IA: Blood Guardians (Attempt #6. Maybe Ill finish this one!)

[ChaptermasterDemon7]

Alrighty, I have a very rough (Like just barely the bare bones) draft of my IA for my chapter, the Blood Guardians. Here is what I have and I will take all the help and suggestions and ideas I can get. I want them to be a close combat style chapter, yet a theme I want is to be knightly, yet at the same time to be Roman/Greek (Haven't decided on which one yet) as well. 

 

IA:
Blood Guardians

 

Statistics:

 

Chapter:
Blood
Guardians

 

Founding:
26^th

 

Homeworld:
Epsonri

 

Geneseed:

 

Current
Lord Guardian: Demonus Valar

 

Founding
Lord Guardian: Dejonus Valkeris

 

Heritage:

 

During the 26^th Founding of the 41^st
Millennium, a cadre of veteran space marines under the leadership of Dejonus
Valkeris, of the ______________chapter, was picked to train and lead the
fledgling chapter that would be known as the Blood Guardians. After a century
of training, arming and growing, Dejonus took the new born chapter, and went
off in search of a new planet. While they searched, they received a distress
signal from the world of Epsonri, within the Tel-gorya sector, that a small
warband of Orks had invaded. Dejonus, knowing the populace on the planet could
not face the might of the greenskins, ordered the Chapter to encircle Epsonri
and began the assault. The war for Epsonri lasted four months, with it ending
in the city of Breseptar, with Dejonus casting the ruined body of the Ork
Warboss off the high walls and to the blood soaked ground. Dejonus decided
that, after observing the ferocity and bravery of the planets citizens, Epsonri
would become the Blood Guardians home world. Since then, the Blood Guardians
have protected the Tel-gorya sector from mainly Ork invasions. But, nothing
would ever push the chapter to its limits than the betrayal of Gyperious
Clemixo.

 

The
Gyperioian Heresy:

 

Centuries after the War of Epsonri, the Blood
Guardians had earned many honors and had grown to full Chapter strength. Yet,
they did not know that the taint of the Ruinous Powers had seeped into their
ranks. Gyperious Celmixo, one of the chapter’s elite warriors, had been seduced
by the honeyed words of Slaanesh, promising him glory and power and the right
to lead the Blood Guardians once they fell. He started with the squad he lead,
slowly corrupting his brothers he had served and fought with for the name of
the Imperium for almost a millennium. Soon, Gyperious began to spread the taint
further into the ranks of the Ninth Company. He knew with the monstrous
firepower the Ninth could unleash, he would be able to cripple the loyalist
forces with ease. He waited six years, letting the taint he had spread grip the
hearts of his brothers and take deep root within. Once he had enough
supporters, Gyperious turned upon his fellow brothers during the Fengorian
campaign. The mission was to root out and extinguish the taint of Chaos on the
planet of Patorinis. But they were soon fired upon by Gyperious’s men once they
landed and begin to search for the source. Word came back to Vendari, the third
Lord Guardian of the Guardians, and he ordered the marines on Epsonri to begin
the preparations for a siege. Gyperious, having left only a handful of
supporters behind, soon lost communication with them upon having begun his
coupe. He ordered a fast return to Epsonri, having lost two ships in the Warp
transit for rushing to return. Vendari, having not been idle during the few
months of Gyperious’s absence, had ordered the entire First Company to man the Fortress
Monastery while the rest of the companies, minus the traitorous Ninth, were
split up and placed all across the planet at all the key cities and resources.
The bulk of the defense was at the capital city of Breseptar, where the chapter’s
weapons and vehicles were repaired and where most of the citizens resided. The
citizens of Epsonri, a race of tribal, warrior people, had banded together once
more to protect their homes and lands. Finally, Gyperious broke from the Warp,
with two other ships, and launched a drop pod assault on Epsonri. Void battle
broke out over head, the Chapters fleet having formed a ring around the planet,
couldn’t prevent the forces of Gyperious from landing. Terrible battles broke
out on the surface. Brother fought brother once more, like the Horus Hersey
itself, till, on the final days of the war, Gyperious and Vendari were slain in
battle. The Blood Guardians had suffered terrible losses, as had the people of
Epsonri. It would be another two hundred years before the chapter would regain
its full strength and be able to recover from the horrendous betrayal of one of
their own. Demonus Valar, who was chosen to become the next Lord Guardian,
ordered that all warriors who joined and were a part of the ranks of the Blood
Guardians, would be examined by the Librarians of the chapter to make sure no
taint of Chaos would seep into the ranks ever again. The few remaining warriors
of Gyperious’s group were executed and the geneseed of the traitors was burned.

 

Current
History:

 

Since the Gyperious Heresy, the Blood Guardians have
strived to root out and exterminate all sources of the Ruinous Powers, making
sure that no one would ever be seduced by the false, honeyed words of Chaos
ever again. There hatred is aimed at any who worshipped Slaanesh, yet they
killed all who worshipped any of the gods of the Ruinous Powers. The Blood
Guardians were lasted sited on the planet Veldorian, fighting against a small
Emperors Children warband. Not many know why the Blood Guardians are rarely
seen without their helmets on, save for one or two during any given campaign or
engagement.

 

Organization:

 

The Blood Guardians follow the Codex Astartes,
maintaining the standard ten companies. They, however, did change a few of the
titles of certain ranks. They renamed the Chapter Master as Lord Guardian and
that of his honor guard the Obsidian Guardians. The Master of Sanctity is known
as the Guardian of Sanctity and so forth. Many of the titles such as Captain
and Sergeant were left as they were. They, however, do have a slightly higher
number of close quarters combat weapons than many chapters.

 

Combat
Doctirine:

 

Beliefs
and rituals:

 

The Blood Guardians, like many of the chapters, do
not observe the Emperor of Mankind as a deity, like many of the Imperium’s
populace, yet as the protector and father to all. 

[Ace Debonair]

That's some crazy formatting, for sure.

If you've typed that in notepad, try turning the word-wrap option off before you copy-paste it in here.

Right, prepare yourself. I'm setting my C&C mode to 'brutal honesty'.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I'm not getting a roman/greek/knightly vibe from your chapter. In fact I'm not getting any vibes from your chapter - you're just bogging yourself down in a battle so far.

There's all kinds of perplexing lines like 'Third Lord Guardian of the Guardians' in there, which sort of caused parts of my brain to tangle up because there's no indication until later what a Lord Guardian is, and nothing at all saying why there might be three of them or why that's important.

Also there's zero mention of who is actually betrayed by Gyperious since he converted his company to his cause and isn't apparently deploying alongside anyone else.

Remember, battles aren't important (or interesting - everyone's read dozens of battles) in IAs, it's the effect the battle has on the Chapter that needs focusing on.

You could sum it up as 'since one of their own turned to Chaos and took a portion of the Chapter with him, the Blood Guardians have harboured an intense personal hatred of traitors.'

Then you can move on to adding the greek/roman/knightly theme to your chapter, and giving them some real flavour.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Basically, not a bad start, but you're focusing on little details rather than the bigger picture.

Writing an IA (which I assume you're doing because it says so right at the top of the page) is more about broad, sweeping strokes than hand-crafting every single detail.

Don't be put off, I think we've all done it at one point. Emperor knows I keep getting caught up on details.

[ChaptermasterDemon7]

Thanks for the C&C Ace! Also, I typed it up in word so it might explain the really weird formatting. What would be the best way of trying to get across a Greek/Roman theme? Also, I just need alot of help in general as this is the first time I have done a IA (With this being attempt #6) so I am not really sure how to get this off the ground.

[Ace Debonair]

The best way to incorporate a roman/greek theme is to incorporate elements from Rome and Greece.

Seriously though, I don't know what aspects you want to take from the two cultures, so I recommend researching them and seeing what you think would make a good trait or quirk for the Chapter or their homeworld or whatever.

[ChaptermasterDemon7]

Alrighty. Ill get to cracking on it then! I should have a update maybe tomorrow. I dont know for sure but Friday I will have one.