IA: Sons of Retribution V4.1*MASSIVE Edit: 4/24*

[Captain Cirrius]

I have rewritten the IA almost in its entirety, taking the advice to focus on the skin-wearing aspect of the tribes. I realize that this is mostly a rough draft stage, but hopefully this new path is slightly more acceptable/believable

[Captain Cirrius]

Shameless bump :P I'd really like some feedback guys...

[Captain Cirrius]

Small Update: Added a sidebar describing an idea I had for the chapter's Fortress Monestary. Let me know if its Platinum, poop, or somewhere in between :)

[Octavulg]

Class: Un-classified

They're always classified. Hive world or Civilized would do it.

Population: 350.0 Billion Imperial Souls

Remember: that's a hell of a lot of people. Even with thousands of cities, that's still a hundred million or so citizens each. That's BIG. I'd either have fewer cities (since hive cities tend to be absurdly concentrated) or fewer people.

Culture: Most of the population of Parsus IV reside within thousands of massive walled cities that pockmark the surface of the planet. It was with this subculture that Origo and his men first made contact, and they were almost immediately disheartened. Given what they had come to understand of the planet's harsh weather conditions, they had hoped to find a hardy population of survivor-warriors from which to recruit. What they found were billions of people living in harmony and peace, entirely cut off from the dangers of their world by walls that extended miles into the orange sky.

It's not really a subculture. There are, after all, billions of them.

Early texts from the personal journal of Origo suggest that violence within these cities had been all but erradicated. Where Origo had hoped to find warriors as the most respected of the populace, he instead found chefs, politicians, and artisans commanding immense admiration.

How'd the Inquisition/Administratum get their hands on the personal journal?

Also chefs? Politicans? Be reasonable.

Then the chapter ventured into the harsh dessert wilderness. They had been told of another indiginous population on Parsus IV: wild tribes of warriors that had been deemed sub-human by the more advanced members of the population, and had been cast out into the wilderness thousands of years ago. Origo writes of his first interaction with these tribals:

Change it to something like this, IMO:

However, Origo was told of another indigenous population on Parsus IV: wild tribes of warriors cast out into the wilderness thousands of years ago by the more advanced members of the population. The Chapter ventured into the harsh desert in search of these tribals, and Origo records their journey:

You were presenting things out of chronological order without any actual need for it. It's sloppy writing.

"It has been one week since we emerged from the walled city of Primor, and stepped into the sands of this wilderness. Sandstorms have twice plagued this expedition to make contact with the indiginous peoples of Parsus IV. I must admit, I feared that we would never find them. I would never have believed that lesser humans could survive such storms until today.

All the people of Parsus are indigenous. Or none of them are. One of the two, though.

Also, his guide had already survived one storm, so clearly lesser humans can survive them to some extent. Temper his statement, I think.

Origo goes on to describe his interaction with this particular tribe. The people possessed an understanding of low gothic and, though it took many hours, they eventually agreed to cease their attempts to kill the cadre. For the next month, Origo studied the tribe of Amyntas, the warrior that had attenpted to take his life. Their penchant for violence was as intense as the winds of the plains. No two tribes ever met without battle erupting immediately, and the victors never failed to skin the defeated, killing them in the same way as the storms would, and wearing their skin as trophies.

Some object lessons would seem likely to lessen the amount of persuasion necessary, frankly. Killing someone who attacks them with ease would seem both appropriate and useful.

Conditions: The desert wilderness of Parsus IV is a very dangerous environment. It is almost entirely flat and sandstorms often roll across the planets surface (most of these storms are large enough to be seen from orbit). The cities remain protected by their high walls, which are so massive as to repel even the worst of the storms. The tribes however, have no protection, and scholars have observed instances of entire tribes being skinned alive by such storms.

Their is not a single form of major wildlife on the planet that does not count humans among its prey. Large snake-like creatures that "swim" through the sand, and many carniverous mammals constantly stalk the tribes, preying on the weak that are weeded out.

In a nice way: use a spellchecker. The things you get wrong are the things it would definitely catch.

This might work better at the start of the section. Or it might not. The weather certainly could move up.

The Sons of Retribution fleet engaged the enemy as they orbited Parsus XI. Origo, who had become experience in fleet-based warfare, immediately recognized within the first hours of the engagement that the chapter was simply outmatched by the Khornate armada, and managed to escape with most of his fleet intact.

That's a BIG warband. Seriously. A full chapter fleet is a pretty significant force. I'd draw out and separate elements of the chapter fleet (lots of raids, hit and fade attacks, that sort of thing). The fleet gets divided up, at which point it's outclassed.

It was at this time that Origo sent a distress call to Terra, requesting aid in the form of an Inquisitorial fleet to bolster his own. Origo knew that the nearest aid was likely months away and began planning a defensive campaign to cut his losses as much as possible until reinforcments arrived. While many have branded Origo a coward for the actions of the next few months, others credit him with the survival of the chapter.

There'd probably be somewhere nearer than Terra (especially out in Segmentum Ultima). The Inquisiton has fortresses in various places. Also, why the Inquisition specifically?

Origo agreed to temporarily relinquish command of his flagship, The Hand of Retribution, to Dethias so that he would be able to join his chapter on the surface of Parsus V in the first close engagement of the Parsus Campaign.

That seems a very unwise decision. Inquisitors can be unpredictable. Surely the Master of the Fleet could take over?

Also, they've been fighting Khornates this whole time and till haven't actually engaged in close battle? Really?

The following battle escalated rapidly. The ten of Origo's advisors, led by Amyntas, engaged in combat with the ten Grey Knights of Dethias' retinue. Immediately recognizing the danger of the situation, Dethias managed to escape to his transport before the bridge was overrun with brothers of the Sons of Retribution. The Grey Knights died gruesomely, skinned and worn as trophies.

Unlikely, IMO. Cut it down to five Grey Knights and it's more plausible. But GKs have superlative equipment and are, well, just plain better. They'd probably win. Or at least tie.

On the bright side, I think this is a much better reason to turn traitor (though it also, unfortunately, is kind of standard. However, it features skinning people, so I'm OK with it).

When on a battlefield or in the halls of an enemy vessel, the chapter prefers close combat above all else, closing with the foe and cutting their way through enemy ranks. This is due to the savage nature of the tribes from which the Astartes originate. Those particularly talented in long range forms of combat, however, are promoted to either Devestator or Scout Squads.

Many Astartes recruit from savage tribes and still remember the importance of shooting things. This is especially odd considering the relatively young nature of the Chapter (one would expect them to still be very Codex). I'd just have them enjoy CC, but still be pro shooting stuff.

- The Defeat of Inquisitor Dethias: The Sons' first conflict with the Imperium, as well as their first instance of fleet-based warfare. Inquisitor Dethias was captured, his force of Grey Knight exterminated, and his fleet absorbed into that of the chapter's.

They can't handle the cultists' fleet, but they can handle the Inquisitor's? Even after they're weakened by years of warfare?

The chapter does not have a battle-cry, however their is a phrase that has become well known within the ranks of the chapter. Legend says that as then-Champion Amyntas flayed the skin from the bones of a Grey Knight, he uttered the words, "Sic transit gloria Imperium." This roughly translates in High Gothic to, "Thus passes the glory of the Imperium".

Never translate! At least not when it's that easy to Google.

* * *

I like these boys better. Things seem less arbitrary. Also, there's lot of skinning things (you do know how to pander to an audience! ).

The writing needs some polish, but most writing does. Anything in particular you're looking for right now?

I would note that I became a bit confused once things started moving between Parsuses. Also, it might be ironically appropriate if the genocide of the home world was confined to the tribes, while the walled cities didn't even really notice that anything changed. Of course, the chapter'd probably evacuate many of the tribes. Lots of ways you could go, really.

[TrashMan]

Interesting. Altough I have to ask - do you have some special disdain for Grey Knights?

 

It seems their only role in the IA is to be d**s and die.

[Sanguis militis]

Lol is their battle cry a Brand New reference?

[Captain Cirrius]

They're always classified. Hive world or Civilized would do it

noted. I was just leaving it blank for now since I wasn't sure.

Remember: that's a hell of a lot of people. Even with thousands of cities, that's still a hundred million or so citizens each. That's BIG. I'd either have fewer cities (since hive cities tend to be absurdly concentrated) or fewer people.

What would, in your opinion, be a more suitable population number?

It's not really a subculture. There are, after all, billions of them.

I guess I just used the word incorrectly. They are one cultural piece of a larger populace.

How'd the Inquisition/Administratum get their hands on the personal journal?

Also chefs? Politicans? Be reasonable.

I never thought of it that way. I just thought it would be cool to here part of the narrative in Origo's words. In my mind, this article is in third-person narrative, so the people telling it aren't necessarily the inquisition of administratum.

Change it to something like this, IMO:

However, Origo was told of another indigenous population on Parsus IV: wild tribes of warriors cast out into the wilderness thousands of years ago by the more advanced members of the population. The Chapter ventured into the harsh desert in search of these tribals, and Origo records their journey:

You were presenting things out of chronological order without any actual need for it. It's sloppy writing.

Good point. Will revise. Remember though, that this is a very rough first take on this new direction for the chapter.

All the people of Parsus are indigenous. Or none of them are. One of the two, though.

Also, his guide had already survived one storm, so clearly lesser humans can survive them to some extent. Temper his statement, I think.

Again, good point(s). Most things will be re-worded and revised.

Some object lessons would seem likely to lessen the amount of persuasion necessary, frankly. Killing someone who attacks them with ease would seem both appropriate and useful.

Not quite sure what you mean here. I understand that the section is no good as it is written now, but I'm not sure I understand your comment the way it is worded. But it has been a long day

In a nice way: use a spellchecker. The things you get wrong are the things it would definitely catch.

Again. Rough draft.

That's a BIG warband. Seriously. A full chapter fleet is a pretty significant force. I'd draw out and separate elements of the chapter fleet (lots of raids, hit and fade attacks, that sort of thing). The fleet gets divided up, at which point it's outclassed.

I like this idea. It always seems weird to me when the whole enemy fleet just appears at once. I'll write it in that the warband orchestrated multiple small raides and such, to leave their entry point undefended and the chapter split across the system.

There'd probably be somewhere nearer than Terra (especially out in Segmentum Ultima). The Inquisiton has fortresses in various places. Also, why the Inquisition specifically?

See I suppose I don't understand the process completely. I figured the distress would be sent to terra, and someone on terra would find out where the nearest aid is, and send them to the chapter. Also, I agree that he shouldn't ask for the inquisition specifically, but rather that the inquisitors fleet just happened to be the nearest one.

That seems a very unwise decision. Inquisitors can be unpredictable. Surely the Master of the Fleet could take over?

Well an Inquisitor Lord would be the superior in rank, would he not?

Also, they've been fighting Khornates this whole time and till haven't actually engaged in close battle? Really?

I haven't read back, but I believe I specified that all engagements have been fleet based up until this point. Origo was trying to ensure the survival of his chapter, and a full close combat frontal assault would be suicide, or at least very very risky. You can't have a ground battle if both armies aren't on the ground.

Unlikely, IMO. Cut it down to five Grey Knights and it's more plausible. But GKs have superlative equipment and are, well, just plain better. They'd probably win. Or at least tie

Remember though that these are ten rank and file grey knights against company captains. If you look at it in game terms thats like ten HQ vs 10 Troops. Its not exactly an even fight. I suppose it is true that not all of the captains would be likely to survive, so I may lessen the amount of GK anyway...

Many Astartes recruit from savage tribes and still remember the importance of shooting things. This is especially odd considering the relatively young nature of the Chapter (one would expect them to still be very Codex). I'd just have them enjoy CC, but still be pro shooting stuff.

This is the one criticism I don't understand. Remember that this article is for how this chapter is now. The events recounted in the IA are of the history of the chapter leading up to how they are described in the IA. They are renegades. It confuses that I would recieve so many criticisms (there were more in the past incarnation) that my chapter needs more of a reason to not follow codex other than that they are a renegade warband.

As for the CC vs. shooting. I never said they didn't shoot. I just said they prefer close combat. They still shoot at the enemy when they are far away, but they like getting up close and personal is all

They can't handle the cultists' fleet, but they can handle the Inquisitor's? Even after they're weakened by years of warfare?

This problem is partially remedied by your earlier suggestion that the chapter be seperated while it fights the warband. When the Inquisitor engages the Sons, they are traveling as one whole chapter fleet. This type of force could easily crush the lesser fleet of an inquisitor.

I also just realized that, in this section, I say that it is their first instance of fleet based warfare. This is not true as they fought the warband fleet based. Oops

Never translate! At least not when it's that easy to Google.

I'll take the translation out.

I like these boys better. Things seem less arbitrary. Also, there's lot of skinning things (you do know how to pander to an audience! ).

Well thank-you. It was mostly just following your advice.

The writing needs some polish, but most writing does. Anything in particular you're looking for right now?

It is just a rough re-write at this point. I was fully expecting for it to still need a lot of polishing.

I would note that I became a bit confused once things started moving between Parsuses. Also, it might be ironically appropriate if the genocide of the home world was confined to the tribes, while the walled cities didn't even really notice that anything changed. Of course, the chapter'd probably evacuate many of the tribes. Lots of ways you could go, really.

I will rename some of the worlds so it isnt just a bunch of parsuses

Its funny you should say that about evacuating the tribes. Its something that I had in the previous write, but I was told it wasn't practical to move that many people. I might bring the tribe evacuation back. I feel like the chapter would've taken as many as they could as a recruitement precaution. They had no way of knowing when they would find another suitable place to recruit from.

As for the suggestion about the city people. I think that gives them too much significance. I want to do my best to observe them within the IA and then never think about them again. They are useless and this is how the astartes would have acted towards them.

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Well thank-you for the C&C. It gives me a lot to think about for my next re-write :)

[Captain Cirrius]

Interesting. Altough I have to ask - do you have some special disdain for Grey Knights?

 

It seems their only role in the IA is to be d**s and die.

 

Lol no nothing I have against them. They were just the best candidates to fill the needed role.

 

Lol is their battle cry a Brand New reference?

 

Not that I know of :P

[Octavulg]

What would, in your opinion, be a more suitable population number?

Good question. I honestly don't know. I'd just cut it down to dozens of cities and 200 billion - more concentrated (which makes it easier to talk about should the need arise) and slightly less massive.

I guess I just used the word incorrectly. They are one cultural piece of a larger populace.

Subcultures are smaller than the majority culture, as a rule. The tribes'd be a subculture. These guys are just the culture.

I never thought of it that way. I just thought it would be cool to here part of the narrative in Origo's words. In my mind, this article is in third-person narrative, so the people telling it aren't necessarily the inquisition of administratum.

It's never quite clear who writes IAs, and for who. A line about recovering a copy after a battle or something would do it.

Not quite sure what you mean here. I understand that the section is no good as it is written now, but I'm not sure I understand your comment the way it is worded. But it has been a long day

The Marines seem oddly willing to put up with a bunch of primitives trying to kill them. I'd have expected a few skull-crushings after the first hour. Everybody respects someone who can crush their skull with his pinky.

I like this idea. It always seems weird to me when the whole enemy fleet just appears at once. I'll write it in that the warband orchestrated multiple small raides and such, to leave their entry point undefended and the chapter split across the system.

I'd spread them across the subsector. Makes it more reasonable that they can't all get back in time.

See I suppose I don't understand the process completely. I figured the distress would be sent to terra, and someone on terra would find out where the nearest aid is, and send them to the chapter. Also, I agree that he shouldn't ask for the inquisition specifically, but rather that the inquisitors fleet just happened to be the nearest one.

The problem is that Terra is sloooooow. You send them a request for help, you'll get a nice big fleet...in about a century.

I'd expect them to contact nearby allies. Probably the nearest fleet base or Inquisitorial fortress.

Well an Inquisitor Lord would be the superior in rank, would he not?

Only if the Chapter Master wants him to be. After all, there's probably fewer Chapter Masters than there are Inquisitor Lords. Suggests they're more important.

I haven't read back, but I believe I specified that all engagements have been fleet based up until this point. Origo was trying to ensure the survival of his chapter, and a full close combat frontal assault would be suicide, or at least very very risky. You can't have a ground battle if both armies aren't on the ground.

Ah. Keep in mind that Space Marine fleet battles tend to involve a lot of boarding. Though less so when fighting Khornates, perhaps.

It might be worth mentioning some corresponding rebellions or something. A warband alone wouldn't be that much of a threat.

This is the one criticism I don't understand. Remember that this article is for how this chapter is now. The events recounted in the IA are of the history of the chapter leading up to how they are described in the IA. They are renegades. It confuses that I would recieve so many criticisms (there were more in the past incarnation) that my chapter needs more of a reason to not follow codex other than that they are a renegade warband.

Hey, the Codex is a handy thing - it's got a lot of useful stuff in it. Plus, your guys still see themselves as loyal to the Emperor. It's not like they're slaughtering babies to Khorne. Them still hanging onto most of the Codex would make sense. Chapters don't just use the Codex because they're supposed to. They use it because it works.

I'd just mention that they've come to prefer it. There should still be more of a reason than just recruiting from the tribes (being involved in a lot of boarding actions is enough of a reason, actually).

This problem is partially remedied by your earlier suggestion that the chapter be seperated while it fights the warband. When the Inquisitor engages the Sons, they are traveling as one whole chapter fleet. This type of force could easily crush the lesser fleet of an inquisitor.

True. I'd seriously recommend having some rebellions break out across the subsector or what have you. Keep the Chapter spread out and weak. They win the far away battles and come back, which boosts their strength and lets them outmuscle the Inquisitor.

[TrashMan]

 

Interesting. Altough I have to ask - do you have some special disdain for Grey Knights?

 

It seems their only role in the IA is to be d**s and die.

 

Lol no nothing I have against them. They were just the best candidates to fill the needed role.

 

Hmm... Inquisitors can pretty much have anyone as backup. Inquisitors most commonly have a personal retinue of specialists and Inquisitorial stormtroopers (and those guys are as nasty as a normal human can get)

 

Aside from that - Sisters of Battle. They are more zealous and show far less restraint. Not to mention that they don't have the battle-brother bond marines have with marines from other chapters, so they would be less likely to hesitate.

 

I really don't see GK's attacking other space marines on impulse. They are all about control and order.

[Captain Cirrius]

 

 

Interesting. Altough I have to ask - do you have some special disdain for Grey Knights?

 

It seems their only role in the IA is to be d**s and die.

 

Lol no nothing I have against them. They were just the best candidates to fill the needed role.

 

Hmm... Inquisitors can pretty much have anyone as backup. Inquisitors most commonly have a personal retinue of specialists and Inquisitorial stormtroopers (and those guys are as nasty as a normal human can get)

 

Aside from that - Sisters of Battle. They are more zealous and show far less restraint. Not to mention that they don't have the battle-brother bond marines have with marines from other chapters, so they would be less likely to hesitate.

 

I really don't see GK's attacking other space marines on impulse. They are all about control and order.

 

An Inquisitor Lord could just as likely have an attatchment of GK. Also, Sisters of Battle only associate with inquisitors of another Ordo.

 

Also they didn't attack without impulse. They saw something, reported it, accomponied the inquisitor as he confronted the accused, and retaliated to my chapter attacking them.

 

I see no problem with the Grey Knight splaying the role they play in this narrative, and actually believe they fit the bill the best.