IA: White Stars V2.2

[Razblood]

This is my second crack at this, with the first being terrible

I hope this one is received better and I actually look forward to the "gentle attention" of the Liber

The White Stars Space Marines Chapter


Vanguard Veteran of the 1st Crusade Company

Origins

Created during the 20th Founding (M36) of the lineage of Rogal Dorn for the purpose of guarding against Xenos threats from the Halo Stars region The White Stars were a Codex adherent Chapter who were based in the southern edge of the Dursus Marches, a small region of space to the galactic southeast of the Halo Stars.

For over 3500 years they, despite the occasional setback, were highly successful in prosecuting their given duty and though their victories would not be the stuff of legend, among the Adepts of Terra they were well regarded and considered a reliable source of experience to the Xenos hunting Deathwatch due to their encounters with the numerous alien species in the area.

This would however change drastically towards the end of the 40th Millennium when an incident would occur which severely damaged the Chapter and caused them to abandon not only the Codex Astartes but also their homeworld and begin a Crusade which continues to this day.

The incident occurred beneath their Fortress Monastery, which had been built atop the ruins of some ancient and abandoned fortification.

During the expansion of the lower part of the monastery a Xenos artifact was discovered which the Master of the Forge suggested by it's design to be a portal of some kind , an especially large one at that. How it functioned and the material it was composed of were to remain a mystery. Obviously it was not acceptable for Xenos tech such as this to be located in such a secure location and therefore the Chapter Master Kyrin Sunroar ordered that it be destroyed immediately, but it was not to be that easy and despite the best efforts of the Master of the Forge and his subordinates they were unable to do more than mar the surface of the structure.

The Librarius was consulted to attempt to discern the origins of the portal, but it was as though the artifact did not exist and they could glean no information regarding it's provenance.

At this point the Chapter Master was to make his fatal error, deciding that perhaps his ancient Relic Blade "Star Saber" would be more successful due to it having been forged in the early years of the Chapter from the remains of a meteorite with some unusual properties, which had never met anything it could not cut through and struck the Webway Gate.
Because of this action, the Chapter Master, the Chapter's most highly prized relic the "Star Saber" and approximately four Companies were lost. The devastation caused to the Fortress Monastery was significant, nearly half of it was destroyed including over half of the Armoury and a large chunk of bedrock stretching up to nine miles north of the Fortress complex.

In the aftermath of this event the twin brother of Kyrin, Ventus was elevated to the position of Chapter Master and set about restoring the Chapter which was made all the more difficult due to the Chapters relative isolation from Imperial aid.
However before any progress could be made the members of the Chapters Librarius were struck with horrifying visions of the destruction of the Chapter at the hands of a dark figure wielding what could only be the Star Saber with a host of dark armoured Marines and screaming Chaos worshippers at his back, followed by a shining light which spoke the words "Seek him and recover what was lost, lest he finds you and brings your end. Be quick, I will guide you when I can". Believing these visions to be warnings from the Primarch the Chief Librarian went before the Chapter Master and informed him of the calamity to come.

Swiftly the remaining six Companies including the 1st and 10th were reorganised into 3 "Crusade Companies" which would head out into Imperium seeking word of this dark host led by someone wielding this unique blade and thus began a crusade which has now lasted for over 900 years, for good or ill inching ever closer to it's goal.

Home World

The world of Callos has been the home to The White Stars Chapter since approximately a century after it was founded. The first Chapter Master Inigo Stone formerly of the Iron Knights Chapter followed the prescience of his Chief Librarian who, after receiving what could only be a vision of Dorn, advocated following the light of a distant White Neutron Star which led them to Callos, the only planet from which it could be clearly seen at all times. This was also reason for the Chapter being named the White Stars.

"Did the message get through?"

"I believe so, though I do not believe I made contact with one of our kin"

"What!?! Who then?"

"The mind was blunt, primitive, like stone....A Krork perhaps? It was difficult to convey meaning, in the end I had to resort to basic images"

"What did you use? If it was a Krork I hope it wasn't too complex"

"I shouldn't think so, even a Necrontyr would understand....If they still had minds that is. I used a view from the surface, of that strange White star which is visible throughout the Solar cycle as well as a direction from the Homeworlds. It will be visible from there, so they should be able to discern our location"

"Good! And hopefully the Necrontyr will have ceased their bombardment and left the area before our brethren arrive, so that they have the time to decipher that cursed artifact and get us out of here!"

"Have faith Eithanir, we shall be free soon enough"

Why this vision led them to Callos is unknown, however the Chapters leaders believed that it must be of great import to the Primarch for them to be in this place.

The 4th planet in it's system (an unnamed system on the edge of explored space in Segmentum Pacificus with the designation H665.42A), Callos is a temperate but barren world from which all life appears to have been scoured in some ancient cataclysm. Recruiting takes place from the 3rd planet of the system Torv, which plays host to several large fiefdoms of pre-industrial humans originating from an ancient lost colony who are in an almost perpetual state of conflict; making the world an ideal place of recruitment.

Archeological evidence suggest that the enigmatic Eldar had some connection to Callos in the ancient past, though there appears to be no connection in the present time.

Since the Chapters reorganisation it appears as if they have abandoned Callos completely, taking everything that remained within the ruins of their Fortress Monastery with them.

The Star Saber

Placeholder until I finish writing the fluff

Combat Doctrine

Formerly the White Stars operated in traditional Codex fashion and very rarely deviated from the tenets of Guilleman's text, however since the reorganisation into Crusade Companies and due to a reduced heavy vehicle capacity they tend to rely on precision strikes, eliminating the leaders and heavy support of the enemy.
Any supply lines the enemy may have will be harried by jump pack equipped and/or bike mounted Assault Squads frequently accompanied by the Chapters Chaplains, whose fiery rhetoric and righteous rage casts fear into the heart of the enemy.
After this they will overwhelm any remaining threat with Tactical and Devastator squads, with support from whichever of the remaining forces is most appropriate.

Where possible the White Stars prefer to have superior numbers in any conflict they engage, they will therefore endeavour to avoid full scale engagement and adopt a hit and run strategy until they can strike in force.
Neophytes are deployed in a support role and kept back as much as possible, due to each companies limited ability to induct new troops.
Librarians are used primarily to predict enemy movements and to chart the crusade companies course with their abilities in Divination, though the way in which this power works is useless for battle they are fully capable of engaging the enemy with more direct abilities when needed.

Due to the losses suffered during the incident at Callos heavy tanks such as Land Raiders are used only when absolutely necessary due to there being very few remaining in each Companies possession. Rhino chassis based vehicles are used more often due to their ease of repair and manufacture. Land Speeders are also quite a rare sight.

Organization

Until the "incident" the Chapter was organised along the lines of a traditional Codex Chapter. The remains of the Chapter are organised into three Crusade Companies comprising approximately 200 Marines each, incorporating elements from the first and tenth Companies. Each Company has it's own pool of vehicles as well as it's own Librarians, Chaplains & Techmarines.

The reasoning behind this was to provide the ability for each Crusade Company to operate more autonomously than a Codex Company. Which would be necessary given the mission before them and their remoteness from the Chapter as a whole.

Beliefs

As with many other Chapters The White Stars do not view the Emperor as a god, but instead revere him as the greatest man who ever lived. They also venerate each of the Primarchs though naturally hold their genesire above the rest.
The strongest belief of the Chapter is that the future is not set, therefore they rely on their Librarians to sift through the infinite possible futures and guide them to the best possible outcome. Since the incident however the Librarians visions are always tinged with darkness and loss, making the best possible outcome harder and harder to divine.

This has had a marked effect on the Battle Brothers of the Chapter, who as time has gone on have become more cold and ruthless in the prosecution of their quest. The upper echelons of the Chapter have noted this and whilst it is dismaying to see the character of the Chapter change so drastically it is deemed necessary for their success. After all, should they fail there will be no more Chapter.
So whereas in the past the Chapter would do their utmost to aid civilians and prevent their unnecessary death, now the Chapter as a whole has adopted the view that the ends justify the means and they will not hesitate to abandon a civilian population or an ally to their fate if it will bring them even an inch closer to their overall goal.

An interesting point is that the White Stars do not use any of the methods of self-flagellation which are common among other Chapters of their geneline, however they are prone to extreme self-recrimination and a sense that their best is not good enough, which drives them to occasional acts of self sacrifice where in some cases it would not be necessary.

Gene-seed

The White Stars are of the line of Dorn and therefore lack the organs that all Chapters of this line do. Their geneseed is stable and no untoward changes have occurred since the Chapter was founded.

One thing of note is that the progenoid glands removed from the Chapters Librarians are kept separately form the progenoids of the Chapter at large. When a potential shows psychic tendancies he is screened by the Librarius and the Reclusiam and should he prove worthy will be implanted with material harvested from these progenoids. It is believed that this makes for a more stable transition and reduces the chances of the potential's powers running out of control. Why this practice came into being is lost to time, but it seems to be effective as very few of the potentials implanted this way fall prey to the usual hazards of geneseed implantation.

Battle-cry

"For Dorn, For the Emperor" "Rally against the darkness" "Today we do not fail"

The White Stars Space Marines Chapter

Homeworld section dialog inspired by an idea of Wulfebane

[Arcadius Solisto]

Looks very nice and sweet and cool! three words of awesome for ya, but one thing i did not understood (cuz i'm not a warp webgate thingy expert) why the gate imploded and took half of everything with it when the chapter master decided to strike it with his sword?

 

also something i'd like to know, how does your DYI interact with the Inquisition and other organs in the Imperium? Since their belief of the Emperor not being a God could bring some dislike and mistrust from their part (but hell, who do they trust?)

 

How do they interact with Civiliand and Xenos? do they care about lives of men and are willing to cope with xenos in extreme situations, or they don't give a damn about them and shoot everything that moves?

[Razblood]

Cheers for the comment, now to your questions...

 

1. I plan to do a little fluff piece to add to the IA in the near future about what happened with the Webway Gate as well as the nature of the Star Saber, but in short, some energies should never interact with each other :)

 

2. The only branch of the inquisition the Chapter has really interacted with are the Ordo Xenos via the Deathwatch, but that was before the Crusade began so now there is no interaction unless it benefits the search which has piqued the interest of the Ordo Hereticus.

 

3. Before the Crusade they were protective of Civilian populations to the same extent that the Imperial Fists/Crimson Fists would be. They have fought alongside the Eldar in the past but don't trust them in the slightest and generally hate all other Xenos. Since the beginning of the Crusade however they will fight to protect Civilians, as long as it does not impede the search and as long as Civilians don't get in their way.

 

Hope that answers your questions ;)

[Wulfebane]

Liked it. Had a few grammatical issues, namely run-on sentences, but I drew two things from the read that niggled at me.

 

The incident occurred beneath their Fortress Monastery, which as regularly happens had been built atop the ruins of some ancient and abandoned fortification.

 

This being a common occurrence is news to me. Don't get me wrong, I like the ruins and the story wouldn't work without it, but I doubt its all that repetitive.

 

since approximately 88 years after it was founded

.

 

Seems rather precise to me. This is just a minor thing that just set my grammar police badge a-buzzing.

 

As to the story, they didn't have any allies they could call on or factions to lend support/resources, such as recruitment volunteers or land raiders? Also, despite picking up the pieces, it didn't feel like the remaining members did more than business as usual. They didn't have anyone to call and ask about the disaster? How will they address the 9 mile gap in perimeter securities?

 

Also, I don't know where the Dursus Marches are and you don't mention an imperial sector.

[Razblood]

Liked it. Had a few grammatical issues, namely run-on sentences, but I drew two things from the read that niggled at me.

 

The incident occurred beneath their Fortress Monastery, which as regularly happens had been built atop the ruins of some ancient and abandoned fortification.

 

This being a common occurrence is news to me. Don't get me wrong, I like the ruins and the story wouldn't work without it, but I doubt its all that repetitive.

 

since approximately 88 years after it was founded

.

 

Seems rather precise to me. This is just a minor thing that just set my grammar police badge a-buzzing.

 

As to the story, they didn't have any allies they could call on or factions to lend support/resources, such as recruitment volunteers or land raiders? Also, despite picking up the pieces, it didn't feel like the remaining members did more than business as usual. They didn't have anyone to call and ask about the disaster? How will they address the 9 mile gap in perimeter securities?

 

Also, I don't know where the Dursus Marches are and you don't mention an imperial sector.

 

Ok, some editing done and info added, though I cant help the grammar as mine has always been a bit crap ;)

 

Please let me know what you think ;)

[Wulfebane]

which was made all the more difficult due to the Chapters relative isolation from Imperial aid.

 

Simple and succinct. I like it.

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the galactic southeast home to the rising Tau empire? Not that it negates an Eldar presence, just thought it might embed your chapter into the region better if you start doing any historical events transpiring in those 600 years.

 

I'm curious about the importance of the white neutron star. Why did they flock to it (like an insect to a bug zapper :lol: ) and why was it necessary/desired to found their homeworld in view of it at all times?

[Razblood]

Thanks for the constructive criticism :P

 

The White Neutron Star in itself was not important, but the vision that the first Chief Librarian had was seen as a gift of the Emperor and the star was the primary symbol of the vision. This led to the belief that as long as they could see the star the emperor would always be watching them.

 

They are actually located in the galactic northwest. They are southeast of the nearest border with the Halo Stars. The only really big things around those parts are the occasional indigenous Xenos attack and a bit of Orky action :lol:

[NightrawenII]

I hope this one is received better and I actually look forward to the "gentle attention" of the Liber

Despair not, I will take care of this with the utmost attention. ^_^

 

But it was not to be that easy and despite the best efforts of the Master of the Forge they were unable to do more than mar the surface of the structure. At this point the Chapter Master was to make his fatal error, deciding that perhaps his ancient Relic Blade "Star Saber" would be more successful due to it having been forged in the early years of the Chapter from the remains of a meteorite with some unusual properties and struck the Webway Gate.

- Well. First off, the Webway Gates are invisible. Second, they are destructible. So there goes the story. ^_^

 

However before any progress could be made the members of the Chapters Librarius were struck with horrifying visions of the destruction of the Chapter at the hands of a dark figure wielding what could only be the Star Saber with a host of dark armoured Marines and screaming Chaos worshippers at his back followed by a shining light which spoke the words "Seek him and recover what as lost, lest he finds you and brings your end. Be quick, I will guide you when I can".

- Heresy! Emperor doesn't speak to people.

- It should be Chaplains though, not Librarians.

 

Swiftly the remaining six Companies including the 1st and 10th were reorganised into 3 "Crusade Companies"

- Why?

 

Home World

The world of Callos has been the home to The White Stars Chapter since approximately a Century after it was founded.

- Century -> Why the capital?

 

The first Chapter Master Inigo Stone formerly of the Iron Knights Chapter followed the prescience of his Chief Librarian in following the light of a White Neutron Star which led them to Callos, the only planet from which it could be clearly seen at all times. This also led to the Chapter being named the White Stars. This also led to the Chapter being named the White Stars.

- followed... following... led... led

- The bolded part is... mystery to me.

- If I got it right... Your Chapter was led her to be blown into smithereens?

 

Combat Doctrine

...they tend to battle through overwhelming their enemies with quality and quantity.

- I don't follow. Either you owerhelm your enemy with quality or quantity. Not both at the same time!

 

A heavy focus on Tactical Squads is apparent as well as focused Devastator squads generally all armed with the same weaponry in order to maximise damage whether it be anti-infantry or anti-armour, with heavy weapon equipped Tactical Marines covering any shortfall. Scouts are deployed in a support role and kept back as much as possible, due to each companies limited ability to induct new troops. Assault Squads are used for ranging ahead and gauging the lay of the land as well as their traditional role of rapid engagement.

 

Librarians are used primarily to predict enemy movements and to chart the crusade companies course with their abilities in Divination, though they are fully capable of engaging the enemy when needed.

 

Heavy tanks such as Land Raiders are used only when absolutely necessary due to very few remaining in each Companies possession. Rhino chassis based vehicles are used more often due to their ease of repair and manufacture. Land Speeders are also quite a rare sight.

- Superfluous. 'Combat Doctrine' section is better conveyed with strategical(or operational) principles rather than the tactical. Tactic changes with each Codex (or every time you get bored of your army-list), the strategy remains mostly unchanged.

 

Beliefs

The strongest belief of the Chapter is that the future is not set, therefore they rely on their Librarians to sift through the infinite possible futures and guide them to the best possible outcome.

- Haha, so when they found the Eldar Webway Gate, why did they not used their divination skill to see the best outcome? ;)

 

++++

Overall: It's better than the first attempt. But...

The story-plot fails under close scrutiny. and it's too Deus ex Machina-esque. I think it would be for better to:

Move the incident more in the past and see how the prophecy wears on the Chapter, as the visions are getting more and more sinister.

Research the Dark Angels and Silver Skulls Chapters, both of them have pieces you can play with.

 

 

~NightrawenII.

[Razblood]

Cheers for the advice :eek

 

I'm going to take your points onboard and see if I can come up with something that works a bit better. Aside from the grammar, as my grammar is pretty shocking <_<

 

However before any progress could be made the members of the Chapters Librarius were struck with horrifying visions of the destruction of the Chapter at the hands of a dark figure wielding what could only be the Star Saber with a host of dark armoured Marines and screaming Chaos worshippers at his back followed by a shining light which spoke the words "Seek him and recover what as lost, lest he finds you and brings your end. Be quick, I will guide you when I can".

- Heresy! Emperor doesn't speak to people.

- It should be Chaplains though, not Librarians.

 

They believed it to be the Emperor, this doesn't mean it was ;) although I may change this to a vision of Dorn. Would that make more sense?

 

Do Chaplains have visions?

[NightrawenII]

"Traditions learned over generations die hard and the Chapter's Chaplains continue the practices of their ancestors, slipping into death-like coma's on the eve of battle in order to divine the Emperor's will and advise their battle chieftain accordingly.

 

On the day of the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension (998.M41), the entire Chaplaincy of the Mortifcators fell into a deathly trance lasting seven days and seven nights. When they regained consciousness it was to deliver a chilling prophecy. The war on Armageddon against the Beast would be the Last Battle and all men who would be warriors were called upon to fight in it."

~Index Astartes: Mortifactors, Armageddon War website {access denied <_< }

[Wulfebane]

SW Rune Priests use divination all the time via runic spells, and their initiation rites place aspirants in hallucinations akin to spiritual journeys to discern their soul's defense against chaotic lures..

 

Blood Raven librarians also go to great lengths to prognosticate futures for the sake of the best course of action..

 

All that said, I don't think it would be inaccurate to assume librarians can have prophetic visions.

 

 

My take on the vision and Emprah!/Dorn involvement. Initially, I took it to be an Eldar warlock pretending to be someone of importance to the chapter so they would follow his message. This was because of the artifact and homeworld having Eldar influence, perhaps the device that has caused the incident has done so before and the Eldar who were once the sovereigns of the homeworld are also trapped.

[Razblood]

My take on the vision and Emprah!/Dorn involvement. Initially, I took it to be an Eldar warlock pretending to be someone of importance to the chapter so they would follow his message. This was because of the artifact and homeworld having Eldar influence, perhaps the device that has caused the incident has done so before and the Eldar who were once the sovereigns of the homeworld are also trapped.

 

I like that :blink:

 

I think I'll have to work something along those lines into the next draft.

 

Full credit will be given of course :jaw:

[Razblood]

Post no.1 revised.

[Razblood]

Post no.1 revised again :lol:

[Razblood]

Geneseed section extended.

[Razblood]

5 days with plenty of views and no comments...guess my IA is pretty much perfect then :P :lol:

 

But in all seriousness I really would like some feedback as to where it could be further improved, as I actually hope to get this one onto the Tabula Astartes :)

 

I do have another small fluff piece about the Star Saber to add at some point(when I manage to put one together that is), but for now I can't seem to see anything else I can do to tighten it up.

[Aqui]

The results of this action was that along with approximately Four Companies and a large section of the Armoury nearly half of the Fortress Monastery and a large chunk of bedrock up to 9 miles in a northern direction facing away from the Fortress Monastery vanished along with the Ill-fated Chapter Master and the Chapters most prized relic the "Star Saber".

 

This sentence seems a little unwieldy :(

 

Perhaps it could go something like:

 

Because of this action, the Chapter Master, the highly prized "Star Sabre" and approximately four Companies were lost. The devastation caused to the Fortress Monastery was significant, nearly half of it was destroyed including the Armoury and a large chunk of bedrock stretching up to nine miles north of the Fortress complex.

 

Feel free to ignore it if you wish ;)

 

Other than that, good to read up on your Chapter. I should get around to doing all my DIYs, but I have far more fun writing stories than articles :huh:

[Razblood]

The results of this action was that along with approximately Four Companies and a large section of the Armoury nearly half of the Fortress Monastery and a large chunk of bedrock up to 9 miles in a northern direction facing away from the Fortress Monastery vanished along with the Ill-fated Chapter Master and the Chapters most prized relic the "Star Saber".

 

This sentence seems a little unwieldy :(

 

Perhaps it could go something like:

 

Because of this action, the Chapter Master, the highly prized "Star Sabre" and approximately four Companies were lost. The devastation caused to the Fortress Monastery was significant, nearly half of it was destroyed including the Armoury and a large chunk of bedrock stretching up to nine miles north of the Fortress complex.

 

Feel free to ignore it if you wish :)

 

Other than that, good to read up on your Chapter. I should get around to doing all my DIYs, but I have far more fun writing stories than articles :D

 

Your sentence structure completely kicks the crap out of mine so if you don't mind I'm pretty much gonna just copy & paste this ;)

 

And I'd be really interested to see some of your DIY's in the Liber, think of it as saving your writing to a back-up ;)

[Aqui]

The results of this action was that along with approximately Four Companies and a large section of the Armoury nearly half of the Fortress Monastery and a large chunk of bedrock up to 9 miles in a northern direction facing away from the Fortress Monastery vanished along with the Ill-fated Chapter Master and the Chapters most prized relic the "Star Saber".

 

This sentence seems a little unwieldy :(

 

Perhaps it could go something like:

 

Because of this action, the Chapter Master, the highly prized "Star Sabre" and approximately four Companies were lost. The devastation caused to the Fortress Monastery was significant, nearly half of it was destroyed including the Armoury and a large chunk of bedrock stretching up to nine miles north of the Fortress complex.

 

Feel free to ignore it if you wish :)

 

Other than that, good to read up on your Chapter. I should get around to doing all my DIYs, but I have far more fun writing stories than articles :tu:

 

Your sentence structure completely kicks the crap out of mine so if you don't mind I'm pretty much gonna just copy & paste this ;)

 

And I'd be really interested to see some of your DIY's in the Liber, think of it as saving your writing to a back-up ;)

 

Feel free to add it ^_^.

 

I haven't touched mine for quite some time, so they're deep in the darkest part of the Liber :lol: I'll update them eventually, probably after the operation I'm due for in a couple of weeks. I'll have at least three weeks off to occupy myself. However, the link to all the stuff I'm doing is on my profile Page (its gotten too big to put in my signature :P ) if you'd like to see it all.

[Razblood]

Good luck with your operation, I know from personal experience that even small ones can take a lot out of you.

 

I'll take a look at your stuff, possibly engage in some old fashioned plagarism

[Aegnor]

There's lots here I like. I see no issue with Librarians receiving the visions as opposed to Chaplains - it would be much more common for Librarians to receive visions.

[Razblood]

Many thanks for the comment B)

[Razblood]

Well I've left it alone for a while in the hopes that I may get some more feedback, alas this has not happened :lol:

 

So this is a bit of a bump just to get some notice and hopefully feedback ;)

[Octavulg]

I find this really hard to read since it's all single lines and not proper paragraphs. 

 

Changing that'd probably help a lot, I think.  I don't mean "add more", I mean just take out some of the excess line breaks. 

[Razblood]

Thanks for taking a look :)

 

I've sorted the line break issue as best I can and took the opportunity to tweak here and there so please let me know if this is any better?