IA: Serpents of Unda (Very much WIP...Please help)

[Captain Cirrius]

The Serpents of Unda

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8516/8535520425_40fa2c0949.jpg

Serpents of Unda Battle-Brother

Chapter Name: Serpents of Unda
Founding: ...Update in Progress... (would like a fairly old chapter here)
Parent Chapter: ...Update in Progress... (Perhaps Howling Griffons???)

Origins

...Update in Progress...

Homeworld

Unda is a world unlike many others. It is a planet which is entirely covered in ocean. No land is known to exist anywhere on the planet at any time of the year, though scholars believe that this must not have been so in ages long past, as their must have been a way for the ancestors of the sparse human societies that now dot the planet to come to originate on the planet.

The people of Unda are tribesman, but only in neccessity. They have long developed a sense of civilization and, though they are forced to remain ever nomadic in order to follow the rains (the only source of drinkable water upon the planet), civilized customs have come to take hold such a diverse system of social standing and currency.

Metal (believed to be artifacts of time long past) is of the utmost value to the societies of Unda, for with enough of it, a group can craft massive vessels with which to follow the rains as well as protect them from beasts that reside believe the waves

The people of Unda have never known war in the traditional sense. When groups come upon eachother, blows are never dealt, for no resource can be wasted upon the trivial dangers of rival 'tribes'. The wildlife of Unda creep beneath the waters, stalking small fleets of nomads and preying on them when they are at their weakest. It is estimated that more than half of the creatures of Unda have yet to be discovered, but of the ones that have been, none refrain from killing. This is not to say that all are carnivores, but all must defend themselves from the terrifying predators that inhabit the depth.

The most terrifying of these creatures are the long serpents for which the Serpents of Undo are named. They are of such size that, when breaking out of the water, the resultant waves can capsize entire vessels, thousands of feet in length. The people of Undo fear nothing quite so much as these serpents and, to date, none have been killed by common humans.

Fortress Monestary: 'The Belly of the Beast' as it is affectionatly known, is a huge structured built within the depths of Unda's sea. It is more a vessel than a building, floating under the waves unbeknownst to the people of Unda. It is from this place that the chapter strikes upon the enemies of the Imperium, as well as the place from which they conduct their hunt.

The Hunt

Due to their altered anatomies, groups of hunting parties can swim freely from their Monestary in search of an honorable kill. Armed only with long spears and an iron determination, the man who returns with a token of a mighty kill will be praised by his brothers and few more so than he who returns with the massive eye of a serpent. The only honor that outways this is that of he who returns mounted on such a beast, the monster the tamed under the iron will. This has only happened a handful of times, but every man who has achieved such a feat has served as Chapter Master to the Serpents of Unda.

Organization

The Serpents of Unda remain largely the typical chapter in terms of Organization.

The 1st company is reserved for veterans of hundreds of battles, or for those who have proved themselves worthy of the honor by slaying the mightiest of beasts.

From here, each comapny is led by the command structure typical of Astartes Chapters.

Combat Doctrine

The Serpents of Unda do battle in whatever way they see fit. They do not drag themselves down with pride or honor. Honor comes only in victory and so the Serpents will use whatever tools are available to them to win a battle. They shun no form of combat and every Astarte is well versed in all equipmment utilized by the Index Astartes. Each squad is a simple tactical squad in its barest form, but each has access to whatever equipment the commander sees fit to give them for any given battle. In this way, a tactical squad may fight from the seats of bikes one day and from the skies, strapped to large jump packs, the next. The exception to this rule is with the use of Terminator armor. This is reserved for members of the 1st company only.

Power Spears

The Techmarines of the Serpents of Unda have used the potential found in power weapon technology to craft a new piece equipment for their chapter. Power Spears are very long weapons, standing much taller than an Astarte, which are derived from the spears used by the people of Undo to fend off the beast of the sea. It is with these spears thtat the Astartes conduct their hunts.

Geneseed

...Update in Progress...

Batlle-Cry/Motto

...Update in Progress

[Octavulg]

Undo?

[Captain Cirrius]

I just realized thats an incorrect connotation. Unda means wave in latin. Undo means the same but as a verb. I believe its pronounced like OOndo, but I will change it to Unda nontheless

[Firepower]

Lots of spelling errors and odd grammar, but that's something to fix in the polishing stages.

So what I'm getting here is Waterworld meets 40k. One issue to watch out for is balance when describing and using the world through the IA. Something as odd as that needs to be explained and will likely permeate the Chapter's nature to a fair extent. But at the same time, the IA needs to be about the Chapter, not their homeworld.

Considering all that is written so far is about the homeworld and combat doctrine, there's really not much to draw on in terms of the Chapter's character yet.

You mention a 'hunt' several times. Do you mean 'hunts' in the sense that they like to hunt, that they equate combat to hunting? Or do you mean 'Hunt' as a proper noun, a singular sort of Hunt that defines the Chapter's goals or objective?

I'm pretty sure power spears are nothing special. By that I mean the Techmarines probably wouldn't have to think it up themselves.

'The Hunt' sidebar seems kind of extreme. Even Astartes are subject to the laws of water pressure. They are stronger, can hold their breath longer, can operate more efficiently, but remember you don't have to go very deep at all before the pressure is undeniably terminal. And browbeating sea monsters into mounts just strikes me as kind of corny, to be honest.

The one thing that really sticks out to me though is the source of the Chapter's name. I can't recall how often marines go 'What's the biggest thing on our world? Let's call ourselves that.' I'd try to make it something a bit less ham fisted. Maybe the Serpent is a mythological thing. Maybe instead of a giant creature, the Serpents are small, snakelike creatures that swarm boats in such numbers that they can clear the decks and galleys of meat (and people) in minutes, before dispersing to leave the floating husk in their wake. Sort of like Rippers of the Sea.

Naming the Chapter after a scary native beast is nothing new, but choosing a beast that wasn't simply the biggest and the strongest would be a nice change of pace.

And I demand that one of the Captains be named Nemo, if the Fortress Monastery is going to be a submarine

[Aegnor]

Like the aquatic world idea. Have you read Dan Abnett's Iron Snake? He has them coming from an ocean doninated world and the giant sea serpents and underwater rites of passage feature there too.

 

In terms of stuff that would be good to see in future drafts:

- I don't get where the people live? On ships or floating structures? What makes them good stock for the chapter to draw upon? Get the sense they might be mutated/adapted to live on a water world - how does this interact or affect their transformation into marines?

 

- linked to the above, there's the issue of why anyone would set up a chapter on Unda. It sounds pretty inhospitable. There must be sone reason why they thought it was a good choice.

 

- look forward to getting some more insight into what your guys are like. Who have they fought? Etc

 

- Does them growing up on a water world affect them at all? They'd be fairly freaked out when they see dry land wouldn't they? Do they take time to get their "land legs"?

 

Promising start - will look for further updates with interest.

[TDF]

I appreciate that this isn't anywhere near finished, but I do have a few questions:

 

- Space Marines are warriors. Their entire purpose is to kill things. Why would they choose to recruit from a world where the population refuse to fight one another? I assume they fight the wildlife a lot, but that isn't particularly clear in your IA at the moment.

 

- Why don't the Serpents of Unda specialise into Tactical, Assault and Devastator squads? Also, the wording implies that the entire 2nd company (for example) could deploy as assault marines if that was required. If that's the case then why have they departed from the Codex's guidelines?

 

- Is there any particularly reason why you want them to be successors of the Howling Griffons?  Bearing in mind that in IA 9 it says the Griffons have no known descendants  I'm not saying you have to stick to that, but I'd be interested if you have any particular reasons.