The Banshee's (renegade DIY)

[Dark En Raul13]

So i decided to embrace my nasty side

this is my new plan for a renegade space marine chapter dedicated to the mindless slaughter of anything and everything that has a pulse

 

CHAPTER NAME:............THE BANSHEES
FOUNDING:................CURSED 21ST FOUNDING
HOMEWORLD:...............LUCIFER

FORTRESS MONASTARY:......THE TOWER(DESTROYED)

GENE-SEED(PREDECESSOR):..RAVEN GUARD

KNOWN DECENDANTS:........NONE

 

ORIGINS:
The Banshees became renegades only a few years after the chapter reached full strength, the chapter had barely fought more than 10 battles before rumors of heresy began to circulate amongst allied chapters. The chapter was still incredibly young when the exorcists refused to fight alongside them, stating that the chapter were heritics and could not be trusted after a member of the chapter attacked a squad of exorcists for seemingly no reason.

 

Shortly after the inquistion began to investigate the chapter after further accounts of the chapter being heritics surfaced they began searching for any kind of treachery or heresy. One inquisitor that investigated the chapter saw nothing wrong with the chapter until he witnessed 5 members of the chapter restrain and drag off a murderous, seemingly mad tactical marine. At first this was deemed a one off event after a sergent told the inquisitor he had recently been in a radioactive enviroment and the radiation had poisoned him, turning him insane. However more and more events like this were seen and recorded. The chapter were finally revealed to be something...different after the inquisitor went to see the chapter master, as he approached he saw that the chapter master was hunched other, clawing his head and muttering to himself. As he walked up briskly to see what was occuring the Banshee turned round, roaring like an animal at the inquisitor and launching himself at him. This lead to a brief conflict that lead to the inquisitor executing the chapter master in self defence, he then fled the planet with his findings to finally prove the chapter were either heritics or mutated in some way

 

When his findings were reported the worst fears of the inquisiton were realised. A random mutation had occured in the chapters gene-seed that had effectively 'cursed' them. This lead to the chapter being declared Excommunicate traitoris and forced to fortify their homeworld against the oncoming forces of the imperium sent to destroy them. But within a few weeks the curse of the chapter took hold of the entire chapter, destroying almost all of the sanity they once had, and they have been like this ever since.

 

The chapter offered refuge to the dark mechanicus after they were deamed heritics, they did this because Sikarus saw that the only way he could protect his chapter from the more powerful foes he would face would be to ally them with other renegades. This lead him to form alliances with the dark mechanicus by offering them sanctuary on Lucifer and recovered STC from the planet, he also formed an alliance with the Black Daemon's renegade warband, offering them a place they could call home if they incorperated their ranks into the chapter.

 

THE CURSE:
The curse that effects the Banshees is a incredibly powerful random mutation, it makes the chapter become much more animilistic in their actions, making them appear as vicious predators. The truth is far different. They maintain their humanity deep within their minds but any shred of humanity on the outside in near impossible to maintain.

 

It makes the Banshees long for the flesh and blood of others, and in truth the only creatures safe from the Banshees thirst for flesh is eachother, for everyone of them is linked like twin brothers are, they feel each others pain and share eachothers thoughts, this has made them a very unified fighting force, since they see eachother as brothers.

 

Effectively they have two personalities within one body, the animal personality controls the motor functions and vocals of the marine and turns them into a murderous predator, whereas the original human personality rules the thoughts of the marine, in rare cases certain members of the chapter maintain both the animal and the human personality as one entity, making them appear still human in their actions and speech. One case of this is the current pack leader Sikarus, who maintains his human personality to communicate with other renegade warriors from different warbands and uses his animal personality to direct the animal instincts of his fellow marines that have retained little or no humanity. This curse has lead the banshee's to maintain squads of warriors; now known of packs, but not remain as human as they once were.

 

HOMEWORLD:
Lucifer is a dark and twisted world, it is covered in eternal blizzards and large, snow covered forests. The world itself has many small settlements accross its surface, all of which live in fear of the Banshee's flying throughout the sky of the planet

 

The rest of the planet is an eternal hunting ground, its plains and forrests used to hunt the planets population in the chapters infamous 'flesh hunts'. Little else is known of the planet save for it contains thousands of small bases used by the dark mechanicus to convert and change the Standard Template construct technology they found upon the world, this has lead to the highest ranking members of the chapter owning certain unique types of weapon, but only ever the leaders of the renegades are granted these weapons, for the standard marines cannot be trusted with this technology

 

COMBAT DOCTRINE:
There is no code of conduct or specific fighting style employed by the Banshee's for the animal personality that controls their motor functions makes them fight like vicious animals that fight as if it is their last fight. Pack Leader Sikarus directs his warriors as best he can in an orderly fashion, but as the intensity of the battle increases the animal instincts to hunt become to strong for some of the chapter, causing them to turn psycopathic and attempt to slaughter all that stands in their way, sometimes even their own brothers

 

The Banshees fight to kill their enemies in the most savage and painful way, effectively punishing the imperium for betraying them because of what they made them. This has lead some of the Banshees to become completely savage due to their hatred of the imperium and has made them dangerous even to their own brothers.

 

ORGANISATION:

The chapter has a small level of organisation, every warrior is sorted into a pack and follows the orders of the Alpha Banshee, effectively the sergent of the squad. These Alpha Banshees retain slightly more humanity and are directed by Pack Leader Sikarus in the most orderly fashion possible, these warriors are organised until the thirst for the flesh of their enemies becomes too much, this leads them to become uncontrollable and can even result in Alpha Banshees executing these insane warriors.

 

BELIEFS:     

The Chapter believes that the imperium must be punished for abandoning them and betraying them because of their curse, they seek to make every last one of them suffer. One of the ways they do this is the ritual of the feasting. This is where the commander of the enemy is wounded but left alive, he is dragged before Pack Leader Sikarus at the end of a battle, after a brief exchange; of which is never recorded, the Pack Leader orders 2 of his men to hold the enemy commander whilst the rest of the Banshees eat his flesh while he still breathes. This is done for 2 reasons. 1. It punishes the imperium for their treachery and 2. it helps to sate the hunger for flesh developed by the Banshees.

 

The Pack Leader Sikarus is the only warrior to completely hold onto his sanity, and is the one of 3 to take part in the ritual referred to as 'the binding'. This ritual is simple, it involves branding the pages of the chapters most ancient relic, the Book Of Soul, with the tales of the battle and the names of the Banshees using shear psychic power. This Book is as old as the chapter and this tradition has been upheld since the dawn of the curse, for it is the only thing that remembers who the Banshee's and each of their warriors truly are.

 

BATTLECRY:

They have no battle cry save for the wailing, tortured screams of women and children they have killed, these crys have been recorded and are played through vox speakers on their armour and are the last thing many thousands of people hear before the chainsword finds their neck.

 

"The voices...the echo in my head, the trials of a Banshee...Must i bear these voices forever? Is there no end to the suffering we endure? Why did the emperor curse us like this! Why did you make me this!...Why do the words i speak not come from me? Why am i not myself...why cant i...what am...what am i Sikarus! WHAT HAVE YOU MADE ME!" - vox transmittion recovered from a fallen Banshee

 

[Gripharius]

The Banshee's

Its "Banshees" with no apostrophe. 

 

The Banshee's became renegades shortly after the chapter reached full strength, only a week after the chapter reached full strength the dark effects of the 'banshee' curse became apparent.

This is a very abrupt beginning.  I'm not saying it isn't a good place to start, but ot feels like I'm starting to read in the middle of something rather than the beginning.  Try re-writting this as an introduction paragraph where the reader doesn't know anything about the Banshees or the "Banshee" curse yet.

 

Shortly after reports of this reached the inquistion

This kind of reads like the Inquisition read it in the newspaper or something.

 

the banshee's were forced from their home

Forced from their "home"  sounds like they were all living in a big house together and got evicted.

 

as the blood angels were ordered to purge them

Nobody "orders" the Blood Angels to do anything.

 

the resulting battle lasted 2 weeks till the blood angels were forced to retreat, the savagery of the banshee's reaping huge casulties on the blood angels forces.

Okay, your one-week old Chapter just forced the Blood Angels to retreat and reaped "huge casualties" on them.  First of all, that's completely not believable.  The Blood Angels, and any First or Second Founding Chapter, would crush a 1-week old Chapter, I don't care how "cursed" they are. 

 

Secondly, you just said the Banshees were "forced from their home."  Did they get forced from their home and then make the Blood Angels retreat?  That doesn't make sense to me.

 

Within 10 years the entire chapter had been consumed by the curse, none of its warriors showing even a scrap of humanity left, save for the chapter master and later pack leader Sikarus.

Another abrupt transition.  The last sentence seemed mid-battle, then we're flashing forward 10 years.  Also, most Chapters are already low on "humanity".

 

This lead Sikarus to seek more...sain company, leading the man to the dark mechanicus and later an alliance with them.

I don't know what a "sain company" is, and you're calling Sikarus a "man" after you just said they had lost all of their "humanity". 

 

This later caused the chapter to be held in fear even by other renegades.

Why? Don't tell us, show us.

 

Its savage, animilistic qualities combined with the technology gifted to them by the dark mechanicus making them incredibly deadly.

Why did the Dark Mechanicus ally with them?  Why would the Dark Mechanicus give them anything? They are "savage" and "animalistic" and therefore not really in line with the Dark Mechanicum's techno-mindset.

 

Due to the alligance with the dark mechanicus the chapter still manages to recruit in the traditional way...

Why does the allegiance with the DM matter to how they recruit? 

 

only with a much more aggressive style, the warriors kidnap certain civilians present on the planet who show promise

No different from how other Renegades recurit.  To be honest, some Loyalists recruit this way, too.

 

the dark mechanicus then present the banshee's (those who retain a frail portion of sanity) with the slightly perverse version of the gene seed organs, these are then implanted in the kidnapped recruit, after this if the warrior survives he is held in the remains of the fortress monastary till the curse takes hold, then he is released into the mass of Banshee's that plague the skys

If you want to really communicate the full effect of what you are trying to convey, you should work on the use of periods and sentence structure. I don't mean this as an insult, I am just trying to help.

 

The Banshee's are cursed with a dark flaw, within a short amount of time the chapter's warriors begin to lose their sanity, becoming savage and brutal hunters of everything and anything. The curse eats away at the humanity of the marines, it makes them long for the blood and flesh of their foes, they become carnivors and later even become cannibalistic, the older they get the more and more twisted they become.

Where did this curse come from?  Any reasoning behind it or just random? 

 

They have adopted an animals personality, the traits of the galaxys most evil and vicious predatorial beasts all combined into one, vicious, unstoppable killing machine determined to destroy all that fights back...or even what doesnt.

Good imagery. Maybe a little over the top, though, and not particularly meaningful. A list of fearsome adjectives does not a fearsome Chapter make.

 

The curse has converted the warriors into creatures determined to take the life of anything and everything that lives that isnt one of them

Do they actually become "creatures" or do they just crave blood and flesh, and act like creatures?  If they look like creatures, some visual imagery might help.

 

this has made them near inpossible to combat in secret since even attempts to appear as one of them are discovered instantly and the opperative torn appart in a fit of rage.

I think you should replace "combat in secret" with "infiltrate" and this will make more sense.  Also, if they are such bloodthirsty killing machines, why don't they attack each other?

 

used by the dark mechanicus to convert and change the Standard Template construct technology they found upon the world, this has lead the banshee's to hold the most twisted and perverse of all the technology ever used by chaos, some of which is unique to the chapter completely

This is highly unlikely, incongruent and ultimately just too super-awesome.  Why would these bloodthirsty savage killing machines have the "most twisted and perverse of all the technology ever used by Chaos, some of which is unique to the Chapter"?  Why would the Dark Mechanicus let these beasts anywhere near this treasure-trove of holy and unique tech?  This is like the Catholic Church finding the Holy Grail and using it as a water bowl for a bunch of rabid Pit Bulls.

 

There is no code of conduct or specific fighting style employed by the Banshee's for they are completely insane, they fight on the sole instincts of a starved predator. Kill and devour.

First they were mindless killing machines bent on total destruction that had an unexplained alliance with the Dark Mechanicus, then they had this saddistic side with torture and blood-drinking and stuff, and now they are back to just "kill and devour." Because I've read the last paragraph of this already, I know kind of where you are going with it, but up to this point, it feels inconsistent.

 

The only single thing that the warriors are ordered to do is to kill everything, Pack Leader Sikarus orders his warriors and dark machines to destroy thousands of living things, this leads to the battlefield being little more than a bloodbath, a haven for endless slaughter

Again, great imagery, but not much of a Chapter.  You are not describing a Renegade Chapter, you are describing a pack of mindless monsters that are minions of Khorne or Malal that run around and have murder orgies.  There is, or at least should be, a difference between a Renegae Chapter and a Chaos Legion or warband.

 

The Chapter has little bordering on no organisation. It is lead by Pack leader Sikarus by shear power, he uses his pychic powers to control the banshee's through pain and fear, making their lives uncomfortable should they refuse to follow his demands. The only other form of organisation is the different cults of the Banshee's. The Daemon-serving Possessed, The Mindless Banshee's themselves and the Cult Mechanicum of chaos, each of which serves its own beliefs

 What is his will?  Is it just killing and devouring?  If so, then why does he need to "control" them with psychic power?  If he controls them with some purpose in mind, then that reason needs to be fleshed out.

 

The Possessed warriors serve the daemons of chaos, they preform daily sacrificial rites and dark rituals, all of which to attempt to please the dark gods of chaos.The Mindless Banshee's believe nothing, they know nothing save for the thrill of the hunt and the pleasure of the kill, they hold no beliefs, only that Sikarus is lord and master, and that those who fight him must be destroyed. The Cult Mechanicum of chaos is dedicated to the dark machine, they use technology to be the most powerful and worship no chaos god, only themselves.

The fact that the "Chapter" has three distinct parts with different traits and purposes needs to be addressed much earlier. You describe the Chapter as mindless, animalisitc beasts at one point, then as these torturers and sadists later, and then sprinkle in all these Dark Mechanicum goodies throughout. None of those things go together. You have to explain why they exist in your "Chapter" and why they all do what you have them do.

 

You have a lot of visceral imagery, but if you wipe away the outer layer of gore, you some incongruent concepts that need to be further developed and explained.

 

I apologize if my tone seems harsh, I'm just trying to be direct and cut to the chase, and for some reason sometimes that comes off as harsh or intense.

[Dark En Raul13]

no i completely understand, i admit that i think i didnt think everything through as well as i have on some of my previous work, ill be updating everything soon