Ultra Angels

[Ultra-Angels(CM)]

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<p>The Ultra Angels are second founding fleet-based chapter of the Ultramarines that were created to campaigne across the vast expanse of the Imperiums largest territory known as the Ultima Segmentum which is almost the same reason why the Eagle Warriors chapter was created except with a few minor differences although having two space marine chapters with nearly the same purpose for their founding is not common but considering the shear size of the Ultima Segmentum it was easily recognised by the High Lord of Terra that no single chapter would be able manage such a task & the fact that the Ultramarines still had many vessels to spare inorder to found the two Fleet-based chapters when the Horus Heresy was finaly over & the Codex Astartese was put into effect with most of the space marine Legions deviding into chapters.</p>
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<p>Since their Founding the Ultra Angels have fought every foe of the Imperium many times over earning the chapter an overall battle record that rivals even the great Ultramarines chapter not including when the Ultramarines battle record as a legion consisted of incalculable data during the Great Crusade but even so the Ultra Angels are a chapter with a renown standing throughout the imperium & are even amongst the chapters mensioned in the halls of glory on Holy Terra unlike many chapters who either do not record their history as much as the Ultra Angels or just prefer secrecy as a deffence against corruption, the Ultra Angels are also highly trusted by the Inquisition with atleast five space marines serving in the ranks of the Death Watch constantly & the entire Ultra Angels chapter has taken part in missions to attempt to track down the elusive Soul Drinkers chapter who are widely considered to be renegades or rouges at best under the orders of the High Lords of Terra with Guidance from Inquisitor Tiberius  of the Ordo Hereticus who himself has had many more dealings with the Ultra Angels none of which have been due to there being corruption within the chapter because there has never been corruption within the Ultra Angels.</p>
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<p>....to be Continued.</p>
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<p>By Ultra-Angels(CM)</p>

[Leonaides]

"because there has never been corruption within the Ultra Angels."

 

I'll just interject that there 'has' been corruption amongst the Ultra Angels, since the Grey Knights are unique in that they have never had a traitor from within their ranks. 

 

That being said, a pretty good first stab for a chapter, though I'd try and thin out a few of the ideas - you've got them arriving near ultramar to help with the Behemoth clean-up, I see Red Corsairs mentioned, and then you get to the Orks... Even marines prefer to fight one enemy at a time (it makes it easier to actually get rid of them rather than just culling a few and having to come back and complete the job later). It almost feels like name-dropping for the sake of name-dropping (though I'm sure you didnt mean it to come across like that).

 

I'd also point out that "almost complete sacrifice of the Ultramarines chapter" wasnt. As far as I can recall (and it may have been retconned in which case I apologise) they lost about a quarter of their marines - serious loss of course, but not exactly an almost complete sacrifice.

 

Others will be along shortly I'm sure to give you some better help...

[Phoros]

I'll just point out that "Ultra Angels" sounds a little clunky and too much like a combination of Ultramarines and Dark/Blood Angels. "Angels Ultima", perhaps?

[Olis]

First off, not a bad colour scheme. A wee bit fiddly but not bad looking at all - I think we can stick that in the 'Keepers' pile.

The Ultra Angels are second founding fleet-based chapter of the Ultramarines that were created to campaigne across the vast expanse of the Imperiums largest territory known as the Ultima Segmentum which is almost the same reason why the Eagle Warriors chapter was created except with a few minor differences although having two space marine chapters with nearly the same purpose for their founding is not common but considering the shear size of the Ultima Segmentum it was easily recognised by the High Lord of Terra that no single chapter would be able manage such a task & the fact that the Ultramarines still had many vessels to spare inorder to found the two Fleet-based chapters when the Horus Heresy was finaly over & the Codex Astartese was put into effect with most of the space marine Legions deviding into chapters.

Okay, this is where things get a little out of hand. The first thing I will address in the name. The Ultra Angels? To be honest, it sounds like a cheap Vegas circus act rather than a space marine chapter's name. I would recommend changing that to something a bit more butch. Phoros' suggestion of the 'Angels Ultima' is a good start but I feel that perhaps you may not be keen to butcher the original name as such. Maybe a shift to something entirely new would be appropriate - I don't know as it is you that must make that decision.

Next on the agenda is the mention of them being of the Second Founding. As a general rule of thumb, it is wise to leave the Second Founding well alone as it tends to be GW's fluff territory to use, rather than ours. A third or Fourth Founding would work equally as well as saying they were from the Second Founding.

Next: Name dropping. It is unnecessary to name drop known chapters unless it is for a very good reason. If your chapter is worthy of song and saga, let them stand on their own feet, alone, rather than resting on the shoulders of others.

Moving on... I really must urge you to structure your paragraphs with more grammar - we need actual sentences! There is one solitary full stop (period) in that entire paragraph, sitting very prettily at the end, and zero commas. You must include more of them as the feeling of reading an entire paragraph without pause can leave the reader mentally breathless. At the moment it's just one big blob. It's very stodgy to read. The next paragraph is just as bad and the one following that too, even though they do indeed have a comma or two in them, they are simply too few and the lack of full stops compounds the issue, rendering them largely ineffective. I'm not here to have a go at you - I really honestly want to see this entry get better and become something wonderful to read. But for it to become that, you'll need to address the fundamental inclusion and application of grammar.

Since their Founding the Ultra Angels have fought every foe of the Imperium many times over earning the chapter an overall battle record that rivals even the great Ultramarines chapter not including when the Ultramarines battle record as a legion consisted of incalculable data during the Great Crusade but even so the Ultra Angels are a chapter with a renown standing throughout the imperium & are even amongst the chapters mensioned in the halls of glory on Holy Terra unlike many chapters who either do not record their history as much as the Ultra Angels or just prefer secrecy as a deffence against corruption, the Ultra Angels are also highly trusted by the Inquisition with atleast five space marines serving in the ranks of the Death Watch constantly & the entire Ultra Angels chapter has taken part in missions to attempt to track down the elusive Soul Drinkers chapter who are widely considered to be renegades or rouges at best under the orders of the High Lords of Terra with Guidance from Inquisitor Tiberius of the Ordo Hereticus who himself has had many more dealings with the Ultra Angels none of which have been due to there being corruption within the chapter because there has never been corruption within the Ultra Angels.

Hmm. I think the majority of this paragraph says a lot but tells us very little of the character of the chapter. In fact, this entire paragraph could be deleted and it wouldn't affect the article much at all, I'm afraid. Much of what is said is either an attempt to elevate your DIY to a grander standing than it should have or it is data that is entirely unremarkable, as far as Space Marine chapters go. The whole name dropping once again rears it's head, which needs to be curtailed if you want your chapter to stand proud as a successor.

Currently the Ultra Angels are Campaigning against the Tyranids after receiving a distress call from the Ultramarines chapter that aid was needed in order to secure variouse sectors & sub-sectors near Ultramar inorder for the massive scale rebuilding process to commence that is needed after hive fleet Behemoth rampaged across the south-easton parts of the Ultima Segmentum which caused hundreds of Imperiul worlds to fall to the Xenos but at the climactic battle for Macragge hive fleet Behemoth was defeated only by the almost complete sacrifice of the Ultramarines chapter but the Ultra Angels at the time of the defence of Macragge were actually within the borders of the Segmentum Solar after receiving a distress call that a large ork waaagh! that was believed to have somehow traveled south-west while inroute to the Armageddon sector arrived in the Harkon System, with no immediate imperial aid available due to a few space marine chapters being called into battle against the red Corsairs chaos space marines that were pilaging nearby, when the Ultra Angels Arrived in the Harkon Sector the chapters leaders where suprised how quickly the orks had overun the sector but when chapter master Adrian Antioch & his forces were able to make it to the surface of Harkon the imperial Guard Homeworld they met with the Imperial Guard high Command & it was assured that the imperial guard had made a valiant effort in deffending the system but the unexpected arrival of a such a large Ork Waaagh! quickly proved to great for the sectors deffences this was also proven by the fact that a great number of orks had died compared to how many Imperial Guardsmen were killed in the initial battle but if the imperial Guard lord General & Govenor of the Harkon System Daniel ????? had not given the order to retreat to greater fortifications throughout the sector on variouse worlds when he did more than half the imperiul Guard army would have been slaughtered although now that the orks controled most of the regions of the three major planets in the sector that were being invaded it was only a matter of time before the orks looting would strengthen the feral xenos army so much that defeat was inevitable with all attempts by the Harkon Imperiul Guard of regaining vital locations within Ork controled territory having failed it was now up to the Ultra Angels to devise a battle plan to exterminate the Ork Waaagh!, first Chapter Master Adrian decided to devide the Ultra Angels into three battle groups one for each world that was being invaded by the orks of the three world there consisted a Imperiul Guard Home World an Adeptas Mechanicus Forge World & a Penal World which is one of the Harkon Imperial Guards Recruiting Worlds, the Ultra Angels were devided as such nearly all of the First company would Remain on the Imperiul Guard Home World due to the fact that it was believed that the Ork Warboss was present on that world because of the number of Orks that had attacked the imperiul guard home world compared to the other worlds that were being invaded if so the Ork Warboss would surely have the most battle hardened Orks apart of his chosen attack force aswell......to be continued.

By Ultra-Angels(CM)

Okay. This needs to be simplified and shortened significantly if you expect the reader to care about this paragraph. It is riddled with ideas and tangents that should not be there, in terms of writing out a back story. I'm sure the idea is or was grand in scope when you were typing it out but it needs to become more focused and more concise for the sake of the story. Nevermind some of the things said sound off or wrong - we can address that after the more important issues have been sorted. You need to reel in the scattergun effect here and give us a story that doesn't ramble.

If any of this commentary or critique has struck particularly hard, I'm sorry. I know personal projects are carried close to the heart and any sort of hard critique of it may feel painful but we're not here to simply rubbish your ideas. We're here to help. Some of it will be harsh, no doubt about that, but once you take on the advice given and change what you've got, the end result will be of a much much higher quality than it was when it started. :)

[Veteran Sergeant]

I will echo that "Ultra Angels" isn't the greatest of names.  Like I mentioned in another Liber recently, there are literally Zero official Ultramarines successors that use the word "Ultra".  The derivative names are the territory of the Blood Angels and Dark Angels successors.  I'm not saying you can't, or even shouldn't use that name.  I'm just saying that, in general, Ultramarines successor chapters take on their own unique names, and not a derivation of Ultramarines. 

 

 

earning the chapter an overall battle record that rivals even the great Ultramarines chapter

This sounds pretty "unique snowlflake" here, to be honest.  The Ultramarines are, quite literally, "The Greatest of All Space Marine Chapters", as laid down by Rick Priestley back in 1994.  If the Ultra Eagles were so awesome, we'd probably have heard of them by now.  I mean, don't let anyone stop you from writing an "awesome" Space Marine chapter that has been very successful.  It's your story.  By all means your chapter can have kicked ass up and down, back and forth, across the galaxy.  But I'd stop short of such grandiose depictions.  It's a big galaxy with a lot of planets and a lot of battles. But the Ultramarines have literally been the principal force instrumental in stopping two entire Hive Fleets, lol. It's going to be hard for your chapter to match that without inventing some pretty ludicrous campaigns for them. 

 

 

there has never been corruption within the Ultra Angels.

If your chapter was 25th or 26th Founding, this might be plausible, simply because the Chapter hasn't been around long enough to have somebody go bad. But you're telling us that this chapter, in existence for 10,000 years, hasn't had a single rogue Space Marine?  Again, this seems like it's a bit too grandiose of a claim.  Especially since the Grey Knights are explicitly unique in this regard in official fluff.

 

The last part is an interesting recount of a battle, but seems too long for an IA article, and also somethat out of place. 

The last part, and don't take it as criticism as I am guessing English isn't your first language, but the article needs a lot of cleanup.  All of the paragraphs are run-on sentences of a giant magnitude, which makes them difficult to read, and sometimes difficult to clearly understand.  Break up your paragraphs more often, and use shorter sentences wherever possible.