IA: White Stars V2.2

[Octavulg]

Created during the 20th Founding (M36) of the lineage of Rogal Dorn for the purpose of guarding against Xenos threats from the Halo Stars region The White Stars were a Codex adherent Chapter who were based in the southern edge of the Dursus Marches, a small region of space to the galactic southeast of the Halo Stars.

The 20th founding is M35.

At this point the Chapter Master was to make his fatal error, deciding that perhaps his ancient Relic Blade "Star Saber" would be more successful due to it having been forged in the early years of the Chapter from the remains of a meteorite with some unusual properties, which had never met anything it could not cut through and struck the Webway Gate.

If explosives and lascannons don’t work, I SHOULD HIT IT WITH A STICK! That’s the reasoning you’re using here, and I don’t think it works that well. Plus, who doesn’t evacuate a Fortress-Monastery before trying to blow it up? And it also feels quite plot-devicey. All in all, it just ends up feeling arbitrary.

If you’re really married to having the sword and the gate, I’d have the sword be found on the site of the Fortress Monastery, made from a mysterious material. They purify it, forget about it for a few centuries, discover the gate, sword appears to be the key, enter the key, FM disappears in a big explosion, vision, etc. A bit of foreshadowing, basically.

Alternately, just have the Marines come back to a destroyed Monastery, some dead companies, and no idea what happened. Crusade for information and vengeance (the vision still works here, and everyone loves a good mystery).

Either way, it needs to be less arbitrary. Right now it really feels like everything’s happening because the plot demands it.

* * *

Simple, but you’ve thought it through, and it shows. That said, the actual incident needs some looking at, and your writing could use a polish. I like it, though.

[Razblood]

Thanks for giving it another look :)

 

I'll give it some thought and see what I can put together, but the sword and the gate are necessary as they provide an overarching theme linking this and what I have coming up next :devil:

 

As for the 20th founding error, the fault lies with Lexicanium and a fluff piece in an old late RT era WD :lol:

 

But thanks again for taking the time.

[Octavulg]

I'll give it some thought and see what I can put together, but the sword and the gate are necessary as they provide an overarching theme linking this and what I have coming up next

Sure. But right now, they feel like plot devices. Integrate them more smoothly, and while it'll still be apparent they are, it won't feel so obvious.

I mean, seriously. Right now, your Chapter Master tries to destroy a piece of arcane alien technology by hitting it with a rock. The only reason he'd try that is because you made him.