The Emperor`s Storm

[TheGreatChonricler]

The Emperor`s Storm

 

Part I

 

Drop-pods hit the ground in righteous fury. As five Dreadnoughts charged out heavy bolters blazing and under slung flamers roaring. Indiscriminate on killing the heretical cultist. The first Dreadnought a Mortis pattern to charge out of the drop-pods, bounded forward it`s four heavy bolters causing blood to form clouds temporally. As traitor PDF turned there auto-guns onto the Dreadnought their slugs merely bounced off the thick armour of the Mortis pattern Dreadnought. More Drop-pods landed into the ground with a loud thud Torrent squads rushing out engaging their jump packs and firing their bolters as they took off. Over the vox channels war cries and catechisms spurred forth. As chaplains inspired marine and Dreadnought a like. After a downpour for three standard Terran hours the drop-pods ceased to fall form the heavens but in their place came thunder hawks and storm birds. Soon the gun fire and killing subsided and the remaining space marines and Dreadnoughts gathered around into formations forming rank and file. To watch the company banners of the 7TH, 11TH, and 4TH companies to touch ground in which the force commander dismissed them to prescribed covers and firing positions. Odysseus`s Torrent squad was ten men strong.

The sergeant knew all them since childhood he practicably raised most of them his jump pack still warm he was a highly decorated veteran. With a Valour crest atop his MK IV helmet he also had close to eight purity seals if not more and honours for very hard fought victories on his gray and steel coloured power armour. His bolter was a master crafted Umbra pattern passed down to him by his Gene-seed ancestor. He searched long days for the tales of his Gene ancestors all of them brave space marine commanders in their own rights. The more he found out about his MK VI left shoulder pad but more importantly his Umbra pattern bolter`s history in the legendary hours heresy. The more he could not part with it. Soon his squad arrived to their position in a warn down building taking the top floor to rain down holy botler rounds unto the enemy.

 

 

Let me now what you think so far i am open to critiques

[Pavement Artist]

It's promising, however i would urge you to post a little more to allow us to critique the piece more thoroughly. This seems to be barely a page of a Word document and it's terribly unfair to get us excited and then end so soon :P

 

First of all, i must ask if English is your first language? Some of your sentences are a little off in terms of their structure and it affects the overall flow of the piece. For example: "The sergeant knew all them since childhood he practicably raised most of them his jump pack still warm he was a highly decorated veteran."

 

Thats all one sentence as you've written it there, but it jumps between three different topics, making it read rushed and fragmented. A more reader friendly way of putting it would be something like: "The sergeant surveyed his men. He knew them all from their days as neophytes, he had practically raised them from childhood. His Jetpack was still warm, a heat haze issuing from the exhaust vents."

 

That's a small example and not necessarily the best, but i hope you understand my meaning. In my version, you still have the basic content of what you wrote, except we have separated it into separate sentences, and expanding on each point. This helps with the flow of the sentence, as opposed to reading it in one big gasping breath as it was before.

 

Sorry if this came across as harsh. The flow of your writing is one of the most important things to sort out when writing for an audience. If the pacing feels odd, then the audience is drawn out of the story, regardless of how good the content is. As a suggestion, maybe try reading over your stuff before posting up, approaching as a reader would. Ask yourself, does it sound right in your head? Does everything flow as it should?

 

I hope to read more soon :lol:

[TheGreatChonricler]

Thanks, it didn`t come across as harsh. I found it very helpful English is my first tongue but as i put my first tongue. I am the equivalent of a real life commissar but a terrible grammatical person.

 

i am still working on finding out how fonts and styles work with another story. But I am also trying to think of a plot line to follow instead of me spending two days trying to write a paragraph. Which is why i dont wirte much.