Sun Striders WIP

[Hamertime95]

Hey Just like to say this is my first attempt at a DIY chapter so things might not be great also sorry in advance for all the problems im having with copy and pasting it over making the writing a bit of a mess

The Sun Striders

Chapter Name: The Sun Striders

Founding: 7^th Founding

Gene-Seed: Sanguinius

Progenitor Chapter: Blood Angels

Homeworld: Former “Valarian” Presently Fleet

Based

Chapter Master: Tirion Ignus

Specialization: Fast moving hit and run tactics, love

of flamer weaponry.

Chapter Colours: Bone White with Orange and Red Legs

and Shoulders with Gold Trim.

Chapter Symbol: A blazing sun or Phoenix with upward

wings

Battle Cry: Sagnuiem, et ignem (Blood and Fire)

or For Valarian!

Motto: In fire we live, in ashes we are

reborn.

Status: Excommunicate Traitoris

The Sun Striders could be argued as being arrogant and vain, spending much time on

appearances of their armour and weapons before battle, however all their

rituals are seen as essential in carrying out the Emperors work and their

bravery, Valour and determination for the good of the Imperium and its people

has never been in question.

A report

from Captain Erikus of The Angels Encarmine

Origins

The Sun

Striders were officially created by the High lords of Terra during the 7^th

founding but they personally trace their History back almost 500 years before

hand.

The Sun

Striders claim their heritage back to the Blood Angels where there Chapter

Master Rhaegar was a Captain in a travelling fleet. The fleet was ambushed

during a warp storm by Daemons and the small group of ships were all lost. A

small section of some 30 marines managed to escape in Drop Pods and land upon a

nearby planet, later to become their Homeworld Valarian.

The

surviving Marines were scattered across the planet and they soon came to meet

the native population of humans on the Planet. Valarian is a medieval aged

planet with many strong kingdoms controlling areas vast recourse and nature in

a land predominantly mountainous and Volcanic or covered in huge deserts.

The Marines

soon regrouped and discovering no way of leaving the planet or sending a

message out to the Imperium they quickly found their way into places of power

amongst the kingdoms and brought them together under a united front, being led

by then Captain Rhaegar of the 9^th Company, the most senior

surviving member of the Marine survivors.

Daemons from

the orbiting warp storms around the planet began to spawn on the planet led by

the Daemon Prince Vel’kedranaok. The Marines began to train the warriors and

knights of the population into an adaptable fighting force being able to quickly deploy and redeploy their forces to combat the daemon host, the natives picked up these tactics very quickly, something that heavily impressed the remaining marine forces..

Using hit

and run tactics a drawn out war with the Daemons lasted for almost 490 years

which escalated with the battle of Sky Rock where Rhaegar slew the Daemon

Prince Vel’kedranaok but not without sustaining near fatal wounds, with the

prince gone the Daemon spawn retreated back to the warp with Librarian Orisium

closing the rifts behind them.

With the

warp Storms clearing above them a distress signal finally reaches Imperium

forces and an Inquisition ship soon arrives. After extensive searching and trails

the few remaining marines are cleared of any potential corruption and are

permitted to rejoin their brothers. They however refuse instead proposing for a

new Chapter to be founded to oversee the new sector. Despite Inquisition

protests the idea was accepted and The Sun striders were created in the next 10

years during the 7^th Founding. Captain Rhaegar became Chapter Master

and was placed in Vulnerable Dreadnaught armour and led the Chapter for the

next 1000 years before stepping down, he is still called upon in times of need

for the sake of the Chapter but mainly is dormant in the main council chambers

of the Fortress Monastery.

[Hamertime95]

Homeworld
Valarian is
roughly nine tenths the size of Terra and so the gravity is less as a result,
this in conjunction with an unnatural level of oxygen on the planet has led to
oversized wildlife notably in the Felmaygar, large birds with multiple coloured
feathers which make their nests high in the Volcanic mountains similar to the
phoenix in Terran mythology. These birds with wing spans known to be as large
as 30 feet are worshipped by the native people of Valarian and are now the
inspiration for much of the Sun Striders heraldry.

The planet
is scattered with large areas of tranquillity and plant life in between huge
landscapes of mountains and deserts. This has made the people of Valarian very
durable and the hard conditions as well as protective of their small safe havens
amongst the uninhabitable areas on the planet.

 

Geneseed and Recruitment

The geneseed
of The Sun Striders is taken from noble Sanguinius who is revered as a demi God
amongst the Chapter. The Flaw of Sanguinius is looked upon with both respect
and pity, for it is stated that those who become prey to the flaw are gifted
personally by Sanguinius but are unable to control the vast power bestowed upon
them. The death company have single handily saved the Chapter several times in
their darkest need but are almost imprisoned on one of the two circling moons
over Valarian. No other side effects have been noted in the geneseed except a
pale completion and a love of flying shared by their parent chapter.

The recruits
of the Chapter are taken differently by the different social classes on the
planet, those of the noble households have tournaments and games of strength to
show their worth, whilst the poorer classes hunt great beasts native to their
continent and bringing their hide to the Marines when they descend every 100
years. The geneseed is known to take over a year to fully transform a human
into one of The Sun Striders; they are bathed in fire which reacts with the
chemicals involved in the process and are reborn anew as a battle brother, much
like the Phoenix like creatures the natives worship. 

Beliefs

The Chapter
Venerate Sanguinius often portraying him as a phoenix that will one day rise
from the ashes a return to lead all his sons towards their destiny. They have
been heavily influenced by the religion of the natives who have since been
taught of the immortal God Emperor who they believe to be the Sun and the
Marines are his angels flying or rather striding across the sky alongside it.

They embody
the idea of being reborn in fire as the Chapter has been on the brink of
extinction 3 times and each time has been rebuilt in their minds stronger than
before.  

The
Chaplains walk amongst the battle brothers reciting the pray which all brothers
replying with the second line.

The Blood of
our father, of our people, demands justice,

On fiery
wings we carry the Emperors wrath,

Burn the
heretic,

Ignite the
xenos,

In our
fathers light we shall not falter,

Faith is our
shield,

Devotion our
sword,

For
Sanguinius,

For the
Emperor!

 

The number
of Chaplains in the Chapter is higher than usual and they have began to form
their own cult of the Phoenix, a group only the higher members of the Chapter
are aware of, although it is instilled subliminally to the younger recruits
during the long changing process. Their beliefs are kept secret from all but
their closest allies for fear of the Inquisition, who are already suspicious of
the Chapter, from declaring them heretics.

The Sun
Striders have a very good relationship with the citizens of the Imperium seeing
great strength and potential in Humanity and believing it must be protected,
they are more friendly towards humans and have been known to personally see to
evacuations in the past.

 

[Hamertime95]

Deleted for multiple posts problems.

[Hamertime95]

Deleted for multiple posts problem

[Veteran Sergeant]

adaptable fighting force using Adeptus Astartes tactics.

Seems dangerous.  Space Marine tactics revolve around being encased in power armor and being seven and a half foot tall biologically modified murder machines. 

 

 

Captain Rhaegar became Chapter Master 

and was placed in Vulnerable Dreadnaught armour

 

Poor guy.

 

Homeworld:

 

Valarian is roughly nine tenths the size of Terra and so the gravity is less as a result, this in conjunction with an unnatural level of oxygen on the planet has led to...

Probably sounds less clunky if you reword it to be two sentences.  As it is, it's a run on.   

 

The planet is scattered with large areas of tranquillity

Scattered with what?

Geneseed:

 

 The geneseed is known to take over a year to fully transform a human into one of The Sun Striders; they are bathed in fire which reacts with the chemicals involved in the process and are reborn anew as a battle brother, much like the Phoenix like creatures the natives worship.

As cool as this sounds, two things.  Space Marines take a long time to mature.  At the minimum four years from the start to finish with the implantation process.  Remember, the gene seed doesn't just "turn them into" Space Marines.  There's a ton of gene therapy and biological modification (surgery) involved.  

 

Plus, the whole "bathed in fire" "reacts with the chemicals involved in the process" is pretty vague and confusing.  Plus it doesn't really make sense with the physiology of the Space Marine making process as we understand it.

 

 

has been rebuilt in their minds stronger than before.  

"rebuilt, in their minds, stronger than before.  Commas change the whole meaning of that sentence.  Though it's still kinda awkward, and I'd suggest rewriting it.

[Octavulg]

Chapter Name: The Sun Striders

I really like the name.

Specialization: Fast moving hit and run tactics, love of flamer weaponry.

Flamer weaponry requires you to get really close. That doesn't exactly lend itself to hit and run tactics.

Chapter Colours: Bone White with Orange and Red Legs

and Shoulders with Gold Trim.

Honestly, this sounds hideous (and let me guess: the feet are red, the shins are orange). But I may be wrong. The painters are still online (it's just that the links to them are down). http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/smp.php

Chapter Symbol: A blazing sun or Phoenix with upward wings

Makes sense.

their bravery, Valour and determination for the good of the Imperium and its people has never been in question.

Which is why, of course, they've been excommunicated.

History

Honestly, I don't really like this history. Marines refusing to rejoin their chapter feels wrong, fighting and winning inside a warp storm feels wrong, and so many DIY authors write something like this I could tell you what was going to happen pretty much from the moment they crashed.

 

On top of all this, it doesn't actually add much to the chapter - it doesn't change their character in the slightest. Having them be founded normally then take this place as a home world would achieve precisely the same effect.

 

Also, why on earth did you put all of this in multiple posts?

Each Company

Captain is titled a Fire Lord with a council of the Lords as well as the High

priest, High Chaplain and Chief Librarian coming together to form the council

of the thirteen. They decided any matters and vote for the next Chapter Master

known as the Phoenix King upon the predecessor’s death, should for any reason a

decision not be made, the original Phoenix King Rhaegar is awakened from his

slumber in Dreadnought armour to decided on matters.

Why wouldn't they fight it out in a tournament or something? Let poor Rhaegar stay dead.

 

Also, "King" isn't a title I've ever seen used in the Imperium - I suspect it's because it might look like it was competing with the Emperor.

taking a new name and leading the fabled Paladins of Vaul,

OK, the Eldar are cool and all, but with Phoenixes and Vaul together you're going too far.

Later History

This whole thing feels arbitrary as hell. That, and "on the run for a crime they didn't commit" doesn't really add much to your chapter.

 

* * *

 

Fix the formatting. Dear God, fix the formatting.

 

I like the name, and I like many of the elements. I can't say I'm a fan of the Phoenix imagery, just because I've seen it before (and because you put it on a lot of things). Ditto for several of the other elements.

 

There were some touches of personality at the start, but not much through the rest of it. What's the chapter like? Who are they as people? What defines them as Marines, personality-wise?

[Uaronain]

I do not have a whole lot to add as much has already been written;
don’t let any of this discourage you though. Everyone here wants to see you
finish your DIY chapter. My DIY is not even finished and it has been edited
countless times!

 

[Hamertime95]

Ok thanks for the early input guys as said I'm kinda new to this and is all a work in progress. One didn't realise I had so much elder stuff in my chapter having never read any of there fluff. I guess it's come from my love of high elves in fantasy and not realising that some names would cross over so will get around to changing that :)

Next my computer settings when writing haven't been great and Im quite busy at the moment so will get around to changing the format. I thought the posts had a word limit and I coudnt fit it in is it possible to delete posts and re post it in the first post?

[Olis]

Only Mods and Admins can delete posts. Fraters can edit their own stuff to their heart's content but cannot delete posts.

[Octavulg]

There IS (or was) a word limit on posts. It's something like 10,000 words, IIRC. If you hit it writing an IA, you're doing it WRONG.<br /><br />The format is, I believe, because you wrote it up in Word. Don't do that. Use Wordpad.

[Hamertime95]

Ah ok will get round to putting it all into one post in the coming days. Gonna change the formatting and sort out some grammar and sentence errors that's been spotted.

Are there any more clear errors in my fluff that isn't right? And thanks for the advice from everyone should see some changes in a day or two.