IA: Ebon Suns

[Rindaris]

Since I've gotten back into the 40k hobby, about 8 years ago, my marine chapter has seen alot of changes, in fluff and in actual design. As I've grown older and wiser I've been able to set what I truly want in stone for my Astartes. I've attempted to put together IAs for The Ebon Suns in the past, and those have been helpful towards the end result, but still lacking. Now that I'm truly feeling a comeback to the B&C figured that while I work on mini's for the ETL II vow that it would be good for me to finally find where The Ebon Suns belong in the greater scheme of things.

This is, obviously, a work in progress. I welcome all comments and constructive advice.

Overall concept: Blood Angels Successor seeking their purpose in the greater scheme of the 'verse.

 

Source data will be linked within the article. I am aware that not all internet data is to be trusted, and am willing to make changes as seen fit. But I do have to start somewhere.

Ebon Suns

'We are the dawn following the night. We are the Light against the Dark. We stand as beacons against the oncoming storm.' - Eld Deschain, first Chapter Master of the Ebon Suns.

     The Ebon Suns are a successor chapter of the Blood Angels, loyal sons of Sanguinius. They were part of the 18th Founding, taking place at 700.M35. They were created to fill a void that had been created by the fall of a previous chapter, in guarding a segment of space in Segmentum Obscurus.

 

Geneseed

     Astartes of the Ebon Suns are proud sons of Sanguinius. Their geneseed is as pure as any other Son of Sanguinius. However there are a few things that do set them apart from their Baal Brothers. It is theorized that due to some residual radiation on Connothos, at least that is the belief, the recruits who are selected to join the chapter have two distinct variations. The first being a physical alteration in which their eyes appear to be orbs of solid gold. The truth is that this gold appearance is being a thick, viscus film covering the eyes, protecting them from the radiation. It has been evolved as a normal aspect of life on Connothos. When they undergo their enhancements in becoming full Astartes it is they no longer require the benefits of this evolutionarily change would still be needed, yet the genetic quirk endures seemingly as homage to their homeworld.

     The second variation is that those born on Connothos are more inclined to be talented in the Librarium arts. About one
in fifteen recruits that become full Astartes are found to be so gifted. These gifts allow the Astartes in question to be able to generally sense a 'wrongness' about something. Due to their ability to search out the truth in words, or the hidden from sight, they have been dubbed the Seekers. Individually they still serve in regular squads throughout the chapter companies, though they receive additional training, and monitoring, from the Librarium.

Fall of the Ebon Suns

901.M36

      Records indicate that by the time the Sixth Black Crusade took place the chapter known as The Ebon Suns was at full
strength. Unfortunately many events of this Crusade have been lost to time. Accessing the chapter archives illuminates a small piece of the puzzle, though it can't be confirmed if this incident was related to the Crusade or merely took shape around the same time.

     During this time the chapter received a distress call from an farming world designate TDT-19. Current data shows this world a barren wasteland, absolutely devoid of all life.

     As the chapter prepared their ships to intervene on TDT-19 more distress calls came in. Hundreds, then thousands. Something most dire was going on and haste was needed. The chapter master sent all companies ready for action directly to TDT-19, seven in total. The remaining three would follow shortly to support if needed.

     As the ships of The Ebon Suns drew close communications were opened with TDT-19. The channels were empty. Scans of the planet indicated that much of the landscape was scorched, and there hardy remained enough life signs to suggest this was a farming world.

     The final records that could be retrieved from the initial contact with TDT-19 indicate that the master of the Ebon Suns ordered his men planet-side to investigate the distress calls.

     As hours turned to days without contact from the engaged companies the three remaining captains ordered their fleets to
reinforce their chapter master. As they drew close a librarian felt something wrong and reported this to the captain of the Fifth. The fleets slowed their approach to find much of the initial fleet floating in space as burnt wreckage. Scans of the wreckage were able to identify several ships that were part of the chapters fleet, but just as many ships were missing entirely.

     As the three fleets approached the planet to seek more signs of their brethren they began to receive messages from
the surface. Little more then static noise at first, upon recorded review several images and words were picked out: Several Astartes fighting something, the static noise masking its identity. Bolter ammo running out and the Astartes resorting to their chain-weapons. Muddled words.. 'Come' ... more muddled words .. 'Save' .. a few more .. 'Damnation'. Then silence.

     Scans of the planet revealed the presence of the seven companies, but not their status. Vox channels could not
be linked nor any signals successfully teleported directly aboard. Before consulting with the other two, the captain of the Fifth met with a trusted adviser, a talented consul of the Librarium. The librarian attempted to reach to the minds of his brothers below, but something was blocking him. In his mind he felt a presence most foul, an ancient entity that merely laughed at his presence. He felt only one truth to pass on... they were to late.

     The three remaining captain met to determine the next course of action. TDT-19 was lost. Any hope of escape was
denied to the seven companies below. Whatever had happened below could not be allowed to escape and wreck such havoc further into the Imperium. It was argued that perhaps some brethren yet lived on the surface. If so they had to be
rescued. But to risk further brothers if no hope remained would be insanity. It was decided to send down probes and servitors to report the conditions of the surface back to the ships in orbit.

     These were sent to the drop site of the original companies. Half of the drops were intercepted and detonation was detected before they reached the system. Images were mostly static and sound was no better. But enough was seen clear to not be mistaken. Bodies of their brothers lay strewn about the ground, tore asunder, or hung as trophies upon poles and walls. It would not be long before each probe and servitor was spotted and destroyed, either by a twisted parody of what should have been one of their brothers, or by an unearthly creature.

     The three captains could not deny that TDT-19 was lost, beyond hope. And if seven companies could not overcome the odds what would sending a mere three more accomplish? The captains sent out a broadcast for help, knowing they could not achieve victory on their own. Replies were scarce and slow, closest aid was weeks away. Even just a few days in orbit and those aboard the ships were starting to be effected by the planet. Unwarranted fights were breaking out, diseases appearing upon the sick. Whatever was happening below was spreading. They dared not linger, nor could they wait for help, but leaving the world as it was and unguarded seemed just as dangerous.

 

     It was decided, exterminatus. The only way to be sure that whatever evil lingered on TDT-19 would be wiped out.

     As the massive planetary weapons were brought to bear on TDT-19 prayers were said for the brothers below. As the
bombardment tore apart the planet a cackle was heard, felt by all.

     The three fleets returned to Connothos to determine their future. Their best and brightest had been wiped out. The leadership of the Chapter was all but gone. It was agreed that the captain of the Fifth would become the new chapter master.

     The three remaining captains met with the command of the Blood Angels to brief them on the events. It was agreed that
the proper choice, the only option, was the best action to take. However this did not relieve them of the responsibility of killing their own brothers and losing over 70% of the chapter. For this the remainder of the chapter would follow a Penitent Crusade.

     A new xenos threat had been located and the Deathwatch had been contacting chapters seeking assistance. It was decided that The Ebon Suns would fight side-by-side with the Deathwatch, supporting them where needed and taking on some missions and patrols entirely.

 

The chapter would remain on their Crusade until this threat was fully eliminated. For the seven companies lost they were forbidden from replacing them. They were to follow through with the three companies they had, allowed to replace the fallen
of those but no more.

Homeworld

     Connothos. Upon first inspection one would not note anything truly unusual about this world. Though technically classified as an Agricultural world, the settlements face a constant threat. This threat are the mechanical armies that seem flow from the caves and rise from the ground. Sometimes there are merely a handful of very intelligent droids, other times entire armies rise to strike at the settlements and Imperial bases.

     The Ebon Suns have settled themselves upon this world, as has an Imperial regiment guarding a research facility. The
purpose of the research facility is highly guarded, none of the settlements know it to be anymore then a regular Imperial Militia training facility. The true purpose of the facility is to study the planet itself, if you can call it a planet. The truth being it is a Dyson Sphere. Its origins are unknown, as is the identity of its creator.

     What is known is that the sphere wasn't always at this location. It moved several thousand years ago, and then stopped.
The scientists at the facility have been able to descend into the sphere itself, to a limited degree. They have determined the radiation that spreads to the surface is likely from whatever is at the core, powering the sphere. It is thought that whomever created the sphere was not effected by this radiation or perhaps even required it much like humans require oxygen.

     The Imperial forces have discovered some dormant manufacturing facilities far below the surface. These being either to
damaged from age or simply unpowered to be of any use. But there remains plenty of the inner Sphere that has not been discovered that would explain the appearance of the droid forces on the surface. Why the manufacturing facilities still create these forces and for what purpose remains a mystery. All droids that have been disabled have scrubbed their own memory cores as a final act.

Beliefs

     The Astartes of The Ebon Suns are not unlike other chapters in their beliefs. They know the Emperor to be no god, but they still revere him as ruler of the galaxy. They pay spiritual homage and true loyalty to Sanguinius, and following the teaching and ways of Eld as when he established the chapter.

 

 

[Firepower]

Since I've gotten back into the 40k hobby, about 8 years ago, my marine chapter has seen alot of changes, in fluff and in actual design. As I've grown older and wiser I've been able to set what I truly want in stone for my Astartes. I've attempted to put together IAs for The Ebon Dawn in the past, and those have been helpful towards the end result, but still lacking. Now that I'm truly feeling a comeback to the B&C I figured that while I work on mini's for the ETL II vow that it would be good for me to finally find where The Ebon Dawn belong in the greater scheme of things.

Welcome back

The Ebon Dawn are a successor chapter of the Blood Angels, loyal sons of Sanguinius. They were part of the 22nd Founding, taking place at 500.M36.

Well, right off the bat this strikes me as odd. What is a single brother referred to as, a Dawn? An Ebon Dawn? A Brother of the Ebon Dawn?

The name is a bit unwieldy.

The Age of Apostasy had left the Imperium in turmoil once more. In response to the events caused by Vandire the 22nd founding is established, creating more Adeptus Astartes to prevent such an incident from occurring again. One of these chapters was the The Ebon Dawn. The Blood Angels sent forth a promising captain by the name of Eld along with his personal honor guard to establish the new chapter. With a fresh wave of Astartes ready for battle-testing Eld was given command of the battle barge Starfury. It would be some time before this young Chapter would truly be up to combat strength. The Chapter would establish itself on the world of Terralon.

I'm not sure if the timing of the founding and the Age of Apostasy line up. I'm also unsure that the Chapter were created specifically because of that event.

Not doubting, just not sure. I'll cruise the resource stickies later if I remember to.

Due to some residue radiation on Terralon, at least that is the belief, the recruits who are selected to join the chapter have two separate variations. The first being is their eyes. They appear solid gold. The actual fact being is this gold appearance is being a film covering the eyes, protecting them.

A reflective mutation of the skin might make more sense than the eyes. Kinda like Turians from Mass Effect

But seeing as it's Sci-Fi, taking liberties like this is not exactly a big deal. Just offering some food for thought.

The second variation is that those born on Terralon are most naturally inclined towards the Librarian arts. For most Astartes their talent is minimal and rarely more than slightly better senses or a very trusty gut-instinct. Just above those are Astartes that have been dubbed the Seekers. Their powers still not to the level of those of the Librarium, though perhaps in time each might develop them greater. They have been dubbed the Seekers due to the fact they all share one particular ability, the ability to sense 'wrongness'. They are very hard to lie to, to deceive in any fashion. Some have even been able to detect the presence of cloaked, or invisible, entities. The Astartes that are part of the Librarium however do not truly exceed the number one would expect for a chapter of this size.

Umm..hm. So, everyone in the Chapter has some semblance of psychic ability? That's super dangerous. The whole Chapter would be more vulnerable to Warp entities.

"Seekers" is a bit soft and generic. It's not really any different than Seer, Mystic, etc., but I can't think of a better alternative just this moment. I'll get back to you on that.

The chapter simply can't afford to waste the resource that is a single Astartes. Instead all the brothers who succumb to the curse are placed in stasis and kept secure for a time when a cure might be discovered.

I don't get this. How is putting them on ice less of a loss than letting them die in battle? You lose 1 marine either way. Are they worried about other resources, like losing his armor and weapons on the battlefield? And all that cryo gear seems like it would be a huge investment of materiel itself.

-snip-

Exterminatus. The only way to be sure that whatever evil lingered on TDT-19 would be wiped out.

Wow. Exterminating 7/10 of your own Chapter is...big. Like, really big. They'd have to be a really cold blooded and pragmatism oriented lot to do it, instead of going all out in an attempt to save/avenge them, or wait for an alternative plan of attack. If that's the case, you'd be well served to demonstrate that before getting to this point in the narrative.

Otherwise, you'll need to do an absolute bang up job with a bow on it to leave the Chapter no other possible conceivably minor choice. I don't get that feeling as it is written now.

At the very least I'd say you need a ticking clock.

The three fleets returned to Terralon to determine their future. Their best and brightest had been wiped out. The leadership of the Chapter was all but gone.

Even more important. You don't just lose your most (arguably) important brothers, but the Chapter's relics and most valuable materiel. Big, big, biiiig decision.

Gideon, along with the two remaining captains, met with the command of the Blood Angels to brief them on the events.

Why?

It was decided that The Ebon Dawn would offer themselves, in whole, to the Deathwatch to combat this threat.

I'm not sure that's how the Inquisition rolls. I can't be sure, but I think Deathwatch recruits much more specifically, seeking out individuals rather than armies.

The Astartes of The Ebon Dawn are not unlike other chapters. They know the Emperor to be no god, but they still revere him as ruler of the galaxy. They pay spiritual homage and true loyalty to Sanguinius, and following the teaching and ways of Eld as when he established the chapter.

I'd hope the belief structure would change in some radical or at least significant way considering what they've been through.

[Rindaris]

@Firepower. Thanks for the quick response. Going to have to look it over with a fine-tooth comb and give it thought. I was more piecing together from old works of mine I still had handy to get this started again. I can set I'm set on the chapter name, originally it was the Ka-tet of the Ebon Dawn, but shortened it upon advice from my previous IA builds. I do appreciate your thoughts and will take them into account... just don't know how quickly, with the holiday weekend starting and all :)

[Firepower]

You could try Ebon Suns.  Though I would think on why to call them Ebon Dawn(s?) in the first place.  Personally, I like when the name of a Chapter has some specific meaning. :)

[Rindaris]

It does. But takes a bit to explain. Will in a later post, promise :)

[Rindaris]

Ebon = Black

Dawn = White

 

They are warriors of the White, though they wear Black (one of several nods to Stephen King of the Dark Tower series)

 

As well the darkness is coming, consuming the galaxy. As the old saying goes... the darkness before the dawn. The bad times will come, but the Astartes will be the dawn that brings humanity back into the light.

[Octavulg]

This is, obviously, a work in progress. I welcome all comments and constructive advise.

Advice is spelled with a 'c'.

I share Firepower's assessment of the impracticality of the name.

The Ebon Dawn are a successor chapter of the Blood Angels, loyal sons of Sanguinius. They were part of the 22nd Founding, taking place at 500.M36.

The 22nd founding is pretty inexorably stuck at about halfway through M37. We know this because there was a Founding during the Occlusiad, and the 23rd happens at the turn of the millenium.

Fall of the Ebon Dawn

This is too detailed. Right now, your guys don't have that much personality, so a lengthy detailed account of what happened is too much.

You mention names of people who we'll never hear from again, details of events that don't matter as much as their consequences, etc. It's unnecessary. You could boil this down to the following without losing anything that mattered at all, and could probably go a lot further:

"The overall purpose and events of the Sixth Black Crusade remain in shadow. But during this time the Ebon Dawn received a distress call from an farming world designate TDT-19. The Chapter Master sent all companies ready for action directly to TDT-19, seven in total. The remaining three would follow shortly to support if needed.

As hours turned to days without contact from Rafferty or his fleets the three remaining captains ordered their ships to reinforce their Chapter Master. As they drew close one of the touched Seekers warned that something was wrong. The fleets slowed their approach to find much of the initial fleet floating in space as burnt wreckage, though many ships were missing entirely.

Scans of the planet revealed the presence of the seven companies, but not their status. Vox channels could not be linked nor any signals successfully teleported directly aboard. The Librarians attempted to reach to the minds of their brothers below, only to encounter a presence most foul, an ancient entity that merely laughed at their presence.

The three Captains met and discussed the matter. TDT-19 was lost. Any hope of escape was denied to the seven companies below. Whatever had happened below could not be allowed to escape and wreck such havoc further into the Imperium. It was argued that perhaps some brethren yet lived on the surface. If so they had to be rescued. But if seven companies could not overcome the odds what would sending a mere three more accomplish? It was decided: Exterminatus.

As the fleet's massive weapons were brought to bear on TDT-19 prayers were said for the brothers below, and as the bombardment tore apart the planet a cackle was felt by all. The three fleets returned to Terralon to determine their future. Their best and brightest had been wiped out. The leadership of the Chapter was all but gone. It was agreed that the Captain of the Eighth, Gideon, would become the new chapter master. In his first act as Chapter Master, Gideon declared that it was necessary to do penance for the deaths of their brothers, and announced that the remaining three companies would embark on a Penintent Crusade. The three companies offered themselves as a whole to the Deathwatch, to face new threats on the borders of the Imperium."

That's half the length and has the same information.

In any case, not much personality is coming across from them. What are you trying for?

[Rindaris]

Well, this was just part of it, obviously not meant to be the whole thing. Just what I had time to get going on at the time.

 

I will put some thought into changing the name. Not keen on it, but I do see your points.

[Rindaris]

Been putting some thought into the name, and considering Shadow Angels. Still has a similar feel to what I intended, and as far as I can tell there is no canon chapter with this name.

[Octavulg]

Personally, I like Firepower's suggestion of Ebon Suns a lot more than Shadow Angels. Shadow Angels is very DIY-chaptery.

[Rindaris]

I've been wondering on Ebon Suns. Just not really sold on the Suns part of it I guess. i would need to figure out how to create a meaning behind that name.

[Octavulg]

...You don't think "Suns" can serve the "brightness" role in your earlier meaning?

[Rindaris]

Sorry, long, busy holiday weekend + caffeine withdraw... not very good for creative thinking. Yeah, it could work. Going to do some adding/editing, assuming my connection holds out.. its been kinda iffy this morning.

[Rindaris]

Ok, made some changes. Would do more, but the connection is being really flaky and don't want to lose anything.

[Ravenfeld]

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

This is, obviously, a work in progress. I welcome all comments and constructive advice.

Overall concept: Blood Angels Successor seeking their purpose in the greater scheme of the 'verse.

Welcome back and for the record I do like the general foundation of your chapter, although there are a few glaring details that don't mesh well and a few things I just don't really like. That being said it is your article, so don't take the comments to come as anything but constructive! I would love to help you make this chapter a reality.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Ebon Suns

'We are the dawn following the night. We are the White against the Black. We stand as beacons against the oncoming storm.' - Eld Deschain, first Chapter Master of the Ebon Suns.

I really don't like the "White against the Black" comment. It sounds really, well, plain. Whats more it kind of has a less than savory political undertone that I couldn't help but pick up on, although I am sure that was far from your intention, it is still there messing up the whole sentence for me. Need to brainstorm an alternative, I mean it starts off great with "We are the dawn following the night" could do "the torch against the darkness" or "We are the bearers of the light" or some such? Food for thought anyway.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The Ebon Suns are a successor chapter of the Blood Angels, loyal sons of Sanguinius. They were part of the 22nd Founding, taking place at 500.M36. They were created to fill a void that had been created by the fall of a previous chapter, in guarding a segment of space in Segmentum Obscurus.

The others have addressed this point, timing is a little off is all.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Geneseed

Astartes of the Ebon Suns are proud sons of Sanguinius. Their geneseed is as pure as any other Astartes of their lineage. However, there are a few things that do set them apart from their Baal Brothers. It is believed that, due to some residual radiation on Connothos, the recruits who are selected to join the chapter have come to possess two distinct mutations. The first physical alteration is their eyes which appear to be orbs of solid gold. The truth is the gold appearance is a thick, viscus film covering the eyes, protecting them (from?). It has been evolved as a normal aspect of life on Connothos. When they undergo their enhancements in becoming full Astartes it is they no longer require the benefits of this evolutionarily change would still be needed, yet the genetic quirk endures seemingly as homage to their homeworld.

I made some rough alterations to your sentence structure and vocabulary just to give you an idea of how you can flesh out your concepts more. I think at the moment that is your biggest hurdle. I know its still very much a work in progress and that you are just getting your ideas down, which I respect as I function very much the same way, but you do leave a lot of things unexplained and a lot of points are just that, points. The concepts need to be fleshed out and given some character and life.

The use of a "special" radiation reminds me a great deal of the Salamanders and the radiation of Nocturne, which is fine as there is a precident and I highly doubt Nocturne is the only world to suffer from such an affliction. However, I want to know what causes this specialized radiation that causes the oculus to need a special protective layer. Is it radiation from the sun(s), an ancient weapon used on the world, some sort of internal radiation manifested from the core of the planet, a special type of planet or mineral the leaks this radiation? The universe is a vast place and any of these options can be used to explain the why, and that is an important thing to address. Just make sure to add some pazzazz to the explanation as it is one of their defining differences from their brothers!

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The second variation is that those born on Connothos are more inclined to be talented in the Librarium arts. About one in fifteen recruits that become full Astartes are found to be so gifted. These gifts allow the Astartes in question to be able to generally sense a 'wrongness' about something. Due to their ability to search out the truth in words, or the hidden from sight, they have been dubbed the Seekers. Individually they still serve in regular squads throughout the chapter companies, though they receive additional training, and monitoring, from the Librarium.

I can't help but echo the others on this one. Having a large pool of psykers is neat, but comes with its own set of inherent risks. While the GK are rigorously trained to use their abilities by the entirety of their organization, most Chapters have a limited Librarium and wouldn't be able to address such a widespread "gift." Now if this is the status quo for your boys then they would likely have the means to train them properly, which is fine, and judging by the "limitations" of the gift manifesting as a sort of "sense evil," that is also workable. But again I need to ask, why? What makes these lads more gifted than any other Blood Angel successor? Is it the radiation again? Or is it something else?

I also want to echo that the Seekers is a little dry for something like this, maybe something as simple as Judges or Judicators (Judge Dredd comes to mind, haha). I don't know but we can think of something I'm sure.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Lastly there is the curse of Sanguinius. The Ebon Suns does not treat those who fall to this curse the same as their Baal Brothers, they have no Death Company. The chapter simply can't afford to waste the resource that is a single Astartes. Instead all the brothers who succumb to the curse are placed in stasis and kept secure for a time when a cure might be discovered.

This really hit me as strange. If anything freezing the Astartes that are succumbing to the Black Rage makes less sense than marching them to their deaths. In death their gear can be repurposed, their gene seed can be extracted and returned to the Chapter's genepool, and there is no need to worry about them or the unlikely instance a cure crops up. Remember the BA have been dealing with this for 10,000 years and if they aren't banking on the sudden appearance of a cure I don't know why a younger Chapter would? If you don't want to use DC then by all means, but I don't think this is the best way to go about it... something to think on.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Fall of the Ebon Suns

Records indicate that by the time the Sixth Black Crusade took place the chapter known as The Ebon Suns was at full strength. Unfortunately the events of this Crusade have been lost to time. Accessing the record archives of the chapter illuminates some of the unknown.

First off, a minor nit pick, but you need to make paragraphs at least three sentences long, this one sentence paragraph stuff is choppy and really ruins any smooth flow your stories might have otherwise.

Secondly, "lost to time" then "accessing records to glean info" kinda contradicts itself. Either they are lost or they're not. In this instance you mean to say that the records are spotty at best, that there isn't much detailed in regards to what happened and that some information can be gained by piecing together old fragmented data from the chapter's archives. At least I imagine that's what you're going for?

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The overall purpose and events of the Sixth Black Crusade remain in shadow. But during this time the chapter received a distress call from an farming world designate TDT-19. Current data shows this world a barren wasteland, absolutely devoid of all life.

I am sure some one somewhere has details on the sixth Black Crusade and what the goal was. Perhaps you mean to say your chapter's role or actions during the 6th BC is what there isn't a lot of information on? I like the modern take on how the world is currently a dust ball, the current-looking back angle always works in my mind.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

As the chapter prepared their ships to intervene on TDT-19 more distress calls came in. Hundreds, then thousands. Something most dire was going on and haste was needed. The chapter master sent all companies ready for action directly to TDT-19, seven in total. The remaining three would follow shortly to support if needed.

When I read this I thought the distress calls were coming from multiple locations, are they all coming from TDT-19? If so, I would think that thousands of distress calls might cause some hesitation from the Chapter Master before committing the bulk of his forces to planet-fall. I mean it isn't a very strong tactical decision to blind drop 70% of your forces into an unknown situation without any recon at all.

Either give us a reason as to why haste was necessary (perhaps detailing the message of the distress call) or maybe lessen the over all feeling of danger that thousands of distress calls manifests. A dozen distress calls could mean a minor threat, a thousand or tens of thousands means something very serious. I would wager that thousands of distress calls from a single planet would herald a tyranid hive fleet attacking, an Orkish waaagh, a Chaos invasion, etc. Nothing to be taken lightly, even by the might of a Space Marine Chapter. That being said, I definitely like the "horror" feel you are building up to here!

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The final records that could be retrieved from the initial contact with TDT-19 indicate that the master of the Ebon Suns ordered his men planet-side to investigate the distress calls.

Something about this sentence doesn't sit right with me but I can't quite put my finger on it. Again I would love an explanation as to why the Chapter Master would commit such a vast force just to gain some recon on the planet. Would it not make more sense to drop a scout squad or two then wait for a report before tossing in the whole basket? Definitely need to flesh that initial scene out a bit more.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

As hours turned to days without contact from the engaged companies the three remaining captains ordered their fleets to reinforce their chapter master. As they drew close a librarian felt something wrong and reported this to the captain of the Fifth. The fleets slowed their approach to find much of the initial fleet floating in space as burnt wreckage. Scans of the wreckage were able to identify several ships that were part of the chapters fleet, but just as many ships were missing entirely.

How did they know the companies were engaged? Without contact or a means of scanning the planet for tactical data how did they even know there was a threat at all? As far as we know the planet is just an empty burnt out husk. When you say "three remaining fleets" are you implying that your Chapter has a vast number of fleets? Most chapters have one or two, I don't see each Captain having a whole fleet at his disposal, I could be wrong though.. the Navy aspect of the Imperium is not my strong suit.

Now I thought that the Chapter Master was already orbiting the planet, now we find out he was somewhere else while his boys were being butchered. That whole scene is kind of confusing. So the CM was hiding back away somewhere, he sent his 7 companies in blind, waited for 48 hours before calling for backup, THEN went to investigate what happened with half the strength that he sent in initially? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. If you're going to commit a large force to anything I would think that you would be on the edge of your seat with the auxiliary just waiting until something goes wrong before jumping in to help. I would wager an hour without a report would warrant investigation, 6 hours without report would garner immediate action. Even that might be being generous with time frames too.

I know you're trying to get that sense of tension and I appreciate that, but it needs to remain in the realm of tangibility in order to have that effect. As soon as you step away from a realistic scenario that suspension of disbelief begins to erode. Again, I like your ideas here and I know we can make them work!

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

As the three fleets approached the planet to seek more signs of their brethren they began to receive messages from the surface. Little more then static noise at first, upon recorded review several images and words were picked out: Several Astartes fighting something, the static noise masking its identity. Bolter ammo running out and the Astartes resorting to their chain-weapons. Muddled words.. 'Come' ... more muddled words .. 'Save' .. a few more .. 'Damnation'. Then silence.

I like this, it paints a very vivid and potent image of what is going on below! More of this would be awesome.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Scans of the planet revealed the presence of the seven companies, but not their status. Vox channels could not be linked nor any signals successfully teleported directly aboard. Before consulting with the other two, the captain of the Fifth met with a trusted adviser, a talented consul of the Librarium. The librarian attempted to reach to the minds of his brothers below, but something was blocking him. In his mind he felt a presence most foul, an ancient entity that merely laughed at his presence. He felt only one truth to pass on... they were to late.

So how is it they can scan their presence but not their life-signs? I am sure that Power Armor is advanced enough to monitor life signs, so initial scans would probably yield the fact that most of them were dead, no? Also this Librarian picks up the fact that something is wrong, but in a Chapter full of "psychically" touched Astartes NONE of the others had any indication that something might not be right? I find that to be a glaring hole in the narrative. The fact that you want them to have a lot of gifted individuals but then go so far as to deny the majority the ability to pick up on the "evil" on the planet just doesn't resonate well with me. The only way it would work (and it would take some more explanation) is if the Librariun that noticed was a Chief Librarian, because the whole Chapter is present and accounted for so why would a "talented consul" notice what the Chief Libby would not? Food for thought.

Also I don't like the phrase "laughed at his presence" unless you mean it literally did so. Mocked would be a better word as it is more open ended, less specific. You could also say that the presence most foul made the librarian feel insignificant in comparison or some such? Also, too late might be an understatement as they arrived to a farming world that is now a smoldering ruin, so we've already established they were too late to save the planet, so you mean too late to save the 7 companies? Specifics are key here my friend.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The three remaining captain met to determine the next course of action. TDT-19 was lost. Any hope of escape was denied to the seven companies below. Whatever had happened below could not be allowed to escape and wreck such havoc further into the Imperium. It was argued that perhaps some brethren yet lived on the surface. If so they had to be rescued. But to risk further brothers if no hope remained would be insanity. It was decided to send down probes and servitors to report the conditions of the surface back to the ships in orbit.

What happened to the Chapter Master? Wait did he go down with the 7? I thought he was in space with the three remaining fleets (ships?). Is it two captains and the Chapter Master or...? And TDT-19 is lost based on the gut feeling of a Librarian? Not on anything more tangible, just that? They must place a great deal of faith into their librarians. Keep in mind most Chapter's are wary of their librarium because of the fact they interact with the warp so often... it isn't hard to think the Chaos Gods might have wanted the Librarian to convince the chapter to withdraw, thus leaving their brothers to their nasty fate.

How would whatever happened below move onto the Imperium at large? We don't even know what it is, or even if what caused the initial damage is still in the system? We know that something bad is on the planet, but that might not even be the only bad thing that was here 48 hours ago. The majority of the threat might have already left! We lack too many details to be sure. Why does no hope remain? Again because of that gut feeling? I find it hard to believe 700 Astartes would be abandoned because of a gut feeling. You really need to expand that whole dialogue and really make use understand why that is the impression everyone has. You're not only leaving 700 brothers behind, you're disgarding their relics, wargear, and everything! I mean if each captain wore artificer armor, if there was TDA, Dreadnaughts, Tanks, etc. These things are not easily replaced and such loses would put them on par with some of the Chapters on Istvaan V during the Horus Heresy! That is HUGE! Something that takes thousands of years to recover from as a First Founding Chapter, a 22nd founding would have an even harder time of it I imagine.

I like the idea of probes and servitors, although I would wager this would have been done -before- a sizable force was committed to the planet.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

These were sent to the drop site of the original companies. Half of the drops were intercepted and detonation was detected before they reached the system. Images were mostly static and sound was no better. But enough was seen clear to not be mistaken. Bodies of their brothers lay strewn about the ground, tore asunder, or hung as trophies upon poles and walls. It would not be long before each probe and servitor was spotted and destroyed, either by a twisted parody of what should have been one of their brothers, or by an unearthly creature.

Like this, want more descriptions of what constitutes a "twisted parody" are we talking Chaos Marines or literally their brothers mutated in some way? Same with the "unearthly creatures," describe them to us, what are they? Aliens, Spawn, Daemons, Mutants, what? Like that a lot though.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The three captains could not deny that TDT-19 was lost, beyond hope. And if seven companies could not overcome the odds what would sending a mere three more accomplish? It was decided.

Exterminatus. The only way to be sure that whatever evil lingered on TDT-19 would be wiped out.

As the massive planetary weapons were brought to bear on TDT-19 prayers were said for the brothers below. As the bombardment tore apart the planet a cackle was heard, felt by all.

Exterminatus is one of my favorite words in the 40k universe, however it is not something taken too lightly by any branch of the Imperium. It is a total last resort after all other options have been exhausted. Would it not be wiser to request aid from the Imperium at large while blockading the planet? Get some guard armies in there with maybe another chapter or two in support and attempt to reclaim the world and the precious resources lost on its surface before just blasting it to pieces?

Maybe if you give us a reason for urgency, again, like the enemy is attempting to leave the planet or planetary defense batteries were being brought to bear or something, something that puts them in a position of withdraw and risk the enemy escaping, or exterminatus to ensure their defeat. Something to make us go "damn that's a tough choice.. I would do the same if put in that position."

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The three fleets returned to Connothos to determine their future. Their best and brightest had been wiped out. The leadership of the Chapter was all but gone. It was agreed that the captain of the Fifth would become the new chapter master.

Again, I thought the Chapter Master stayed with the fleet, gotta clarify this. I want to know what you classify as "the best and brightest." You didn't really explain which companies went down in the initial wave. Was it the 1st Company? The Chapter Master, Chief Librarian, Master of the Forge, Reclusiarch? These all went down in the initial wave? So not only did they commit the majority of their forces but the entirety of their leadership structure as well? Sorry dude, this just makes the chapter seem to lack any sense at all. Now there is three captains, a talented librarian, and reserve companies left? I could see that as almost writing the extinction of the chapter right there... might be being a little dramatic, but the loss of the entire command structure + all those relics and war-gear will make your chapter be extremely fragile in the days to come.

By the way, I love the name of your homeworld.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

The three remaining captains met with the command of the Blood Angels to brief them on the events. It was agreed that the proper choice, the only option, was the best action to take. However this did not relieve them of the responsibility of killing their own brothers and losing over 70% of the chapter. For this the remainder of the chapter would follow a Penitent Crusade.

Why? Most successors aren't required to answer to their founding chapter, in fact many of them don't even interact with them at all, ever. The Ultramarines successors are one of the exceptions, but generally there is not necessarily a strong bond, and even if there is it isn't necessarily paternal or a relationship of superior and subordinate. I don't know why they would return to the BA for anything at all, save to perhaps request new wargear to make up for their losses, then again the Mechanicum would be better in that instance. The High Lords would likely have something to say about this whole debacle as well.

A penitent crusade for losing the majority of their chapter? Only if they lost it in some ridiculous fashion. Generally penitent crusades are bestowed upon chapters that do something horribly wrong. Don't tithe, fail at a vow, betray a brother chapter, etc etc. Losing a battle (horribly even) I don't think is grounds for that kind of thing. It would be easier to say that the remaining captains, shamed by their defeat and their misuse of resources "elected" to commit their remaining forces to a penitent crusade to atone for what transpired. This might garner them some respect from their peers and, should they survive, they would likely have an easier time procuring new resources from the Imperium at large.

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

A new xenos threat had been located and the Deathwatch had been contacting chapters seeking assistance. It was decided that The Ebon Suns would offer themselves, in whole, to the Deathwatch to combat this threat. The chapter would remain on their Crusade until this threat was fully eliminated. For the seven companies lost they were forbidden from replacing them. They were to follow through with the three companies they had, allowed to replace the fallen of those but no more.

I have to once again echo the others. The Deathwatch receive a sort of "tithe" of marines from the various Chapters of the Imperium. Most Chapters just elect one or two of their veterans and fire them off to the Deathwatch to honor their vows. A whole 300+ marines would be unprecedented in this role and I doubt they would be accepted. The DW want the best and brightest that a chapter has to offer... not the dishonored left overs of a catastrophe. What you could do is make the remainder have close ties to the Deathwatch and that all the remaining marines aspire to be selected for the honor of joining up? You could also skip the Deathwatch entirely and just have your guys team up with the Inquisition at large and commit themselves to hunting and killing Xenos alongside their new allies? That seems more feasible to me and it would open up a neat relationship between the Ebon Suns and the Inquisition.. kind of like the relationship between the Iron Hands and the Adeptus Mechanicus. I really like that idea actually... You could take Inquisitor allies for the GK codex to make it fluffy!

Rindaris, on 24 May 2013 - 09:49, said:

Beliefs

The Astartes of The Ebon Suns are not unlike other chapters. They know the Emperor to be no god, but they still revere him as ruler of the galaxy. They pay spiritual homage and true loyalty to Sanguinius, and following the teaching and ways of Eld as when he established the chapter.

So they are traditionalist Astartes who don't do anything out of the ordinary. I would use this section to expand upon what the "teachings and ways of Eld" are. Tell us what makes them different from the "traditionalist Astartes" that are all over the map. It is those teachings that make them unique, so tell us what they are! Haha!

Over all I like where you are trying to go with this, a lot of bumps in the road and hiccups to be addressed, but its only the start! So so much potential here man, I am pretty excited to see where you take it!

Good luck, i'll be watching

Raven

[Rindaris]

Wow... lol, thats gonna take me awhile to go through. Not complaining, just ALOT to go through :)

 

But I did read a bit to start off... the White against the Black is a Stephen King/Dark Tower reference, one of my main influences. Good vs evil basically, but in different terms.

[Rindaris]

Again, thanks for all the help. Going to take me several sessions I think to get through it all. I've just done an update to reflect some of that.

 

Added the Homeworld section to help explain the radiation. This concept was always something I intended, just hadn't gotten around to explaining yet :)

 

Also edited the White against the Black comment.

 

As far as the timing goes, I've attempted to research it and find the best timing that fits. However if my source data is wrong, or misinformed, and you guys can provide better dates, I'd welcome that. But please also share the links so I can reference those myself. :)

[Octavulg]

I told you why, above. For exact references, see here.

[Ravenfeld]

I like the idea about the homeworld being a fabricated planet, that is a neat touch. However, if the planet is full of rampaging super beasts then it would likely be classified as more of a hostile world... not necessarily a death world but maybe even that. I mean if these creatures really impact the quality of life and make it a constant struggle it might very well be...

 

Why do you want there to be big monsters on the world? I'm just curious if there is a reason behind it. Is it because you want to show the additional effects of the planets radiation? Or do you want some form of hardship to be represented that helps make your Astartes what they are?

[Rindaris]

I told you why, above. For exact references, see here.

Ahh, slight error on the date. Easy to fix. At least my thread hasn't been inflicted by that foul chaos demon and his NSFW pics...

[Rindaris]

I like the idea about the homeworld being a fabricated planet, that is a neat touch. However, if the planet is full of rampaging super beasts then it would likely be classified as more of a hostile world... not necessarily a death world but maybe even that. I mean if these creatures really impact the quality of life and make it a constant struggle it might very well be...

 

Why do you want there to be big monsters on the world? I'm just curious if there is a reason behind it. Is it because you want to show the additional effects of the planets radiation? Or do you want some form of hardship to be represented that helps make your Astartes what they are?

 

I don't know if I'd call them super beasts, per say. But yes, the intended effect was to not just have yet another Death World, but give reason why my chapter would seek recruits here. The beasts of the world do force the settlements to rise above and learn to handle them. The radiation from the core of the sphere is just the cause of their creation. Didn't want it to seem like Chaos was effecting the wild life or something like that.

[Rindaris]

OK, yeah, I totally spaced it with the founding date. That was just a bit of fluff information, so I don't mind changing it. Made them 18th founding so the dates should be good now.

[Ravenfeld]

Ah alright, that makes sense. On another side of things you could skip radioactive super beasts (and I say super beasts because they are x3 larger than their terran bound kin, I dunno how many bears you've seen but they are freakin massive, I've seen a 16ft Grizzly, I can only imagine the terror of a 48ft one.) and have the planet have "automated" defense droids or something that activated when the "research" facility began excavations, causing the local population to have to struggle against droid incursions. The planet might even manufacture them inside its vaults, so every time an army is defeated a few years later another one will rise up. The level of intelligence the robots could have is up to you, but it steps away from the biological threats that we see brought up on many other death worlds like Fenris and Catachan and gives a different threat that would still warrant a strong, semi-militant populace without having king kong sized bears running amok ;)

 

Just an idea! Either way you swing you'll be on track.

[Rindaris]

Ah alright, that makes sense. On another side of things you could skip radioactive super beasts (and I say super beasts because they are x3 larger than their terran bound kin, I dunno how many bears you've seen but they are freakin massive, I've seen a 16ft Grizzly, I can only imagine the terror of a 48ft one.) and have the planet have "automated" defense droids or something that activated when the "research" facility began excavations, causing the local population to have to struggle against droid incursions. The planet might even manufacture them inside its vaults, so every time an army is defeated a few years later another one will rise up. The level of intelligence the robots could have is up to you, but it steps away from the biological threats that we see brought up on many other death worlds like Fenris and Catachan and gives a different threat that would still warrant a strong, semi-militant populace without having king kong sized bears running amok

Just an idea! Either way you swing you'll be on track.

I hadn't considered droids. I do like that idea, very much so actually. Thanks! Just about to go on lunch, but I'll be updating here shortly.

[Ravenfeld]

Ah alright, that makes sense. On another side of things you could skip radioactive super beasts (and I say super beasts because they are x3 larger than their terran bound kin, I dunno how many bears you've seen but they are freakin massive, I've seen a 16ft Grizzly, I can only imagine the terror of a 48ft one.) and have the planet have "automated" defense droids or something that activated when the "research" facility began excavations, causing the local population to have to struggle against droid incursions. The planet might even manufacture them inside its vaults, so every time an army is defeated a few years later another one will rise up. The level of intelligence the robots could have is up to you, but it steps away from the biological threats that we see brought up on many other death worlds like Fenris and Catachan and gives a different threat that would still warrant a strong, semi-militant populace without having king kong sized bears running amok

Just an idea! Either way you swing you'll be on track.

I hadn't considered droids. I do like that idea, very much so actually. Thanks! Just about to go on lunch, but I'll be updating here shortly.

Glad you like it! Happy to be of service. Enjoy your lunch, hehe.