of Chaos the majority of the warriors became infected with the hideous plague. No one was spared, seeing himself, his warriors, and Drost slowly falling prey to the horrors of the Plague the recently promoted Chapter Master Raiko Indra orders his brightest Apothecaries to secretly develop a cure by any means necessary.

By studying and extracting samples from the corpses of the undead the Apothecaries were able to develop a way to permanently halt the spread of the Plague in the victims body. In most cases the infection would not die but be halted from traveling any further in the body. With no other options besides a slow rotting death Chapter Master Indra Orders the entirety of the Shadow Raptors to be injected with the "cure". The vaccine was also passed out in mass to Drost's surviving PDF and civilian population. Many millions still perished even with the vaccine and many more only survived by the careful amputations of limbs. With new found strength The Shadow Raptors destroyed the Warp Spawned Daemons and began the purge of the undead that were scattered across the planet.

Drost was saved, over Half the human population survived and Drost was being re-built to its former glory. Deciding that a Investigation must be conducted due to the daemonic incursion the forces of the Grey knights and the Inquisition arrive three years later. An Investigation of the survivors DNA reveled a horrible secret, the blood of every single human and battle brother injected with the plague vaccine contained traces of fowl warp sorcery. Physical side effects were also common within the survivors, many completely lost their eye sight without the aid of augmetics, many more became completely resistant to disease, All however seemed to have a decreased reaction to physical pain. The Grey Knights and the Inquisition declare that the taint of Chaos was to strong and unholy sciences were preformed to create the cure. It is decided that Drost must be purged including the Shadow Raptors.

Enraged by the Inquisition's decision Drost goes to arms and stands their ground against the might of the Inquisition and the Grey Knights. Massive space battles are fought saving most of the planet from orbital bombardment. Imperial ground forces are deployed and begun to saluter Drost's PDF by the thousands. The Shadow Raptors form massive defense lines around the main hive cities and the Fortress Monastery. Even with all there might they cannot hope to hold off the unstoppable force of the Grey Knights for long. Seeing the planets defenses fall all around them Chapter Master Indra orders his Cheif Librarian Abner Mordecai to take the majority of the remaining battle brothers and ensure that as many civillians are evacuated as possible as well as evacuating themselves. The remaining ground and naval forces executed a daring but suicidal counter attack to buy the evacuation force time to escape. Even with the suicidal counter attack many refugee ships are still caught and destroyed while trying to make the transition to warp space. Only a handful of ships and three battle barges survive.

Out of a planet that once had trillions of people, a 2 million strong PDF, and housed an entire chapter of space marines only approximately 8,000 civillians, 3,000 PDF soldiers, and 114 space marines survived. Now the Shadow Raptors travel the edges of Imperial space with a ragtag space fleet of survivors. With no home, or allies, and declared renegades The Shadow Raptors have made it there primary goal to protect their civilian passengers and find a way to cleanse themselves of the warp sorcery that taints them all.

[voi shet magir]

Ok, it has a story, but not too much, and you do not put in bad details so I can just assume they are cool instead of reading a pile of half baked ideas. I'll say I like them; it is true, I do.

 

You do not have to make them renegades, you know. Inquisitors themselves should be fairly in awe of space marines, so even if he had the good cause and the influence to excommunicate this super valuable resource, that might never even occur to him.

 

Then space marines are supposed to be inhumanly dedicated or heartless, eg white panthers. They probably could trust that the Inquisitor is a professional and a good servant of the Emperor, so if he says the world has to burn then it probably does. Naturally, when they were first fighting the zombies, they quarantined a big population and took them off planet, so those are the refugees and Perseverance army.

 

The renegade part is not so great. Unfair persecution is not as interesting as victims of fate who courageously bear up under misfortune and comport themselves righteously.

 

That is my advice. Also, do not feel the need to add dumb details like their chainsword grips being a specific color because the homeworld practiced space-daoism. That crap is for regulars.

[BobbyDaBlue]

Ok, it has a story, but not too much, and you do not put in bad details so I can just assume they are cool instead of reading a pile of half baked ideas. I'll say I like them; it is true, I do.

 

Reply=You have some very vaild points that im looking into thank you for the critique.

 

You do not have to make them renegades, you know. inquisition themselves should be fairly in awe of space marines, so even if he had the good cause and the influence to excommunicate this super valuable resource, that might never even occur to him.

 

Reply=Yes this is very true as I think about it I doubt the inquisition would be so quick to Exterminate an entire chapter because they fought some zombies. Im thinking about Tweaking the story to have the Plague take a few months to kill there victims and the entirety of the planet and the chapter becomes infected. Then saying that the cure was derived from some part of the zombies/ Plague bearers and that while it cures you of the plague it has some kind of side effect, altering them physically. That way when the inquisition shows up there an actual reason that they deem the Populace and the Chapter is tainted (kinda like the Flame Falcons who were butchered by the Grey Knights because some of there marines developed a kind of ghost fire. http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Flame_Falcons#.UBUDNRwhr-g ). Any Ideas on what the Physical side effect might be or if this is even a feasible idea?

 

[Then space marines are supposed to be inhumanly dedicated or heartless, eg white panthers. They probably could trust that the Inquisitor is a professional and a good servant of the Emperor, so if he says the world has to burn then it probably does. Naturally, when they were first fighting the zombies, they quarantined a big population and took them off planet, so those are the refugees and Perseverance army.

 

Reply=This is great idea about evacuating the populace before the plague breaks and it makes pretty good sense, I however ending up playing Grey Knights for about 60% of my games so im transferring my bitterness of the GKs to my chapter. The whole reason I started a backstory for my marines was mostly just to have a valid reason for fight Grey Knights all the time.

 

The renegade part is not so great. Unfair persecution is not as interesting as victims of fate who courageously bear up under misfortune and comport themselves righteously.

 

That is my advice. Also, do not feel the need to add dumb details like their chainsword grips being a specific color because the homeworld practiced space-daoism. That crap is for regulars.

 

Reply=did i do anything like that? Once again thank you for the critique, Im going to keep the Renegade part per personal preference and my bitterness toward Grey Knights. But I am going to take your advice about inquisition not being so quick to wax an entire chapter, so Im going to weave in a very very valid reason why there deemed unsalvageable. Oh do you happen to have any good ideas for time lines?Thanks for the review!

[CantonWC]

"And lo, Canton wailed and gnashed his teeth in despair, for he his doom was come. And the wall of text crushed the life from him."

 

Some paragraph breaks would be helpful.

 

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Seems like a pretty standard "Inquisition is Evil/Jumps the gun with their investigation and needlessly destroys/turns another Chapter renegade" shtick. Again. Not much I can comment on beside that.

[BobbyDaBlue]

"And lo, Canton wailed and gnashed his teeth in despair, for he his doom was come. And the wall of text crushed the life from him."

 

Some paragraph breaks would be helpful.

 

-----

 

Seems like a pretty standard "Inquisition is Evil/Jumps the gun with their investigation and needlessly destroys/turns another Chapter renegade" shtick. Again. Not much I can comment on beside that.

 

Reply=True the wall of text is a bit scary I will try to break it up a bit. Has this been over done? What is a good way to make it stand out? I really want to keep the renegade angle though. What if I made an actual nasty flaw that would justify the Inquisition's decision and make it not so one sided and clear cut. I play allot of Grey Knights and I want a reason why I fight them all the time without making my chapter completely evil. Thanks for the review!

[CantonWC]

Has this been over done?

 

Pretty much.

 

What is a good way to make it stand out?

 

I dunno.

 

I haven't done much reading of the most recent Grey Knights codex. I dunno what's... changed. I prefer to keep in my head the image of Grey Knights as pure, ultimate good guy warriors. The Grey Knights are only called in when :P gets serious. So, by default this Chapter is evil.

 

 

If it helps, your Chapter could be engaged in very dubious behavior and refuses to admit their guilt. That denial of truth could be interesting. It would be better than the usual mustache-twirling Inquisitor who screws over Chapters for... what?

 

"Asking questions is Heresy!"

[BobbyDaBlue]

Has this been over done?

 

Pretty much.

 

What is a good way to make it stand out?

 

I dunno.

 

I haven't done much reading of the most recent Grey Knights codex. I dunno what's... changed. I prefer to keep in my head the image of Grey Knights as pure, ultimate good guy warriors. The Grey Knights are only called in when ;) gets serious. So, by default this Chapter is evil.

 

 

If it helps, your Chapter could be engaged in very dubious behavior and refuses to admit their guilt. That denial of truth could be interesting. It would be better than the usual mustache-twirling Inquisitor who screws over Chapters for... what?

 

"Asking questions is Heresy!"

 

Very good points, I trimmed some of the redundant crap to slim it down a bit and added some breaks to make it an easier read. Added a valid reason why the Inquisition decided to purge the Chapter so its not as you said the typical mustache-twirling Inquisitor bit and added a bit more darkness to the Shadow Raptors. I think its turning into a believable chapter now, what do you think?