IA: Ice Falcons/ Penitent Falcons

[Dominicus]

So, here is the basic outline for the beginning of my IA. Just outlined origins, their Chapter's shame, and their organization. Please critique heavily and feel free to ask any questions regarding the outline. Again, this outline is only partially done, so many changes will likely need to be made.

 

Cheers! let the critiquing begin!

 

- Dom

 

 

Chapter name

Ice Falcons, aka The Penitent Falcons

 

Chapter Strength

Estimated at 846 full Battle-Brother, with a 200-man Scout Company

 

Origins

- Created during the 15th Founding

- Had immediate success as a new Chapter; embarked on a 5-year Crusade of the Ym’garl System to push out the Ork Empire that resided there

- Claimed the second world in the system, Travv’s Landing, as their homeworld

 

The Lost Company

- 5th Company was sent on a mission in response to a distress call sent out from a nearby system, called Waypoint, which was under attack from a Chaos force of unknown numbers

- After entering the Warp, the last report the Chapter heard from the 5th was when they dropped out of the Warp, telling them that they had arrived and that the fleet was massive

- 5th Company was not heard from again for the next 50 years

- Suddenly, a battle-barge materialized in-system; the calls were answered, and the barge recognized as the Sword of Deliverance, the 5th flagship.

- The Chapter was overwhelmed with joy at the return of their brothers, and the fleet parted to allow the ship to dock.

- Thunderhawks were released from the barge and made planetfall at the capital of Karan.

- The Marines who disembarked the ships were not Ice Falcons; rather, they were deformed, Chaotic mutants.

- The 5th Company warriors opened fire on the jubilant civilians who had surrounded the landing zone, killing almost 500 citizens in the opening barrage.

- The Renegade Marines ran rampant around the city for 5 hours before the Chapter was able to mobilize against their former brothers, with an grief-stricken Antonius leading the attack

- The fight was fierce, but in the end, the 5th was outnumbered; all 72 Renegade Marines and 2 Dreadnoughts were slain, with Antonius himself killing his old friend, Captain Thyrius, himself; their deformed bodies and gene-seed burned using heavy flamers

- Losses for the Chapter, and the world’s people, were heavy; the Chapter lost 14 Brothers, with 10 injured in the fighting. The city’s population of 460 million was depleted to 457 million over the time that the 5th had to kill

- Following this disaster, High Commander Antonius declared that the 5th would be no more, in order to try and remove the disgrace from the Chapter in the future. As well, he changed the Chapter’s name to the Penitent Falcons, seeing the fall of the 5th as a Chapter-wide failure

 

Organization

- The Chapter has currently been rebuilding after their latest Crusade, and have returned to full strength

- First Company

o Commander Octavius

o 5-man Command Squad

o 5 Sternguard Squads

o 5 Vanguard Squads

o 2 Dedicated Terminator Squads (Always wear Termy armour)

o Strength: 126 Battle-Brothers

- Second Company

o Honoured Captain Bravius

o 8-man Command Squad

o 8 Tactical Squads

o 3 Devastator Squads

o 3 Assault Squads

o Strength: 149 Battle-Brothers

- Third Company

o Captain Thoniius

o 6-man Command Squad

o 8 Tactical Squads

o 2 Devastator Squads

o 4 Assault Squads

o Strength: 147 Battle-Brothers

- Fourth Company

o Captain Allius

o 9-man Command Squad

o 8 Tactical Squads

o 5 Devastator Squads

o 1 Assault Squad

o Strength: 150 Battle-Brothers

- Sixth Company (Reserve)

o Captain Honorius

o 5-man Command Squad

o 8 Devastator Squads

o 2 Assault Squads

o Strength: 106 Battle-Brothers

- Seventh Company (Reserve)

o Captain Fillius

o 5-man Command Squad

o 8 Assault Squads

o 2 Devastator Squads

o Strength: 106 Battle-Brothers

- Eighth Company (Reserve)

o Captain Pyrius

o 4-man Command Squad

o 5 Devastator Squads

o 5 Assault Squads

o Strength: 105 Battle-Brothers

- Ninth Company (Reserve)

o Captain Gregorius

o 4-man Command Squad

o 5 Devastator Squads

o 5 Assault Squads

o Strength: 105 Battle-Brothers

- Tenth Company

o Captain Lucius

o 5-man Scout Command Squad

o 200 Scouts

o Strength: 206 Marines

- Total Strength: 1200 Marines

- Have a flourishing Librarium

o Chief Librarian Garrius

o 3 Epistolary

o 8 Codicier

o 7 Lexicanum

- Reclusiam

o Master of Penance Travius

o Reclusiarch (Master of Sanctity) Gravius

o 15 Chaplains

- Apothecarium

o Chief Apothecary Maurius the Beloved

o 25 Apothecaries

[Messor]

I like the start, though when I read 'the Chapter's problem' my mind immediately went to gene seed. While the very idea of lost in the warp is painful to some, I don't mind it. Its a big galaxy, and that kind of thing is bound to happen. So the loss of the 5th is compensated by Marines in the other companies?

[Dominicus]

I like the start, though when I read 'the Chapter's problem' my mind immediately went to gene seed. While the very idea of lost in the warp is painful to some, I don't mind it. Its a big galaxy, and that kind of thing is bound to happen. So the loss of the 5th is compensated by Marines in the other companies?

Yeah, "problem" probably isn't the best description of what i is, so I changed it to "shame", so as not to confuse other.

And yes, the other Companies have more Marines to compensate for not having a 5th...and then some :(

[Stigus Adeptus]

How did they lose so few against 72 renegades and 2 dreadnoughts? And 3 million is a lot of civilians for 5 hours of fighting. Did their battle barge join in, or did they have some sort of support from it?

 

And a chapter changing its name isn't something that happens easily. Is it an official change, or something like the Dark Angels with the whole Unforgiven thing?

[Octavulg]

Before we begin: Ferrus, not Ferrous.  

Chapter name
Ice Falcons, aka The Penitent Falcons

Pick one.  Also, I think Penitent Falcons sounds weird - Falcons Penitent might sound a little better.

- Had immediate success as a new Chapter; embarked on a 5-year Crusade of the Ym’garl System to push out the Ork Empire that resided there

I don't think there's any history of such a thing in the Ym'garl system.  As a rule, it's a good idea to stay away from notable places in 40K, both to avoid being made obsolete by more current fluff and to avoid the impression you're trying to make your chapter important by shoving it into important places or near important people.

- Claimed the second world in the system, Travv’s Landing, as their homeworld

See above.  

- Losses for the Chapter, and the world’s people, were heavy; the Chapter lost 14 Brothers, with 10 injured in the fighting. The city’s population of 460 million was depleted to 457 million over the time that the 5th had to kill

So each mutant killed 41,667 people in five hours, meaning he killed 8333 people per hour, or 138 people a minute.  That's 2.31 people per minute.  

I find this improbable.  

- Following this disaster, High Commander Antonius declared that the 5th would be no more, in order to try and remove the disgrace from the Chapter in the future. As well, he changed the Chapter’s name to the Penitent Falcons, seeing the fall of the 5th as a Chapter-wide failure

Such disasters need a why, and their impact needs to be explored.  Why does the chapter think the 5th fell?  What do they intend to do about it?  How are they atoning?  

Organization

I mean this in the nicest possible way: nobody cares about a man-by-man itemization of your chapter's strength.  

Explain the general principles - the details can be filled in by the reader's imagination.   A person-by-person breakdown just isn't interesting to the reader.  Hell, I doubt it's that interesting to you.

What's your chapter like?  Who are they as people?  This stuff could happen to any chapter right now: what makes your chapter unique is how they deal with this stuff.  What do you want from this IA, and who are the Ice Falcons?