Children's Sorrow I

[Unknown Chronicler]

So this is my second time venturing into the realm of fanfiction and I decided to write about my EC commander/character before the coming of Isstavan and its eventually rise to the event that will change humanity forever. So this is my first time writing a story in a long time so go bit easy on me since I'm not all too much of an expert, so here we go!

Prologue:
The first sounds that Androcles heard were the heavy thud of explosions and the wailing of the banshees. Vision blurred he slowly stood up, his joints ached from days of combat and he sported several wounds to his chest where power swords and shuriken fire hit him in close combat. Mist hung in the air and it obscured his vision, reaching for his bolter at his thigh he noticed that it wasn't there anymore it must have been lost during the heavy melee against the Eldar Scorpions which had appeared out of nowhere, pushing away the thoughts of the earlier skirmish he drew his chainsword in a double handed grip its entire surface was written over by scriptures and words of duty and honour. The wailing of the banshees came closer and Androcles turned to where the sound came from he let his gaze wander over the landing zone, bodies of purple armored Space Marines and Eldar alike were strewn across the clearing of the forest , grunting he took a step forward the grass beneath him turning to mud and the blood that had accumulated over the few minutes came to the surface turning everything a red puddle, he looked like a warrior from the darkness his helmet lenses glowed a bright red, his Mk IV Maximus armor was caked in the blood of his enemies and his own and his cloak of red silk hung over his shoulders lazily flapping in the air, as a small wind picked up as if to bring more drama to the already horrific events that have occurred during the few days of fighting on the forest planet. Facing his already approaching enemies he loosened the tension as best as he was able to without causing too much pain and gripped the handle of his chainsword tighten. Out of the dense ranks of trees came the slender white armored warriors of the Eldar, the Banshees shrieked filling the air with ear splitting noises that would have sent any normal opponent running away from them but not Androcles he was Legions Astartes of the Emperor's Children he will show no fear! Letting the waves of the sonic assault wash over him he gave his own battle cry, the voice enhancement built into his helmet made it sound even more bestial and mechanical. Speaking a catechism of vengeance he charged at the Eldar, he would meet his fate with steel in his heart and chainsword in hand spitting his defiance at the enemy, he will avenge his fallen brothers no matter the cost.

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So let me know what you guys think, this is really more like an excerpt since it is short but otherwise then that any opinions? Comments and Critique are welcome, cheers!

EDIT: Fixed the problems and added somethings too it!

[Olis]

A reasonable scene-setter. You may want to have a close look at the passage and check it for typos - there seems to be a couple of letter h's missing (and the word 'wailing' includes one that doesn't need to be there). My advice, although you have already included some sights and sounds to good effect, is to describe the surroundings more (perhaps include aromas to smell). Maybe once you've written something, go through it and ask yourself; what can we see? What can we hear? What is that smell that should be here? How dirty/grubby/worn are things? Is there anything eye-catching?

[Unknown Chronicler]

I have thought about that, so thank you for telling me this since I usually do not pay attention to spelling sometimes . But I'll have a look at it and add somethings to it, cheers!

[Unknown Chronicler]

Prologue

Isstavan

(Present Day)

The Darkness surrounded them like a cloak; it was a reminder of the Betrayal that had been enacted upon them. Pain, hate, revenge all of these emotions fuelled the remaining Emperor’s Children, Sons of Horus, World Eaters and Death Guard that served the Emperor of Mankind on the cursed world of Isstavan III, huddled together in the shadows of the Precentor’s Palace east wing a lone Legionary in purple and gold armor was deciding what their next course of action would be. Statues twice the size of a Dreadnought stood erect in the giant circular room lightning dancing in front of them casting their features in lament, the air was filled with the smell of death. Craters, bodies and bloodstains decorated the room marking recent battles, Androcles stood near an opening where once a mosaic of the Primarchs was present, but now nothing but dust and glass shards remained of its presence. He had his helmet clamped to his belt the left eye lens cracked and useless a gaping wound where a bolt round penetrated it. He stood helmetless, his noble and perfect flesh marked by a single imperfection where the bolt had caused a grazing wound, squinting in the darkness as if he could force it to dissipate he let out a sigh his post-human physiology didn’t even have to strain to give him perfect vision in the near completeness of night, ruins of manufactorums and habitation blocks stretched across the landscape for miles on end where only month ago they descended to bring the Emperor’s wrath upon the rebels and streets were filled with blood and screams now nothing penetrated the eerie silence, dust coated the surface and storm clouds dominated the air filling it with lightning and rain forcing the traitors to fight with their infantry giving a fair fight for the loyalists to strike back. Loyalists, thought Androcles how did we get here? He was interrupted from his introspection when a marine came up behind him, the Astartes long white hair spilling from his shoulder guards, grey eyes filled with centuries of experience and the horrors of the universe regarded him with warmth and fatigue.

“It seems the traitors are preparing for another assault, you think Eidolon has become impatient?” asked the marine, Androcles turned and cast his gaze back out to the ruins of the great city his expression was kept neutral the last few days have been hard fought Eidolon’s troops had ascended from the base of the small cliff and for every inch they came closer it was paid in blood but more kept coming if it hadn’t been for the timely intervention of Lucius’s men they would have lost this section of the defense and most likely the Space Marines who were defending it, the corpses of the dead were left where they had fallen so they could rot.

“Eidolon is always impatient he hungers for glory but none will be gained if he keeps hurling his men at us. How much longer until they attack us?” As if to answer his question mortar fire started to fall on their position, the heavy shells creating large craters in the walls and tearing through power armor of the fallen Astartes, purple armored clad marines were stalking through the craggy cliff firing their bolters at the defenders as they advanced. Androcles pulled out his power sword and activated power field blue lightning and plasma raced across the molecularly edged blade as it fizzled and hissed in the air, marines in damaged and salvaged power armor positioned themselves next to him their weapons held in tensed hands some looked weary from the weeks without rest but were determined to punish their former brothers.

“Brothers, we will drive back the Betrayers forces and show them what it means to be Legiones Astartes! Show no mercy, no contempt and give them no quarter! Do this in the name of the Emperor and our fallen!” shouted Androcles over the noise of explosions and gunfire his voice easily carrying over to the enemy, his defiance palpable in every word he spoke. Some Astartes gave out roars of hatred and slammed their fists to their chest; others slammed in a new magazine into their guns letting their actions speak for them. Octavius his closest brother and second in command stood on the far side bellowing orders and chanting the ancient litany of war in the ancient dialect of Europa, soon enough all of the loyalists were reciting it their voices in equal harmony and giving them a sense of brotherhood which has not been present since the unspeakable betrayal of their erstwhile father and comrades. Androcles checked his magazine in his boltpistol and looked to his left where Squad Bratarian were positioned across the ruins of a fallen pillar which has become a makeshift barrier, the lightning cast their armor in a dark violet and their eye lenses glowed the colour of fresh blood their armor was decorated with sigils and motifs that marked them as Terran Veterans of the Unifications war most of it was faded but it was visible none the less. The sergeant of the squad Tullius Venetus stood with his back against the wall inspecting his bolter, he went bare headed and his short cropped black hair and ocean blue eyes distinguished him as a Terran born, since most of the Emperor’s Children had long marble white hair and grey eyes.

“Another good day to mow the lawn don’t you think captain?” said Tullius sarcastically his features splitting to show a smile, Androcles grinned, “Aye, but don’t cut too fast or else might leave a spot untrimmed!”

Tullius laughed their friendship evident for all to see, he drew his short sword and waved it around in lazy arcs, “Oh don’t worry I will make sure to be thorough in the process.” Androcles nodded and shouted over the vox, “Brothers, wait until they are in range then you have permission to open fire.” Looking over the fallen pillar he saw the mass of purple and gold Space Marines charging at them their bolters firing from the hips and officers chainswords raised in the air howling as though eager to spill the blood of the loyalists, hundreds of traitor Emperor’s Children charged their feet crushing stone and causing the ground to tremble. Closing in it was visible that the traitors armor was spotless as if just arriving from manufactorums compared to their counterparts whose power armor was bedecked with dirt, blood, scorch marks and bullet holes. Standing up from the cover he was hiding behind Androcles shouted his hatred at the enemy and his men smoothly rose as well in synchronism behind him their bolters raised, firing autonomously the loyalists let loose a volley of mass reactive bullets.

The first line of traitors fell in bloody heaps their forms riddled with fist sized holes, limbs exploded and heads were turned into mush as the relentless fire of the Emperor’s servants unleashed their fury, this didn’t seem to deter the enemy returning fire they moved from cover to cover using the bodies of the fallen and ruins as protection. Knowing that there was no other choice Androcles leaped over the pillar and sprinted towards the enemy his power sword raised in the air and bolt pistol spitting death, his men followed his example jumping over their refuge they kept on firing and ran at the enemy screaming their hatred and anger at their former comrades. Armored figures fell on both sides, their bodies ripped apart by plasma fire and bolter rounds crashing against each other like the ocean against a mountain, Androcles swung his sword in a decapitating arc at his closest enemy the marine unable to move away in time was cleaved in half his body parts and organs falling to the ground, firing his bolt pistol at point blank range at another traitor the mass reactive rounds ripped through the Astartes helmet and into head beneath killing him instantly.

Octavius’s voice boomed over the din of battle still chanting, the Centurion fired his combi-bolter at the heretics before letting a wave of promethean fire wash over the enemy enveloping them in liquid fire, sweeping back and forth with his power mace he hurled armored bodies aside with ease crushing them instantly his face was set in cold determination as he brought retribution upon his foes. Loyalists died just the same their necks snapped; limbs severed or were shredded to pieces by concentrated bolter fire, Androcles dispatched another marine cutting the head from the traitors shoulders letting the body fall to the ground he swept his gaze over the battlefield reading the flow of the battlefield as if it were an extension of his body. It wasn’t going well; if he didn’t do something soon they will be overrun and killed, brother fought brother a waking nightmare that has walked into the material world already hundreds of broken and twitching Astartes were on the ground their fingers still on their triggers of their weapons as if refusing even in death to relent. Loyalists were thrown in the air crashing only a few meters away from him their helmets and faceplates caved in and Androcles looked up ready to fight against this new challenge, five terminators clad in cataphractii armor stomped through the maelstrom of battle their storm bolters and energy weapons cutting down his warriors with ease. The lead terminator stopped in its tracks as it saw him its armor adorned with golden eagle wings and the Legion symbol, pointing its bloody thunder hammer at him it gave out a growl to challenge him. Androcles was only too happy to oblige; sprinting forwards he fired his bolt pistol at the behemoth the rounds pinged off of the multi-layered adamantium armor with no effect, in reply the Terminator charged swinging the giant hammer in Androcles direction, pivoting on his foot he jumped out of the way and thrust his power sword forwards the tip penetrating the armor but not deep enough to wound, grunting the Cataphractii warrior lashed out with his hand slamming the loyalist to the ground, the sword still protruding from its chest reaching down the terminator grabbed the hilt of the sword and pulled it out.

“You are weak Androcles that is why you will not join the Legion in its ascension!” boomed the traitor the voice enhancement built into helmet amplifying it ten times fold. Androcles reached for a fallen bolter and fired it at the marine in reply; letting the magazine run dry he tossed the weapon aside as the hulking marine strode closer chuckling all the while, in one hand the sword from Androcles was clasped in an armored fist, in the other the thunder hammer both humming with lethal energy. Standing before him the marine plunged Androcles sword to the ground and unsealed its helmet with the sound of escaping pressure, the face beneath was handsome and youthful, long silky white hair spilled out and fell over the face, eyes the colours of the void glowered down upon the captain.

“Learus,” hissed Androcles his voice full of venom at the prospect of seeing a once fellow captain.

“Indeed it is I in the flesh! I have been waiting on this day for a long time, brother,” Laerus let his hands curl around the pommel of the grounded sword, Androcles measured his next moments well in all likely hood his life will end here upon his own sword but if that happens then he will make the Terminator captain pay dearly! With a light tug the turncoat hauled the sword out of the ground, “you see I have always wanted to test the mettle of great Androcles hero of the Unification wars…but in the end I find out a relic is no better in the future as it was in the past”, lightning ripped across the sky turning Laerus’s armored body into shadow giving him the appearance of a vengeful god, standing in front of him the traitor captain held sword raised to deliver the killing blow, Androcles silently unclipped a grenade from his belt and primed it, curling his fingers around the cylinder shaped object. “The one thing you forget Laerus, which many have forgotten and is the most important rule of all”, knowing better but not able to conceal his curiosity for moment he asked, “Oh? And what would this lesson be that I have not already known?”

“To never underestimate your enemy, even at the moment of victory!” With his last words spoken Androcles hurled the grenade at Laerus’s face the grenade clanged against his shoulder pad before detonating and throwing fragments through the air, the last thing he saw was the traitor shout in surprise and the flesh from his face blackening from the heat with a smile he was embraced into the darkness and saw no more.

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I hope you guys enjoy it! It took me about 2 hours to write this, but still I love it never thought I would begin a story like this so C&C is welcome cheers!

[Unknown Chronicler]

sorry for the lack of updates, school has been crashin in through my battle barge as of late so I need to get some breacher squads to give me breathing room. Next update will be up tomorrow, Promise! cheers!

[Unknown Chronicler]

Ok, sorry for not posting what is like ages so here is the beginning of part 1, hope you like! It is short but since it isn't much yet this should satisfy you all:

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The City of Light burned; the inhabitants that had refused the rule of the Emperor were put to the sword. The Metropolis shuddered as more explosions rained down upon it, buildings collapsed to the ground crushing the citizens that hid inside of it and killing those that were unfortunate to have been near the structure. Soldiers in silver clad armour carrying halberds and carbines moved through the streets their faces set in determination to hold off the invading force, officers with golden helmets bellowed over the din of incendiary fire their commands carrying to their squads and companies warriors assembled together to create a battle group and with disciplined practice moved forwards in lock step. War horns resounded throughout the silver city, hundreds of thousands of mortal men and women marched in the streets.

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Like said it is short and not too much insight but next psot will be bigger promise!

 

[Brother Ambroz]

One small criticism I have is that your sentences are really big run-ons and it gets a bit hard to read sometimes. Story is pretty good so far, this guy's a loyalist? So your EC are heresy or PH?