The Last Terran

[Sinners Red]

Prologue

+++The Last Terran+++

 

 

When they found his wrecked form, he was barely breathing. First Claw had soared over the battlefield for almost an hour, looking for any remains of their captain. The fighting around the captain had been intense, and both sides had fought to the end. The captain had lost both of his legs, and a xenos chainsword was still lodged in the captains lower torso. The body of an Eldar in curious green armor lay next to the captain. Many other corpses littered the nearby area, mostly Eldar clad in black. In a loose circular pattern around the captain were the bodies of a few of the companies Havocs.

 

Once the area was deemed secure, the champion had his Raptors spread out and begin to scavenge what they wanted for the remains. He wanted to talk to the captain. Alone.

 

'You. Sinner.' said the dying Astartes

'Yes, Captain. What orders do you have for the company?'

'Do not mock me...'

 

 

Brother Raptor Val Kel eyed his champion carefully from a distance. He was squatting awkwardly trying to pry the shoulder guards off one of the dead Havocs he had found, trying to feign disinterest at the drama unfolding behind him.He knew that what would happen soon would change the fate of the warband, sometimes known as the 64th Company, forever. He would not miss this. His champions dislike of Captain Sur was not well hidden from the rest of the warband.

 

Captain Quric of the Night Lords 64th company, had once been a leader worth following. But in recent years many in the warband knew him only as a coward. Even with the relative strength of his company he avoided conflict as often as possible and ran from most fights when ever the opporitunity presented itself. Kel's claw was lead by a sergeant who ignored most orders from the captain, and often did the exact opposite. And for that, the sergeant had been sentenced to death. He had his gauntlets painted the sinners red, and was know to most as the Sinner.

 

'Do you wish the Emperors Mercy, Brother-Captain?'

'Do not mock me, Sinner!' He heard the dying captain roar. Kel was amazed at the hate that was in the captains voice.

'Today you die. And yet you waste your breath? Like any will listen to you, coward.'

'If I am to die today, you will die first. Your time is up fool, in accordance with the laws of the Legion, present yourself to me for death. Your usefulness is at it's end.'

 

The Champion nearly doubled over with laughter. The thought was absurd it seemed, that the dying captain would kill the champion.

 

'You still mock me, Sinner? Brother Kel!' the captain called.

At the mention of his name Kel stood and for the first time acknowledge his captain and the champion.

 

'Brother Val Kel' Called the Captain once again, 'Strike down the Sinner. I order it as your Captain.'

The Champion, done with his laughter, activated his lightning claws. He turned slowly and faced his Raptor,'You know, Brother, that you cannot kill me. Do not throw you life away for this coward.'

 

Kel, simply watched as the champion turned back to the dying captain and approached him. The Champion soon stood over him, his lightning claws sending streaks of artificial lightning across his armor. 'Captain Amon Quric,' Said the Champion, 'Last Terran born Night Lord of this company, you will die as you lived -a coward!'

 

At those words, First Claw turned and watched as the Champion sunk his claws into the twin hearts of the wounded Terran. Kel was unsure if the irony of the situation was lost on the rest of the Claw as the champions gauntlets were now red with the blood of the dead captain.

 

The champion rose, and turned to his brothers 'I am now the lord of this warband, do any challenge my right?' There was no answer. 'Good, Brother Val Kel, First Claw is yours to lead. Do any challenge his right?' And at this there was also no answer. 'Well, now that this issue is settled, let's get back to the ship.'

 

Champion Kel stood as the new captain voxed the warband.

 

'This is Captain Dios Estero to the 64th company, take from the field of battle what is yours and then return to the ship.'

 

 

 

 

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So that's my first bit of fan fiction. I'd like to know what every one thinks, c&cs welcome. Thanks for reading.

 

I'll be editing a few thing here and there as people suggest things, I'll make notes about what has changed.

 

Edit #1 - Name Changes

Edit #2 - 'Set the scene' a little bit better in the beginning.

[Olis]

I think a little more needs to be added to that first sentence (or after it) as I think it's a little abrupt on it's own. Besides a little fleshing out here and there, it seems fine to me. :huh:

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Change the names, the startlingly obvious DC/Green Lantern references have a negative effect on the prose.

[Sinners Red]

Change the names, the startlingly obvious DC/Green Lantern references have a negative effect on the prose.

 

I afraid that would happen, but for some reason I really wanted it to work... But the point is well taken. I'll edit the names, try to keep some of the flair but water it down a lot more.

 

Thanks for the input!

[Kol Saresk]

Yeah I saw Val Kel and immediately thought Kal'el. Not bad, but does seem rather obvious and immediately draws the reader's mind from the story. Second, some minor spelling errors, but nothing that makes it impossible to read. Spell check should catch most of it, but a decent read through should catch anything else. Third, flesh out the first paragraph. I am able to gather immediately that since there are dead Night Lords, there must have been a battle of sorts. Help show that. Maybe state how a little about the battle, like who they were fighting and if any of the enemies bodies happen to be around. The man might have been a coward but cowards tend to have a way of taking the most bodies to the grave with them. So just a little expansion on that part, some fleshing out. You don't want too much detail, but enough to build a scenery in your mind. Right now, I'm imaging some dead bodies. No burning red sky or if they are in a forest, desert, grassy plain, dirty plain or any other kind of environment. Give the reader a picture, but leave enough out that their imagination can fill somethings in.

 

Still, good story. You're not bad, really you're not. I actually look forward to more.

[Sinners Red]

Yeah I saw Val Kel and immediately thought Kal'el.

 

HA and that's after the name change! That one was completely unintentional. Originally his name was Ark K'illo and then there was Champion Sines Estero, I was using the yellow lantern corps for inspiration.

 

Also thank you for the input. It's not much of an excuse but my copy of Microsoft word is acting weird and not allowing me to edit my documents, and anything not caught by chrome is slipping through, I'll make sure to proof read it some more.

 

And hopefully I'll be able to flesh out the first paragraph soon.

[Kol Saresk]

Hey, nothing to kill yourself over. The way I look at it, if professional authors whose books are proof read by professional editors are allowed to have spelling errors, you are too. But it is going to be something people notice.

 

Something that could help is getting someone to just read it as a story, like on here, instead of just proof reading it, as when I try to proof read my own, very few, writings, I find that I miss more stuff when I am looking for it then when I just read it. I hope that makes sense.