Forsworn Sons

[spu00sed]

Chapter 1

 

Senaca slowly advanced through the rubble strewn streets, his fellows fanning out around him. The ruined streets rang with the sounds of the legion making the planet compliment, and was thick with dust. Senaca switched between the different vision setting available to him, silently swearing as none of them helped dispel the static that swarmed across his vision. In the end he settled on prey sight, a mixture of the visual spectrum, with possible hostiles identified in the infrared allowing them to be tracked behind cover, though even this was all but useless, with endless squalls of white noise washing over it.

 

The squad vox crackled into life, "possible conta..... Approximately ...... Contac..... 150 metr...."

 

Senaca, cursed yet again, this time his ire was a the vox's machine spirit. All of their equipment was on the verge of constant failure. Senaca looked across at Genaeus as he struck the side of the auspex. They couldn't even trust it's seeking field to find the enemy.

 

Senaca send a brief pulse through the local vox, getting their attention. He quickly made a series of gestures to his fellows, they understood his orders. They had all gotten use to not being able to use the vox. They had adapted and learnt the old ways of battlefield communications, perfecting them as only their legion could.

 

The 10 marines quickly moved to the surroundings ruins and began to scale the walls climbing hand over hand, not risking the use of their jump packs. If the enemy were close they would hear the roar of the turbo jets.

 

Senaca climbed quickly, but also carefully. His armour was pitted, scarred and he didn't want to lose anymore of the colouring, his only link left to his legion. They couldn't reprint their armour, and he would be damned if he allowed it to lose the proud colours given to them by the Emperor and the primarch.

 

The marines soon found places in the ruined buildings three and four stories above the ground. Without a reliable vox they had fallen back on a standard plan, Albinus would take the first shot, and then they would kill those who would resist compliance.

 

As he settled into positioned, Senaca's gaze around the room he had taken position in. Ruined furniture littered the place and in one corner he spied a cracked mirror. In it he saw his broken reflection. A powerful and brutal giant in purple and gold, though most of the colour was now that of bare ceramite and the black of war. He quickly pulled his gaze from the mirror, but not quick enough to avoid the painful reminder of his shame. A shame he would expunge or die trying. The absents pained him, or his chest plate was plain, lacking in adornment. Missing what his brothers wore with pride, the Palatine Aquila.

[Olis]

Not bad. Needs a little interaction between the brothers if you want a scene setter/introductory chapter, establish a little character amongst the squad. Besides that it seemed alright although I did find some typos. I thought I'd outline the corrections in bold. :lol:

 

The ruined streets rang with the sounds of the legion making the planet compliant, and was thick with dust.

 

Senaca, cursed yet again, this time his ire was at the vox's machine spirit.

 

Senaca sent a brief pulse through the local vox, getting their attention.

 

The 10 marines quickly moved to the surrounding ruins and began to scale the walls climbing hand over hand, not risking the use of their jump packs.

 

The absence pained him, or his chest plate was plain, lacking in adornment. Missing what his brothers wore with pride, the Palatine Aquila.

[spu00sed]

That's for the input.

 

Indeed all the help I can get.

 

Dyslexia really srrews with putting pen to paper.

 

Though I have often fond my stories get better as they develop. I stutter at the start and then get in the swing of things.

 

It doesn't help that I am trying out pages on the ipad for this and it misses keystrokes.

 

Edit. I also wanted the first chapter to be a bit vague. Who are these marines. What caused the interference and so on.

 

Reflecting I might replace the idea of compliance, since it states that are loyal.

 

My plan was

 

Begin with uncertain

 

Refrain the flaw and pain

 

Try to find absolution.

 

However I would never disclose the reason for hand