IA: Celestial Zealots (WiP)

[Lephisto]

THE CELESTIAL ZEALOTS

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CHAPTER NAME: .............. THE CELESTIAL ZEALOTS

FOUNDING:..................26th [M.40]

CHAPTER WORLD: .............Ligarius IV

GENE-SEED (PREDECESSOR): ...Ultramarines

 

 

"Let Justice Prevail!"

 

[skullheader=Origins''][/skullheader]

I

n 738.M40 the Imperium founded the twenty sixth founding of several new space marine chapters. Among the many newly founded chapters, The Celestial Zealots chapter were forged. The Celestial Zealots have a very strong sense of duty in exterminating the Xenos threat especially the Tyranids.

A great warrior of courage named Lephisto Izgon of the Ultramarines who had served valiantly, was chosen to serve and lead the newly born Celestial Zealots. It was up to him now to make sure that his brothers were trained rigorously to serve the emperor with all their zeal.

The Celestial Zealots were primarily a fleet based chapter soaring through spacein endless time. During this time the Imperium had come under attack by the new alien threat known as the Tyranids. The Celestial Zealots had sent many scout ships to monitor the Segmentum Solar system. Luckily one of the scout ships saw the approaching Hive to a certain world.The Celestial Zealots were now in a race against time to defend the planet from the rancid fiends. 

 

Fortunately The Celestial Zealots arrived on time and warned every inhabitant to prepare and defend their planet. Many of the inhabitants were amazed and surprised by their arrival as they had never anything like the Space marines before. However the inhabitants were more than compliant to theorders of Izgon and welcomed their new allies. The Chapter waited for the arrival of the Tyranids and prepared cautiously as this was the first time they had ever faced a foe such as this. Heavy Artillery and many of the Chapters companies were deployed under Izgon’s directions. The inhabitants wereused to make fortifications and to gather supplies for the Chapter. Izgon had make to be sure that this world would stay claimed for the Imperium untainted by Xenos.

 

Finally the Tyranids arrived but only to their disappointment as they saw that The Celestial Zealots had already prepared to face them.  Both sides engaged furiously in the blood fight. Death tolls on both sides were high. The Ligarius IV had been under attack by the Tyranids for just a few hours and the casualty toll of the inhabitants were already accumulating.  Most of the marines on the front line were getting killed faster than they could hold off. The first company of The Celestial Zealots were in charge of the front-lines, however majority of them were killed and pinned down in the trenches of the front lines. However the Tyranids were also running out of numbers to overwhelm the defence. Izgon knew that this was going to happen. The wise master prepared a huge fortification where all the inhabitants were gathered and the majority of the chapter were armed with heavy artillery to deliver the final blow to eradicate these fiends once and for all off their planet. The wise master and the last squad of the company rushed back to the fortification.

Explosions and bullets were tearing through the skies. The battle brothers at the fort started to open fire but this time with more firepower. Izgon commanded that sets of explosions was to be delivered near their fort. The effect of it was devastating. The whole of the surviving Hive were nearly destroyed. Izgon and his battle brothers arose out of the fort and fought the remaining fiends with all their might. On the corner of Izgon’s eye, he saw the hive tyrant, he immediately leaped forward to slay the beast. Bullets ripping through the rib cage of the tyrant weren’t enough.  The master ran out of his bullets and had to rely on his pure strength. Exchanging blows,the Tyranid Hive managed to stab the Master through the stomach and slashed around his neck, while Izgon managed to cut the head off the Tyrant hive with his powerful force axe.

 

After six long hours of struggling, all the remaining of the Tyranidswere now all eradicated. The remainder of the Chapter and inhabitants gathered around the Izgon and the hive tyrant. Tears started to roll down the cheeks of the inhabitants as they saw Izgon as their personal saviour dying in front of them. The rest of the marines knelt and bowed down in honour around the master. As he was lying on the ground he turned his head to the right and saw a young man. He noticed that this young man fought like no other and had great potential. He beckoned him to come over to his dying body and commanded that Ligarius should be recruited to be a Celestial Zealot. The Chapter Master bid his final farewell and left the rest to the Captain of the first company - Lucilius Contino.

 

The battle reports were sent to the High Lords of Terra and granted The Celestial Zealots Ligarius IV as their home world. Their courageous act of duty was noted. How the Celestial Zealots defeated the Hive Fleet Medusa and Izgon killed the Hive tyrant will always be rembered in the hearts of  those that fought in the war. Their valiant service in the name of the Emperor was never to be forgotten.

 

 

The people of Ligarius IV saw the chapter’s arrival as an answer to their prayers. They also saw it as a prophecy fulfilled which was prophesied by their leading chief many years ago. The Celestial Zealots were able to defeat the menace. Although their victory was great, it had also come with a great cost. The first company nearly wiped out and their Chapter Master dead. The death toll of the inhabitants would have soared if it weren’t for the timely arrival of The Celestial Zealots.

 

Contino the Captain made vigorous plans to rebuild the planet andreplenish the First Company. The Fortress Monastery was built upon the ground where the Chapter Master died. Lucilius Contino also sensed the great potential of Ligarius and took it as part of his duty to train and recruit him.  Since the war Ligarius is now the Captain of the Second Company and also the Chief Librarian. The Celestial Zealots are now roaming through space to eradicate the Tyranids once and for all.

[Plaguecaster]

I don't think chapters can be founded to fight the tyranic wars as the recent founding 26th was before the nids even attacked the Imperium, probably be easier if they were founded at a later founding with them fighting the nids later on.

 

When a chapter is founded they usually get given a world to use for a fortress monastery or if fleet based a fancy fleet, it really is up to you. If anything the chapter could originally be fleet based with them protecting a world from the nids which was abandoned by imperial forces to protect more vaulable worlds, after defeating the nids the chapter could be granted the world in honour of their valiant defence.

 

You have a cool sounding name though since they are zealots do they worship the Emperor or their primarch like a god or is there another reason for being zealots

 

This looks interesting I can't wait to see more.

[Lephisto]

wow. Thanks so much. That actually game me a lot of ideas I those idea. What founding was after the tyrannic wars? Those ideas are awesome. I called the Zealots because I think I will get them to believe that The emperor is God if all humanity and they believe in uniting the lost worlds of.humanity back to the imperium. I will also make them dedicated to making the xenos extinct especially the nids. Another question: How does a captain in any chapter become a chapter master of a successor chapter?

[Aegnor]

There haven't been any foundings since the Tyranids arrived. Maybe have a think about whether they need to have been founded in response to/since the Nids invasions started? Can you get the same effect another way? That is, what about the idea of having them formed during/after the invasion appeals to you?

 

Having them worship the Emperor as a god, as opposed to their father-figure/greatest man ever is a touch unusual but not without precedent, so you can go that way and it certainly fits your name.

 

As for how is a chapter master chosen, others here are much more across all the detail, but normally I think the process would go that the Magus Biologis of the Adeptus Mechanicus nominates suitable gene-seed sources -> the High Lords of Terra choose chapters to form successors from that list of suitable donors -> the chapter master of the "parent" chapter selects a training/veteran contingent to create/form the core of the new chapter, and probably selects the new Chapter Master at the same time, most likely from amongst his captains.

 

Edit: also a fanatical devotion to exterminating xenos is a pretty standard starting point for Space Marines. :)

[Lephisto]

Thanks so much ok.

 

 

 There haven't been any foundings since the Tyranids arrived. Maybe have a
think about whether they need to have been founded in response to/since
the Nids invasions started? Can you get the same effect another way?
That is, what about the idea of having them formed during/after the
invasion appeals to you?

 

I didn't know if this was allowed or not. But that sounds like an awesome idea. When were the tyrannic wars at its peak? I probably make it that The Celstial Zealots were ceated during the Tyranic wars to combat the tyrannic threat and to reclaim the lost worlds for The Imperiumof Man. I think I will be using a Veteran from the 1st Company of the Ultramarines to be the Chapter Master of the Celestial Zealots, is that possible?

 

Ok so my ideas so far are:

 

• Ultramarines Successor
• Chapter Master was a Veteran from 1st Company of UM
• Created during the Tyrannic Wars (745.M41)
• Dedicated to hunting and ridding the galaxy of nids
• Fleet based but when they defended and reclaimed a world for the Imperium they were given that world for a fortress monastery
• Believes that the Emperor is God
• The Chapter is only about 300 years old, very young relatively compared to others.

What do you guys think I could add to spic this chapter up?

[Aegnor]

Ok, you can't do that as the UM 1st Company is wiped out to a man during the First Tyranic War in official GW fluff. Since then the Ultras were pretty busy rebuilding their own chapter and fending off new invasions, so they wouldn't be contributing to any new foundings.

 

Again, the most recent founding was well before the arrival of Behemoth. According to this excellent resource: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/124020-time-line/?do=findComment&comment=1428549

 

the 26th Founding was created in 738.M40. Behemoth arrived in 745.M40. So you could certainly have a new chapter founded and their first major conflict being the Behemoth invasion, but having them founded in response to the invasion is tricky. Also, it takes a few years for a chapter to get up to full strength, so they'll want that time before the Bugs arrive.

 

One idea: you could have them founded in the 26th and placed out in what will become the path of Behemoth on the basis of omens the High Lords received via the Astropath college or the Imperial Tarot. The High Lords weren't certain *why* it was important to reinforce that area, but were convinced they needed to. It's got some issues but could form the basis for a story. There are always many areas that would benefit from reinforcement, and the Tarot could have been enough for them to prioritise your guys' area.

 

Edit: and that sense of having been created due to the Emperor's express will via the Tarot might explain their deeply religious nature. Which wouldn't sit well with the Ultramarines, who see the Emperor as a paragon of humanity but not a god. You might need a parent chapter who are more religious than that to explain your chapter's conviction the Emperor is the God-Emperor.

[Lephisto]

so here goes the origin of my chapter:

 

Origins

 

In 738.M40 the Imperium founded the twenty sixth founding of several new space marine chapters. Among the many newly founded chapters, The Celestial Zealots chapter were forged. The Celestial Zealots have a very strong sense of duty in exterminating the Xenos threat especially the rancid tyranids. What drives them more is their hatred towards those that have aligned themselves to the ruinous powers of Chaos.

 

A great warrior of courage named Lephisto Izgon of the Ultramarines who had served valiantly, was chosen to serve and lead the newly born Celestial Zealots. It was up to him now to make sure that his brothers were trained rigorously to to serve the emperor with all their zeal.

 

The Celestial Zealots were primarily a fleet based chapter soaring through space in endless time. This was quite advantageous to the Imperium as The Celestial Zealots were able to quickly respond to the new tyrannic threat which attacked the Imperium.

 

Izgon and The Celestial Zealots found themeselves responding to a call in the outer edge of the halo stars, to a inhabited world called Zealus IV.

 

Zealus IV had been under seige by the Tyranids for nearly two months and the casualty toll of the inhabitants were high. With the arrival of The Celestial Zealots, the inhabitants took morale and courage to fight harder than before. The people of Zealus IV saw the chapterˊs arrival as an answer to their prayers. They also saw it as a prophecy fulfilled which was prophesied by their leading chief many years ago. When The Celestial Zealots landed on the forsaken world they could only feel righteousness indignation towards the barbaric killings of the Tyranids. Izgon and his battle brothers waited no longer to avenge those that were already killed. They acted immediately by aggressively slaughtering the infernal fiends of the pit. it had been an all out struggle but The Celestial Zealots were able to defeat the menace. Although their victory was great, it had also came with a great cost. A quarter of the chapter were killed and half of the inhabitants were slaughtered. The death toll of the inhabitnats would.of soared if it werent for the timely arrival.of The Celestial Zealots.

 

This is just a taste of some of what I got but writing tips and structure are needed please. Ideas would be great.

[Aegnor]

Nickpick: The planet name Zealus is too close to the chapter's name in my opinion. Sounds a bit silly when you put them together.

 

Writing Style: Your writing style at the moment feels a bit forced and unnatural. I see that you're looking to use language that conveys the drama and OTT nature of 40K but I'd suggest dialling it back a bit. Lurid phrasing and wording is like hot chilli sauce, it can change a piece of writing into something wonderful but a little goes a long way. Too much over-powers everything else you want people to enjoy and makes the whole a bit unpalatable.

 

It also falls a bit into the trap of telling rather than showing. It makes much more of an impression on your audience if you show your guys being epic and achieving massive things rather than just telling us "they had an epic battle and defeated the massive horde". In some senses the more extraordinary whatever the event is, the more you need to recount it plainly.

 

Content: all basically ok so far. The reference to them hating Chaos is a bit out of place - all loyalist marines do hate traitors and everything else you mention in this text is about their battles with the Tyranids.

 

All Space Marine chapters, not just fleet based ones, as able to rapidly respond - that's what marines do. Not to say there's a problem with them being fleet-based, but rapid response isn't a plus or minus for them compared to other chapters.

 

I take it they're going to save Zealus and adopt it as their homeworld? Or at least their recruiting base? It having been invaded by Nids will be problematic as the Nids, even if driven off, alter the ecology of the planet. They'd been purging Nid lifeforms from the planet for years after the invasion.

 

Also, 2 months is probably way too long for a planet to have resisted a Tyranid invasion before any Space Marines or major imperial reinforcements arrived to help. It takes some time for the fleet to reach planets, but I think the total assimilation of a planet lacking major military defences would be over within weeks.

 

In terms of structure etc, have a read of the pinned "Resources for DIY" thread and read lots of others threads here - best way to get a feel for it.

 

Keep at it, you've made a decent start.

[Lephisto]

Nickpick: The planet name Zealus is too close to the chapter's name in my opinion. Sounds a bit silly when you put them together.

 

Writing Style: Your writing style at the moment feels a bit forced and unnatural. I see that you're looking to use language that conveys the drama and OTT nature of 40K but I'd suggest dialling it back a bit. Lurid phrasing and wording is like hot chilli sauce, it can change a piece of writing into something wonderful but a little goes a long way. Too much over-powers everything else you want people to enjoy and makes the whole a bit unpalatable.

 

It also falls a bit into the trap of telling rather than showing. It makes much more of an impression on your audience if you show your guys being epic and achieving massive things rather than just telling us "they had an epic battle and defeated the massive horde". In some senses the more extraordinary whatever the event is, the more you need to recount it plainly.

 

Content: all basically ok so far. The reference to them hating Chaos is a bit out of place - all loyalist marines do hate traitors and everything else you mention in this text is about their battles with the Tyranids.

 

All Space Marine chapters, not just fleet based ones, as able to rapidly respond - that's what marines do. Not to say there's a problem with them being fleet-based, but rapid response isn't a plus or minus for them compared to other chapters.

 

I take it they're going to save Zealus and adopt it as their homeworld? Or at least their recruiting base? It having been invaded by Nids will be problematic as the Nids, even if driven off, alter the ecology of the planet. They'd been purging Nid lifeforms from the planet for years after the invasion.

 

Also, 2 months is probably way too long for a planet to have resisted a Tyranid invasion before any Space Marines or major imperial reinforcements arrived to help. It takes some time for the fleet to reach planets, but I think the total assimilation of a planet lacking major military defences would be over within weeks.

 

In terms of structure etc, have a read of the pinned "Resources for DIY" thread and read lots of others threads here - best way to get a feel for it.

 

Keep at it, you've made a decent start.

 

Thanks so much for the help. Yeah, this is just the beginning of it. I just wanted to type out something really quick because I was doing it by phone. I  thought I would write down some basics to see what people think. What if I changed the nids to Eldar? Or how would I change it so the world survives the attack? Yes, I will be changing the name of Zealus. I didnt really have that much time to be original. I do plan on making the story about the war/invasion longer and elaborate more on it. I will edit this as soon as possible. Oh, how do I use the headers I see in the other IA's?

[Aegnor]

I think you can keep it as the Nids, just have the marines arrive sooner. Maybe a scout ship saw the Hive Fleet approaching the world and the chapter raced to defend the planet but were just beaten there by a week. I think for a planet with tech below the level of the Imperium, a week would be about the right timeframe for the planet to have been badly mauled and for their to have been lots of heroism from local defenders, but still conceivably have a planet left to save.

[Lephisto]

ok here it is:

 

In 738.M40 the Imperium founded the twenty sixth founding of several new space marine chapters. Among the many newly founded chapters, The Celestial Zealots chapter were forged. The Celestial Zealots have a very strong sense of duty in exterminating the Xenos threat especially the Tyranids.

A great warrior of courage named Lephisto Izgon of the Ultramarines who had served valiantly, was chosen to serve and lead the newly born Celestial Zealots. It was up to him now to make sure that his brothers were trained rigorously to serve the emperor with all their zeal.

The Celestial Zealots were primarily a fleet based chapter soaring through spacein endless time. During this time the Imperium had come under attack by the new alien threat known as the Tyranids. The Celestial Zealots had sent many scout
ships to monitor the Segmentum Solar system. Luckily one of the scout ships saw the approaching Hive to a certain world.The Celestial Zealots were now in a race against time to defend the planet from the rancid fiends. 

 

Fortunately The Celestial Zealots arrived on time and warned every inhabitant to prepare and defend their planet. Many of the inhabitantswere amazed and surprised by their arrival as they had never anything like the Space marines before. However theinhabitants were more than compliant to theorders of Izgon and welcomed their new allies. The Chapter waited for the arrival of the Tyranids and prepared cautiously as this was the first time they had ever faced a foe such as this.  Heavy Artillery and many of the Chapters companies were deployed under Izgon’s directions. The inhabitants wereused to make fortifications and to gather supplies for the Chapter. Izgon had make to be sure that this world would stay claimed for the Imperium untainted by Xenos.

Finally the Tyranids arrived but only to their disappointment as they saw that The Celestial Zealots had already prepared to
face them.  Both sides engaged furiously in the blood fight. Death tolls on both sides were high. The Ligarius IV had been under attack by the Tyranids for just a few hours and the casualty toll of the inhabitants were already accumulating.  Most of the marines on the front line were getting killed faster than they could hold off. The first company of The Celestial Zealots were in charge of the front-lines, however majority of them were killed and pinned down in the trenches of the front lines.  However the Tyranids were also running out of numbers to overwhelm the defence. Izgon knew that this was going to happen. The wise master prepared a huge fortification where all the inhabitants were gathered and the majority of the chapter were armed with heavy artillery to deliver the final blow to eradicate these fiends once and for all off their planet. The wise master and the last squad of the company rushed back to the fortification.
 

Explosions and bullets were tearing through the skies. The battle brothers at the fort started to open fire but this time with more firepower. Izgon commanded that an orbital bombardment was to be delivered near their fort. The effect of it was devastating. The whole of the surviving Hive were nearly destroyed. Izgon and his battle brothers arose out of the fort and fought the remaining fiends with
all their might.

 

On the corner of Izgon’s eye, he saw the hive tyrant, he immediately leaped forward to slay the beast. Bullets ripping through the rib cage of the tyrant weren’t enough.  The master ran out of his bullets and had to rely on his pure strength. Exchanging blows,the Tyranid Hive managed to stab the Master through the stomach and slashed around his neck, while Izgon managed to cut the head off the Tyrant hive with his powerful force axe.

 

After six long hours of struggling, all the remaining of the Tyranids were now all eradicated. The remainder of the Chapter and inhabitants gathered around the Izgon and the hive tyrant. Tears started to roll down the cheeks of the inhabitants as they saw Izgon as their personal saviour dying in front of them. The rest of the marines knelt and bowed down in honour around the master. As he was lying on the ground he turned his head to the right and saw a young man. He noticed that this young man fought like no other and had great potential. He beckoned the young man to come over to him and “What is thy name?”. The young man replied, “They call me Astrax.” The dying master grinning responded “From now on thou shalt be named Izgon Ligarius. Thou will be a great leader among your people.” Izgon grabbed his Force axe and pushed it aside to give to Ligarius. “This is now yours…Take it.”   Izgonn commanded that Ligarius should be recruited to be a Celestial Zealot. The Chapter Master bid his final farewell and left the rest to the Captain of the
first company - Lucilius Contino.

 

The battle reports were sent to the High Lords of Terra and granted The Celestial Zealots Ligarius IV as their home world. Their courageous act of duty was noted. How the Celestial Zealots defeated the Hive Fleet Medusa and Izgon killed the Hive tyrant will always be rembered in the hearts of  those that fought in the war. Their valiant service in the name of the Emperor was never to be forgotten.

The people of Ligarius IV saw the chapter’s arrival as an answer to their prayers. They also saw it as a prophecy fulfilled which was prophesied by their leading chief many years ago. The Celestial Zealots were able to defeat the menace. Although their victory was great, it had also come with a great cost. The first company nearly wiped out and their Chapter Master dead. The death toll of the inhabitants would have soared if it weren’t for the timely arrival of The Celestial Zealots.

 

Contino the Captain made vigorous plans to rebuild the planet and replenish the First Company. The Fortress Monastery was built upon the ground where the Chapter Master died. Lucilius Contino also sensed the great potential of Ligarius and took it as part of his duty to train and recruit him.  Since the war Ligarius is now the Captain of the Second Company and also the Chief Librarian. The Celestial Zealots are now roaming through space to eradicate the Tyranids once and for all.

[Lephisto]

any tips anyone?

[Messor]

Starting in the paragraph where Izgon is calling in the orbital bombardment there's an awkward transition/blend with more story/narrative elements. Now you can explain a Chapter and its inner workings through story(though that tends to take longer), but it works best one way or another: informative article, or story driven exposition. So I'd first decide which of these will work best for you, and then change the remainder of the article to reflect that.

[Lephisto]

Edited. Tips please.