Ordos Xeno Deathwatch: The Origins *more added*

[Phalanx Warder]

So after editing this thing like 15 times i feel i need to add a note/disclaimer *this is my version of the origins of the Deathwatch after painting up a marine from a traitor legion in MkVI armor i wanted to add to his back story..... this is my way of telling the story of legionnaire Dens a loyalist Marine from a traitor legion*

 

Ordo Xeno; The beginnings

 

 

 

 The year was M41.984. Deep within Tempestus obscurus.

 

 

 

Inquisitor Damian Icarus Thade was a singular man. Though holding relatively low rank among his kind he held a function that super ceded High lord Inquisitors should the situation demand. Standing at 6 foot 8 inches tall with long salt and pepper hair drawn tight into a top knot his facial features were sunken and severe, his face was a visage of scar tissue from many a vicious fight. All of his unforgiving features were only amplified by the human scaled power armor that encased his frame.

 

He felt his body rise within his restraints as his shuttle was vomited forth from the much larger void going craft. There was always that ever so slight lapse in the gravity field as one left the parent ship to when the machine spirit of the smaller ship registered that it was free in the void and activated the on board gravity array.

 

The interior of Semperus Purge was unremarkable considering the vast Resources some of his brotherhood expended on lavish life styles. Much like Inquisitor Thade, Semperus Purge was equipped to do battle and had no added comfort that didn't meet the standard of combat. The interior where Thade sat was cast in a deep red light that pulsed with an almost inaudible hum and slight vibration of the engines, the air was stale and hot that carried the constant odor of unwashed bodies and stale air. To Thades left sat his trusted acolyte Breen who had been in his service for 30 years terran. Besides the servitor that was hard wired into the weapons station that made the odd tick and whirr, noise was shockingly absent.

 

As the deep red of the lights slowly dimmed do darkness it was slowly replaced by a brilliant blue light that told Thade he was free to move around the space he currently occupied. Removing the restraint, Thade stood from his grav chair and made his way to the port side of the ship and looked out of the view port of his lander.

 

Filling the view port was the impressive bulk of his personal ship foe breaker. The ship was claimed by Thade on behalf of the inquisition after finding the previous owner and famous rouge trader Fabian Gain guilty of gross tech heresy. Upon removing Gains head with a precision shot from his plasma pistol the vessel became as much a part of the inquisition as Thade himself.

Foe Breaker was in a class of her own, in the grand scheme of void going vessels, she was unremarkable. Though steeped in the Gothic look of Imperial vessels what made Foe Breaker different was the one of a kind micro nova class cannon and multiple layers of lance batteries for close in threat protection. She truly punched above her weight class and had the kill tally to prove it, many a Xeno breed had been broken much as her name suggested.

 

As the view of Foe Breaker receded it was replaced by the world of Amson IV, of all the worlds that were graced by the Emperors light Amson IV was but one among countless Beta class Agri Worlds of the Imperium, cast in brilliant blues and greens she shone like a diamond under direct and brilliant light. But unlike her kin Amson IV would play host to the Inquisition for the next couple of months (terra standard) and she would become one of a kind.She was a thing of beauty thought Thade, surprised that anything could still stir his heart.

 

Breen looked on as the Inquisitor was fixated in the view port. After all the time they had spent together breen could feel the Inquisitors unease, if Breen was honest with himself he could feel his own unease that was to uncomfortably close to fear for his own liking. Shifting in his seat the sudden movement caught Thades eye, like a predator he turned on his heel and faced Breen.

 

“Dennis, are my things in order?”

 

“yes sir, they are. I have all of the pertinent information on this data slate that you requested. The presentations and picts you requested are also loaded for your review,  I took the liberty of adding the biographies of your guests or at least what information as I could gather”

 

“Good man Dennis, still trying to get ahead of me I see”

 

“I take it that you have reviewed our guest’s information Sir?”

 

“I have indeed, and in more depth than your clearance could gather but your efforts are duly noted and appreciated”

 

“Very well sir” said Breen with an embarrassed grin on his face. With all that would no doubt be on Thades mind his unwavering
devotion to detail hadn’t suffered and that gave Breen a sens of grounding only the Inquisitor could provide in these times of uncertainty.

 

Thade made his way back to his seat, taking the data slate from Breen he began to review the massive amounts of information that was stored there. As the lander came onto its approach vector for atmosphere entry the light that bathed the inquisitor became a violent shade of red. Placing the data slate between his legs thade began to fasten his restraints. As if on cue the lander began to shake, slowly at first as the friction on the hull became grater the shaking became much more frequent and violent. The view port armor slammed into place cutting off the view of the flames that kissed the hull of Semperus Purge. Thade locked his eyes on the View port armor. Though inherently dangerous, this part of atmosphere entry was almost therapeutic for the Inquisitor. In thades mind it was like passing through eccalisary blessed promethium, only the pure are not consumed. The orange glow started from the center of the view port, dim at first like the hint of sunrise it quickly began to expand and get brighter until the entire view port was bright with heat. Suddenly the shaking stopped and the heat glow stopped growing in intensity. As the machine spirit shut down the on board grav
array to let Amson IV take over and it was now possible to feel the movements of the lander as it made its banks toward to the space port.

As the access ramp lowered Inquisitor Thade was assaulted with the rather loud ambient noise around him, The space port was awash with the sounds of tech priests ministering to machines, pistons, high pressure gas release and engine thrusters as business on Amson IV continued unabated, as if the massiveInquisition build up was not to be noticed Thade’s attention most occupied with the audible ticking of super-heated of the hull, the heated metal  smell that can almost be tasted that goes along with hot metal assaulting his sences, making his way down the ramp once
it fully lowered the Inquisitor was greeted by the cold rush of the Amson winter to his fore at his back he could still feel the red hot hull of Semperus Purge heating his back like a small sun.

[Phalanx Warder]

Ok so i have more, this will be a story that i attempt to put a lot of detail and effort into but i would like C&C to develop the story and myself as a writer.

 

Thank you my B&C Brothers and Sisters!

[Growler67]

So after editing this thing like 15 times i feel i need to add a note/disclaimer *this is my version of the origins of the Deathwatch after painting up a marine from a traitor legion in MkVI armor i wanted to add to his back story..... this is my way of telling the story of legionnaire Dens a loyalist Marine from a traitor legion*

 

Ordo Xeno; The beginnings

 

 

 

 

 

 The year was M41.984. Deep within Tempestus obscurus.

 

 

 

 

 

Inquisitor Damian Icarus Thade was a singular man. Though holding relatively low rank among his kind he held a function that super ceded High lord Inquisitors should the situation demand. Standing at 6 foot 8 inches tall with long salt and pepper hair drawn tight into a top knot his facial features were sunken and severe, his face was a visage of scar tissue from many a vicious fight. All of his unforgiving features were only amplified by the human scaled power armor that encased his frame.

 

 

He felt his body rise within his restraints as his shuttle was vomited forth from the much larger void going craft. There was always that ever so slight lapse in the gravity field as one left the parent ship to when the machine spirit of the smaller ship registered that it was free in the void and activated the on board gravity array.

 

The interior of Semperus Purge was unremarkable considering the vast Resources some of his brotherhood expended on lavish life styles. Much like Inquisitor Thade, Semperus Purge was equipped to do battle and had no added comfort that didn't meet the standard of combat. The interior where Thade sat was cast in a deep red light that pulsed with an almost inaudible hum and slight vibration of the engines, the air was stale and hot that carried the constant odor of unwashed bodies and stale air. To Thades left sat his trusted acolyte Breen who had been in his service for 30 years terran. Besides the servitor that was hard wired into the weapons station that made the odd tick and whirr, noise was shockingly absent.

 

As the deep red of the lights slowly dimmed do darkness it was slowly replaced by a brilliant blue light that told Thade he was free to move around the space he currently occupied. Removing the restraint, Thade stood from his grav chair and made his way to the port side of the ship and looked out of the view port of his lander.

 

Filling the view port was the impressive bulk of his personal ship foe breaker. The ship was claimed by Thade on behalf of the inquisition after finding the previous owner and famous rouge trader Fabian Gain guilty of gross tech heresy. Upon removing Gains head with a precision shot from his plasma pistol the vessel became as much a part of the inquisition as Thade himself.

 

Foe Breaker was in a class of her own, in the grand scheme of void going vessels, she was unremarkable. Though steeped in the Gothic look of Imperial vessels what made Foe Breaker different was the one of a kind micro nova class cannon and multiple layers of lance batteries for close in threat protection. She truly punched above her weight class and had the kill tally to prove it, many a Xeno breed had been broken much as her name suggested.

 

 

As the view of Foe Breaker receded it was replaced by the world of Amson IV, of all the worlds that were graced by the Emperors light Amson IV was but one among countless Beta class Agri Worlds of the Imperium, cast in brilliant blues and greens she shone like a diamond under direct and brilliant light. But unlike her kin Amson IV would play host to the Inquisition for the next couple of months (terra standard) and she would become one of a kind.She was a thing of beauty thought Thade, surprised that anything could still stir his heart.

 

 

Breen looked on as the Inquisitor was fixated in the view port. After all the time they had spent together breen could feel the Inquisitors unease, if Breen was honest with himself he could feel his own unease that was to uncomfortably close to fear for his own liking. Shifting in his seat the sudden movement caught Thades eye, like a predator he turned on his heel and faced Breen.

 

 

“Dennis, are my things in order?”

 

 

“yes sir, they are. I have all of the pertinent information on this data slate that you requested. The presentations and picts you requested are also loaded for your review,  I took the liberty of adding the biographies of your guests or at least what information as I could gather”

 

 

“Good man Dennis, still trying to get ahead of me I see”

 

 

“I take it that you have reviewed our guest’s information Sir?”

 

 

“I have indeed, and in more depth than your clearance could gather but your efforts are duly noted and appreciated”

 

 

“Very well sir” said Breen with an embarrassed grin on his face. With all that would no doubt be on Thades mind his unwavering

devotion to detail hadn’t suffered and that gave Breen a sens of grounding only the Inquisitor could provide in these times of uncertainty.

 

 

Thade made his way back to his seat, taking the data slate from Breen he began to review the massive amounts of information that was stored there. As the lander came onto its approach vector for atmosphere entry the light that bathed the inquisitor became a violent shade of red. Placing the data slate between his legs thade began to fasten his restraints. As if on cue the lander began to shake, slowly at first as the friction on the hull became grater the shaking became much more frequent and violent. The view port armor slammed into place cutting off the view of the flames that kissed the hull of Semperus Purge. Thade locked his eyes on the View port armor. Though inherently dangerous, this part of atmosphere entry was almost therapeutic for the Inquisitor. In thades mind it was like passing through eccalisary blessed promethium, only the pure are not consumed. The orange glow started from the center of the view port, dim at first like the hint of sunrise it quickly began to expand and get brighter until the entire view port was bright with heat. Suddenly the shaking stopped and the heat glow stopped growing in intensity. As the machine spirit shut down the on board grav

array to let Amson IV take over and it was now possible to feel the movements of the lander as it made its banks toward to the space port.

 

As the access ramp lowered Inquisitor Thade was assaulted with the rather loud ambient noise around him, The space port was awash with the sounds of tech priests ministering to machines, pistons, high pressure gas release and engine thrusters as business on Amson IV continued unabated, as if the massiveInquisition build up was not to be noticed Thade’s attention most occupied with the audible ticking of super-heated of the hull, the heated metal  smell that can almost be tasted that goes along with hot metal assaulting his sences, making his way down the ramp once

it fully lowered the Inquisitor was greeted by the cold rush of the Amson winter to his fore at his back he could still feel the red hot hull of Semperus Purge heating his back like a small sun.

 

First paragraph:   super ceded is one word, “High lord Inquisitors” lord should be capitalized; “…his facial features were sunken and severe, his face was a visage of scar tissue from many a vicious fight.”  Seems redundant with “facial features” followed by “his face’, I would suggest leaving out “his face and just continuing on from the comma with something like ‘testament of the multitude of vicious encounters’ or something similar to impart the dramatic and descriptive effects you desire;  I see no reason to emphasize the last sentence with “his”…who else are you talking about in this paragraph?  Just describe the armor with as much rich detail as you wish and don’t cut it short….draw the reader(s) in by providing them with as rich a color palette to paint the image with their imagination and envision the splendor of the character with the details you provide.

 

Second paragraph:   “vomited”….really?  Are you seriously going to go with this word?  “As the shuttle departed its parent ship” or literally ANYTHING besides using the description you chose.  How about belched, expulsed, disgorged, discharged are all less vulgar and I wouldn’t have chosen any of these words much less “vomited”.  You will repulse or entice your readers with the words you choose to describe EVERYTHING…...you have to be more cognizant of the choices you make and work at keeping the reader rather than turning them off with a poor or vulgar word where a much better one would keep their interest.  Remember….THEY are painting and envisioning an image in their minds with the color palette YOU provide them.  Making things bland or vivid is your job depending on the amount of character and drama you intend for the particular scene or setting you are writing about.  “Vomited”…..

 

Third paragraph:  “30 years terran” I would suggest ’30 Terran years’, Terran being a proper noun should be capitalized.

 

Fourth paragraph:  can actually be part of the third since you have not changed the subject of the paragraph significantly to necessitate a new paragraph….especially for 2 sentences.

 

Fifth paragraph:   “foe breaker” if that is the name of the parent ship, it should be capitalized, it surely doesn’t fit as a class of vessel.

 

Sixth paragraph:  “Foe Breaker was in a class of her own, in the grand…” should begin with ‘The’ and the comma after "own" is not needed.

 

Seventh paragraph:   “ Agri Worlds of the Imperium, cast in brilliant blues”  End sentence at ‘Imperium” and new sentence beginning with ‘cast’; “(terra standard)” perhaps ‘Terran’ instead of terra and you did it more properly here than you chose to earlier with “years terran”; “a kind.She was” spacing.

 

Conversation:  “yes sir” when Breen replies it should begin with a capitalize word; “…your review,  I took the” end sentence after review and begin the next with ‘I’; a “guest was mentioned in the conversation but not even a hint of one prior.  You don’t need to get very deep into the description of “the guest” in the preceding paragraphs.  A little foreshadowing would tie into the conversation without revealing anything more until you decide it to be important introduce that character, otherwise it just throws the flow of things a bit off kilter by surprising the reader with it at this point in this manner.  Not the best use of a surprise plot twist for the reader(s) at this point.

 

Eighth paragraph:   “As the lander came” so initially it was a shuttle and now it’s a “lander’….make up your mind.  An element of consistency can maintain the flow of the action and descriptions of specific items when the use of synonyms would create a disruption; “between his legs thade began to fasten” character’s name should be capitalized; “the lander began” again with lander, decide which it is as a noun and use synonyms when describing an action; “this part of atmosphere entry” should be ‘atmospheric’ not “atmosphere”; “In thades mind” character’s name should be capitalized; “of sunrise it quickly began” you should use a comma after sunrise for the proper dramatic pause, otherwise it reads like a run-on sentence; spacing error with the “grav array” I suspect the return key was used accidentally and once again with “the lander”.

 

Ninth paragraph:  “…assaulted with the rather loud ambient noise around him, The…” perhaps this would be a place where a synonym would create a better and more dramatic description.  I would suggest rewriting this short section using cacophony or din instead of “loud ambient noise” and following the comma “The” shouldn’t be capitalized; “…unabated, as if the massiveInquisition…” sentence should end at unabated.  Find a better way of continuing the description instead of using more commas to break up an otherwise run-on sentence.  Spacing error with "massive" and "Inquisition".  The whole flow of this setting description just does not flow.  You are paying attention to some things and overlapping it with layers that just don’t fit together in the same run-on sentence.  Figure out what you want to describe in this paragraph and do it clearly and in descriptive layers that don’t muddy one thing into another while intending to describe a third.  Think of a staircase, one step at a time.  Start with what you want to be the most prominent feature or item and progress from there or what is the most important element you are trying to encourage and then describe the rest as nebulous modifiers focusing the reader’s attention of what that main element is.  This can easily be two or more paragraphs if you want it to be.

[Phalanx Warder]

 

So after editing this thing like 15 times i feel i need to add a note/disclaimer *this is my version of the origins of the Deathwatch after painting up a marine from a traitor legion in MkVI armor i wanted to add to his back story..... this is my way of telling the story of legionnaire Dens a loyalist Marine from a traitor legion*

 

Ordo Xeno; The beginnings

 

 

 

 

 

 The year was M41.984. Deep within Tempestus obscurus.

 

 

 

 

 

Inquisitor Damian Icarus Thade was a singular man. Though holding relatively low rank among his kind he held a function that super ceded High lord Inquisitors should the situation demand. Standing at 6 foot 8 inches tall with long salt and pepper hair drawn tight into a top knot his facial features were sunken and severe, his face was a visage of scar tissue from many a vicious fight. All of his unforgiving features were only amplified by the human scaled power armor that encased his frame.

 

 

He felt his body rise within his restraints as his shuttle was vomited forth from the much larger void going craft. There was always that ever so slight lapse in the gravity field as one left the parent ship to when the machine spirit of the smaller ship registered that it was free in the void and activated the on board gravity array.

 

The interior of Semperus Purge was unremarkable considering the vast Resources some of his brotherhood expended on lavish life styles. Much like Inquisitor Thade, Semperus Purge was equipped to do battle and had no added comfort that didn't meet the standard of combat. The interior where Thade sat was cast in a deep red light that pulsed with an almost inaudible hum and slight vibration of the engines, the air was stale and hot that carried the constant odor of unwashed bodies and stale air. To Thades left sat his trusted acolyte Breen who had been in his service for 30 years terran. Besides the servitor that was hard wired into the weapons station that made the odd tick and whirr, noise was shockingly absent.

 

As the deep red of the lights slowly dimmed do darkness it was slowly replaced by a brilliant blue light that told Thade he was free to move around the space he currently occupied. Removing the restraint, Thade stood from his grav chair and made his way to the port side of the ship and looked out of the view port of his lander.

 

Filling the view port was the impressive bulk of his personal ship foe breaker. The ship was claimed by Thade on behalf of the inquisition after finding the previous owner and famous rouge trader Fabian Gain guilty of gross tech heresy. Upon removing Gains head with a precision shot from his plasma pistol the vessel became as much a part of the inquisition as Thade himself.

 

Foe Breaker was in a class of her own, in the grand scheme of void going vessels, she was unremarkable. Though steeped in the Gothic look of Imperial vessels what made Foe Breaker different was the one of a kind micro nova class cannon and multiple layers of lance batteries for close in threat protection. She truly punched above her weight class and had the kill tally to prove it, many a Xeno breed had been broken much as her name suggested.

 

 

As the view of Foe Breaker receded it was replaced by the world of Amson IV, of all the worlds that were graced by the Emperors light Amson IV was but one among countless Beta class Agri Worlds of the Imperium, cast in brilliant blues and greens she shone like a diamond under direct and brilliant light. But unlike her kin Amson IV would play host to the Inquisition for the next couple of months (terra standard) and she would become one of a kind.She was a thing of beauty thought Thade, surprised that anything could still stir his heart.

 

 

Breen looked on as the Inquisitor was fixated in the view port. After all the time they had spent together breen could feel the Inquisitors unease, if Breen was honest with himself he could feel his own unease that was to uncomfortably close to fear for his own liking. Shifting in his seat the sudden movement caught Thades eye, like a predator he turned on his heel and faced Breen.

 

 

“Dennis, are my things in order?”

 

 

“yes sir, they are. I have all of the pertinent information on this data slate that you requested. The presentations and picts you requested are also loaded for your review,  I took the liberty of adding the biographies of your guests or at least what information as I could gather”

 

 

“Good man Dennis, still trying to get ahead of me I see”

 

 

“I take it that you have reviewed our guest’s information Sir?”

 

 

“I have indeed, and in more depth than your clearance could gather but your efforts are duly noted and appreciated”

 

 

“Very well sir” said Breen with an embarrassed grin on his face. With all that would no doubt be on Thades mind his unwavering

devotion to detail hadn’t suffered and that gave Breen a sens of grounding only the Inquisitor could provide in these times of uncertainty.

 

 

Thade made his way back to his seat, taking the data slate from Breen he began to review the massive amounts of information that was stored there. As the lander came onto its approach vector for atmosphere entry the light that bathed the inquisitor became a violent shade of red. Placing the data slate between his legs thade began to fasten his restraints. As if on cue the lander began to shake, slowly at first as the friction on the hull became grater the shaking became much more frequent and violent. The view port armor slammed into place cutting off the view of the flames that kissed the hull of Semperus Purge. Thade locked his eyes on the View port armor. Though inherently dangerous, this part of atmosphere entry was almost therapeutic for the Inquisitor. In thades mind it was like passing through eccalisary blessed promethium, only the pure are not consumed. The orange glow started from the center of the view port, dim at first like the hint of sunrise it quickly began to expand and get brighter until the entire view port was bright with heat. Suddenly the shaking stopped and the heat glow stopped growing in intensity. As the machine spirit shut down the on board grav

array to let Amson IV take over and it was now possible to feel the movements of the lander as it made its banks toward to the space port.

 

As the access ramp lowered Inquisitor Thade was assaulted with the rather loud ambient noise around him, The space port was awash with the sounds of tech priests ministering to machines, pistons, high pressure gas release and engine thrusters as business on Amson IV continued unabated, as if the massiveInquisition build up was not to be noticed Thade’s attention most occupied with the audible ticking of super-heated of the hull, the heated metal  smell that can almost be tasted that goes along with hot metal assaulting his sences, making his way down the ramp once

it fully lowered the Inquisitor was greeted by the cold rush of the Amson winter to his fore at his back he could still feel the red hot hull of Semperus Purge heating his back like a small sun.

 

First paragraph:   super ceded is one word, “High lord Inquisitors” lord should be capitalized; “…his facial features were sunken and severe, his face was a visage of scar tissue from many a vicious fight.”  Seems redundant with “facial features” followed by “his face’, I would suggest leaving out “his face and just continuing on from the comma with something like ‘testament of the multitude of vicious encounters’ or something similar to impart the dramatic and descriptive effects you desire;  I see no reason to emphasize the last sentence with “his”…who else are you talking about in this paragraph?  Just describe the armor with as much rich detail as you wish and don’t cut it short….draw the reader(s) in by providing them with as rich a color palette to paint the image with their imagination and envision the splendor of the character with the details you provide.

 

Second paragraph:   “vomited”….really?  Are you seriously going to go with this word?  “As the shuttle departed its parent ship” or literally ANYTHING besides using the description you chose.  How about belched, expulsed, disgorged, discharged are all less vulgar and I wouldn’t have chosen any of these words much less “vomited”.  You will repulse or entice your readers with the words you choose to describe EVERYTHING…...you have to be more cognizant of the choices you make and work at keeping the reader rather than turning them off with a poor or vulgar word where a much better one would keep their interest.  Remember….THEY are painting and envisioning an image in their minds with the color palette YOU provide them.  Making things bland or vivid is your job depending on the amount of character and drama you intend for the particular scene or setting you are writing about.  “Vomited”…..

 

Third paragraph:  “30 years terran” I would suggest ’30 Terran years’, Terran being a proper noun should be capitalized.

 

Fourth paragraph:  can actually be part of the third since you have not changed the subject of the paragraph significantly to necessitate a new paragraph….especially for 2 sentences.

 

Fifth paragraph:   “foe breaker” if that is the name of the parent ship, it should be capitalized, it surely doesn’t fit as a class of vessel.

 

Sixth paragraph:  “Foe Breaker was in a class of her own, in the grand…” should begin with ‘The’ and the comma after "own" is not needed.

 

Seventh paragraph:   “ Agri Worlds of the Imperium, cast in brilliant blues”  End sentence at ‘Imperium” and new sentence beginning with ‘cast’; “(terra standard)” perhaps ‘Terran’ instead of terra and you did it more properly here than you chose to earlier with “years terran”; “a kind.She was” spacing.

 

Conversation:  “yes sir” when Breen replies it should begin with a capitalize word; “…your review,  I took the” end sentence after review and begin the next with ‘I’; a “guest was mentioned in the conversation but not even a hint of one prior.  You don’t need to get very deep into the description of “the guest” in the preceding paragraphs.  A little foreshadowing would tie into the conversation without revealing anything more until you decide it to be important introduce that character, otherwise it just throws the flow of things a bit off kilter by surprising the reader with it at this point in this manner.  Not the best use of a surprise plot twist for the reader(s) at this point.

 

Eighth paragraph:   “As the lander came” so initially it was a shuttle and now it’s a “lander’….make up your mind.  An element of consistency can maintain the flow of the action and descriptions of specific items when the use of synonyms would create a disruption; “between his legs thade began to fasten” character’s name should be capitalized; “the lander began” again with lander, decide which it is as a noun and use synonyms when describing an action; “this part of atmosphere entry” should be ‘atmospheric’ not “atmosphere”; “In thades mind” character’s name should be capitalized; “of sunrise it quickly began” you should use a comma after sunrise for the proper dramatic pause, otherwise it reads like a run-on sentence; spacing error with the “grav array” I suspect the return key was used accidentally and once again with “the lander”.

 

Ninth paragraph:  “…assaulted with the rather loud ambient noise around him, The…” perhaps this would be a place where a synonym would create a better and more dramatic description.  I would suggest rewriting this short section using cacophony or din instead of “loud ambient noise” and following the comma “The” shouldn’t be capitalized; “…unabated, as if the massiveInquisition…” sentence should end at unabated.  Find a better way of continuing the description instead of using more commas to break up an otherwise run-on sentence.  Spacing error with "massive" and "Inquisition".  The whole flow of this setting description just does not flow.  You are paying attention to some things and overlapping it with layers that just don’t fit together in the same run-on sentence.  Figure out what you want to describe in this paragraph and do it clearly and in descriptive layers that don’t muddy one thing into another while intending to describe a third.  Think of a staircase, one step at a time.  Start with what you want to be the most prominent feature or item and progress from there or what is the most important element you are trying to encourage and then describe the rest as nebulous modifiers focusing the reader’s attention of what that main element is.  This can easily be two or more paragraphs if you want it to be.

i

This is why the B&C has become my home on the web, thank you Growler67. Once I get the time I will make the adjustments you suggested!

[Growler67]

I just made some suggestions, YOU are writing this piece and so YOU must decide what and how to write it.  However you choose to tell your story.....use YOUR words.  There are plenty to choose from but don't make it sound like you ingested a Dictionary.  Do it as a Word document (or similar) and most of the little nits can be picked with the basic spell check function.  Keep in mind the point of view of the reader(s) and don't be so focussed of your point of view.  It's difficult to detach, become dispassionate and be objective but a writing project isn't about expressing your passion, purely.  It's about sharing what is between your ears with every potential reader and allowing them to enjoy the picture you help them paint.....otherwise it may as well be just a journal or diary....your passion becomes singularly enjoyable.