Brotherhood

[CaptainLNH]

Brotherhood- A Deathwatch Story

 

http://i1079.photobucket.com/albums/w520/PaladinZenaku/captianLHN.jpg

 

Characters:

Brother Democritus- Scythes of the Emperor

Brother Nathaniel- Lightning Warriors (the one in the drawing)

Brother Jonathan- Genesis Chapter

 

 

 

---Notice to Reader----

This story is somewhat lengthy, and as such is divided into three 'parts' to make reading easier.

 

 

 

Part 1 Mission... Elimination

 

(Pleas note that the first few paragraphs, until you reach Nathaniel thinking, are the work of Bogus, a member of this forum and the creator of Democritus.)

 

 

Brother Democritus strode through the empty hab-district, his enhanced form towering over the trade stalls. An alien stillness settled over the district. Cooking fires continued to burn, unattended. Dust in the air refracted the dim light from the hive’s dawn cycle.

Reciting the Right of Activation to appease the machine spirit housed inside, he lowered his bolter into its familiar ready stance.

 

The intel provided by the Inquisitor's acolytes had been correct. Deep within the bowels of the hive, a genestealer cult bred and multiplied in the darkness.

 

In his mind, he replayed the now familiar signs of a genestealer infestation. If only they had known what they know now! The rebellions his chapter quashed time and again on the Eastern Fringe weren't merely the power plays of mad governors or the "liberations" of revolutionaries. They were the precursor to a Tyranid attack! Quickly he shut down such thoughts. What's done is done. After all, Sotha lives, if but a shadow of its former glory. For now, he needed to remain aware.

 

Pausing, he silently motioned for Brother Nathaniel to take position on his right flank. With practised ease, the battle brother moved into position. The hum of his plasma gun and the crackling of the cooking fires were the only audible sounds to be heard for meters around. Even the heavy footfalls of the armored warriors seemed muffled by the stifling quiet.

 

Democritus considered his options. He predicted attack at any moment, but from where? Since he and his battle brothers, members of the Deathwatch, made planet fall the going had been difficult. The cult had made many inroads into the political and military structure of the planet. Many of the doors normally open to an astartes in service to the Emperor of Mankind had been closed for him and his brothers. While not entirely unusual, it was extremely uncommon for a space marine to not be treated as the honored saviour they are.

 

The intelligence provided by Inquisitor Praetus did not indicate how deeply the cult had managed to entrench itself. Judging by personal experience, Democritus inferred the cult must have recently reached the fourth generation of breeding. He supposed this based on the formation of the Brotherhood of Light, a cult lacking the approval of the Ecclesiarchy. Originally, the Ordo Hereticus inquisitor was investigating their threat to the local Ministorum when it’s darker purpose was uncovered. Only fourth generation hybrids possessed a passable human form along with the enhanced powers its unholy birth conferred.

 

Many locals began flocking to the cults teachings, preaching salvation and lasting life to those who embrace “the Way.” Overtime, the cult has been discovered to have have sunk it’s tendrils into the local government and PDF. Though not entirely enthrall to the foul xenos, the threat the Brotherhood stood was readily apparent.

 

“Brother-Sergeant Henryk, Brother Democritus reporting. Brother Nathaniel and I have located a likely nesting ground of the xenos filth.” The transmission went unanswered. It was not uncommon for such interference to exist further down-hive, but this was cause for concern on the part of the battle brother.

 

The monotone of Nathaniel’s vox-synthesiser crackled in. +++Brother, the rest of Squad Delta does not respond to my signals+++ The monotone of his communicator did nothing to hide the true meaning of Brother Nathaniel’s statement -- they would be going at this alone.

 

 

It was only thanks to the superhuman senses of a space marine that Democritus predicted the incoming blow of the mutant.

 

Though fast, the monstrosity that dropped from the higher balconies could never hope to match the superior combat prowess of an astartes. Deftly, Brother Democritus unsheated his combat blade in one fluid motion. Bringing it upwards into the the half-breed's body, Democritus watched with grim satisfaction as the mono-edge of the knife followed through the rest of the creature's torso, severing two of its four limbs.

 

With the brief time available, the battle brother quickly confirmed what he had suspected: they did indeed stumble upon one of the xenos half-breed nests. The four limbed monstrosity at his feet was evidence of that. To the untrained eye, it would appear to be a genestealer filth. Thanks to the hard won experience the brother marine possessed, he easily identified it as one of the first generation offspring of the infestation that had slowly gripped the planet.

 

He opened a vox channel to Brother Nathaniel, but closed it immediately. With admiration Democritus observed his battle brother dug into his firing position. The marine had already joined battle with the rapidly approaching horde of hybrids. Each calculated shot from his plasma gun ended several of the xenos hybrids at a time.

 

Adding the fire power from his holy boltgun to the hail of plasma death that Brother Nathaniel's weapon projected, the two marines thinned what they could of the horde as it closed upon the entrenched astartes.

 

Many of the lesser hybrids fell to the combined arms fire the space marines poured into their ranks. These first and second generation hybrids slowly eroded to reveal the more cunning of the spawn: hybrids that began to look more and more human in appearance.

 

The mutants were more clever and cunning as well. Utilising weapons of the Imperium, they took cover amongst the many dilapidated buildings and junked transports that populated the hab-block, they took calculated and organized measures to return fire from antiquated lasguns and scavenged autoguns. Though their primitive and unreliable weapons would provide little threat to power armor, the marine analyzed the situation. Democritus could tell they were trying to encircle them, to cut them off from being able to retreat while also providing a corridor for future assault.

 

The beleaguered marines would need to think quickly, as even their superior prowess could easily be overwhelmed by such a lesser foe.

 

Brother Democritus opened a vox link to Brother Nathaniel.

 

Intelligence…. Strategy…. He could feel it…… Though it was not the cunning and ruthless efficiency of the Hive mind, Brother Nathaniel could see the signs of an advanced Tyranid mind. Then his thought was interrupted by Democritus’ vox link opening…

 

+….Brother, the later generation spawn are coming forth, they will surround us soon if we don’t act. …..+

 

+… When I move, follow my lead. …+ Nathaniel uttered sub-vocally into the link.

 

What? Thought Democritus as he received Nathaniel’s brief reply. Move where? They are surrounding us. Then a surge of mutants began to charge from cover, splitting to attack both Marines. The gibbering slobbering mob was scythed down in moments by his bursts of fire, each Kraken bolt tearing through multiple Xenos before exploding another. As he dispatched the last of the mob as they stumbled over the remains of their fellow spawn, Democritus saw what Nathaniel had meant…

 

The mutants had charged because Nathaniel’s plasma gun had overheated, it was emitting an iridescent glowing steam from the vents surrounding the aperture. Then it he realized it was not heat venting, but a charge build up…. it was a feint designed to draw them in…

 

He could feel the heat through his armour, and it felt good. The filth were charging at him in tightly packed mob, he guessed a score at least, but it mattered not. He raised the plasma gun to his shoulder and aimed for the center front of the mob…

 

Blinding light surged across the space from the tip of Nathaniel’s plasma gun. The burning blue bolt moved like a blur and hit with expert precision. The entire front half of the horde was obliterated, flesh and bone disintegrated as the plasma was unleashed in their midst. Gored bits and pulped burning flesh was all the remained of at least a dozen mutants….

 

Before the bolt had even struck, Nathaniel was moving, venting the heat from his gun and drawing his sword from it’s sheath. As he vaulted over the rubble he had been using as cover, he locked the now cool plasma gun to the magnet under his backpack and flicked the activation rune of his blade. Blue lightning flicked along the surface and a dangerous hum came forth.

 

The first mutant fell, a horizontal sweep separating the legs from the body. The second split from right shoulder to left hip by the return stroke. The third lost all four arms from the elbow down to a circular slash before Nathaniel’s armored gauntlet pulverized it’s skull. The fourth and fifth were blasted apart by shots from the bolt pistol that now occupied his left hand. And the last mutant lost it’s head to a horizontal strike before the return stroke severed it’s thighs…

 

Seeing Nathaniel draw his sword, Democritus drew his combat knife and charged towards the mutant lines. Bullets and beams bounced off his armor like tinny pebbles, as the majority of the fire had turned towards Nathaniel after he had presented a greater threat. As he ran, he held his bolter one handed, returning fire at the now retreating mutants…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2 Even Angels need a Savior

 

The stench, it would always stay with him. A normal human would mistake the odor to be one with the common street smells, but Democritus's superhuman senses could distinguish much more. Not always a good thing he thought. The stench of these dead mutated filth almost left a palpable taste in his mouth, but yet at the same time, it gave him satisfaction, because he could tell the smell of living Xenos from death Xenos. And these Xenos were most certainly dead.

 

 

He cast a glance towards Brother Nathaniel as he finished wiping his deactivated blade, and just for a second, he thought he saw the blade flicker with the sparks that adorned it in battle. Nathaniel then headed towards him, kicking a mostly intact corpse with obvious contempt.

 

 

"+... Two nests found and two eliminated Brother. One more and we should be able to triangulate an approximate position for the main nest....+" Brother Nathaniel stated bluntly.

 

"Yes Brother, then we can put an end to this strain of filth." Democritus replied.

 

Nathaniel came to a stop near him and cast his gaze at the surroundings as he spoke again.

"+...Strange though, I expected the number of Xenos at this nest to be similar to the other we cleansed. Yet there were far less than I anticipated. Perhaps they........+"

Democritus was about to lecture Nathaniel about finishing sentences properly, when he saw that Nathaniel was looking towards the corner behind him. He followed Nathaniel's gaze and saw what had captured his attention. Spent bolter casings, but not from Democritus's weapon.

 

Almost at the same moment, they both razed their weapons and cautiously approached the corner. Nathaniel positioned himself next to the far wall, plasma gun trained down the length of the alley. Seeing no threats, Democritus went to one knee and picked up a casing. A standard bolter round, but when he rolled it in his fingers, the I of the inquisition was engraved. The rest of the squad Democritus realized.

"+... Brother...+" Nathaniel stated with almost a hint of apprehension.

When Democritus looked where he was pointing, he saw the other end of the alley decorated in Xenos gore and impact marks from rounds. Lines in the blood betrayed that the corpses had been dragged away. Another part of the squad must have passed through here, and had quite a fight from the looks of it. But why had they not cleansed the nest he wondered.

 

Then the relative quite that had descended as a result of their fight was broken by distinctive crack of live rounds being fired from a weapon all Astartes recognized.

 

"Bolter" they both said at once, and they set off towards the source of the sound at a run, weapons at the ready.

 

His twin hearts pumped in time with his running strides, the blood they spread through his body was not only his own, but of the chapter, the Primarch, and the Emperor himself. It was for another of the Emperor's blood who they raced to find.

 

Democritus and Nathaniel had run a whole three blocks of the city, making strait for the echoing bolter fire. As time had passed they determined that it was but a single Brother who was fighting the Xenos, a member of one of the other teams. If they got to him in time, they would have an even stronger force, and they would potentially save him and hopefully the other member of his team.

 

Democritus was on point, Nathaniel a few meters back and to his right. The fire was very close now, and Democritus held up his hand to signal a less reckless approach. They moved and walked quickly with their backs to the wall. He could now hear other weapons being fired, lasguns and autoguns, no doubt wielded by the more humanoid hybrids. As they approached a corner, he saw flashes of weapons fire on the walls. Stopping at the corner, he cast a glance over his shoulder. Nathaniel nodded and raised his plasma gun. Democritus checked his Bolter, and then readied himself.

 

3... 2... 1...

 

He wheeled around the corner, bolter seeking targets, and the situation resolved before his eyes. A single Brother was returning fire at the xenos scum from behind a pile of collapsed masonry. A chimera transport burned from its crash position in the corner of the structure, obviously the cause of the collapse. several dead PDF troopers lay around the open hatches, and the the rest of the courtyard was filled with aliens. Dead xenos of various hybrid stages lay all over the courtyard, their living counterparts returning fire with their salvaged weapons from various cover.

 

As they approached effective weapons range, a swarm of Xenos filth charged out of their hiding places and rushed the Battle Brother. While running forwards, Democritus held his bolter in his right hand, reaching for a Frag from his belt with his left. The bolter bucked in his hand when he squeezed the trigger, and the blessed rounds flew true, pulping and blasting apart at least a dozen mutants, while Nathaniel's plasma bolts flew over his shoulder vaporized torsos and limbs, but it barely dented their numbers. This added to the fire the Brother was pumping into the swarm only stalled them for a moment. As they closed the distance, Democritus beat them to it. Thumbing the frag grenade, he did a forward roll coming to rest right next to the Brother, and behind the masonry pile. Just as he came to a stop, the grenade flew from his hand and sailed right over the heads of the oncoming xenos. The detonation was devastating. The shrapnel from the blast pulped and mutilated their foul bodies, tearing and shredding, as the shock wave burst eardrums and shoved downwards form it's high position. Despite the serious drop in numbers, the swarm came on, right into Nathaniel's charge. He hit them like a thunderbolt, sword drawn and pistol blazing, he met the incoming charge with a furious determination. But he was not alone, Democritus and Jonathan, for he could now see the Genesis Chapter symbol on his shoulder, fired at their bolters in the mutants, one to Nathaniel's left and the other to his right. Thus keeping him from becoming surrounded.

 

 

This was one of the moments he lived for. One of those moments of clarity that seemed to make time slow it's rapid advance. If he could have, Nathaniel would have laughed. Despite the notable speed of genestealers, these mutants were just not fast enough. His blade sang of it's own accord, it's machine spirit laughed for him with every strike. This was not a time for finesse or skill, it was reaping time, efficiency of motion and speed would be key to survival. His every blow scythed through the oncoming swarm, chopping heads, arms, and bodies, like a heated blade through butter, those not slain outright suffered the debilitating after effect of contact with the blade. But Nathaniel was not a fool, he knew he could not take them all himself, but he knew that Democritus would remedy that situation. Then he heard the bark of bolters behind him, and the creatures to both sides were ripped apart by the righteous bolts. He brought up his own pistol and fired it from the hip, adding to the fusillade.

 

 

Then Jonathan began to recite the Catechism of the Xenos, and Democritus joined him, "To be Unclean, That is the Mark of the Xenos, To be Impure, That is the Mark of the Xenos, To be Abhorred, That is the Mark of the Xenos, To be Reviled, That is the Mark of the Xenos, To be Hunted, That is the Mark of the Xenos, To be Purged, That is the Fate of the Xenos, To be Cleansed, For that is the Fate of all Xenos".... Just as they finished the last two stanzas, the assault faltered, though his pistol had run dry, and both of his Brother's had reloaded during the recitation, the damage they had wrought had left Nathaniel surrounded by mutilated xenos corpses, so many that even the enhanced mutants struggled to maneuver to reach him, and when they did he struck them down with all the skill and fury of one of the Emperor's own.

 

 

Then the mutants broke off the attack, and their gun wielding counterparts opened fire once more. Now with a better vantage point, Democritus put his bolter skills to good use, picking off gun armed mutants with single shots, and then he realized that Jonathan was returning fire with his bolt pistol. As he reached for his next clip, he glanced over and saw why. Jonathan's bolter had been struck by a heavy autogun right on the muzzle, bending the aperture such that if he were to fire it, it would have blown up in his face. "I was on my last clip anyway." Jonathan said without looking. And Democritus smiled under his helmet before taking aim to resume firing. Just as he was about to continue firing, the rest of the mutants fled in various directions. No doubt a tactical retreat and regroup, Democritus thought to himself.

 

 

With all their enemies gone, the courtyard grew quiet, except for the smoldering remains of the chimera. Democritus rose and turned to Jonathan as he rose and examined his damaged bolter. "I think the Techmarines can remedy this." He said as he looked at the aperture. Then he pulled back the slide and ejected the magazine before offering it to Democritus. "Here, you will make more use of it than I will at the moment." "I will hold onto it for you." Democritus replied before stowing it in his pouch. Then he looked Jonathan in the eye. "Now, where is Sargeant Henryk?" "Down sir, about two blocks West of here. We had found what we believed to be the central nest of these filth, and judging by their response, the Sarge was right. Before we knew it, that swarm was coming down on us, and then they just came out of the shadows, full blood genestealers. There were about six of them, and we were trading places providing retreat fire, we killed several of the full bloods, and many more, but then a huge one, bigger than any I have ever seen landed on the Sarge. It must have jumped on him from above, because it knocked him flat to the ground, and then picked him up and threw him across the street like he was a child. He must of broken a leg or something, because he sounded in pain when he ordered me to fall back and find another team. And here you are, just in the nick of time too."

 

Democritus analyzed what Jonathan had said. A big genestealer could indicate a brood lord, not something he relished. "Thank you Brother, go check on Nathaniel for me while I plan our next course of action." Brother Jonathan was relieved, he could see it as he marched over to where Nathaniel was standing. Democritus understood, he would have been relieved to receive aid on the verge of death, for not even an Astartes could have survived that charge alone.

 

The smell, always repulsive and invasive, always alien. Though he had lost his voice on that fateful day, his nose worked just fine. Nathaniel stood there surrounded by the corpses of his enemies, and though they stank, it stank of success. They had beaten them off, and depleted their force, while they had gained. He thumbed the rune of his blade and the glow faded. It was completely spotless, where as he was covered in alien gore. While his enhanced hearing listened in on what Jonathan was saying with half his brain, the other half was preoccupied examining his combat readiness. No damage to his weapons, a few scratches and impact marks, but nothing serious, some exertion strain on his muscles, 10 min at most for recovery. Nathaniel thanked the spirit of his armor, and then he heard something that made his hearts jump a beat, "genestealer". The name of one of the most feared xenos in the galaxy, and the cause of this infestation. Good worthy combat foes, now if he could just clean off some of this alien gore.

 

Brother Jonathan finished, and then began walking towards him. Democritus is no doubt planning our next course of action, Nathaniel thought. "Well met Brother, is everything alright with you?" Jonathan said. "+... Yes Brother, I just need to clean some of this off....+" "Well, I think I can help with that." Jonathan replied. He then turned around and headed for the wrecked chimera. Nathaniel followed him, and Jonathan emerged from it bearing a flamer. "Too bad I didn't grab this before, might have come in handy." He chuckled. Nathaniel set his weapons on a clean piece of fallen masonry, and then stood before Jonathan with arms outstretched. Jonathan adjusted the flamer settings, and then stood a few meters away. "This should do it." He muttered to himself. Then he lit it up, and used the heat to burn away the blood and flesh, any burn marks unnoticeable on solid black plate. "+... Many thanks Brother, you might want to hang onto that, could come in handy...+"

 

"I think I will, I could at least use it as an explosive." He said to himself as much as to Nathaniel. Then Democritus walked up and put a foot on a dead mutant. "Jonathan, show us were you fought the full bloods."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 3 Death's Abode

 

It was dark, dark and dank, the ideal place for such foul creatures to reside, but also a combat nightmare. The entrance to underground sewer network was before them. Brother Jonathan had lead them to the site of his previous battle, but of Sargeant Henryk, there was little sign. Just spent bolter casings, and bloody ceramite chips from his armor. Democritus knew that he was dead, for fighting a broodlord one on one without serious close combat weapons was a death sentence, and Henryk had always been a bolter wielder. But now was not the time for mourning, now was time for action. "Nathaniel on point, Jonathan you take the rear." They both formed up and the three of them entered the dark hole that led too the sewers.

 

 

 

The tunnels were about five meters wide, just enough that two marines could walk at once, and they lead onwards at a gentle incline. A mere mortal would perhaps have been fearful, going into the heart of an enemy lair, in the pitch black, with the overpowering stench of Xenos habitation. But these were Astartes, and not any, but those with a gift for exactly this sort of combat. The further they went, the more uneasy Democritus felt, they should have been engaged by now, it was too easy. Then as if confirming his suspicions, Nathaniel stopped and raised his left hand, signaling to stop. He then dropped to one knee and leveled his plasma gun. Democritus stayed standing, but racked the slide on his bolter. He waited, and listened for something, but all he heard was the slow dripping of water, and Jonathan breathing quietly. "Do you hear something Nathaniel?" he asked. "+.... They are coming, at least four in front, three behind....+" At that, Jonathan turned around and readied the flamer he had salvaged. Democritus scanned the tunnel, auto senses searching for targets in the dark. Even with thermal and night vision, the sheer darkness and the many reflections caused by the flowing water, made it difficult to see. Then, a flash of movement on the edge of his vision, followed by a plasma bolt. The bolt lit the chamber for a split second before impact, and Democritus saw them, Five genestealers one of which was crawling on the ceiling using its clawed hands. The one that had been the blur he had seen was struck by the plasma bolt square in the chest, and vaporized. The rest, knowing they were spotted, rushed them. Democritus opened up on full auto, and fired in random zigzag patterns, lighting the tunnel with flashes of light. He had fought them before, and knew that they were fast as hell, and could dodge even bolter rounds. One jinked away from his shots, only to be hit by another burst, and its chest was torn apart by the explosive rounds, another was hit in the arm, but came on anyway. Nathaniel had switched to his pistol and sword, and added shots of his own, driving them into his bursts. Anther went down, having avoided a pistol round, but at this close a range, it failed to avoid his last burst.

 

 

 

With only moments to spare, Democritus drew his combat blade and took a ready stance. He heard the sound of the flamer, followed by an inhuman howl of agony, and a hateful screech. Two genestealers reached them, one going for Nathaniel, who activated his blade, the blue glow giving light now that the shots had stopped. The creature facing Democritus launched itself at him from the ceiling, reaching forth with it's deadly claws. He batted one aside with his bolter, and caught another with his blade, the others reached for his face and throat, but he had expected this. As it lunged, and he blocked the first two arms, he swung his leg up, between him and the beast, before kicking savagely. His kick came just in time, the lethal claws inches from his gorget. He was rewarded with a crunching sound, as the thing's ribs broke from the force. Undeterred, it came again, leaping high and coming down on top of him. With all the speed he could muster, he lifted his left hand, blade first to meet it, and braced his bolter in his shoulder. Unable to change direction, it landed with a wet splat on the blade, sending xenos blood all down his arm and splattering across his front, and shoving his arm down with it's weight. But it still attacked, claws raking his arm in an attempt to escape, before he pulled the trigger, splattering it's brains along the ceiling, and leaving it's head a crumpled mess. He dropped the corpse to the ground, and wrenched his blade free.

 

 

 

His foe dead, he turned to help Jonathan, just in time to see a genestealer tackle him to the ground. He lost his grip on the flamer, and began to bludgeon the monster as it drove its claws into his chest. He cried out, and seized the beast by the neck with both hands, before twisting it violently. A wet snap, and the thing went limp. Democritus ran over, and keeping his bolter aimed down the tunnel, he used his knife to lift the body off of Jonathan. Jonathan's head turned towards him. "Thanks Brother." Democritus grasped his arm and helped him to his feet. He then looked at his chest, several puncture wounds, some some deep enough to reach flesh. "Are you alright, it looks bad." He said. "I am alright, and you do not look so good yourself." Jonathan replied, indicating Democritus' arm. He lifted it and saw that his armor was now decorated by deep gouges and claw marks, he was lucky it had not penetrated. "Throne of Terra those things were fast." Jonathan stated. "+... Yes, but not fast enough....+" Nathaniel said as he walked over. Democritus glanced behind him, and saw the corpse of his foe was missing three arms, a leg, and half the head. "We need to keep moving, Nathaniel at the rear, I will take point." His orders set, Democritus headed off, continuing on their previous route.

 

 

They had traveled at least another 300meters through the tunnels, going further and further down. Since the genestealer attack, there had been no further contact. However, Democritus began to feel a sense of unease, tingling in the back of his mind. It grew as they journeyed farther, as if getting stronger. He dismissed it as merely memories of his previous encounters with these xenos, that was until Jonathan expressed the same sense of apprehension. Then something in his memories came back to him, broodlords were said to have psycic powers, which they used to control their broods, but also like other creatures of the Hive Mind, they would use this power to sow doubt and confusion amongst their enemies, pushing at their minds and inhibiting their actions. He shared this with Nathaniel and Jonathan, and received nods of acknowledgement. They had all been trained to steel their minds and souls against the depredations of the daemonic, and it would serve the same purpose here. Having now protected their minds, he ordered a final gear check, and satisfied that all was as ready as it could be, he lead the way, into the lair of the beast.

 

 

The stench was tremendous, not only the foul smell of xenos occupation, but also the smell of their rotting food, in this case, imperial citizens. The thought of it made Nathaniel's blood boil, it was time to put an end to this monster's life, no more of the Emperor's people would become it's prey. His bionic eye and auto senses switched back and forth between thermal and night vision, finding that neither made any difference in this new tunnel they had found, he switched them off, and settled for regular wavelength vision. Now he could really see how dark it was, it was probably one of the darkest places he had been. So deep was the blackness, that the only light came from the glowing of their helmet lenses, Democritus marked by red, Jonathan by green, and himself by blue. The three colors reflected slightly off of the flowing liquid in the tunnel, aiding his spatial awareness by marking the floor. Democritus must have decided it was to dark as well, for he requested that he use his power blade to give them some light. Nathaniel drew the blade, and holding it above his head, he flicked the activation rune. Immediately, soft blue light filled the space, revealing what lay within. Along the walls of the tunnel, were piles of bone, human skeletons, unceremoniously dumped in heaps, some still clinging to slowly rotting flesh. The sight made them all recoil, and Nathaniel decided to deactivate his sword, Democritus made no move to stop him, and motioned for them to continue on their way.

 

 

The sight had been quite disturbing, he had seen battlefields littered with the dead on several occasions, but this grisly celebration of the feeding of animal like beings was disgusting to the very core of his being. Though Democritus was also grateful for it, as it reminded him of humanities' superiority over these vile xenos. A litany of his chapter sprang to his mind, and he recited it to himself as they made their way along. "My armor is contempt, My shield is disgust, My sword is hatred, In the Emperor's name, Let none survive." Just as he finished, he stepped on something that crunched loudly in the tunnel, echoing in bizarre fashion. He looked down and lifted his foot, seeing the outline of a crushed xenos skull reflected in the red glow of his lenses.

 

 

"+.... Something is wrong....+" Nathaniel suddenly stated. "No it was just a xenos skull, nothing to worry about." He replied. "+... No, something is wrong, the echo didn't sound right....+" "What are you talking about?" Jonathan asked. "What exactly was wrong with the...."

 

Democritus stopped speaking as he had lifted his head. A mere thee feet from his face, were four red lights, with small green and blue lights mimicking them. Then with horrifying clarity, he realized he was looking into a pair of eyes, reflecting the light from their helmet lenses. For a fraction of a moment, the full weight of it's alien mind powers clashed with his mental training, he found that he lost all sense of time, but slowly, and painfully, he saw something moving in the reflection of those eyes. Jonathan was raising his pistol to fire, but it was too late.

 

 

 

The alien broke from it's attempted mind control, and went into action. Something strong hit him in the gut as he tried to turn his bolter. It knocked him backwards, and he felt the armor protecting the power cables of his abdomen crack. He then glanced off of something else in power armor, probably Jonathan, and he tumbled past the shape. Then the chamber was lit with blue light as Nathaniel activated his sword. Now he saw it, a hideous and brute looking genestealer, a head taller than a Space Marine, it was clearly a master among beasts. Four huge muscular arms came from its sides, all ending in horrible clawed hands. As if that wasn't enough, two puny arms reached from it's huge chest, bearing small but lethal looking blades, like some kind of talon. It's grotesque head was mostly occupied with a mouth lined with rows of razor edged teeth, and flicking drool, was a barbed tongue. The utter alienness of it would have been stunning to mortals. It moved again with astonishing speed for such a large beast. Jonathan had been scraped by Democritus as he was knocked flying, but had gotten back to one knee. He fired his bolt pistol at the monster, scoring three hits as it came at him, they tore chunks out of it's armored hide, and it unleashed a alien howl as it grabbed him. It's four huge arms latched around his shoulders and the top of his chest plate on either side of his neck. It lifted him, sinking the claws into his flesh, his armor offering no protection against the deadly claws. Then as Democritus rose and drew his knife, he wondered why Nathaniel had not attacked. He spared a look and saw him cutting down a genestealer that had come at them from behind. It was just enough of a distraction that he had no time to save Jonathan. The broodlord, slammed him to the tunnel floor and proceeded to stomp on his damaged chest plate. He died instantly, all of his internal organs crushed by the full force and mass of the thing. And his blood joined the flowing water. Anger rose in Democritus' chest at the death of his Brother, and he launched himself at the monster. Firing his bolter at point blank range into the massive bulk, blowing chunks of from its back, as it turned to meet him. Too late he tried to block a massive pair of arms, and he was hit full on the shoulder. He was sent spinning meters down the tunnel, landing hard on his back, and losing his grip on the bolter. He felt several of his ribs crack, and pain reducers flooded his system trying to compensate. He tasted blood in his mouth, and he rose, gripping his combat blade tightly, he went after it again, determined not to lose another Brother.

 

 

 

Nathaniel stared into the face of death, it had killed Jonathan, and pummeled Democritus. Now it was after him, he was ready, or so he thought. It charged, arms ready to strike, and Nathaniel let it. A pair swept in from the right, and he intercepted them with his blade, it bit into the flesh of it's arms, and he felt it impact on bone. But the speed of it's attack compared to the speed of his block meant it had not severed the grotesque hands. It recoiled from the touch of his blade, small burn marks surrounded the wound, a unique effect of the it's energy field. They paused for a moment, the thing looking warily at the blade and the lighting coursing over it's surface. Nathaniel took advantage of the momentary distraction, and unloaded with his pistol, scoring several hits. Despite having taken so many hits, it reacted with unbelievable speed, lashing out and knocking the pistol from his grasp, while sending a shock wave up his arm. Before he could recover, it swung again from the right, trying to grab the sword. Nathaniel put all the speed he could muster, and pivoted on his left foot, swinging clockwise, blade extended intending to slash open it's belly, or cut it in half. Rather than continue the attack, it somehow dodged back, barely a centimeter from the deadly blade. Then it lunged forward, unable to avoid it, and having his attack having failed, Nathaniel jumped towards it, and met it before it was ready, his shoulder connected with it's wounded chest, and it stumbled momentarily. Nathaniel was so close now, he could feel the force of the xenos's breath, and smell the rancid odor of its mouth. He looked right at it, eye to eye, and plunged his blade into it's abdomen. This close, it had no way to dodge, it roared in bestial pain as the blade went deep, and came out the back side, centimeters from severing it's spinal cord. Before he could withdraw his sword, it his him full force with all four arms simultaneously. He lost his grip, as he was flung away, before hitting the side of the tunnel, and tumbling to the floor face first. Warning runes flashed everywhere as his suit registered the tremendous damage to his armor. And his vision was filled with stars and static. He tried to rise, but fell again as he felt an overwhelming sense of pain. The blow had pushed his armor into his flesh, and it had penetrated his skin, causing his cells to clot the blood before it escaped. He summoned his strength, and rose to a kneeling position, before reaching for his only remaining weapon.

 

 

 

Democritus leaped, holding his knife in a reverse grip, aiming for the back of the creature's neck. It moved, just a little to fast though, and knocked him against the wall with a reverse sweep. Before he could move, it grabbed him by his fore arms, and the sides of his neck. It screamed in his face, and the talons on it's chest reached up, poised to puncture his neck and end his life. But he had strength yet, and saw his salvation, the hilt of Nathaniel's sword was sticking out of it's abdomen, glowing angrily with blue light. His legs free, he kicked the handle for all he was worth, and the blade sliced through it's flesh, emerging from the side in a spurt of blood lit by blue lighting. Despite the unbelievable damage, the beast persevered, and sunk the claws of it's hands into his flesh. He felt it, and the pain was tremendous, but there was nothing else he could do as it reared back for the kill.

 

 

 

His life flashed before his eyes, decades of service to the Emperor and the chapter, sadness and joy, loss and glorious victory, he remembered it all. But then, like a last flash of hope, he heard the phwump, of a plasma gun firing, and a bright blue bolt impacted on the beast's head, disintegrating it mere inches from his face, plasma molecules vaporising it's alien cells at the atomic level, and leaving not but a burnt stump of a neck where the head had been. The body went slack, releasing it's grip on him before falling backwards in a ruined heap. He sat in shock for a full minute, scarcely believing that he was still alive. He finally looked up, as Nathaniel reached down and picked up his sword. There in the pale blue light of Nathaniel's weapons, they looked at each other, having no need for words, if words could express such a thing. This was the true meaning of brotherhood. "+...The Emperor protects....+" Nathaniel stated aloud. "He does indeed Brother, he does in deed."

[CaptainLNH]

I forgot to mention that I want feedback on this, questions, comments, notification of errors, etc. Thanks

[CaptainLNH]

Eleven days and still no comments.... I am very curious to know what people think of the story. Please read and give some feedback.

 

Thanks

[CaptainLNH]

More than a month, and still no comments at all. I am seriously looking for advice/opinions of my writing, so could somebody say something?

[CaptainLNH]

Is it too long? Is there something wrong with it? Is the begining bad? Could somebody please say something?

[Leonaides]

Well, I liked it, but i cant really give you a proper critique at the moment... Write more.

[Messor]

It's a shame you went so long without a reply, but maybe folks were just rendered dumbstruck by the awesome! Joking aside, it may indeed have just been a lengthy read for people who just pop onto the forum for a quick tour of threads every so often. Maybe break it into two posts, or three? Two's probably enough, just so people won't balk at the time commitment of getting into such a healthy sized story. Great work, I say. Marines and their demeanor are portrayed in different ways all over the place, but you've nailed down a good one, and it was a fun read.

 

edit: and who's is the artwork? Its impressive!

[CaptainLNH]

Thank you Messor,

 

The artwork is mine, and Nathaniel is a character I use in a Deathwatch RPG with some friends.

 

Would splitting the story into part 1, part 2, part 3, etc. make it easier to read, maybe put links to each part at the top so people can read a part and then come back and read another?

 

 

Leonaides,

 

What did you mean by "write more," is something missing?

[Messor]

The artwork is mine, and Nathaniel is a character I use in a Deathwatch RPG with some friends.

 

Would splitting the story into part 1, part 2, part 3, etc. make it easier to read, maybe put links to each part at the top so people can read a part and then come back and read another?

 

Nice work then! A 3 part split with links sounds like a prime way to go.

[CaptainLNH]

Thanks again Messor,

 

I separated it, but either I am doing it wrong, or something is wrong with my settings on this thread, as I cannot get links to work, and some "center" bits are showing where they should not.

 

Any suggestions on how to fix it?

[Messor]

Thanks again Messor,

 

I separated it, but either I am doing it wrong, or something is wrong with my settings on this thread, as I cannot get links to work, and some "center" bits are showing where they should not.

 

Any suggestions on how to fix it?

 

Well it looks like you have at one rogue 'center' tag right in front of Part 1, which means another one somewhere else is taking credit for what that one should be doing. What I suggest you do is get the whole story in a text editor, word or word pad, then edit your first post down to JUST part 1, then make a new post for each following part. You can link to them using the quote function, quoting just the title "Part 2: etc". Make sense?

[CaptainLNH]

Thanks once again Messor,

 

I will fix it as soon as I have a chance

[PhilOfCalth]

So I managed to print this out and get it read after a few sessions on the train. Overall I like it. It's not predictable, which a rare for amateur writers, and it's some good solid action. I spotted a few things, but I would consider them opinions rather than real issues.

 

Generally each scene should be written from a single character's perspective. I've seen it work well your way from time to time, but it can often be confusing to the reader. I assume you would want Brother Nathaniel to be your main character, so most things would be from his perspective. However, it's always interesting to change it up every now and again.

Lightning Warriors is a completely made up chapter, I would enjoy a finite amount of background on it. You know a little, without distracting too much from the main story. I looked up the other two chapters, to help flesh out the characters for myself. Maybe that's just me though.

I didn't get the feeling that the inquisitor had an overall strategy in mind. It seemed like each 2 man squad was just searching for the main nest in a haphazard fashion. Was this on purpose?

I might be a bit stupid but (OK I might be a lot stupid but) how would they use 3 nests to triangulate the position of the main nest? I understand how triangulation works in wireless networks, but that doesn't really work unless you're somehow taking measurements of the strength of the hive mind at each location... Maybe...

I can't envision even the most blood thirsty and wild space marines referring to their superior as Sarge. They are a sworn brotherhood. maybe it's just me.

A human sized flamer would be small and awkward in a marines hands. Also most imperial guard flamers have the fuel stored on their backs. Perhaps you could mention these things.

You kept me guessing enough during the story that I was hoping for a twist at the end. It didn't come. Not that it didn't end well. Not complaining really, just thought I'd mention it.

 

I noticed a few grammatical/spelling issues but I'm really not the man to ask about that!

 

Reading back over that is seems a bit harsh. Keep in mind these are my opinions, you can take or leave as many of them as you wish. I did enjoy this and you should defiantly keep writing.

[CaptainLNH]

PhilofCalth,

 

Thanks for all the great feedback. I am now considering expanding and fixing up the story using some of your suggestions.

Oh and the Lightning Warriors are a chapter I designed, they are also being re-worked to reflect my better understanding of 40K.

[PhilOfCalth]

I'm glad you replied. I thought you'd gave up on the entire concept!

 

I used to write fantasy/si fi a lot, but I stopped due to other life commitments. I hope you keep on, you defiantly have potential!

[Brother Eruantien]

CaptainLNH,

 

I thought your story was really good, especially if this is your first time. I agree with PhilOfCalth on the possible changes, but I also managed to get through your chapter info. It seems like the same thing happened there, a huge ammount of stuff posted all at once, so much that it overwhelms you. If you are revising it, maybe you could try posting it in sections one at a time, so as to feed rather than drown so to speak.

 

edit: Nice drawing by the way.

[YAK]

awsome read!!!!

 

(i don't really have any advice that hasn't already been said)

 

any chance of more stories in this series as it were... would be great to here some of nathanial's other expliots in the watch.

[CaptainLNH]

Thanks PhilOfCalth, Brother Eruantien, and YAK,

I have been considering other story possiblities, but I currently have not had the free time to do anything meaningful on it.