Assault on Pertinax

[Paradigm]

I've been working on an expansive campaign in my free time. In between deployments and work I've managed to get quite a bit done, now the hard part, I need help with the story.

 

I have an outline and have begun to flesh it out. The campaign is told from the accounts of the survivors, as told to the Inquisition. It features the Ordo Xenos, Deathwatch, Charcharadons, Marines Malevolent, Flesh Tearers, Executioners, and Iron Hands, fighting a war to retake the Pertinax system from a coalition of Night Lord warbands, and a traitorous PDF. The story is loosely based on the Sicilian Expedition. So if you know your history you'll notice the similarities. The campaign takes place in the late 41st millennium, not terribly far beyond the fall of Vilamus.

 

As the story evolves some of this is subject to change. What I desperately need is C&C. Any help is extremely valued, and once the campaign is complete I plan to release it in its entirety as a PDF for anyone to play through. It will feature additional rules and units, with new IC's. There will be pictured examples of the characters and tutorials on making your own conversions.

 

Here is the first account. I hope it is legible and gains your attention.

 

++Account 0000.1001.a

++Anklyothenes, Apothecary of the Emperor’s Spears and Deathwatch

++Debrief Primus

After 700 years the psychic scream reached our Astropaths. As you know, in the warp, dimensions wax and wane with the fickle echoes of mortal emotion and the demented whims of entities far more omnipotent and complex. So went time. What was at once a scream of urgency became enthralled to abject horror, and inherent paralyzing hesitancy. It’s said, when the astropaths heard the scream they hemorrhaged blood, and collapsed in mumbling turmoil. Perhaps that is truth. Perhaps it was the usual theatrics and grandiose posturing that spread this rumor among the brethren. Without knowing the geriatric nature of the message, departure occurred in haste. Too much perhaps, though the Ordo Xenos is always vigilant against the terrors of the worlds exotic.

Upon arrival, the Inquisitorial Strike Cruiser Lamachus’ long range augurs told no tales of xenos filth. At first it was thought the warp had discharged the strike cruiser in some far flung era, or perhaps the wrong destination. Though we were at our true destination, there was concern. As we entered the system, our augurs told of a great many ships ahead. Though the vox hails of the system defense fleet were many and repetitive, Their rough dialect caused a struggle of comprehension. Confusion reigned at the great number frigates sent to greet us, and again, at the defensive nature, of their battle line cometh. No Imperial affirmations were used. No Aquila prow upon their ships. Their ships, of strange and wicked design. There along the frigates, thunder clashed upon midnight hulls, and at the stern the winged skull sigil.

Traitor Astartes!

Outmatched, and outnumbered, Lamachus unleashed a torrent from her mighty bombard and came about. The Great Enemy had many murderous fish in this gulf of planets. Though a shark among them, Lamachus alone could no further strike down a hundred gnashing bites than destroy a whole system of heretics. Prudence dictated reconnoiter. Lamachus fired her engines, and ran the gauntlet of enemy frigates. We felt the shudder of lance fire and missile salvo, but our armor held as we plummeted with unfathomable haste through the void. We made for the capitol world, Pertinax III.

Dismay awaited us. Pertinax’s defensive platforms immediately started firing. Despondent and harried, Pertinax was left behind. Lamachus barreled into the warp, into safety.

++Account Complete

++Anklyothenes, Apothecary of the Emperor’s Spears and Deathwatch

 

Here is the second account.

 

++Account 0000.1002.b

++Cobus Augustijn, Veteran Brother of the Dark Hunters and Deathwatch

 

I spoke to him briefly before the order was given. I could smell ‘em. Traitors blood always stinks. Stinks even through a vacuum, and you know it. Really know it, the stink of the warp. I smell it all the time now…

 

Hell fire, sulfur, burning rubber, when they say it you know they’re ignorant. The real smell comes from inside you. Like mildew and new glass, or faulted augmetics. You know that smell, like when you hold old coins in your hand too long and the sweat mixes with the metal. I smell it now, from inside the slits of my nose. It’s a body’s way of letting you know something is out there ready to eat ya, and your brothers and your sisters; your family. Most humans are too frightened to really smell it, their adrenaline gets up and their nerve falls down. I don't have fear, I'm not clouded. Years had gone by; I hadn’t smelled that stink in decades of service to the Ordo. I thought I left it behind when I was chosen to serve.

 

I told him it wasn’t our fight, we're alien hunters. We’re the silver thread protecting mankind from the filth exotic. Suffer not the Xenos to live! I told Lord Carmine as much, he just vomited political filth and glorious hatred back in my direction. I know how to serve damn it. What kind of indolent ;) ignores an Astartes’ warning. I wasn't the only one warning that fool inquisitor either, his own protege spoke out as well. Traitor Astartes are not to be trifled with. We needed more marines.

 

By the time we returned we had already received word that the Iron Hands would join us, those dour bastards. A few days later the Executioner’s pledged a strike force as well. They were much more welcome in my eyes, even if they spent the night with ‘ole Blackheart himself. At least they could cut up with the rest of us. Old Rusty just kept to themselves nearly the whole month long trip back out.

 

Either way, we got what I wanted, what we needed.

 

++Account Complete

++Cobus Augustijn, Veteran Brother of the Dark Hunters and Deathwatch

 

 

Here is the overall story arc. This is the rough, post brainstorm phase. Each portion of the timeline will be told via the account of one of the few deathwatch survivors, with a potential twist here and there. Ideally each character's account will be written in character, with some using superb low gothic and others using more gutteral dialects. This framework wont change, but some story details may.

 

The Unknown Xenos: Investigation-

 

The Ordo Xenos receive an ancient distress call from Pertinax, they head to the planet with a force of Inquisitorial Storm troopers with support from The Deathwatch. Upon arriving at the Pertinax system, the Ordo discovers entrenched heretic forces and leaves in order to build a more capable strike force. The Ordo requests aid from nearby Space Marine chapters, the Executioners and The Iron Hands quickly answer the call, and two other chapters respond, choosing to rendezvous with the the strike force at Pertinax. Despite misgivings, the Ordo Xenos force chose to remain with the now formidable strike force.

 

The Three Commanders-

The Executioners’ command wants to attack Pertinax III to catch the Traitors off guard, allowing for a rapid victory, and without Pertinax III, other less populated worlds will fall into submission. The Iron Hands command prefers to attack planet by planet purging each world systematically, thereby securing a beachhead and ensuring good logistical support, before the attack on the capitol. There would be no need for a rapid victory that would perhaps leave traitors unpunished. The Ordo’s preference is to infiltrate Pertinax III and assess any Imperial sympathy, perhaps the world can be won with little bloodshed. The argument dominates the warparty, and prevents departure. The Ordo breaks the three way stalemate by siding with the Iron Hands due to their honorable history, vice the executioners checkered past.

 

The conquest of the Pertinax VII-

The Imperial Strike force smashes the defences of a thinly populated manufacturing colony within what once was a mechanicus outpost, the leader of the now Heretek forces unleashes a scrap code virus that infects the strike force, and sends word to the remainder of the Pertinax system. The Iron Hands expertise saves the beleaguered forces, but not without the loss of the Inquisitorial Strike Cruiser Lamachus, substantially delaying the assault on Pertinax III. The Marines Malevolent arrive in numbers followed shortly by a much smaller cadre of Flesh Tearers. The total number of Imperial Marines now numbers over 500, with support from nearly ten times their number in Inquisitorial storm troopers. However due to the month long campaign at Pertinax VII, The Pertinax III planetary defense is showing significant activity. PDF Frigates have begun significant, though hesitant, defensive posturing. Hesitance, attributed to the vastly more powerful Imperial Forces.

 

Meanwhile on Pertinax III-

Through political maneuver the commander of the Ordo Xenos is blamed for the blunder on Pertinax VII, allowing his ambitious protégé to place him under arrest, and assume command of the Ordo Xenos forces. The ousted commander escapes with the help of a few loyal servants and makes for Pertinax III in hope of buying time to get revenge on his disloyal henchman. Smuggling himself planetside, he finds a world paralyzed with fear, an efficient society, devoid of faith of any kind, preparing for what he assumes is the impending assault. Soon he discovers the truth, their patron “Demi-gods” are returning. He is arrested by the local enforcers, and tortured.

 

Deathwatch Landings-

Deathwatch kill teams land on Pertinax III weeks ahead of the main force. Due to secrets divulged by the ousted commander, their sabotage missions are effectively nullified. However they soon discover the ill news as well, the populace is not preparing for the Imperial Marines, even seeming somewhat unconcerned. They are preparing for the return of the Night Lords to Pertinax III. Cut off and unable to communicate the deathwatch can do nothing but watch as the entire strike force breaks through the orbital defences, and makes planetfall. Desperately they try to reach the battle lines to warn their brethren.

 

Assault on Pertinax III-

The Imperials Land on a plateau overlooking the capital city, intent on a rapid liberation. Flanked by Inquisitorial storm troopers the marines pour into the Capitol. The defenders bombard the attacking marines, the renegade PDF fight in a brutal manner, with near reckless abandon. Malcador Assault Tanks fire on the attacking Land Raiders but can merely slow the advance. The Deathwatch finally reach the battle, and warn their commanders of the incoming Night Lords. The attackers upon hearing the news call off the attack, sparing the capital, as bright explosions light the sky. A void war has begun over Pertinax. Perilously close to the Imperial Flotilla, a Night Lords grand cruiser broke into realspace over Pertinax III, followed shortly by many smaller ships, and two ancient legion cruisers; one bearing the red bat sigil, the other a void black hull bearing thousands of glowing runes. The Devil had come for his due.

 

The Void War-

The Grand Cruiser cripples the Iron Hands strike cruiser in the first salvo. Dreadclaws are dispatched from the other vessels upon the Imperial fleet. Thunderhawks returning from the planet are harried by swarms of helblade fighters, desperately trying to reach their ships to support the defence. The fight goes back and forth, with first the heretics then the Imperials gaining the upper hand. The Imperials board the cruiser with the Red Bat sigil and detonate the magazines destroying the vessel. Eventually, the Imperial Fleet is driven off, trapping nearly two hundred space marines on the surface of Pertinax III, and having lost two strike cruisers.

Enter the Bound-

Enraged at the loss of his ship, Mothakes the Half-Seen, Lord of The Bound, boards the grand cruiser and challenges the Night Lords commander Sahkre the Lion, to single combat. Sahkre fights brutally but is overwhelmed by the viciousness of Mothakes, and dies when his head is cleaved from his shoulders. The Bound take command of the grand cruiser and overall command of the 8th legion forces at Pertinax. The Brotherhood of Darkness regard their new commander, with suspicion and distrust. The Bound are a Warband of savage warriors enthralled to Khorne, god of carnage, while the Brotherhood of Darkness are a sorcerous warband who follow Tzeentch, god of fate, and change. When the Brotherhood pays homage to the Warlord Mothakes, they are appalled to discover his “pet” - a marine psyker, collared and bound in chains and covered in burning Khornate brands. They leave in disgust, praying to their god to deliver them from this new warlord. On the way back they discover the gross dislike the Night Lord warriors have of their new commander, and the bound in general. With little encouragement, the “true” Night Lords spiral into combat with their “Bound” brethren.

 

Regrouping at Pertinax VII-

The Imperial Strike force limp back to Pertinax VII, and find two ancient strike cruisers waiting in orbit. They hail Imperial Forces and offer aid. They are Carcharadons Astra and have come to butcher traitors.

 

The Corpse God’s Children-

On Pertinax III the stranded Imperials are approached by locals, who think the Marines have come to liberate them from the Night Lords. They are butchered as heretics by the Iron Hands, despite protests from the marines of the Deathwatch. The Imperial forces begin a guerilla campaign of total war upon the countryside. No man, woman or child is left alive. Those who do not resist are killed quickly, while those who fight are slaughtered like cattle. The PDF are constantly outmaneuvered by the Marines, who use the Inquisitorial forces as a meat shield, and distraction. When a senior officer complains to the Flesh Tearers of the unnecessary loss of his manpower, they rampage, murdering a platoon before the Executioner’s put a stop to the senseless violence. The populace begins looking to the sky now with hope instead of fear. Hope that their patrons will soon make planetfall.

 

The Night Lords in Orbit –

Warriors clash aboard the grand cruiser as Khornate Night Lords fight their Atheist brethren. Only through the combined savagery of Mothakes and the late Sahkre’s Atramentar does the fighting end. Two warbands are forced to coexist as one. Mothakes calls his champions together for a war council, they need to make planetfall, he is angry at his warriors for fighting among themselves. He bangs his bolt pistol on the table and yells out a challenge to his warriors, to fight for him, to die for him, or kill him and take his place. He stops at that and notices his eyes are moist, he touches his face and his fingers come away bloody. Then his pet speaks “I will, Mothakes. I will take your place.” The champions all turn to the Psyker, now he is covered in glowing Tzeentchian symbols, his eyes are balefire. Mothakes, shaking, pulls the bolt pistol from the table with a possessed hand, and slowly lifts it to his temple. He pulls the trigger. He is dead before the mass reactive shell explodes inside his head. The psyker speaks, “I am Ailo Gullah, Sorceror Lord of the Bound, you are all my champions, now.” Deep in the warp the Architect of Fate smiles.

 

The Void above Pertinax-

The Carcharadon warships form the vanguard as the void war begins again over Pertinax III. The Imperials again match the Night Lords. Maneuver for maneuver the void war rages. Neither side have the upper hand, though slowly the Charcharadon reinforcements seem to take their toll. The Night Lords retreat into the warp and the Imperials cheer! They hold supremacy! They begin the planetstrike anew. The Night Lords though are clever and have merely feigned retreat. Only 12 hours later, they explode into realspace, among the imperial ships, and devastate the Imperial vessels at close range. The Imperial fleet is completely destroyed, the commander of the Iron Hands is killed. Escape pods rain down on Pertinax III along with wreckage. The Night Lords have decisively taken the Void.

 

The Ground War-

The Imperial forces look on in horror as their ships are destroyed in orbit. Escape pods scatter the surface of Pertinax III. Soon after, midnight clad drop pods rain from the sky, and thunderhawk gunships spill their contents onto the planet. The PDF rallies as the Night Lords relieve their beleaguered forces. The Imperials now have little time, they are outnumbered by the Night Lord forces nearly 2-1 and there are now fewer storm troopers than marines, remaining. They continue to butcher the populace, now with the fury only certain death can bring. The Night Lords fight with ruthless, giddy pleasure, playing with their prey. Raptors drag marines hundreds of meters into the sky and drop them into storm trooper formations after crippling the imperial armor. The Brotherhood of Darkness shooting with warpcharged bolters and hurling warpfire at Malevolent rapiers, whispering prayers to their god. Khornate warriors of the Bound cut down the last of the Flesh Tearers, the sound of chainblades the only prayer they need.

 

Deception-

After a month the Night Lords tired of their game and send the broken, ousted Inquisitor to the imperial lines. He is instructed to tell them they are surrounded and should form a fortress, to hold out for reinforcements, he "apparently called for" when he escaped Pertinax VII. He tells the Imperials, traitor astartes are nearly all around them. He tells them they must not continue running or they will be picked off little by little. At first they want to kill him as, he proved, by fleeing Pertinax VII, his guilt. However a supernova lights up the sky, and the Executioner’s Commander being very superstitious took it as a sign that the emperor would light the darkness, and believed the Inquisitor’s lies. He argued to listen to him, even if he was lying, they were all dead anyway. They took a nearby city and fortified it as best they could. This gave the traitorous Pertinax Helborne PDF time to bring their lumbering Malcador tanks and Minotaur Artillery to bear on the Imperial positions. The Imperial fortifications were pounded to breaking from dawn till dusk, at dusk the Night Lords assaulted the fortified city. The Marines Malevolent are credited with driving off the Night Lords. In the traitor’s haste to end the conflict they assaulted the fortress with too few warriors. The remaining Malevolents ruthlessly fired into the melee below their position killing both traitor and friend. The Charcharadons took grave insult, it was only through careful words, the Executioners commander was able to prevent bloodshed.

 

Breakout to Oblivion-

Their fortress had become a deathtrap. The Executioners commander called on the remaining 77? marines to march south into the mountains in hopes of finding cover and eventually reaching another city. They managed to fight their way through the traitor war lines. The Stormtroopers remaining followed as long as they could, but the astartes were covering ground much too fast. Those who could, surrendered. Far beyond the battle lines the marines made camp, the Charcharadon Marines were still angry about their brothers dying at the hands of Malevolents the day prior. Words led to shouting led to blows, all the frustration of the campaign, the doom that awaited them, came out as Malevolents began fighting Charcharadons, combat knives were drawn, brother killed brother. The Executioners tried to stop the carnage, but the angered Charcharadons remember fighting them only 60 years prior at Badab and began fighting them as well. Eventually traitorous Reaper Autocannons began tearing into the combatants, some of the Iron hands and the remaining deathwatch made it into cover, but this was the end, several of the Charcharadons defected, some Malevolents. The Iron Hands, uncorrupted, die to a man, as do the Executioners. The Night Lords “spare” the deathwatch. They confiscated all armor and weapons, cut out most of their implants, amputated their arms and legs, and send them back into the void along with their ousted Inquisitor. Eventually rescued, their recount is how the tale comes to be known.

[Olis]

++Esconditus

++Account 0000.1001.a

++Anklyothenes, Apothecary of the Emperor’s Spears and Deathwatch

++Debrief Primus

 

After 700 years the psychic scream reached Imperial Astropaths. In the warp, dimensions wax and wane with the fickle echoes of mortal emotion and the demented whims of entities far more omnipotent and complex. So went time. What was once an urgent scream, became enthralled to abject horror, and inherent paralyzing hesitancy. It’s said, when the astropaths heard the scream they hemorrhaged blood, and collapsed in mumbling turmoil. Perhaps that is truth. Perhaps it was the usual theatrics and grandiose posturing that spread this rumor among the brethren. Without knowing the geriatric nature of the message, departure occurred in haste. Too much perhaps, though the Ordo Xenos is always vigilant against the terrors of the worlds exotic.

 

Upon arrival, Lamachus’ long range augurs told no tales of xenos filth. At first it was thought the warp had discharged the strike cruiser in some far flung era, or perhaps the wrong destination. The rough dialect of the system at first caused a struggle of comprehension. Though the vox hails of the planetary defense force were many and repetitive. Confusion reigned at the many frigates sent in greeting. Confusion again, at the defensive nature, of the battle line cometh. No Imperial affirmations were used. No Aquila prow upon the ships. Those ships, of strange and wicked design. There along the frigates, thunder clashed upon midnight hulls, and at the stern the winged skull sigil.

 

Traitor Astartes!

 

Outmatched, and outnumbered, the Inquisitorial Strike Cruiser Lamachus, came about. The Great Enemy had many murderous fish in this gulf of planets. Though a shark among them, Lamachus alone could no further strike down a hundred gnashing bites than alone destroy a whole system of heretics. Prudence dictated reconnoiter. Lamachus barreled into the sea of souls, a path of least resistance, to exit within augur range of the capitol world, Pertinax III.

 

Dismay awaited us. Pertinax’s defensive platforms immediately started firing at Lamachus. Outgunned and harried, Pertinax was left behind. Lamachus again fled into the warp, and safety.

 

++Account Complete

++Anklyothenes, Apothecary of the Emperor’s Spears and Deathwatch

++Esconditus

 

 

Okay then. First off, it's reasonably good as an opener but I don't fully get the feeling of a debriefing - there needs to be more personal affectations to the passage, I think. Whether this is through inflection or unique details from where Anklyothenes point of view is, is up to you. I think some expansion, perhaps a paragraph or two, wouldn't go amiss between the first and second paragraphs. Who was in command? Were there any notable members of the strike force? Were there any mishaps before arrival? What was the warp journey there like - routine or entertaining/dangerous? Did the Apothecary get involved in any notable moments on ship? What could he hear? What could he smell? Did he notice anything a mortal would not?

 

Also, I think the full mention of 'Inquisitorial Strike Cruiser' was a little late. When I first read Lamachus, I believed the reference was to an individual. If you could move that Strike Cruiser part back to the first time Lamachus occurs, I think that'll clear up any confusion. I think Italicising each time the name of the ship comes up would clarify matters too. :jaw:

 

And finally, I believe this bit:

 

Lamachus barreled into the sea of souls, a path of least resistance, to exit within augur range of the capitol world, Pertinax III.

 

Would be better served with the Lamachus running silent, rather than dipping into the warp. In the vastness of space, the former is much less dangerous than the latter. :lol:

[Brother Ambroz]

First off, I agree with Oli, it doesn't really have the feel of a briefing. Personal accounts from the apothecary would definitely support the notion that it would be more like a debrief.

 

Upon arrival, Lamachus’ long range augurs told no tales of xenos filth. At first it was thought the warp had discharged the strike cruiser in some far flung era, or perhaps the wrong destination. The rough dialect of the system at first caused a struggle of comprehension. Though the vox hails of the planetary defense force were many and repetitive. Confusion reigned at the many frigates sent in greeting. Confusion again, at the defensive nature, of the battle line cometh. No Imperial affirmations were used. No Aquila prow upon the ships. Those ships, of strange and wicked design. There along the frigates, thunder clashed upon midnight hulls, and at the stern the winged skull sigil.

 

Now personally I do like this but a few small corrections or suggestions. You at first mention only one cruiser but then go on to say that it's a battle line. Were there more than one archenemy ships? In addition you describe frigates sent in greeting. What were these frigates? PDF, Civilian, Traders? Describing them a bit more might help lend a feeling of helplessness if that is what you're going for.

 

I'll be able to help more when you've got more written as well. Looking forward to seeing more.

[Paradigm]

Thanks both of you, and also thanks to Kol_Saresk for his input as well. He commented through pm. I'm going to post the overall story timeline, and then flesh it out bit by bit. I'm going to rewrite the first account over the next day or so and update it here accordingly. I'll post some of the character bios as well, so that people can give feedback, over the next few days. I'll post the overall arc in the first post then I'll slowly remove/replace segments as the drafts evolve.

[Yogi]

My opinion. Use at own risk. Also don't compromise your vision just cause.. Also keep in mind I am a pleb.

 

The Apothecaries diary. It flat and full of facts, this guy is a warrior-medic not an accountant. I found it hard to read. More punchy.

 

It needs fun. It needs tension/conflict. It needs more context, I barely get what is going on. These are the things that entertain me.

 

A nice thought for the day, grim and with a sense of dark humor is always nice.

 

I take it the user is suppose to be reading this after the inquisition has had their grubby interfering mitts all over it. There could be some inquisitor notes/addendums, some things should be redacted. The historian inquisitor should add some context like some murder happy narrator. Inquisitors are always looking to blame someone, politics etc can also come through in the account.

 

Because I can't communicate what I mean I'm essentially going to make my own version. Forgive me. I put my opinion in brackets.

 

++ Inquisitorial note: The following eyewitness account concerns the Pertinax Campaign and documents the brutal and disturbing nature of the war fought there. It is this Inquisitor's humble opinion that this document should be further restricted lest more heavy handed members of our most honoured Ordo mistakenly -- REDACTED --

 

++ Thought for the day: History must be rewritten so that the faithful remain so.

 

++ FILE BEGINS

 

Personal journal of Anklyothenes - Year 347 of the glorious Imperium. (whatever the date is meant to be etc - Let me feel the zealotry and facsism)

 

---

 

Urgent orders have come down from on high. Our vessel makes haste and we will translate into the warp in a matter of hours. The Strike Group (whatever this deathwatch unit calls itself) is prepared, ready and has taken on fresh supplies. Our destination is the Pertinax system, to answer the call of a centuries old astropathic message. It is said that the message was of such force it cause grievous harm to those who received it. The superstitious and weak described it as a paralyzing psychic scream of incredible potency. In any case we are ready. The Emperor Protects.

 

Brother WhathisFace did not recover from the injuries sustained at the battle of [REDACTED] and was granted the Emperor's Peace. His name has been added to the honour roll and his geneseed is preserved and will be returned to his chapter. (He an apocethary that should come through)

 

---

 

We arrived blah blah etc.

 

I stopped because I realised the account was meant to be a debriefing.. Now you might say Yogi you silly bastard I wrote debrief at the damn top! But I will tell you you lead with Esconditus, guess what I have no idea what that means so I unconsciously skipped the +++ section the first few times I read it.

 

I also think the different accounts from different marines should each have strong character, that apothecary you wrote was stoic unfazed and Would also likely be dutiful as he ensures the continuation of different chapters and the legacy of those before them. But the next account might be a grizzled sarge who is full of contempt of his interrogators during his "debrief". Also if its a debrief frame it with interviewer questions. Another marine could be arrogant another reserved. Character will make me read. The interrogator may be looking to incriminate during the debrief, this adds tension drama etc.

 

 

The story arc seems pretty cool. Drama politics backstabbing the great enemy nightlords arriving. Cool beans man.

 

So TLDR Show more tell less. More: Conflict, feeling, character, tension, drama, dark humour; make it punchy, dump the false latin at the beginning, make things really OBVIOUS like a debriefing with questions.

 

That my 2 cents hope it wasn't to harsh. Also keep in mind I am probably not the best guy to ask, I find alot of the forgeworld campaign stuff too dry. 200k death korps were deployed they built trenches then began.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz That style puts me to sleep.

 

Anyways GLHF

[Paradigm]

No worries man, I'm looking for harsh critical points here. I'm not going to be offended if somebody puts their opinion down, even if it is just to tell me that my writing sucks. The only outcome is that my writing improves. I tend to go overblown on the purple prose and have to prune inordinate amounts away after my first couple drafts in most of my writing anyways. Sometimes I prune too much in some areas, sometimes not enough in others.

 

The rewrite should be done later today, along with the first draft of the second account. You might like the second Deathwatch marine better, he is a deathwatch veteran of the dark hunters. He is bit more rough and paranoid in his account, and will downright contradict himself and some of the others here and there. Anklyothenes is a stoic character with impeccable history, manners etc. He's not one to get excited. Cobus Augustijn of the Dark Hunter and Deathwatch on the other hand is very different. He is much more "human", and remembers that his mother called him "Jack". You might like him better.

 

I was worried about esconditus. It's derived from escondito which means hidden in spanish. Going for a "confidential" or "top secret" kind of feel for it; but it might have to change, for readability. Anybody have any other ideas? I don't really want to use "confidential".

 

Check back in a few hours, the new draft should be up.

[Olis]

I was worried about esconditus. It's derived from escondito which means hidden in spanish. Going for a "confidential" or "top secret" kind of feel for it; but it might have to change, for readability. Anybody have any other ideas? I don't really want to use "confidential".

 

Perhaps something like '(insert security noun of your choice here) clearance required'? Like Vermillion, Azure or something?

[Paradigm]

To solve the esconditus problem I've decided to just remove it and place a note in the opening of the story about the following being sequestered for the good of the Imperium or something.

 

I've posted the second account and written another draft of the first. Hopefully things are more clear now. There should be one more account to tie up the first part, but I'm not sure which character to use yet. Thinking either the Inquisitor Lord Espyridon Carmine or The Deathwatch Captain, who doesn't yet have a name. This will flow into the Imperial War council which should be coming up. I'm going to post a character Bio for Anklyothenes tomorrow if I get enough time. No later than sunday for sure. Hopefully with another draft for the two posted accounts.

 

I just realized part of the text in the second account was censored by the Inquisition, lol :D

[Olis]

I think you might want to change the bit that says 'ole Blackheart to ol' Blackheart in the second account and the censored cuss into something like the word 'cur' or 'wretch'.

 

I also think the description of 'Atheist' Night Lords needs to be changed or removed, as I think the word is unsuited for the context. Perhaps the word 'opposing' might work?

[Kol Saresk]

I second Olis on that note. Perhaps, "Puritan" as a general descriptor for them. As it is hard to not believe in Gods when you know they exist -_-

 

Hmm, the Bound. I actually think I like them and the idea behind them. Kudos. The Brotherhood of Darkness, another interpretation of seen of them, amazingly everyone seems to agree that they are some sort of Night Lord faction. Although I think I did someone write them out as a BL splinter once. I think either GW, FW or BL needs to make the NL link official.

 

Again, looks decent. Just some small minor spelling and grammar mistakes, like in the last paragraph, one of the sentences follow as "The Executioner commander called on the remaining 77? Marines." I imagine you were going for the 777 jackpot. Just small things like that, nothing to kill yourself over. On another note, to me it seemed as though each piece was being written as a centerpiece, stand-alone story. Nothing wrong with that, but maybe find a way to put more flow into them perhaps?

[Paradigm]

Well the only part of the story actually going to be shown when finished are the accounts. The part where the Nightlords of Sahkre's Host are referred as atheist is only rough post-brainstorming. Along with the rest of the outline, it wont actually be in the final draft.

 

As far as the brotherhood of darkness goes, they are actually a traitor chapter. However this is the only fluff detail about them aside from their heraldry. It's listed in the fourth edition CSM codex on page 23, unless the reference to "Brothers of Darkness" is a separate warband. In the fluff attached to them for this campaign I'm going to depict them as a Cursed Founding chapter of who's training cadre came from the Mortifactors. Though supposedly of ultramarine stock, their second generation leadership begin having visions of their primarch being beheaded by an imperial assassin. Since we all know that guy wasn't RG, and they do as well, questions start being thrown around. Eventually they uncover the truth when their apothecaries test the geneseed of their founding cadre against that of the chapter as a whole and discover the discrepancies. They are able to successfully hold their homeworld. The only reason the Brotherhood of Darkness and the Bound are even at Pertinax is to get a copy of the holo uncovered by the Exalted's First claw, as Sahkre's Host was the only one of the three warbands who took part in it's recovery.

 

Unfortunately I am not going to be able to post the Bio for Anklyothenes tonight. I have other things getting in the way, but it will be up hopefully tomorrow.

 

Also, thanks again everyone, this is helping me tons and tons.

[Kol Saresk]

Ah. I thought it only said something like "First Sighting" or something. I remember mention of a Heresy. Either way, neither interpretation can be wrong. Just keep pushing forward mate and you'll have it done in no time.

[Paradigm]

I must apologize. Being in the military can really destroy your free time. I've been at work 44 of the last 48 hours lol. And it gets even uglier if you look back to Sunday. I'm not able to post my update now, but it will be up soon.

 

Quick teaser: I've got a Sahkre, the Lion of Nostramo bio to go along with the Apothecary Anklyothenes bio. One a model of stoic resolve with a very dangerous weakness, the other a war hero who looks back in remorse, at the evils he has had to embrace.

 

 

Quick edit: I am going to postpone more posts for a few weeks. I'm not going to get the schedule I expected. I'll keep working on this and post what I can when I can. Thanks for the help so far!

[Visitor13]

Hey,

 

Just let me know if I got this right:

 

Three Night Lord cruisers arrive, bringing The Bound, The BoD, and some more regular Night Lords under Sahkre. The Bound's ship is destroyed, so their leader Mothakes boards Sahkre's ship, challenges him to a duel and kills him, whereupon Sahkre's Atramentar swear allegiance to Mothakes.

 

The BoD visit Mothakes, and their leader (anything about him?) swears fealty to him too, but at the same time turns Sahkre's men against Mothakes's. The bloodshed ends when Mothakes and his Atramentar (who used to be Sahkre's) bang a few heads on both sides. It is then that Mothakes's pet psyker owns him, thanks to some sort of earlier intervention from The BoD no doubt.

 

From this point on it seems that all three Night Lord warbands get along just fine, or is it wrong of me to assume this? It seems that Sahkre's Night Lords and The Bound are now under the control of The BoD; do they accept this without any major grumblings?

 

Also, do the Nightkillers and the Punishers make an appearance?

 

I know that you're probably swamped right now, so take all the time you need replying. This is going to be so beautifully savage <_<

[Paradigm]

I have indeed been truly swamped.

 

You've got it pretty well figured out. Though I wouldn't say all of the Night Lords get along great after the infighting. The BoD are mostly Night Lords too, though they'd be considered thin-blooded by their legionary compatriots. Ailo Gullah is a very, very powerful psyker, the BoD just help him get "noticed". Though he isn't a BoD member himself. The original Bound will feel strongly against Gullah, and the Night Lords of Sahkre's Host will mostly revile him as greatly tainted. However Gullah has been noticed by the Changer of Ways and will have all the guile and ability needed to ensure both sides hate each other far more than they hate him. He will have to divide and conquer the maintain his hold on his warband.

 

Since you're pretty much reading the outline there will be much more detail when I am able to continue fleshing this out. I've been in work-ups for another deployment, so I've had very little time the last three months. I've still been working on this, but I'd like to post mostly fleshed out portions from here on out. The outline being full of spoilers is a bit of a bummer, but I think I'll be able to build this into great story.

 

As for the Night Killers and Punishers, I've had to drop them from the story. Though I think I'll give a little hint or two about the Killers fluff as I imagine it.

 

As soon as I have the time I'll drop a lot more.

[Visitor13]

Great to hear from you again. Indeed, this does have all the makings of a great story.

[Brother Ambroz]

Read it from start to finish. It's good Fortnight, sure as sure. Just as you say it's an outline and when you do rewrite it it'd be nice if you could make some chapters. I'll have some real C&C once you start writing.

By the way, definitely know what you mean about the military assimilating your free time.

[Paradigm]

Finally back at it. Here is the Bio for Sahkre, The Lion, It will go with his unit entry in the "Lords of Terror" special character section. Like everything so far, this is a rough draft, and may need clarification. Expect much more regular updates for a while. Sahkre is a terminator armored chaos lord who carries a heavy bolter, and a lightning claw, he always gets an extra attack as if he has two claws and has an ancient havoc launcher strapped on for good measure, he can shrug off instant death when he is lucky and has hammer of wrath. Also he is kind of expensive...

 

SAHKRE, THE LION OF NOSTRAMO

Unlike his brethren, Sahkre was born not into urban decay under the fist of gangers and corrupted authorities. His community embraced and remembered the teachings of the Night Haunter. Those lessons remained after his induction into the eighth legion. Thus he bore an uncommon burden:  Resolve.
Once noticed by company command, Sahkre rose swiftly through the ranks and was elevated to the ranks of the atramentar prior to the end of the great crusade. He watched as the legion around him was corrupted from within, and voiced his concerns to unhearing ears.

When Horus Lupercal took up the sword against the emperor, the Night Lords joined him. Overwhelmingly, the eighth legion followed their father, Konrad Curze into damnation. Though steadfastly loyal to his father, Sahkre was strongly opposed and again voiced his opinions upon deaf ears. The Night Haunter preached accountability and obedience. Were the eighth a legion of hypocrisy? Many of his brother’s took insult, and tried to murder Sahkre. However he butchered his would be assassins, and roared in fury, dragging their remains to First Captain Sevatar’s quarters and demanded audience. The Captain of the atramentar merely laughed and told onlookers to stop provoking his Lion.

 

Following Sevatar’s death, Sahkre returned to his company of origin; the 16^th. It took little time to realize the leadership of his company had degenerated into daemon worship. The 16^th had fought closely with the Word Bearers at Isstvan V, and had become tainted. He staged a putsch, murdered the captain and his council, and imprisoned many others, until he could better decide their fate.

Sahkre was a troubled leader. Attrition wore down his warband, and Sahkre was forced to release many of his warp tainted captives in order to maintain the strength of his forces. As the centuries passed, the warp found its way into the heart of the 16^th. While Sahkre remained untouched, he could not stop the spread of corruption in his forces, nor could he cripple his warband by cutting out the decay. New blood was the only answer.

 

I am reworking the Deathwatch, so the bio's are being reworked along with them, so Anklyothenes might not get a bio at all. There will be more info on Sahkre, and how he slowly had to give up his ideals so that his Warband would survive.