IA: The Celestial Zealots

[Lephisto]

THE CELESTIAL ZEALOTS

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7372/8725794454_86facf5138.jpg

 

 

CHAPTER NAME: ..........................THE CELESTIAL ZEALOTS

FOUNDING: ...................................23rd
CHAPTER WORLD: .......................LIGARIUS  IV

GENE-SEED (PREDECESSOR): ...ULTRAMARINES

FORTRESS MONASYERY: ...........UNKNOWN
KNOWN DESCENDANTS: .............NONE KNOWN

 

 

 

"... We are the hope of the universe. We are the answer to all living things that cry out for peace.

We are the protectors of the innocent. We are the light in the darkness. We are truth.

Ally to good! Nightmare to you!

We are The Celestial Zealots!"

Origins

 

 

In 738.M40 the Imperium founded the twenty sixth founding of several new space marine chapters. Among the many newly founded chapters, The Celestial Zealots chapter were forged. The Celestial Zealots have a very strong sense of duty in exterminating the Xenos threat especially the Tyranids.

A great warrior of courage named Lephisto Izgon of the Ultramarines who had served valiantly, was chosen to serve and lead the newly born Celestial Zealots. It was up to him now to make sure that his brothers were trained rigorously to serve the emperor with all their zeal.

The Celestial Zealots were primarily a fleet based chapter soaring through space in endless time. During this time the Imperium had come under attack by the new alien threat known as the Tyranids. The Celestial Zealots had sent many scout ships to monitor the Segmentum Solar system. Luckily one of the scout ships saw the approaching Hive to a certain world. The Celestial Zealots were now in a race against time to defend the planet from the rancid fiends.

Fortunately The Celestial Zealots arrived on time and warned every inhabitant to prepare and defend their planet. Many of the inhabitants were amazed and surprised by their arrival as they had never anything like the Space marines before. However the inhabitants were more than compliant to the orders of Izgon and welcomed their new allies. The Chapter waited for the arrival of the Tyranids and prepared cautiously as this was the first time they had ever faced a foe such as this.

 

Heavy Artillery and many of the Chapters companies were deployed under Izgon’s directions. The inhabitants were used to make fortifications and to gather supplies for the Chapter. Izgon had make to be sure that this world would stay claimed for the Imperium untainted by Xenos.

Finally the Tyranids arrived but only to their disappointment as they saw that The Celestial Zealots had already prepared to
face them.  Both sides engaged furiously in the blood fight. Death tolls on both sides were high. The Ligarius IV had been under attack by the Tyranids for just a few hours and the casualty toll of the inhabitants were already accumulating. Most of the marines on the front line were getting killed faster than they could hold off.

 

The first company of The Celestial Zealots were in charge of the front-lines, however majority of them were killed and pinned down in the trenches of the front lines. However the Tyranids were also running out of numbers to overwhelm the defence. Izgon knew that this was going to happen. The wise master prepared a huge fortification where all the inhabitants were gathered and the majority of the chapter were armed with heavy artillery to deliver the final blow to eradicate these fiends once and for all off their planet. The wise master and the last squad of the company rushed back to the fortification.

Explosions and bullets were tearing through the skies. Thebattle brothers at the fort started to open fire but this time with more
firepower. Izgon commanded that sets of explosions was to be delivered near their fort. The effect of it was devastating. The whole of the surviving Hive were nearly destroyed. Izgon and his battle brothers arose out of the fort and fought the remaining fiends with all their might. On the corner of Izgon’s eye, he saw the hive tyrant, he immediately leaped forward to slay the beast. Bullets ripping through the rib cage of the tyrant weren’t enough.  The master ran out of his bullets and had to rely on his pure strength.

Exchanging blows, the Tyranid Hive managed to stab the Master through the stomach and slashed around his neck, while Izgon managed to cut the head off the Tyrant hive with his powerful force axe.

After six long hours of struggling, all the remaining of the Tyranids were now all eradicated. The remainder of the Chapter and inhabitants gathered around the Izgon and the hive tyrant. Tears started to roll down the cheeks of the inhabitants as they saw Izgon as their personal saviour dying in front of them. The rest of the marines knelt and bowed down in honour around the master. As he was lying on the ground he turned his head to the right and saw a young man. He noticed that this young man fought like no other and had great potential. He beckoned him to come over to his dying body and commanded that Ligarius should be recruited to be a Celestial Zealot. The Chapter Master bid his final farewell and left the rest to the Captain of the first company - Lucilius Contino.

 

The battle reports were sent to the High Lords of Terra and granted The Celestial Zealots Ligarius IV as their home world. Their courageous act of duty was noted. How the Celestial Zealots defeated the Hive Fleet Medusa and Izgon killed the Hive tyrant will always be remembered in the hearts of  those that fought in the war. Their valiant service in the name of the Emperor was never to be forgotten.

The people of Ligarius IV saw the chapter’s arrival as an answer to their prayers. They also saw it as a prophecy fulfilled which was
prophesied by their leading chief many years ago. The Celestial Zealots were able to defeat the menace. Although their victory was great, it had also come with a great cost. The first company nearly wiped out and their Chapter Master dead. The death toll of the inhabitants would have soared if it weren’t for the timely arrival of The Celestial Zealots.

Contino the Captain made vigorous plans to rebuild the planet and replenish the First Company. The Fortress Monastery was built upon
the ground where the Chapter Master died. Lucilius Contino also sensed the great potential of Ligarius and took it as part of his duty to train and recruit him.  Since the war Ligarius is now the Captain of the Second Company and also the Chief Librarian. The Celestial Zealots are now roaming through space to eradicate the Tyranids once and for all.

 

[TrashMan]

That motto/quote/warcry sounds awfully familiar.....

[CantonWC]

Hello

 

Um, I'm just going to preface this with a warning that I can be a bit... nasty with my critiques. Part of the reason why I took a break from critiquing DIYs. So I'm going to try to keep myself restrained, and don't take this personally.

 

 

"... We are the hope of the universe. We are the answer to all living things that cry out for peace.

We are the protectors of the innocent. We are the light in the darkness. We are truth.

Ally to good! Nightmare to you!

We are The Celestial Zealots!"

 

I know where this came from. It was a great anime and a great moment in that anime, but for this IA I don't know the context of this line or who it's being said to. Honestly it comes across as rather cheesy and melodramatic, and since I know where it came from it lessens the impact for me. I'm imagining a bunch of Space Marines standing in super hero poses while saying the line, and that's... probably not the image you want your reader to have.

 

 

FOUNDING: ...................................23rd

In 738.M40 the Imperium founded the twenty sixth founding

 

You seem to have your dates mixed up. The 23rd Founding took place about M37/38. The 26th Founding is the latest one, and that's 738M41. So... please clarify when exactly your Chapter was founded.

 

On another note, here is a link to the sum of information on the 23rd Founding. It should be reasonably accurate.

 

 

A great warrior of courage named Lephisto Izgon of the Ultramarines who had served valiantly, was chosen to serve and lead the newly born Celestial Zealots. It was up to him now to make sure that his brothers were trained rigorously to serve the emperor with all their zeal.

 

Is there a reason why the Chapter Master also has your name? Usually that is a pretty clear indication of a self insert/author avatar. Which is not always a bad thing, but in my experience is rarely cause for optimism.

 

 

 

The Celestial Zealots were primarily a fleet based chapter soaring through space in endless time. During this time the Imperium had come under attack by the new alien threat known as the Tyranids. The Celestial Zealots had sent many scout ships to monitor the Segmentum Solar system. Luckily one of the scout ships saw the approaching Hive to a certain world. The
Celestial Zealots were now in a race against time to defend the planet from the rancid fiends.

...

 

I'm just going to quote something from the Octaguide here:

 

 

Battles are boring
Like the book says, in the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. By the time anyone gets to your IA, they'll have read about a lot of battles. All writing about a battle does is provide them with something they've seen before, countless times, and distract from the points that are unique about your IA. Read GW IAs, and note how they talk about battles - they set the scene, explain briefly what happened, and talk about the aftermath and what that meant. The battle is important because of what it meant, not what happened in the battle itself. There is no point in planning out a blow-by-blow description of how your Chapter Master fought his archenemy - that's not what's important about that fight. What's important is why they were fighting, who won, and what that meant to later events.

 

What Octavulg said. Unfortunately, about 70% of your IA thus far consists of a blow by blow account of a battle, and I found it very tedious to read through. You could sum up the battle and what it means for the Chapter in 2-3 paragraphs, without having to go into exhaustive detail on what happened at what time, who killed who, why you had artillery on this ridge instead of that, and so on.

 

 

Exchanging blows, the Tyranid Hive managed to stab the Master through the stomach and slashed around his neck, while Izgon managed to cut the head off the Tyrant hive with his powerful force axe.

 

The Chapter Master is also a Librarian?

 

 

 

As he was lying on the ground he turned his head to the right and saw a young man. He noticed that this young man fought like no other and had great potential. He beckoned him to come over to his dying body and commanded that Ligarius should be recruited to be a Celestial Zealot. The Chapter Master bid his final farewell and left the rest to the Captain of the first company - Lucilius Contino.

 

The people of Ligarius IV saw the chapter’s arrival as an answer to their prayers. They also saw it as a prophecy fulfilled which was

prophesied by their leading chief many years ago.

 

These are details that I have problems with. They are dropped into the narrative with no prior build up and I do not understand their significance at all. Basically if it's not important or relevant, it should be removed.

 

 

Contino the Captain made vigorous plans to rebuild the planet and replenish the First Company. The Fortress Monastery was built upon
the ground where the Chapter Master died. Lucilius Contino also sensed the great potential of Ligarius and took it as part of his duty to train and recruit him.  Since the war Ligarius is now the Captain of the Second Company and also the Chief Librarian.

 

Why is he a Company Captain and Chief Librarian?

 

Psykers in command positions are quite possible, given the variety of beliefs and idiosyncrasies of Chapters, but you have to explain the why behind the difference.

 

 

The Celestial Zealots are now roaming through space to eradicate the Tyranids once and for all.

 

In general I tend to be wary of Chapters that have as their premise "We specialize in killing Tyranids/Orks/Eldar/Whatever to the exclusion of all else."

 

If you hate a certain enemy more than others, I would say that is different. My Dark Swords, barring one or two possible exceptions, hate the Eldar more than any other enemy and happily seek out any excuse to commit good old fashioned genocide on the Space Elves. But to use a clumsy allusion, the Imperium has 999 problems and the Tyranids are just one. So what are you going to do about the other 998? Space Marines don't get to pick and choose who they fight, they fight anyone who is considered an enemy of mankind. Sometimes the enemy comes to them. What if an Imperial world is desperately screaming for help against an Ork WAAAGH? Are you just going to ignore them and find more Tyranids?

 

-----

 

In closing... um, I'm trying to be diplomatic about all this, because I have a habit of being unnecessarily brutal to other peoples' IAs. But, I'm really just lukewarm and I don't care about this Chapter at all. And I'm not trying to be a ****.

 

I know what the Chapter does, which is fight Tyranids. But I don't know anything else about them. I don't know what they're like as people, what beliefs or cultural practices they might have, what motivates them. I don't know why I should care what happens to them or why I should be invested in them. This should be serious cause for alarm because obviously that's not the reaction the reader should be having to your work.

 

I would advise you to look up the Liber DIY Guide and also Octavulg's guide to get some ideas as to what you want to do with your Chapter beyond "They fight Tyranids."

[Lephisto]

Thank you so much for your comments. They were actually really helpful. I will take them into consideration. Don't worry I din't feel that you came off as a d***, your comments were very helpful. I will get straight to work.

[CantonWC]

Just another thing. If lephisto was the only name you could come up with, then I apologize for misjudging.

 

To use an example... I don't know why I tend to plug my own Chapter so much, but I feel like it helps if I explain my thought process.

 

Raziel Scryer was the first Chapter Master of my Chapter, the Dark Swords. He is like me in certain ways; kindness, intelligence, a curiosity and thirst for knowledge. In other ways he is really not like me at all, notwithstanding the fact that he is a 7 and a half foot super soldier that typically leaps into battle with dual power swords. Galmarr (working name), his second in command, is also like me in certain ways, being taciturn and stoic. In other ways he is not like me, and overall I find him to be a somewhat unpleasant individual.

 

What I mean to say is that characters in Chapter IAs may end up being like you the author in certain ways, or they reflect real people that you know. But the ideal objective is to avoid creating a character that functions as a self-insert, which essentially just leads to wish fulfillment.

[Aegnor]

I remember from the earlier version of this, you wanted them to be pretty much totally focused on fighting Tyranids. I don't think its unrealistic for a chapter in the path of the Hivefleets on the far Eastern Fringe to be totally occupied that way. They are huge invasions.

 

I think CantonWC is right about the battle description being too long. Nothing wrong with you having all the detail about the battle in your head, but as this article is our introduction to your chapter, we just won't care about that detail - its like if the Lord of the Rings movies jumped straight to the battle of Helm's Deep without any of the character development. As stated what's important is what comes out of the battle. So you can use phrases like "out of the battle that followed, the Zealots and Ligarius IV tell many stories of the unflinching resistance, and the heroism of Lephisto and his marines, and of Lephisto's deadly duel with the Hive Tyrant that saw them both die" and then just move on to the consequences.

 

With Lesphisto nominating the child as he died, it could be a nice touch, but holds up the narrative flow and sounds a bit twee in the body of the text. I'd suggest making it a sidebar and saying that this is one of the popular stories to come out of the battle - that many of the children of Ligarius were pressed to carry ammo etc to the warriors, that legend/folklore now has it that one child saved Lephisto by bravely distracting a Tyranid monstrosity when the Chapter Master had been knocked over or whatever, and that afterwards those children who survived were invited to take the trials. You could say that folklore now has it that the current Chapter Master is that self-same child who saved Lephisto. In 40k, often you can include the more incredible by saying that it is a legend or rumour and leaving open the possibility that its true.

 

One thing, you say that they faced the entire Hive Fleet Medusa - that's too much in my opinion. Even as a relatively small hive fleet, that's a massive fleet of hive ships. Say it was a tendril of Medusa - that's still a huge force, and also gives them an immediate focus of preparing for the rest of Medusa/saving surrounding planets as well.

[CantonWC]

 

I remember from the earlier version of this, you wanted them to be pretty much totally focused on fighting Tyranids. I don't think its unrealistic for a chapter in the path of the Hivefleets on the far Eastern Fringe to be totally occupied that way. They are huge invasions.

 

 

Point conceded. Especially if he is 26th founding. But, I am of the opinion that a Chapter that is mono-focused on only one enemy is rather boring.

 

It's always good to have a second perspective, to pick up on things that another might not have thought of.